The Andy Griffith Show

Barney Fife:
If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.

Andy Taylor:
Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?

Goober Pyle:
Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em.

[after a haircut at Floyd's]

Andy Taylor:
Floyd.

Floyd Lawson:
What's the matter?

Andy Taylor:
My sideburns.

Floyd Lawson:
Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?

Andy Taylor:
Why, they're both even.

Floyd Lawson:
Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?

Andy Taylor:
I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

Andy Taylor:
What are you doing?

Barney Fife:
Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

Barney Fife:
Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and [patting gun] baby makes three.

[after getting in a fight with Andy]

Helen:
Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?

Barney Fife:
What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?

Andy Taylor:
You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly!" See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you!

Andy Taylor:
Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

Barney Fife:
I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!

Otis Campbell:
Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!

Barney Fife:
Oh, yeah?

Otis Campbell:
Yeah!

Andy Taylor:
Boys, stop it!

Otis Campbell:
Well, he started it!

Barney Fife:
I did not start it, he started it!

Andy Taylor:
[after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.

Barney Fife:
[through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor!

Ernest T. Bass:
If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.

Andy Taylor:
Opie! Time to come in, son.

Opie Taylor:
Aw Pa, just a little while longer... please?

Andy Taylor:
Well, OK.

[to Barney]

Andy Taylor:
Daylight's precious when your a youngen'.

Floyd Lawson:
[while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!

Briscoe Darling:
Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?

Dud Wash:
I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.

Andy Taylor:
He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Briscoe Darling:
One of the worst we got.

Barney Fife:
[about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.

Briscoe Darling:
[to Andy] He arguin' with me?

Andy Taylor:
No; he's agreein' with you.

Briscoe Darling:
Just so I know where I stand.

Dud Wash:
Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is! [grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]

Charlene Darling:
Dud! Stop it!

Dud Wash:
Aw. c'mon Charlene!

Briscoe Darling:
Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?

Briscoe Darling:
He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.

Dud Wash:
Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.

[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]

Dud Wash:
Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.

[twists his own nose]

Briscoe Darling:
Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?

Andy Taylor:
[telling Opie and his friends the story of Paul Revere] And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin! Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution!"

Barney Fife:
[Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?

Andy Taylor:
No, it's right.

Barney Fife:
You sure?

Andy Taylor:
Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".

Barney Fife:
[chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.

[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]

Barney Fife:
I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?

Rafe Hollister:
No.

Andy Taylor:
Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?

Barney Fife:
Why, I'd do it! [snapping fingers in rhythm] "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.

[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]

Barney Fife:
What was that!

Andy Taylor:
I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.

Briscoe Darling:
Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk! [Turns away from the window, then turns back] Doggone ya!

Andy Taylor:
Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!

Ernest T. Bass:
Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!

Barney Fife:
Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you [another rock come flying through the window]

Barney Fife:
Stop that! [Another rock hits the window]

Briscoe Darling:
Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!

[the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]

Briscoe Darling:
How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?

Charlene Darling:
No, Paw, That one makes me cry!

Andy Taylor:
[Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.

Briscoe Darling:
Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.

Ernest T. Bass:
I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass!

Ernest T. Bass:
I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!

Andy Taylor:
Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.

Barney Fife:
Hat in a horse trough?

Andy Taylor:
Yeah.

Barney Fife:
[while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?

Andy Taylor:
What?

Barney Fife:
I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.

Andy Taylor:
Mmm-hmm.

Barney Fife:
Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.

Andy Taylor:
Mmm.

Barney Fife:
Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...

Malcolm Tucker:
[interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it! [shouts] Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!

Barney Fife:
Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

Barney Fife:
Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.

Barney Fife:
Adios, amigo.

Briscoe Darling:
[to Andy] He one of ours?

Andy Taylor:
Oh, sure.

Briscoe Darling:
[to Barney] More power to ya.

Ramona 'Romeena' Ankrum:
It rained last week, ya know?

Ernest T. Bass:
Yeah... yeah... I was right there in it.

[Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney]

Andy Taylor:
All right, what's goin' on here?

Barney Fife:
Aw this boob here...

Gomer Pyle:
Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!

[after writing himself a traffic ticket]

Barney Fife:
A boob that's what I am, a boob!

[Goober thinks he has whiplash]

Goober Pyle:
Floyd made the diagnosis.

Andy Taylor:
Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?

Floyd Lawson:
What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.

Barney Fife:
Boy, giraffes are selfish.

