Rocko's Modern Life

Rocko:
Excuse me, sir. But garbage and dogs are not part of a balanced diet.

Heffer:
I don't OWN any spandex!

Heffer:
Look out everyone! He's visually impaired!

Rocko:
If this marriage is going to break up our friendship, I'd rather be deported!

Heffer:
Hey Rock! Do that goofy face you do when you're buying eggs!

Filburt's son:
Why do we wear these things on our shoulders?

Filburt:
Because... it's the future! Thank you for stopping by.

French Guy:
Ahhh, this is no problem. She's at the Eiffel Tower!

Rocko:
Really?

French Guy:
Sure! All cheesy love stories end there!

Eagle:
A wallaby in a boat waving a fish... That's odd - yet strangely appetizing!

Rocko:
Garbage day is a very dangerous day.

Rocko:
Grocery day is a very dangerous day, but at least we got food.

Rocko:
[trying to turn the Suck-o-Matic off] I must cease this senseless sucking!

[keeps pulling and pushing the switch and nothing happens]

Rocko:
It's stuck in suck!

Grandpa Wolfe:
I say we eat the beaver!

Rocko:
Um... yes... uh... Turdy was a, um, bird.

Filbert:
Oh, that's so beautiful!

[repeated line]

Fat Man:
I thought I told you to keep your bird away from MY MONKEY!

Heffer:
Give me another order!

Filburt:
You turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands. Turn the page, wash your hands...

Filburt:
You turn the page, wash your hands.

Filburt:
I'm nauseous! I'm nauseous! I'm nauseous!

Mr. Cheese:
I am the cheese. I am the best character on this show. I am better than the salami and the bologna combined.

Heffer:
[after finding Rocko in the dumpster, his nail-biting problem out of control] All this toe-chewing is making me hungry. Let's go get some chili!

Rocko:
Heff, everybody's bonkers for me bum!

Heffer:
I know. You've got the most famous fanny in O-Town!

Rocko, Filburt:
[opening the door and finding out it's Rocko's deportation officer] WHAT IN THE HELLL... LO?

Heffer:
Through the use of sophisticated computer technology, and a box of crayons, we have constructed a likeness of Dingo today.

Ed Bighead:
Rocko, what're you doing?

Rocko:
[With a paddle in his hand] We're playing spank the monkey.

Rocko's Boss:
[voiceover] Don't touch the green button!

Ed Bighead:
I'm calling the phone!

[to Spunky]

Ed Bighead:
Hey you! Get out of my salmon bushes!

[repeated line]

Heffer:
Oooo-ooo; that was a hoot!

Filburt:
I'm wearing European Style Undergarments!

Rocko:
I've always liked... rainbows

Heffer:
Rocko!

Crappy Jack:
Arr, and then, I heard a scream so loud it could be heard down in Davy Jones' locker. Mickey Dolenz's locker too, and Peter Tork's locker. All the Monkees had lockers...

Crappy Jack the Sailor:
I turned leeward in time to witness the full sail yardarm give way and came crashing down on my midshipman's hind quarters. He let out a scream that could be heard all the way down in Davy Jones' locker. Micky Dolenz's locker too, and Peter Tork's locker. All the Monkees had lockers.

Anchorman Fran:
Now to Fran at the courthouse. Fran? Thanks, Fran. Well, this may very well be the trial of the century, and the question on everyone's mind is: What the heck is Rocko? Is he some kind of dog?

Kangaroo:
I think he's a rabbit.

French Guy:
A rabbit.

Spunky:
You're asking *me*?

Anchorman Fran:
Everyone seems to have an opinion. Excuse me... may I ask you something?

Heffer:
[in disguise] Umm... Me llamo Francior!

Filburt:
[in disguise] And I don't speak English!

O-Town News Anchor:
Wacky Delly is degrading garbage. Its confused social morals and disturbing undertones are tormenting the youths of our nation. Kids everywhere are mindlessly imitating Wacky Delly antics. In Garberville, California. In Ogallala, Nebraska. For God's sake, WE'VE GOT TO STOP THE CARNAGE.

Filburt:
[after he gets a watch that glows in the dark] Ask me what time it is.

Rocko:
Oh my! A house made of healthy snacks!

Heffer:
Healthy Snacks? No way! The house is made of pizza!

Rocko:
Healthy snacks!

Heffer:
Pizza!

Rocko:
Healthy Snacks!

Heffer:
Pizza!

Rocko:
Healthy snacks!

Heffer:
Pizza!

Filburt:
No! You're both wrong! The house is made of fishsticks!

Peaches:
[with ping-pong paddle] 661... 662... 663... 664!... 665! [messes up; growls] 1... 2... 3... 4...

Gladys the Big Hippo Lady:
How dare you!

Filburt:
Look behind you! A wild pig!

The Wild Pig Lady:
I'm a wild pig!

Filburt:
[behind the counter at the mall food court] Stuff On A Stick: Stick your face in our stuff.

Bev Bighead:
[Rocko is screwing in a light bulb] Rocko, could I interrupt you for a moment? There is a spider in the bathroom. Would you mind shooing him out for me?

Rocko:
Don't worry, Mrs. Bighead. I'll get rid of him.

