Shrek

Shrek:
This is the part where you run away.

Pinocchio:
I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.

Captain of Guards:
Five schillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.

Donkey:
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha.

Donkey:
Wow, that was really scary and if you don't mind me saying, if that don't work, your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something 'cause your breath STINKS.

Donkey:
And then one time I ate some rotten berries. Man there were some strong gases eeking outta my butt that day.

Shrek:
Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends.

The Donkey:
Wow, only a true friend would be that truely honest.

Donkey:
Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?

Shrek:
That would be my home.

Donkey:
Oh and it is LOVELY. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.

Shrek:
Oh no no no, dead broad OFF THE TABLE!

Shrek:
What?

Donkey:
You, uh... you don't entertain much, do you?

Shrek:
I like my privacy.

Donkey:
Y'know, me too. That's another thing we have in common. I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...

Donkey:
... Can I stay with you?

Donkey:
Can I stay with you? Please?

Shrek:
Of course.

Donkey:
Really?

Shrek:
NO.

Donkey:
Please. I don't wanna go back there. You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak... Well, maybe you do, but that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay!

Donkey:
This'll be fun. We'll stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning... I'm making waffles.

Shrek:
Oh, no no no no. Dead broad OFF the table...

Little Pig:
He hooffed unt he poooffed unt he... signed an eviction notice.

Lord Farquaad:
Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man.

Gingerbread Man:
You're a monster.

Lord Farquaad:
Tell me where are the others.

Gingerbread Man:
Eat me.

Gingerbread Man:
All right. Do you know... the muffin man?

Lord Farquaad:
The muffin man?

Gingerbread Man:
The muffin man.

Lord Farquaad:
Yes, I know the muffin man. Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingerbread Man:
She's married to the muffin man...

Lord Farquaad:
The muffin man?

Gingerbread Man:
THE MUFFIN MAN.

Lord Farquaad:
She's married to the muffin man.

Magic Mirror:
Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

Shrek:
Do you think he's maybe compensating for something?

Donkey:
Wow. Let's do that again.

Donkey:
I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'.

Shrek:
All right, you're going the right way for a smack bottom.

Lord Farquaad:
Some of you may die, but its a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

Lord Farquaad:
What is that? Ugh! It's hideous!

Shrek:
Oh, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey.

Shrek:
Thank you, thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal.

Donkey:
Okay, let me get this straight: you gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad'll give you back your swamp, which you only don't have 'cos he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that about right?

Shrek:
Ogres are like onions.

Donkey:
They stink?

Shrek:
Yes. No.

Donkey:
Oh, they make you cry.

Shrek:
No.

Donkey:
Oh, you leave em out in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

Shrek:
NO. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers. Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers.

Donkey:
Oh, you both have layers. Oh. You know, not everybody like onions.

Donkey:
Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.

Shrek:
Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. That's brimstone... we must be getting close

Donkey:
Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone and it didn't come off no stone neither.

Shrek:
Sure it's big enough... but look at the location.

Shrek:
You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?

Donkey:
No, I'm just uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge, over a BOILING LAKE OF LAVA.

Donkey:
I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt, too.

Donkey:
Don't look down, don't look down, don't look down. Keep on moving, don't look down...

Donkey:
Shrek, I'm looking down.

Shrek:
That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.

Donkey:
So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?

Shrek:
In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.

Donkey:
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

Shrek:
Donkey, two things okay? Shut... up.

Shrek:
Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.

Donkey:
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.

Shrek:
The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.

Donkey:
How do you know that?

Shrek:
I read it in a book once.

Donkey:
Don't mess wit' me. I'm the Stair Master. I've Mastered the Stairs. I wish I had a step right here, I could step here and here and here and step all over it.

Donkey:
Oh, what large teeth you have. I mean white sparkly teeth, I know you probably hear this all the time from your food but you must bleach or something, 'cause that's one dazzling smile you got there and do I detect a hint of minty freshness?

Donkey:
Why of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty... hey, what's the matter wit you, you got somethin' in your eye?

Princess Fiona:
What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

Shrek:
You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?

Princess Fiona:
You didn't slay the dragon?

Shrek:
It's on my "to do" list. Now come on.