Andy Taylor:
Where can we find this Ernest T. Bass?

Dud Wash:
Aww, he's a pestilence and a pestilence will find *you*... you just wait.

[Ernest T. Bass has crashed Mrs. Wily's party]

Mrs. Wiley:
He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.

Andy Taylor:
Like what, Mrs. Wily?

Mrs. Wiley:
Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.

Andy Taylor:
Didn't anybody try to stop him?

Mrs. Wiley:
Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away.

[Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou]

Opie Taylor:
Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?

Barney Fife:
Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'!

Floyd Lawson:
If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day.

Andy Taylor:
[to Emmett] You blew it. You stood right there and blew it.

Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh:
That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry.

Andy Taylor:
[on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.

[pause]

Andy Taylor:
Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.

Briscoe Darling:
[serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.

Briscoe Darling:
[Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?

Aunt Bee Taylor:
No elbows on the table.

Briscoe Darling:
[to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.

Barney Fife:
Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?

Andy Taylor:
What?

Barney Fife:
He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!

Andy Taylor:
That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?

Otis Campbell:
Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.

Andy Taylor:
Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?

Otis Campbell:
I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.

Andy Taylor:
[find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose.

Goober Pyle:
I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.

Andy Taylor:
Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.

Goober Pyle:
He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.

Helen:
What?

Goober Pyle:
I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?

Andy Taylor:
Uh, Goober...

Goober Pyle:
Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.

Andy Taylor:
That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.

Helen:
That was William Holden.

Goober Pyle:
William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else. [Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following] I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.

Andy Taylor:
[Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou.

Andy Taylor:
[Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?

Barney Fife:
[Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!

Andy Taylor:
Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up.

Barney Fife:
I couldn't give him the test last night!

Andy Taylor:
Why?

Barney Fife:
He was too drunk.

Barney Fife:
[to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!

Rummage Sale Customer:
Uh, how much is this?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, 'bout three dollars.

Rummage Sale Customer:
What you suppose it is?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
If I knew that it'd cost you five.

Rummage Sale Customer:
Sounds like a bargain.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Heh, yeah... yeah, one of these is nice to have.

Rummage Sale Customer:
I always wanted one.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Yeah.

[Andy and Helen have just explained to Goober that William Holden, not Cary Grant, was in "Picnic"]

Goober Pyle:
I can't do William Holden. He talks like everybody else.

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Testifying at hearing]... Why Andy's the best friend I got in the whole world. And as far as I'm concerned, he's the best Sheriff too. All them things I said; for example, his using the squad car for personal reasons. Sure, he was delivering groceries to Emma Watson because she was too sick to get down to the market. And that's just one example of the thing's Andy's done for the folks in this town. I could give you a lot more. You gotta understand, this is a small town. The Sheriff is more than just a Sheriff. He's a friend. And the people in this town, they ain't got a better friend than Andy Taylor. As far as Andy knowing his job... I'd just like for you to take a look in the record book Mr. Jackson. You know there ain't been a major crime committed in this town thanks to Sheriff Taylor? The only ruckus you'd ever have in Mayberry is if you tried to remove him from office. Then you'd have a riot. You asked me if Andy runs a taught ship Mr. Milton. Well, no he don't. But that's because of something that he's been trying to teach me every since I started working for him. And that is, when you're a law man and you're dealing with people, you do a whole lot better if you go not so much by the book, but by the heart. I guess maybe that's kinda hard for some of you to understand... I don't know... its all I got to say.

Barney Fife:
[Andy & Barney have just been called to calm the Boone's] Now Jenny, you put that cup down! Put it down RIGHT NOW!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You can't be serious about resigning. What in the world will you do?

Deputy Barney Fife:
Oh, I don't know... I could go up to the pickle factory. They always need a brine tester.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Standing in the middle of the room in his shirt and boxers] No Sir! You hand 'em over - I can put on my OWN pants!

Malcolm Merriweather:
[Holding Pants] But sir, the Colonel always...!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Never mind the Colonel! Gimme my pants!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, how 'bout, um, 'Knowledge is the... tool of life'?

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Good, Andy! Good! [writing] Knowledge is the tool of life. [to Andy] Who said it?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Me.

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Oh? I thought maybe it might be somebody like Shakespeare.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
No. I beat him to it this time.

Goober Pyle:
Did you know she's been walkin' all over town wearin' it?

Floyd Lawson:
Yeah. It's mink!

Goober Pyle:
Yeah, she told me. They're vicious little animals, ya know.