[Rocko opens the bathroom door. A rather large spider struggles on the toliet, holding a newspaper. The spider sees Rocko]

Spider:
[Yiddish accent] Hey! Vad is dis, a sideshow?

[Ed Bighead walks into his home. Rocko has no shirt on. Bev is handing him a bit of cash. She sees him, and plants a *large* smooch on him. Rocko steps back]

Rocko:
Uh, er... Mr. Bighead! It's not what you think! I was just [points]... um, and she... [Rocko begins falling apart, like a Jenga game]

Ed Bighead:
[angry] You saw my wife in her bath robe? [disturbed] Isn't it awful?

[Ed is spying on Rocko's backyard, where a nudist party is being held]

Ed Bighead:
Bev! Oh, I can't believe it! Do you know what that *weirdo* next door is up to?

Bev Bighead:
Oh, shut up and mind your own business, Ed.

Ed Bighead:
But, Bev! They're, well... *Nude*!

[Excited, Bev grabs the binoculars from Ed]

Bev Bighead:
Oh, Ed! Oh, you're right! Yes! This is disgusting! [in whisper] Quick, Ed, get the telescope out of the hall closet!

Really Really Big Man:
You monsters are all alike. You march in here like you own the place and start redecorating.

Really Really Big Man:
Look into my nipples of the future.

Ed Bighead:
[singing] Oh, I don't have the patience to recycle! I don't care about the o-zone layer! I don't buy a single thing that's biodegradeable and I just dump my garbage anywhere!

Ed Bighead:
[singing] Oh, I don't have the patience to recycle. I don't care about the o-zone layer. I don't buy a single thing that's biodegradeable and I just dump my garbage anywhere. [gets fried by sudden blast of sunlight]

Captain Compost Heap:
So you see, kids... If we're not nice to Mother Nature... she'll kick your butts.

Leon Chameleon:
Let me tell you something... This machine... is worth more than you!

Chuck Chameleon:
It is not for beginners!

Rocko:
Don't worry, Heff, we can still have a nice Thanksgiving. I bought us a nice big vegetarian turkey. It'll be delicious!

Heffer:
No, it's not the same.

[Rocko, Heffer and Filburt are about to be hit with bowling balls by the Schitzel Cult]

Rocko:
You can't chuck bowling balls at us!

Schnitzel Cult Leader:
Yes, we can. Says so in the Great Book of Bratwurst. [reads] "And if there is one among you who does not follow the ways of the Schnitzel, let that one go, and do not throw bowling balls at them."

Rocko:
You see? It says let us go.

Schnitzel Cult Leader:
It's a matter of interpretation.

Rocko:
Hef, where did you get a motorcycle?

Heffer:
I saved my snack money for a whole week.

Heffer:
I'm starving. What's the biggest thing on the menu?

Cashier:
That would be our Knockwurst Nightmare Platter, 570 pounds of ground pig parts packed tightly but tantalizingly into over two miles of intestinal tubing. No-one has ever finished the Nightmare Platter.

Heffer:
I'll take two.

Cashier:
There aren't enough pigs in the country, sir.

Heffer:
If you were a true friend, you'd burn my butt. C'mon, brand me, brand me, brand me.

Peaches:
I am the Dark Underlord, the Prince of Doom, the King of Eternal Torment! I am Pain! I am Evil! They call me... Peaches!

Peaches:
This is a 1954 McSpirit Spectervision 3000, and it belongs to me! Do you know what that makes it?

Heffer:
Um... I give up.

Peaches:
It's the TV from Heck!

[Heffer and Peaches laugh]

Heffer:
Wait a minute. Heck? Isn't it supposed to be...

Peaches:
[Covers Heffer's mouth] Censors! And here's the lamp from Heck, and the pineapple from Heck...

Heffer:
I love it when people say that.

Heffer:
Can you pass the remote?

Peaches:
You poor fool. Still don't realize where you are? There is no remote!

Heffer:
Aaaaugh!

Heffer:
Hey, Rocko. Which is funnier, bananas or cheese?

Rocko:
Cheese, Hef. Definitely cheese.

[At the funeral for Filburt's bird, Turdy]

Filburt:
Heffer, would you like to say a few words?

Heffer:
Uh... Beans, beans, they're good for your heart, the more you eat...

Filburt:
All right, that's enough of that.

Rocko:
I'm not a dog, I'm a wallaby!

Dog Catcher:
A wallaby?

Rocko:
Yeah. It's like a kangaroo, only smaller.

Dog Catcher:
You made that up!

Heffer:
You know, I died once.

Filburt:
Really?

Filburt:
[Reading the Fortune Cookie] Bad luck and extreme misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

Elf Fan:
You'll never be satisfied with a mortal woman because the Elf Wenches are so beautiful, you'll spend the rest of your life searching for that same beauty again.

Nuclear Swan Fan:
Wow. You're an idiot.

Heffer Wolfe:
What's up?

Virginia Wolfe:
Your father has something to tell you, dear.

George Wolfe:
Sit down, son. Son, there, uh, comes a time in every boy's life when, uh...

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh. Dad, is this about the birds and the bees?

George Wolfe:
NO.

Heffer Wolfe:
Are you sure?

George Wolfe:
Yes, I'm sure!

Heffer Wolfe:
'cause if it is, I...

