Slap Shot

Jim Carr:
I may be bald, but at least I'm not chickenshit.

Reggie Dunlop:
Suzanne sucks p*ssy. She's a dyke. I know. I know. A lesbian. A lesbian. A lesbian.

Reggie Dunlop:
She underlines the f*** scenes for ya? Jesus, if she underlines the f*** scenes for ya, she must worship the ground you walk on.

Ned Braden:
They teach you how to underline in college.

Reggie Dunlop:
Not the f*** scenes, they don't.

Jim Carr:
Ned, what's a young man of your background still doing playing professional hockey?

Ned Braden:
I hate my father.

Jim Carr:
Is that right?

Ned Braden:
That's what I said, isn't it?

Lily Braden:
You're bullshit, you're really bullshit.

Ned Braden:
You're drunk.

Reggie Dunlop:
You're right, he's bullshit.

Lily Braden:
Yeah? Well, he and I are the only decent items in this town

Reggie Dunlop:
That's great. Why should she care what anyone thinks about her? Shes just scrappin' Hey, how does Braden treat her? Is he nice to her?

Denis Lemieux:
Oh yeah, he love her. He tell me 'I love her.'

Reggie Dunlop:
Well, maybe Braden's a f*ggot, you ever think of that?

Denis Lemieux:
No way, he got a big cock, like horse.

Denis Lemieux:
F***. I lose my blouse.

Jim Ahern:
Shirt... shirt.

Ned Braden:
You take the van, I'll keep the dog.

McGrath:
Good crowd out there tonight, boys, let's really try to win this one.

Ned Braden:
You have to hand it to the old bastard, he's highly original.

Jim Ahern:
That man traveled 15 hours by bus to say that?

Dickie Dunn:
I tried to capture the spirit of the thing.

Reggie Dunlop:
I am personally placing a hundred-dollar bounty on the head of Tim McCracken. He's the head coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team.

Jim Carr:
A bounty?

Reggie Dunlop:
Yeah, one hundred bucks of my own money for the first of my men who really creams that guy.

Tim McCracken:
Dunlop, you suck cock.

Reggie Dunlop:
All I can get.

Reggie Dunlop:
Lard ass Bartley Donnellson,You all saw what happened. Stick down, glvoes off He challenged the Chiefs. Called us names, but Dave was there. Dave's a killer.

Johnny Upton:
Dave's a mess.

Reggie Dunlop:
But Dave's out. Who's gonna take his place

Ned Braden:
Is the answer Jesus?

McGrath:
Are you crazy? We could all end up in the clinker for this. You can't put a bounty on a man's head.

Reggie Dunlop:
I just did.

Dave 'Killer' Carlson:
Coach, I want that hundred dollars.

Reggie Dunlop:
Ya gotta earn it, Killer.

Dave 'Killer' Carlson:
My attitude's right.

Johnny Upton:
They're f***in' horrible-lookin'.

Hyannisport broadcaster:
The fans are standing up to them. The security guards are standing up to them. The peanut vendors are standing up to them. And by golly, if I could be down there, I'd be standing up to them."

Ned Braden:
Now, they give you one phone call.

Jeff Hanson:
Call the pizza man.

Morris Wanchuk:
Call a massage parlor.

Johnny Upton:
What did the old man trade for these a**holes, a used puck bag?

McGrath:
"Every scout in the NHL is out there tonight, with contracts in their pockets, and they're looking for talent. For winners. OOOOOOOOOH. All my years of publicity. Of the fashion shows and radiothons for nothing... They come here tonight... to scout the Chiefs... the toughest team in the Federal League. Not this. Buncha... pussies."

Tim McCracken:
Hundred bucks says you're gonna crack my skull.

Ned Braden:
I wouldn't crack your knuckles for a hundred bucks.

Tim McCracken:
So, he's bluffing.

Ned Braden:
"Somebody's gonna kill you, ya dumb son of a b*tch, but it's not gonna be me.

Peterboro Referee:
Got my eye on the three of you. You pull one thing, you're out of this game. I run a clean game here. I have any trouble here, I'll suspend ya.

Steve Hanson:
I'm listening to the f***ing song.

Jim Carr:
This young man has had a very trying rookie season, with the litigation, the notoriety, his subsequent deportation to Canada and that country's refusal to accept him, I guess that's more than most 21-year-olds can handle. Number six, Ogie Oglethorpe.

Reggie Dunlop:
You know, your son looks like a fag to me.

Anita McCambridge:
I beg your pardon?

Reggie Dunlop:
You better get re-married soon, or he is going to have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

Anita McCambridge:
How dare you.

Hyannisport broadcaster:
Look at that. You can't see that, I'm on radio.

Lily Braden:
What's the story on that dog?

