Sports Night

[after making a presentation for his son's class]

Dan Rydell:
What did you do?

Casey McCall:
I did what I do, Dan. I did what I do.

Dan Rydell:
You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?

Casey McCall:
Is it nature's special time?

Dana Whitaker:
Oh, you know what, bite me so hard for that.

Natalie Hurley:
New York, the city of lights.

Dana Whitaker:
Paris is the city of lights.

Natalie Hurley:
We've got a lot of lights, Dana.

Isaac Jaffe:
Let me start by saying that: Dana, what I say in my office stays in my office.

Dana Whitaker:
Natalie's my number 2, she's the only one I told.

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy's my boyfriend, and he's the only one I told.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I told many many people.

Casey McCall:
I speak four languages.

Dan Rydell:
You speak three languages.

Casey McCall:
I speak four languages.

Dan Rydell:
You speak German, French, and Italian.

Casey McCall:
I dabble in a little English.

Dan Rydell:
You're married?

Rebecca Wells:
We're separated.

Dan Rydell:
There's a difference between being divorced and being separated. One is divorced and the other is separated. That's why they have those names.

Dan Rydell:
I gotta tell you, at this point, the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.

Casey McCall:
[awkward first date] Pixley's an unusual name. Did it, um, come from your mother?

Pixley Robinson:
I'm pretty sure it came from both my parents.

Casey McCall:
What I meant was, was it your mother's maiden name?

Pixley Robinson:
No.

Casey McCall:
It doesn't have special significance?

Pixley Robinson:
It has special significance in as much as it's my name.

Dan Rydell:
What's goin's on?

Natalie Hurley:
We only have six minutes and twenty-five seconds worth of show for tomorrow.

Dan Rydell:
No problem.

Dana Whitaker:
No problem?

Dan Rydell:
I can stretch it.

Dana Whitaker:
You can't stretch it.

Dan Rydell:
Dana, I'm a writer. I stretch things all the time. Give me six minutes and twenty-five seconds worth of copy, and I'll stretch it into an hour. I've done it before.

Dana Whitaker:
No, you haven't. You've stretched six minutes and twenty-five seconds into *seven* minutes and twenty-five seconds.

Dan Rydell:
Hmm. It certainly seemed like an hour.

Dana Whitaker:
[sighs disgustedly] Sally?

Natalie Hurley:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
My Sally?

Natalie Hurley:
Casey's Sally.

Dana Whitaker:
Sally is going to win my award.

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy's award.

Dana Whitaker:
Natalie, I'm about to make this man the most famous seventh-place archer in the history of sports. I think the very least he can do is die in a timely manner, and be gay.

Dan Rydell:
Jealousy will rear its ugly head.

Casey McCall:
It will not rear its ugly head.

Dan Rydell:
It will rear its ugly head. It will look around, and then it will... eat Tokyo.

Isaac Jaffe:
Where's Casey?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Ah, out with a girl named Pixley.

Isaac Jaffe:
Casey's out with Pixley?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes.

Isaac Jaffe:
You suppose the two of them could be any more white?

Jeremy Goodwin:
No, I don't imagine they could.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I was wondering, as someone who's been nominated for many of these things and lost most of the time, how you felt on the question of preparing a speech in advance?

Isaac Jaffe:
I won the Pulitzer Prize, Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Oh, it's a real honor, sir.

Isaac Jaffe:
No, I meant it's one of the many objects in the room that I could grab and shove up - .

Jeremy Goodwin:
Got it.

[Jeremy just found out that he didn't win his award, while Isaac is waiting for his wife to finish dancing so she can pick him up]

Isaac Jaffe:
Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes, sir?

Isaac Jaffe:
You know what sucks?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Losing an award?

Isaac Jaffe:
I was gonna say not being able to dance with your wife.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yeah, I was gonna say that too, sir.

Natalie Hurley:
I'm upset because there's a principle, a bedrock principle that doesn't change, and now I'm supposed to hand over these things. I'm supposed to hand over these things that are ours.

Dana Whitaker:
I didn't get Sam a cake.

Dan Rydell:
Okay.

Dana Whitaker:
'Cause I think he'd see right through it, don't you?

Dan Rydell:
Don't I what?

Dana Whitaker:
Think he'd see right through it - the hypocrisy.

Dan Rydell:
The hypocrisy of a cake?

[On the air]

Dan Rydell:
Commenting on his sub-par performance after the game, Reed said, "My head just wasn't in the game." Anyone knowing the location of Reed's head should contact the proper authorities.

[Casey is "blind" after his eye exam]

Dan Rydell:
Uh-oh.

Casey McCall:
What?

Dan Rydell:
Mmm-mm.

Casey McCall:
What, what, what, is there a fire?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, there's a big fire, Casey. That's why I'm saying, "Uh-oh" and "mmm."

Casey McCall:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's going on?

Dan Rydell:
Peter Sadler's here.

Casey McCall:
Uh-oh.

Dan Rydell:
[shouting] CASEY, WATCH OUT!

Casey McCall:
What? What?

[Casey rolls off the couch and hits the floor. Dan starts laughing at him]

[Jeremy and Natalie have broken up]

Dana Whitaker:
Did you know about Jeremy and Natalie?

Isaac Jaffe:
No.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna take care of this footage. *Then*, I'm gonna stop by Dan and Casey's office to fill them in on Jeremy and Natalie. *Then*, I'm gonna come back here and I'm gonna talk to you.

Isaac Jaffe:
That sounds good. Why don't you do everything you just said, except coming back here and talking to me?

Dan Rydell:
Hey Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Hey.

Dan Rydell:
What's going on?

Jeremy Goodwin:
The captain of the Ukrainian handball team thinks they've got a good chance of a medal in Sydney.

Dan Rydell:
I meant in general.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Ah, nothing.

Dan Rydell:
Nothing what?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Nothing... Sir?

Isaac Jaffe:
And that was a mistake. God looked down at his lineup card, turned to a kid on the bench and said, "Moses, you're up!"

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well, there are sections of the Haggadah that, quite frankly, could use a polish.

Dan Rydell:
You're gonna do a rewrite on the Haggadah?

Jeremy Goodwin:
It's not written in stone, Danny.

Dan Rydell:
Actually, some of it is.

Billi:
Abraham, we are simple, honest, hard working people and our lives are good.

Will:
I completely agree Sarah, I hope we never have to leave my father's house or even this land.

Jeremy Goodwin:
But Abraham's wish was not to be for one day, while tending to his sheep...

Chris:
Baaaaa.

Dana Whitaker:
Would you please?

Jeremy Goodwin:
...Abraham heard, the voice of God.

Dave:
Abraham.

Dana Whitaker:
Dave's God?

Dave:
Yes.

Will:
Who's that?

Dave:
It's me.

Will:
I'm hearing things. The wind must be playing tricks with my ears.

Dave:
It's not trick. It's me. I've chosen you.

Will:
Chosen me?

Dave:
I've chosen you. You've been chosen.

Will:
I don't like the sound of that.

Dave:
No, it's ok. What I want you to do it this. I want you and Sarah to leave your father's house and leave this land and go forth to a place called Canaan. [points to the right]

Jeremy Goodwin:
[corrects him by pointing to the left] Oop.

Dave:
There in Canaan you will become the founder of a great nation.

Will:
Okey-doke.

Dave:
10 seconds live.

Elliot:
Dana, you know about the problem with the fire alarms in the studio?

Dana Whitaker:
What's the problem with the fire alarms in the studio?

Kim:
They go off when there's no fire in the studio.

Dana Whitaker:
Really?

Elliot:
They've been going off at night.

Dana Whitaker:
Are they going to go of during the show?

Kim:
We had 'em disconnected.

Dana Whitaker:
What if there's a fire?

Kim:
It's the studio. You'll see it on television.

Isaac:
You said, "Doesn't it look to you like they're talking about cutbacks?" I said, "Yes." You said, "Natalie's in jeopardy." I said, "Yes." And what else did I say?

Dana Whitaker:
You said, "Keep it to yourself."

Isaac:
I said, "Keep it to yourself!" I said, "Before we start a panic, let's know what we're talking about."

Dana Whitaker:
Yes.

Isaac:
Did you keep it to yourself?

Dana Whitaker:
No.

Isaac:
What'd you do?

Dana Whitaker:
I told Natalie.

Isaac:
And what happened?

Dana Whitaker:
Panic ensued.

Isaac:
Plan well executed.

Dan Rydell:
The high-water mark was when I was mistaken for a Backstreet Boy. Is there a Backstreet Boy I look like?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Which one?

Jeremy Goodwin:
That... guy.

Jenny:
Do you think your career progress is being thwarted by your inability to make a parallelogram?

Isaac:
I have a comprehensive command of American musicals.

Dan Rydell:
That's great, listen...

Isaac:
Name a song.

Dan Rydell:
I don't really...

Isaac:
Name a damn song.

Dan Rydell:
How are Things in Glocca Morra?

[Long silence]

Isaac:
Damn, that's gonna bug the hell out of me.

Casey McCall:
Ah, he's got a fair point.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
This is getting uncomfortable.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
This is why I discourage fraternisation in the office.

Dan Rydell:
You discourage fraternisation.

Casey McCall:
I do.

Dan Rydell:
Are you not counting the last year and a half with Dana?

Casey McCall:
I am, as a matter of a fact, not counting that.

Dan Rydell:
Okay.

Casey McCall:
Did I go on a date with her ?

Dan Rydell:
Very excited about this game tonight.

Casey McCall:
Oh! I did not go on a date with her.

Dan Rydell:
Natalie has beaten me one too many times and it's time to reclaim my manhood.

Casey McCall:
Maybe it's payback night for Dana as well.

Dan Rydell:
We're gonna wipe 'em up dood.

Casey McCall:
We're gonna do it with the fundamentals.

Dan Rydell:
We got superior education.

Casey McCall:
We got superior powers of communication.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
Between you and me...

Dan Rydell:
I know.

Jenny:
I... uh... just took it to the next level, didn't I?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Did you?

Jenny:
If you're not sure, then I didn't do a good job.

Jeremy Goodwin:
That's not necessarily true. I'm not that good with these kinds of things, and usually a girl needs to smack me in the head and hold up a sign.

Jenny:
That's good to know.

Isaac:
You didn't expect me to substitute your judgment for mine, did you?

Sam Donovan:
Men like the sound of a woman whispering in their ear. They get playful.

Dana Whitaker:
Why don't we just get 'em a lap dance?

Sam Donovan:
No, we don't have that kind of time, but I like your thinking.

Dana Whitaker:
You mind telling me what the hell's going on?

Dan Rydell:
We're just ...

Dana Whitaker:
I don't wanna hear about it. This show's supposed to be fun. You guys sound like you're giving stock quotes. Is there a reason I'm not aware of?

Casey McCall:
We think we should be able ...

Dana Whitaker:
Don't give me your excuses. We've got 18 minutes of show left. What I'd like is you guys to start earning your money. Do you have anything you'd like to say?

Casey McCall:
Yeah ...

Dana Whitaker:
Good!

[She leaves the room]

Dan Rydell:
I wanted to get you some cheese. There's a great cheese place over on Second Avenue. I went over there after I got the wine, but it's gone. There's a hardware store there now.

Dana Whitaker:
That's okay.

Dan Rydell:
I got ya some Spackle.

Sam Donovan:
Take a walk with me, will ya?

J.J.:
Where?

Sam Donovan:
It's a surprise. You guys know who Philo Farnsworth was?

J.J.:
Philo Farnsworth?

Sam Donovan:
Yeah.

J.J.:
What's going on?

Sam Donovan:
He invented television. I don't mean he invented television like Uncle Milty. I mean he invented the television in a little house in Provo, Utah, at a time when the idea of transmitting moving pictures through the air would be like me saying I figured out a way to beam us aboard the starship Enterprise.

J.J.:
Yeah, look, I - I -

Sam Donovan:
He was a visionary. He died broke and without fanfare. The guy I really like though was his brother-in-law, Cliff Gardner. He said, "Philo, I know everyone things you're crazy, but I want to be a part of this. I don't have your head for science, so I'm not going to be able to help much with the design and mechanics of the invention, but it sounds like you're going to need glass tubes."

Femal advisor:
J.J., I-I don't think -

Sam Donovan:
You see, Philo was inventing the cathode receptor, and even though Cliff didn't know what that meant or how it worked, he'd seen Philo's drawing, and he knew that he was gonna need glass tubes. And since television hadn't been invented yet, it's not like you could get them at the local TV repair shop. "I want to be a part of this," Cliff said. "I don't have your head for science. How would it be if I were to teach myself to be a glass blower? And I could set up a little shop in the backyard. And I could make all the tubes you'll need for testing." There ought to be Congressional Medals for people like that.

Male advisor:
Maybe so -

Sam Donovan:
I've looked over the notes you've been giving over the last year or so, and I have to say they exhibit an almost total lack of understanding of how to get the best from talented people.

