Stella

David:
It was Mr. Mueller, the landlord.

Michael:
He is such a Nazi.

Michael:
Michael, not all Germans are Nazis.

Michael:
That's not my understanding.

David:
[to realtor] Shhhhhhhh... Shut up. Just shut up!

David:
I haven't laughed that hard since my last business transaction! [laughs]

[repeated line]

David, Michael, Michael:
That is too funny!

Michael:
We can't move... We're in a tableau.

Michael:
The global business climate is like... whatever, dude.

David:
How's the soup, Michael?

Michael:
It's good.

David:
You won't be saying that after I kill you!

Michael:
Ladies & gentlemen of the board... all black.

CO-OP Board President:
Hiring you boys based on your performance in the potato sack race was the worst decision I ever made!

Michael:
I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.

CO-OP Board President:
Where are they? It's four o'clock!

Amy:
I don't know, they left for lunch at 9:30 and never came back.

Michael:
Think of all the great things that have come out of this country!

Michael:
Rugby.

David:
Chicken Tikka Masala.

Michael:
Chinese People.

Michael:
Ass.

David:
Harry Potter.

Michael:
Rubber balls and liquor.

Michael:
Then I say something.

David:
Hey, Mike, it's David. Weren't those guys at the party really mean?

Michael:
What, who is this? I don't know any Davids!

David:
David Wain?

Michael:
Oh... yeah

Michael:
You know when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream"?

Michael:
[giving his speech to the Residence Board] B, beautiful this building is very beautiful.

Michael:
U, and you... and you... all of you who live in this beautiful building.

Michael:
I, Intelligent, because I'm really, really intelligent.

Michael:
L, Love. I love this building

Michael:
D, I think there should be a disco ball in the lounge...

Michael:
David, do you still have that friend that makes fake moustaches?

David:
Gary Meadows? Sure. But why?

Michael:
Trust me. Just trust me.

CO-OP Board Member:
Excuse me, boys, but why are you dressed as skunks?

Michael:
Not skunks... skunk people!

Richard:
How about some sugar for my coffee?

Michael:
How about I'm not your b*tch.

David:
And what about Madonna, is she like a virgin or is she the material girl? I mean this girl's had more re-inventions than Thomas Edison.

Michael:
She's had more boyfriends than Madonna!

Michael:
I like English muffins.

David:
Totally.

Greg:
Woah, woah, woah... sorry, guys... employees only.

David:
We are employees!

Michael:
Yeah! We're from the... Houston office.

Greg:
Houston?

Michael:
[in Canadian accent] That's aboot right, eh?

Ansel:
I didn't know we had an office in Houston.

Michael:
[in Canadian accent] Yeah, we play hockey there... with... the prime minister.

Michael:
[in Canadian accent]... Pierre Trudeau...

Ansel:
If you guys are from Houston, why do you have Canadian accents?

David:
[in Canadian accent] Take off you hosers!

Michael, Michael:
Yeah!

Michael:
[to girl at office party] Touche... you've made worms' meat out of me.

Michael:
Hey, guys, check it out. They got brass knuckles.

Michael:
And numchucks.

David:
Sweeeeet.

Michael:
[looking at Michael and David in strange outfits] Why are you guys dressed like that?

Michael:
[in a rain poncho] Well, *I'm* dressed for rain.

David:
[in mountain climbing gear] And *I'm* dressed for snow.

Michael:
[in a swimsuit] Hey! I'm also wearing a hilarious outfit! Didn't anyone check the weather in the paper this morning?

China:
What are you doing?

Gary Meadows:
Go back to bed, China.

China:
But I'm bored.

Gary Meadows:
I said, go back to bed, China! [shouts] Now!

Michael:
It's to the point where I don't even feel like I'm Michael Showalter any more, you know? It's like I'm Sainsbury's corporate employee #31427728651127720772132.

Michael:
I know there's something out there, but I don't know if I wanna call it "God."

