Shaun of the Dead

Shaun:
It's not that I don't wanna spend time with you, cause I do. It's just... Ed doesn't have too many friends.

Ed:
Can I get... any of you c*nts... a drink?

Shaun:
Come and get it! It's a running buffet!

Shaun:
All you can eat!

Ed:
Hey Shaun, look who it is!

Shaun:
F***-A-DOODLE-DO!

David:
I'm not staying here.

Liz:
David don't, that's suicide.

Ed:
I think you should go.

Ed:
Who died and made you f***ing king of the zombies?

Ed:
Shoot the gun!

Shaun:
For the Lat time Ed, its not...

Ed:
I f***ing knew it!

Ed:
Purple Rain.

Shaun:
No.

Ed:
Sign o' the Times.

Shaun:
Definitely not.

Ed:
The Batman soundtrack?

Shaun:
Throw it.

Shaun:
He's not my Dad, he's my stepdad!

Ed:
We're coming to get you, Barbara!

Ed:
Don't forget to kill Philip!

Pete:
It's four in the f***ing morning!

Shaun:
It's Saturday!

Pete:
No, it's not. It's f***ing Sunday. And I've got to go to f***ing work in four f***ing hours 'cos every other f***er in my f***ing department is f***ing ill! Now can you see why I'm SO F***ING ANGRY?

Ed:
F***, yeah!

Shaun:
Ohh, for God's sake! He's got an arm off!

Shaun:
Okay. But dogs CAN look up!

Shaun:
They still out there?

Ed:
Yeah. What you think we should do?

Shaun:
Have a sit down?

Pete:
I'm not saying it was you, Shaun.

Shaun:
I know, man...

Pete:
I'm saying it was Ed.

Shaun:
Phillip, have you still got the child-locks on?

Philip:
Safety first, Shaun.

Dianne:
Vacant, with a hint of sadness. Like a drunk who's lost a bet.

Ed:
Shaun, what's going on?

Shaun:
Sh*t, it's engaged!

Ed:
How about an ambulance?

Shaun:
It's engaged, Ed.

Ed:
A fire engine?

Shaun:
It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?

Ed:
Anything with flashing lights, you know?

Liz:
It's just that with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.

Shaun:
What you mean?

Liz:
Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?

Shaun:
No, I mean, what does "exacerbates' mean?

Shaun:
Who the hell put this on?

Ed:
Some random

Liz:
For f***'s sake!

David:
You still haven't met his mum?

Shaun:
Not yet!

Dianne:
Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
It's not that I don't get on with her...

David:
Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
No! I love my mum!

Ed:
I love his mum too.

Shaun:
Ed!

Ed:
She's like butter!

Shaun:
Ed!

Liz:
You left them at my place.

Shaun:
Yeah, in the bin!

Liz:
I was desperate.

Shaun:
Sneaky monkey...

Ed:
Whoa, mama!

Shaun:
Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Ed:
Chill out. Everyone's all right.

Shaun:
Stop telling me to chill out!

Ed:
Oh! Hello! Who's a pretty boy, then?

Ed:
You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those.

Shaun:
Yeah, well, it's Phillip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it. Honestly, I put off a Mars bar in the glove box once and he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood.

Ed:
F***. It's gorgeous.

Ed:
It's not hip-hop... it's Electro... prick. Next time I see him... he's dead.

David:
We're in a pub! What're we going to do now?

Ed:
Get a round in?

Shaun:
Kill the Queen!

David:
What?

Shaun:
The jukebox!

Krishnan Guru-Murthy:
Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...

Morrissey:
- Panic on the streets of London...

Jeremy Thompson:
Witnesses' reports at best are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...

Ed:
Big Al says so.

Shaun:
Yeah, but Big Al says dogs can't look up!

Barbara:
It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

Liz:
You, hang out with my friends? A failed actress and a twat?

Shaun:
Well, that's a bit harsh.

Liz:
Your words, Shaun!

Shaun:
I did NOT call Diane a failed actress!

Shaun:
Pete? Pete?

Ed:
Why can't we go up there?

Shaun:
Because A, he might be one of them, and B, he might still be annoyed.

Shaun:
Pete?

Ed:
OI, PRICK!

Shaun:

Shaun:
Excuse me... are you all right? Hello?

Ed:
Aw, come on, why can't we just go?

Shaun:
I've got to be sure of something.

Ed:
He's going to be dead either way!

