Sabrina, the Teenage Witch

Valerie:
Gordy, are you even aware that there's a dance on Friday?

Salem:
I'll pick you up at 8. What kind of flowers do you like?

Valerie:
Surprise me!

Salem:
That means roses.

Salem:
Dogs guard; cats watch... and judge.

Jenny:
You're so lucky your parents are strict! My parents are really relaxed, which makes it hard to rebel!

Zelda:
So that's your plan?

Vesta:
Please, I don't plan! I scheme!

Zelda:
Welcome home, sunshine! How was your day?

Sabrina:
Here's a quick recap: There was boredom followed by dullness with a dash of echh!

Salem:
Finally! I'm free! I have no place to go.

Sabrina:
It can take years to develop a craft. Look at my aunts Hilda and Zelda.

Josh:
Which craft were they involved in? Which craft were they involved in?

Sabrina:
Witchcraft? Who said anything about witchcraft?

Hilda:
I just haven't turned myself into wind in years.

Salem:
Would cabbage help?

Sabrina:
You are so weird!

Salem:
[nodding] It helps break up the day.

Miles Goodman:
Up 'til now we've known each other only as roomates, but I'm open to other avenues.

Roxie King:
Take a U-turn.

Miles Goodman:
I need you to summarize your being in four words or less.

Hot Girl:
Not. Interested. In. You.

[a spell turns Salem blonde]

Salem:
I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped 20 points!

Zelda:
[pointing to each of the Spellman women] Blonde, blonde, blonde. [points at Salem] Dead.

[All of Salem's mined magic is used on Sabrina]

Salem:
Well, at least I'm young. No, that's Sabrina. Well, at least I have my own magic. No, wait, that's Sabrina. At least I'm a biped, no, no, wait, THAT'S SABRINA!

Hilda:
A cat is doing an imitation of me kissing my niece's vice-principal. So this is my lowest point.

Zelda:
He just needs to remember his childhood dreams. You know what? I am going out and get him a copy of 'What color is your parachute'

Hilda:
Oh what a sweet idea.

[Zelda leaves]

Hilda:
[to Sabrina] It will never work. You'd better use magic.

Salem:
Let's destroy everything that's dear to him. Let's indoctrinate him into the cathedral of agony.

Zelda:
I'm gonna write him a very stern letter.

Salem:
You're a regular Mad Max aren't ya?

Zelda:
So that was a dead end, but I think if we systematically retrace your steps over the last three months...

Hilda:
[Interrupting] Sometimes I think you actually work at being annoying.

Zelda:
No, not really.

[a bird is twittering outside the window]

Salem:
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Why must you keep tormenting me?

Valerie:
OK, I'll come over to your house...

Sabrina:
Ok. NO, PIRATES!

Valerie:
Pirates?

Sabrina:
I didn't say pirates... I said By gum! By Gum don't come over here!

Hilda:
Ah ha! You were measuring behind my back. You were going to redecorate Sabrina's room without me!

Zelda:
I didn't think you'd mind.

Hilda:
Why not?

Zelda:
Because you're a kind and giving person... And you have no taste.

Salem:
I'm gonna be tossed out into the snow on my nicely rounded buttocks.

Sabrina:
Having magic and being a witch is great and all, but I can't live without seeing my mother.

Zelda:
Okay... do you know where to call in case of an emergency?

Salem:
THE MONEY STORE?

Zelda:
Salem!

Salem:
Yes... I've got your pager number.

Zelda:
I think he's too young for me. He's so excited about the turn of the century.

Hilda:
I know, really. I partied like it was 1699, 1799, 1899 - in 1999, I'm staying home.

Hilda:
What's my bra doing on the roof?

Salem:
Erm, the squirrels needed a nutfeeder...

Salem:
[playing with a tassel on a cushion] Don't you toy with me you saucy minx!

Salem:
[speaking to a dog - subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen which read; go get me the meat of the... ] Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof, oh shoot i forgot the word for floor, oh yeah, woof

[repeated line]

Libby Chessler:
Ew.

James:
I used to be a spy, you know. [points to the back of his head] Sean Penn got me right here. [points to his forehead] P. Diddy got me right here. [points to his chest] Celine Dion got me right here.

Sabrina:
She hit you?

