Suzumiya Haruhi no yûutsu

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Listen this isn't fun and games, you mess around and I'll kill ya!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[forcing Mikuru to change into a bunny girl costume] Come on put it on, get dressed!

Mikuru Asahina:
I don't want to.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Shut up and strip!

Mikuru Asahina:
[holding a gun] You should never shoot this while pointing at other people, you should only shoot empty cans with it!

Kyon:
Okay. Asking somebody how long they believed in Santa Claus is so stupid, you can't even consider it a topic suitable for idle conversation. And if you still want to know how long I believed in some old fat guy who wears a funky red suit, I can tell you this: I never believed in him.

[Haruhi has been told that her plot to frame the Computer Brigade leader of harassing Mikruru will fail because so many witnesses will deny it]

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Then I'll tell everyone you thugs gained up on her and

[bleep] ed her!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Find the enemy boss and bombard away! We're absolutely going to win! Turn those impertinent Computer Society freaks into riddled, smouldering smithereens! [Haruhi goes offline]

Kyon:
[pauses then looks down] Shouldn't we just raise the white flag already? [pauses again and then looks up] Well, guess we can't really do that.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[on the day of battle] Today is an ideal day of clear skies and high waves! The fate of the empire rests on this battle! This conflict is only the beginning! We will eliminate all obstacles and the SOS Brigade will become known in the far reaches of the universe! Eventually, I'll negotiate with the Board of Education and create chapters of the SOS Brigade in all public high schools! Even if we've all but won already, nobody is allowed to hold back! We must soundly defeat them!

Kyon:
What's this confidence made from? Two milligrams will do, just share some with me.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Really? Want me to inject a bit into you?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[stares at him blankly, shocking him] Well? That helped, right?

Kyon:
What effect does staring at me supposed to have?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
I focused my energy into my stare and sent it to you! Your body should be all warm or going through accelerated perspiration. You felt something like that, right?

Kyon:
[thinking] No. My danger sense was tingling though.

Kyon:
[narrating] I relax and kill time with an alien, a time traveler and an esper without losing my sanity. I must be somebody special. Maybe I'll be scouted for arhathood.

Itsuki Koizumi:
You seem to be troubled.

Kyon:
Huh? Not really. I was just commenting on how I've gotten used to this place of absurdities. It's about time someone praised me.

Itsuki Koizumi:
[smiling] Then should I offer some words of admiration?

Kyon:
Wouldn't work coming from you. I'd end up worrying that there's a catch somewhere.

Itsuki Koizumi:
[laughing] You're quite correct.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[after dropkicking the president] Contest, you say? Who are you guys. [chuckles] You must be some secret organization trying to interfere with my SOS Brigade. I won't let you have it your way. Shining light on darkness and vanquishing evil is the duty of warriors of justice!

Kyon:
Hey, Haruhi? Why don't you listen to them first before kicking them?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Kyon! The contest begins the second someone challenges you. Anything the loser says otherwise is merely an excuse. [realizes that it is the computer society] Oh, it's just our neighbors. Why did they come here to pick a fight?

Kyon:
Like I said, they were just about to explain that.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Oh, so that's what it was!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Right, Mikuru-chan? Baseball sounds good, yeah? Just so you know, we're aiming for the championship! Not a single loss will be tolerated! I really hate to lose! [bites Mikuru's ear]

Mikuru Asahira:
[silently screams] - Aaaaahhhh! [faints]

Yuki Nagato:
[monotone] This bat has been modified with a boost in attribute data.

Kyon:
What's that mean?

Yuki Nagato:
[monotone] Homing Mode.

Kyon:
Haruhi thinks her opinions and ideals are absolute and sometimes she even thinks others share her warped view about things; Well actually that pretty much happens all the time so that you could say that she just doesn't get it. If you want to go faster than the speed of light, make sure Haruhi is on your spaceship, she'll just ignore the laws of relativity for you.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[Haruhi's first lines, introducing herself to the homeroom class] Suzumiya Haruhi. I have no interest in ordinary humans. If there are any aliens, time travelers, sliders, or ESPers here... come join me. That is all!