Femal advisor:
Excuse me, but -

Sam Donovan:
You said before that for whatever reason, I seem to be able to exert some authority around here. I assure you it's not 'cause they like me. It's 'cause they knew two minutes after I walked in the door I'm someone who knows how to do something. I can help. I can make glass tubes. That's what they need. One last thing, the first and last decision-making authority on this show will rest with Isaac Jaffee until Isaac Jaffee says otherwise, and if you disrespect him in my presence again, I will rededicate the rest of my life to ruining the rest of yours. And if you think I'm just mouthing at you, you should ask around about me. I have absolutely no conscience about these things.

J.J.:
Sam, why did you bring us out here?

Sam Donovan:
Because there's the exit. That's it. The meeting's over.

Dana Whitaker:
At some point were you planning on asking *me* if its okay if you switch off nights with Casey? I'm still the executive producer of this show.

Dan Rydell:
I'm sorry. Is it okay if I switch off nights with Casey?

Dana Whitaker:
What the hell do I care?

Sam:
The world isn't really like that, Dana. It's a more interesting place than that.

Dana Whitaker:
Than what?

Sam:
Black and white.

Natalie Hurley:
I'm gonna push the Dodgers' training camp into the 30s, which will let us move Dale Earnhardt upfront.

Dana Whitaker:
I've got a gun under my desk.

Natalie Hurley:
Or we can keep everything where it is.

[On the air]

Casey McCall:
Don't go away because, when we come back, we'll take a look at one of nature's newest anomalies - a soccer game with high scores.

Dan Rydell:
I will not be the subject of your mockery.

Casey McCall:
Oh, I think you shall.

Dan Rydell:
You did remember me later, but then you didn't want to go out with me anyway.

Rebecca Wells:
That's right.

Dan Rydell:
"Because sports casters are self-absorbed, narrow-minded people of limited intelligence and limitless ego."

Rebecca Wells:
That's right.

Dan Rydell:
Let me tell you something - first of all, I'm a sports *anchor*, not a sportscaster. Second of all, you married a jerk. I know about Steve Cisco. Everybody knows about Steve Cisco. Sister, you married a loser. And the fact that you think that that man's low-grade brand of manhood is any way indicative of my profession is beneath your obvious intelligence and class. What guys like that do to women like you makes me absolutely crazy. I knew I recognized you. Will you look at this? You're working late, I have a show to do in ten minutes just twelve stories up. There's no earthly reason why you shouldn't be having dinner with me after the show. It'd be midnight, and we'd go to a great place, and I'd ask you about your day because I genuinely do care about your day. And I'd be funny and you'd have a good time. And when I took you home at like 3am, and I tried to kiss you goodnight, and I think I'd be successful. In fact, I know it. And I can't believe none of that's ever gonna happen 'cause once there was a time you married an idiot. I've gotta get back to my job, which, rest assured, I do considerably better than Steve Cisco.

Dan Rydell:
Dana, Casey's being mean to me.

Dana Whitaker:
Casey, be nice to Dan.

Casey McCall:
"The Sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese". Dana, we've got all kinds of sentence construction here. I think he's going to have to explain that it's the park that's covered with cheese and not the father.

Dan Rydell:
This is an unforgiving room.

Natalie Hurley:
Plus, it's a little hard to figure how running through cheese helped the kid with her agility and quick first step.

Dan Rydell:
Thankyou everyone.

Dana Whitaker:
Gordon thinks I'm too invested in the show. I'm losing him, and I believe I can heal our relationship if I go snorkeling.

Kim:
The guys I'm with, it's usually good enough just to wear the outfit.

Dan Rydell:
I'm not distracted.

Dave:
In three, two...

Dan Rydell:
The Sophomore sensation credits her agility and quick first step to her father who used to take her to a neighborhood park all covered with cheese. We'll be bringing you part two of that story tomorrow night. Casey.

Casey McCall:
The San Diego Padres...

[back in the Control Room]

Jeremy Goodwin:
Did he just say cheese?

Elliot:
He did just say cheese.

Dana Whitaker:
What was it supposed to be?

Jeremy Goodwin:
What was it *supposed* to be?

Natalie Hurley:
Let me find it.

Jeremy Goodwin:
"A park all covered with cheese"?

Dana Whitaker:
I had three people talking in my ear.

Natalie Hurley:
I can't find it, what block?

Kim:
We just did it.

Elliot:
The 50's

Will:
55

Jeremy Goodwin:
How about "a park all covered with trees"?

Natalie Hurley:
He said cheese?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Welcome to the show.

Dan Rydell:
You know, sometimes it's worth it, takin' all the pies in the face. Sometimes you come through it feelin' good.

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dan Rydell:
And how was your day?

Casey McCall:
Sometimes you just stand there, hip-deep in pie.

Dan Rydell:
Come out with me.

Casey McCall:
Where?

Dan Rydell:
El Perro Fumando.

Casey McCall:
"The Smoking Dog"?

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
Why?

Dan Rydell:
If you wear something blue, you get $2 off a giant blue margarita.

Casey McCall:
You know, I make a pretty good living. I can actually afford to wear what I want and pay full price.

Dan Rydell:
I'm not promoting the economic upside as much as I am the opportunity to drink something giant and blue.

Casey McCall:
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as we've had doing it, well, then we've had twice as much fun doing the show as you've had watching it.

[to assistant U.S. attorney for the Southern district Gordon Gage B.A., M.A., J.D. - aka Dana's boyfriend]

Casey McCall:
You know... it really wasn't my intention to discuss any Dana-related matters. No, I was just reading this "New York Times" piece on the forensic evidence, the ballistics match, the eyewitnesses, and the 78 hours worth of wiretaps, a portion of which included the defendant saying, "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him dead"... and was wondering what the heck a fella has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch.

Jeremy Goodwin:
And in that moment, Dan was reminded once again why he wanted to write in the first place. It's for the same reason anybody does anything: to impress women.

Isaac:
My 16-year-old daughter is dating a Republican in her class named Chad.

Dana Whitaker:
Chad's a 16-year-old Republican?

Isaac:
That's right.

Dana Whitaker:
I didn't know 16-year-olds had party affiliations.

Isaac:
Chad was just elected president of the Connecticut Young Black Republican caucus. He has a 3.9 GPA, he is co-captain of the lacrosse team, he plays the French horn, and does volunteer work at a crisis hotline.

Dana Whitaker:
Sounds wonderful.

Isaac:
Dana, did you hear me? He's a Republican!

Natalie Hurley:
On page 66, halfway down in the NFL injury report, it says "Collins is expected to miss practice this week, the result of a bulging disk."

Dan Rydell:
Yeah?

Natalie Hurley:
There's a typo on the TelePrompter. They left out the 's.'

Casey McCall:
Collins is expected to be sidelined a week to 10 days with a bulging di-Uh Oh.

Dan Rydell:
Whoa. That's a big 10-4.

Casey McCall:
My next line in the script was "Let's go to the videotape."

Natalie Hurley:
We might have gotten some phone calls.

Dan Rydell:
You're gonna need to get someone to fix my computer.

Kim:
What's wrong with it?

Dan Rydell:
It's in several pieces on my floor.

Casey McCall:
Kim said there was an emergency.

Dan Rydell:
It *is* an emergency.

Casey McCall:
Is it your mom?

Dan Rydell:
What's wrong with my mom?

Casey McCall:
I'm askin'.

Dan Rydell:
It's not my mom.

Casey McCall:
Well, what is it?

Dan Rydell:
Why did you say it was my mom?

Casey McCall:
I didn't say it was your mom.

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, but you jumped to that right away, which makes me think there's something wrong with my mom. Casey, what's wrong with my mom?

Isaac:
What was I saying?

Dana Whitaker:
You were building a dungeon to incarcerate any Republican suitors.

Isaac:
And a moat - a *big* moat.

[Talking about his writer's block]

Dan Rydell:
And I wanna ask for your patience and support during this period.

[Natalie splashes water in his face]

Dan Rydell:
Okay. Why did that happen?

Natalie Hurley:
Shock therapy.

Dan Rydell:
Shock therapy.

Natalie Hurley:
Leave this to me. I'm gonna knock the writer's block right outta you.

Dan Rydell:
By throwing water in my face?

Natalie Hurley:
By surprising you with the unexpected. That was step one. There's not gonna be anymore water.

Dan Rydell:
What's step two?

[She splashes water in his face again]

Dan Rydell:
I thought you said there wasn't going to be anymore water?

Natalie Hurley:
It was surprising and unexpected.

Dan Rydell:
Yes it was.

Casey McCall:
Hey, look who's here.

Gordon:
Hey Casey.

Casey McCall:
Hey Gordon. Look, Dana told me you were a little down about the verdict in your trial, so I just wanted you to know I'm not gonna do any jokes. I'm not gonna give you a hard time.

Gordon:
I appreciate it.

Casey McCall:
So, this party at Gracie Mansion, must be going pretty late.

Gordon:
Yeah, we'll catch the tail end of it.

Casey McCall:
Do you think the Mayor's gonna chew you out for so spectacularly blundering the case?

Gordon:
I don't actually work for the Mayor. I work for the US Department of Justice.

Casey McCall:
And a hell of a year you guys have been having.

Gordon:
You know Casey, I really won't deny this hasn't been my finest hour. But there's really nothing you can say that's gonna rattle me. I'm just happy to be here, happy to be talking to you, happy to be having sex with Dana every night.

Casey McCall:
You know, it really wasn't my intention to discuss any Dana related matters, no. I was just reading this New York Times Piece on the forensic evidence, the ballistics match, the eyewitnesses, and the seventy eight hours worth of wiretaps, a portion of which included the defendant saying, "I killed him. I killed him. I killed him dead." And was wondering what the heck a fella has to do to get thrown in jail on your watch.

Gordon:
Well, about I run you through an IRS audit and we find out?

Casey McCall:
You got nothing on me, counselor. I live my life clean as my mother's kitchen floor.

Gordon:
Is that your name up on a Monday Night Football office pool?

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Gordon:
Are you familiar with Federal Section Code 4 of the Rico Act?

Casey McCall:
No.

Gordon:
Then before I decide to subpoena your whole family, why don't you go write your television show and leave the smarty-boy remarks to those of us with postgraduate degrees?

Casey McCall:
Ok.

Jeremy Goodwin:
It cannot, it MUST not rain at Indian Wells.

Natalie Hurley:
*I* broke up with *you* there, Mr. "Obviously has a short-term memory loss with a myriad of other problems which I won't even go into but thinks that he broke up with me because of the short-term memory loss which is so obvious".

Jeremy Goodwin:
No need to be formal. I've seen you naked. Call me Jeremy.

Dana Whitaker:
Here are the rules.

Casey McCall:
I know the rules.

Dana Whitaker:
We're gonna go over the rules.

Casey McCall:
I know the rules.

Dana Whitaker:
Yeh, but what's the fun of playing a game if you're not going to go over the rules.

Casey McCall:
Yes, that's the fun part.

Dana Whitaker:
The following are the rules.

Casey McCall:
You're such a loser.

Dana Whitaker:
All predictions must be made before the commissioner reaches the podium.

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay, those were the rules.

Casey McCall:
Can we go over that first one again ?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Fire me.

Isaac:
What?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Fire me. Do it now.

Isaac:
Why?

Jeremy Goodwin:
I'm a bad worker.

Isaac:
No you're not.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I come late. I leave early.

Isaac:
You come early and you stay late. You come in on your days off.

Jeremy Goodwin:
And isn't *that* a little weird?

Isaac:
Oh, yeah.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well then that's enough, Isaac. Fire me!

Jeremy Goodwin:
How can it be raining at Indian Wells?

Isaac:
Maybe it's the rainy season.

Jeremy Goodwin:
[patiently] Indian Wells is a desert, Isaac. If deserts had a rainy season they'd be called something else.

Isaac:
Fair point.

Isaac:
I'm not firing you.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I say things behind your back.

Isaac:
No you don't.

Jeremy Goodwin:
It's behind your back, Isaac. There's no way you'd know.

Isaac:
It'd get back to me.

Jeremy Goodwin:
No these things are too terrible and I can't live with the guilt. I'll save you the trouble of firing me and simply offer my resignation.

Isaac:
I won't except it.

Jeremy Goodwin:
You have to except it.

Isaac:
You have a contract.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Then fire me.

Isaac:
No!

[pause]

Jeremy Goodwin:
I'm a racist.

Isaac:
Really?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yeah! I'm a terrible racist. But I've been in the closet all these years and I've decided I need to live an honest life. And I think all those people with the different skin colors and the funny accents should go back where they came from and leave America to the white people who killed the Indians in the first place, which they deserved.

Isaac:
Jeremy...

Jeremy Goodwin:
The whole country's being taken over by the blacks and the Jews.

Isaac:
You're Jewish!

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well, I've gotta be stopped, Isaac!

Jeremy Goodwin:
If not now, when? If not me, then who?

Casey McCall:
Later, and somebody else?

Dan Rydell:
You know I was this close to being drafted as a wide receiver.

Casey McCall:
Really? What happened?

Dan Rydell:
I... never actually played organized ball. And even if I had, I wasn't fast enough to be a wide receiver.

Casey McCall:
But other than that...

Dan Rydell:
This close, my friend.

Casey McCall:
Dan, I'm told at the scouting combine last summer that Papajon ran the 40-Yard Dash in 4.4 seconds. That's pretty fast for someone his size.

