Silicon Valley

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Hey! Sorry if I scared you, I know I have somewhat ghost-like features. My uncle used to say, "You look like someone starved a virgin to death."

[Repeated line]

Gavin Belson:
F***!

Waiter:
Are you still enjoying your asparagus, sir?

Peter Gregory:
I was never enjoying it. I only eat it for the nutrients. You may take it.

Gavin Belson:
Do you really want to live in a world where someone *else* is making it a better place?

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Pornography accounts for 37% of all Internet traffic.

Erlich Bachman:
38% when I'm on.

Richard:
We love the name Pied Piper. It's a classic fairy tale.

Jared:
Well, I looked it up. It's about a predatory flautist who murders children in a cave.

Gilfoyle:
It has all that going for it, Richard, and I still hate it.

Dinesh:
That's not really our logo, is it? It looks like a guy sucking a dick, and he's got another dick tucked behind his ear for later. Like a snack dick.

Richard:
What they have is like Pied Piper, but not as good. People will see that.

Dinesh:
Not if they get to market before us. Inferior products win out all the time.

Gilfoyle:
Like Jesus, over Satan.

Dinesh:
I was going to say VHS over Beta.

Dinesh:
You're Canadian?

Gilfoyle:
Your borders are merely a construct. I prefer to think of myself as a citizen of the world.

Gavin Belson:
The greatness of human accomplishment has always been measured by size. The bigger, the better. Until now. Nanotech. Smart cars. Small is the new big. In the coming months, Hooli will deliver Nucleus, the most sophisticated compression software platform the world has ever seen. Because if we can make your audio and video files smaller, we can make cancer smaller. And hunger. And AIDS.

Richard:
Richard, take Aviato. That's not a name I found, it's a name that found me on a vision quest. Something that you should do.

Richard:
No, no. I'm not gonna eat a bunch of drugs and sit out in the desert, and hope some name randomly pops in my head.

Erlich Bachman:
Well, then I question your leadership.

Jared:
Richard, if we are going to change the name, we need to do it now. Names stick. My name's only Jared because Gavin called me that on my first day. My real name is Donald.

Dinesh:
Hey, Jared, you know who else is Canadian? Justin Bieber, the Hitler of music.

Gilfoyle:
Do you have a problem with me being Canadian?

Dinesh:
I do, actually. Do you have any idea how long it took me to become a citizen?

Gilfoyle:
Did it take you a long time? I'm glad I didn't do it then.

Dinesh:
Typical lazy immigrant. These people think they can just walk into this country

Gilfoyle:
did just walk into this country. My car broke down on the ambassador bridge. It took me an extra 15 minutes to get across the border. Major hassle.

Jared:
...You know, Hitler actually played the bassoon. So, technically, Hitler was the Hitler of music.

Jared:
[Trying to come up with a new company name] All right, what about Smaller, spelled "S-M-L-L-R"? You know, because we make things smaller, and this would be like a smaller version of the word "smaller".

Gilfoyle:
It looks like "Smeller".

Jared:
Ok. What if we spell it "S-M-L-R"? Because that's an even smaller version of the word smaller.

Dinesh:
Then it looks like "Smiler".

Gilfoyle:
We're not gonna kick the sh*t out of "Nucleus" with "Smiler.

Erlich Bachman:
Where's Richard? Why isn't he in here for this?

Dinesh:
I think he was out back, wishing he'd taken the ten million dollars.

Gilfoyle:
No, I just saw him in his room, wishing he had taken the ten million dollars.

Richard:
[On the phone] Hello, Mr. Garris. Yes, this is Richard from the company that is rightly called Pied Piper. That's right. No, no, no. You listen to me. Ok. We had a handshake deal. And that may not mean a lot to you, but where I come from, that means a whole lot. Ok, you agreed to sell me that name for a thousand dollars. So let me ask you this? Are you an honest man or are you a goddamn liar? OK. Yes, same address? Good, yeah, great. See you then. [Hangs up]

Dinesh:
Dude, that was f***ing badass. What did he say?