Deputy Barney Fife:
He buttered her up and she egged him on!

Andy Taylor:
Well, as Mark Twain said, everybody complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it.

Floyd Lawson:
Did he say that?

Andy Taylor:
Mm-hmm.

Floyd Lawson:
I thought Calvin Coolidge said that.

Andy Taylor:
No, no Floyd, Calvin Coolidge didn't say that.

Floyd Lawson:
What'd Calvin Coolidge say?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Call the man!

Gomer Pyle:
[Barney is upset with Gomer and walks out, refusing to speak to him] What's the matter with Barney?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well Gomer, Barney's been bitten by the green eyed monster.

Gomer Pyle:
He has? Well they got some stuff down at the drugstore that'll keep 'em off of you. One fell on me just yesterday!

Barney Fife:
The last big buy I made was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.

Andy Taylor:
What'd ya get 'em?

Barney Fife:
Septic tank.

Andy Taylor:
For their anniversary?

Barney Fife:
Yeah. Oh, they're really hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use. They were really thrilled. Two tons of concrete, all steel reinforced.

Andy Taylor:
You're a fine son, Barn.

Barney Fife:
I try.

A Townsman:
[Talking about the sidecar] Sheriff, if you fill it up with water you can take a bath on the way.

Barney Fife:
[Walks in wearing helmet, leather gloves, and a leather jacket] Mounted patrol checking in.

Andy Taylor:
How are you Baron Von Richthofen?

Barney Fife:
If you ride with your mouth open in the wind and put your tongue against the roof of your mouth, its impossible to pronounce a word that begins with the letter 's'.

Andy Taylor:
You didn't let anyone see you riding with your mouth open?

Briscoe Darling:
Briscoe: I can take a bossy mouth, but I ain't about to be beat to death with no spoon.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Gomer, I have to uphold the law, no matter what! It's only what any responsible person should do. Why, even if I weren't a policeman, I would still arrest you for making a illegal U-turn... any person can do that, you know... it's called a citizen's arrest.

Gomer Pyle:
[seeing Barney make a U-turn with his squad car as he drives away] Hey! HEEEYYYY - - BARNEY! You made an illegal u-turn YOURSELF! You're breakin' the law, and so I, as a responsible person, need to arrest you! Citizen's arrest! Citizen's arrest!

Floyd Lawson:
Maude! Al! If those hamburgers are ruined, I won't be responsible!

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Floyd and he have run out of gas, and in walking about looking for some have arrived at a mountain cabin belonging to wealthy Mr. O'Malley. Barney decides to shout to see if anyone's home] O'Malley! Charlie! It's me, Barney Fife!

Floyd Lawson:
[Aghast] You shouldn't call a rich man by his first name!

Deputy Barney Fife:
[to Floyd] The Bigger they are, the nicer they are.

[shouting]

Deputy Barney Fife:
Hey, Chuck!

Deputy Barney Fife:
[as seductive as a nervous little guy can be] Let's you and me dance.

Big Maude Tyler:
[Suprised - Barney had refused her before] You kiddin'?

Deputy Barney Fife:
No, I'm not.

Big Maude Tyler:
What made you change your mind?

Deputy Barney Fife:
[REALLY trying to be seductive now] You're beginnin' to get to me.

Big Maude Tyler:
Oh, for the love of... NAOMI! The hamburgers are burnin'!

Convict Sally:
[Barney has shouted for O'Malley and the three women are freaking as to how to deal with the situation. Maude has Sally and Naomi move to a wall away from the windows saying she'll handle it] I hope she knows what she's doing.

Jalene Naomi Connors:
Don't worry, Maude's a very clever woman; she'll think of something brilliant. Just watch.

Big Maude Tyler:
[shouting a response to Barney] There's nobody here!

Floyd Lawson:
How come you're putting on your uniform?

Deputy Barney Fife:
In case we decide to hitchhike.

Floyd Lawson:
Oh.

Deputy Barney Fife:
In civies I'm a little hard looking.

Barney Fife:
[Barney is writing a song, doesn't know Andy is standing behind him, sung to the tune of Clementine] In a jailhouse/down in dixie/fighting crime and risking lives/live a sheriff/ and his buddy pistol packing Barny Fife. Oh my daring/oh my daring/ oh my daring Barney Fife/He's a deadly crime stopper/what a copper Barney Fife. Then one day there/came a ridin'/two bad men to rob a bank. But Fife was tricky/a deadeye dickie/now they're locked up in the tank....