Princess Fiona:
But this isn't right. You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying-that's what all the other knights did.

Shrek:
Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

Princess Fiona:
What kind of a knight are you?

Shrek:
One of a kind.

Donkey:
Hi, princess.

Princess Fiona:
It talks.

Shrek:
Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick.

The Donkey:
All right, I hope you heard that? She called me a "noble steed." She thinks I'm a steed.

Princess Fiona:
The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight.

Shrek:
Uh, no.

Princess Fiona:
Why not?

Shrek:
I have helmet hair.

Princess Fiona:
Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer.

Shrek:
Oh, no, you wouldn't... tst.

Princess Fiona:
But... how will you kiss me?

Shrek:
What? That wasn't in the job description.

The Donkey:
Maybe it's a perk.

Donkey:
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now.

The Donkey:
So, uh, are there any donkeys up there?

Shrek:
Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying.

The Donkey:
Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there?

Shrek:
That's the moon.

The Donkey:
Oh, okay.

Shrek:
Hold the phone.

Princess Fiona:
Well, when one lives alone, one has to learns these things in case there's...

Princess Fiona:
THERE'S AN ARROW IN YOUR BUTT.

Shrek:
What?

Shrek:
Oh, would you look at that.

Donkey:
Don't die, Shrek. And if you see any long tunnels, stay away from the light.

Donkey:
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't COLOR-BLIND.

The Donkey:
Oh man. I can't feel my toes.

The Donkey:
I don't have any toes.

The Donkey:
I think I need a hug.

Princess Fiona:
By night one way, by day another / This shall be the norm / Until you find true love's first kiss / Then... take love's true form.

The Donkey:
C'mon, princess, you're not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you're only like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

The Donkey:
Stop it, nobody likes a kiss-ass.

Donkey:
You love this woman don't ya?

Shrek:
Yes.

Donkey:
Do you wanna hold her?

Shrek:
Yes.

Donkey:
Please her?

Shrek:
Yes.

Donkey:
Then ya gotta gotta try a little TENDERNESS! Chicks dig that romantic crap.

Princess Fiona:
I wanted to show you before.

Shrek:
Well, er, *that* explains a lot.

Lord Farquaad:
Now really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding?

Donkey:
Aright, nobody move. I've got a dragon and I'm not afraid to use it.

Donkey:
I'm a donkey on the edge.

Donkey:
Huh, celebrity marriages. They never last, do they?

Shrek:
Fiona? Are you all right?

Princess Fiona:
Yes. But, I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful.

Shrek:
But you are beautiful.

Gingerbread Man:
God bless us, everyone.

Shrek:
Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love, and true love's first kiss.

Shrek:
Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of...

Princess Fiona:
Wait. Where are you going? The exit’s over there.

Shrek:
Well, I have to save my ass.

Princess Fiona:
What kind of knight are you?

Shrek:
One of a kind.

Shrek:
Does anyone know where this Farquaad guy is?

Donkey:
Oh, I know. I know where he is.

Shrek:
Does anyone else know where to find him?

Donkey:
Pick me! Pick me! Me! Me!

Donkey:
Where there is a will there is a way, and I have a way.

Donkey:
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "No, I don't like no parfait"?

Donkey:
You're so wrapped up in layers onion boy, your afraid of your own feelings.

Shrek:
Go away

Donkey:
There you are doing it again, just like you did to Fiona, all she ever did was like you maybe even love you.

Shrek:
If I treat you so badly, then why are you still here?

Donkey:
Because that's what friends do, they FORGIVE EACH OTHER.

Donkey:
Parfait's gotta be the tastiest thing on the whole damn planet.

Shrek:
Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes... Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Gingerbread Man:
NOT MY BUTTONS. Not my gum-drop buttons.

Shrek:
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?

Donkey:
Uh… Really tall?

Shrek:
No! I'm an ogre! You know, “Grab your torch and pitchforks!” Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey:
Nope.

Shrek:
(surprised) Really?

Donkey:
Really, Really.

Shrek:
Oh.

Donkey:
Man I like you. What's your name?

Shrek:
Uh… Shrek.

Donkey:
Well so much for noble steed.