Richard:
He said he was gonna get in his truck, drive down here and beat the living sh*t out of me.

Dinesh:
Why did you say that was your address? Say any other address!

Richard:
I don't know. He's got a very powerful voice...

Richard Hendricks:
This is a good buy-out. It's way better than what Gavin offered before. And our packages include nice salaries, cash earn-outs, stock in Hooli, which vests after only four years of working there. I mean, this seems like a pretty good deal, right?

Dinesh Chugtai:
Hooli? You really think we'd go work for Hooli? What the f*** is wrong with you, Richard?

Richard Hendricks:
What other options do we have? We need serious funding to go up against Nucleus, and we don't have that. So, listen...

Bertram Gilfoyle:
- I will listen to the sound of you chortling on my balls.

Richard Hendricks:
Richard, I'm an independent businessman. Emphasis on "independent". And "business". And "man", come to think of it. Count me out.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Actually, you're not being offered employment at Hooli. They give you a full buy-out.

Erlich Bachman:
[Suddenly interested] How big?

Erlich Bachman:
Gentlemen, what's the update on the apps? Or the "app-date," if you will?

Bertram Gilfoyle:
I will not.

Dinesh Chugtai:
Here's my app-date I was excited to work on it, and then I looked at it with fresh eyes. Um, Wajeed was right. It's really shitty. I don't know what the f*** I was thinking.

Erlich Bachman:
But I bought your pitch.

Dinesh Chugtai:
Yeah, you f***ed up, too.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
It's a pretty good deal, all things considered, and Richard, I'd understand if you took it.

Richard Hendricks:
Thank you, Jared.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
But Hooli was like an abusive spouse to me. You know, like that guy who married Julia Roberts in "Sleeping With The Enemy"? It was dehumanizing. But then, you, Richard, you pulled me out of the life and you gave me hope and you gave me a sense of self-worth. Like Richard Gere did to Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman". Every day here has been like that shopping-spree scene. I'm putting on hats.

Gavin Belson:
[On a talk show] I counsel any young founder today to pursue your dream not for profit or valuation or material wealth, but for the good of humanity.

Kara:
Which is easy for you to say, being a billionaire.

Gavin Belson:
don't care for your tone, Kara. I'm getting a little tired of this bias against the leaders of our industry. I'm continually creating jobs and helping people, and I'm tired of getting slapped for it. I didn't steal the money I have, and I resent being treated like I did. You know, there is a climate in this country that is very dangerous.

Kara:
It's dangerous out there for billionaires?

Gavin Belson:
There's that attitude again, Kara. Billionaires are people, too. We are leaders in technology, in industry, in finance. Look at history. Do you know who else vilified a tiny minority of financiers and progressive thinkers called the Jews?

Kara:
Wait a minute. Did you just compare the treatment of billionaires in America today to the plight of the Jews in Nazi Germany?

Gavin Belson:
Absolutely. One could argue that billionaires are actually treated worse. And we didn't even do anything wrong. We're an even smaller minority. There's a lot more of them.

Gavin Belson:
Everyone on Twitter is saying I'm an anti-Semite. You were there.

Spiritual Advisor:
I was. And what I saw was an anti anti-Semite.

Russ Hanneman:
It's not about how much you earn. It's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most? Companies that lose money. Pintrest, Snapchat, no revenue. Amazon has lost money for every f***ing quarter for the last 20 f***ing years and that Jeff Bezos is the king.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
It's a classic document dump. But what they didn't take into account is the power of us. So grab a box, guys. Start pulling anything you think is relevant. And you may have to work pretty hard, but it will free us from this lawsuit.

Bertram Gilfoyle:
Are you saying, "work will set you free"?

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Yes. They have the manpower. We have the perseverance. Triumph of the will. [Leaves]

Dinesh Chugtai:
He's the most cheerful person I've ever heard quote Hitler.

Richard:
F*** Erlich. I turned down 10 million dollars to build this thing. You want vision? I will show you f***ing vision!