Andy Taylor:
...Oh my Barney/Oh my Barney/had a jail but couldn't lock it/had one bullet for his pistol/had to keep it in his pocket

Charlene Darling:
[Telling Andy why she is divorcing Dud] Last Sunday, I caught him makin' eyes at Idell Bushey durin' preachin'. And I know what they do up there in the hills when they say they're possum huntin'. They're just sittin' around the campfire, drinkin' hard cider, hittin' each other on the shoulder and hollerin' 'flinch!'.

Briscoe Darling:
[Agreeing with Andy to play another song] All right, uh, how 'bout "Boil Them Cabbage Down"!

Charlene Darling:
[Protesting] Oh, no, Pa! That one makes me cry!

Briscoe Darling:
Just try to control yourself...

[Reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs to the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches]

Barney Fife:
A dog can't get struck by lightning. You know why? Because he's, he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now, now if they was giraffes out there in that field, well then we'd be in trouble.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Aww, Emmett does all right.

Goober Pyle:
Yeah, but he don't drive a big car like that.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, they're nice to have, but they're not everything. Emmett's got a good life. He's got good friends and a nice wife. Those things are important.

Goober Pyle:
Well, they got to be if you ain't got a big car.

[Andy, Barney and the recruiting sergeant watch as Ernest T. Bass incur his wrath on Mayberry for not getting into the Army]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Look at him go. He's a strange one.

Recruiting Sergeant:
He's a wild one.

Deputy Barney Fife:
He's a nut.

Goober Pyle:
Hey, Andy

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Hi, Goob

Goober Pyle:
I got Aunt Bee's car in tip-top shape.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, good.

Goober Pyle:
What are you doin' with a Raleigh paper?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Readin' it.

Goober Pyle:
Andy, that's yesterday's paper.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I know it.

Goober Pyle:
You know that's not as stupid as it looks, readin' a day-old paper. I do it myself sometimes - kinda gives you a sense of power, don't it? I mean knowing how everything's gonna come out.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I'm-I'm looking for the announcement of the auto show in Raleigh; it opened yesterday.

Goober Pyle:
Well, you want to know where it's at? It's at the convention hall all weekend. Who's going to the auto show, Andy?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, Aunt Bee wants to see the new models; she's thinking of trading in her old car.

Goober Pyle:
That's a good thing - that car is on its last leg.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You said it was in tip-top shape.

Goober Pyle:
That's before I knew she was going to trade it in.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
She's just thinking of trading it in; she might keep it.

Goober Pyle:
Well, it's still got plenty of miles on it.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Anybody ever tell you you're a straw in the wind?

Goober Pyle:
No. A feller in the service called me a hayseed though. I let him have it.

[repeated line]

Goober Pyle:
You wouldn't believe how he abuses this car. Speed, speed, speed's all he ever thinks about.

Goober Pyle:
[Climactic eruption] Gilly, you can't drive a car fast all the time - you gotta take her slow every now and then!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[menacingly backing Goober up against the gun case] Now Goober, I'm gonna run on home, because if I don't, I'm liable to start hollerin'. And when I'm done hollerin', I'm liable to take down one of these guns and shoot you, you understand?

Goober Pyle:
[Terrified] Yo!

Goober Pyle:
I know! But a employee aught to have a vacation every now and then. To fish and rest. I don't wanna burn myself out. I 'member my daddy tellin' me a person's only got one body, and he was right, too.

Deputy Barney Fife:
On this job there's only two kinds of cops: the quick and the dead!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
That just proves that opposites attract.

Goober Pyle:
Attract what?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Each other.

Goober Pyle:
Oh! Well, when I get married, I'm gonna marry exactly the same kinda woman I am. That ain't gonna be easy to find, ya know.

Deputy Barney Fife:
[after the two farmers crowd him when he asks them to move their vegetable stand outside of the town limits] You're both a lot bigger than I am. but this badge represents a lot of people. And they're a lot bigger than either of you. Now are you going to get movin'?

Ernest T. Bass:
Right or wrong I'm here to fight. Unless you run away with fright. And if you wonder who I be, it's me it's me, it's Ernest T. Whoo hoo.

Ernest T. Bass:
[yelling at Malcom Merriweather] I'm warning you! Now today is Thursday. If you're still here on... what's the day after Thursday?

Floyd Lawson:
Uh Friday.

