Roland Rat: The Series

[Bridge On the River Kwai sketch]

Roland Rat:
So go and blow up that bridge.

Ross Davidson:
What... What. That bridge?

Roland Rat:
Yeah. Why not?

Ross Davidson:
Because man it's a very, very busy bridge.

Roland Rat:
Year?

Ross Davidson:
It's in Staines. The number 68 bus goes along there.

Roland Rat:
Oh. Don't be stupid. This is the Burmese jungle remember? Look. London Transport doesn't operate in jungles. London Transport hardly operates in London.

Ross Davidson:
Oh year? Well what's that then?

[the number 68 bus goes across]

Errol:
It's the number 68 bus.

Wanda:
Isn't Pinkey a wonderful pixey children?

Roland:
No. He's just thick.

Errol:
And have you incidentally heard the terrible news.

Man:
What terrible news?

Errol:
Manchester United lost again.

Man:
Tragic.

Errol:
I also heard that Roland Scrooge is dead.

Man:
Really? How did Chelsea get on?

Errol:
They lost as well.

[Tale of two Cities sketch]

Brian Blessed:
I hope this has been worthwhile.

Roland:
Of course it has Bri. You know you're middle aged. You've got a lot of pull.

Regie:
Pull. [Pulls the plank] Done it.

Roland:
Do you realise what you've just done Regie?

Regie:
Cut his head off.

Roland:
Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage. [Tuts] Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all.

Roland:
Right, Brian, all you do now is kneel down and put your head in the hole. Okay. And then we fade out. Yeeaahhh.

Brian Blessed:
If I must. Like this?

Roland:
Yes thank you Brian. Very nice, very nice. Yes. Ha-ha. So this is where I do me big speech. "So die, all enemies, of the revolution." Yeah. "The end". Ha-ha-ha.

Brian Blessed:
Can I get up now?

Roland:
No. Hold it for the fade out.

Brian Blessed:
God I hope this has been worthwhile.

Roland:
Of course it has Bri. You know you're a big draw with the middle aged. You'll got a lot of pull.

Regie:
Pull. [Plank comes down] Done it.

Roland:
Do you realize what you've just done Regie?

Regie:
Cut his head off.

Roland:
Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage [tuts]. Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all. Ha-ha [walks off in a hurry].

Darcey:
Darcey De-Farcey's Secret of the Worlds Greatest Chefs. And there are still a few copies left you lucky people.

Errol:
I thought you said that you had a warehouse full of them.

Darcey:
Yes. Thank you Errol.

Errol:
No one in their right minds would buy one of them.

Maureen:
I brought one.

Errol:
Exactly. I rest my case.

Fergie The Ferret:
Luvvy Duvvy Darling.

Roland:
What's your name, love?

Leslie:
Leslie Ash.

Roland:
Ha. Good job your names's not fag. Get it? Fag ash. Yeeeaaahhhh.