Jared:
I like this new angry side of you. Being around angry people relaxes me because I know where I stand.

Erlich:
Is that you and Gavin Belson?

Peter Gregory:
Yes, that's an old photograph.

Richard:
Were you guys friends?

Peter Gregory:
I thought so. Good-bye.

Blaine:
[reading off notes on the wall] "Strengths: Blaine's last moment is realizing face is gone. Weaknesses: Blaine dies super fast"?

Dinesh Chugtai:
Yeah, you really shouldn't be looking at that. That's all proprietary.

Russ Hanneman:
I always thought Pied Piper was kind of a limp dick name.

Gavin Belson:
I know what Grndr is! I have gay friends!

Richard:
Look, guys, for thousands of years, guys like us gave gotten the sh*t kicked out of us. But now, for the first time, we're living in an era, where we can be in charge and build empires. We could be the vikings of our day.

Richard:
[at a party celebrating the sale of an IT company to Google for $200 million] It's amazing how the men and women at these things always separate like this.

Dinesh:
Yeah, every party in Silicon Valley ends up like a Hasidic wedding.

Big Head:
Not even the Goolybib guys were talking to girls.

Erlich:
They don't have to, Big Head. This house talks to girls.

Big Head:
[regarding the mansion they're visiting] F***ing Goolybib, man. Those guys build a mediocre piece of software that might be worth something someday, and now they live here. Money flying all over Silicon Valley but none of it ever seems to hit us.

Gavin Belson:
[playing in the Hooli employee shuttle bus] What is Hooli? Excellent question. Hooli isn't just another high-tech company. Hooli isn't just about software. Hooli... Hooli is about people. Hooli is about innovative technology that makes a difference, transforming the world as we know it, making the world a better place through minimal message-oriented transport layers. I firmly believe we can only achieve greatness if first we achieve goodness.

Doctor:
It's a garden variety panic attack. Welcome to Silicon Valley, we see people like you all the time!

Richard:
Really?

Doctor:
Yes.

Richard:
It's just I have to make this decision by tomorrow.

Doctor:
Yeah. You know, a while back, we had a guy in here in almost the exact same situation, "take the money or keep the company".

Richard:
What happened?

Doctor:
Well, a couple months later he was brought into the ER with a self-inflicted gunshot wound. I guess he really regretted not taking that money.

Richard:
He shot himself because he turned down the money?

Doctor:
Yeah. Or no, he took the money. Or no. No, he did not. You know what? I don't remember. But whatever it was, he regretted it so much that he ended up shooting himself.

Guy in Audience at TED Talk:
The true value of a college education is intangible!

Peter Gregory:
The true value of snake oil is intangible as well.

Guy in Audience at TED Talk:
Fascist!

Richard:
Pied Piper is a proprietary site that lets you find out if your music is infringing on any existing copyrights. So, imagine you were a song writer, ok?

Peter Gregory:
[Thoughtful] I don't think I could write a song.

Richard:
Yeah, no, just imagine if you were.

Peter Gregory:
I don't even think I could say, "Pied Piper is a proprietary site. " Well, I just did but it wasn't easy.

Richard:
[Watching Peter Gregory drive away] That is a narrow car.

Big Head:
F***ing billionaires!

Gilfoyle:
[Sticks up middle finger] How does this translate into Farsi?

Dinesh:
That's not the language I speak.

Gavin Belson:
It's weird. They always travel in groups of five. These programmers, there's always a tall skinny white guy, a short skinny Asian guy, fat guy with a ponytail, some guy with crazy facial hair and then an East Indian guy. It's like they trade guys until they all have the right group.

Erlich:
What do you got?

Pitcher:
Okay, here it is. Bit Soup, like alphabet soup but ones and zeros instead of the letters. Cause binary... Binary is ones and zeros.

Erlich:
I know what binary is. Jesus Christ! I memorized the hexadecimal times tables when I was 14 writing machine code, okay? Ask me what 9 times F is. It's fleventyfive. I don't need you telling me what binary is, just like I don't need you thinking about soup or taking pictures of it. I need you thinking about apps, software and websites. This is Silicon Valley, not...