Ernest T. Bass:
Right. If you're still here on Friday, which is the day after Thursday, I'll WHOOP the fire outta you.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Now I'm warning you, if you throw one more rock...

Ernest T. Bass:
I promise you Sheriff, I won't throw one more rock. [Sheriff Taylor walks away] . Didn't say nothin' 'bout no brick!

Wally:
[asking about Mr. Tucker's car] Did it sound something like this? First it ran smooth, then it kind of... ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Then it ran smooth again, then another ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

Malcolm Tucker:
Yes.

Wally:
Then a whzzzz-cha-chk-pkpft. Then she dies?

Malcolm Tucker:
Yes... that's it!

Wally:
Uh-huh, uh-huh. You've got yourself a clogged fuel line...

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
How'd you know that?

Wally:
From the sound.

Opie Taylor:
[as Mr. Tucker is leaving] Hey Mr. Tucker, you aren't gonna leave, are you?

Malcolm Tucker:
I have to, son.

Opie Taylor:
Aw, rats! If you were staying, I was going to get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs.

Malcolm Tucker:
Sounds terrible!

Opie Taylor:
No it ain't - that's adventure sleeping!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
If you ask me, this Ernest T. Bass is a strange and weird character.

Briscoe Darling:
Just plain ornery's what he is.

Deputy Barney Fife:
I think he's a nut.

[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, can't you and your boys handle him?

Briscoe Darling:
Well, we thought about killin' him, kinda hated to go that far.

Briscoe Darling:
[as they're waiting for Ernest T to show up] Ya bring your stringin' instrument, Sheriff?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, I didn't think we'd have time for music.

Briscoe Darling:
You got time to breathe, you got time for music. How many strings you used to?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
There are six on my guitar.

Briscoe Darling:
Well, here's one with five. Just kinda let that thumb hang free and enjoy the music!

PFC Dudley A. 'Dud' Wash:
Hey, how about playing "Never Hit Your Grandmaw With A Great Big Stick"?

Charlene Darling Wash:
Aw, Dud, that makes me cry.

Ramona Ankrum:
It rained last week.

Ernest T. Bass:
I know. I was right there in it.

Ernest T. Bass:
How do you do Mrs. Wi-i-ley?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ernest T. I know how important it is to ya to get a girl.

Ernest T. Bass:
I've tried courtin' Hog Winslow's daughter; Hogette.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Pretty name.

Ernest T. Bass:
Hogette is French. French name.

[animated]

Ernest T. Bass:
Well, I courted her as proper as proper can be. First off I wrote her a love note asking her to go on out with me. And then I tied it on to the prettiest rock ya ever did see. And then I give it the prettiest toss ya ever did see... right through the front window!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, did Hogette come on out with ya?

Ernest T. Bass:
Couldn't. Caught her right there.

[points to a spot above his left ear]

Ernest T. Bass:
Seven stitches.

Barney Fife:
Yeah, well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters goin' wrong, you got to nip it in the bud.

Andy Taylor:
I'm gonna have a talk with 'em. Now, what more do you want me to do?

Barney Fife:
Well, just don't mollycoddle them.

Andy Taylor:
I won't.

Barney Fife:
Nip it. You go read any book you want on the subject of child discipline and you'll find that every one of them is in favor of bud-nippin'.

[Arnold has just been taken by his father to the woodshed against his will crying and screaming "I want my bike!"]

Opie Taylor:
Is Arnie going to get spanked, Pa?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Don't you think he deserves it?

Opie Taylor:
I don't want to say. After all, he is one of my own kind.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
...where there's somewhere like 400 needy boys in this county alone, or 1 1/2 boys per square mile.

Opie Taylor:
There is?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Sho' is.

Opie Taylor:
I never seen one, Pa.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Never seen one, what?

Opie Taylor:
A half a boy.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, its not really a half a boy, its a ratio.

Opie Taylor:
Horatio who?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Not Horatio. A ratio. Its mathematics - arithmetic. Look now Opie, forget that part of it. Forget the part about the half a boy.

Opie Taylor:
Its pretty hard to forget a thing like that Pa.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, try.

Opie Taylor:
Poor Horatio.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Now look Opie, Horatio is not the only needy boy... Son, uh, didn't you ever give anybody anything just for the pleasure of it. Something you didn't want anything in return for?

Opie Taylor:
Sure, just yesterday I gave my friend Jimmy something.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Now thats fine. What'd you give him?