George Wolfe:
[losing his patients] It's not about that. It's about passing from boyhood to manhood.

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh, so this *is* about the...

George Wolfe:
Virginia!

Heffer Wolfe:
What?

Virginia Wolfe:
Dear, what your father is trying to say is, you have certain tasks to perform before the pack considers you an adult.

George Wolfe:
Yeah. You have to bring an elk home for dinner.

Heffer Wolfe:
That's it?

Elk Bouncer:
[stops Heffer] Where do you think you're goin'?

Heffer Wolfe:
Umm... inside?

Elk Bouncer:
Don't think so.

Heffer Wolfe:
Why?

Elk Bouncer:
I'll make this simple. You are a cow.

Heffer Wolfe:
Steer.

Elk Bouncer:
Whatever. This is an elk's club. By definition, a club for elks.

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh, yeah...

Elk Bouncer:
What you need is a club for cows.

Heffer Wolfe:
Steers.

Heffer Wolfe:
[sees Elkie and falls in love]

Heffer's Heart:
Look stupid [pulls down a lever] Stumble over [pulls down another lever] . [Heffer tries to walk over to Elkie and falls]

Heffer Wolfe:
[gets back up] Hi.

Elkie:
Hi. My name is Elkie. What's yours?

Heffer's Heart:
[pulls down a lever] Forget name.

Heffer Wolfe:
My name is Tom. NO, wait, that's not right. [tries to remember his name] Jeff. Dan. Joe. Bartholomew.

Heffer's Heart:
[pulls down a lever] Try to impress her.

Heffer Wolfe:
[starts to juggle anvils]

Elkie:
You're cute.

Heffer Wolfe:
[gasps] Really?

Heffer's Heart:
[pulls down a lever that reads "Musical Fantasy"]

Heffer Wolfe:
Mom, Dad, I want you to meet Elkie. [to Elkie] Elkie, this is my family; George and Virginia and this is my brother Peter...

Peter Wolfe:
All right, dinner's arrived.

Virginia Wolfe:
[to Heffer] What does he mean by that?

Heffer Wolfe:
I guess we ordered out.

Elkie:
[whispers to Heffer] Your family are wolves?

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh, I was adopted.

Elkie:
[whispering] I didn't realize.

Heffer Wolfe:
So, would you like to see some embarrassing pictures of me as a child?

Elkie:
Sure. [they leave the room]

George Wolfe:
[whispering] VIRGINIA, SHE'S STILL ALIVE.

Virginia Wolfe:
[whispering] Now, dear. Just be glad he got her here at all.

George Wolfe:
Well, I think he's getting a little TOO friendly with the main course.

Virginia Wolfe:
Well, Heffer's always been very fond of food.

George Wolfe:
Why can't I have any normal offspring!

Peter Wolfe:
[sees Heffer wearing fake antlers] Hey, Heff, what's with the antlers?

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh. [laughs] I forgot I had these on. [takes them off]

Elkie:
[gasps] You're not an elk?

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh, heck no. I just wore these to get into the Elks Club.

Elkie:
I'm dating a cow?

Heffer Wolfe:
Well, steer.

Elkie:
I'm dating a steer?

Peter Wolfe:
You two are *dating*?

Elkie:
Not anymore!

George Wolfe:
What's the matter? He's not GOOD enough for you?

Peter Wolfe:
Whoa. Heffer's dating our dinner.

Elkie:
DINNER?

George Wolfe:
[to Elkie] SO WHAT IF HE's NOT AN ELK? He's not a wolf either, but we love him anyway.

Heffer Wolfe:
Dinner?

Virginia Wolfe:
Okay, kids. If I'm gonna get dinner on the table, I'm gonna have to get Elkie in the oven soon.

George Wolfe:
NOT NOW, Virginia!

Virginia Wolfe:
Oh. Okidoki.

Heffer Wolfe:
[shocked] IN THE OVEN?

Elkie:
I'm not getting in ANY OVEN.

Grandpa Wolfe:
That's fine with me. Raw or cooked, I'm not picky.

George Wolfe:
Oh, no. We have gotta cook her. Mother made a SPECIAL MARINADE for the occasion!

Heffer Wolfe:
Wait a minute! Are you talking about cooking Elkie and serving her for dinner?

Peter Wolfe:
Well, DUH.

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh... WELL I WON'T HAVE IT!

George Wolfe:
[at the Wolf Pack meeting] So, it is with great pride that I place this hat on my son's head. And I declare him, an adult.

Brother Alpha:
So, your son finally caught himself an elk, eh?

George Wolfe:
Yes. Yes, he did. And the whole family had elk meat for dinner.

Heffer Wolfe:
[holds up a bag to his father] Well, soy based elk substitute, actually.

George Wolfe:
SHH.

Rocko:
[just getting to work] Well, I made it. Now if I can only find a parking space. [sees one] Bonza! Right out in front.

Rocko:
[someone takes it right before he can get in] Hey! I was backin' in!

Rocko:
[realizing it's Mr. Smitty] Oh, Mr. Smitty. [laughs nervously] How'd you get here so early? Traffic was terrible.

Mr. Smitty:
I just live next-door. [laughs]

Rocko:
But I can't find a parking space anywhere.

Mr. Smitty:
Drive five blocks over. In the HIGH CRIME AREA.

