The Batman

Bane:
The Batman, I presume?

Batman:
The masked look must really be catching on.

Bane:
Defeat me, and I will allow you to remove it.

Batman:
Hate to disappoint, but I don't fight for sport.

Bane:
Then fight for your life!

Catwoman:
Hate to cut our first date short, cutie, but I like to leave a man wanting more.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Police! Freeze!

Mr. Freeze:
As you wish...

Mr. Freeze:
Have an ice evening.

Batman:
We both know you put yourself on ice. I'm here to bring on the thaw.

Batman:
Enough with the act. Lose the dummy.

Scarface:
I would, but he keeps following me around!

The Joker:
Don't make me slap you, Jack! Get it? Jack? Slap Jack? [laughs maniaclly]

The Joker:
Sorry Batman, but Joker always laughs last.

The Penguin:
That's it, my pretties. Show me the money!

Alfred Pennyworth:
The young man you were expecting apologizes. He won't be able to attend, I'm afraid.

Becky:
Let me guess. He's married.

Alfred Pennyworth:
To his work.

Batman:
If Catwoman were somehow, some way able to trace the signal back here...

Alfred Pennyworth:
We would have to rename it "The Catcave".

The Penguin:
Please, now that all pretenses are off, call me Penguin - a flightless bird, but one with style.

Batman:
The reviews are in, Joker, your show's a flop.

Rupert Thorne:
How-How'd you do that?

Batman:
I'm The Batman.

Detective Ethan Bennett:
You're through, Joker!

The Joker:
Ah, Detective, or should I say, Night Watchman.

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Oh, so you remember me now?

The Joker:
I've never forget a face I've tormented.

Bruce Wayne:
First day, Ethan. Nervous?

Detective Ethan Bennett:
I was a cop for six years, Bruce. You think I can't handle staring at a monitor? [steps into a room with monitor covered walls] Whoa!

Bruce Wayne:
Make that 350 monitors.

The Joker:
Detective Bennett... You're Clayface?

Clayface:
You turned me into Clay!

The Joker:
Funny, I was trying to turn you into dust.

Detective Ellen Yin:
[about Clayface] He could be anywhere.

Bruce Wayne:
He could be anyone.

The Penguin:
[seeing Joker as The Batman] Joker?

The Joker:
I'm The Batman!

The Penguin:
You see the thing is... you're *not*!

The Joker:
The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you!

The Penguin:
Are you out of your gourd? I'm in the middle of a heist! You don't see me barging in on your "Gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you? It is called professional courtesy!

Batman:
[about Killer Croc's plan] Tens of thousands will be killed.

Killer Croc:
And I'll shed a crocodile tear for each and every one of 'em.

The Penguin:
[to Man-Bat] What are you? And what do bats have against me, anyway?

Firefly:
You shouldn't play with Firefly!

Batman:
Keep a lookout.

Detective Ellen Yin:
I thought I was your partner.

Batman:
But you're not my sidekick.

Poison Ivy:
You're getting to be a real thorn in my side, Batman.

Batman:
And you're no rose, Poison Ivy.

Ragdoll:
Kitten's got claws.

Catwoman:
[cracks her whip] Kitten's got a whip!

The Joker:
[upon noticing Hugo Strange] What a coinky dink! I wanted to talk about the Arkham diet. Too. Many. Nuts.

The Joker:
He didn't even ask about Yin-In-The-Box.

Batman:
And to think here I thought earthquakes struck without warning.

Temblor:
Buddy, you just dialed "D" for destruction!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Set up a perimeter. If Mr. Quake so much as breathes, I want someone there to tell me what he had for lunch.

Barbara Gordon:
Pam, you hired a thug!

Pamela Isley:
Yeah, you'd be surprised what you can find on the Internet.

Poison Ivy:
Who knew you had a sidekick?

Batman:
I don't.

Batman:
Let me make myself clear. There's no room for a Batgirl in Gotham.

Batgirl:
That's cool, because it's Batwoman. As in I'm a grown woman and I don't need to listen to you.

Batman:
Then for your own safety, if you don't listen to me, I'm going to have tell your father, Ms. Gordon.