Opie Taylor:
A sock in the head.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I meant charity.

Opie Taylor:
I didn't charge him nothing.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I meant something for the joy of giving.

Opie Taylor:
I enjoyed it.

Goober Pyle:
Are you sayin' I don't like music?

Emmett Clark:
I didn't say that.

Goober Pyle:
Well, you better not.

Emmett Clark:
You may like music as much as I do.

Goober Pyle:
Watch your step.

Emmett Clark:
Oh, yeah? Did you ever hear the Raleigh Philharmonic?

Goober Pyle:
I been busy.

Otis Campbell:
[speaking of a mosaic he created] I find I do my best work when I'm just a little gassed.

Deputy Warren Ferguson:
Oh, Otis.

Otis Campbell:
Oh, don't act so sad. Now I've got two hobbies.

Howard Sprague:
Job like that the world's your oyster.

Goober Pyle:
What?

Howard Sprague:
Just an expression, Goob.

Goober Pyle:
Boy, they're sure comin' up with some crazy ones.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, I don't carry a gun, but my deputies do.

Andy Taylor:
When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's gettin' might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they would respect me.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
The way everybody's acting, you'd think I'd come out against the flag and motherhood.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Andy and Barney walking out of the bank with Barney disgusted at how apathetic everyone, including Asa, the security guard, is toward the bank's security; and Andy trying to calm Barney down] Now simmer down, Barn.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Four years Asa's been walkin' around without any screws in his gun. Where's the hardware store? Right down the street a whip and a whisker away. Boy, oh boy.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Alright, I'll go get screws and put 'em in Asa's gun. What kind of gun has Asa got?

Deputy Barney Fife:
Oh, one of those old Teddy Roosevelt Horse Pistols

[shouting to several prisoners]

Barney Fife:
Now here at "The Rock" we have two basic rules. Memorize them so that you can say them in your sleep. The first rule is... Obey all rules. Secondly, do not write on the walls, as it takes a lot of work to erase writing off of walls.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You could put a sign in the window saying 'Two Chairs - No Waiting.'

Floyd Lawson:
Two chairs... and I've got the magazines to swing it!

Charles Foley:
[Recounting the incident of 20 years ago] One word led to another, and he punched me, right in the nose! [giggles]

Deputy Barney Fife:
What's so funny?

Charles Foley:
Can you imagine Floyd punching anybody? It was more like a *boop*!

Andy Taylor:
[Showing Rafe different medical tools] This is a stethoscope. Know what it does?

Rafe Hollister:
Naw.

Andy Taylor:
It lets you hear your heartbeat. Wanna hear your heartbeat?

Rafe Hollister:
What for... I know my hearts beatin'

Andy Taylor:
Well I know but...

Rafe Hollister:
I'm alive ain't I?

Andy Taylor:
Well yah but...

Rafe Hollister:
Well then my hearts beatin'!

Andy Taylor:
Just listen to it. [Puts the stethoscope on Rafe's ears and the mic to his heart] See...? Now listen to mine. [Moves the mic to his own chest] See, ain't that somethin'?

Rafe Hollister:
All right, now we know we're BOTH alive!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Addressing the Darling boys after meeting their newborn niece] You boys must be pretty proud to be uncles?

Briscoe Darling:
[Explaining after the boys remain silent with a blank stare] Oh, they're too choked-up to say anything.

Briscoe Darling:
[to Charlene, after Andy asks for her to sing] Well sing that love song that I like so well.

Charlene Darling Wash:
Oh that one makes you cry, Pa!

Briscoe Darling:
Well, I'll fight it! [He does, however, end up crying during the song]

Briscoe Darling:
[to Andy, suggesting the next song for them to sing] How 'bout, uh, "Will You Love Me When I'm Old and Ugly?"?

Charlene Darling Wash:
[Protesting] Oh, no, Pa, that one makes the baby cry.

Andy Taylor:
Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.

John Masters:
Dipping a hat in a horse trough?

Andy Taylor:
Yeah.

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Did you like the white beans you had for supper?

Andy Taylor:
Mm-hmm.

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Well, you didn't say anything.

Andy Taylor:
Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is.

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Well...

Andy Taylor:
Eatin' speaks louder than words.

Aunt Bee Taylor:
You know, your education was worth every penny of it.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Ernest T. Bass, what are you doin' here? How'd you get outta jail?

Ernest T. Bass:
[chuckling] Irritatin', ain't it.