Mr. Smitty:
[Rocko tries to punch in and an alarm goes off] Well well well. Late again, I see. COME WITH ME!

Mr. Smitty:
[uses a pointer to point out a clock on a chart] What is this, huh?

Rocko:
A clock?

Mr. Smitty:
And what does it tell us, hmm?

Rocko:
Time?

Mr. Smitty:
AND HOW DO WE GET A CLOCK, HMM?

Rocko:
Go to a clock store?

Mr. Smitty:
AND?

Rocko:
Buy one?

Mr. Smitty:
WITH WHAT?

Rocko:
Money?

Mr. Smitty:
[getting more and more furious] MONEY! Good. So any *moron* can SEE that TIME equals what? HUH?

Rocko:
Money?

Mr. Smitty:
I can't hear you!

Rocko:
Money?

Mr. Smitty:
Hmm?

Rocko:
[losing it] MONEY, SIR! TIME IS MONEY!

Rocko:
[pulls up to a sign and reads it] Don't even think about parking here.

[starts to think]

Beaver Policeman:
Ahah. Caught ya.

Rocko:
Oh, no, officer. I was, uh, thinking of something else.

Beaver Policeman:
Oh, yeah? What?

Rocko:
Uh, well, I...

Beaver Policeman:
Yeah, right. Tell it to the judge.

[gives him a ticket]

Mr. Smitty:
[handing him the phone] It's for you, Rocko. It's your car.

Rocko:
MY CAR?

Rocko:
Uh, hello?

Rocko's Car:
Rocko, I've been impounded. You gotta come bail me out. [turns around scared]

Tough Truck:
[laughs sinisterly]

Rocko's Car:
[to Rocko] HURRY!

Rocko:
[at the impound] I came in to bail out my car. It's that red one over there.

Beaver Policeman:
Oh, yeah. The other cars call him fancy fenders. Term of endearment, I'm sure.

Heffer Wolfe:
Gee, Rocko, they towed your car?

Rocko:
Yup. I need to earn money to get him out. But if I keep showing up late for work, Mr. Smitty will fire me.

Heffer Wolfe:
If you don't have a car, that means in order to get to work...

Rocko:
Yeah, Heff. It means I'll have to try... PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION.

Cab Driver:
[has foreign accent] Where to?

Rocko:
Uh... [starts to get sick from the foul smelling cab] Kind of A-Lot-O Comics, 2nd and 35th. [about to throw up]

Cab Driver:
Hey! Read sign! No barfing! [speeds off]

Cab Driver:
You know, you look like a nice boy. Kind of like my son, 'cept he has no money. [yells out the window] Hey! Get out of de way!

Cab Driver:
[talking about his son] Always, "Dad, give me money. Dad, give me money. Give me. Give me. Give me." "What? What? What?."

Rocko:
[sitting next to a guy on the bus that is sleeping, leaning on him and drooling] Hello. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, please. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME! AHH!

Heffer Wolfe:
And now, the final ingredient to complete Filburt's super stacked pineapple cake. Teriyaki sauce.

Filburt Turtle:
Oh, boy. It's happening.

Rocko:
What's happening?

Filburt Turtle:
Every turtle, upon reaching its 21st birthday, must migrate back to its birthplace in order to become an, gulp, adult. [panicking] You guys gotta help me. I don't wanna be an adult. I've heard horrible stories about brand and strange undergarments.

Filburt Turtle:
[wants Spunky to help him escape] Spunky. SPUNKY. Here, boy.

[whistles]

Filburt Turtle:
Come to your Uncle Filburt.

[Spunky comes over]

Filburt Turtle:
That's it. That a boy. You love your Uncle Filburt, don't you, boy?

[Spunky nods]

Filburt Turtle:
YEAH. You'd help your Uncle Filburt get to Kerrplopitgoes Island, right?

[Spunky nods]

Filburt Turtle:
YES. Well, listen up. What you need to do is go to the garage. On the right wall, next to the toolbox, you'll find an acetylene torch.

Fran the Newscaster:
We interrupt our regularly scheduled program to give you this O-Town special report. A crazed turtle has just hijacked the Jolly Roberts seafood restaurant in the marina.

Rocko, Heffer Wolfe:
WHAT THE...

Fran the Newscaster:
Witnesses say the alleged turtle kept screaming, "Fish sticks, fish sticks," as he forced patrons out the backdoor to safety.

Eyewitness:
It was awful. Awful. He was CRAZY! Tartar sauce everywhere! Craziest turtle I ever seen! FISH STICKS! FISH STICKS! AHH!

Rocko, Heffer Wolfe:
Filburt!

Filburt Turtle:
[yelling to Rocko and Heffer] Hey, guys! Guys, it's me! Hey! Hey, it's me, guys! See? [pulls off his wig]

Rocko, Heffer Wolfe:
Filburt?

Filburt Turtle:
Shh. Everyone here knows me as Steve.

Filburt Turtle:
So what's happenin'?

Rocko:
Filburt, uh, I mean Steve, uh, we've come to rescue you from the clutches of mother nature, remember? Rescue you from adulthood and take you back to O-Town?

Filburt Turtle:
[laughs] O-Town? O-Town? More like bore town. Get what I mean?

Mario:
Steve! Steve! Steve! We're all ready for you to teach us The Hustle.

