Robin Williams: Live on Broadway

Robin Williams:
I have one question for the ladies: Do we look like this?

Robin Williams:
Oh Kenny Boy. The Feds, the Feds are calling.

Robin Williams:
The poor Canadian snowboarder, in the 1998 Olympics, they took away his medal because he tested positive for marijuana, which is kinda redundant number one, number two, they said that marijuana was a "performance-enhancing drug".

Robin Williams:
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not f***ing empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big f***ing Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"

Robin Williams:
Cut the foreplay, let's have ice f***ing.

Robin Williams:
The Biathalon is like Norwegian Drive-By.

Robin Williams:
Is it me, or are cat's drag queens? I think they are. It's the way they go, 'Who loves Kitty?'

Robin Williams:
The titties are out today.

Robin Williams:
Why get your tongue pierced? And she says, "To enahthe the thekthual thtimulathon."

Robin Williams:
And you can't bomb the Afghanis back to the stone age because they'll think, "Upgrade. Fun."

Robin Williams:
And if you are in a jihad and you kill an infidel, which, I'm sorry to say is all of us, and you yourself die, you will go up to the gates of heaven where you will be greeted by seventy-one dark-haired virgins. And anyone who has been with one virgin is going,

Robin Williams:
"I don't know!"

Robin Williams:
"For my talent portion!" No, no, no! But recently, there was an article in the New York Times, the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is not 71 dark-haired virgins, but 71 Crystal-Clear Raisins... slight difference of interpretation, really! That's so strange, it's like, "thou shalt not kill," is "thou shalt not wear a kilt!" And the Scots are going, f*** off - virgins. But the Koran scholars tell us that the actual translation is "71 Crystal-Clear Raisins"... slight difference of interpretation, really.

Robin Williams:
Osama Bin-Ladin is a six foot tall Arab on dialysis... why is that so f***ing hard to find?

Robin Williams:
This is Enron Field, we were gonna call it Fifth Amendment Field... We can't call it "We're F***ed" Field.

Robin Williams:
They don't even bother drug-testing the snowboarders, they just go "Get the f*** out."

Robin Williams:
Instead of on the dollar bill, instead of "in God we trust", "in Gates we trust." Mr Gates, when did you realize you were creating a monopoly? "Monopoly's just a game, Senator... I'm trying to control the f***ing world. Right now it's Information Technology. Soon it will be Total Information Technology: TIT. And while you're sucking on the TIT, I have you by the motherboard!"

Robin Williams:
Get out of here, you goofy little Canadian bastard eh.

Robin Williams:
I know there's a cure for bio terrorism or whatever it is, and I know it lies within Keith Richards. He is the only man on the planet who can go "Anthrax?"

Robin Williams:
All RIGHT... This'll go great with my e-coli" Keith is the only man who can make the Osbornes look f***ing Amish.

Robin Williams:
God bless you Canadian people. You're so f***ing nice eh.

Robin Williams:
Canada's like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Robin Williams:
"I go to boxing to watch the sport of boxing." That's like saying, "I go to stock car races to see people take left turns all day." No, you go to boxing to see somebody get the F*** beaten of 'em.

Robin Williams:
The entire world will be in nuclear war, and only the Swiss will be going, "Vhat's that noise?"

Robin Williams:
And every year the French go, "He is on chemicals." And I'm going, "It's chemotherapy, you little toad suckers." "Okay, he has one testicle, he's aerodynamic. Everyone, cut off your balls. You'll be quicker. Do it. Don't be afraid."

Robin Williams:
God gave man a penis and a brain. And only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams:
I find it very reassuring, George W. Bush talks to the stock market, and then

Robin Williams:
. It must be him talking about business, it's like having a leopard giving you a facial; it doesn't really work! Oopsey! "A lot of our imports come from other countries." No sh*t, Jason!