Ernest T. Bass:
I'm no account, Andy. I'm no-count.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You're not no-count, Earnest. You're just... ignorant, that's all.

Ernest T. Bass:
Aw, you're being kind.

Helen Crump:
[in front of the 5th grade class] Mr. Bass, return to your seat!

Ernest T. Bass:
Okay. Can I tell you somethin' before I do?

Helen Crump:
What is it?

Ernest T. Bass:
I *love* you.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I just don't know what to do. I can't put him in jail, he keeps breakin' out. I can't make him understand he's got to leave Helen alone. I don't know what to do with him.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Well, you won't listen to me - you won't listen to your old dad. All I have to do is give him a couple of karate chops, flip him into a corner, and he'd get up and head back for the mountains, never to be seen again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
He'd kill you. [Barney looking annoyed]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, the easiest way is to satisfy him - he wants an education, we'll give him an education. We'll fix him up with a diploma and everything.

Deputy Barney Fife:
I still say, five minutes behind the barn!

Helen Crump:
He'd kill you.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Now, here, here is a map of the United States.

Ernest T. Bass:
"United States."

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
That's right. Now the United States is bounded on the north by Canada, on the south by Mexico, on the east by the Atlantic Ocean, and on the west by - uh, would, uh, you happen to know that?

Ernest T. Bass:
[thinks] Old Man Kelsey's woods!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
No. All the way to the edge - big body of water.

Ernest T. Bass:
Old Man Kelsey's crick!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Ocean.

Ernest T. Bass:
Old Man Kelsey's ocean!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Pacific Ocean.

Ernest T. Bass:
"Pacific Ocean!"

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Very good, very good.

Ernest T. Bass:
Yeah, I sure know my boundaries good, don't I?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
You sure do.

Ernest T. Bass:
[frowns] Just as long as they don't change 'em 'fore I take my test.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Gentlemen, I give you science in action, proof positive! The camera does not lie - THERE is your criminal! [Slams picture from security camera on desk, only to discover it's a picture he accidentally shot of himself setting up the device]

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Aghast] It's ME!

Gomer Pyle:
Hey, you take a purty good picture, Barn! Me, I never do.

Barney Fife:
Gentlemen, I give you science in action. Proof-positive, the camera does not lie; it sees all, tells all. There is your criminal.

[lays down photograph; Andy and Gomer look at the photo, and then at Barney, who then looks at the photo]

Barney Fife:
Well, that's me!

Gomer Pyle:
You take a real good picture, Barney. Me, I never do.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Jim?

Jim Lindsey:
Huh?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Why in the world don't you do somethin' about yourself?

Jim Lindsey:
What do you mean, Andy?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, you got a fine talent there. You're the best guitar player I ever heard.

Jim Lindsey:
Well that's mighty nice of you, Andy... But Mayberry ain't very big.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well now, who says you got to stay in Mayberry? You heard all these fellas that come through here playin' in the shows. How 'bout that fella we see every now and then on television, a'shakin' and a'screamin' - sounds like somebody's beatin' his dog. You're better than all of them.

Jim Lindsey:
Well now, I wouldn't say that.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well yes you are, too...

[Just after Sheriff Andy Taylor arrested Jim Lindsey, they practiced playing guitars of same rhythm and song]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[while Andy Taylor and Jim Linsey played guitars. Andy sang solo] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here. Gonna take me back in.

[Andy Taylor & Jim Lindsey play guitar instrumental, together]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Darlin', you can't love one. Darlin', you cant love one. Can't love one and have fun. Can't love one and have fun.

[Deputy, Barney Fife, came in to jailhouse, during second guitar instrumental, of Jim Lindsey and Andy Taylor]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Sing Barney.

[Jim Lindsey played his guitar, as Barney and Andy started singing together]

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Andy Taylor and Barney Fife, sang together] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here home again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
One more.

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Andy Taylor & Barney Fife sang together, as song was concluding, while Andy Taylor and Jim Lindsey played their guitars, together] Ridin' on that new river train. Ridin' on that new river train. Same old train that brought me here. Gonna take me back again.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
[Bobby Fleet & his band members were arrested off screen, now at Andy's desk] Guilty as charged. That'll be twenty dollars.

[$20.00]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
or 24 hours in jail.

Bobby Fleet:
[quickly spoken, in frustration] 20 fish for a crummy parking rap?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, we try to keep it low for the first offense.