Dan Rydell:
That's fast for someone anyone's size, although I suppose any play designed for an offensive lineman to run 40 yards is probably ill-conceived

Dan Rydell:
Eli's Coming.

Casey McCall:
Eli?

Dan Rydell:
From the Three Dog Night song.

Casey McCall:
Yes?

Dan Rydell:
Eli is something bad, a darkness.

Casey McCall:
"Eli's coming. Hide your heart, girl." Eli is a inveterate womanizer. I think you're getting the song wrong.

Dan Rydell:
I know I'm getting the song wrong. But, when I first heard it, that's what I thought it meant. Things stick with you that way.

Dan Rydell:
What are you, nuts? Huh? Are you- are you- are you just some... nutty-nut girl who's nuts?

Dan Rydell:
They say it's always calmest before the storm. That's not true. I'm a serious sailor. It isn't calm before the storm. Stuff happens.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Maybe he stopped off.

Dana Whitaker:
Where?

Jeremy Goodwin:
For a pretzel.

Dana Whitaker:
I'm serious. He was supposed to be ...

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well, he has been in Europe for 2 weeks. He hasn't had a decent pretzel. Maybe he stopped off and that was the cause for the delay.

Dana Whitaker:
And how long does it take to buy a pretzel?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well, you've punctured a hole in my theory.

Natalie Hurley:
Also, Bobbi isn't here yet.

Jeremy Goodwin:
She called from the car.

Dana Whitaker:
And?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Stopped off for a pretzel.

Dana Whitaker:
What's the rule on when do you call the police?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Well, at my house it was 15 minutes after school let out.

Dan Rydell:
What's wrong with Jack?

Dana Whitaker:
He's sick.

Dan Rydell:
How sick?

Dana Whitaker:
He's got flu-like symptoms.

Dan Rydell:
Oh honestly, who doesn't?

Dana Whitaker:
Isaac's gonna want to show us pictures from his vacation so I'm going to get a welcome back cake and we'll have a little party in his office tomorrow.

Casey McCall:
What kind of cake?

Dana Whitaker:
What kind of cake?

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
I don't know Casey - why do you ask?

Casey McCall:
I'm particular about cake. And I have to say it's been my experience that men buy better cake than women. I've found that women tend to get these yogurt-frosted low-cal things laced with a rum and fruit concoction that make eating cake into something you do to be polite. So that's why I was asking what kind of cake you were planning on getting to celebrate Isaac returning from vacation.

Dana Whitaker:
Wow, I didn't know you felt so strongly about, but now that I do I guess the answer is - whatever cake I damn please.

Casey McCall:
Excellent.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I understand what makes a woman think that any man is better than nothing. I'll just never understand what makes a woman think she's got nothing.

Dan Rydell:
Is this one of those times when you say you don't want to talk about it, but you really do?

Casey McCall:
No, but it's shaping up to be one of those times when I say I don't want to talk about it, but we end up talking about it anyway.

Dan Rydell:
Hey, Sally, you must have slept with this guy Fedrigotti. How long you think he can keep at this?

Sally Sasser:
I was just thinking, "It's been such a long time since Dan said something charming to me," and then there it was.

Dan Rydell:
I've got the intellectual property cops crawling up my butt.

Isaac:
The intellectual property cops?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah.

Isaac:
Are crawling up your butt?

Dan Rydell:
The heat's all over me.

Isaac:
What the hell are you talkin' about, Dan?

Dan Rydell:
I sang happy birthday to Casey on air.

Isaac:
When?

Dan Rydell:
Well, on his birthday, Isaac...

Isaac:
Someone holds the copyright to "Happy Birthday"?

Dan Rydell:
The representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill.

Isaac:
Took two people to write that song?

Dan Rydell:
Go figure.

Casey McCall:
And Tanana, who obviously can't see the end zone marker under the virgin snow, breaks into his touchdown dance on the ten-yard line, only to be given a geography lesson by linebacker Marvin Watkins. That's an incredibly embarrassing moment for any professional athlete, so, when we come back, we're gonna show it to you a couple of more times, if only so that I can keep saying "virgin snow."

Dan Rydell:
No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.

Isaac:
Our lawyers understand the value of a healthy hunch. It's $400 an hour, plus court costs.

Casey McCall:
Listen to me. There is a fly in the studio, and this is not a normal-sized fly. It's a jumbo fly. It has made a habit, now, of flying into my monitors at a great velocity. You would think that at this velocity it would blow apart on impact, but apparently this fly has some sort of protective coating that allows it to come right back at me.

Isaac:
Protective coating?

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
Does the fly have any other special powers?

Casey McCall:
No. Well, Jeremy thinks it might have some sort of stealth capability.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay, Dan, here's the thing. You're gonna be 15 seconds short on the Bucks/Pacers game. I have two options for you. Option one is that the attendance at the game, 11,323, turns out to be exactly the same as the population of...

Jeremy Goodwin:
Hoisington, Kansas.

Dana Whitaker:
Hoisington, Kansas.

Dan Rydell:
And option two?

Dana Whitaker:
Talk slower.

Dan Rydell:
By the way, do you know what you got me for my birthday? A box of Mallomars.

Casey McCall:
You like Mallomars.

Dan Rydell:
I love Mallomars, but these weren't $2, 500 Mallomars.

Casey McCall:
They were good Mallomars.

Dan Rydell:
They were fine Mallomars. All I'm saying is you could have had the four remaining Spice Girls serve them to me in hot pants - I still say I got gypped.

Dana Whitaker:
Do you know what I do when I feel I'm about to lose it a little? I buy a lamp.

Casey McCall:
Well lady, you must have one well lit apartment because you turned a corner somewhere.

Casey McCall:
[to Dana] Hey, I apologize for nothing! No, that's not true, I apologize for some things. A few things. Several things. I apologize for half of things.

[During the Y2K test]

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy? Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
It's gonna be okay.

Dana Whitaker:
Is ALL the power out?

Jeremy Goodwin:
What do you mean?

Dana Whitaker:
Is all the POWER out?

Jeremy Goodwin:
No, of course not.

Dana Whitaker:
What'd we lose?

Jeremy Goodwin:
We lost the control room.

Dana Whitaker:
Yes.

Jeremy Goodwin:
And the studio.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay.

Jeremy Goodwin:
The newsroom and the offices, editing, graphics, engineering, sound.

Dana Whitaker:
Is anything working?

Jeremy Goodwin:
No.

Dana Whitaker:
I thought you said we didn't lose all power.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I thought you meant in the whole city.

[During the Y2K practice run]

Casey McCall:
Zamfir, master of the pan flute, was 26-for-32 in passing...

Dave:
Cue graphics.

Chris:
Graphics are up.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Graphics are up, my good friends. As sure as the sun sets in the west, as sure as there will always be an England, the graphics are up.

Dana Whitaker:
Natalie?

Natalie Hurley:
Yeah.

Dana Whitaker:
Way too much sugar for him lately.

Natalie Hurley:
I know.

Casey McCall:
For more on that, we take you to our ship's purser, Gopher Smith, who's standing by on the Lido deck. Gopher?

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy... I'm honestly sorry.

Jeremy Goodwin:
There's no point in assigning blame.

Elliott:
What happened?

Jeremy Goodwin:
It was Dana's fault!

[During the Y2K test]

Dan Rydell:
Good evening from New York City I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall. Those stories plus Luciano Pavarotti shocks the track world by running the 100m in 6 seconds, my mother hits for the cycle and Martina Hingis sings selections from 'No, No, Nanette'.

Casey McCall:
You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.

[During the Y2K test]

Casey McCall:
Thank you Gopher. We're just getting started here on 'Dan and Casey's Dance Fever'. We're going to take a commercial break, so stay with us.

Natalie:
Dana, stop sacking Dave.

Dana Whitaker:
My brother can beat up your brother.

Natalie:
My brother's a grad student in comparative literature. My mother could beat up my brother.

Dana Whitaker:
I really just came up here to get some drinks for my friends.

The Stranger:
I have no reason not to believe you.

Dana Whitaker:
I'm just saying I'm not in a mood to be bought a drink by a guy in a suit.

The Stranger:
I'm not wearing a suit. For that matter I wasn't offering you a drink.

Dana Whitaker:
Yeah? You left your Wall Street office at 8:30, went to your two-bedroom on the East Side and changed into your "I don't always wear a suit" clothes.

The Stranger:
I don't live on the East Side

Dana Whitaker:
If you live on the West Side, then you're stuck back in college.

The Stranger:
I live in Paris.

Dana Whitaker:
[Laughs] France?

The Stranger:
Yeah. Sometimes Seattle. Sometimes Chicago. Sometimes Tokyo. Sometimes St. Bart's.

Dana Whitaker:
Tell me... Seriously, are there women who believe you when you say that?

The Stranger:
Not many. So, Dana, I couldn't help overhearing you and your friends a while ago.

Dana Whitaker:
We're sitting on the other side of the restaurant.

The Stranger:
Yeah. I wouldn't worry about a Time Warner takeover.

Dana Whitaker:
[Long pause] You wouldn't, huh?

The Stranger:
They'll kick out when the stock hits 27.

Dana Whitaker:
How did you know my name?

The Stranger:
The bartender said it.

Dana Whitaker:
No he didn't.

The Stranger:
Sure he did. How else would I know it?

[Elliot brings Dan flowers]

Elliot:
These are for you.

Dan Rydell:
Elliot, look, last night, seriously, I was talking to Kim. I was doing a little thing...

Elliot:
They're not from me.

Dan Rydell:
Like it'd kill you to give me flowers once in a while?

[Dan's trying to convince Casey to take a job in L.A]

Dan Rydell:
Same show, bigger audience, sunshine, Pacific Ocean, new car, Laker Girls, plus the L.A. Philharmonic with Mr. Esa-Pekka Salonen at the podium. You know where he's from?

Casey McCall:
Helsinki.

Dan Rydell:
That's right. You know where that is?

Casey McCall:
Finland.

Dan Rydell:
That's right.

[Dan has just received flowers]

Dan Rydell:
"R.W." It says, "R.W."

Casey McCall:
What else does it say?

Dan Rydell:
Just says, "R.W." [pause] Robert Wagner has sent me flowers.

[On air]

Dan Rydell:
Caller, how much experience do you have coaching at the major league level?

Caller:
Well, I never coached pro ball, or anything.

Dan Rydell:
Semi-pro?

Caller:
No.

Dan Rydell:
College?

Caller:
No.

Dan Rydell:
Okay, Joe Torre's been coaching baseball for about 430 years. You gotta girlfriend?

Caller:
Nnn-no.

Dan Rydell:
This is why. You interested in buying Continental Corp?

Caller:
No.

Dan Rydell:
Okay, then we're hanging up now.

Casey McCall:
[closing the Show] Thats all for us tonight. Remember please, if you are going out on a date and you want to impress someone. "Its a Dog Eat Dog World " not a " Doggy Dog World ".

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy, one day you'll see that my love for you isn't the product of liquor-induced mood swings and that I'm yours for the taking at your command. And that the day I broke up with your was the most regrettable day of my life.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Okay. But I broke up with you.

Natalie Hurley:
I find you loathsome, and my hatred of you knows no bounds.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Okay.

Dan Rydell:
I think I could take him.

Casey McCall:
Yeah, to lunch, maybe.

Natalie Hurley:
Hello.

Jeremy Goodwin:
AHHH!

Natalie Hurley:
Why'd you scream?

Jeremy Goodwin:
I meant to say hi.

Natalie Hurley:
What happened?

Jeremy Goodwin:
I misspoke.

Casey McCall:
Sam, everything's cool. I've got her panties right here in my side pocket.

Sam Donovan:
Okay.

[Casey walks off and Dana walks up]

Sam Donovan:
Hi, Dana.

Dana Whitaker:
And as for you, you see, you don't control my world. I happen to not be wearing any panties right now. And if you had a thousand guesses, you couldn't tell me where they were.

Sam Donovan:
Casey's side pocket.

[pause]

Dana Whitaker:
Damnit.

Casey McCall:
Hey, you wanna get involved with this?

Dan Rydell:
I so don't.

Casey McCall:
You used to care about these things.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
And it wasn't that long ago that you did.

Dan Rydell:
No.

Casey McCall:
I mean, it was, like, yesterday.

Dan Rydell:
Right.

Casey McCall:
Now, when I say "yesterday", I am not speaking metaphorically. I mean, it was yesterday. What happened to your values?

Dan Rydell:
I find that maintaining them is a lot of work. I take a day off every now and then.

Casey McCall:
You take a vacation from doing the right thing?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah. I don't loot storefronts or anything, but once in a while, when I consider the effort it takes to diligently adhere to a moral compass, I take myself out of the lineup and I rest for the next game.

Casey McCall:
I swear, you can run for congress and win.

Natalie:
Right now, this second, how much do you love me?

Dan Rydell:
I'm thinking seriously about doing it.

Kim:
I wouldn't.

Dan Rydell:
I'm thinking seriously about it. What do you think?

Elliott:
I wouldn't.

Dan Rydell:
Guys?