James:
No. The song she did for "Titanic" always chokes me up.

Sabrina:
[about the Washing Machine engineer, who has a tail] He can't stay! He has a tail!

Salem:
What's wrong with having a tail?

Zelda:
Sabrina, you're not a rumpist, are you?

Sabrina:
A rumpist? What's a rumpist?

Zelda:
Someone who judges others by their rear ends.

Sabrina:
No. OK, not usually.

Zelda:
What's the matter?

Sabrina:
What's the matter? I have to be a witch, I have to be a mortal, I have to be a teenager and I have to be a girl all at the same time. That's what's the matter.

Salem:
At least you still have your thumbs... and a door on your bathroom!

Harvey Kinkle:
A penny saved is a penny earned.

Salem:
Don't eat the yellow snow.

Zelda:
[Sabrina's going on a trip] Wear seat belts! Watch the road! Avoid ice! Don't pass on mountain roads!

Hilda:
Have fun?

Zelda:
That's implied.

Sabrina:
[trying to fix a broken radio] [hits it and it starts working] It works! And they say violence doesn't solve anything.

Harvey Kinkle:
[after an accident] Is everybody ok?

Sabrina:
Well, I didn't hear a voice say, "Sabrina, step into the light," so I guess I'm ok.

[Sabrina does magic]

Brad Johnson:
Hey! What was that spark?

Sabrina:
Um, static electricity?

Sabrina:
[Harvey comes to pick her up] Good news, you don't have to loiter uncomfortably in the lobby and make awkward small talk with my aunts while you wait because I am already ready.

Salem:
Earthquake!

Zelda:
But we're in Massachusetts.

Sabrina:
[Looks out the window] Is that a beanstalk?

Salem:
Beanstalk!

Salem:
Hello, this is your guard speaking. Harvey is at the front door, and send me a sandwich!

Asher:
Cool, a talking Cat. Say "Asher." Ash-er!

Salem Saberhagen:
Loser! Los-er!

Hilda Spellman:
[Hilda and Zelda are making Candy corn in a couldron] May I lick the bowl?

Zelda Spellman:
Yes. Of course, you'll be horribly burned...

Nurse Nancy:
Get me a cold compress.

Libby Chessler:
Is that all you do?

Nurse Nancy:
My hands are tied by the state.

[in a song walking on the beach together]

Kevin:
I like to think about you / you like to think about me / we're just like birds of a feather / 'cause we're havin' so much fun together

Sabrina Spellman:
I'm gonna kill my aunts for this

[sings along]

Sabrina Spellman:
We have fun, it's true / in everything we say and do / but a girl really needs to know if a guy's just a friend or if he's her beau

Kevin, Sabrina Spellman:
That's why I like to think about you / and you like to think about me / rain or shine / in any kind of weather / you and I are havin' fun together

Salem:
For one kiss I will let you know that embarrassment is cross-referenced in the magic book under Gerald Ford

Sabrina:
Hey, thanks, Salem!

Salem:
Wait, I didn't do that right.

Zelda Spellman:
The truth can have painful side effects.

Sabrina Spellman:
Like what?

Zelda Spellman:
Itching, chaffing, hurt feelings.

Sabrina Spellman:
Sounds like gym class.

Dante:
Hey, you look great.

Sabrina Spellman:
Thanks. So you ready to go bowling?

Dante:
Of course, there's a first for everything

Sabrina Spellman:
You've never been bowling before?

Dante:
Are you kidding? I never been in the mortal realm before.

Sabrina Spellman:
[to herself] Oh, this can't be good.

Sabrina Spellman:
We weren't supposed to like the people we went out with.

Valerie Birkhead:
Oh, didn't you hear? He had a good time on his date, too.

Sabrina Spellman:
He did?

Valerie Birkhead:
Apparently his date's a model or something. Is that... not... too... particulary... good for me.

Libby Chessler:
Hi, I'm Libby.

Chad Corey Dylan:
Hi, I'm Chad.

Libby Chessler:
Saw you dancing out there. You're really good.

Chad Corey Dylan:
Oh, well, I'm also a daredevil and a rock musician.

Libby Chessler:
Really? What instrument do you play?

Chad Corey Dylan:
Well, uh, lead guitar.

Harvey Kinkle:
[Scoffs] Lead guitar.

