That Awkward Moment

Jason:
[Referring to Mikey following news of his divorce] I don't know what we should do man.

Daniel:
We need to get him a hooker.

Jason:
No, I don't think so.

Daniel:
Yeah, we'll use a coupon and get him a cheap hooker.

Ellie:
[after sex] I wasn't going to do that. I was going to hold out, like make you wait for 40 days.

Jason:
I was going to make you wait, and then I realized I'm a dude.

Preppy Guy:
I need a drink too. I'll get you a drink too.

Ellie:
Honestly what if I enjoy the drink. What happens then?

Preppy Guy:
I'd love to hear what you think happens then.

Ellie:
I'll tell you what happens then we go play beer pong with your two roommates until I end up back at yours in Murray hill.

Preppy Guy:
Yeah, that's right how'd you know that.

Ellie:
Yeah then I have to listen to your roommate have sex with Hilary, or Emily or whatever the girl's name is, until we fall asleep. And then a year later we're still playing beer pong in the same bars with your friends except now you feel pressured to get married and have kids because you think that's what I want.

Jason:
Then in the summers you drive up to the Hampton to meet his parents wondering the whole ride if they're going to think your pretty enough.

Ellie:
Smart.

Jason:
Wondering the whole ride if they're going to think you're smart enough.

Ellie:
Because no one is and then we have to drink shitty chardonnay.

Jason:
At a shitty garden party.

Ellie:
And have shitty conversations.

Jason:
About shitty people.

Ellie:
With his shitty mother.

Jason:
Who let's face it doesn't think you're smart enough.

Ellie:
Pretty.

Jason:
Let's face it, doesn't think you're pretty enough.

Ellie:
Because no one is.

Jason:
No one ever will be.

Preppy Guy:
What's all that sh*t, I'm just talking about a drink.

Jason:
Yeah, but it wasn't just a drink though, was it.

Ellie:
It was a marriage proposal.

Preppy Guy:
Woah marriage , nah. It was a vodka soda. Alright f*** you guys then. [preppy guy walks away]

Jason:
Drink?

Ellie:
Yep.

Jason:
Dude, are you taking a sh*t in there?

Daniel:
Absolutely not.

Jason:
Every time you come over, you take a sh*t.

Daniel:
No, I'm not taking a sh*t, I'm using a self-tanner!

Jason:
Self-tanner?

Daniel:
Yeah, I told that assistant in Vogue I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Tulum. I'm trying to face her off my roster. [he pauses briefly] Also, I am taking a sh*t.

Daniel:
Yeah, everybody knows you can't call a girl a hooker. Even hookers hate being called hookers.

Ellie:
Being there for someone when they need you, that's all relationships are.

Mikey:
Which one of you divas uses self-tanner?

Daniel:
I do, why?

[Mikey walks out of the bathroom in nothing but a towel]

Mikey:
Because I beat off with it last night.

Daniel:
Why... why didn't you even read the bottle?

Mikey:
I was a little drunk.

Jason, Daniel:
What?

Mikey:
My sh*t is orange. [Mikey opens towel]

Jason:
Oh!

Mikey:
Look at this!

Daniel:
Oh my God!

Jason:
Oh no!

Daniel:
Who knew that could even happen to you? I didn't know you could change colors.

Mikey:
Stop.

Jason:
Your dick looks like a yam.

Daniel:
Your dick looks like a traffic cone.

Mikey:
Just stop.

Daniel:
Your dick looks like a can of cheddar Pringles.

Mikey:
That's f***ed up.

Jason:
Your dick looks like Spike Lee at a Knicks game.

Daniel:
If your dick was jumping over the river, it would be the General Lee. [Takes a sip out of his mug and spits it out in a fit of laughter]

Jason, Daniel:
[Both succumb to built up laughter]

Jason:
And he would give anything to back to that moment

Jason:
The moment where they first met.

Jason:
Before anything went wrong.

Jason:
Before he didn't show up for her when she needed him most.

Jason:
Before he understood that being there for somebody when it's most difficult is really all that relationships are.

Jason:
Jason knew that now.

Jason:
And he was so sorry for what he had done.

Jason:
But Jason also realized that in that moment, he wasn't afraid, because he thought wasn't the one.

Jason:
He was absolutely terrified, because he knew she was.

Jason:
And if she could give him just one more chance,

Jason:
just one more chance,

Jason:
she knew where to find him.

Daniel:
In high school I was voted "most likely to have the best eyes".