Michael:
Okay, 'cause like, I believe in God...

Michael:
Right.

Michael:
...but I don't know that I think God is some guy on a throne with a long white beard.

Michael:
Right. Like to me, God is, like, it could be anything. It could be like...

Michael:
Literally, it could be this table.

Michael:
It could be - totally be this table. It *is* the table.

Michael:
It's like I'm spiritual, but I'm not religious. Do you understand?

Michael:
I totally...

Michael:
It's like I can get off spiritually with the sunlight through trees.

Michael:
Oh, my God...

Girl At Party:
I like pain.

Michael:
I like cookies.

Michael:
Would a perfect world have turkeys?

David:
Oh, my God! You just shot the mountain man!

Michael:
I thought it was a turkey, I swear to God!

Michael:
What are we gonna do?

David:
Call Marcus.

Michael:
Yeah, call Marcus.

Michael:
Who's Marcus?

Michael:
I don't know, I don't know!

Michael:
Hey guys, he's still alive!

Michael:
[Michael Ian Black shoots Mountain Man] Why did you do that!

Michael:
It was either him or us, Mike!

Michael:
What are you talking about?

David:
You guys, we have to call the cops!

Michael:
No cops, Dave... not on this one!

David:
What are you talking about? We have to call the cops!

Michael:
[points gun at David] I said no cops!

Michael:
Hey, don't do anything stupid, Mikey [points gun at Michael Ian Black]

David:
Put the gun down, Mike! [points gun at Showalter]

Michael:
Why are you pointing the gun at me, David? I am trying to help you!

David:
I know? it's weird.

Michael:
Put it down... Put it down... Put the gun down.

David:
Come on! Put the gun down now, Guy, you put it down!

Michael:
2? 3? Now, what are we gonna do? [all three throw guns down]

David:
Without the Mountain Man we are totally lost!

Michael:
How are we going to survive? We're stuck in these woods with nothing to eat!

Michael:
[looks at Mountain Man's dead body] I have an idea...

Michael:
If you guys don't stop talking about the boogie boards, I'm gonna run this car off the road!

David & Michael:
Do it!

Michael:
I will!

David & Michael:
Do it!

Michael:
Fine! [Swerves off a cliff]

David:
I know I can hunt but can Mike hunt and Mike hunt?

Mountain Man:
Of course.

David:
No, no, but you say it.

Mountain Man:
...Mike hunt. [Michael, Michael and David giggle]

Mountain Man:
What are you guys laughing at? All I said is "Mike hunt." What's so funny about "Mike hunt?" [more giggles]

Mountain Man:
All right, enough!

Michael:
[after finding out they are bankrupt] You know what I'm thinking... Maybe throwing money out of the limo wasn't such a good idea.

Old Woman:
Everybody make a wish, now.

Michael:
I wish we had our apartment back.

Michael:
I wish we had our apartment back.

David:
I wish I was dry-humping Maggie.

Michael:
[to close up their presentation for the Big Account] In conclusion, continued economic growth, building a bridge to the 21st century, Tippy Canoe and Tyler too. Thank you, very much.

Michael:
Oh, God, this rat race is killing me. I'm so exhausted.

David:
I know. I can barely keep my eyes open.

Michael:
I can barely keep my pee hole open.

Michael:
My urethra shut down at 4 o'clock today. That's how tired I am.

David:
Hey, you remind me of fast food.

Blonde Girl:
Oh, yeah? Why's that?

David:
Because I want to take you out...

Blonde Girl:
[laughs]

David:
...and then I want to eat you in my car.

Jane Burroughs:
I'm afraid I some have bad news.

David:
Don't tell me you have crabs.

Jane Burroughs:
No.

David:
...You will.

Michael:
I'm cold.

Michael:
I'm hungry.

David:
I'm David. [makes fart noise]

Michael:
Wow, this is really fun, Mountain Man.

Mountain Man:
Nature is fun.