Chris:
No.

Dave:
It's not a good idea.

Will:
I wouldn't do it.

Dan Rydell:
I want this now. This is important to me. I'm an adult and I wanna grow a goatee.

Evans:
This is a third place show on a fourth place network.

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, but that's all gonna change once I grow a goatee.

Casey McCall:
He's just crazy enough to do it, too.

Evans:
This is a third place show on a fourth place network.

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, but that's all gonna change once I grow a goatee.

Casey McCall:
He's just crazy enough to do it too.

Dan Rydell:
You don't get to decide what the high road is, okay? You're not that guy. From time to time I call one on my own.

Casey McCall:
You're a woman, you know that? I'm gonna stick you under a hair dryer.

Dana Whitaker:
[enters] You are a sleazy, slimey, adolescent, oversexed, overpaid blowhole!

Dan Rydell:
[pause] Which one of us are you talking to?

Dan Rydell:
Casey.

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Who's been calling your calves "shapely"?

Casey McCall:
My mom.

Dan Rydell:
Okay. Don't talk to me for the rest of the show.

Dana Whitaker:
Please lower your voice. I do not want your tawdry tales of office lust infecting my news room.

Kim:
Casey?

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Elliott:
We'd like to hear them.

Dana Whitaker:
What do you think about film?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Oh, I'd definitely use some. I think you'll see a real difference.

Casey McCall:
Do you know what a bomb looks like?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Actually, I don't.

Casey McCall:
Does anyone? Chris?

Chris:
No.

Casey McCall:
Will?

Will:
No.

Casey McCall:
Dave?

Dave:
No.

Casey McCall:
But we're bettin' a *German Shepherd* can pick one out.

[During a bomb scare]

Casey McCall:
Is there anyone who can say anything that will make us feel like the smart thing to do is to stay in this building right now?

Dana Whitaker:
In ten minutes, three and a half million people will tune in to watch the two of you on television. Many of them will be women.

Casey McCall:
...All right.

Dan Rydell:
Why are you mad at me?

Rebecca:
Why were you avoiding me during the bomb scare?

Dan Rydell:
I wasn't avoiding you.

Rebecca:
You were. We were out on the street for over an hour. It was a perfectly good bomb scare.

Dan Rydell:
I tried to find you.

Rebecca:
No, you didn't. And every time I tried to find you, someone would say you had just left the place that someone else had just said you had been right before.

Dan Rydell:
That was a truly spectacular sentence.

Dan Rydell:
I was employing the covert ordnance tactics I learned.

Rebecca:
Where did you learn covert ordnance tactics?

Dan Rydell:
[sheepishly] 'Nam.

Rebecca:
Why were you avoiding me?

Dan Rydell:
Why?

Rebecca:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Take a wild, flailing shot in the dark. Take a ridiculous, nothing on the line, Hail Mary toss from the back court heave as to why I might be avoiding you.

Dan Rydell:
[referring to bombs after a bomb scare] What are the advanced ways they have of detecting these things?

Dana Whitaker:
Dan...

Dan Rydell:
What are the advanced ways?

Dana Whitaker:
Well, as I understand it, [pause] they use dogs.

Dan Rydell:
I'm outta here.

Casey McCall:
Right behind you.

Dana Whitaker:
Oh get ahold of yourselves, would ya?

Casey McCall:
Dogs?

Dana Whitaker:
Dogs. Yes. Specially-trained dogs.

Dan Rydell:
We want to meet them.

Dana Whitaker:
Guys...

Dan Rydell:
We want to meet the dogs right now.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay. And what will you say to the dogs when you meet them?

Dan Rydell:
She's got a decent point.

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
So, we're two likable guys, right?

Casey McCall:
I think so.

Dan Rydell:
I think we're very likeable.

Casey McCall:
I'm liked wherever I go.

Dan Rydell:
I'm liked wherever I go *and* wherever you go.

Casey McCall:
We're perfectly likeable.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

[Dan and Casey go about their work for a moment]

Casey McCall:
And yet somebody tried to blow us up.

Dan Rydell:
That's what I'm sayin'.

Natalie Hurley:
Does this include Seattle?

Chris:
Yes.

Will:
No.

Chris:
It does.

Will:
It doesn't.

Natalie Hurley:
The film from last night?

Chris:
Yes.

Natalie Hurley:
Seattle?

Chris:
Yes.

Natalie Hurley:
It does?

Chris:
It does.

Will:
It doesn't.

Natalie Hurley:
Dave.

Dave:
Hey, Betty, Wilma - is Seattle on the tape?

Jeremy Goodwin:
[Announcing to the staff] Natalie and I have broken up.

[Natalie shakes her head "no"]

Jeremy Goodwin:
We *have*!

Natalie Hurley:
In his head.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I put it in writing.

Natalie Hurley:
That's sweet.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Alright, just so you know, if I wanted to, *right now*, I could ask out other women.

Natalie Hurley:
No.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I could.

Natalie Hurley:
No.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Dana, would you like to go out with me?

Dana Whitaker:
I can't.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Why not?

Dana Whitaker:
You're seeing Natalie.

Jeremy Goodwin:
[shouting] That's it! I'm calling the police!

Will:
Loading F/X-5.

Chris:
F/X-5 *is* loaded.

Will:
No it's not.

Chris:
It's loaded.

Will:
'Cause I just loaded it now.

Dave:
I will kill you both with my hands.

Casey McCall:
Dan.

Dan Rydell:
Yep?

Casey McCall:
I just wanted to say that if anything terrible ever had to happen to one of us, I'd want it to be you.

Dan Rydell:
Thanks.

Isaac:
Oh, I know all about his problems. You know, the network knows about his problems, too. As a result of which they've become my problems and I'm saying that at the very most, I want them to be YOUR problems.

Jeremy:
The Knicks.

Dana:
Name three things.

Jeremy:
Improve their free-throw percentage...

Natalie:
Yes.

Jeremy:
Run the floor...

Dana:
Okay. One more.

Jeremy:
Tell Spike Lee to sit down and shut up?

Natalie:
Excellent!

Dana:
Well, welcome to Sports Night.

[Casey is considering quitting his job]

Casey McCall:
Look, I got into this because I like getting people to like sports. And I've turned into a PR man for punks and thugs. And any atrocity, no matter how ridiculous, or hideous, or childish, it doesn't matter. I make it sports. Ten-cent bagman whacks a skater's leg with a crowbar, that's sports. Second round draft pick gets cranky in a Houston bar, and that's sports. And let's not forget the mother of all great sports stories - a double homicide in Brentwood.

Dana Whitaker:
Name three things the Knicks need to do this season to make it to the finals.

Jeremy Goodwin:
uhm... I couldn't get another question?

Dana Whitaker:
You will, but not until I hear an answer to the first one.

Jeremy Goodwin:
What do the Knicks...?

Dana Whitaker:
Three things the Knicks need to do to contend.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Miss Whitaker, I would be great at this job. You got to believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and their wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every newspaper that's printed in English and has a sports section, and I have seen Sports Night every night since your first broadcast two years, two months and a week ago today. Now yes, sure, indeed, I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field and that you're not gonna stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket. And put any defensive pressure on Charley Ward he's gonna fold like a cheap card table. But if you asking me for genuinely sophisticated analyses, and I SENSE that you are, you gotta give me some time, at least twenty minutes.

Isaac:
I really gotta admire the way you manhandled my staff this morning, J.J.

J.J.:
Look, Isaac, I have a specific ...

Isaac:
Look... don't take me on.

Dana Whitaker:
I love producing Sports Night. I live from eleven to midnight and the rush is so huge, I don't come down 'till three o'clock in the morning. I love doing Sports Night, and you used to, too.

Casey McCall:
Natalie, if you shout into a microphone when I'm wearing an earpiece, it poses the question "Is there a decibel level at which the human head will just, you know, explode?"

Dan Rydell:
Why are we quoting high-level sources inside the Swiss Olympic Committee on Helsinki's bid for the 2010 Olympics?

Dana Whitaker:
What's the problem?

Dan Rydell:
Helsinki's in Finland.

Dana Whitaker:
Really?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah. Don't worry. I got it.

Dana Whitaker:
Are you sure?

Dan Rydell:
Am I sure that Helsinki's in Finland? Yeah. I'm quite sure.

Will:
I thought it was in Sweden.

Chris:
It says "unnamed Swiss Olympic officials."

Natalie Hurley:
[shouting] Graphics, which is it? Sweden or Switzerland?

Casey McCall:
It's in FINLAND!

Casey McCall:
He's made eight field goal attempts in three games and has connected in the grand total of none of them.

Elliot:
Oh, I've met him. He's a good guy.

Casey McCall:
He can't kick.

Natalie Hurley:
He IS a good guy.

Casey McCall:
He can't kick.

Natalie Hurley:
He'll get picked up by another team.

Casey McCall:
No he won't. You know why?

Elliot:
Why?

Casey McCall:
Cause he can't kick!

J.J.:
Can't we find a good-looking 22-year-old American who might actually win?

Dana Whitaker:
Well, if you find him, send him over to my place.

Casey McCall:
I speak four languages!

Dan Rydell:
You speak three languages.

Casey McCall:
I speak four languages.

Dan Rydell:
You speak German, French, and Italian.

Casey McCall:
I dabble in a little English.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Mrs. Whitaker, I would be great at this job. You've got to believe me when I tell you I've been training my whole life for it. I've crunched stats, I've broken down film, and there wasn't a team at my high school that didn't have me for an equipment manager. I have read every box score in every newspaper that's printed in English and has a sports section, and I have seen "Sports Night" every night since your first broadcast, two years, two months, and a week ago today. Now, yes, sure, indeed. I can tell you what Ewing and Oakley are shooting from the field, and that you're not gonna stop John Starks if he squares up to the basket, and put any defensive pressure on Charlie Ward, he's gonna fold like a cheap card table, but if you're asking me for genuinely sophisticated analyses, and I sense that you are, you gotta give me some time, at least twenty minutes. Did that make any sense?

Calvin Trager:
Anybody who can't make money off Sports Night should get out of the money-making business.

The Stranger:
Do you feel responsible for the show failing?

Dana Whitaker:
The show didn't fail. The man I work for, a guy named Isaac Jaffee... he took a chance on me, and I didn't rise to meet his... expectations. And there are people who work for me who needed me to be a better field captain. The *show* didn't fail. But I do feel responsible, and that's gonna have to be all right with you.

The Stranger:
You know what would make you feel better right now?

Dana Whitaker:
Really, nothing.

The Stranger:
You don't want to hear what I think would make you feel better?

Dana Whitaker:
I really don't.

The Stranger:
In the three day history of our relationship, have I been wrong about anything?

Dana Whitaker:
Look...

The Stranger:
Dana, I'm what the world considers to be a phenomenally succesful man, and I've failed much more than I've succeeded. And each time I fail, I get my people together, and I say, "Where are we going?" And it starts to get better.

Dana Whitaker:
[out of breath] Is your name...

The Stranger:
Dana, what...

Dana Whitaker:
Is your name...

The Stranger:
What the hell happened?

Dana Whitaker:
I had to run from... I think I'm hyperventilating.

The Stranger:
Jack, you got a paper bag?

Dana Whitaker:
Is your name...

The Stranger:
Stop talking.

Dana Whitaker:
I just need your water.

[downs his drink in one gulp]

The Stranger:
That was a gin martini.

Dana Whitaker:
Yes. I know that now. Is your name Calvin Trager?

The Stranger:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
There was something that was big and you invented something that made it small?

The Stranger:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
You own Quo Vadimus.

The Stranger:
Yes.

Dana Whitaker:
You bought Continental Corp?

The Stranger:
Turns out I picked up a few more shares of stock, yeah.

Dana Whitaker:
Why didn't you tell me?

The Stranger:
I just wrote a check for 18 billion dollars Dana. My scouting says you don't keep a secret so good.

[Realized that he got flowers from Rebecca]

Dan Rydell:
She walks out of my life a year ago. She walks back in with cards and a flower.

[Isaac has told Dana about a new bid from Quo Vadimus. Dana is "not" telling Dan and Casey]

Dana Whitaker:
Isaac doesn't trust that when he tells me something, I can be cool. He thinks it's gonna spread around and the information'll get all twisted and I'm going to show him he's wrong.

[Back in Isaac's office]

Isaac Jaffe:
Three, two, one...

Jeremy Goodwin:
Isaac, I don't know if you heard. Six this morning there was a bid from an Italian airline called Platypus.

Isaac Jaffe:
Yeah. Keep it under your hat, would you?

Rebecca Wells:
Would you like to take me to dinner?

Dan Rydell:
I just got hit in the head with a ladder. I gotta buy you food now?

Casey McCall:
They welcome the Tigers to The House That Ruth Built this evening.

Dan Rydell:
Excuse me, Casey, but Ruth didn't build the house *this* evening, did he?

Casey McCall:
No, Dan, and thank you very much for correcting my every mistake, no matter how small, oh, these many years.

Dan Rydell:
What are friends for?

Casey McCall:
Annoying the hell out of you?

Dana Whitaker:
That's your only advice?