Erlich:
[uses his phone]

Erlich:
Paris, Texas... which is where Campbell's Soup is.

Erlich:
Richard, if you want to live here, you've got to deliver. I can't have dead weight at my Incubator, ok? Either that, or show some promise for f***'s sake. Like NipAlert, Big Head's app. It gives you the location of a woman with erect nipples. Now, that's something people want.

Erlich:
When I sold my company, Aviato, I wanted to give back. That's why I started this place, to do something big. To make a difference. You know, like Steve.

Richard:
Uh, Jobs or Wozniak? [Erlich looks at him] Steve Jobs or Steve...

Erlich:
Oh, I heard you.

Richard:
Which one?

Erlich:
Jobs.

Richard:
I mean, Jobs was a poser. He didn't even write code.

Richard:
What do I do if I feel another panic attack coming on?

Doctor:
Would you be interested in a device that links up to your smartphone and it keeps track of your vitals and it tells you, even before it's happening, whether you're having a panic attack or an actual heart attack?

Richard:
Yeah, that sounds great.

Doctor:
You would, right? Ok, that's great news. Because it's still in prototype phase right now, but my start-up partners and I are looking for investors. Like today. So will you please let me know I'm going to give you my number. If you do end up taking that 10 million dollars because we could really make the world a better place.

Monica:
Hi, Monica. I work with Peter Gregory. We met outside the TED...

Richard:
Yeah, I remember you. What how'd you know I was here?

Monica:
Peter Gregory is invested in a company that uses GPS in phones to track people.

Richard:
That's creepy.

Monica:
You don't know the half of it. And neither does congress.

Erlich:
We need to do what any animal in nature does when it's cornered: act erratically and blindly lash out at everything around us.

Jared:
I'll admit I'm sleep challenged. I just spent 4 days trapped in a steel box out in an oil rig full of robot forklifts. But now I'm back, and I am recovering, and I am focused, and we're going to pivot. Don't lose faith guys. Look at me, look at me. We've got a great name, we've got a great team, we've got a great logo, and we've got a great name. And now we just need an idea. Let's pivot. Let's pivot.

Dinesh:
That might be the last time we see him alive.

Jared:
How much would it be worth to you if I told you I had a GPS app called Pied Piper tracking the location of your child? I can follow your child anywhere and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Most missing children are never found. Interested, very interested, or very interested?

Police Officer:
Do you have any weapons or drugs on your person?

Jared:
Why, yes! Yes, I do!

Police Officer:
Adderall! This is a highly controlled substance. Are these yours?

Jared:
No, those belong to an underaged kid that I brought to my house.

Police Officer:
Okay, sir, I'm going to have to ask you to come with me.

Jared:
That's a kind invitation, but I have too much to do. I'm pivoting. I'm pivoting! [runs away]

Richard:
When was the last time you slept, Jared?

Jared:
Absolutely, David.

Reporter:
So Richard wrote the code?

Erlich:
Richard wrote the code, yeah, but the inspiration was clear. Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? Because I know how long it would take me, and I can prove it!

Monica:
People may take credit for your idea and try and sue you. How awesome is that?

Richard:
Uh... yeah, that's awesome.

Erlich:
Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.

Jared:
That's a lot of jerking.

Gilfoyle:
And we only have ten minutes to present. So...

Richard:
So, we're f***ed, aren't we?

Dinesh:
Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.

Jared:
The what?

Dinesh:
Mean jerk-time. I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate.

Gilfoyle:
Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half.

Dinesh:
How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two d*cks at a time, right?

Gilfoyle:
Look, you have two guys on either side with their d*cks, tip to tip, so you're going full-length. Four, see?

Jared:
Oh... From the middle out. That does make sense.

Gilfoyle:
Like two Shake Weights.

Dinesh:
Yeah, so what we're trying to do, hypothetically, is minimize which is 800 dudes, multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four d*cks at a time. Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height, so that their d*cks lined up.

