Tall Tale: The Unbelievable Adventures of Pecos Bill

Daniel Hackett:
Who are you?

Pecos Bill:
I am a ring-tailed roarer. I can draw faster, shoot straighter and drink longer than any man alive. I ride cyclones and i wrassle--

Daniel Hackett:
You got a name, don't you?

Pecos Bill:
I'm gettin' to that. I'm the rip-snortinest cowboy that ever rode North, South, East or West of the Rio Grande. I'm Pecos Bill.

Daniel Hackett:
And I'm Santy Claus.

Pecos Bill:
Friendly cuss, ain't he, Widow Maker? Well, Dan'l Hackett, I think them two varmints got somethin' that belongs to you.

Pecos Bill:
I oughta plug you two right now. But I make it a rule never to kill a man on a Sunday.

Grub:
Sunday?

Zeb:
Today's Wednesday.

Pecos Bill:
Wednesday?

Paul Bunyan:
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but in my day, we didn't steal from the land, we just borrowed from it.

Pecos Bill:
Well, now what in tarnation are you going to do about it?

Paul Bunyan:
I'm going to do as I darn well please and the rest of the world can go to the blazes!

Pecos Bill:
And would that be includin' Paradise Valley?

Paul Bunyan:
Paradise Valley is no concern of mine.

Daniel Hackett:
You're not Paul Bunyan.

Paul Bunyan:
Who says I ain't?

Daniel Hackett:
My pa used to tell me stories about Paul Bunyan. He said that Paul Bunyan was a giant of a man, a man who could tame a continent, a man who could look danger in the eyes and laugh in its face.

Paul Bunyan:
Well, he did get those parts right.

Daniel Hackett:
Well, not from where I'm sitting! Seems to me you're just hiding out, feeling sorry for yourself.

Paul Bunyan:
Pecos, who is this kid?

Daniel Hackett:
Seems to me that you're just plain scared. You are not the Paul Bunyan my pa was telling me about.

Paul Bunyan:
How old are you, kid?

Daniel Hackett:
Twelve.

Paul Bunyan:
Do me a Sequoia-sized favor - Stay out of my way if you want to be thirteen.

John Henry:
My record was perfect before today.

Paul Bunyan:
Now you are forever tarnished with ignominious defeat.

Calamity Jane:
Well, paint my toenails and curl my hair.

Pecos Bill:
Calamity? My cactus flower!

Calamity Jane:
[shoots his cigar] Don't you "Cactus Flower" me, you double-crossing dog!

Pecos Bill:
I missed you, darling! If only you knew how much I've been thinkin' about you...

Calamity Jane:
I know too well, you pissant, flea-infested little weasel. [shoots the ceiling, causing a bucket to fall on his head]

Pecos Bill:
Calamity, you're looking mighty pretty tonight.

Calamity Jane:
Trying to sweet-talk me, you hairy, overgrown, meally-mouthed, two-faced, lyin', yellow-bellied snivelling snake?! [shoots his belt off] You gutless, brainless, heartless, sidewinder!

Pecos Bill:
[backed to a wall] Now, you still ain't sore about Amarillo, are you?

Calamity Jane:
You had to bring up Amarillo? [shoots an outline of Pecos Bill into the wall]

Pecos Bill:
Stupid ox! What's wrong with the dumb animal?! Why ain't he pulling, Paul?! Why'd he quit pulling, Paul?

Paul Bunyan:
It's very simple. If you insulted him, you have to apologize.

Pecos Bill:
Paul.

Paul Bunyan:
Mister Pecos Bill.

Pecos Bill:
I ain't apologizing to no ox.

Daniel Hackett:
I once seen a picture of New York City at night, it's all lit up with all these electric light bulbs. Can use a few of them right now.

Pecos Bill:
Electric light ball?

Daniel Hackett:
Light bulbs. They're balls of glass that light up hundreds of times brighter than the brightest candle.

John Henry:
Go on.

Daniel Hackett:
Well, pretty soon, people won't need lanterns, won't have to go chop their wood to make fires. Just turn this little knob and the electric light bulbs just come on.

Paul Bunyan:
But I like chopping wood.

Daniel Hackett:
Pretty soon, there won't be no darkness. It'll be like noontime at midnight.