Shaun:
That's not the point, Ed! Excuse me... are you all right?

Shaun:
Oh, well, thank God for that.

Ed:
Cock it!

David:
You still haven't met his mum?

Shaun:
Not yet!

Dianne:
Don't you get on with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
Yes! What...

David:
Are you ashamed of your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
No! I love my mum!

Ed:
I love his mum too

Shaun:
Ed...

Ed:
She's like butter!

David:
Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun

Shaun:
Get f***ed, four eyes! Why don't you go out with her if you love her so much?

David:
Well, I don't know what he meant by that.

Shaun:
As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no "I" in team, but there is an "I" in pie. And there's an "i" in meat pie. Meat is the anagram of team... I don't know what he's talking about.

Shaun:
If you get cornered...

Shaun:
...bash 'em in the head, that seems to work. Ow.

Shaun:
Mum, look, what would you say if I told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?

Barbara:
Well you weren't always the easiest person to live with

Shaun:
Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!

Barbara:
Well you did call him a you-know-what!

Shaun:
Oh, what, did he tell you that?

Barbara:
Yes he did.

Shaun:
Mother f***er!

Barbara:
Shaun!

Shaun:
Sorry mother!... mum!

Barbara:
My how you've grown!

Ed:
Yeah, you'd better believe it.

Liz:
Well... is it clear?

Shaun:
No.

Liz:
How many?

Shaun:
Lots.

Philip:
You didn't call the doctor, did you?

Barbara:
Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.

Philip:
I'm quite all right, Barbara, I ran it under a cold tap.

Barbara:
I really think...

Philip:
We had our jabs when we went to the Isle of Wight. It's a bunch of overblown nonsense, a bunch of drug nuts running wild.

Shaun:
I said, "Leave him alone!"

Shaun:
You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to Charlton Heston!

David:
I'm not a chartered accountant!

Shaun:
Well, you look like one!

Ed:
YEAH!

David:
I'm a lecturer.

Shaun:
You're a twat!

Ed:
YEAH!

Ed:
Do you want your messages?

Shaun:
What?

Ed:
Well, your mum rang about you going around tomorrow night, and then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight, and then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.

Shaun:
*What*?

Yvonne:
Shaun! How are you doing?

Shaun:
Surviving.

John:
Last orders, please!

Ed:
Don't you have work?

Shaun:
Would anyone like... a peanut?

Dianne:
Daffs is always taking me to see these little buildings, and I'm always dragging him to the theatre.

Ed:
I'm sorry, Shaun.

Shaun:
It's OK.

Ed:
No, I'm *sorry*, Shaun.

Shaun:
What?

Shaun:
Oh, God, that's rotten!

Ed:
I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing!

Shaun:
I'm not laughing!

Shaun:
I do not find it hard to keep my social life and my work life separate.

Ed:
 Any zombies out there?

Shaun:
 Don't say that!

Ed:
 What?

Shaun:
 That!

Ed:
 What?

Shaun:
 The zed-word. Don't say it!

Ed:
 Why not?

Shaun:
 Because it's ridiculous!

[Opening lines; Shaun and Liz are sitting in the pub, drinking.]

Liz:
Shaun – d'you see what I'm saying?

Shaun:
Yeah, totally.

Liz:
I mean, I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.

Shaun:
I know...

Liz:
It's not that I don't like Ed. Ed, it's not that I don't like you.

[Cut to reveal that Ed is actually standing next to them, playing the pub's "Ooh Ah Dracula" fruit machine]

Ed:
It's alright.

Liz:
It’d just be nice if we could-

Ed:
[playing game in background.] F***!

Liz:
– spend a bit of time together –

Ed:
Bollocks!

Liz:
– just you and me.

Ed:
Cock it!

Liz:
Shaun, what I'm trying to say is, I need something a little more, rather than spending every night in the Winchester. I wanna get out there and do more interesting stuff, I wanna live a little, and I want you to want to want to do it too! [Groans] Listen to me, I'm beginning to sound like your mum – not that I know what she sounds like.

David:
You still haven't met his mum?!

Shaun:
[To David] Not yet!

Dianne:
Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
No, it's not that I don't get on with her-

David:
Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?

Shaun:
No! I love my mum!

Ed:
Yeah, I love his mum.

Shaun:
Ed.

Ed:
(sing song tone) She's like butttahhh!...

Shaun:
Ed!

David & Di:
Shaun!

Shaun:
[To David & Di] Guys-

Liz:
Shaun.