Natalie Hurley:
No, I have other advice.

Dana Whitaker:
What?

Natalie Hurley:
[pause] That was my only advice.

Isaac:
[to J.J] I find out that quote in the Journal came from you, I'm gonna own your ass. I mean I'll absolutely own it.

Dana Whitaker:
The truth is, I have a job that involves me, and stimulates me, and rewards me, and takes up a lot of my time, and I'm not willing to do my job just a little bit. I want to do ALL of it. It's part of me, and I'm different without it. And that is who I am, and that is who you need to love.

Isaac:
When I say something, I put my name next to it.

Dana Whitaker:
Does 20B have film?

Natalie Hurley:
The end of the Michigan game?

Dana Whitaker:
Yeah.

Natalie Hurley:
Not yet.

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy? We don't have film on the end of the Michigan game?

Jeremy Goodwin:
No.

Dana Whitaker:
Why not?

Jeremy Goodwin:
We're waiting for them to *play* the end of the Michigan game.

Jeremy Goodwin:
[Jeremy is explaining his fears of his upcoming trip to Natalie's family] I'm Jewish. And her family is, you know, incredibly not. Which isn't by the way any sort of a problem for me, but I do think it might be a problem for them, because, after all there are those who think I killed their Lord, Jesus Christ. Not me directly mind you, I didn't drive the getaway car or anything. In fact, my family's from Latvia so we've got a pretty solid alibi.

Dan Rydell:
You're nineteen feet tall, why are you wearing heels?

Sally Sasser:
Are you feeling diminutive?

Dan Rydell:
No, but now I have to look up that word.

Isaac:
When I was 11, I had a pet fish that died.

Dana Whitaker:
And what does that have to do with Gordon standing me up?

Isaac:
Nothing, I thought you were finished.

Isaac:
Oh my God, were you talking to *me* all that time?

Jeremy Goodwin:
You want me to start again?

Isaac:
Yeah, but first, could you just hit me over the head with that blunt instrument over there?

Natalie Hurley:
This is one of those moments I'm compelled to tell you how wonderful you are. Every once in a while, I'm reminded how lucky I am to be dating a solid, mature man.

[Jeremy nods, smiling, but not opening his mouth]

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy, swallow the eggnog.

Jeremy Goodwin:
[Letting the eggnog dribble down his chin] I just can't.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Jesus said, "Behold my hands and my feet, that it is myself. Handle me and see, for a spirit hath not flesh and bones, as ye see me have."

Isaac:
What's your question?

Jeremy Goodwin:
This relates to the bunny rabbit how?

Casey McCall:
Don't take my friendship with Dana for granted.

Gordon:
What do you mean?

Casey McCall:
I know you think I'm in love with her. I know she thinks I'm in love with her. And that's all fine, so long as it's fun and games. But I want you to know Dana's important to me. I've known her a long time and I like her a lot. And there are certain lengths I'd go to to avoid seeing her get hurt in any way.

Gordon:
What's on your mind, Casey?

Casey McCall:
You're wearing my shirt, Gordon.

[an interviewee is bad-mouthing New York]

Jeremy Goodwin:
This is too much. Casey, throw him a rope.

Dana Whitaker:
Don't throw him a rope, Casey.

Shane McArnold:
And you guys speak, like what, fourteen different languages, or something?

Casey McCall:
But still, you gotta be excited about playing at the stadium, huh?

Dana Whitaker:
He threw him a rope.

Shane McArnold:
Not really.

Jeremy Goodwin:
And he's wrapping it around his neck.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Natalie, listen to me. You've lost a lot of money to me tonight. You're basically gonna be living the rest of your life on a charitable grant from the Jeremy Goodwin Foundation. Take the hundred bucks back and fold.

Natalie Hurley:
Scared?

Jeremy Goodwin:
I've got a straight, you've got three sevens.

Natalie Hurley:
You don't have a straight.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Look at me. I'm not lying to you. I have a straight.

Natalie Hurley:
How do you know I don't have a big house?

Jeremy Goodwin:
A FULL house. Dan already folded the six you needed, and I have the other one. You don't have a house of any sort, you don't have a pup tent. You've got trip sevens, and I have a straight. I want you to trust me right now. I want you to say to yourself, yeah, I've dated a string of jerks in my life, they were stupid, they were mean to me, but maybe this one's different. Maybe I should take a chance and not adopt the break-up-with-him-before-he-breaks-my-heart strategy. I want you to remember that when I started liking you, I didn't stop liking tennis. And I want you to know that I don't think there's a woman in the world that you need to be threatened by, no matter how glamorous you think she is. But mostly, I want you to trust me, just once, when I tell you that you have three sevens, and I have a straight.

[during a poker game]

Dana Whitaker:
Shoe money tonight!

Isaac:
Would you stop that?

Dan Rydell:
Either of you interested in participating in the sport of kings?

Dana Whitaker:
We're gonna race horses?

Dan Rydell:
We're gonna play poker.

Dana Whitaker:
That's not the sport of kings.

Dan Rydell:
What's the sport of kings?

Dana Whitaker:
Racing horses.

Dan Rydell:
What's poker the sport of?

Dana Whitaker:
It's the sport of people who play poker.

Casey McCall:
[on the air] So don't adjust that dial; and, while we're gone, if any talking animals ask you to buy some tacos or beer - for God's sake, do what they tell you. You've been watching Sports Night on CSC. Have a good night.

Dan Rydell:
[Dan is "in the zone."] You know what they say?

Casey McCall:
About what?

Dan Rydell:
About money won.

Casey McCall:
[with gusto] *What* do they say?

Dan Rydell:
I don't know; I'm asking.

Casey McCall:
They say it's twice as sweet as money earned.

Dan Rydell:
How come you said, "What do they say?"

Casey McCall:
Eh, it was an alley-oop pass; I was dishing you the ball.

Dan Rydell:
[with awe] You *were*... and I completely missed it.

Casey McCall:
Eh, I was there for the put-back.

Dan Rydell:
I wouldn't have been able to do anything with it anyway...

Casey McCall:
That's right.

Dan Rydell:
...because I didn't know the expression.

Casey McCall:
Not only that, but it was like half an hour ago, and we're still talking about it.

Dan Rydell:
[stops; Casey keeps walking] Uh-oh.

[Casey stops, turns around, and looks at Dan]

Casey McCall:
[smugly] You're not in the zone any more, are you?

Dan Rydell:
[looks lost] Not in the zone.

Casey McCall:
Lost the zone.

Dan Rydell:
I'm down here with the rest of you!

Casey McCall:
Let's play cards. Come on!

Natalie Hurley:
[Jeremy is beating Natalie at poker] Of my entire roster of boyfriends - and it is, believe me, quite the *lengthy* list - *you* are my least favorite.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Hey, I'm just happy to be on the team.

Dana Whitaker:
Whoa there, Huckleberry, come on back to the stable.

Casey McCall:
I'm just sayin' that it's hard not to notice that the woman's body was put together by a technichian very close to God.

Dana Whitaker:
A technician close to God?

Casey McCall:
Not God himself, but certainly a high level staff person. A senior VP.

Dan Rydell:
I say double down, what do you do ?

Casey McCall:
Can we stop ?

Dan Rydell:
I say double down, what do you do ?

Casey McCall:
How do you know you're in the zone ?

Dan Rydell:
[slams deck of cards down] Cut me.

Casey McCall:
Danny, I...

Dan Rydell:
Cut the cards.

Casey McCall:
Nine.

Dan Rydell:
Jack.

Casey McCall:
Seven.

Dan Rydell:
Eight.

Casey McCall:
[pauses] Queen.

Dan Rydell:
[pauses] Ace.

Casey McCall:
Dude, you are in the zone.

Dan Rydell:
I say double down...

Casey McCall:
I double my ass down.

Natalie Hurley:
Fellas, I've got some bad news.

Casey McCall:
There's no bad news tonight, Natalie. When the show comes down Danny and I are hopping a limo, heading down the Garden State Parkway and getting off at the exit clearly marked, The Zone.

Natalie Hurley:
That's great, Casey, but all those things you just said...

Casey McCall:
Yeh.

Natalie Hurley:
Not gonna happen.

Casey McCall:
Can we be men for a second?

Dan Rydell:
Alright, but just a second.

Casey McCall:
So, the name of this restaurant is Tony Anthony's... Anthony Anthony. In Cuba, Ricky Ricardo would've been Ricardo Ricardo.

Dana Whitaker:
You think at a certain point during the evening you'll say something wonderful to me and I'll melt, and that'll teach me for going out with Gordon instead of you.

Casey McCall:
I'll settle for you spilling something on yourself.

Dan Rydell:
[On the air] Our producer, Dana Whitaker, has asked me to fill for 15 seconds, but I honestly don't have anything to say.

Dana Whitaker:
[On the headset] Dan...

Dan Rydell:
She's begging me now.

Dana Whitaker:
Dan...

Dan Rydell:
Now she seems pretty mad.

Dana Whitaker:
Dan...

Dan Rydell:
You'd all like her a lot if you met her.

Dana Whitaker:
You're a funny boy, Daniel.

Dan Rydell:
And that was 15 seconds!

Casey McCall:
[Casey is practicing flirting] You're smoky.

Dana Whitaker:
I'm smoky?

Casey McCall:
You're smoky. You're a lot of other things too, but you're smoky.

Dana Whitaker:
I don't know what that means, but I like the sound of it. Tell me what it means.

Casey McCall:
It's hard to translate.

Dana Whitaker:
Try.

Casey McCall:
You'll make a joke.

Dana Whitaker:
We're flirting - it's okay.

Casey McCall:
Are we really flirting, or are you just pretending to be you flirting with me actually being me?

Dana Whitaker:
You think I'm smoky?

Casey McCall:
Classy. Impressive. Sexy. Was sexy going too far?

Dana Whitaker:
It was fine.

Casey McCall:
You're smoky.

Dana Whitaker:
Thank you.

Casey McCall:
What's your problem with Sally?

Dan Rydell:
Look at her. I don't think she's of this world.

Casey McCall:
You don't think she's of this world?

Dan Rydell:
I do not.

Casey McCall:
What world do you think she's of?

Dan Rydell:
She scares me. She's too good looking. Nobody's *that* good looking. I'm not that good looking.

Casey McCall:
Do you really think she was flirting with me?

Dan Rydell:
Her beauty comes from a very strange place. Have you noticed that?

Casey McCall:
The places her beauty comes from weren't that strange to me. I can identify almost all of them.

Dan Rydell:
Don't do it Casey. She's got an agenda.

Casey McCall:
You think she wants a job on "Sports Night"?

Dan Rydell:
No, I think she wants to rule all of Metropolis.

Casey McCall:
You see the job she does on "West Coast Update." She's a very skilled producer.

Dan Rydell:
Of course she's skilled. She's Satan's handmaiden!

Casey McCall:
She's not Satan's handmaiden.

Dan Rydell:
On the entire planet, have you ever seen anyone with eyes like that? Huh? She's a Stepford producer!

Casey McCall:
I say she's a very nice person.

Dan Rydell:
I say she has no reflection!

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes?

Dana Whitaker:
Tell me the story so far on UCLA/Arizona.

Jeremy Goodwin:
The story, Dana, is shooting percentage. Shooting percentage and offensive glass. Last I checked, UCLA was 12-for-24 from the field, 1-for-6 at the stripe. Arizona's press forced 12 turnovers, which led to 15 points. The 'cats, needless to say, were dominant in the paint, and McDuffy's got four fouls. That is the story.

Natalie:
Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes?

Dana Whitaker:
What's the score?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Wow.

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Devil's in the details.

[Sally's trying to get Dana's job]

Sally Sasser:
As we speak, one of your LC wireframes is misprocessing data while two of your associate producers stand over the monitor, attempting to have phone sex.

Isaac:
God, please don't tell me which two.

Sally Sasser:
Just think about it.

Isaac:
Alright. My guess is it's Jeremy and Natalie.

Dan Rydell:
This is science fiction. I'm all alone on this. I stand completely alone. Sally is an alien. Do you understand me? At night, she peels off her body and lives on Steve Guttenberg's boat.

Dana Whitaker:
Natalie?

Natalie:
Yeah?

Dana Whitaker:
You're thinking about how you'd redecorate my office right now, aren't you?

Natalie:
I was not.

Dana Whitaker:
Yes, you were.

Natalie:
I was totally not at all.

Dana Whitaker:
In your little mind, you were measuring for new curtains.

Natalie:
I was not measuring for curtains.

Dana Whitaker:
You'd keep the curtains?

Natalie:
And dump the plants.

Dana Whitaker:
Thank you.

Sally Sasser:
I think I'm the right person for the job.

Isaac:
Who's job?

Sally Sasser:
Dana's job.

Isaac:
No, Dana wants Dana's job.

Sally Sasser:
No, Dana's gonna have your job.

Isaac:
No, sadly, I'm gonna have my job.

Isaac:
I want to start grooming you.

Dana:
I don't understand.

Isaac:
You heard me.

Dana:
You want to start grooming me?

Isaac:
Yes.

Dana:
You'd better be talking about my hairstyle, Isaac.

Isaac:
Don't go nuts.