Filburt Turtle:
Be right there, Mario.

[to Rocko and Heffer]

Filburt Turtle:
Listen guys, I'd love to stay and chat, but I gotta boogie. I'm staying here at Club Spawn. Being an adult is great. Oh, and if you guys are gonna hang around, you might put on some spandex threads. If you know what I mean.

Heffer Wolfe:
[starts sobbing]

Rocko:
I know how you feel, Heff. We just lost Filburt to Kerrplopitgoes Island.

Heffer Wolfe:
[sobbing] But I don't own any spandex!

Heffer Wolfe:
[referring to Filburt] I miss him already, Rocko.

Rocko:
Come on, Heff. There's nothing more we can do here. The forces of nature are greater than we.

Fran the Newscaster:
In other news, the Jolly Roberts seafood restaurant was mysteriously returned to its place in O-Town Marina. Only a few cases of *fish sticks* were discovered missing.

Filbert:
[reading a fortune cookie] Bad luck and misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity.

Rocko:
[Rocko and Heffer just finished fixing Rocko's kitchen] Well, I think we're finished. See. It looks just like the picture in the book. [hands Heffer the book]

Heffer Wolfe:
[looks at the book and at their work] Hey, Rock? Where does the refrigerator go?

Rocko:
Uh oh. Something's wrong. Let me see that.

Rocko:
[looks at the book] This is the chapter on bathrooms. We've turned my kitchen into a bathroom!

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
Don't you worry there, young fella. I brought along my camera crew for assistance and we're gonna fix your house up real nice. Okay?

Rocko:
Terrific. So you'll be doing the work yourself?

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
[laughs] Oh, oh, gosh no. Hey, I don't know a hammer from a hemorrhoid. My assistant Al here does all the work. She's a genious.

Al:
Hi, guys.

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
I'm a visionary and a dreamer. Not really hands-on kind of guy. *And*, I look *great* in a plaid work shirt.

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
[sees Rocko and Heffer out the door] You just run along for the rest of the day and when you return, all your problems will be solved.

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
[Rocko gets home to find the job finished] Why, here's the customer now. We fixed the problem and took the liberty to do some additional remodeling before the show there.

Rocko:
My living room. It's a bathroom. [starts looking around the house]

Rocko:
My closet is a bathroom. My basement is a bathroom. My ballroom is a bathroom. Even my bathroom is a bathroom! Well, I guess *that's* okay. [runs downstairs]

Rocko:
[to Bucky] There's too many bathrooms!

Bob 'Bucky' Taylor:
Too *many* bathrooms? Too *many* bathrooms? What are ya, nuts? You can never have too many bathrooms.

Rocko:
Get out of my house, you WACKO!

Ed Bighead:
[giving impassioned speech to his ladies bowling team] Alright, girls. If we win tonight's game, I get that... I mean *we* get that giant trophy. And I don't have to tell you ladies how much that trophy means to me. Remember, girls, it may be true that winning isn't everything. BUT LOSING IS NOTHING!

Rocko:
[Mr. Bighead has asked Rocko and his friends to go bowling] Bowling? We've never been bowling.

Heffer Wolfe:
I've heard they got greasy cuisine at bowling alleys.

Filburt Turtle:
And you get to wear those cool shoes.

Heffer Wolfe, Filburt Turtle:
We're in.

Ed Bighead:
Here, boys. I took the liberty of getting you these team shirts. [hands them to Rocko]

Rocko:
[reads the shirt] The Losers?

Heffer Wolfe:
Oh, cool. Just like a real team. [jumps up on a counter] Look, everybody! I'm a Loser!

Virginia Wolfe:
Come down from there, Heff. You'll put an eye out.

Ed Bighead:
[to himself, gleefully] Oh, this is going to be SWEET.

Ed Bighead:
[to Rocko and Filburt] Now, let's get you boys some shoes, hmm.

Ed Bighead:
[to Ferb] Ferb, some shoes for the opposing team.

Ferb:
Are they a real team?

Ed Bighead:
They got shirts, don't they!

Rocko:
[sees Heffer wearing these huge platform shoes] Heff, where did you get *those* shoes?

Heffer Wolfe:
Some customer left them here. They were the only size 19's that they had.

Gene Simmons:
[to Ferb] What do you mean you gave my shoes away?

Ferb:
[announcing] Attention, bowlers. The O-Town Bowl -O- Rama Amateur League Championship Game will now begin. It's Bighead's Gutter Gals versus The Losers, now on Lane 13.

Filburt Turtle:
[getting worried] Lane 13? That's terribly unlucky.

Heffer Wolfe:
Yeah, unlucky for the slobs we're bowlin' against.

Virginia Wolfe:
Heffer!

Heffer Wolfe:
Oops. Sorry, Mom.

Ed Bighead:
[Virginia only knocked down one bowling pin] What was THAT! YOU BOWL LIKE A WIMP!

Virginia Wolfe:
Well, Ed, I...

Ed Bighead:
No excuses!

Heffer Wolfe:
Hey, Mr. Bighead. That's my mother your yelling at and I DON'T LIKE IT!

Ed Bighead:
Ah, who asked you, chubby?

Virginia Wolfe:
[grabs Mr. Bighead] Don't you insult my boy, you big galute!