Shaun:
Liz! Look, I understand what you're trying to say, OK, and I agree. We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow, alright? I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish? Just the two of us. Things will change, promise.

Liz:
[Nodding] Really, Shaun?

[Shaun nods and sips his beer.]

Liz:
Shaun?

Shaun:
[About Ed.] Well, I've known him since primary school. I like having him around, he's a laugh.

Pete:
What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? F***-a-doodle-doo.

[Shaun is trying to make up with Liz.]

Shaun:
Let's go out somewhere.

Liz:
What, to the Winchester?

Shaun:
[Laughs, then] Do you want to?

Liz:
No, I don't f***ing want to!!

Liz:
You promised you'd quit smoking when I did!

Shaun:
Well...

Liz:
You promised you'd start going to the gym!

Shaun:
I...

Liz:
You promised you'd try red wine instead of beer!

Shaun:
Eh...

Liz:
You promised we'd go on holiday together!

Shaun:
Well, we went to Greece, didn't we?

Liz:
We met in Greece!

David:
At a rave.

Liz:
You promised things would change.

Diane:
You promised you'd get us free cable.

Shaun:
I'm working on that!

Diane:
Okay.

[Zombie bangs on the door of "The Winchester."]

John (bartender):
Sorry, we're closed.

[Zombie moans.]

Ed:
Pisshead.

Shaun & Ed:
[drunk, singing.] Doo doo doo doo. Base. White Lines, Visions dreams of passion, goin' thru my mind, and all the while I think of you!

[Shaun & Ed see two people holding each other with the woman vigourously 'kissing' the man.]

Ed:
What's wrong haven't you had your tea?

[Ed & Shaun laugh.]

[The man in the backgound's neck goes limp as the woman eats his neck.]

Shaun & Ed:
[resume singing.] Something of a phenomenon baby, telling my body to come along. White Lines, Blow away! Shhh!

[Shaun body slams Ed.]

Shaun & Ed:
Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher baby, Ah, get higher girl! Ahh!

Zombie:
[groans loudly.]

Shaun & Ed:
[scoffs] Daba daba daba daba daba!

Zombie:
[groans]

Shaun & Ed:
Daba daba daba daba daba!

Zombie:
[groans softer]

Shaun:
What's he doing? He should say bass.

Ed:
Or freeze.

Shaun & Ed:
What a tit.

[Pete storms in and snatches album off of vinyl player]

Shaun:
Don't scratch it! Wha- [Pete throws album out the window] That was the second album I ever bought!

Pete:
It's four in the f***ing morning!

Shaun:
It's Saturday!

Pete:
No, it's not. It's f***ing Sunday, and I've got to go to f***ing work in four f***ing hours 'cos every other f***er in my f***ing department is f***ing ill! NOW CAN YOU SEE WHY I'M SO F***ING ANGRY?!

Ed:
F***, yeah!

Shaun:
Woah, woah, Pete, look...all right, we had a couple of drinks...we split up with Liz tonight.

Pete:
...All right, just keep it down a bit.

Shaun:
Sure. [Pete turns to leave]

Ed:
[mutters] Prick. [Pete stops]

Pete:
What was that?

Ed:
Nothing. [Pete goes to swing at Ed; Shaun attempts to stop him]

Shaun:
Whoa, we're all friends here–

Pete:
He's not my friend, he's a f***in' idiot!

Ed:
What's that supposed to mean?

Pete:
It means, why don't you F*** OFF!?! You wanna live like an animal, go live in the shed, you thick f***!

Shaun:
Oh, f*** you!

Pete:
Stop defending him, Shaun! All he ever does is hold you back! Or does it make your life easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you are?

Shaun:
[Hurt] What's that supposed to mean?

Pete:
You know what I mean. I assume it was Liz that did the dumping. [pause, pointing at Shaun with a bandaged hand] Sort your f***ing life out, mate!

Ed:
Whassup with you hand, man?

Pete:
[distracted] I got mugged on the way home from work.

Ed:
[amused] By who?

Pete:
[with growing irritation] I dunno, some crackheads or something. One of 'em bit me.

Ed:
[feigning disbelief] Why did they bite you?

Pete:
[angrily] I DON'T KNOW, I DIDN'T STOP TO ASK THEM!! [pause, clutching sinuses] Look, I've got a splitting headache, and your stupid hip-hop isn't helping. [he heads for the stairs, stopping at the front entryway] And the front door is open, AGAIN! [slams front door shut]

Ed:
[Sulkily] It's not hip-hop, it's electro. Prick. Next time I see him, he's dead.