Dana:
I'm not going nuts, I'm just saying that's the only kind of grooming that I'm prepared to talk about at this particular moment.

Dan Rydell:
It's not time to dally with Sally.

Casey McCall:
Dan.

Dan Rydell:
That was an unfortunate rhyme.

Dana:
How do you know I even want your job?

Isaac:
Everybody wants my job.

Dana:
Not me. I think your job stinks. You get to create your own show and make all the decisions and have a big staff and make a lot of money. That's not for me, Isaac. I like to answer to people, I don't want to create. When I get a thought in my head I like it to die right there.

Isaac:
Things that I say in my office STAY in my office.

Dana Whitaker:
Natalie's my second-in-command, she's the only one I told.

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I told many, many people.

Isaac Jaffe:
...Furthermore, Dana, things that I tell you in my office stay in my office.

Dana Whitaker:
Well, Natalie's my second in command, she's the only one I told.

Natalie Hurley:
Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only one I told.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I told many, many people.

Isaac Jaffe:
While we do have many shows on this network, and there's nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, we are all a team here, and we will treat each other with respect.

Sally Sasser:
I think I speak for everyone on the 2 A.M. when I say that we have nothing but respect and admiration for each and every person at Sports Night.

Dan Rydell:
He's talking about you, ya freak...

Isaac Jaffe:
Thank you, Daniel.

Dan Rydell:
You could be having sex with Yoko Ono right now!

Natalie:
Men always think they can cover up their, you know, with this other thing. But women always know.

Jeremy Goodwin:
No they don't. And do you know why? Because women don't have special powers. Let's dispense with that theory right now. They don't have intuition, they don't have a sixth sense.

Dan Rydell:
I know we promised you soccer highlights, so let me just tell you that Columbus beat Miami one-nothing, Dallas beat San Jose one-nothing, Chicago beat Colorado one-nothing, and New England beat Kansas City 2-1 in an offensive slug fest. A modest proposal - make the nets bigger.

Dan Rydell:
You had a stroke.

Isaac:
Is that what that was?

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Isaac:
I thought it was bad swordfish.

Dan Rydell:
We got this right?

Casey McCall:
Good evening from New York city I'm blah blah blah along side...

Dan Rydell:
...blah blah blah. Those stories plus Tony Dinardio has a new job and he won't be wearing crimson. How 'bout that?

Casey McCall:
That's good.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Halfway around the world, a lone man has accomplished an extraordinary athletic feat.

Dan Rydell:
What?

Jeremy Goodwin:
I don't know.

Casey McCall:
No, I know I'm alone on this. I know the vast majority of people consider Jerry Falwell a spiritual pillar of great and gentle wisdom. I know that most people consider him a scholarly and tolerant man who would never judge others harshly just because they were different. I know that most people find his calm leadership to be a gentle, soothing beacon in a time of great social chaos. His guidance, for instance, on the great purple Teletubby matter was fraught with the kind of theological sophistication that only Jerry Falwell and a cafeteria full of sixth-graders could devise. I know, I'm going way out on a limb, but I think Jerry Falwell's a fatass. Who did I just offend? I'm eager to talk to them.

Dana Whitaker:
There are three things that I'm doing. [Counting on fingers] I'm losing things, I'm forgetting things... and there's a third one.

Dana Whitaker:
Folks! Before we start, I'd like to say I've been forgetting things, lately - losing things. I apologize in advance. You'll all know it when you see it. Anyway, that's all.

[Dana leaves the room and comes back]

Dana Whitaker:
We have a rundown meeting now.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Raj Rajhan edged a humble snorter to the slips, where Saurav Ganguly dived to his right to pick up a low snatch.

Natalie Hurley:
Dana, this is a fully grown man of enormous dignity and accomplishment. He's covered wars, and he's dined with kings, and he can't move the left side of his body, and he doesn't want us to see him like that.

Natalie Hurley:
I didn't wanna tell you before you went on the air.

Dan Rydell:
Didn't stop Rebecca.

Jeremy Goodwin:
That was my fault.

Dan Rydell:
Then you are my sworn enemy!

Jeremy Goodwin:
Dan ?

Dan Rydell:
I love you man. Give me a hug.

[Dan is told to "apologize" on the air for belonging to an organization that supports the legalization of marijuana]

Dan Rydell:
You think I should apologize?

Isaac:
No. But you're going to anyway.

Dan Rydell:
Why?

Isaac:
Because this is television and this is how it's done.

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, well, sitting in the back of the bus was how it was done until a forty-two year old lady moved up front. I'm not very impressed with how things are done, Isaac.

Isaac:
Be that as it may. We'll do it tonight. That's all, we're done.

Gilbert:
You know, you might...

Isaac:
We're done, Stanley.

Dan Rydell:
Well that was a lot of fun huh?

Isaac:
Yeah. Take thirty seconds before the second commercial break, then get us right back into the show.

Dan Rydell:
You know, I don't have any idea what I'm gonna say.

Isaac:
You'll think of something.

Dan Rydell:
I don't know what I'm supposed to say.

Isaac:
Apologize.

Dan Rydell:
To who?

Isaac:
Who cares? [pauses] Danny?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah?

Isaac:
You know I love you, don't you?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah.

Isaac:
And because I love you I can say this: no rich young white guy has ever gotten anywhere with me comparing himself to Rosa Parks. Got it?

Dan Rydell:
Yes sir.

Isaac:
Good.

Casey McCall:
Hey Isaac?

Isaac:
What?

Casey McCall:
You think I'm cool, don't you?

Isaac:
Do I look like I'm in the mood to do this with you now?

Casey McCall:
No.

Isaac:
Well then let's assume that I'm not.

Casey McCall:
No, I think you're just making them mad. [he sees Isaac standing behind Dan] I think Isaac, specifically, is mad.

Dan Rydell:
No, Isaac's on my team, Isaac understands me. Isaac has a highly developed sense of right and wrong and he is hip to my battle plan.

Casey McCall:
Danny, he's standing right behind you.

Dan Rydell:
[Dan jumps up quickly and turns to face Isaac] How ya doin'. Casey and I were just talking about your highly developed sense of right and wrong and I was saying that I -

Isaac:
Go sit your sorry ass down in that meeting!

Dan Rydell:
On my way, sir [runs out of the office]

Dan Rydell:
Now, if I'm nervous about anything, it's that I think I have a stalker.

Natalie Hurley:
A stalker?

Dan Rydell:
Mm-hmm.

Natalie Hurley:
Who?

Dan Rydell:
One of the "CSC Morning" aerobics women.

Natalie Hurley:
Sandy?

Dan Rydell:
Is her name Sandy?

Natalie Hurley:
Randy?

Dan Rydell:
Mandy.

Natalie Hurley:
Mandy.

Dan Rydell:
Madeline.

Casey McCall:
Natalie!

Dana Whitaker:
There's a lawyer over here with a guy from Standards & Practices.

Casey McCall:
We have standards and practices?

Dana Whitaker:
It's a whole wing of the ...

Casey McCall:
No, I mean, we have actual standards and practices?

Chase:
Our sponsors expect us to project an image of good health and clean living.

Dan Rydell:
I'll think about that the next time I'm reporting on how the Miller Genuine Draft car did in the Winston Cup.

Casey McCall:
Okay, this section here where the batter taps dirt off his shoe and spits four times...

Jeremy Goodwin:
We can't cut that!

Casey McCall:
Jeremy.

Jeremy Goodwin:
No, the storm clouds are gathering.

Casey McCall:
[sighs] Alright, just outta curiosity, what voiceover would you have me write for this moment?

Jeremy Goodwin:
What's wrong with "The Storm Clouds Are Gathering"?

Dan Rydell:
I have a younger brother named Sam. Sam's a genius. I mean, literally. As a kid, he tested off the charts. The first computer I ever had, he built from a kit he bought with money he earned tutoring other kids in math. He's energetic and articulate, curious and funny. A great source of pride to our parents. And there's no doubt that he'd be living a great life right now, except for that he's dead. Because when you're fourteen years old, all you ever really wanna be when you grow up is your sixteen-year-old brother. And in my case, that meant smoking a lot of dope. The day I went off to college was the day that Sam got his driver's license. And he celebrated by taking a drive with some of his friends. Drunk and high as a paper kite. He never saw the red light that he ran. And he probably never saw the eighteen-wheel truck that put him into the side of a brick bank, either.

[long pause]

Dan Rydell:
That was eleven years ago tonight. And I just wanted to say... I'm sorry, Sam. You deserved better in my hands. And I apologize.

Casey McCall:
Can I just say one more thing about the Starland Vocal Band?

Dan Rydell:
Sure.

Casey McCall:
1978, they win the Grammy for Best New Artist. You know who they beat? Elvis Costello. Now is it your belief that Elvis Costello isn't cool?

Dan Rydell:
No, it's my belief that the Grammy voters aren't cool.

Casey McCall:
Now they tell me.

Casey McCall:
What did he throw, Cut Man?

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
It was a right hook... with a bit of a jab.

Casey McCall:
A jabbing right hook?

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
That's right, Casey.

Casey McCall:
And he did it with his left hand?

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
This fighter's got remarkable skills. He's not to be trifled with, Casey.

Dana Whitaker:
It was never my intention to make you feel like there was something wrong with you that needed to be fixed. It was regrettable that I did that.

Casey McCall:
Well, the thing is, there's been fifteen years of it from you, Dana, and frankly, from my marriage, too, and I know you don't deserve the bill for that. But, uh... Well, I just wanna move on.

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
I'm right here at ringside at Bally's, where the breakfast buffet is $3.95, the slots are loose, and the showgirls are Fantastic!

Dana Whitaker:
Oh, my God.

Jeremy Goodwin:
No, I've been there. It's true.

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
So strap yourselves in, folks. We're in for the night. 12 rounds from here at Bally's Park Place, just a stone's throw down the boardwalk from where a new Miss America was crowned just a few months ago. Miss Rochester, I believe it was.

Dan Rydell:
Ok, well, Rochester's not a state, but we'll have somebody look that up.

Casey McCall:
No, it's a city, Cut Man, in upstate New York. Contestants in the Miss America pageant have to come from one of the 50 states.

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
Well, I hate to correct you on your own show, Casey, but there's 52 states with Alaska and Rhode Island.

Casey McCall:
Ok.

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
Though I'm no college professor, you see.

Dan Rydell:
That's almost hard to believe, Cut Man.

Dan Rydell:
Seven seconds.

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dan Rydell:
The fight lasted seven seconds.

Casey McCall:
The fight game is complex.

Dan Rydell:
The fight game sucks.

Casey McCall:
What should we talk about?

Dan Rydell:
What should we talk about?

Casey McCall:
In the analysis.

Dan Rydell:
The fight lasted seven seconds, Casey. We're going to have to go back to counting states.

Dan Rydell:
That's almost hard to believe, Cut Man.

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
Thank you, Casey.

Dan Rydell:
Hey Cut Man, you see that monitor underneath the camera?

Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel:
[Looks at the monitor] Yes, sir!

Dan Rydell:
[Points to himself] I'm Dan. [Points to Casey] He's Casey.

Dan Rydell:
We'll have more with Chuck 'The Cut Man' Kimmel coming up in just a moment, but for now: I'm Dan Rydell alongside Casey McCall, and if you're still watching, please give us a call and tell us why...

[Dan just found out that Isaac missed the "Shot heard 'round the world"]

Dan Rydell:
Were you bummed?

Isaac:
For a while. But then you get older, and it just joins all the other things in your life that happened while you were looking the other way.

Dan Rydell:
Did you see your daughter get born?

Isaac:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Did you see her graduate college?

Isaac:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Are you watching "Sports Night" tonight?

Isaac:
Yeah.

Dan Rydell:
Then shut up.

Isaac:
Yeah.

Casey McCall:
[on the air] It's a holiday weekend, so if you're driving out to the stadium tomorrow, please *please* remember to take your car.

Dan Rydell:
Okay, I don't think there's any way I could be colder.

Kim:
What if you were wet?

Dan Rydell:
I'd be very cold. But as cold as I'd be under that circumstance, I still don't think there'd be any discernable difference between how cold I'd be then and how cold I am now. That's how cold I am.

Casey McCall:
Soooo, you're cold?

Dan Rydell:
I'm pretty cold.

Dana Whitaker:
We're taking care of it.

Dan Rydell:
And if it's possible, I'd like to look just a little bit more like Elmer Fudd.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Natalie's right. If this is professional television, surely there's some kind of strict procedure that's followed when something like this happens.

Dana Whitaker:
Absolutely.

Jeremy Goodwin:
What is it?

Dana Whitaker:
Well, first, everyone, stand up and see if you're sitting on it.

Casey McCall:
[Holding up fingers] We were this close to beating Miami. This close. Do you know how many times we've beaten Miami?

Dan Rydell:
You've never beaten Miami.

Casey McCall:
We've never beaten Miami. Now who am I supposed to see about that?

Dan Rydell:
A therapist?

Casey McCall:
They tell me I'm all over the radio in the Great Lakes region.

Elliott:
Have you ever been to the Great Lakes?

Casey McCall:
Yeah, four of 'em.