Heffer Wolfe:
You tell him, Mom!

Virginia Wolfe:
Thank you, Heffer. [to Mr. Bighead] I'm taking my ball and going home. [packs up her bowling ball and leaves] You won't have Virginia Wolfe to kick around anymore.

Airport Announcer:
Mr. Fourapples, Mr. Bob Fourapples, please return to the ticket counter.

Airport Announcer:
Mr. Maniac, Mr. Klepto Maniac, please put back the white courtesy phone.

Flight Attendant:
Flight 1313 to Las Vegas is now boarding. Will all one-legged weasels born on the right side of a watermelon please board.

Captain:
No need to be alarmed, we just lost power to our right engine.

[both wings are broken off by a couple of mountains between the plane]

Captain:
Oops.

Rocko:
Bath day is a very dangerous day.

Filburt Turtle:
These computer screens are radioactive, and the plate in my head is vibrating!

Little Boy:
Daddy, Daddy, teachers tell me that whenever someone drives with a gas cap on, an angel gets its wings!

Father:
Your teacher's full of snot!

Pig Driving Instructor:
[playing with the floor tiles, to Rocko] Don't step on the white ones. Hot la-a-a-a-a-va. Pineapples!

[Cupid shoots his arrow at Ed Bighead, who gets hit by it.]

Ed Bighead:
[singsongy] Oh, Be-ev.

Bev Bighead:
Yes, Ed.

Ed Bighead:
[seriously] We're almost out of mouthwash.

Heffer Wolfe:
Rocko, living here has allowed me to explore new facets of my personality. I am a nudist.

Heffer Wolfe:
I had this wild dream. Electric eels were biting my butt.

[Rocko is screwing in a lightbulb]

Bev Bighead:
Rocko, could I interrupt you for a moment? There is a spider on the toilet. Would you mind shooing him out for me?

Rocko:
Don't worry, Mrs. Bighead. I'll get rid of him.

[Rocko opens the bathroom door. A rather large spider struggles on the toilet, holding a newspaper; the spider sees Rocko]

Spider:
[Yiddish accent] Hey! Vad is dis, a sideshow?

[Heffer is about to lay down on Rocko's couch, when suddenly, it comes to life.]

Couch:
Now listen here, Tanker Tush! You can park your thunder cheeks in someone else's face because I deserve better than this! Sayonara, butterball!

Heffer Wolfe:
Hey, Rocko!

Rocko:
What have you done?!

Heffer Wolfe:
Pretty cool, huh? Gave all your old stuff to charity.

Rocko:
You...!

Heffer Wolfe:
You can thank me over dinner. I made us my specialty.

[Rocko and Heffer go to the kitchen.]

Heffer Wolfe:
Voila! The Heffer Deluxe!

Rocko:
[takes a bite] Heffer, this is bonza! What's in it?

Heffer Wolfe:
Well, let's see, there's pickled banana shavings, gym socks, canned haggis, beetle bladder, real processed head cheese, salt peter, reconstituted corn sweat, the finest barley and hops. [Heffer's dish starts to crawl away so he stabs it] Hmmm now where was I, pot ash, sulfur, mono sodium glutamate, and vegetable catalidge as a binding agent.

Rocko:
[Rocko has nothing but a trash can on his body.] I want all you nudists outta here this instant! [cut to Rocko at his front door] And stay out! At least I have my dignity.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
Can I help you, young fella?

Rocko:
Well, yes. I need my car fixed.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
[looks at Rocko's car] *That* car? [starts laughing]

Rocko:
[Rocko isn't amused]

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
[stops laughing] Oh, I'm sorry. You're serious.

Rocko:
Yes, I'm serious. I'd like to get my car fixed.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
Son, that cheap little rattle trap is not a car. [points out a nice car] *This* is a car. [points out another nice car] *This* is a car.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
[points to Rocko's car] What you got there, is a little tricycle with an extra wheel. [all the mechanics start roaring with laughter]

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
You see, me and my buddies race in the O-Town Rally every year. And, well, we eat cars like yours for breakfast.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
[goes over to Rocko's car] Why, this old wreck ain't even worth fixin'. Be better off sellin' it for scrap.

Rocko:
SCRAP? This is a great car. It's the car I learned to drive in. The car that brought me to O-Town. I've had some wonderful times in this car.

Bob, Very Last Chance Garage Owner:
[to the mechanics] Hear that, boys? The platypus is all sentimental over his little red wagon.

[all the mechanics start laughing hysterically]

Chuck Chameleon:
Holy enchilada!

Leon Chameleon:
Mrs. Bighead plowed us with a piano!

TV Instructor:
[to Rocko] Hey, fatso, let's go! I'm not doing this for my health!

Heffer Wolfe:
[seeing the Conglom-O credit card that Rocko got in the mail] Rocko! That's it! The answer to all your problems! Plastic! You can charge now and pay later!

Heffer Wolfe:
Wow, look at all the trees.

Heffer Wolfe:
[reading a sign] "Welcome to O-Town National Forest."

Rocko:
[reading another sign] "Enjoy Nature's Splendor."

[both see the Conglom-O Mall]

Heffer Wolfe, Rocko:
Ooooooh, splendor!

Rocko:
We don't need some hoity-toity health club to stay in shape, eh, Heff?

