Samurai Cop

Nurse:
Do you like what you see?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
I love what I see.

Nurse:
Would you like to touch what you see?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Yes. Yes I would.

Nurse:
Would you like to go out with me?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Uh, yes I would.

Nurse:
Would you like to f*** me?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Bingo.

Nurse:
Well then let's see what you've got... [investigates his bulge] Doesn't interest me. Nothing there.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Nothing there? Just exactly what would interest you, something the size of a jumbo jet?

Nurse:
Have you been circumcised?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Yeah I have, why?

Nurse:
Your doctor must have cut a large portion off.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
No uh, he was a, he was a good doctor.

Nurse:
Good doctors make mistakes too, that's why they have insurance.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
[getting closer to her] Hey... don't worry. I got enough. It's big.

Nurse:
I want bigger. [walks away]

Fooj Fujiyama:
Officers! If you have anything against me, then book me! Otherwise, as they say, "get the hell out of my face"!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Oh I gotta lotta sh*t on you!

Yamashita:
[Regarding Joe Marshall] He got his martial arts training from the masters in Japan.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Now I'm telling these son-of-a-b*tches that we respect the Japanese of this country, who are honest businessmen. And yeah, this is the land of opportunity for legitimate business, not for death merchants who distribute drugs to our children through schools and on the streets. Now I'm telling these motherf***ers that if they continue killing our children to make their precious millions that they deposit in their secret Swiss bank accounts, counselor, before your last suit even gets off the court clerk's desk, I'll have their stinking bodies in garbage bags and ship them back to Japan for fertilizer. Got it?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
[after seeing Frank Washington crawl under a fence, whereas he had climbed over it] Why did you come under?

Frank Washington:
Because i'm an undercover cop.

Police Captain:
I feel like someone's stuck a big club up my ass. And it hurts. I gotta figure out a way to get it outta there.

Frank Washington:
What does "katana" mean?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
It means "Japanese sword".

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
[to Peggy] I may stop by, so keep it warm.

Jennifer:
How did you know i'd come home with you?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Let's just say... I can read eyes.

Yamashita:
[Earlier, talking to Fujiyama regarding Joe Marshall] He speaks fluent Japanese.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
[Later, talking to colleagues regarding Fujiyama] What's-his-name... Omaha, Yamaha, whatever-his-face's name is...

Frank Washington:
[after listening to Joe Marshall's conversation with the nurse] "Have you been circumcised"?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Shut up...!

Frank Washington:
[to the Police Captain]... what they want is results, and that's what we're gonna give them, we're gonna give them the results!

Peggy:
What happened? Are you out or in?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Baby, i'm always in.

Frank Washington:
Son of a b*tch. Killed his own men!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
I know. It's called "code of silence". He doesn't want anybody talking.

Frank Washington:
God... Man, look what they done to my car. Captain Roma's gonna burn my ass!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Yeah, he's gonna burn it... charcoal black.

Frank Washington:
[Chuckles] It is black...!

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Right on!

[Frank and Joe low-five eachother]

Cuban Waiter:
[Regarding Jennifer] Her Mother owns the place.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Where's her father?

Cuban Waiter:
[Points to his head, imitating a gun] Bang!

Frank Washington:
Killed? Who shot him?

Cuban Waiter:
He.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Who?

Cuban Waiter:
Him.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Who's "Him"?

Cuban Waiter:
Himself.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
Oh, he committed suicide.

Cuban Waiter:
Yes! [Disturbing chuckles]

Fooj Fujiyama:
I want him DEAD. I want his head cut off and brought HERE. I want his head on this piano.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
I have a neighbor next door.

Peggy:
Hey preacher?

Johnson:
Yeah?

Peggy:
You and I got nothin' to do, let's f***.

Johnson:
Shut up.

Frank Washington:
[Being threatened Yamashita's henchman as one holds a gun to his head and the other grabs his penis and holds a switchblade to it] H-h-hey, t-take it easy man. Hey what the...? C-come on... eh. T-talk to me. What? What, what do you want? What do you...?

Penis Grabbing Henchman:
I could kill you now or I can relieve you of this gift. [Looks at other henchman then motions towards Frank's penis] This black gift. In a split second you won't enjoy yourself for the rest of your life. All I want is Samurai's address. His address!

Frank Washington:
[standing next to a screen door outside Okamura's house and watching him in bed with his girlfriend] Is that him?

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
I guess so. Looks like this is his last f***.

Frank Washington:
Let him finish it then.

Joe Marshall, the samurai cop:
[c*cks his pistol] The hell I will.