Reggie Dunlop:
That's the dog that saved Charleston from the 1938 flood.

Lily Braden:
Well f*** him.

Jim Carr:
Here's a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence "Screaming Buffalo" Swamptown. I'll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the "Big Tomahawk," and he usually refers to the opposing players as "the little scalps".

Jim Carr:
Andre "Poodle" Lussier, defense. Andre, as you know, has been living in semi-seclusion in Northern Quebec ever since the unfortunate Denny Pratt tragedy.

Morris Wanchuk:
Not Poodle.

Jim Carr:
And from Mile 40, Saskatchewan, where he now runs a donut shop, number 10, former penalty-minute record holder for the years 1960 to 1968 inclusive, Gilmore Tuttle.

Johnny Upton:
I'm gonna flash'em, Joe.

McGrath:
No, you're not.

Johnny Upton:
I'm gonna open up this f*ggot robe and wiggle my dick at em. And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this sh*t anymore. You and your f***ing fashion shows.

Ned Braden:
What are you doing?

Jeff Hanson:
Puttin' on the foil!

Steve Hanson:
Every game!

Jack Hanson:
Want some?

Reggie Dunlop:
It's their rink, it's their ice, and it's their f***in' town. But tonight we got our fans with us!

Reggie Dunlop:
. They spent their own dough to get here, and they came here to see us! All right, let's show 'em what we got, guys! Get out there on the ice and let 'em know you're there. Get that f***in' stick in their side. Let 'em know you're there! Get that lumber in his teeth. Let 'em know you're there!

Ned Braden:
Bleed all over 'em. Let 'em know you're there.

Reggie Dunlop:
Give 'em a good warm-up, Denis. Come on, fellas!

Reggie Dunlop:
You mean you could sell us, but you won't?

Anita McCambridge:
I could probably sell you, but I can't.

Reggie Dunlop:
Well - you know, uh - we're human beings, you know.

Anita McCambridge:
I have to confess I've never let the children watch a hockey game. I have a theory that children imitate what they see on a TV screen. If they see violence, they'll become violent. If they see someone stick up a bank, they'll stick up a bank. Heroin. You name it.

Reggie Dunlop:
You're f***ed!

Anita McCambridge:
What?

Reggie Dunlop:
You are totally f***ed! You're garbage for letting us all go down the drain.

Anita McCambridge:
Are you serious?

Dickie, have you seen Francine?

Reggie Dunlop:
How's it going, Nick?

Nick Brophy:
I'm drunk.

Reggie Dunlop:
Nah.

Nick Brophy:
I'm not bullshittin' ya. Got stinkin' sh*t-faced on the bus, Louise left me, and that son of a b*tch over there keeps playin' me, when he knows I'm sh*t-faced.

Reggie Dunlop:
Geez, I'm really sorry.

Nick Brophy:
Anybody throws me against the boards, I'm gonna piss all over myself.

Reggie Dunlop:
What are you guys doing?

Steve Hanson:
Puttin' on the foil!

Jeff Hanson:
Every game!

Jack Hanson:
Yeah, you want some?

[Chiefs fashion show]

Jim Ahern:
I look like some cock-sucking f*ggot in this thing.

Joe McGrath:
Have you seen Reg or Braden?

Jim Ahern:
Joe, I don't care man. Enough is enough. Nowhere in my contract does it say I gotta make a fool out of myself. Am I right?

[McGrath walks toward Upton]

Joe McGrath:
Have you seen Dunlop or Braden–

Johnny Upton:
I'm gonna flash 'em, Joe!

Joe McGrath:
Aw, now, son...

Johnny Upton:
I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' aisle, I'm gonna open up this f*ggot bathrobe and wiggle my dick at 'em!

Joe McGrath:
You will not.

Johhny Upton:
Yes I am, Joe, and you know why? Because I want you to have a heart attack and die so that we never have to do this sh*t again. You and your f***ing fashion shows.

Joe McGrath:
It's good publicity! You boys just haven't been bringing in the crowds like you used to.

Johnny Upton:
I'm gonna wiggle it at 'em, you cheap bastard. I'm telling you, ya better be prepared, because when I yank it out, everybody in that audience with the exception of my wife is gonna be runnin' for the exits!

[Upton storms out]

Announcer:
Ensemble #8, as we watch Chiefs defenseman, Johnny Upton, modelling #8...

Joe McGrath:
[on the phone] Joe McGrath, just checking on Dunlop–

[The audience can be heard screaming at Upton, who apparently flashed the crowd; McGrath slowly hangs the phone up]

Reggie Dunlop:
You guys triplets or something?

Jack Hanson:
Nah, I am in the middle... Steve's 20 and Jeff's 18.