Batgirl:
Ah... You must have me confused with some else. [silent for a second] Dude! You just broke the superhero secret identity code.

Catwoman:
[to Batgirl, about Batman] I bet he never lets you drive.

Batgirl:
He barely lets me sidekick!

The Joker:
Knock-knock!

Killgore Steed:
[opening the door] Evening, Joker.

The Joker:
[disappointed] You're supposed to say, "Who's there?"

The Joker:
[to Punch and Judy] You two don't count - you're not sidekicks, you're goons.

Batgirl:
It's the end of the world.

Robin:
No it's not, it just looks a whole lot like it.

Tony Zucco:
Let me be blunt, John. I don't think this circus or your family can afford not having our protection.

Robin:
Funny, cause I think we can.

Tony Zucco:
And what makes you so sure about that, Sonny.

Robin:
I called the police 5 minutes ago.

Bruce Wayne:
And guess who intercepted that call.

Robin:
Is there a reason why this costume has to be so colorful?

Mary Grayson:
Because when I see you up there Richard, you make me think of a little robin.

Robin:
Ugh. A robin? Like the bird?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Dinner is served.

Robin:
I think this table might be bigger than my family's entire trailer.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Indeed. It can seat 22 and sleep half that number.

Bruce Wayne:
I've been thinking Dick. I'm not sure Bruce Wayne has what it takes to raise you properly.

Robin:
Yeah, kinda noticed he's never around. But if not Bruce Wayne, what about the Batman?

Bruce Wayne:
We'd have to give you a name.

Robin:
How about Robin?

Bruce Wayne:
Like the bird?

Robin:
It's a family name.

Alfred Pennyworth:
What has Master Bruce ever done to you?

The Penguin:
Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

The Penguin:
Just one question, Batman: How'd you find me?

Batman:
You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.

The Penguin:
Please! Now that all pretenses are off, call me Penguin, a flightless bird, but one with style!

The Penguin:
Bruce Wayne! King of the castle, ruler of the roost.

Bruce Wayne:
Have we met?

The Penguin:
Cobblepot. Oswald Cobblepot.

The Penguin:
I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

Clayface:
Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.

Batman:
Let him go.

Clayface:
What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.

Batman:
It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't wanna cross a line that you can't uncross.

Clayface:
Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed for good!

Detective Ellen Yin:
Ethan, no!

Detective Ethan Bennett:
It's not cool anymore to reveal secret identities, Yin.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Not that it matters.

Bruce Wayne:
When I can be anyone I choose.

Batman:
And when I'm no longer sure what I am.

The Joker:
Except a freak! [laughs] You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman?

Clayface:
Thought so.

Batman:
Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.

Clayface:
You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin, he melted my mind! I am a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!

Batman:
Impressive. You have all the answers, D.A.V.E., except one. Every great supervillain, as well as a superhero, has an origin too. What's yours?

D.A.V.E.:
My origin? I... I... fell into a chemical bath.

Batman:
That's Joker.

D.A.V.E.:
A cryogenic mishap. No, no. I... I lost my family fortune.

Batman:
Freeze. Penguin.

D.A.V.E.:
I was a mad psychiatrist using Arkham as my cover.

Batman:
That's Professor Strange, your creator. You can't remember your origin because it doesn't exist. You're a computer program.

Batman:
Strange.

Professor Hugo Strange:
Ah, the Dark Knight returns.

Batman:
D.A.V.E.'s escape wasn't a glitch, wasn't it, professor?

Professor Hugo Strange:
You don't mean to say that I deliberately unleashed Gotham's Ultimate Criminal Mastermind?

Batman:
I am saying you might find Arkham a better home than office.

Professor Hugo Strange:
The line between genius and insanity is often blurred. Ha!

[Professor Strange wields a blaster. Batman pins him down and sees Strange's fan collection of him]

Batman:
Didn't know you were such a fan.

Professor Hugo Strange:
Your obsession with criminals fascinates me as much as the criminals themselves.

Batman:
Shut down D.A.V.E., now.

Professor Hugo Strange:
I might have created D.A.V.E., Batman, but I no longer control him.

Batman:
Then tell me how to stop him.

