Second City TV

Filth's boss:
The pope's coming to town next week.

Harry Filth:
You want me to off him?

Moe Green:
[on Dialing for Dollars] [to camera] We're trying to reach Mr. Paul Pope of Melonville to see if he knows the name of tonight's movie.

Moe Green:
[sfx phone ring] Hello?

Moe Green:
Hello, is this Paul Pope?

Pope Paul:
No. This is Pope Paul.

Moe Green:
Pope Paul? [to camera] We seem to have reached the Vatican, ladies and gentlemen.

Moe Green:
[to phone] Well, hello, your Holiness, this is Moe Green on Dialing for Dollars.

Pope Paul:
Moe Green? Weren't you... hamana hamana [memory lapse]

Moe Green:
Uh, no. Your Holiness, we're trying to find someone who can tell us the name of tonight's movie.

Pope Paul:
Movie?

Moe Green:
Yes. Would you like to take a guess? If you're correct, you'll win the jackpot of SIXTEEN dollars.

Pope Paul:
Uh... hmmm... The Doberman Gang?

Moe Green:
Oooo, I'm sorry, that isn't the name of tonight's movie, so that means that our jackpot will increase to SEVENTEEN dollars.

Station Manager Harold Ramis:
This is Harold Ramis speaking for the management of Second City Television. SCTV recognizes its responsibility to the community, and condemns the excessive use of explicit sexual material in television today. We do, however, love violence, so parental discretion _is_ advised in viewing the following program. Viewers will note, however, that the attitudes and opinions reflected in this program do not reflect the views of the management of this station, the producers of this program, the writers, the actors, or indeed, anyone in the audience. So if you're thinking of suing or phoning in complaints, don't bother. This program is produced in Argentina and then dubbed into English. Besides, if you're all that sensitive, you just don't have to watch the program! I mean you've got arms, why don't you get up and change the channel? See who's on Merv Griffin, that's about your speed, isn't it? Nothing offensive about old Merv! Take your parental disc... [Ramis is pulled off the screen by a giant hook]

[repeated line]

Lola Heatherton:
I love you! I wanna bear your children!

The Lad:
I wouldn't go in there if I was you, they're giving Hungarian money today.

Floyd Robertson:
We have that special report now from Earl, we have the hookup... so come in, Earl Camembert, in New Delhi!

Earl Camembert:
[at a local deli] Thanks, Floyd. I'm here at Goldie's Delicatessen on 8th Street...

Floyd Robertson:
[interrupting] You idiot! You're supposed to be in New Delhi!

Earl Camembert:
It is a new deli, Floyd, it just opened last...

Floyd Robertson:
India! India!... Get back to the studio right now.

Earl Camembert:
Would you like me to... bring you a pastrami...

Floyd Robertson:
Get back here right now, this minute. [to audience] Sorry, ladies and gentlemen... [muttering to himself] "new deli"...