[Shaun is channel hopping; Channel 4 News]

Krishnan Guru-Murthy:
Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgement Day. There's...

[VH1, playing "Panic" by The Smiths]

Morrissey:
– Panic on the streets of London...

[ITV News]

Newsreader:
– as an increasing number of reports of...

[Football]

Commentator:
– serious attacks on...

[Five News]

Newsreader:
– people, who are literally being...

[Nature documentary, leopards eating a gazelle]

David Attenborough:
– eaten alive.

[Sky News]

Jeremy Thompson:
Witnesses' reports at best are sketchy, but one unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances appear to be...

[T4]

Vernon Kaye:
– dead excited to have with us here a sensational chart topping...

Ed:
What's going on, Shaun?

Shaun:
[on the phone trying to reach emergency services without any luck] Sh*t. It's engaged.

Ed:
How about an ambulance?

Shaun:
It's engaged, Ed.

Ed:
[after a pause] Fire engine?

Shaun:
[exasperated] It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What'd you want a fire engine for, anyway?

Ed:
Anything with flashing lights, you know?

Shaun:
They still out there?

[Ed pulls back the curtains, revealing two zombies scratching at the window]

Ed:
[shuts curtains, steps away contemplatively] Yeah. What you think we should do?

Shaun:
Have a sit down?

[Shaun and Ed attempt to confront two zombies using Sean's vinyl LPs as improvised throwing weapons]

Shaun:
Now, some of these are limited-

[Ed throws the first record from the box, which misses and shatters on the wall of the house]

Shaun:
Woah woah woah, what was that!?

Ed:
I think it was Blue Monday.

Shaun:
Man, that was an original pressing!

Ed:
For f***'s sake.

[Looking through Shaun's LP collection for suitable records to throw at two approaching zombies]

Ed:
Purple Rain?

Shaun:
No.

Ed:
Sign o' the Times?

Shaun:
Definitely not.

Ed:
The Batman soundtrack?

Shaun:
Throw it.

[Ed does so; it misses]

Ed:
Okay... Ooh, Dire Straits?

Shaun:
Throw it.

[Ed throws it – clipping Mary in the side of the head]

Ed:
The Stone Roses?

Shaun:
No.

Ed:
Second Coming?

Shaun:
I like it.

Ed:
Ah! Sade.

Shaun:
That's Liz's.

Ed:
Yeah, but she did dump you. [Throws it]

Shaun:
F*** this. I'm going to the shed.

Ed:
I thought you said it was locked.

Shaun:
[Crashes through the shed door]

Shaun:
[calling up staircase] Pete? Pete?

Ed:
Why can't we go up there?

Shaun:
Because A) he might be one of them, and B) he might still be annoyed. [to stairs] Pete? Peeete? [to Ed] Maybe he already left for work?

Ed:
[looks at the key rack on the wall] Well, then why didn't he drive? [grabs Pete's car keys] His keys are still here.

Shaun:
Well, maybe he got a ride. He said he wasn't feeling well. [to stairs] Pete?

Ed:
[loudly] OI, PRICK!

[There is a pause]

Both:
He's not in.

Ed:
What's the plan then?

Shaun:
Right. We take Pete's car, we drive over to mum's, we go in, take care of Phillip ["I'm so sorry, Phillip."], then we grab mum, we go over to Liz's place, hole up, have a nice cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.

Ed:
Why have we got to go to Liz's?

Shaun:
Because we do.

Ed:
But she dumped you!

Shaun:
I have to know if she's all right!

Ed:
Why?

Shaun:
Because I love her!

Ed':
All right...gay. I'm not staying there, though.

Shaun:
Why not?

Ed:
If we hole up, I wanna be somewhere familiar, I wanna know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.

Shaun:
Okay. Take Pete's car, go around mum's, go in, deal with Phillip ["Sorry Phillip!"], grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a nice cup of tea and wait for all this to blow over.

Ed:
Perfect!

Shaun:
No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring her back here.

Ed:
Why not?

Shaun:
Well, it's not really safe, is it?

Ed:
Yeah, look at the state of it.

Shaun:
Where's safe? where's familiar?

Ed:
Where can I smoke?

