Superbad

Seth:
What, you think Becca's going to be psyched that you brought a bottle of lube? "Oh, Evan! Thank you so much for bringing that lube for my p*ssy! I could never handle your f***ing four-inch dick inside my p*ssy without your gigantic bottle of LUBE!" These girls are 18 years old. They aren't dried up old ladies, man. They're good to go!

Seth:
Are you insane?! Look at Jules's dating record, she dated Dan Remmeck who's had a six pack since like kindergarten. Jason Stone who looks like f***ing Zack Morris, and Matt Muer he's the sweetest guy! Have you ever stared into his eyes? It was like the first time I heard the Beatles.

Seth:
Do you have any normal sized clothes or do you only shop at the Baby Gap?

Seth:
What, so I got to sit here and eat dessert alone like I'm f***ing Steven Glansberg?

Evan:
Yeah well. At least you got to suck on your dad's dick.

Evan:
I mean, just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and just like, wanted to see them. I mean, that's the world I one day want to live in.

Evan:
Yeah. That's perfect. Now you owe me six bucks, because I'm not going to get it, and it exploded.

Evan:
What, did you want me to dive into his spit?

Becca:
I am going to give you the best blow J ever. With my mouth.

Officer Michaels:
[Breaking up a party] I assume you all have guns and crack... Okay, everyone! Prepare to be f***ed by the long dick of the law!

Evan:
Look at those nipples

Seth:
They're like little baby toes.

Evan:
It's just not fair that they get to flaunt that stuff, you know... and like, I have to hide every erection I get. Just imagine if girls weren't weirded out by our boners and stuff, and just like wanted to see them. That's the world I one day want to live in.

Seth:
You know what I do? I flip my boner up into my waistband. It hides it AND it feels awesome. I almost blew a load into my bellybutton.

Evan:
[talking about porn sites] You could always subscribe to a site like Perfect Ten. I mean that could be any number of things, right? Perfect Ten? I mean, it could be a bowling site.

Seth:
Yeah, but it doesn't actually show dick going IN which is a huge concern.

Evan:
Right, I didn't realize that.

Seth:
Besides, have you ever seen a vagina by itself?

Evan:
No.

Seth:
[shakes his head] Not for me.

Seth:
I joined this class because I thought I was going to be cooking with a partner. But she's never here, and I don't get twice the grades for doing all the work.

Teacher:
I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

Seth:
I know, but look at Evan. Just look at him.

Evan:
[His partner is tying on his apron] Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer, Miroki, I'm getting impatient up here.

Seth:
I'm over here in my unit, isolated and alone, eating my terrible tasting food, and I have to look over at that. That looks like the most fun I've ever seen in my entire life, and it's B.S. - excuse my language. I'm just saying that I wash and dry; I'm like a single mother. Look, we all know home-ec is a joke-no offense-it's just that everyone takes this class to get an A, and it's bullshit-and I'm sorry. I'm not putting down your profession, but it's just the way I feel. I don't want to sit here, all by myself, cooking this shitty food-no offense-and I just think that I don't need to cook tiramisu. When am I gonna need to cook tiramisu? Am I going to be a chef? No. There's three weeks left of school, give me a f***in' break! I'm sorry for cursing.

Teacher:
All right, Jules' partner isn't here either, pair up with her, station four.

Seth:
Jules? Alright I'll give it another shot-give home-ec another shot.

Fogell:
Yo, guys! What's up?

Evan:
Fogell, where have you been, man?

Seth:
You almost gave me a goddamn heart attack. Let me see it. Did you p*ssy out or what?

Fogell:
No, no, man. I got it. It is flawless. Check it!

Evan:
[examining the fake ID] Hawaii. All right, that's good. That's hard to trace, I guess. Wait, you changed your name to... McLovin?

Fogell:
Yeah.

Evan:
McLovin? What kind of a stupid name is that, Fogell? What, are you trying to be an Irish R&B singer?

Fogell:
No, they let you pick any name you want when you get down there.

Seth:
And you landed on McLovin?

Fogell:
Yeah. It was between that and Muhammad.

Seth:
Why the f*** would it between that and Muhammad?! Why don't you just pick a common name like a normal person?

Fogell:
"Muhammad" is the most commonly used name on Earth. Read a f***ing book for once!

Evan:
Fogell, have you actually ever met anyone named "Muhammad"?

Fogell:
Have you actually ever met anyone named "McLovin"?

Seth:
No! That's why you picked a dumb f***ing name!

Fogell:
F*** you!

Seth:
Give me that. All right, you look like a future pedophile in this picture, number 1. Number 2: it doesn't even have a first name. It just says "McLovin"!

Evan:
What?! One name? One name? Who are you, Seal?

Seth:
Fogell, this ID says that you're 25 years old. Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Fogell:
Seth, Seth, Seth. Listen up, ass-face! Every day, hundreds of kids go into the liquor store with fake IDs, and every single one says they're 21. How many 21-year-olds do you think there are in this town? It's called f***ing strategy, all right?

Evan:
Stay calm, okay? Let's not lose our heads. It's-it's a fine ID. It'll-it's going to work. It's passable, okay? This isn't terrible. I mean, it's up to you, Fogell. This guy is either going to think, "Here's another kid with a fake ID," or "Here's McLovin, a 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor." Okay? So what's it gonna be?

Fogell:
[grinning] I am McLovin!