Robin Williams:
It doesn't scare me that Dubya waved at Stevie Wonder; that's okay. Stevie's only been blind since *birth!* He's like, 'Stevie!' and Stevie's going, 'Is that muthaf***a waving at me? Goddamn! Does he think I'm *lookin* for him? Goddamn!' No, what scares me is that Dubya almost died from a f***ing pretzel! They have billions of dollars in national defense. They want billions more, to up the stakes, and the President almost goes down from *snack food!* Secret service are like 'Game's over man!' 'Gilligan's down! Gilligan's down! His own dogs didn't care! They were licking him for the salt!

Robin Williams:
You want a dog like Lassie, a dog who cares!

Robin Williams:
What's a matter, girl? President swallowed something, and you gave him the Heimlich?

Robin Williams:
What else, girl?

Robin Williams:
Mr. Chaney's meeting with the Enron people?

Robin Williams:
An Enron employee, secretary of the navy?

Robin Williams:
What about the Harken loan?

Robin Williams:
"Sorry girl, gonna have to put you down!"

Robin Williams:
How can you take an economic crisis seriously?

Robin Williams:
At one end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen, at the other end, a Hummer and two National Guardsmen. The problem is that the Hummer and the National Guardsmen are wearing jungle camouflage. For those of you who have never been to San Francisco, the bridge is bright orange. I just feel like going:

Robin Williams:
Be very, very quiet. We're wooking for tewwowists. He He He He He He He.

Robin Williams:
When did Ted Kennedy become Jabba the Hutt?

Robin Williams:
You have to remember, John Ashcroft is a man who LOST to a dead man in Missouri.

Robin Williams:
You're saying the Oscars are also political, OH F*** OFF.

Robin Williams:
I have a plan, it's an interesting plan. It's called a timeshare, like Miami, let's try that. Jews will get Hanukah and Passover, Christians will get Christmas and Easter, and Muslims will get Ramadan and that other holiday, Kaboom. Now... obviously, the people in the lawyers section for HBO are going "Oh, f*** off. What are you doing, you a**hole."

Robin Williams:
I like to consider it more like "severe companion." If you only have one room, and I like to call it my "private space," use the light well. You know. You have vertical bars, don't use horizontal blinds. Also, think of your ankle bracelet as an accessory.

Robin Williams:
Now we have shows like THE CHAMBER, THE CHAIR, and FEAR FACTOR. People in Texas are going "We got those shows, WE JUST DON'T FILM THEM.

Robin Williams:
They're saying that some of the Olympic Referees were being paid off, OH SH*T. SAY IT AINT SO.

Robin Williams:
Now we get to see Tanya Harding fight Paula Jones in an all white trash weekend.

Robin Williams:
I'm saying "You're lucky he just bit somebody. Mike just got out of prison; you're lucky he didn't F*** him."

Robin Williams:
Not only will you kick my ass, but you'll sing about it, afterwards. "Oh, the night you said my wife was fat, I knocked you down and sh*t in your hat."

Robin Williams:
Thank you for the standing ovation. We've had the orgasm up front, let's have a cigarette, let's relax. We're here in New York - f***in' NEW YORK. Obviously, this will not be your normal night of theatre... This will be Shakespeare with a strapon! 'So that's the way you like it!'

Robin Williams:
When this whole thing happened, I thought the Statue of Liberty would change. Instead of "Give me your tired and your poor," it would be her with a baseball bat going "You want a piece of me."

Robin Williams:
If ya want a linguistic adventure, go drinkin' with a Scotsman. 'Cause ya couldn't f***ing understand them before...

Robin Williams:
Ya. The nice Germans. Or, as they call themselves, "the other white race."

Robin Williams:
We will all be dead and gone, but Keith

Robin Williams:
will still be there with five cockroaches. He'll be going, "I smoked your uncle, did ya know that? F***ing crazy..."

Robin Williams:
There's a few soccer fans, the rest of you are like, "Uh, that's like football without pads, right?" For the rest of the world, it's football. For us, it's "A strange sport, played by damaged people."

