Role Models

[from trailer]

Wheeler:
[sits down] What up, Ronnie?

Ronnie:
I don't wanna take my pants off!

Wheeler:
[stunned] What?

Danny:
I bet if i suggested a game of Quidditch, he'd cum in his pants.

[from trailer]

Ronnie:
Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!

Danny:
I'm not Ben Affleck!

Ronnie:
You white, then you Ben Affleck. Right Wheeler?

Wheeler:
You *are* white.

Danny:
That's true, I am white.

Kid:
Hey! Nice cow outfit, homo! Where can I pick one of those up, the gay zoo?

Danny:
Oh no, it's not a cow, it's a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.

Wheeler:
She let me keep it after I f***ed her.

Gayle Sweeny:
Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I used to suck his dick for drugs.

Martin Gary:
[observes Wheeler and Danny having popcorn thrown at them] I've heard of popcorn in the face, but this is ridiculous!

Gayle Sweeny:
Watch your language, Ronnie.

Ronnie:
My language is English and this mother f***er tried to grab my hang-dang.

Gayle Sweeny:
Did Wheeler ever expose himself to you?

Ronnie:
Hell, no!

Wheeler:
Hey, Martin! What are you doing out here?

Martin:
Just doin' my perimeter check!

Wheeler:
Hey, did you know that dinosaurs are not extinct? Because birds are dinosaurs. And they're everywhere. I gotta pee. I really gotta pee.

Wheeler:
I don't have crabs! Ronnie, What have you been telling these kids?

Ronnie:
You got crabs.

Wheeler:
You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.

Ronnie:
Honky wanted a fistful of my balls!

Danny:
[while urinating neon green liquid] Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.

Gayle Sweeny:
You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.

Wheeler:
What did you have for dinner?

Danny:
Was it cocaine?

Kuzzik:
Now let us gingerly touch our tips.

Esplen:
Um... Augie, now that I'm queen... I was wondering if, maybe, you'd want to be my... king?

Augie Farks:
[grinning] Sure! [pause] Am I supposed to kiss you now?

[Esplen giggles and they kiss]

Augie Farks:
[to himself] F*** yeah!

Ronnie:
Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher", and I have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher".

Danny:
Pick us up in two hours.

Ronnie:
F*** you, Miss Daisy.

Gayle Sweeny:
[Appropriately hugging Martin] *This* is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big.

[Hugging him from behind]

Gayle Sweeny:
*This* is not.

Wheeler:
Well, obviously we're not supposed to buttf*** these kids.

Gayle Sweeny:
Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-sh*t?

Wheeler:
In what way are we full of sh*t?

Danny:
Which one of us has the Ph.D?

Gayle Sweeny:
You're standing over there, and you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up!

Gayle Sweeny:
Why don't you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!

Duane:
We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate.

Martin Gary:
Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that.

Danny:
God dammit Ronnie!

Ronnie:
What? Because I'm black you think I did it?

Danny:
No, because you did it is why I think you did it.

Ronnie:
[Jumps on tent pole]

Danny:
Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.

Ronnie:
Let's dance, Ben Affleck!

Danny:
Man, why do you bow for that guy?

Augie Farks:
Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.

Danny:
Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.

Danny:
Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?

Augie Farks:
Would you like to come in and see my turtle?

Danny:
I'm fine.

Ronnie:
Of course he has a turtle.

Danny:
No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

Danny:
It's not you, I hate having dinner with people.

Danny:
I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...

Gayle Sweeny:
I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service these young boys.

Augie Farks:
Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed", "You should not be fighting", "You look like a young Marvin Hamlisch". I say "Nay, I am not embarrassed", "I will fight", "Who the f*** is Marvin Hamlisch?"

Danny:
He wrote the music for The Sting.

Wheeler:
That's a good movie.

Linda the Teacher:
You have been a bad boy.

Wheeler:
Oh yes I have.

Linda the Teacher:
You have been misbehaving, and now you need to stay after class.

Wheeler:
While this is one of my top fantasies, I need to get back to my friend.

Linda the Teacher:
Are you sure?

[She takes off her dress]

Wheeler:
Oh he'll be fine. He's 10.

Beth:
Yes, Wheeler?

Wheeler:
This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?

Beth:
That's not a stupid question.

Danny:
It's real in the game of Monopoly.

Wheeler:
But Monopoly is based on true events.

Danny:
What part of Monopoly is based on real events?

Wheeler:
The luck.

Wheeler:
Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird f***. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock.

Augie Farks:
Why are you telling me this?

Wheeler:
Why would I not?

Gayle Sweeny:
Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.

Wheeler:
Are you the coach?

Gayle Sweeny:
I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.

Danny:
Do you like coke?

Augie Farks:
I like the idea of it more than I actually like it.

Kuzzik:
Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched.

Kuzzik:
Lets get ready to dance... with swords!

Ronnie:
Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin' with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings.

