Please Like Me

Josh:
How are you feeling?

Mum:
[excitedly] Good. I'm great. I'm really, really good.

Mum:
[pointing at the elderly patient] Yeah, I'm better than her, because she tried to commit suicide. That's why she's in here. I mean, like she's got to be at least eighty.

Mum:
[to the nurse] Why don't you just let her go?

Maudrey:
[defiantly] I'm eighty-six.

Josh:
[to the congregation at Aunty Peg's funeral service] Hello everyone, and as most of you probably know, my Aunty Peg - Margaret - was quite, she quite liked to control things that happened, and this is no exception. So she's written her own eulogy for me to read out.

Josh:
"I've been going to church every Sunday for my entire life. For the first sixty years, it was because I believed in heaven. I was terrified of dying, of becoming nothing. I don't think I believe in heaven anymore, but after sixty years of Sunday mornings, I thought I may as well commit and hedge my bets. Also I quite enjoyed the morning tea. I've requested to be buried because I want my body to be given to nature. I want to be snacked on by plants and animals, the way that I have snacked on plants and animals throughout my life. My family, Rose and Josh, aren't ideal. Rose has pretty much been a cuckoo her whole life, and Josh has decided to become a homosexual, but they're all I've got. The two of them have taught me the most important lesson of my life, and that is that you don't love the people you love because they do what you want, but because of who they are. If you're hearing this sorry little speech, it's because I'm dead, and the terrible thing about that is that I won't be sharing my life with the two people I love most in the world, my almost daughter Rose, and my almost grandson Josh." That was her being nice... no, honestly I'm not sure. "Don't make too much fuss over my death. I finished all the good parts of my life a couple of decades ago. I'm looking forward to joining my husband Walter, whether it be in heaven, in hell, or in the bellies of maggots."

[as Josh arrives home to find Mum crumpled in the corner on the kitchen floor, he prepares to call for an ambulance]

Mum:
[barely audible] Don't, don't Josh, don't, they'll put me in the looney bin. Don't.

Josh:
[hanging up the telephone] What did you take?

Mum:
Just some of Peg's pain medication and some Baileys, and then I regretted it so I vomited it up on purpose, then I vomited up a little bit by accident.

Josh:
Does that work?

Mum:
Oh yeah, I'm fine.

Josh:
[getting down on the floor to help her] Why didn't you call me?

Mum:
Because I'm fine.

Josh:
Okay. Are you absolutely certain if I don't call an ambulance, that you won't die?

Mum:
Yeah, I'm certain.

Josh:
Yeah? You pretty sure? It'll weigh heavily on my conscience if you do die.

Mum:
Yup.

Josh:
Probably spiral into depression, and possibly drug addiction, and you'll be too dead to help me.

Josh:
I think I'd be pretty good at therapy. Would you like some free therapy?

Arnold:
All right.

Josh:
Arnold, what's wrong?

Arnold:
Okay, I use up most of my energy worrying that I'm doing things wrong, and that everyone is just thinking I'm a big idiot.

Josh:
No, that's irrational. Nobody's taking any notice of you. Nobody cares about you. Just stop doing that. Yeah? Boom! Therapy! Next problem!

Arnold:
I have issues with my dad. You know, about me, like, not playing football and just liking the color pink...

Josh:
And butterflies?

Arnold:
Yeah, butterflies. I like butterflies.

Josh:
Well, it doesn't matter what your dad thinks because you're an adult. So just move on. Boom! Cured!

Arnold:
Wow.

Josh:
Okay?

Arnold:
Well, I don't know. I just I guess I feel like I'm not good enough.

Josh:
Oh, babe. No, you're good enough. You're great.

Arnold:
Good enough?

Josh:
Yeah, just enough. Boom! Therapy! Healed! No charge.

Arnold:
Incredible. I feel better already.

Josh:
Not one dollar.

[in the hospital dining room, Rose, Hannah and Arnold are sitting at one table, while Ginger is at another table by herself]

Arnold:
Why is Ginger over there?

Hannah:
Never mind.

Arnold:
Just that usually she sits here with us.

Hannah:
[about Rose and Ginger] Mum and Dad are fighting.

Arnold:
There's tension, I can feel tension. I didn't come to hospital to feel tension, I could have just stayed at home with my family. I'm going to go eat in my room.

Hannah:
[as Arnold gets up to leave] Why didn't I think of that? Food. Bed. Two of my top ten favorite things.

Dad:
Why is it such a big deal, me asking you about a camera?

Mum:
[angrily] Maybe the camera is up my bum. Would you like to go looking up my bum for your camera?

Tom:
So when are you going to tell your parents you're gay?

Arnold:
[angrily] I don't know, Tom. When are you going to tell your cheeks to stop being fat?

Josh:
I’m sick of sexuality being fluid I miss the days when the gays where gay and the straights were straights and the bisexuals were lying!