Sabrina Spellman:
Hey, Harvey, don't you play an instrument?

Harvey Kinkle:
Yeah! The bassoon.

Sabrina Spellman:
Wow! The bassoon. I think that's really sexy.

Libby Chessler:
Maybe to another bassoon.

Principal Willard Kraft:
Not another protest. If this was China I'd run over you with a tank.

Drell:
I'm as giddy as a school girl!

Sabrina Spellman:
[Looking at a photography book] Isn't Annie Leibovitz cool? She knows everybody.

Harvey Kinkle:
Oh, look at this one! Whoopi Goldberg in a bathtub of milk! I wonder if they warmed it before she got in?

Sabrina Spellman:
I'm sure. She's a star!

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina has to avoid kissing Harvey or he will turn into a frog] Well, that was fun. Best time two friends could have! Ha. Well, nothing left to say, so good night and Godspeed!

Zelda Spellman:
I've done it! I'm on the verge of one of the biggest scientific breakthroughs in the history of mankind.

Salem Saberhagen:
How incredible! [to Sabrina] You gonna finish that toast?

Zelda Spellman:
You know that formula I've been working on? I found the key ingredient.

Sabrina Spellman:
Liquorice?

Zelda Spellman:
Oh, don't be silly, Sabrina, liquorice won't cure allergies. It's ostrich saliva.

Hilda Spellman:
[to Sabrina] The hard part is getting them to drool. Give me that. [Reaches for Zelda's beaker, which smashes on the floor; the entire room is suddenly spotless]

Sabrina Spellman:
Wow! One drop of that and the whole kitchen is spotlessly clean!

Hilda Spellman:
I'll say! The walls, the table, the counters...

Sabrina Spellman:
Salem!

Salem Saberhagen:
[Salem has turned completely white] I'm blonde! My IQ just dropped twenty points.

Zelda Spellman:
[Pointing at Sabrina, Hilda and herself] Blonde, blonde, blonde. [Pointing at Salem] Dead.

Mrs. Quick:
I got a postcard from Valerie, she's really enjoying her trip to D.C. [Reading postcard] Hi, everyone! I've visited the Vietnam Memorial, the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, and JFK's grave. This place is really fun!

Libby Chessler:
Sounds like a big loser town to me.

Mrs. Quick:
I have an important announcement to make: the school will be entering a float in the town's Democracy Daze celebration.

Harvey Kinkle:
[to Sabrina] Great. I get to hear my Dad's Grenada story again.

Mrs. Quick:
Now who would like to be in charge of putting the float together? [Sabrina and Libby both raise their hands] Oh, my. [Looks at Valerie's postcard from Washington] Well, I think this would be the perfect opportunity for the two of you to embody our democracy's two party system and work together.

Sabrina Spellman:
What?

Salem Saberhagen:
Man! This house is so spotless and germ free Howard Hughes could live here!

Hilda Spellman:
Zelda, if we could market this stuff, we'd make a fortune!

Salem Saberhagen:
Good luck! The FDA will never approve of ostrich saliva. Those pencil pushing bureaucrats have ruined many a dream.

Hilda Spellman:
Well, we could still sell it in the Other Realm. What do you say, Zeldy?

Zelda Spellman:
No. I made this formula to cure allergies and end suffering, not to whiten.

Hilda Spellman:
You ever cleaned a toilet? That's suffering! Besides, you said it didn't even cure allergies.

Zelda Spellman:
Yet! Medical breakthroughs take time, get off my back! This is why Pasteur broke up with you! [Leaves]

Hilda Spellman:
He told me he had to work out stuff with his Mother!

Salem Saberhagen:
You gotta hand it to Zelda. She's a pillar of integrity.

Hilda Spellman:
Yeah. Let's steal her formula!

Libby Chessler:
[Sabrina, Libby and other students are working on the float] The school guidelines state that the float is required to have flowers. The rest of the design is up to me.

Sabrina Spellman:
Don't you mean "us"?

Libby Chessler:
Well, I'll be using "me" as shorthand for "us". I've already got the floral design in my head...

Sabrina Spellman:
Oh! Well I'm glad your butt is working. Oh, I'll be using "butt" as shorthand for your head.