Heffer Wolfe:
No way, man! Care for another slice of pizza?

Rocko:
I'm feeling the burn!

Heffer Wolfe:
Yeah, you should blow on it first. The cheese is hot.

Banjo Boy:
Here comes one of those silly, exercisin' city boys sneakin' up our river.

Hillbilly:
Now we're gonna make ya squeal, piggy!

[picks up a pig and tickles it with a feather]

Rocko:
Heffer, we're here to lose weight, not eat!

Heffer Wolfe:
The more I eat, the more weight I lose.

Cowboy in rowing machine:
Now, we gonna make you squeal, piggy.

[grabs a pig and starts tickling it with a feather, luring the pig to squeal]

Rocko:
Dr. Hutchison? I thought you were a dentist.

Dr. Paula Hutchison:
I was, but I got tired of always looking down in the mouth.

Buff:
[two big scary guys, Rocko's nurses, enter the room] So you're the new patient, huh? We're gonna make sure you're comfortable. Aren't we, Dick?

Dick:
Yeah, real comfortable.

Buff:
[takes out a wheelchair] Here's your chariot, your highness. Why don't you hop in and we'll take you to your nice comfy ROOM. Isn't that right, *Dick*?

Dick:
Yeah, comfy womfy.

Buff:
[they get to Rocko's room] Here's your SPECIAL SWEET. [finds Rocko's hospital gown] Ooh, here's your gown, Cinderella. Now you can go to your FANCY SCHMANCY BALL. [takes out Rocko's slippers] Don't forget your glass slippers!

Buff:
[to Dick] Ahem. AHEM.

Dick:
OH. Yeah, glassy wassy.

Pinky:
[after bungee jumping and doing other dangerous things] Gee, Rocko, that was really fun. But what I'd really like to do is drive a flaming bus through a wall of TVs with a stick of dynamite strapped to my head.

Rocko:
But that's cra... I mean it's not safe. [Pinky starts to cry]

Pinky:
[after driving the flaming bus through a wall of TVs] You know what else I'd like to do?

Rocko:
THAT'S IT. The carnival, FINE. The rollercoaster, OKAY. But then the bungee jumping, The Wall of Death, flying over The Andes with a Brazilian soccer team.

Filburt Turtle:
[mocking Rocko while in a jail cell] Hey look fellas I'm in jail, heh heh

Rocko:
Filb why don't you just relax

Filburt Turtle:
Put a lid on it "Peter Cottontail" you got us into this!

Heffer Wolfe:
[playing a harmonica while sitting on Filburt and Dr. Hutchinson's egg] Ahem [farts]

Filburt Turtle:
[sarcastically] What's that? Oh I'm sorry does the big squishy butt have something to say?

Heffer Wolfe:
[angry] Big squishy butt?

Filburt Turtle:
That's right now get back on the egg and clam up!

Heffer Wolfe:
[Rocko gives him a letter for Alicia] SAY, this smells like a LOVE letter.

Rocko:
That's none of your business.

Heffer Wolfe:
Rocko and Alicia sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.

Rocko:
[not amused] Just deliver the letter, Heff.

Heffer Wolfe:
Okay. But I don't think Wallace is gonna take it very well.

Rocko:
Wallace? Who's Wallace?

Heffer Wolfe:
You know, Wallace from Pizza Face Pizza.

Rocko:
[has a flashback of Wallace pounding him]

Rocko:
[getting scared] Oh, *that* Wallace. Maybe you better give me that letter back.

Heffer Wolfe:
No can do, Rock. NO CAN DO. [stands on his mail truck] The Postman's Creed clearly states: That once an item to be mailed, i.e., your letter, leaves the customer's hand, that means you, and said item is placed in a recognized postal receptacle or the hand of a postal distributor, that's me, the letter becomes official property of the US government and is in no way to be interrupted from reaching it's final destination. Unless, of course, there's insufficient postage.

Rocko:
But I didn't have a stamp on it.

Heffer Wolfe:
That's okay. I'll spot you one.

Rocko:
Come on, Heff. You can give the letter back to me.

Heffer Wolfe:
Have you no respect for the law? Tampering with the mail is a federal offense! And I'm not doin' time for nobody. [drives away]

Rocko:
If I don't get that letter back, I'll be doing time under Wallace's fist.

Heffer Wolfe:
[Wallace answers the door] Hi, Wallace. I got a letter for Alicia.

Rocko:
No! Wait! Heffer, think... stop!

Wallace:
[opens the letter and looks confused]

Heffer Wolfe:
What's the matter? Can't read? No problem. I'll read it to you.

Rocko:
Um, Heffer, I don't think that would be a good idea.

Heffer Wolfe:
[reads the letter] "To my mail carrier. You are like a ray of golden sunshine."

Wallace:
[gets more and more furious]

Heffer Wolfe:
"With each delivery, you bring a glimmer of joy that warms my heart."

Wallace:
[smashes a car]

Heffer Wolfe:
"Love, Rocko." [hugs Rocko] I think your special too, Rocko.

Wallace:
[all of a sudden calms down]

Wallace:
[Points to Heffer and Rocko] You mean, *you* and *you*? [starts crying] That's so sweet.

Heffer Wolfe:
[dropping Rocko off home] Here you go. Door to door service. Thanks to your local postal buddy.