Kyon:
As I graduated from middle school, I also graduated from those childish dreams and became accustomed to the routine of this world. And so I entered high school with no particular vision in mind and met her...

Kyon:
Thanks to Haruhi Suzumiya, eccentric among eccentrics, my journey through never-ending hell had begun.

Yuki Nagato:
[monotone] An organic life contact-purpose humanoid interface created by the Data Interface Thought Entity which supervises this galaxy, that would be me.

Kyon:
Huh? What?

Yuki Nagato:
[monotone] In more common terminology, I would be classified as an alien.

Kyon:
[shocked] Alien?

Mikuru Asahira:
Kyon-kun, if I get ruined for marriage, will you take me? [walks away tearfully]

Kyon:
[thinking] What should I say? Asahina-san, from behind, you look like a student failed to get into college. Or a salesman after buying a house beyond his budget. Wait, you're going to call me that too?

Kyon:
[reads] A proclamation of the SOS Brigade...

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[voice joins Kyon's and takes over]... Our SOS Brigade is looking for the mysteries of the world. People who have experienced something mysterious in the past. People who have run into something mysterious recently. People who plan on a mysterious experience in the near future. If any of the above apply to you, please come see us! We'll solve your problem on the spot! However, a normal mystery won't do. It has to be a mystery that wows us! Make note of that!

Kyon:
I think I'm starting to understand the purpose of this brigade.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Man, I'm pissed. What's with those stupid teachers? They're such a pain!

Kyon:
Was there some sort of problem?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Way beyond that! We hadn't even distributed half the flyers and the teachers told us to stop! Who do they think they are?

Kyon:
[thinking] If two bunny girls start handing out flyers at the front gate, those who aren't teachers will come running.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Mikuru-chan started sobbing. I was dragged to the student guidance office. Even that ass Okabe was brought in.

Kyon:
[thinking] They were probably all on the verge of tears.

[repeated lines]

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[angry] Late! Penalty!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Now! Let's commence the first SOS Brigade meeting! We've done a lot to get this far. We passed out flyers and we even made a home page. The celebrity of the SOS Brigade in this school has skyrocketed! This first stage can be considered a huge success!

Kyon:
[thinking] How can you call emotionally scarring Asahina-san a huge success?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
However, not a single tale of mysterious happenings has reached our brigade's e-mail inbox and not a single student has come in for consultation regarding bizarre troubles.

Kyon:
[thinking] That's because nobody has a clue as to what this club does yet. We didn't even find out until yesterday.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Someone once said, good things come to those who wait. However, we live in the modern world now! You have to find the good for yourself, even if you have to dig through the ground! That's why we're going to search!

Kyon:
For what?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
The mysteries of this world!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Listen, this seriously isn't a date. If you go off to play somewhere, I'll strangle you! [angrily walks away with Itsuki and Yuki]

Kyon:
[narrating] And with those words, the Haruhi team went off to search the east side of the station. Asahina-san and I were supposed to search the west side, but...

Mikuru Asahira:
What do we do?

Kyon:
[scratches his head] Right?

Mikuru Asahira:
You know, this is the first time I've ever walked around like this.

Kyon:
Like this...?

Mikuru Asahira:
All alone with a boy... [accidently bumps into Kyon]

Kyon:
That's very unexpected. You've never gone out with someone before?

Mikuru Asahira:
I haven't.

Kyon:
But you probably have guys asking you out all the time.

Mikuru Asahira:
But I can't. I'm not allowed to get involved with anyone. At least, in this...

Mikuru Asahira:
[runs to face Kyon] Kyon-kun, I have something to tell you.

[repeated lines]

Mikuru Asahira:
Classified information.

Kyon:
[awoken by cell phone] YEAA!

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[on phone] Do you realize what time it is, you moron?

Kyon:
Sorry, I just woke up.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[in anger] EEAAAH! You lazy dumbass!

Kyon:
[whispering] We were supposed to meet up at 4:00?