Hilda Spellman:
[Hilda and Salem approach Zelda's lab] The coast is clear! Operation "Find the Allergy Formula, That Also Cleans, Don't Get Caught and Make a Lot of Money" is underway.

Salem Saberhagen:
You start looking, and I'll start workin' on a shorter code name.

Sabrina Spellman:
[Harvey appears through a floor-level door in the side of the float] Argh! Harvey? What are you doing under there?

Harvey Kinkle:
Soupin' up the engine. This baby'll be able to go ninety miles an hour.

Sabrina Spellman:
But we're behind the World War Two veterans. Haven't they suffered enough?

Sabrina Spellman:
[the Quizmaster's spell has made it impossible for Sabrina to be apart from Libby] Where are you going?

Libby Chessler:
To cheerleading practice? [Raises pom-poms] Ready? Get lost!

Sabrina Spellman:
Hey, you know that would make a really good story for the school paper? A day in the life of a cheerleader!

Libby Chessler:
But, you despise cheerleaders. And cheerleaders despise you.

Sabrina Spellman:
You're afraid I'll write a puff piece, aren't you? [Libby walks away, and Sabrina is pulled along behind her] Well, look, don't run!

Hilda Spellman:
[Hilda and Salem have made a commercial for their new cleaning product] Here it comes!

Hilda Spellman:
[On TV, holding up a stone] This dungeon stone is white, but what would you call this one? [Holds up a whiter stone]

Salem Saberhagen:
Bright!

Hilda Spellman:
Exactly! And that's why, for the next twenty minutes, we'll be telling you how you can get your house this clean with new Scientist-in-a-Drum!

Salem Saberhagen:
And now, here's Bruce Jenner to tell you more.

Libby Chessler:
[Sabrina is rehearsing with Libby and the other cheerleaders] Okay, let's do it again. Sabrina, if you insist on actually doing the cheers, you have to stop screaming "Please, let me die!"

Libby Chessler:
Okay, you guys can take a break. You can go get a drink of water, and think about how you can be more like me.

Libby Chessler:
Why have you decided to become my shadow all of a sudden?

Sabrina Spellman:
Well, I figured since we're gonna be working together, you know, maybe we could find a common ground.

Libby Chessler:
Any ground I found with you would, indeed, be common.

Sabrina Spellman:
[Chuckles nervously] You know, wait, I'm just trying to get to know you better.

Libby Chessler:
Well, I'm popular, confident, non-freakish. Everything you're not. And if you insist on traipsing after me, could you at least wear a higher quality perfume? [Walks off]

Sabrina Spellman:
Okay, enough. Nothing is worth this. I don't care what happens to me. [Forces herself away from Libby, breaking the spell; there is an explosion] Libby! Oh, no! [Picks up box] I turned her into a puzzle! [Reading box] For ages three and up?

Zelda Spellman:
[Sabrina has shown her aunts the Libby puzzle] Sabrina, did you blow up a mortal?

Sabrina Spellman:
She started it!

Zelda Spellman:
Is that all there is?

Sabrina Spellman:
[Some pieces of Libby are missing] Box is empty, how can we be missing pieces?

Quizmaster Albert:
Didn't you read the fine print? [Hands the box over to Sabrina]

Sabrina Spellman:
[Reading box] Some pieces not included in box? What a rip-off!

Quizmaster Albert:
I guess you didn't see this either. [Gives Sabrina an hourglass] Now if you don't find the missing pieces and put them in before the sand runs out, Libby will be a puzzle forever.

Sabrina Spellman:
What?

Hilda Spellman:
Boy! In the final analysis, the Libby puzzle isn't much fun, is it?

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina and the Quizmaster are searching the float for pieces of the Libby puzzle; Harvey appears from beneath the float] Argh! Harvey! Have you met my friend...

Quizmaster Albert:
Invisible!

Sabrina Spellman:
My friend Suzie? Remind me to introduce you sometime! By the way, you didn't happen to see any jigsaw puzzle pieces under there, did you?

Harvey Kinkle:
No, but to tell you the truth, I was taking a nap. There's something really soothing about being under an engine. But I don't know what it is.

Quizmaster Albert:
The fumes?