Bobby Fleet:
Yeah, and how much of the 20 do you stick in your own kick?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Ohh, I wish you hadn't said that. I mean I don't mind an insult personally but you've offended the dignity of my robes. Now, let's see... what's our price for robe dignity offending? Why, that's $50.

Bobby Fleet:
[quickly spoken, in frustration] $50?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Yeah, plus the $20. That's 70 altogether.

Bobby Fleet:
Aw, come on now! Now, look Sheriff, there's no reason to get hot over the collar for this. I mean, you've got your job to do, and I've got mine. Now, uhh... Oh, that reminds me. We're playing at the capitol, over the weekend. Now, oh, how would you and your nice fine deputy here like to come and see us, huh? I'll see that you have a big time. Oh you'll be my guests, of course.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh,,,. Now, you have really done it.

Bobby Fleet:
[spoken very quickly, in exasperation] What, what, what, what, what?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well you just tried to bribe me is all. That's the worst thing anybody can do. I hate to tell you what the fine is on that.

Bobby Fleet:
Never mind I don't care what the fine is. I'm not going to pay it.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Oh, you mean you'll take the 24 hours?

Bobby Fleet:
That's just what I mean. No hick Sheriff is going to bleed me. We'll all stay overnight.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, that's the way it'll be then.

[Andy then banged gavel, closing the case]

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Deputy, lock up the prisoners.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Glad to! All right, let's move it along! Come on, on the double there! Come on, let's look sharp! Look sharp! Come on, get in there. And suck in that gut!

[Barney Fife jailed Bobby Fleet and his Band with a Beat members, while speaking at the same time]

Barney Fife:
All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty goin' on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we oughta stay clear.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is... A loaded goat.

Newton Munroe:
Sheriff, you gave me the confidence I needed! I found out I'm not inept! I'm ept!

Deputy Barney Fife:
You work with a person long enough you get as goofy as he is!

Deputy Barney Fife:
I am not superstitious and who says I believe in chain letters; I just don't mess around with them that's all.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Superstition!

Deputy Barney Fife:
Now here's where we come to a matter of terms; you call it superstition, I call it caution!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Hey, Barn, does the number 13 bother you?

Deputy Barney Fife:
I'm not crazy about it but it don't bother me.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
What are you gonna do tonight?

Deputy Barney Fife:
Nothing! Sit around in my room; not much can happen to me there.

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Nature's been good to you. I mean real, real, real good. I can't remember when I've seen nature spend as much time on one person.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Oh, boy, you're just full of fun today, aren't ya? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

Barney Fife:
[angry] Oh, boy, you're just full of fun today, aren't ya? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
What's small potatoes to some folks can be *mighty* important to others.

Opie Taylor:
Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?

Deputy Barney Fife:
[Barney trying to keep Andy from going home to dress for dinner] Well, it's a whim. Are you going to question a whim? You question a whim and you take the fun right out of it!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
Well, would it kill the whim if I just take a shower and put on some clean socks and underwear?

Deputy Barney Fife:
Sure it will! It's not a whim anymore if you put on clean underwear!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
I don't understand it. But I guess a fellow shouldn't question when he's getting a free supper.

Deputy Barney Fife:
That's right! Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. Can you let me have $5?

Barney Fife:
Yeah, we really packed it away.

Andy Taylor:
Yeah, boy.

Barney Fife:
Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.

Andy Taylor:
Mmm.

Barney Fife:
It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.

[pats stomach]

Barney Fife:
See there?

Aunt Bee Taylor:
Oh, Dr. Breen, your sermon has such a wonderful lesson for us.

Andy Taylor:
Yes, sir, you really hit the nail right on the head there.

Barney Fife:
Yes, sir, that's one subject you just can't talk enough about... SIN.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Well, play the game! Play the game! I hate it when you get obtuse!

Sheriff Andy Taylor:
He's one of our most respected citizens, one of our best church-goin' members. He knows every hymn in the book.

Deputy Barney Fife:
Aw, that's just a front! You watch him sometime when we're singin' "Leaning On The Everlasting Arms." He don't even know the words! He just moves his lips!

Andy Griffith:
Call the Man.

There is an episode of TAGS where Floyd Lawson says something similar to:

..."every head is a testiment."...,

but I'm not sure of the exact wording of this quote.

-Can anybody help me on this?

episde?)

Thank you so much!

Over & under,

Paul

pkasp@aol.com

Say hey to your mom and them. Homer pyle

You beat everything you know that