Scary Godmother: Halloween Spooktakular

Hannah Marie:
[after the flashback about Hannah Marie's flashlight ends] Yeah, that was a lot like it happened.

Bert:
[frowns, annoyed] Hey I get to be in the next flashback!

Skully Pettibone:
[after explaining his job to Hannah Marie] But when it comes to Halloween night I love nothing more than to roll the bones at a good party. You are staying for the party aren't you?

Hannah Marie:
[unsure] Yes...

Skully Pettibone:
[confused] Oh... well... good.

Hannah Marie:
I don't know, Scary Godmother said that there'll be monsters at the party. And I'm scared of monsters.

Skully Pettibone:
[laughs] Oh my, you just haven't met enough good ones yet. You see Hannah, monsters are a lot like spiders: some are real nice, and some are not so nice. But all of them are creepy and crawly!

[Hannah Marie shudders and faints. Scary Godmother pulls Skully aside]

Scary Godmother:
[whispers, annoyed] Was that supposed to help?

Skully Pettibone:
Yes. Do you think it worked?

Scary Godmother:
[dryly] Yes.

[Scary Godmother's doorbell rings]

Scary Godmother:
I'll get it! How do I look?

Skully Pettibone:
Mm, frightful!

Scary Godmother:
You're too kind. [opens the door to reveal Harry the Werewolf]

Hannah Marie:
Ahh! A Monster! [hides behind a chair]

Scary Godmother:
[aside to Skully] Only to his mother. [to Hannah Marie] It's just Harry. Hi Harry, come on in.

Harry the Werewolf:
[enters the room] Thank you Scary Godmother, I don't mind if I do.

Harry the Werewolf:
[enters the party] Mm, where are those wonderful smells emanating from? The goody-plate I believe. You won't mind if I just sample the delicacies do you?

Skully Pettibone:
[hits Harry on the head with a rolled-up newspaper] No! Down boy! Last year you devastated the entire buffet before the other guests even arrived!

Harry the Werewolf:
[offended] How dare you sir! I come to the party to enjoy the company of good...

Skully Pettibone:
[holds a cookie in front of Harry, mesmerizing him] Now, sit.

[Harry reluctantly does]

Skully Pettibone:
[holds out a hand] Good boy. Shake.

[Harry shakes Skully's hand]

Skully Pettibone:
Now, roll over.

Harry the Werewolf:
[rolls his eyes] Oh please.

Skully Pettibone:
Roll over.

Harry the Werewolf:
I will not degrade myself.

Skully Pettibone:
[spins the cookie around Harry's head] Over.

[Harry falls to the ground and tries to roll over but fails due to his girth]

Skully Pettibone:
Good boy, here. [tosses Harry the cookie] Now, no more until everyone else arrives and you'll be lucky to get that.

Harry the Werewolf:
[gets up, mad] Oo and you'll be lucky if I don't bury your femur in the backyard you scoundrel!

Orson:
[Meeting Hannah Marie for the first time] Hi.

Hannah Marie:
Hi... are you a real vampire?

Orson:
Of course I'm a real vampire, are you a real human?

Hannah Marie:
Yeah, but... you're just a kid.

Orson:
So are you.

Hannah Marie:
Do you go to school?

Orson:
Sure, night school. Don't you go to school?

Hannah Marie:
I go to school... Sacred Heart.

Orson:
Mm, sounds tasty. But you go during the day.

Hannah Marie:
So?

Orson:
How can you see with all that sunlight in your eyes?

Hannah Marie:
[giggles] I can't see in the dark.

Orson:
[surprised] You can't?

Ruby:
[aside to Scary Godmother] It's his first real human.

Scary Godmother:
[smiles] Cute.

[Hannah Marie and Orson accidentally crash into Skully and Harry in the kitchen, causing Skully to toss his goody plate and Harry to start losing his balance backwards. Harry takes advantage of this by preparing to catch the goodies with his mouth, but instead he bangs into the cupboards and a bottle lands in his mouth]

Harry the Werewolf:
[after drinking the bottle's contents] Hey, I can talk again!