Sabrina Spellman:
Sssshhhhh - sure gotta go! [Runs off, giggling]

Mrs. Chessler:
[On the phone] I don't care. I don't want Marge in my Bridge club. She's a kook. [Doorbell rings] Have you seen what she calls furniture? Ew! [Doorbell rings again] Hold on. [Opens front door]

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina and Quizmaster are at the door; he is invisible to Mrs. Chessler] Mrs. Chessler?

Mrs. Chessler:
Yes.

Sabrina Spellman:
Hi, I'm Sabrina. I'm a... friend of Libby's? And, uh, I left a book here that I came to pick up that time when... you... weren't here.

Mrs. Chessler:
Mmhm, mmhm! [Waves her in impatiently, continues talking on the phone] I don't care. I don't want Marge in my house. You're not exactly on my A-list either. Kook.

Sabrina Spellman:
I can see where Libby gets her meanness from.

Quizmaster Albert:
Exactly. And I believe that would be another piece to the puzzle. [Points at puzzle piece which has appeared, stuck on Mrs. Chessler's back]

Mrs. Chessler:
[Still on the phone] Are you gonna cry? Because I'll hang up.

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina pulls puzzle piece off Mrs. Chessler's back, she turns round] Oh, I was just reminding you that we're... I'm still here. I'll just go get that book now.

Mrs. Chessler:
[Libby's bedroom is a mess because of Sabrina and Quizmaster's frantic search] [From outside the bedroom door, knocking] Is everything okay?

Sabrina Spellman:
Oh, no, the room. [Quizmaster snaps his fingers and the room is instantaneously tidy]

Mrs. Chessler:
[Enters the room] Did you find that book?

Sabrina Spellman:
Just now. [Quizmaster zaps a book into Sabrina's hands] And here it is! [Chuckles]

Mrs. Chessler:
Good! Do you wanna stay and see Libby? You can wait in the garage.

Quizmaster Albert:
Don't do it, she'll turn on the car.

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina thinks the puzzle is complete] Oh, no, there's still a piece missing! [Looks at the hourglass] And time just ran out!

Quizmaster Albert:
Don't worry. That piece doesn't exist yet. It's Libby's compassion for others. And you have to gradually fill that space by showing compassion for Libby, even when she doesn't show it for you. In other words, learn to work together?

Sabrina Spellman:
I get it.

Quizmaster Albert:
Mmhm.

Sabrina Spellman:
And by the way, could this lesson be any more heavy handed?

Quizmaster Albert:
Well, I could've been behind a pulpit! See ya. [Disappears; the Libby puzzles turns into Libby herself]

Libby Chessler:
What... is going on? What am I doing here?

Sabrina Spellman:
Oh, you just came by to see if I needed a ride. I don't.

Libby Chessler:
I would not! I'm getting out of here.

Sabrina Spellman:
Uh, wait, Libby. Are you okay?

Libby Chessler:
I'm fine. Once again, weirdness reigns whenever Sa-freakna's around. [Leaves]

Sabrina Spellman:
Oh, yeah. Sympathy for Libby. Piece of cake!

Sabrina Spellman:
[Trying to be nice] You know, Libby, I have to admit, your side of the float is looking pretty good.

Libby Chessler:
I'm glad you're willing to state the obvious.

Sabrina Spellman:
Oh, well, I... I'm going to accept that as a compliment.

Libby Chessler:
Then you could use a dictionary!

Sabrina Spellman:
[Still trying to be nice] Libby, um, I could use some help with my cr?pe paper.

Libby Chessler:
I have a box of matches?

Sabrina Spellman:
[Knowing about Libby's love for her Grandmother] But it's just that I wanted to get done this weekend, so I could, uh, visit my Grandma.

Libby Chessler:
Oh. [pauses] Well. I would hate for part of the float to look like you did it. [Rolls eyes] Okay, I'll help.

Sabrina Spellman:
Thanks! You know, Libby, sometimes you're a real puzzle.

Libby Chessler:
No talking!

Zelda Spellman:
Sabrina, I don't think I told you this, but, in my opinion, your Democracy Daze float was the best.

Sabrina Spellman:
Thanks! It did turn out great.

Zelda Spellman:
It's going to stand as a monument to your creative talent and democratic spirit.

Sabrina Spellman:
Not really. When we got back to the school, the engine Harvey'd been working on blew up, and the whole thing burned to the ground.