Elliott:
How are they?

Casey McCall:
They're great!

Casey McCall:
How am I conversationally anal-retentive?

Dana Whitaker:
Let me answer that question in four parts with the fourth part first and the third part last. The second part has five syllables -

Casey McCall:
All right, all right, all right!

Jeremy Goodwin:
Is getting "The Call" you know, good?

Dana Whitaker:
Better than a poke in the eye?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Really?

Dana Whitaker:
Yes.

Jeremy Goodwin:
How much better?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Not fitting in is how qualified people lose jobs.

Isaac:
Yeah, but a lot of the time, it's how they end up working here.

Isaac Jaffe:
Now you had an obligation to tell us how you felt. Partly because I don't like getting a phone call saying I put one of my people in the hospital. But mostly because if you feel that strongly about something, you have a responsibility to try and change my mind! Did you think I would fire you simply because you made a convincing argument? It's taken me a lot of years, but I've come around to this: If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.

[reflecting upon the wording used on a formal invitation]

Casey McCall:
"October the Eighth, Nineteen Hundred and Ninety Eight, A.D." A.D... They're worried I might accidentally show up 2, 000 years before the birth of Christ.

Jeremy Goodwin:
We shot a deer. In the woods near Lake Mattatuck on the second day. There was a special vest they had me wear so that they could distinguish me from things they wanted to shoot, and I was pretty grateful for that. Almost the whole day had gone by, and we hadn't gotten anything. Eddie was getting frustrated and Bob Shoemaker was getting embarrassed. My camera guy needed to re-load so I told everybody to take a ten minute break. There was a stream nearby and I walked over with this care-package Natalie made me. I sat down and when I looked up I saw three of them; small, bigger, biggest. Recognizable to any species on the face of the planet as a child, a mother and a father. Now, the trick in shooting deer is you gotta get 'em out in the open. And it's tough with deer, 'cause these are clever, cagey animals with an intuitive sense of danger. You know what you have to do to get a deer out in the open? You hold out a twinkie. That animal clopped up to me like we were at a party. She seemed to be pretty interested in the twinkie, so I gave it to her. Looking back, she'd have been better off if I'd given her the damn vest. And Bob kind of screamed at me in whisper, "Move away!" The camera had been re-loaded and it looked like the day wasn't gonna be a washout after all. So I backed away, a couple of steps at a time, and I closed my eyes when I heard the shot. Look, I know these are animals, and they don't play bridge and go to the prom, but you can't tell me that the little one didn't know who his mother was. That's gotta mean something. And later, at the hospital, Bob Shoemaker was telling me about the nobility and tradition of hunting and how it related to the native American Indians. And I nodded and I said that was interesting while I was thinking about what a load of crap it was. Hunting was part of Indian culture. It was food and it was clothes and it was shelter. They sang and danced and offered prayers to the gods for a successful hunt so that they could survive just one more unimaginably brutal winter. The things they had to kill held the highest place of respect for them, and to kill for fun was a sin. And they knew the gods wouldn't be so generous next time. What we did wasn't food and it wasn't shelter and it sure wasn't sports! It was just mean!

Dan Rydell:
At this point, the length of this conversation is way out of proportion to my interest in it.

Dan Rydell:
Nobody move! Name five teams that play in the MLS, and Casey says it's an American soccer league so you can't choose Luxembourg. Go.

Natalie Hurley:
Columbus Crew.

Elliot:
Miami Fusion.

Natalie Hurley:
New England Revolution.

Kim:
Tampa Bay Mutiny.

Natalie Hurley:
D.C. United.

Dave:
Chicago Fire.

Natalie Hurley:
Colorado Rapids.

Chris:
Dallas Burn.

Natalie Hurley:
Kansas City Wizards.

Will:
Los Angeles Galaxy.

Natalie Hurley:
And the New York/New Jersey Metro-Stars.

Dan Rydell:
You all just made that up, didn't you?

Casey McCall:
You got smoked.

Casey McCall:
Well, they gotta score twice to win. Why not just get the three right now? He's got the wind at his back.

Isaac:
He doesn't have the leg.

Casey McCall:
He's got the wind at his back.

Isaac:
I don't care if he's got the wind at his back and a song in his heart, he doesn't have the leg.

Casey McCall:
You're a crazy man from St. Louis. You have no business being in sports.

Dan Rydell:
Newport's gonna put up a challenge, New Zealand and Australia each have new keels, and Japan's looking for an American tactician, maybe even a whole new after guard. Now, interestingly, Italy has developed a new 140% Genoa, but the IRC says it may not meet specs because of a bolt in the back step.

Dana Whitaker:
Honest to God, I have no idea what sport you're talking about.

Casey McCall:
Dan's talkin' about the rough-and-tumble, livin'-the-razor's-edge, run-till-you-drop, never-say-die world of offshore yacht racing.

Dan Rydell:
Greatest sport in the world, Dana. Greatest sport - great for kids.

Natalie Hurley:
All you need is forty million dollars and a dream.

Natalie Hurley:
Wait. There are two cars downstairs.

Dan Rydell:
Good.

Natalie Hurley:
I want you to ride with Isaac.

Dan Rydell:
Fine.

Natalie Hurley:
I want you to ride with Isaac so that Casey rides with Dana.

Dan Rydell:
That's fine.

Natalie Hurley:
[knowingly] I want Casey to ride with Dana.

Dan Rydell:
I get it.

Natalie Hurley:
Do you?

Dan Rydell:
I ride with Isaac and Casey and Dana fall in love.

Natalie Hurley:
Right!

Dan Rydell:
Wow, is that a stupid plan.

Dana Whitaker:
Dave, Chris, Will, what are you guys doing tomorrow morning at ten?

Dave:
Gotta basketball game at the "Y".

Will:
Yeah, it's a 3-on-3 with the guys from...

Dana Whitaker:
Dave, Chris, Will, what are you guys doing tomorrow morning at ten?

Chris:
Fixing the sound system?

Dana Whitaker:
There ya go.

Jenny:
You can't stand in the rain without an umbrella?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes, Jenny, I learned when I was young that if I do that I'll get wet.

Jenny:
And I learned when I was young if I get wet I'll dry off. I learned not to be troubled by water falling from the sky. I learned that when I was young that things that frightened me might not be so frightening after all. That possibly the only reason I was frightened was because I was young.

Jeremy Goodwin:
It was nice knowng you, Jenny.

Casey McCall:
It's a vicious circle.

Dan Rydell:
It is.

Casey McCall:
It's a neverending circle.

Dan Rydell:
Just keeps going round and round.

Casey McCall:
Never ends.

Dan Rydell:
That's what makes it vicious.

Casey McCall:
And a circle.

[Re:
Mount Everest]

Jeremy Goodwin:
29,000 feet. Do you know how tall that is?

Will:
It's 29,000 feet.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes.

Chris:
It's actually 29,029 feet.

Dana Whitaker:
But it's those last ten yards that'll kill ya.

Jeremy Goodwin:
It's huge. It's 8,848 meters.

Natalie Hurley:
It sounds more impressive at 29,000 feet.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Alright, I'm going to stick with 29,000 feet. How can I best express this? How many of what kind of thing would we have to line up end to end?

Elliot:
Twenty-nine thousand rulers.

[first lines]

Dan Rydell:
[on the air] The Olympic gold-medal-winning gymnast and high school sophomore said that after all those years of hard work, it was a relief to finally realize her life-long dream. Good to get that out of the way at fifteen.

Casey McCall:
I climb. I'm a climber.

Dan Rydell:
You climb at your gym.

Casey McCall:
Darm tootin' I do, and it's a challenging ascent.

Dan Rydell:
It's a wall in a gym.

Casey McCall:
It simulates a Class III mountain.

Natalie Hurley:
I hear the air gets pretty thin up near the juice bar.

Casey McCall:
I'm starving.

Elliot:
I know.

Casey McCall:
Did you tell them that I'm starving?

Elliot:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
And?

Elliot:
They really seemed to care.

Natalie Hurley:
Two guys have ascended five miles into the sky. They walked up a wall of ice, and are preparing to knock on the door of Heaven itself. There's really no end to what we can do. You know what the trick is?

Dan Rydell:
What?

Natalie Hurley:
Get in the game.

Dana Whitaker:
The lights go down, and this woman with a voice like thunder - this woman, she summons all the animals of the jungle to appear and honor the birth of the new lion king. She *summons* the animals with her voice, and do you know - do you know what happens next?

Dan Rydell:
The animals appear?

Dana Whitaker:
The animals *appear*!

Casey McCall:
Kim!

Kim:
Nobody's delivering.

Casey McCall:
Nobody's delivering?

Kim:
Nobody's delivering.

Casey McCall:
But we're in New York City!

Kim:
Yes, I know. I recognize the big buildings.

[On the air]

Casey McCall:
By the way, none of us here have eaten. So if you happen to be walking by the building with a pizza...

Isaac Jaffe:
Danny, every morning I leave an acre and a half of the most beautiful property in New Canaan, get on a train and come to work in a fifty-four story glass high rise. In between I step over bodies to get here - 20, 30, 50 of 'em a day. So, as I'm stepping over them I reach into my pocket and give them whatever I've got.

Dan Rydell:
Your'e not afraid they're gonna spend it on booze?

Isaac Jaffe:
I'm hoping they're going to spend it on booze. Look, Dan, these people, most of 'em, it's not like they're one hot meal away from turning it around. For most of 'em the clock's pretty much run out. You'll be home soon enough. What's wrong with giving them a little novacaine to get 'em through the night?

Natalie Hurley:
I was wondering if you had a chance to look at it?

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Natalie Hurley:
And ?

Dan Rydell:
It's good.

Natalie Hurley:
That's all ?

Dan Rydell:
It's excellent.

Natalie Hurley:
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you ?

Dan Rydell:
No.

Natalie Hurley:
My reel.

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Natalie Hurley:
My audition tape.

Dan Rydell:
Yes, Natalie, it's very good.

Natalie Hurley:
You haven't watched it yet.

Dan Rydell:
No.

Natalie Hurley:
Dan!

Dan Rydell:
I'm sorry.

Natalie Hurley:
This is important to me.

Dan Rydell:
I know it is.

Natalie Hurley:
When have I not been there for you ?

Dan Rydell:
You've never not been there for me.

Natalie Hurley:
I'm coming to you for guidance.

Dan Rydell:
And guidance you will get.

Casey McCall:
What's going on ?

Natalie Hurley:
Dan's a loser.

Isaac:
Exaudio, Comperio, Conloquor. That's a Latin phrase that translates: To Listen, To Learn, To Speak. Those words are carved into the stone arches that form the entrance to the undergraduate library at Tennessee Western University. This afternoon, an extraordinary young man named Roland Shepard made what had to have been an excruciating decision. He said he wasn't playing football under a Confederate flag. Six of his teammates then chose not to let Shepard stand alone. And I choose to join them at this moment. In the history of the South, there's much to celebrate. And that flag is a desecration of all of it. It's a banner of hatred and seperatism. It's a banner of ignorance and violence and a war that pitted brother against brother, and to ask young black men and women, young Jewish men and women, Asians, Native Americans, to ask Americans to walk beneath its shadow is a humiliation of irreducible proportions. And we all know it. Tennessee Western has produced some outstanding alumni in the last hundred years. People of wisdom and vision. Strength and compassion. One of them is Luther Sachs. Luther Sachs owns Continental Corp, which owns the Continental Sports Channel, which you're watching right now. Luther Sachs is a generous alumni contributor to Tennessee Western with a considerable influence over its Chancellor, Davis Blake, and its Board of Trustees. Luther, you've got a phone call to make. You've got to call Chancellor Blake and tell him to take down that flag or he can stop looking for your checks in the mail. You've got to put these young men back in a classroom, and I mean pronto. These boys are gonna make you proud one day, Luther. I challenge you to do the right thing. Not an unreasonable request to make of a man whose alma mater declares Exaudio, Comperio, Conloquor. To Listen, To Learn, To Speak. In the meantime, God go with you, Roland Shepard and you six Southern Gentlemen of Tennessee. God's not done with any of you yet.

Dan Rydell:
[on the air] We'll bring you the thrill of victory, and the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie. You're watching Sports Night on CSC, so stick around.

Dana Whitaker:
By the way, in the memos that are circulating we're spelling Chattanooga about fourteen different ways. Now, what do we know?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Two O's, three A's.

Dana Whitaker:
That's it?

Jeremy Goodwin:
No, there are other letters too. But surely that's not what you meant.

Isaac:
Danny, I need to talk to you.

Dan Rydell:
Good, cause I need to talk to you too. Who should go first?

Isaac:
Since I don't really care what you have to say, I think it should be me.

Isaac:
[to Dan] You need to stop thinking of me as the defender of all things black.

Dana Whitaker:
Kill 23.

Elliott:
I never had 23.

Dana Whitaker:
Then you won't miss it much.

Dana Whitaker:
Jeremy, tell me what's happening in Chattanooga. Tell me quickly. Tell me succinctly - bullet points. [Snaps fingers] We're on the air in less than two minutes, so don't give me a Valedictory address. Talk to me as if I'm a small child. Tell me what's happening in Chattanooga.