Kuzzik:
Rub-a-dub-dub!

Wheeler:
[Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo] You see, Ronnie, his *dick* is the gun!

Danny:
Eight hours down, 142 to go.

Wheeler:
This sucks ass.

Danny:
Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a f***ing break.

Gayle Sweeny:
I know why you are here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.

Danny:
Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?

Ronnie:
We are butt suck, chipmunk ass butt! We got ass butt, oh yo ass butt!

Wheeler:
Come sit on, sit down! Please! Danny?

Danny:
I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it invokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".

Wheeler:
Yeah, I know what you need.

Danny:
KISS? Are you kidding? Oh god.

Wheeler:
I love KISS.

Danny:
No one loves kiss. Paul Stanley is sick of KISS.

Wheeler:
Whoa! Don't diss the Starchild.

Danny:
Hey, don't get me wrong, alright, I like to rock and roll all night. And part of every day.

Wheeler:
Party every day. Rock and roll all night and party every day.

Danny:
I like to rock and roll part of every day.

Wheeler:
Party every day.

Danny:
I usually have errands. I can rock and roll from like one to three.

Wheeler:
You know what's great about this job?

Danny:
You mean besides nothing?

Wheeler:
We're making the world a better place.

Danny:
How?

Wheeler:
You know, give the kids an energy boost to stay off drugs.

Danny:
We're selling them nuclear horse piss for six bucks a can, what an accomplishment.

Wheeler:
Feels good, doesn't it. Plus it's totally easy to do hung over. I could do this job forever.

Danny:
If I had to do this job forever I'd put a bullet in my head.

Wheeler:
What's up minotards?

Mitch:
What's up Wheeler?

Wheeler:
My dick!

Beth:
Danny! What is your problem?

Danny:
I'm sorry, alright? I'm not Wheeler, happy in some brainless job. No goals, no ambition.

Beth:
You don't know how Wheeler feels. For all you know he hates his job as much as you do.

Wheeler:
I love this job!

guy:
Hey Wheeler, she's tasting your beast!

coffee girl:
Good morning, can I take your order?

Beth:
Can I get a tall chai?

Danny:
And a large black coffee.

coffee girl:
A what?

Danny:
Large black coffee?

coffee girl:
Do you mean a venti?

Danny:
No, I mean large.

Beth:
He means a venti. Yeah, the biggest one you got.

coffee girl:
Venti is large.

Danny:
No, venti is twenty.

Beth:
Danny.

Danny:
Yeah. Large is large. In fact, tall is large. And grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.

coffee girl:
Look dick, venti is a large coffee.

Danny:
Really? Says who? Fellini?

Beth:
How much is that, here's a ten.

Danny:
Do you accept Lira, or is it all Euros now?

Beth:
You know what, keep the change.

Beth:
And FYI, it's called a venti because it's twenty ounces. Twenty! Venti!

Danny:
Is that true?

Danny:
She says I take no joy in life.

Wheeler:
I can see that.

Danny:
I gotta talk to her.

Wheeler:
Aw, forget her, man. Let me give you a little motto I live my life by: You gotta hit it and quit it. No ties, tangle free, nobody tells me what to do. I get to bang bang bang the drum.

Danny:
That's not a motto, that's... that's just you saying a bunch of things. You know, that's right. I'm a dick. And I'm in a rut. Just going from school to school selling poison to our nation's youth.

Wheeler:
It's not poison. It's got juice in it.

Danny:
You know what, we're making a detour.

Wheeler:
What?

Danny:
We're making a detour.

Wheeler:
Where?

Danny:
We're making a detour.

Wheeler:
Why?

Danny:
Who is this guy?

Beth:
Thank you Mr. Garvin. He's a thief.

Mr. Garvin:
Falsely accused.

Danny:
Yeah, well, he looks like Phil Collins.

Minotaur man (Wheeler):
Woo! Taste the beast! Stay off drugs! Minotaur!!

Danny:
Drugs. Why do kids take drugs? Because they're awesome? No, maybe they just understand that life is pain and if you smoke something or take a pill it will go away for a while. I'll drink to that.

Minotaur man:
Dude dude dude due come on.

Danny:
No, no no, no. People say "Embrace life. Enjoy life. Just do it! Live it! Rock it!" F*** it! Because life is horrible. You know, I may not be so happy go lucky, but I'm a realist. Get ready to have your dreams dashed, kids, 'cause nothing's going to work out the way you think it's going to. Gin gin! By the way, this stuff's poison.

[from trailer]

Wheeler:
What up, Ronnie? It's good to meet you. [sits down] What you drawing there? Oh Beyoncé. She's smoking!

Ronnie:
I don't wanna take my pants off!

Wheeler:
[stunned] What?

Gayle:
I got a long-standing relationship with this judge and I don't wanna get too graphic but I used to suck his dick for drugs.

Gayle:
Don't you come in here preaching to me about hours when you're standing over there, and you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up!