Hilda Spellman:
Ever reminding us that democracy is a fragile thing.

[Hilda and Zelda just turned themselves into teenagers]

Sabrina Spellman:
Your voices don't sound teenage.

Zellary - Young Zelda:
[in her own voice] We can change that.

[Zelda works her magic]

Zellary - Young Zelda:
[teenage voice] Is this better?

Hillary - Young Hilda:
[in a deep manly voice] And how about me? Hee Hee Hee. Oops. Wrong direction

Hillary - Young Hilda:
[teenage voice] There we go.

Principal Willard Kraft:
Miss Spellman, why have you been following me around all morning?

Sabrina Spellman:
It's... your cologne Mr. Kraft, it's so great that I want to buy some for my friend Harvey.

Principal Willard Kraft:
Well, you can think about my Old Spice in detention!

Sabrina Spellman:
But what's my crime?

Principal Willard Kraft:
Smelling the Vice Principal!

Principal Willard Kraft:
[Sarcastically to Libby while under a spell] Aww, here's the world's smallest violin playing the world's saddest song just for you!

Salem Saberhagen:
[Sabrina tells Salem about her day with with a "Teenage" Mr. Kraft in charge] He played Smells like Teen Spirit with his nose?

Sabrina Spellman:
Four verses!

Zelda:
[about Willard Kraft] Why is he allowed to live?

Salem:
[comes running down the stairs as a kitten] I found the Fountain of Youth! It's the toilet!

Sabrina:
So what are you saying? That I'm not who I think I am? You're not who I think you are? And my father lives in a book?

Hilda:
[scoffs] Finally, she gets it!

Harvey Kinkle:
[sees Sabrina for the first time ever, through a glass door, both immediately smile at each other, then Mr Pool hits Harvey in the head by opening the glass door]

Mr. Eugene Pool:
Summer's over ! Come on in ! [Scene switch, pupils are now in the classroom. Writes to chalkboard] I'm Mr Pool [coughs] and I know you where hoping I was gonna spend the day mispronouncing your names, but... instead lets just jump right into biology ! The frog is a coldblooded vertebrate. As we dissect this amphibian we're looking for: the kidneys, lard, and my lost youth. [laughter] So if you'll each choose up a lab partner ? [waits, nobody moves]... or I could pair ya by height ! [they move] Thank you !

Harvey Kinkle:
[to Sabrina] Hey you want...

Libby Chessler:
[interrupts from the side] Harvey ! I'll be your lab partner !

Harvey Kinkle:
[smiles shortly at Sabrina in a I'm sorry kind of way, then moves to Libby]

Jill:
[both lean over a dead frog] Let's name him. Tad. Tad Pole.

Sabrina:
Okay.

[looks down for a moment]

Sabrina:
Hey, thanks for asking me to be your lab partner.

Jill:
I know what it's like, I was the new kid last year.

Sabrina:
So, can I ask you a question? Do you ever feel like you don't fit in?

Jill:
Only all the time, but I don't want to fit in. I researched it, and awkward people tend to be much more successful later in life. I look at Libby, I see tragedy.

Mr. Eugene Pool:
Oh! Look, girls, you... you bored your frog to death!

[hands Sabrina the knife]

Mr. Eugene Pool:
Well, slice and dice!

[walks away]

Sabrina:
[sighs] I hate doing this. If only there was some way I could bring these frogs back to life. I think his heart is somewhere around... here!

[Magic springs from her pointing finger, the frog comes back to life, starts croaking and moving]

Sabrina:
Look! Tad's alive! How'd that happen?

Jennifer 'Jenny' Kelley:
Ha! It's Frankenfrog! Hey!

[Frog jumps away]

[Sabrina squeals and goes after the frog]

Jennifer 'Jenny' Kelley:
Mr Pool! Ours is still kicking!

[Still squealing, Sabrina catches the frog]

Mr. Eugene Pool:
[Chuckles] Mike from Cadaver Shack's gonna here from me!

Libby Chessler:
[Sabrina enters the bathroom, Libby, at the mirror, turns round to face her] May we help you?

Sabrina:
I just wanted to wash my hands. You know, frog juice.

Libby Chessler:
Hmm.