Professor Hugo Strange:
You can't. You see, he was designed to stop you. D.A.V.E. enacted his crimes in order to bait you into encounters, in order to study you.

Batman:
And why would he want to study me?

Professor Hugo Strange:
Because I also programmed my psychology into D.A.V.E.'s brain. D.A.V.E. shares my fascination with you, Batman, and right now, has learned all there is to know about you.

[after knocking out several security guards]

D.A.V.E.:
Estimated lack of conciousness, 10 minutes, 34 seconds. Estimated completion of data aquisition, 9 minutes, 15 seconds.

[approaching a password-protected door]

D.A.V.E.:
A million possible security codes. Let's try them all.

[begins typing very quickly and the door opens]

[Dave has just completed his new body]

Scientist:
Wh... What are you?

D.A.V.E.:
Not "what." "Who."

[the scientist stares in fear]

D.A.V.E.:
I like your coat.

D.A.V.E.:
You would probably like your tracking device back? Another predictable move.

Batman:
Then my next move won't suprise you, either.

[they fight]

D.A.V.E.:
Not only am I smarter than you, Batman, I am faster and stronger!

[on a jumbotron above the city]

D.A.V.E.:
Hello again, Gotham. Now that the preparations are complete, on with the crime itself... involving all of Gotham's major banks.

[begins hacking bank servers]

D.A.V.E.:
Now, most great crimes are based on the foundation of monetary gain. Diamonds, gold, art, etc. But pilfering meer money is so passe these days. That is, unless one steals EVERYONE's money.

[drains the accounts of all the citizens of Gotham]

D.A.V.E.:
Voila. I'm rich, you're not.

D.A.V.E.:
[still on the jumbotron] The ultimate crime should induce mass hysteria.

[shuts down the power grid]

D.A.V.E.:
Because fear is the felon's friend.

[several car accidents ensew immediatly]

D.A.V.E.:
Oh, and what crime is complete without the personal touch...

[the city lights illuminate his name]

D.A.V.E.:
My calling card! And there you have it, Gotham. The ultimate crime!

[Batman returns to the Batcave to find D.A.V.E]

D.A.V.E.:
Welcome home... Bruce.

Batman:
You should have told me you were stopping by. The place is a mess.

D.A.V.E.:
Humor. Often used as a coping mechanism in high-stress situations.

The Joker:
I am the conductor here, and I say you need your ticket punched! [hits Batman with extended boxing glove]

The Joker:
[Joker calmly watches as Judy attacks Batman with a bench] Aww, such hospitality. Judy wants you to have his seat...

Batgirl:
[Batman, Batgirl and Robin are trapped in a giant bird cage underground. Joker's train is facing them] Let me guess, you're going to run us over with your train, right?

The Joker:
[feels insulted by the comment] Please... I assure you, that joke's too obvious, even for me!

The Joker:
[after explaining his plan to destroy Gotham City by collapsing the cave system under it with explosives] Ashes to ashes... and all that rot.

Green Arrow:
[Batman and Green Arrow are being carried in a craft made by Green Lantern's power ring] Feel like you're in the backseat of your parents' SUV?

Batman:
Just don't ask me "Are we there yet?".

Batgirl:
So how am I typing like this?

Martian Manhunter:
I'm feeding the codes into your brain.

Batgirl:
Woah! We've gotta talk about personal boundries after this is over.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Detective Bennett has also been kidnapped by Joker. He was subjected to intense psychological torment and then exposed to unstable chemicals which completely melted his body and mind.

Professor Hugo Strange:
Mr. Bennet has been clearly psychologically traumatised by our former patient, Joker, and by his own transformation.

Detective Ellen Yin:
We've really lost him, haven't we, Wayne?

Bruce Wayne:
Ethan has passed the point of no return. Now, only Clayface remains.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Detective Bennett has also been kidnapped by Joker. He was subjected to intense psychological torment and then exposed to unstable chemicals which completely mutated his body and mind.

Professor Hugo Strange:
Mr. Bennett has been psychologically traumatised by our former patient, Joker, and by his own transformation.

Ragdoll:
[after stealing a family heirloom in front of Alfred, Bruce and Selina Kyle] The looks on your faces. [Gasps] Priceless. Perhaps I'll snatch those too. Ha ha ha ha ha!