[Skully's skull lands on Harry's chest]

Skully Pettibone:
[sarcastically] Be still my beating rib cage.

[Count Max has hypnotized Harry into falling asleep. Harry instantly starts snoring]

Count Max:
That is better, some peace and quiet. I think.

Skully Pettibone:
Oh, I like the way you think Count Max. Can I get you a drink?

Count Max:
Thank you. Bloody Mary, hold the Mary. [laughs hollowly]

[Hannah Marie sees Bug-a-Boo for the first time and starts screaming, causing Bug-a-Boo to automatically scream back. Hannah Marie then stops to catch her breath]

Scary Godmother:
It's okay! It's okay Hannah, take a deep breath...

[Hannah Marie takes a deep breath... and goes right back to screaming]

Bug-a-Boo:
If I start scaring kids after hours I'm gonna put in for overtime.

[Hannah Marie is running away from Bug-a-Boo with fear, when she sees her Trick-Or-Treat bag]

Hannah Marie:
My flashlight! That'll save me. [Grabs her flashlight] Take that! [Shines it in Bug-a-Boo's face]

Bug-a-Boo:
[skids to a halt; sarcastically] What are you, a coal miner?

Hannah Marie:
[confused] But, my dad said...

Scary Godmother:
[covering up] Uhhh Hannah, flashlights only work on... monsters that hide in your closets, yeah, and, uh, Bug-a-Boo is a monster that hides under your bed.

Bug-a-Boo:
[to Scary Godmother] Nice cover.

[Jimmy and his friends are still waiting for Hannah Marie to leave the Spook House]

Bert:
[pretends to open the 'door' of his SUV costume] Door is ajar. Door is ajar. Door is ajar.

Jimmy:
[irritated] Will. You. Stop that!

Bert:
['closes' the 'door'] Please fasten your safety belts. ['drives' away]

Jimmy:
[impatient] Ugh, why isn't she screaming yet?

[Cuts to Hannah Marie screaming with delight as Orson flies her around the room]

[Jimmy has declared himself the leader]

Bert:
That's not fair, we didn't even get to vote!

Jimmy:
You wanna vote? Fine, we'll vote. Who wants me for leader? [raises his hand; it's the only one] Okay... who wants Bert for leader?

[Bert raises both his hands and grins enthusiastically]

Jimmy:
Daryl?

[Katie raises his hand]

Jimmy:
Katie?

Daryl:
[raises his hand] That's one vote for everyone.

Bert:
I demand a recount!

Daryl:
[counts] That's still one vote for everyone.

Bert:
Recount!

Daryl:
That's one vote for everyone.

Bert:
[laughs] Recount!

Jimmy:
[to Bert] What are you doing, nobody has changed their vote.

Bert:
[whispers] I just want to see how long he'll keep this up.

Jimmy:
[gets it] Oh... [with Bert] Recount!

Daryl:
[getting annoyed] That's one vote for everyone!

Bert:
[with Jimmy] Recount!

Katie:
[snaps] Will you two stop it?

Hannah Marie:
[looking in the fridge] See anything you wanna eat?

[Orson makes a move to bite her, but Hannah Marie sticks carrots onto his fangs]

Hannah Marie:
I mean in the fridge silly.

Orson:
[annoyed] I was just kidding.

Hannah Marie:
I know, I'm not afraid of you.

Orson:
[pulls the carrots off] You should be! Someday I'll be King of the Night!

Hannah Marie:
Someday I'll be a movie star-princess-veterinarian-astronaut-ballerina. With a pony.

Orson:
[smiles] Cool.

[Harry has eaten all the party food]

Scary Godmother:
[whistles] Broommate huddle! [Bug-a-Boo and Skully join her] Now what? The party's just starting and we're out of food.

Skully Pettibone:
[threateningly] Well I could whip up some werewolf kabobs.