Shrek:
Hey, I'm nobody's messenger boy, all right? I'm a delivery boy.

Shrek:
Ow!

The Donkey:
Wait a minute, I know what's going on. You're afraid of the dark.

Princess Fiona:
Why... yes!

The Donkey:
Don't worry, princess. I used to be afraid of the dark until... No, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark.

Donkey:
You know what, Shrek? I think this whole wall thing is to keep somebody out.

Shrek:
No! You think?

Donkey:
Who are you trying to keep away?

Shrek:
Let it go, Donkey.

Donkey:
Oh, this is one of those onion things, isn't it?

Shrek:
No, it's one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone things.

Donkey:
Why won't you talk about it?

Shrek:
Why do you want to talk about it?

Donkey:
Then why are you blocking?

Shrek:
I'm not blocking.

Donkey:
Oh, yes you are.

Shrek:
Donkey, I'm warning you.

Donkey:
Just who are you trying to keep away? Just tell me that, Shrek?

Shrek:
Everyone! All right?

Donkey:
Oh, now we're getting soemwhere.

Donkey:
Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

Shrek:
What are you doing in my swamp?

Princess Fiona:
What of my bride to be?

Shrek:
Well, let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in *short* supply.

Donkey:
Though, there are those who think *little* of him.

[Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to enter his swamp]

First villager:
Think it's in there? All right, LET'S GET IT!

Second villager:
Whoa, Hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you?

Third villager:
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!

Shrek:
[laughs, exposing himself] Yes. Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres… oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.

Third villager:
[waves his torch in front of Shrek] Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match] [he smiles nervously] Right.

[silence]

Shrek:
[roars ferociously] [he waits until the villagers have stopped screaming] [whispers] This is the part where you run away. [the villagers gasp and do so] [laughs] And stay out! [looks down at a sign] “Wanted: Fairy tale creatures.” [sighs]

Old Lady:
[moves Donkey's lips] I can talk. I love to talk! I'm the talkin'est damn thing you ever saw.

Captain:
[annoyed] Get her outta my sight.

Shrek:
[to Donkey] WHY...are you following me?

Donkey:
I'll tell you why. [sings]

'Cause I'm all alone.

There's no one here beside me.

My problems have all gone.

There's no one to deride me!

But ya gotta have friends!

Shrek:
Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.

Donkey:
Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.

Shrek:
Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me, what am I?

Donkey:
Uh... [looks Shrek up and down] Really tall?

Shrek:
No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?

Donkey:
[shakes his head happily] Nope.

Shrek:
[surprised] Really?

Donkey:
Really really.

Donkey:
[eyes the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home] I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?

Shrek:
I like my privacy.

Donkey:
Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?

Shrek:
Uh, What?

Donkey:
Can I stay with you... please?

Shrek:
Of course!

Donkey:
Really?

Shrek:
No.

Donkey:
Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! Please, please!

Shrek:
Okay! Okay. But one night only.

Donkey:
This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', I'm makin' waffles!

Shrek:
Ohh!

Donkey:
Where do, uh, I sleep?

Shrek:
OUTSIDE!

Lord Farquaad:
[sees Thelonius dunking the gingerbread man in milk] That's enough! He's ready to talk. [puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower] Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!

Gingy:
You're a monster.

Lord Farquaad:
I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

Gingy:
Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]

Lord Farquaad:
[grunts] I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! Tell me, or I'll--

[he reaches to pull off one of Gingy's buttons]

Gingy:
No! Not the buttons! Not the gumdrop buttons!

Lord Farquaad:
All right, then, who's hiding them?!

Gingy:
Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

Lord Farquaad:
The muffin man?

Gingy:
The muffin man.

Lord Farquaad:
Yes. I know the muffin man. Who-- Who lives on Drury Lane?

Gingy:
Well, she's married to the muffin man.

Lord Farquaad:
The muffin man?!

Gingy:
THE MUFFIN MAN!

Lord Farquaad:
She's married to the muffin man.

fricking sucks this movie sucks number 2 3 and 4 is a good movie to watch

I like that boulder. That’s a nice boulder. -Donkey

Shrek:
WHAT AM I?! Donkey: uhhhhhhh really tall?