Robin Williams:
Airport security used to be like, BEEP, 'Okay, get on the plane. What's that, oh, that's a gun. Okay, get on the plane!' You could carry a four-inch blade on a plane. That's about that long. Now, you can't even take a nail-clipper on a plane. What, are they afraid you're gonna go "ALRIGHT! Hand over the plane or the b*tch loses a cuticle! I have a nail file! I can be irritating!" What, are they afraid you're gonna do a little West Side Story? "Going down the aisle! Crazy aisle!"

Robin Williams:
And then we drop BOMBS... food... FOOD... bombs... and, here's the fun part: some of the bombs were little yellow bombs... and the food packages were little yellow packages. So now you're playing "Survivor: The Real Game."

Robin Williams:
And what was in those packages? Pop-Tarts, peanut butter, and all you need is a honey-baked ham and you'll have a Redneck Christmas.

Robin Williams:
Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein. So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve the secret plan to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?

Robin Williams:
We're dealing with fundamentalists... the Amish are fundamentalists, but they don't try and hijack a carriage at needlepoint. And, if you're ever in Amish country and you see a man with his hand buried in a horse's ass, that's a mechanic. Remember that.

Robin Williams:
Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned the execution of retarded people. People in Texas are going, "Sh*t, where's the fun in that?" Man, they were zapping retarded people every other week. It would be like, "OK, go sit on Santa's lap, Timmy." BZZT.

Robin Williams:
Gandhi didn't have his own line of products, he didn't have 'Gandhi Jeans', whether you're not eating or simply telling the English to get the f*** out, 'Gandhi Jeans', come in sizes one and below.

Robin Williams:
Everyone plays it. Not like the World Series, 'cause the French don't have a baseball team. If they did,

Robin Williams:
they would only have left field and no one would be safe.

Robin Williams:
There's your dick like a midget in a diving suit..."We're going in today, Pete. We didn't make the deadline."

Robin Williams:
We could have had Jim Bob, the son of God.

Robin Williams:
This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

Robin Williams:
Everybody's worried about people playing baseball on steroids. I'm going, really? Here's one quick way you tell. Two things happen on steroids: your balls shrink and your head grows. So if someone steps up to the plate with a Mardi Gras head and Raisinettes, you're out!

Robin Williams:
An Arab in Utah is like an albino at the Apollo. You would notice!

Robin Williams:
For those playing the home game, this is called a Prince Albert. And I'm sure that was his last wish. I'm sure Albert said, "Victoria, I'm dying. I want you to name a museum, a performance hall, and a bolt through the cock after me."

Robin Williams:
You're 50! And can they make a drug to help you through all of that, to keep all of your organs intact until your golden years? No. Can they make a drug to give you mental clarity to your golden time? No. They've got a drug to make you harder than Chinese algebra!

Robin Williams:
And now we find out, that Winston Churchill, one of the greatest orators of all time, may have been so f***ed up on cognac and champagne, that he didn't do some of his great speeches. They were done by a man from the BBC who also did Winnie the Pooh. 'We will fight them on the beaches, in the air, on the land! Eeyore and Tigger!' And, he was fighting against Hitler! A man who a book recently declared was a homosexual, and I always thought *this* was a clue!

Robin Williams:
That and the leather and the dancing!

Robin Williams:
I can see it now: Osama bin Laden goes up to the gates of Heaven where George Washington comes out, says, "How dare you defile what I have created," and starts whaling on his ass, then 70 other members of the Continental Congress come out and start kicking the sh*t out of him. Osama will say, "Hey, wait! Where are my virgins?" "71 *Virginians*, you a**hole!" Or maybe it's 71 Virgils going, "You got a purty mouth!" "Jesus Christ! I put in a call to Jesus Christ!" And St. Peter goes, "Hey Jesus, did you call a cab? Come here!"

Robin Williams:
I heard it! The PCs! We crossed the politically correct line! It was okay to beat the sh*t out of him, but don't do the ethnic joke!

Robin Williams:
How Buddhist of you! Yes!

Robin Williams:
Now Martha Stewart may become somebodys b*tch. NO! SAY IT AINT SO!