Rocko:
THANKS? THANKS FOR ALMOST GETTING ME FOLDED, SPINDLED, AND MUTILATED? You POSTAL IDIOT!

Heffer Wolfe:
[comes bursting into Rocko's house] Rocko! Do you still have Filburt's diary?

Rocko:
[hides the diary behind his back] No! I mean, yes. But I wasn't reading it. If that's what you mean.

Heffer Wolfe:
I just gotta see it! It's all I think about! I can't sleep, I can't think! I can't even eat! Well... okay, I *can* *eat*.

Rocko:
[referring to Filburt's diary] Look, Heff, if I let you see one page, then will you be satisfied?

Heffer Wolfe:
Yes. I'll be satisfied.

Heffer Wolfe:
[Heffer starts reading aloud] The Earth Log of Filburt Shellbach. I am an alien. For our evil plan to take over this puny planet, see next page. Well, that's one page.

Rocko:
Yup. One page.

Heffer Wolfe:
[closes the diary] Play a game of badminton?

Rocko:
Um... yeah. Okay.

Filburt Shellbach:
[singing] Short and fat and green and warty / The toads from Okefenokee they party / When they party, yes, wen they party / They go R-I-B-B-I-T.

Bev Bighead:
Ed, would you say sales this quarter are...

Ed Bighead:
[Delirious] Garbage day is a very dangerous day.

Bev Bighead:
Never mind.

[Heffer and Filburt enter Conglomo in a Ed Bighead costume]

Receptionist:
Morning, Mr. Bighead. Feeling better today?

Heffer Wolfe:
Okay, watch this.

Receptionist:
[Imitates Ed] I'm Mr. Bighead, and, boy, am I ever grouchy!

Receptionist:
Of course, sir. They're waiting for you in the boardroom.

Filburt Shellbach:
Thank you. [Snickers]

Filburt Shellbach:
Ed! Ed! You have been charged with treason. How do you plead, froggy-lips?

Heffer Wolfe:
He looks funny.

Filburt Shellbach:
Shut up! Ed, I am your conscience.

Heffer Wolfe:
I'm his conscience, too.

Filburt Shellbach:
What?

Heffer Wolfe:
Don't say I, say we.

Filburt Shellbach:
What?

Heffer Wolfe:
We! We!

Filburt Shellbach:
All right. Wee-wee!

Heffer Wolfe:
[Snickers] You said "wee-wee." Say it again.

Filburt Shellbach:
Wee-wee!

Filburt Shellbach:
Citizens of Conglomo, repeat after me. Wee-wee!

Crowd:
Wee-wee!

Heffer Wolfe:
[Laughs] Say it again!

Crowd:
Wee-wee! Wee-wee! Wee-wee!

Filburt Shellbach:
[voicing Mr. Cheese] I am the cheese! I am the best character on this show! I am better than both the salami and the bologna combined!

Heffer Wolfe:
[beats up Filburt] Your drawings aren't even good enough for the Family Channel, Filburt!

Heffer Wolfe:
Give me another double order of fries.

Bartender:
Sorry, pal. I think you've had enough.

Heffer Wolfe:
I'll tell you when I've had enough, you greasy plate jockey!

Rocko:
[reading off a piece of paper] Hi, I'm your wild stallion here to whisk you away. [looks up to see it's his date's father]

Father Rabbit:
You must be my little girl's date. Let me tell you something. You lay one paw on my daughter and you'll become my personal toothpick! YOU HEAR ME!

Female Rabbit:
Daddy, is that my date?

Father Rabbit:
Yes, dear. Now you two run along and have a GOOD TIME.

Rocko:
Yes, sir. We certainly will.

Female Rabbit:
[rushes Rocko to the car]

Rocko:
Your father seems like a real... great guy.

Female Rabbit:
[seductively] So, what do you wanna do?

Rocko:
Uh, well... uh, how 'bout I walk you back to the door.

Female Rabbit:
How 'bout we trade math equations, baby.

Rocko:
Aah!

Crowd:
[singing] R-E-C-Y-C-L-E recycle! C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E conserve! Don't you dare P-O-L-L-U-T-E pollute the rivers, sky or sea or else you're gonna get... what you deserve!

Rocko:
[after a crowd song that he missed] Why was everyone singing?

Heffer:
We just got a song in our hearts!

Rocko:
How is it you all know the words? Did you rehearse?

Heffer:
Yeah, every Thursday. Didn't you see the flyers?

Guy:
And you know what they say...

Rocko:
It's going to be a song, isn't it?

Rocko:
[leading the cast to the doors of Conglom-O, where they are confronted by a laconic guard] We demand to speak to the board of directors!

Security Guard:
Uh-huh. And you would be...?

Heffer:
We're a biiig, unruly mob!

Crowd:
[singing, with choreography] We're a big, unruly mooooob!

Entire cast:
[singing] Rocko fought City Hall!

Rocko:
And I won, too.

Entire cast:
Rocko fought Corporate America! They were big and he was small!

Rocko:
But not too small.

Entire cast:
Rocko fought City Hall.

The bowling episode:
When Bighead declares that he only needs one ball to pick up a pin, the announcers comment:

"And there you have it:
a completely gratuitous show of bravado."