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Get your ass back here within 30 seconds! [hangs up]

Kyon:
[narrating] This was when the struggle began. In order to move Nagato, who when reading, is apparently glued onto the floor, I had to get her a library card so she could borrow the book, ignoring Haruhi's calls during that time.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[as Kyon and Yuki arrive] Late! Penalty!

Kyon:
[narrating] In the end, after yielding no results nor satisfaction and wasting time and money like a joke, our outdoor activities came to an end. Just that as we were splitting up, Asahina-san...

Mikuru Asahira:
[whispering] Thanks for listening to what I had to say. [walks away waving to Kyon]

Kyon:
[narrating]... she whispered into my ear, which wasn't a bad feeling after all.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[angrily] What exactly were you doing today?

Kyon:
What about you? Did you discover something interesting? [scoffs] Well, they're not careless enought to let you find them in one day.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
Day after tomorrow, we'll have a review over today's behavior. Hmph! [walks away]

Kyon:
[narrating] And with that, she left. [sighs]

Mikuru Asahira:
You might not believe me, but... I do not belong in this epoch. I come from further into the future.

Kyon:
[thinking] Now what?

Ryoko Asakura:
I've grown quite tired of observing a static object. That's why I'll kill you and see how Haruhi Suzumiya responds.

Kyon:
Huh? [is attacked by Ryoko. half of his tie is cut up]

Itsuki Koizumi:
It all began three years ago...

Kyon:
[cuts him short] Screw three years ago!

Itsuki Koizumi:
[grimly] It's all your fault.

Kyon:
[startled] My fault? What did I do?

Itsuki Koizumi:
You were the one who gave her the idea to form this questionable club. Your conversation gave her the inspiration to make a club made up of strange individuals. The responsibility is yours. As a result, low-ranked members from the three forces interested in Suzumiya-san have gathered together as one group.

Kyon:
[disgusted] That's false!

Itsuki Koizumi:
Well, that's not the only reason.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[solemnly telling her radical change to Kyon] During elementary school, when I was in sixth grade, my whole family went to watch a baseball game at the stadium. I wasn't particularly interested in baseball, but I was shocked once we got there. There were people everywhere I looked. The ones on the other side of the stadium were like squirming grains of rice all packed together. I wondered if every last person in Japan had gathered in this place. And so, I asked my dad. Exactly how many people were in the stadium? His answer was that a sold-out game meant about fifty thousand people. After the game, the path to the station was flooded with people. The sight stunned me. So many people around me, yet they only made up a fraction of the people in Japan. Once I got home, I got a calculator and did the math. We learned that the Japanese population was a hundred million and some in social studies. Divide fifty thousand into that and you only get one two-thousandth. I was stunned again. Not only was I just one little person in that sea of people in that stadium, but that sea of people were merely a drop in the ocean. I'd thought myself to be a special person up until that point. I enjoyed being with my family and most of all, I thought that my class in my school had the most interesting people in the world. But, that was when I realized it wasn't like that. The things that happened in what I believed to be the most enjoyable class in the world could be found happening in any school in Japan. Everyone in Japan would find them to be ordinary occurrences. Once I realized this, I suddenly found that, my surroundings were beginning to lose their color. Brush my teeth and go to sleep at night. Wake up and eat breakfast in the morning. People do those everywhere. When I realized that everyone did all these things on a daily basis, everything started to feel so boring. And if, there were so many people in the world, there had to be someone living an interesting life that wasn't ordinary. I was sure of it. Why wasn't that person me? That's all I could think about. And in the process, I realized something. Nothing fun will happen if you sit around waiting. So I figured I would change myself in middle school. Let the world know that I wasn't a girl content with sitting around and waiting. And I conducted myself accordingly. But in the end, nothing ever happened. Before I knew it, I was in high school. I thought something would have changed.

Itsuki Koizumi:
I don't know how I know, I just know that I know, you know?

Kyon:
[to Haruhi as the world is about to come to an end] You know... ponytails turn me on.

Haruhi Suzumiya:
What?

Kyon:
That ponytail you had whenever looked so good it was criminal

Haruhi Suzumiya:
[shocked and disgusted] WHAAAA? Are you retarded? [Kyon kisses Haruhi]