[makes room]

Libby Chessler:
You know... if you stink, I'm not sure it's fair to blame the frog.

Sabrina:
Well, at least I don't splash on aftershave to remind me of some boy who dumped me last summer.

Libby Chessler:
How'd you know that?

Sabrina:
[wonders herself, turns] I... I... I don't know, my incredible sense of smell told me?

[wonders]

Libby Chessler:
Huh. Yeah, right.

Sabrina:
Well, I better get going. Smell ya later!

Libby Chessler:
Wait... Don't come in here again. From now on, you use the freaks' bathroom. [turns to face mirror again]

[Sabrina gestures at Libby, which enacts a spell and makes Libby's hand cover her face in lipstick]

Hilda Spellman:
I've got it! I remember how to turn myself into fire.

Salem Saberhagen:
If it involves dried branches and kerosene, it's not really magic.

Wicked Witch:
[Sabrina has a salad zapped in front of the witch] No! No! She's turned me into a... VEGETARIAN!

Harvey Kinkle:
[to Sabrina, when they in the Wicked Witch's pot] Y'know in her defence, the peach pie was good.

Principal Willard Kraft:
[Sabrina looks into Kraft's dream about counting peas] The Jolly Green Giant is a cruel taskmaster!

Sabrina Spellman:
Mr. Kraft is a deeply disturbed man. Cool!

Libby Chessler:
This is Massachusetts. Why are we having earthquakes?

Principal Willard Kraft:
Democrats.

Sabrina Spellman:
Hey, Libby, what are you doing here?

Libby Chessler:
Jack's been in the bathroom forever. You'd think he was a girl.

Sabrina Spellman:
Sorry, but I've seen Jack leave a while ago.

Libby Chessler:
Sprat Split? I listened to pepper for him. Doesn't he know who I am?

Sabrina Spellman:
[Sabrina walks into her bedroom dressed as "Jack"] Salem, My man!

Salem Saberhagen:
[shocked] Whoa, Adolesence is not sitting well with you!

Sabrina Spellman:
[picks up Perfume bottle] Gonna walk among the guys, see what makes you tick.

Salem Saberhagen:
Freeze! [Sabrina stops] Don't squirt that perfume unless you wanna be a boy who gets beaten up.

Sabrina Spellman:
[Puts down bottle] Man, that was close.

Salem Saberhagen:
It's not enough to look like a dude, you have to start thinkin' like a dude. Picked a name yet?

Sabrina Spellman:
Kirby?

Salem Saberhagen:
We're back to getting beaten up here.

Principal Willard Kraft:
Sabrina, if you do not put together a new team for out academic bowl, you will see my ugly side.

Sabrina:
You mean it gets uglier?

Hilda:
Oh, by the way, Zelda and I are chaperoning the school dance Friday.

Sabrina:
What? Why don't you just hang a big "Nerd Girl" sign around my neck?

Hilda:
Okay. [She points and Sabrina gets her wish]

Sabrina:
Nobody likes a house where you can't speak figuratively.

Sabrina Spellman:
[trying to solve a clue] 'M' plus fire? I've got it! Mfire!

Salem Saberhagen:
Right! Mfire! That makes so much sense. Let's use it in a sentence. [sarcastically] Run! Run! The house is on mfire.

Sabrina Spellman:
I've got a better one. You're mfired!

Salem Saberhagen:
You can't mfire me! I mquit!

Hilda Spellman:
The party's over. Sabrina's coming home.

Vesta Spellman:
You know the rules around here. Now that Sabrina's at the pleasuredome, she can do whatever she wants.

Zelda Spellman:
[Scoffs] So that's your plan!

Vesta Spellman:
Please. I don't plan. I scheme.

Boyd:
Well, look at what the magic book can do, this place looks like the Taj Mahal with indoor plummin'.

Salem Saberhagen:
Sorry folks, Graceland is closed today.

Maw Maw:
You know cat make *real* nice jerky.

[Salem sobs in fear]

Phil The Dog:
[about Sean Hexton] Let me handle it, there's a pack of rottweilers downtown who owe me.

James Hexton:
You want to have a student attacked by a pack of wild dogs?

Phil The Dog:
You make it sound so dirty...

James Hexton:
That's probably because my method of education doesn't usually involve drawing blood.