The Riddler:
Someone is very bright. Step into the light so the Riddler can see you.

Robin:
Now I know why Joker is such a nutjob... it's because this much "smiling" makes you crazy.

Robin:
I'll never fit in if the other kids see me riding in a limousine. It isn't normal.

Alfred:
You flit around the city every night in tights and a cape. Is that normal?

Sinestro:
Give me the ring, or suffer the consequences!

The Penguin:
Can I take a sec to think it over?

Sinestro:
No!

[wearing the Green Lantern's ring]

The Penguin:
Guess I better be glowing...

Green Lantern:
As a matter of fact, I think we're a lot alike.

The Batman:
You mean stubborn?

Green Lantern:
I was going to say we have an enormous amount of willpower, but stubborn works too.

Batgirl:
You OK, Bats?

Bruce Wayne:
It's nothing, it's... just a sudden sense of d?j? vu.

Robin:
Deja what?

Bruce Wayne:
It's a French term. Describing when you feel like you've experienced a situation before.

Batgirl:
Robin by the way, is French for duh!

The Joker:
Stop me if you've heard this one: Two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other...

Batman:
Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

The Joker:
You call that a punch line?

Batman:
I don't share your sense of humor.

The Joker:
Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman: Two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other...

Batman:
Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

The Joker:
You call that a punch line?

Batman:
I don't share your sense of humour.

The Joker:
Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman:
The gas, Joker, or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

The Joker:
Well, if it's gas you want...

[He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time]

The Joker:
Place all tray tables in their upright positions.

[Joker laughs maniacally]

The Joker:
You have made me one very sad clown. [discovers that Batman is gone] Where'd you go?

Batman:
Knock-knock.

The Joker:
Who's... there?

[Batman punches Joker]

The Joker:
They all said I was sick in the head. They said I needed help. Well, maybe I am a bit batty. Blame it on the bats in my belfry.

[Joker laughs maniacally]

Batman:
Stop this thing, Joker.

The Joker:
With what brakes?

[They begin fighting]

The Joker:
[while fighting Batman] You know, I really love this place. My old hideout's a shambles. And these digs just scream me! [after fighting Batman] Okay, take back the asylum! But mark my words: this town has happy days ahead!

Arkham Orderly:
Steiner, check. McSwain, check. 2-23 vacant.

[the orderly sees a figure with green hair in cell 2-23]

Arkham Orderly:
Hey. No-one logged any new arrivals. [He opens the cell door] Whoa! What are you doing in here? What the...?

[the figure also has white feet, yellow teeth and red eyes]

The Joker:
I was feeling a bit screwloose, so I checked myself in.

Arkham Orderly:
Who? Who are you?

The Joker:
[pulls out a playing card from his long sleeve] My card. [He cackles maniacally]

Arkham Orderly:
No. No, no, no!

[the figure sprays green gas at the orderly]

The Joker:
Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

[Batman comes face-to-face with Joker, a clown with white skin, green hair and a huge red grin on his face]

Batman:
What did you do to him?

The Joker:
Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you? Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman:
Who are you?

The Joker:
Joker.

Batman:
Not what. Who?

[Batman places one hand on Joker's face. There is no sign of white paint on his hand]

The Joker:
Smear-free. It's perma-clown! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese!

[Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand]

The Joker:
I'm out of gas.

Batman:
And I'm out of patience!

[Batman punches Joker]

The Joker:
You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?

Batman:
Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

The Joker:
Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do, lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

Rupert Thorne:
How'd you do that?

Batman:
I'm the Batman.

Cab Driver:
[after screeching to a halt as Batman and Firefly fly past him with jet packs] I'm movin' to Metropolis.

Robin:
Wonder what Batman will have us on next.

Robin:
[Imitating Batman] I have an important mission for you two. The bat-mobile must be washed. Two coats of wax this time.

Batgirl:
[Imitating Batman] And don't forget to hang one of those tree-shaped air fresheners. The fate of Gotham depends on it.

Batgirl:
Batman. Figures.

Robin:
No wonder you always take point. You're good.

Bruce Wayne:
And you guys are pretty good at grunt work. Now who wants to wash the bat-mobile?