Jeremy Goodwin:
I don't know what's happening in Chattanooga.

Dana Whitaker:
Okay, tell me a little more than that.

Monica Brazelton:
Excuse me, Mr McCall.

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Monica Brazelton:
I'm sorry. Is this a bad time ?

Casey McCall:
For what ?

Monica Brazelton:
I'd like to ask you a question, but if you're preparing the show, if this is a bad time, I can come back.

Casey McCall:
What's your question ?

Monica Brazelton:
What's my name ?

Casey McCall:
What's your name ?

Monica Brazelton:
Yes.

Casey McCall:
Uh. What are we doing right now ?

Monica Brazelton:
If this is a bad time I can just come...

Casey McCall:
I'm sorry. I'm not very good at remembering names.

Monica Brazelton:
Who was the number two man on the Boston Red Sox staff in 1977 ?

Casey McCall:
That was Ferguson Jenkins.

Monica Brazelton:
My name is Monica. I'm the assistant wardrobe supervisor for Sports Night as well as two other shows here at CSC. I think you hurt the feelings of the woman I work for. Her name is Maureen and she's been working here since the day you started.

Casey McCall:
I know Maureen.

Monica Brazelton:
Can I ask you another question ?

Casey McCall:
I'm sorry I didn't know your name.

Monica Brazelton:
Do you know what color this is ?

Casey McCall:
It's grey.

Monica Brazelton:
It's called gun-metal. Grey has more ivory in it, gun-metal has more blue. Can you tell me which if these shirts you should wear it with ?

Casey McCall:
I dunno.

Monica Brazelton:
No you don't. There's no reason why you should. You're not expected to know what shirt goes with what suit or how a color and a neck tie can pick up your eyes. You're not expected to know what's going to clash with what Dan's wearing or what pattern's going to bleed when Dave changes the lighting. Mr McCall, you get so much attention and so much praise for what you actually do and all of it's deserved. When you go on a talk show and get complimented on something you didn't, how hard would it be to say, "That's not me. That's a woman named Maureen who's been working for us since the first day. It's Maureen who dresses me every night and without Maureen I wouldn't know gun-metal from a hole in the ground." Do you have any idea what that would have meant to her ? Do you have any idea how many time sshe would have played that tape for her husband and her kids ? I know this is when it starts to get busy for you. I hope I didn't take up too much of your time. Please don't tell Maureen I spoke to you. She would be pretty mad at me.

Casey McCall:
I won't. Monica.

Sally Sasser:
Sam?

Sam:
Susie.

Sally Sasser:
Sally.

Sam:
Okay.

Sally Sasser:
This meeting's not going that well is it?

Sam:
No. The good news is an hour from now I'm not going to remember who you are.

Dana Whitaker:
I'm looking for ways to kill you, you know.

Sam Donovan:
Dana, I have been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you want to kill me, you're gonna need some kryptonite.

[after making a presentation for his son's class]

Natalie:
What did you do?

Casey McCall:
I did what I do, Natalie. I did what I do.

Dan Rydell:
You screwed up your romantic life in front of fifth-graders?

Sam Donovan:
By the way, I met a girl named Suzy today. It sounds like she's the preferred vacation spot for all the men you date.

Dana Whitaker:
...Sally.

Sam Donovan:
Okay.

Rebecca:
Have people ever tried to kill you?

Dan Rydell:
Yeah, but I defend myself with my superior wit and guile.

Dan Rydell:
Five minutes to air.

Casey McCall:
Best words in the English language.

Dan Rydell:
Aren't they?

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dan Rydell:
They're the best words in the English language.

Casey McCall:
Cinq minutes avant d'etre en direct.

Dan Rydell:
And those are the best words in the French language.

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dan Rydell:
Oui.

Casey McCall:
Cinco minutos para salir al aire.

Dan Rydell:
This is what I'm talkin' about.

Casey McCall:
There's an internal clock.

Dan Rydell:
There is.

Casey McCall:
It's like athletes.

Dan Rydell:
It's just like that. When that gun goes off...

Casey McCall:
When the bell rings...

Dan Rydell:
It's game time, my friend.

Casey McCall:
You can take it to the bank.

Dan Rydell:
Most beautiful sound in the world.

Casey McCall:
Funf minuten bis sendungszeit.

Dan Rydell:
Well, now you're just showing off.

Rebecca:
You like me right now, and you love sports, and I think when you see those two things in a room together at the same time, I'm going to look a little less like what you want.

Dan Rydell:
I think you're wrong.

Rebecca:
I have to go back to my office.

Dan Rydell:
First of all, what makes you so sure I like you right now?

Rebecca:
Well, you follow me everywhere I go and you ask me out all the time.

Dan Rydell:
You're reading way too much into that.

Dan Rydell:
Orlando Rojas.

Rebecca:
I don't know who that is.

Dan Rydell:
Orlando Rojas, the pitcher.

Rebecca:
Oh, Orlando Rojas, the *pitcher*!

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Rebecca:
I don't know who that is.

Dan Rydell:
He's pitching this afternoon.

Rebecca:
Orlando Rojas?

Dan Rydell:
Yes.

Rebecca:
I don't know who that is.

Casey McCall:
Alyson, do you know I speak four languages?

Dan Rydell:
You speak three languages.

Casey McCall:
I speak four languages.

Dan Rydell:
You speak French, Spanish and German.

Casey McCall:
I dabble in a little English.

Rebecca:
You guys, seriously, I'm just gonna sit down in the middle of the room and cry.

[It's rundown time and Dan and Casey are alone in the conference room]

Dan Rydell:
I need this meeting to get underway. I want people to walk in the door right now.

[Everyone comes in the room]

Dan Rydell:
Look at that! That's a power I didn't even know I had.

Dan Rydell:
Eleven years ago Orlando Rojas pitched a perfect game.

Rebecca Wells:
And a perfect game is good?

Dan Rydell:
Look, I know there's a lot of jargon but some of these really are self-explanatory.

Dana Whitaker:
I fear not ghosts, I fear them not.

Natalie Hurley:
So Thespis is the Roman god of theatre?

Jeremy Goodwin:
That's exactly right. Except he's not Roman and he's not a god.

Natalie Hurley:
What is he?

Jeremy Goodwin:
He's Greek and he's a ghost.

Dana Whitaker:
Who's Artemis?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Artemis?

Dana Whitaker:
Yes.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Artemis is goddess of the moon, the hunt, chastity and fertility.

[everybody oohs and aahs]

Dana Whitaker:
Your boy knows his mythology.

Natalie Hurley:
Give him another one.

Kim:
Athena.

Dave:
[counting back from commercial] 30 seconds.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Goddess of wisdom, the arts, and war.

Casey McCall:
Mercury.

Jeremy Goodwin:
God of commerce, wrestling, gymnastics, thieving, good luck, sleep, wealth, and dreams.

Casey McCall:
Wow.

Natalie Hurley:
There's a god of thieving?

Casey McCall:
There's a god of gymnastics?

Jeremy Goodwin:
Yes, indeed.

Dan Rydell:
I remember what you were wearing. Do you remember what I was wearing?

Casey McCall:
I remember not thinking at the time that you were a woman.

Dan Rydell:
You recited the St. Crispin's Day speech from the lobby of the St. Paul Radisson.

Casey McCall:
Well, was it untoward?

Dan Rydell:
No, it was just embarrassing.

Dan Rydell:
[doing soccer highlights] Blake kicks the ball with high hopes that it will enter the goal, but it does not.

Elliott:
Anybody know why there's a 20-pound frozen turkey up in the light grid?

Dan Rydell:
Dana, Elliot wants to know why there's a 20-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.

Dana Whitaker:
It's 24 pounds.

Dan Rydell:
I'll tell him that, but then he'll just want to know why there's a 24-pound frozen turkey in the light grid.

[Dan leaves, Elliot comes in afterwards]

Elliott:
Why is there a 24-pound frozen turkey up in the light grid?

Dana Whitaker:
We are gonna get through the top half hour. I'm not gonna be beaten by a 6000-year-old Roman god!

Jeremy Goodwin:
He's a 3000-year-old Greek ghost.

Dana Whitaker:
Well I'm a 33-year-old producer and for one hour every night, this is my little corner of the world. And nothing screws up here unless I screw it up. [shouting at the ceiling] You got that?

Dana Whitaker:
Why is there still water dripping on this desk?

[Turkey falls on desk]

Dan Rydell:
Say, Dana, this wouldn't happen to be your frozen turkey by any chance, now would it?

Isaac Jaffe:
Did a big frozen turkey fall down on the anchor desk during the last commercial?

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Isaac Jaffe:
And why?

Casey McCall:
Ah, Isaac, is there really an answer I can give to that question that'll satisfy you?

Dana Whitaker:
I've named this Thanksgiving. I'm calling it "The Thanksgiving of Mom's Disapproval." Included on the 2-record set are the hit songs "Why Aren't You Married?" And "Sports Is No Place for an Educated Woman" and "Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You How to Cook a Turkey?"

Jeremy Goodwin:
A writer once wrote, "As if it matters how a man falls down. When the fall is all that's left it matters very much." What did he mean by that? Don't abandon blowouts.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Whatever happened to the ninth inning rally?

Dana Whitaker:
Yeah, and why don't we use semi-colons anymore?

Kim:
Dana wants to take everyone's picture tomorrow.

Dan Rydell:
Why?

Casey McCall:
She bought a new camera.

Dan Rydell:
I didn't know Dana took pictures.

Casey McCall:
She doesn't. She doesn't know anything about cameras. But she felt the sudden need to own one.

Dan Rydell:
Is this part of her psychotic episode?

Casey McCall:
Yes.

Dan Rydell:
Well, then, sign me up.

Dan Rydell:
Elliot.

Elliot:
What do ya need?

Dan Rydell:
Wouldn't you think that Rebecca would've come crawling back to me by now?

Elliot:
If you love soemthing, you gotta set it free, Dan.

Dana Whitaker:
We have a name for people like you back home in Cedar Rapids. It's called sourpuss.

Jeremy Goodwin:
Mm, we have a name for people like you back home in Boston it's called...

[Natalie yanks his ear]

Jeremy Goodwin:
Ow. Ow. Pain. Pain. Pain.

Dana Whitaker:
This is a cheap excuse to get out of marrying me, which you never wanted to do in the third place. And the only reason you proposed in the second place was out of guilt for having slept with Sally in the first place.

Dana Whitaker:
I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough. And now I want something good to happen. I want something good to happen before the day is over, and I'll be judge of what's good.

Casey McCall:
Dana.

Dana Whitaker:
One good thing before the day is over, I swear that's all I want!

Isaac Jaffe:
Hey lady! [everyone turns to see Isaac standing there looking at them] Are you planning on getting my show on the air anytime soon?

Dan Rydell:
Ya know, Isaac...

Isaac Jaffe:
Yeah?

Dan Rydell:
Casey and I were talking before and... well...

Isaac Jaffe:
What?

Dan Rydell:
We think you're a bit of cheese danish.

Isaac Jaffe:
Hey.

Casey McCall:
A strawberry parfait, Isaac.

Isaac Jaffe:
I had a stroke.

Casey McCall:
Out six weeks on the DL with a stroke? I've seen gored matadors get up off the floor faster than you.

Dan Rydell:
You're a bit of a crumb cake there, aren't ya, pal?

Isaac Jaffe:
Let me look at you both [pauses and looks them over] You look good, boys.

Dan Rydell:
So do you, Sir

Sam Donovan:
You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite.

Casey McCall:
You have a crush on Hillary Clinton.

Dan Rydell:
I carry a torch for her, yes.

Casey McCall:
You're hot for Mrs. Clinton.

Dan Rydell:
Well, who isn't? But in my case it's more than physical. It's cerebral.

Casey McCall:
No doubt about it. I think we need to get you a CAT scan. And stat.

Dan Rydell:
I would like to have an intelligent, high-minded, right-thinking, socially progressive, impressively pragmatic conversation with Hillary Clinton. Tomorrow morning I shall.

Casey McCall:
Shall you?

Dan Rydell:
Yes. And she will say, "My goodness. That Dan Rydell is such a bright young boy, so much more than sports scores and highlights. I think I'll make him my gentleman friend."

Casey McCall:
Well, then, here's to you Mrs. Robinson.

Casey McCall:
You are about five different kinds of crazy, you know that?

Dan Rydell:
I mixed up! I inverted the definitions of "secular" and "nonsecular"!

Casey McCall:
Looks like that might be the case.

Dan Rydell:
Hilary Clinton thinks I'm an idiot!

Casey McCall:
Either that or a religious bigot.

Dan Rydell:
I went to an Ivy League school, Casey.

Casey McCall:
A proud day for Dartmouth, Dan.

Casey McCall:
Was there a stripper?

Dana Whitaker:
At the party?

Casey McCall:
Yeah.

Dana Whitaker:
Yes, there was.

Casey McCall:
Did he have a better body than me?

Dana Whitaker:
Of course he had a better body than you, Casey. He was a professional male stripper.

Casey McCall:
You know, let me tell you something. When we're asked, men know how to answer that question.