Gilfoyle:
Not by height, technically. The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. Call that D2F.

Erlich:
You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion... I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.

Gilfoyle:
So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, where length L creates a complimentary shaft angle. Call that theta D. Now, the orgasm threshold... as a function of Lamda sub...

Jared:
Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different d*cks simultaneously?

Erlich:
Sh*t. Yeah, I think it would.

Erlich:
Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each matching pair of d*cks otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.

Gilfoyle:
Unless you can hotswap d*cks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.

Dinesh:
Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.

[after the TechCrunch Disrupt]

Erlich:
Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 'Cause I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.

Erlich:
Are the judges allowed to send us through to the finals immediately after we present or they have to wait until everybody has gone?

[Everybody looks at him]

Erlich:
What? I was just asking what everybody was thinking.

Gilfoyle:
You're not sexually attracted to her, it's my code.

Dinesh:
Shut the fu... That is the most disgusting f***ing thing I've ever heard.

Gilfoyle:
Face it, Dinesh, you're gay for my code. You're code gay.

Gilfoyle:
Hey, would you like to masturbate to the sub-routine I just wrote?

Richard:
Did I put your picture up on the big screen in the auditorium? Yes, but that was to prove a point to my friends that I'm not obsessed with you!

Erlich:
[Referring to judge's wife] She'd have to be crazy to tell him, and I asked her point blank if she was crazy and she swore to me no, she's not crazy.

Heidi Evans:
[after showing a promo video for Nucleus] And that will be our first promotion at CES in January. Any questions?

Gavin Belson:
I have a question. That was horrible. I just got humiliated by a f***ing teenager at Techcrunch Disrupt and you give me this... tampon ad? A girl with diabetes on a swing?

Heidi Evans:
I think she has cancer. At least that's how I read it.

Erlich:
[calling Jared after learning Peter Gregory has died] Jared? I want you call the VC's and set up meetings with all of them. Line 'em up. Nuts to butts.

Jared:
You promised this guy $10,000 without any approval? Are you high?

Erlich:
A little bit, yeah, but that's irrelevant. A cool company needs a cool logo. You think those guys over at nucleus are hiring a convicted felon to paint a mural on their garage?

Jared:
For $10,000? No!

Jared:
I think we need to define our corporate culture.

Erlich:
Our whole corporate culture is that we don't have a corporate culture.

Jared:
Take Dinesh and Gilfoyle, they're wasting an enormous amount of time arguing. What if we were to separate them? Divide their existing work space into two areas. We could put in some kind of portable barrier...

Gilfoyle:
He's talking about cubicles!

Dinesh:
We're not doing cubicles, no way!

Jared:
No, no, don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a neutral-colored enclosure about yay-high around your work space.

[Everyone stares at Jared]

Jared:
Okay, fine. But do you know who uses cubicles? Every single Fortune 500 company. Why? Because they work.

Jared:
You guys are arguing over which metaphor to use to agree with each other. This is the inefficiency I'm trying to eliminate. My suggestions could actually help you beat me in this argument. Do you see the irony there?

Richard:
Doesn't Peter Gregory want what's best for the company?

Monica:
Look, I'm going to be straight with you. Peter Gregory doesn't care.

Richard:
About?

Monica:
You.

Erlich:
Wait. Just him, or both of us?

Monica:
Any of you; Pied Piper.

Richard:
Okay, uhh, then why did he back us? Just to piss off Gavin Belson? He spent $200,000 to piss of Gavin Belson?

Monica:
Yeah, that's nothing. Peter would spend millions just to mildly annoy Gavin. These are billionaires, Richard. Annoying each other means more to them than we'll make in a lifetime.

Richard:
I see. And you conveniently forgot to mention any of this when you were convincing me to turn down 10 million dollars. And now I'm in the middle of some pissing contest between two billionaires?

Monica:
In fairness, Gavin only offered the $10 million because we started pursuing you.

Richard:
Yes, but he offered it to me, Monica. He offered 10 million dollars! And I didn't take it because you came to me when I was puking and freaking out and told me that Peter Gregory believed in me, when in reality, he didn't give a flying f***!