Bruce Wayne:
[Opens Egyptian journal] According to these artefacts, when the two jewels are properly configured they're capable of harnessing the power of the sun.

Catwoman:
You read ancient Egyptian?

Bruce Wayne:
The pictures help.

The Joker:
[after being downloaded into WayneTech nanobots] Ooo... I feel like a million bots!

The Joker:
I'm the new and improved version... Joker 2.0!

The Joker:
[returning to the hideout after escaping the hospital] More like a cheap knock-off, plus one bad joke.

The Joker:
I wonder if The Penguin has these staffing problems?

[The Joker 2.0 has been uploaded into the computer]

The Joker:
How'd I get back in here? And who the heck are you?

Nightwing:
[Pounding his fists] Nightwing!

The Joker:
When Joker's through clowning with you, you wouldn't know where to find your mind! [cackles maniacally]

The Joker:
If Gotham belongs to Joker, the dull face of tragedy must become the rubber face of comedy!

The Joker:
All it takes is one rotten day to transform a normal man into a monster! Well, in my case, a rotten day and a chemical bath. [laughs maniacally]

Chief Angel Rojas:
Wouldn't you say, Detective?

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Chief. BACK OFF!

Chief Angel Rojas:
Bennett.

Detective Ethan Bennett:
This is not my fault, chief! No, no.

The Joker:
So we have issues with the boss, eh? Well, who doesn't? Bosses make terrific tormentors. Tote that barge, lift that bail, rewrite that script, sort that mail. All it takes is one too many orders to make the cuckoo call.

[Joker's origin is shown]

The Joker:
All it takes is one rotten day to transform a normal man into a monster! Well, in my case, a rotten day and a chemical bath. [Laughs]

Chief Angel Rojas:
He made you look like clowns. Six months ago, Gotham had the lowest crime rate in the nation. Yesterday, we were declared the world's scariest city! And that was before Joker's latest escapade.

Gotham P.D. Member #1:
But, chief, most of the guys on that board are in prison now, or Arkham.

Chief Angel Rojas:
And who received credit for those busts? You? Or you, Yin? I know it wasn't you, Bennett. So tell me, who?

Gotham P.D. Member#2:
Well, the Batman, I guess.

Chief Angel Rojas:
That's right. The Batman. Well, I'm tired of clowns and vigilantes turning my department into a laughing stock. So say hello to my new zero-tolerance policy against all these freaks. No exceptions. And, for starters, I want Gotham's finest to take down Joker before the Batman does. Capeesh?

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Chief Rojas, I'm going out on a limb here, but I've been thinking maybe we'd have more success if we tried working with Bats.

Chief Angel Rojas:
Working with the Batman? Maybe you could wear spandex and be the Bat's sidekick! You'd better figure out where your loyalties lie, Detective, and fast!

Chief Angel Rojas:
Joker remakes the largest monument in Gotham in his own image. In effect, telling us he owns this city. And you let him and the Batman get away?

Detective Ellen Yin:
Chief Rojas, Bennett nearly had the Bat, but the scaffolding gave way -

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Yin, it's all right.

Chief Angel Rojas:
No, Bennett, I don't think it is all right. One more blunder like tonight and you can kiss your badge goodbye.

Chief Angel Rojas:
Are you out of your mind, Bennett? I suppose you let the Bat waltz out of here too.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Chief, it wasn't Bennett's fault. I -

Chief Angel Rojas:
I don't wanna hear it, Yin. I warned you, Bennett. You're suspended.

Detective Ellen Yin:
Chief, you got it all -

Detective Ethan Bennett:
It's all right, Yin. I'm not so sure the badge suits me anymore.

Chief Angel Rojas:
Wouldn't you say, Detective?

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Chief. BACK OFF!

The Joker:
You mean to tell me the chief of police considers this vigilante a greater menace than me, the Clown Prince of Crime?

Alfred Pennyworth:
City champions that year, I believe. I suppose in a way you both still are.

Bruce Wayne:
Alfred, how would you feel about bringing Ethan into the fold?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Allow someone, besides myself, to know the Batman's identity? I'm certain Detective Bennett can be trusted.