[They and Bug-a-Boo glance over to Harry, who's licking a platter]

Scary Godmother:
[punches Skully's arm] Seriously!

[Harry is ordering pizza for everyone and Skully asks for extra cheese]

Bug-a-Boo:
[with Hannah Marie] Yeah! Extra cheese and olives! Yeah! [they high-five each other]

Hannah Marie:
[looks at Bug-a-boo startled] You? You eat pizza with cheese and olives?

Bug-a-Boo:
Yeah I like olives, so?

Hannah Marie:
I thought monsters ate little girls.

Bug-a-Boo:
Aw that's silly, little girls get the crust all soggy.

[Hannah Marie looks at him horrified]

Bug-a-Boo:
[laughs] Just joking kid. It's my job to scare kids, not eat 'em. If I went around eating all the clients, I'd be out of work!

[Scary Godmother has found out that the pizzas cost two-hundred dollars, which she can't afford]

Scary Godmother:
[whispers] Skully, you got any money?

Skully Pettibone:
[sarcastically] No, I left it in my other pelvis.

Scary Godmother:
[sarcastically] Oh ha-ha very funny.

Skully Pettibone:
[singing to Jimmy and his friends] You'll be ground/You'll be ate/Gonna serve you four kids on a plate!

[Jimmy and his friends applaud. Skully then offers his arm and Katie takes it... only for Skully to fall apart. Jimmy and his friends scream in terror]

Hannah Marie:
[after accidentally startling Jimmy with her flashlight] Jimmy! I'm sorry Jimmy, I didn't know how powerful it was.

Jimmy:
[annoyed] What the heck were you shining that dumb thing around for?

Daryl:
Flashback?

Bert:
Flashback.

Katie:
Hit it.

Daryl:
[pretending to be Hannah Marie's dad] Are you anxious to get outside with all the monsters pumpkin?

Hannah Marie:
[frightened] Monsters?

Katie:
[pretending to be Hannah Marie's mom] Oh, she'll be fine, she'll be with Jimmy and his friends. They're very responsible, especially that Katie. She's got a good head on her shoulders.

Daryl:
I'm just glad she's going with Daryl. He's so big and strong he can take care of any monsters.

Hannah Marie:
Monsters?

Jimmy:
[pretending to ring a doorbell] Ding-dong.

Katie:
Come on honey, we both know that Katie will look out for her.

Daryl:
I trust that Daryl, with his boyish good looks and sense of fair play.

Bert:
[facepalms] Good grief.

Jimmy:
Ding-dong.

Katie:
[in sync with Daryl] Don't worry pumpkin, Katie will protect you from the monsters.

Daryl:
[in sync with Katie] Don't worry pumpkin, Daryl will protect you from the monsters.

Hannah Marie:
[even more frightened] Monsters?

Jimmy:
[impatient/annoyed] Ding-dong ding-dong ding-dong already!

Katie:
Oh, that must be Jimmy. I'll get it.

Daryl:
[hands Hannah Marie her flashlight] Here you go honey, monsters can't stand flashlight.

Katie:
[pretends to let Jimmy in] Hello Jimmy. Oh don't you look cute?

Jimmy:
[dryly] Thanks, Happy Halloween. Hannah ready? Come on Hannah.

Katie:
Don't worry honey, if you get frightened Jimmy's promised to take care of you.

Hannah Marie:
Okay mommy, bye. Hey Jimmy wait up!

Bert:
[while waiting for Hannah Marie to leave the Spook House] Aw man, this is waiting our precious Trick-Or-Treating time.

Katie:
At least Daryl and I were smart enough to get some Trick-Or-Treating in on the way here.

Daryl:
[to Katie] You know, if you picked first then you won't need to trade with me all the time.

Katie:
I like trading with you Daryl, I never know what I want until you pick it out first.

Daryl:
[sighs] Fine.

Katie:
So... oo, I'll trade you two caramels for... three baby chocolate bars.