Reggie Dunlop:
Where ya from?

Jack Hanson:
Iron League.

Reggie Dunlop:
The Iron League, huh? Lotta fights?

Jack Hanson:
Nah... Hey I want a a soda.

Reggie Dunlop:
We paid for you here for a week then you gotta find a room of your own.

Jack Hanson:
Okay, coach. Gimme a grape or an orange and none of that stinkin' root beer.

[after meeting the Hansons]

Reggie Dunlop:
You cheap son of a b*tch. Are you crazy? Those guys are retards!

McGrath:
I got a good deal on those boys. Scout said they showed a lot of promise.

Reggie Dunlop:
They brought their f***in' toys with 'em!

McGrath:
I'd rather have them playing with their toys than playing with themselves.

Reggie Dunlop:
They're too dumb to play with themselves! Boy, every piece of garbage that comes into the league, you gotta buy it.

McGrath:
Reg... Reg, that reminds me, I was coaching in Omaha in 1948 and Eddie Shore sends me this guy who's a terrible masturbator. Couldn't control himself. He would get deliberate penalities so he could get all by himself in the penalty box, and damned if he wouldn't, you know... [pantomimes masturbation]

Reggie Dunlop:
[disgusted] Aw, Jesus, Joe...

McGrath:
Now what was that again...? [continues masturbating gestures]

Reggie Dunlop:
You know, your son looks like a fag to me. You better get married again, 'cause he's gonna wind up with somebody's cock in his mouth before you can say "Jack Robinson".

Anita McCambridge:
How dare you. How DARE you!

Johnny Upton:
They're horrible looking.

Reggie Dunlop:
Don't look at me; it was McGrath's doing, not mine.

Johnny Upton:
What the old man trade for these a**holes, a used puck bag? Watch Braden, he's gonna do something.

Ned Braden:
Hi. Are you guys brothers?

Johnny Upton:
Are you guys brothers... [laughs] What a life!

Joe McGrath:
You can't put a bounty on a man's head.

Reggie Dunlop:
I just did.

Reggie Dunlop:
Let 'em know you're there! Get that stick in their side, let 'em know you're there! Put some lumber in their teeth, let 'em know you're there!

Ned Braden:
[sarcastically] Bleed all over 'em, let 'em know you're there.

Reggie Dunlop:
Lard ass Barkley Donaldson. You all saw what happened. Stick down, gloves off, he challenged the Chiefs. Called us names, CALLED US NAMES! But Dave was there.

The Hansons:
[in unison] Dave's a killer!

Johnny Upton:
Dave's a mess...

Reggie Dunlop:
But Dave's out. Who's gonna take his place?

Ned Braden:
Is the answer Jesus?

Reggie Dunlop:
[glares at Braden] Okay, guys. [looks directly to the Hansons] Show us what you got!

[The Chiefs play normal, less raucous hockey in the championship game, only to get hammered in the first period ]

Joe McGrath:
They've come tonight.. to scout the Chiefs, the toughest team in the Federal League. Not this... bunch of... pussies. [stomps out of locker room]

Reggie Dunlop:
Scouts?

[The Chiefs immediately return to their violent style of play]

Dave’s a killer !!!! Dave’s a mess !!!

[After the Chiefs win on a forfeit after Reggie baited the opposing goalie into a fight, when the opponent had no other goalies available]

Mo Wanchuk:
Hey, Reg! Reg! What did you say to him?

Reggie Dunlop:
I told him his wife was a dyke.

Mo Wanchuk:
NO!

Reggie Dunlop:
Yeah!

Mo Wanchuk:
Fuuuck!

Jim Mahern:
Jesus Christ, no wonder he flipped his lid.

Johnny Upton:
Anybody called my old lady a dyke, I'd go f***ing bananas!

Reggie Dunlop:
His wife is a dyke!

Reggie Dunlop:
Jesus Christ, what a f***in' nightmare.

Reggie Dunlop:
I'd like to place a personal bounty on the head of Tim McCracken. He's the coach and chief punk on that Syracuse team.

The Hanson Brothers: Well Reg is our coach. Yeah, sure, Old Time Hockey! Like Eddie Shore. Eddie Shore, yeah. Coach... our line starts?

The Hanson Brothers:
[to Ogie Ogilthorpe] Hi, Ogie! Buy ya a soda after the game?

The Hanson Brothers:
Hey ya think they show Speed Racer here?

Denis Lemieux:
[discussing hockey rules and customs, in broken English] Icing 'appen when dee puck come down... Bang! You know... before dee udder guy. Nobody dere. My h'arm go comme ça, den dee game stop den start h'up.

Denis Lemieux:
My h'allergy to those f***ing fans, you know, has returned.