David:
Like b*obs?

Mountain Man:
But it can also be dangerous.

Michael:
Like fire b*obs?

Michael:
Dude, if you don't start making sense right now, I'm taking out my wiener and I'm going to slap you down with it!

Michael:
Now, come on. We have a date today with a lady named Fun. [pause] She's a Korean lady. [pause] "Fun" is a popular name in Korea.

Michael:
I just want to curl up in a ball and die.

Michael:
I feel the same way.

Michael:
You're bummed out, right?

Michael:
No, I want you to curl up in a ball and die.

David:
As a child, I was very sickly. I had polio and Alzheimer's and cancer. And lupus. And so, I was usually bed-ridden with at least two of those things.

David:
I'm a red-blooded American man with an American thirst for sex!

Michael:
Where are we?

Michael:
Are we in heaven?

David:
Check to see if there's Godiva chocolates nearby. If there are, then yes, we're in heaven.

Michael:
David went to Julliard, Michael.

Michael:
I don't care where he went!

Michael:
He's a classical violinist.

David:
And I'm a classical pianist!

Michael:
You're a classical dick, is what you are.

Michael:
I made an educated guess; I'm a Harvard man.

Michael:
The gall! The unmitigated gall of those girls!

Michael:
[mocking] If you want to change things, run for board president. Yeah right!

David:
They think they're SO funny

Michael:
So funny I forgot to laugh!

Michael:
I remembered to laugh, but I didn't, because it specifically wasn't funny!

David:
Yeah, like the great Irish Potato Famine!

Michael:
When they said that, it literally was the great Irish Potato Famine!

Michael:
That was such a great famine

Michael:
I love that famine

Michael:
Can I say something about the nature of tragedy? I think it's so sad. I think like, by definition, tragedy is sad. Like war?

David:
You know, I've never been a fan of tragedy. I hate war too.

Michael:
Like, that's what the 60's were all about. People don't understand that, like, that's what we were doing back then

Michael:
It's like when Bob Dylan said "I have a dream", THAT'S what he was talking about

David:
What about Madonna? I mean, is she Like a Virgin or is she the Material Girl? I mean this girl's had more reinventions than Thomas Edison

Michael:
She's had more boyfriends than Madonna

Michael:
I like English Muffins

Michael:
Totally!

David:
Are you saying what I think you're saying?

Michael:
You betcha'! I'm kickin' you Oouuu-!

David:
Well if that don't beat all! First Michael kicks us out and then you kick me out? Prince Machiavelli himself couldn't have orchestrated a more murderous coup!

Michael:
Well we are gathered here tonight, for a fight But I say, man that's not all right Fighting is not the right solution, It just adds to all of this polution

David:
Well I'm David Wain and I'm here to say, That there has to be a better way. Fighting is not a good activity, Let's use our creativity Painting, and dancing, and drawing, yo Now I would like to introduce my friend Michael Sho

Michael:
A-ra-ca-ca-ca A-ha-ha-ha-ha Boom Shakalaka Boom Shakalaka Get up, Get up, Get up, Yeah!

David:
$98 for new swim flippers? What was wrong with the swim flippers you got last summer?

Michael:
Look at them, David! I'd be the laughingstock of the Aquatics Center! They're hopelessly out of fashion!

Michael:
They are, David. Besides, what are you, beyond reproach? I mean what about all that surgical gauze you bought?

David:
That was for my appendectomy, Michael.

Michael:
Daivd, that appendectomy was cosmetic and you know it.

David:
It was not.

Michael:
Was too!

David:
Was not!

Michael:
Was too!

David:
Was not!

Michael:
Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear!

David:
Was he?!

Michael:
...I dunno!

David:
[murmurs and peers at Michael]

Michael:
You guys, while you were arguing I coming up with a list of ideas about how we can save some money.

Michael:
I'll be the judge of that...

Michael:
[takes the list]

Michael:
[shaking his head] No. No. No. No.