Seth:
No, you're not. No one's McLovin. McLovin's never existed because that's a made-up, dumb, f***ing fairy tale name, you f***!

Gym Teacher:
Seth, get off the field!

Evan:
Dude, get out of here. They're going to make me run laps again.

Seth:
Dude, just f***ing listen OK. Jules and her stupid f***ing friend came up to me and they ask me to buy her alcohol. But not just her, for her whole party. You know what that means? By some divine miracle, we were paired up and she actually thought of me. Thought of me enough to decide that I was the guy she would trust with the whole funness of her party. She wants to f*** me, she wants my dick (Catches breath) in and around her mouth.

Evan:
Did you ever think that she's just using you to get her alcohol? She doesn't want your dick?

Seth:
Of course I thought that, that's the first thing that came to mind. But, she's got an older brother and she could've asked him but she asked me. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Seth, Momma's making a pubie salad and I need some Seth's Own dressing." She's D.T.F.-down to f*** man. P and Vagi, she wants to f*** man! Tonight is a night that f***ing is an actual possibility.

Evan:
You just sound like an idiot, you're not gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

Seth:
No... dude, I don't want to talk a lot of sh*t, okay? But she's going to be at the party, and she's going to be drunk, and she likes me at least a little, enough to get with me. At the very least I'll make out with her,

Seth:
Two weeks hand job, one month blow job, whatever, whatever. And then, I make her my girlfriend. And I've got like two solid months of sex. By the time college rolls around I'll be like the Iron Chef of pounding vag. You wanna hear the best part? Becca! You do the same thing with her. When you guys are sh*t-faced at the party, you get with her. This is our last party as high school people. I fully ignored my hatred for Becca in coming up with this plan.

Evan:
I should buy Becca alcohol?

Seth:
Yeah, man, that will be pimp! That way you know she'll be drunk. You know when you hear girls saying like "Ahh, I was so sh*t-faced last night! I shouldn't have f***ed that guy." We could be that mistake!

Evan:
Do you want to get killed for liquor?

Seth:
No, but I would get killed for p*ssy. No questions asked!

Officer Michaels:
Yeah, McLovin, how is it going with the ladies?

Fogell:
It's not the "going" I'm worried about... but the "coming."

Fogell:
What's it like to have a gun?

Officer Michaels:
It is... awesome! I mean I've only had mine for like a few months, but I'll tell you, it's like having two c*cks. If one of your c*cks could kill someone.

Becca:
I'm so wet right now.

Evan:
Yeah... they said that would happen in health class.

Becca:
You have such a smooth cock!

Evan:
Yours would be too... if you were a man.

Officer Slater:
Pussies on the pavement, fellas. C'mon!

Officer Slater:
Pretend he's your little sista. Your little sista with the picta. Baga daga dicka!

Seth:
You know it's been like 2 years since I've seen an actual human female nipple?

Evan:
Shauna? Shauna was 2 years ago now?

Seth:
Yeah.

Evan:
I guess so, but she was insanely hot.

Seth:
Exactly, she was TOO hot, okay? That's what sucks!

Evan:
How can that possibly suck? I'd be psyched if I gotten with her; you got, like 2 dozen handjobs.

Seth:
Yes, and 3/4 of a blowj*b, but who's counting, Evan? Look, it was the peak of my ass-getting career and it happened WAY, way too early.

Evan:
[smirks] You're like Orson Welles.

Seth:
Exactly! If I had paced myself, I'd be having at least steady sex with a decent looking girl. I honestly see now why Orson Welles ate his fat ass to death!

Evan:
Yeah, why don't you just wear what you wore to school?

Seth:
No, I can't do that. I can't let Jules see me in what I wore to school. It's completely unbecoming. No one's gotten a hand job in cargo short since 'Nam!

Officer Michaels:
You know, this job though isn't how shows like CSI make it out to be. When I first joined the force, I was under the impression that everything was covered in a fine layer of semen. And that the police had at their disposal a semen database with every bad guy's semen on it. Not true!

Officer Slater:
Yup.

Officer Michaels:
If only there was semen on everything, it would make our jobs easier.

Officer Slater:
Hell yeah!

Officer Michaels:
I often go to sleep and dream of waking up in a world where everything is covered in semen.

Officer Slater:
I mean, who doesn't? It's like your wish that you could walk out of a room and just know where the semen was. You just know like Sherlock Holmes, if he was in his day, Sherlock Holomes, in his day... And this is a proven historical fact. Sherlock Holmes, when he was alive, knew where semen was.

Officer Michaels:
Could smell it out like a rat.

Officer Slater:
Smell it out. Anything.

Officer Michaels:
Like the crime scene today, if the man had ejaculated and then punched you in the face, we'd have a real good shot at catching him.

Officer Slater:
No way.

Officer Michaels:
Just punched you in the face. No semen.

Officer Slater:
Yeah, no semen. And that's the only way you can find DNA by the way, if it's in the jizz.

Officer Michaels:
Semen. It's the best DNA, is in the jizz.

Officer Slater:
I'm telling you right now, sometimes I just want to make, you know, live in a world of semen.

Officer Michaels:
We shouldn't be cock-blocking McLovin, we should be guiding his cock.

Officer Slater:
[pointing gun at Evan and Seth] Spread your sh*t! Get on the ground! Loaded gun! Ready to go! Spread your sh*t! Pussies on the pavement, fellas!