Monica:
Richard...

Richard:
I didn't turn down 10 million dollars because of Peter Gregory, Monica. I turned it down because of you! [storms out]

Erlich:
However angry he is, I am one tenth as angry. Because one of the 10 million would have been mine, because I own 10%...

Monica:
I know.

Erlich:
...of Pied Piper.

Monica:
I know!

Erlich:
Hey Dinesh! Get in the f***ing car! There may be a drive-by about to happen!

Gavin Belson:
I don't know about you people, but I don't want to live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

Jared:
Hey! Sorry if I scared you, I know I have somewhat ghost-like features. My uncle used to say, "You look like someone starved a virgin to death."

Richard:
You didn't say sh*t about any business plan before today and neither did he. You know he was kind of being an a**hole back there.

Erlich:
Yeah, that's why he's a billionaire. Because he knows how and when to be an a**hole. That's what you need to be like. You do, Richard.

Richard:
Whatever.

Erlich:
If you continue to mismanage this company giving ten percent to whoever Obviously, you know, we can't go back on my shares. That ship has sailed but from here on out.

Richard:
Now you're being an a**hole.

Erlich:
ou say that like it's a bad thing. Richard, if you're not an a**hole, it creates this kind of a**hole vacuum and that void is filled by other a**holes, like Jared.

Gavin Belson:
Audious, play John Lennon's Imagine.

Audious:
Queuing John Wayne in a mansion. [pause] Not found.

Gavin Belson:
F***!

Audious:
Invalid command.

Gavin Belson:
F***!

Erlich:
Richard, stop being a f***ing p*ssy and start being an a**hole.

Jared:
So, um, can you kinda catch me up on what you see as your role in the company? What do you do?

Gilfoyle:
What do I do? System architecture, networking and security. No one in this house can touch me on that.

Jared:
Okay, that's good to know.

Gilfoyle:
But does anybody appreciate that? While you were busy minoring in gender studies and singing a capella at Sarah Lawrence, I was gaining root access to NSA servers. I was one click away from starting a second Iranian Revolution.

Jared:
I actually went to Vassar.

Gilfoyle:
I prevent cross-site scripting. I monitor for DDoS attacks, emergency database rollbacks, and faulty transaction handlings. The Internet - heard of it? - transfers half a petabyte of data minute; do you have any idea how that happens? All those YouPorn ones and zeroes streaming directly to your shitty little smartphone day after day, every dipshit who shits his pants if he can't get the new dubstep Skrillex remix in under twelve seconds? It's not magic, it's talent and sweat. People like me ensure your packets get delivered unsniffed. So what do I do? I makes sure that one bad config on one key component doesn't bankrupt the entire f***ing company. That's what the f*** I do.

Richard:
...That's basically what I told him.

Gilfoyle:
Listen, wherever we end up here I just wanna say that I feel I should get more equity than Dinesh.

Gilfoyle:
I entice the flesh, I don't pay for it. Plus, Tara's coming into town in a couple weeks. I'm saving up all my humors for her. You know what I mean? [Looks at Dinesh] What's your excuse?

Dinesh Chugtai:
I didn't even shake a woman's hand until I was 17-years-old. The idea of getting an erection around men I live and work with, it's just not something I can handle. The idea that I have a boner and you have a boner and he has a boner and we're all sitting there with boners in our pants

Jared:
[At Erlich] You kind of have a like a king-ish feeling to you. You're like a Norse hero from Valhalla.

Dinesh Chugtai:
I know Gilfoyle probably came in here and puked out a bunch of tech specs, three-fourths of which are total horse-sh*t. Did he bring up the Iranian revolution thing? Yeah, those words mean nothing. But here's a fact: I'm the only one of these clowns that can code in Java. And I write sleek performant low-overhead scala code with higher order functions that will run on anything. Period. End of sentence. So basically, I think whatever equity I get, it should reflect that I contribute more than Gilfoyle.