Shaun:
Take car. Go to mum's. Kill Phil ["Sorry!"], grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over. How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Ed:
Yeah, boyyyeee!

Ed:
Any zombies out there?

Shaun:
Don't say that!

Ed:
What?

Shaun:
That!

Ed:
What?

Shaun:
That!! The "z" word. Don't say it!

Ed:
Why not?

Shaun:
Because it's ridiculous!

Ed:
Alright... are there any, though?

Shaun:
[looking out the door mail slot, sees an empty street] I don't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that. [turns his head, sees a pack of zombies] Oh, no, wait, there they are.

Shaun:
[About Ed] He's not my boyfriend!

Ed:
[Handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

Shaun:
Thanks babe. [winks]

Barbara:
Hello, Ed!

Ed:
[sweetly] Hi, Barbara!

Barbara:
My how you've grown!

Ed:
[mumbles] Yeah, you'd better believe it.

Phillip:
[referring to Ed's cassette tape blasting in the car] Can you please turn that noise down?

Barbara:
Are you alright, dear? Would you like another tissue?

Phillip:
I'd be fine if it weren't for that bloody racket!

Shaun:
[Response to David.] GET F***ED, FOUR-EYES!!!

Shaun:
[repeated line, about his copy of Man Parrish's "Hip Hop Be-Bop"] That was the second album I ever bought!

Shaun:
How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Shaun:
[coming across zombified Pete] Ah! Sorry, Pete, sorry... listen, we're gonna borrow your car, okay, hope you don't mind and – ah – later on, if you're feeling better, w-we're going down to the pub, so you're m-more than welcome to, to... [whispered] join us.(A reference to The Evil Dead).

Shaun:
What's the matter, David? Never taken a shortcut before? (This line would be repeated in Hot Fuzz)

Shaun:
"(after Ed gives him a beer) Thanks Babe."

Shaun:
[As zombified Pete is biting Ed] PETE! I SAID, LEAVE HIM ALONE! [Shoots and kills zombified Pete.]

Shaun:
[When about to attack a zombified John] Okay, John, It's time at the bar!

Shaun:
[Ed points out that Pete is in the bar."] F***-a-doodle-doo!

Shaun:
[When Ed says he's sorry and Shaun smells his farts] Oh my god, that is rotten!

Ed:
[to David when he complains about the window] You were the one who broke it you twat!

Ed:
Wa'ssup, niggas?

Ed:
Yeeaah, boy!

Ed:
[Indicates Hand movement of sex] "Café au lait" [Moans and points at Shaun] "Pour Vous"

Ed:
[repeated line.] Two seconds.

Ed:
WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBARA! (reference to Night of the Living Dead)

Ed:
Can I get any of you c*nts a drink?

Ed:
Oi! Prick!

Ed:
You believe everything you hear on TV?

Ed:
Watch the leather (reference to Dazed and Confused)

Ed:
Cornetto.

Ed:
Who the bloody hell put this on?

Ed:
There's a girl in the garden

Liz:
If I don't do something, I'm going to end up going into that pub every night for the rest of my life like the rest of those sad old f***ers, drinking myself to death and wondering what the hell happened.

Liz:
PLEASE, CAN WE JUST CALM... THE f***... DOWN!

Liz:
I understand what David is trying to say, even if he is being a Twat!

Diane:
[Repeated line] SHAUUUUN!

David:
For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite!

David:
I'm not the one being unreasonable, pickle!

Phillip:
[On his zombie bite.] I'm perfectly alright, Barbara. I ran it under a cold tap.

Various:
[to Shaun, repeated line.] You've got red on you.

Pete:
[To Shaun] Sort your f***ing life out, mate!

Pete:
And the front door is open... again!

Pete:
Well, f***-a-doodle-doo!

Pete:
It's four in the "f***ing morning"!

Trisha Goddard:
[re: a guest who still loves her undead husband.] You go to bed with it?!

Radio Newscaster:
The Church of England has joined other extremist religious groups in proclaiming the phenomenon 'a sign of the coming apocalypse', although Downing Street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.

Jeremy Thompson:
[During emergency news broadcast] In extreme circumstances, the assailants can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain. I will repeat that: by removing the head or destroying the brain.

Jeremy Thompson:
[On 'six months on' special] It's just not something you ever expect to have to say on air: "removing the head or destroying the brain". Extraordinary.

Television Newscaster:
Reports that the infection was spread by rage-infected monkeys have now been dismissed as bull-