Daryl:
[shrugs] Okay.

Katie:
Oh and this little bag of gumdrops for this Sugar Cluster.

Daryl:
[shrugs] Okay.

Katie:
Oh and this Shoeless Joe for three kisses.

Daryl:
[shrugs] Ok- Wait, I don't have any kisses. [pause] Oh...

[Daryl and Katie lean in to kiss but Bert interrupts them by imitating static]

Bert:
[pretending to talk into a CB] Breaker breaker we've lost contact with Katie and Daryl please advise Houston, over. [imitates static again]

Jimmy:
[annoyed] Bert, nobody puts CBs in SUVs these days.

Bert:
[with disbelief] Uh, you just left your baby cousin to the mercy of killer monsters on Halloween night, and you're concerned with the additions and upgrades of my cardboard SUV?

Jimmy:
Eh, good point.

[Harry has mistaken Hannah Marie for one of his favorite actresses and starts gabbing about one of his favorite shows]

Scary Godmother:
[quickly to the audience] Here's a treat that's fun to make and helps you get a word in edgewise. Take two of your favorite crackers, spread one with jam, one with peanut butter, smoosh them together, and jam them into the mouth of a chattering werewolf. [Force-feeds Harry the treat, cutting him off] Voila! Now Harry, this is my new friend Hannah Marie. Not Ophelia St. What-Have-You who played Madame Lord High Mucky-Molasses from your favorite skullevision show.

[Harry points at his mouth protestingly, not being able to talk thanks to the 'treat'. Skully mimics him behind his back]

Scary Godmother:
Skully! Don't tease him!

[Harry looks at Skully suspiciously while Skully looks away innocently]

Count Max:
[complaining about the changing fashions] One century it is corsets and bustles and the next thing you know...

Skully Pettibone:
It's platforms and mini-skirts?

Count Max:
[snaps fingers] Exactly!

Harry the Werewolf:
[wakes up] Oh. So, as I was saying- Oo, snacks.

Count Max:
[facepalms] Doh!

Harry the Werewolf:
[tries to eat a treat, but is stopped by a glaring Skully] What? Dancing always makes me peckish.

[With the party food all gone, Scary Godmother and her broommates have decided to order pizza]

Count Max:
Pizza, huh! Back in my day we'd never thought of putting cheese and sauce and- [Ruby elbows him] Pizza is a... groovy idea. [gives two thumbs up]

Hannah Marie:
[giggles to Orson] 'Groovy'? [mimics the two thumbs up]

Orson:
[groans] I know, they're so embarrassing I could just live.

[Hannah Marie has brought up her cousin Jimmy, who told her lies about monsters]

Harry the Werewolf:
[clears his throat] While I'm sure this Jimmy-slash-monster discussion is imperative to the plot, can we get back to something that is really important? Like ordering pizza?

Scary Godmother:
[warningly] Harry, we haven't forgotten who inhaled the boo-fet.

[Everyone glares at Harry]

Harry the Werewolf:
Touche. Point well taken. [pause] Socially awkward pause... [holds up the phone] I'll phone this in.

Scary Godmother:
[uses her magic to grab Harry, who tried to make off with all the pizza] You! You have wrecked my snack table, insulted my broommates, made a mess of my house, and stuck me for twelve pizzas. Harry, sometimes you are insensitive, boorish, and you just have plain lousy table manners.

Harry the Werewolf:
[pleadingly as everyone else starts taking the pizza boxes] Oh please, I'll do anything!

Scary Godmother:
I know you will Harry. You'll help me in the pumpkin patch, you'll knit spiderwebs, clean the tombs... Oh yes, you'll probably have tonight paid off by Halloween next year. Enjoy your pizza. [lets him go with only one box of pizza left]

Harry the Werewolf:
[looks away from the pizza] It's turned to ashes in my mouth.

Skully Pettibone:
Oh, that's mine then. I had half-ashes half-green pepper. [takes the pizza away]