John Henry:
Well, how are folks going to see the stars?

Daniel Hackett:
They just... won't see the stars, I guess.

Pecos Bill:
Well, I don't like it. No siree Bob, I don't like it one... Oh... [laughs] If you ask me, I think he's telling us a tall tale.

Paul Bunyan:
Yeah, that's a tall tale. That's a tall tale for sure.

Daniel Hackett:
That's God's honest truth.

Paul Bunyan:
Not see the stars?

Pecos Bill:
This ain't nothin' compared to the summer of '88. It was so hot, all the chickens was layin' fried eggs and babies was cryin' sawdust. Things got so bad, the whole state of Texas lit on fire. So I hightailed it up to Kansas...

Paul Bunyan:
Does this story have a point? Or does it just go on and on and on like this stinkin' desert?

Pecos Bill:
Yeah, this story has a point. I blew out the dang fire! You know, I'm gettin' sick and tired of you complaining and whining all the time!

Paul Bunyan:
I'm lost in a giant barbeque pit and I don't know what's going to kill me first: the heat, the thirst, or having' to listen to your inceseant yammerin!

John Henry:
[Kicking Paul with sand] You shut up, shut up, shut up, you over-grown tub of lard!

Paul Bunyan:
You stay out of this you-you contest loser! What did you call me?!

[Paul and Henry start to fight]

John Henry:
You're nothing but a big fat quitter! QUITTER, QUITTER, QUITTER!

Pecos Bill:
Harm one hair on that boy's head and you're a dead man, Stiles.

J.P. Stiles:
I got no quarrel with you, cowboy, or your friends.

Pecos Bill:
You sure got a peculiar way of showing it.

J.P. Stiles:
[to Daniel] The deed.

Pecos Bill:
You can't have the -

Daniel Hackett:
[pulls the deed from his jacket] We don't have a prayer. We never did.

Pecos Bill:
If that's your way of thinking, I reckon we don't.

J.P. Stiles:
You don't stop progress, cowboy. That's the difference between me and you. I can adjust to the times. You can't.

Paul Bunyan:
Don't listen to him, Daniel.

John Henry:
We can beat this thing yet.

Pecos Bill:
You've just got to believe, boy.

Daniel Hackett:
[hesitates, turns to Pecos, John and Paul] Where do you get off telling me what to do? Where do any of you get off telling people how to live?!

J.P. Stiles:
That's it, boy. That's the spirit!

Pecos Bill:
Don't lose the dream, Daniel.

John Henry:
You don't know what you can do until you try.

Paul Bunyan:
Don't give up on yourself, kid.

Daniel Hackett:
You all are nothing! Just a bunch of tall tales that my pa made up! [turns to Pecos Bill] And you are nothing but hot air.

J.P. Stiles:
I ain't got all day, boy. Time is money.

Pecos Bill:
Don't do it, Daniel.

J.P. Stiles:
Well, I see your pa sent a boy to do a man's job.

Daniel Hackett:
I come of my own accord!

J.P. Stiles:
The time for deeds is over, kid. Get off the track.

Daniel Hackett:
I'm telling you... to get out of Paradise Valley!

J.P. Stiles:
A little speck of dust like you? You really think you can stop all this? [showcasing the train and tunnel]

Daniel Hackett:
Well, maybe not, but I sure am going to give it my best shot!

J.P. Stiles:
All right. Have it your way, then. [to the engineers] Run him over. [pause] I said, run him over!

Daniel Hackett:
John Henry! Where have you been?!

John Henry:
[holding the train back] Just waiting for you to make your move, Daniel. Just waiting for your to make your move.

J.P. Stiles:
Mister, I got no fight with you.

Pecos Bill:
Naw, defenseless youngins' and farmers are more your style.

J.P. Stiles:
Mister, you just killed yourself.

J.P. Stiles:
Boy, be reasonable! You know we're gonna win in the end! [Daniel moves to strike the pillar] Stop! Just stop. All right, all right. I admit it. You got me over a barrel. My back's to the wall. Name your price.

Daniel Hackett:
I ain't interested!

J.P. Stiles:
You fool! There'll be others just like me, and more after them and after them. Long as there's a profit to be made, we'll never stop. We're comin'!

Daniel Hackett:
Not through our land!