Richard Hendricks:
It says here on your resume that from 2010 to 2011 you "crushed it"?

Crushing Applicant:
That's actually an old resume. It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
So are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?

Crushing Applicant:
There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards. So I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%, at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.

Richard Hendricks:
So it says here that you're proficient in C++, code assembly for multiple processor architectures, and... that you are a cyborg?

Jared Patakian:
That is correct short for cybernetic organism. I came into this world of filth and pain with a congenital heart condition, requiring the installation of a pacemaker, upon which I am mortally dependent.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Wow, he's technically a cyborg.

Richard Hendricks:
Yeah, yeah. Makes the resume accurate.

Jared Patakian:
Look, we all know that I can make a shitload more money working for some multi-colored Happy Town in a hermetically-sealed box. But permission to be honest? [Looks at Richard]

Richard Hendricks:
Permission granted.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
[There's a pause while he stares at Donald] Oh. granted.

Jared Patakian:
I like that you guys are so weird.

Richard Hendricks:
You know, this Patakian guy is definitely on some end of some spectrum, but he is a full-stack engineer. I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
Well, he's qualified and he definitely seemed interested. It's a programmer's market right now. I think if we like him, we should pursue him aggressively. My only concern here, and it's a small one, um, he's also named Jared. Will it be confusing with two Jareds? If we hire him, I can always go back to my real name Donald.

Bertram Gilfoyle:
No, that's too big a hassle. We'll just go with "Other Jared".

Dinesh Chugtai:
OJ, for short.

Donald 'Jared' Dunn:
I know a name is just a sound somebody makes when they need you, but shouldn't this much-newer Jared be "other Jared"?

Bertram Gilfoyle:
You should be flattered. OJ Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet.

Jared:
There's a distinct over-representation of men in this company. Look around. I think it would behoove us to prioritize hiring a woman.

Gilfoyle:
I disagree, OJ. We should hire the best person for the job, period.

Dinesh:
And Carla is one of the best.

Jared:
Right, let me rephrase: I think having a woman in the company is important but hiring someone only because they're a woman is bad. I would never compromise Pied Piper.

Richard:
Okay, just to be clear, our top priority is to hire the most qualified person available, right?

Jared:
Of course.

Dinesh:
But would be better if that someone was a woman even though the "woman" part of that statement is irrelevant?

Jared:
Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.

Dinesh:
That's the worst example you could have used.

Doctor:
Kidney function, liver function, testosterone... I don't know how you did it, but you essentially aged 40 years in the last 7 weeks.

Richard:
Wow, really?

Doctor:
We had a meth addict in here this morning who is biologically younger than you are, and he is 58. MySpace guy.

Doctor:
Can I give you my professional opinion as your doctor? You should have taken the $10 Million from Gavin Belson. But regrets will kill you, so try not to dwell on it.

Erlich:
Are you sure that she didn't ask Gilfoyle for a danish and maybe you misheard her?

Dinesh:
You're probably right. She just wanted to f*** a danish.

Driverless Car:
Destination override. New destination: 1 Gregory Drive, Arallon. Distance to new destination: 4,126 miles. Enjoy your ride.

Jared:
Umm, what's happening? Uh, I'm sorry, what? Mr. Car?

Dinesh:
I should not have eaten all that Satanist chicken.

Erlich:
Who takes Adderall anymore?

The Carver:
Half of the kids in Palo Alto.

Erlich:
[to a group of kids] Which one was it? It was Church Candy, wasn't it? Well, you just brought piss to a sh*t fight, you little c*nt!

Erlich Bachman:
You just brought piss to a sh*t fight!

Pete Monahan:
I used to take a tampon, soak it in grain alcohol, and stick it up my rectum.

Pete Monahan:
That got me high, Richard, but not half as high as the drug you just gave me.

Richard Hendricks:
Frankly, your lack of paranoia is insane to me.

Bertram Gilfoyle:
Now you're paranoid that we're not paranoid enough?

Dinesh Chugtai:
You're paraparanoid, Richard.