Bruce Wayne:
Trust isn't the issue. Ethan needs to know the truth before circumstances force one of us to harm the other.

The Joker:
So the giraffe turns to the police chief and says: "The last thing I saw was that screwloose detective trying to pick the nuts out of the fruitcake!"

Detective Ethan Bennett:
[Laughs] "Nuts out of the fruitcake".

[They both laugh]

The Joker:
Detective, my therapy worked. It seems you and I finally share the same sense of humour

Detective Ellen Yin:
Don't fool yourself, Joker. Bennett plays for my team.

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Yin?

The Joker:
A yin to his yang.

Detective Ethan Bennett:
Rojas is gonna eat me alive.

The Joker:
The Batman. What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman:
You're never decent, Joker. Why bother putting a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker:
To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman:
Answers, Joker.

The Joker:
[mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman:
You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker:
[Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman:
[Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker:
Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman:
Then why -

The Joker:
Because I miss your company, Batman.

Batman:
[pushes Joker aside]

The Joker:
We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman:
Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker:
Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs]

[Joker pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman:
What?

[Joker blows out green Joker gas at Batman's face, causing him to collapse]

The Joker:
[Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

Bagley:
Well, I'm always delighted to speak to the press. Particularly the Gotham Gazette. Actually, I don't consider myself merely a top criminal psychiatrist here at Arkham. I view my role as the last line of defense between Gotham and psychopaths like Penguin, Freeze, and my prize catch, Joker. In fact I've been invited to a banquet of honor tonight for Gotham's most inspiring citizens at Gotham Palace Theatre. And I have just enough time to grab my coat. Did I provide enough details for my profile?

Alfred Pennyworth:
Oh, you've been more of a help than you know, Dr. Bagley.

[Bagley hangs up]

Alfred Pennyworth:
Pompous windbag.

Batman:
Where's the judge, Joker? How'd you manage to be in two places at once? And why the mime act?

[Batman notices a recorder of Joker laughing and destroys it with his foot. He wipes at his face and sees it is makeup]

Batman:
You're a pale imitation. The real Joker doesn't wear makeup.

[the red eyes fall off to reveal green eyes. Batman removes the rest of the mask to reveal a frightened young man]

Nolan:
Don't hurt me!

Batman:
Who are you?

Nolan:
Nolan. I'm an orderly.

Batman:
Arkham?

Nolan:
Joker said he'd do me in unless I helped him with his plan. Gave me the keys to his place to bring him stuff and -

[Batman pushes Nolan aside]

Batman:
Who else is Joker after?

[Nolan uses the large gun in defense. Suddenly a flag pops out of its spout, saying "Surprise"]

Batman:
Surprise?

[the gun aims on Nolan, instead of Batman, and turns him into a full deck]

Batman:
According to Arkham, Joker's still locked in his cell, has been all night long.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Perhaps Joker left some manner of decoy in his place.

Batman:
Could be, Alfred. But other things don't add up. Joker abducted Judge Wigzell but not before leaving him for the police and me to see.

Alfred Pennyworth:
You're not expecting Joker to actually make sense, are you?

Batman:
It was Joker's calling card. His way of announcing his plan.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Do you think there's more to come?

Batman:
Maybe Joker's out to collect a full deck of those who've crossed him.

Alfred Pennyworth:
51 more victims? Where would you start?

Batman:
One name is sure to be on his hit list: The Batman.

Batman:
I left Joker's understudy in clown storage for the time being. Joker clearly didn't want him talking.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Why not chip the fellow out and question him further?

Batman:
Because I'm through being Joker's fool. I'm gonna get my answers straight from the horse's mouth, at Arkham Asylum.

[Joker mutters to himself in his Arkham Asylum cell when Batman appears]

The Joker:
The Batman. What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman:
You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

[Joker laughs]

The Joker:
To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman:
Answers, Joker.

Batman:
You're a pale imitation. The real Joker doesn't wear makeup.

Batman:
The reviews are in, Joker. Your show's a flop.

Batman:
You're going back to Arkham, Joker, for a long game of Solitaire.

The Joker:
Funny, Batman. You're quick with the punchline!

Batman:
You gambled, Joker. You lost.