The Bob Newhart Show

Howard Borden:
I was, uh, just decorating my Christmas tree and I was wondering, is there a trick to stringing cranberry sauce?

Emily Hartley:
Hi Bob.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[referring to Jerry's new girlfriend] She's a back-buster.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Howard?

Howard Borden:
Yeah Bob?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Asking if he's predictable] Would you call me a fuddy-duddy?

Howard Borden:
Okay... you're a fuddy-duddy! Ha-ha-ha!

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
No ,Howard... do you think I have trouble dealing with changes?

Howard Borden:
I mean ,I know I have a lot of changes going on in my life right now ,the are a lot of changes going on in the world. You know ,cities change & values change. The whole universe is expanding.

Howard Borden:
You think that's bad? They've got a new emcee [M.C] on 'Bowling For Bucks'.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Sounding concerend] They keep going.

Howard Borden:
Take things in stride Bob. Go with the flow ,go with the flow.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Nodding in agreement,shrugs] Go with the flow.

Emily Hartley:
[Door buzzer rings ,Emily comes out] I'll get it ,must be the pizza. [Gets money from Bob] Honey? Ah... thank you. [Pays man] Oh ,thank you... keep the change.

Howard Borden:
[Overjoyed and eager to eat] OH BOY! PIZZA! PIZZA! OH BOY ,OH...

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Gives command ,as if to a dog] No! You,heel! Heel Howard!

Emily Hartley:
Well ,here we are gentlemen ,one #7 pizza!

Howard Borden:
[Still very happy] #7! That's my favorite pizza in the whole wide world!

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Looks at pizza] That isn't #7 ,it's got anchovies on it!

Emily Hartley:
[Reading paper flyer on box] Well ,they've got a new menu. They have anchovies on #7 now.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Disgusted] I hate anchovies!

Howard Borden:
[Calm ,then very upset] They changed my favorite pizza. [pause ,then odd yell] Aaaah! [Stumbles around] I can't breathe ,open a window! I'm getting vapors,I'm getting vapors! I'm getting hives! I'LL SUE ITALY! [Leaving out the apt. door] AAAaahh!

Emily Hartley:
[Bewildered by Howard's reaction] What 'is' the matter with him?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Calmly] Emily, you have just seen a man go with the flow.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Emily, aren't you afraid of dying?

Emily Hartley:
Well, sure, but I just try and think of it as part of life.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Yeah, the last part!

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[addressing his doctor following his physical] Are you saying I'm fat?

Dr. Klein:
Fat? No. Let's just say you're a little short for your weight.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Emily, what happened to all of the bourbon?

Emily Hartley:
Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[to his friend] Would you like a glass of chicken, Howard?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Remember when I asked you where you wanted to go on our honeymoon? Hawaii, Acapulco? Did flying have anything to do with the fact you chose Gary, Indiana?

Howard Borden:
Oh, please. Let's not talk about flying. I just got back from Los Angeles. It was the hairiest flight I ever had. First time the *pilot* ever got sick.

Emily Hartley:
[Addressing Bob, who came home to find all the furniture rearranged] You hate it, right?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
I won't say I hate it; it's just alien to anything I've ever liked before.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
[Unhappy with Emily's choice of marriage counselor] Emily, I thought you were supposed to find someone neutral.

Emily Hartley:
I did.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
She's a woman!

Emily Hartley:
That's right, Bob. I said neutral, not neuter.

Elliot Carlin:
Yesterday morning... I was possessed by the devil.

Howard Borden:
Then I'll just say... Checkers!

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Checkmate.

Howard Borden:
Whatever.

Mr. Emil Peterson:
I'm a trained killer!

Mrs. Lillian Bakerman:
[after a pause] Isn't that nice?

Michelle Nardo:
My father said I looked as big as a horse!

Mrs. Lillian Bakerman:
[after a pause] Maybe he was watching Gunsmoke.

Carol Kester Bondurant:
He's never been late this early before.

Emily Hartley:
Eleanor. We LOVED having you. Don't you Bob?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Yeah Yeah, Mom. Uh, love.

Mrs. Martha Hartley:
So do I.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
I think between the three of us, I said it.

Carol Kester Bondurant:
...is being late a serious enough problem to see a psychologist about?

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Well, Mr. Hastings is a lifeguard.

Mrs. Martha Hartley:
...you're a grown-up man, sonny.

Dr. Robert Hartley:
I love coffee.

Dr. Jerry Robinson:
I love tea.

Elliot Carlin:
I love the Java Jive and it loves me.

Dr. Robert Hartley:
[on telephone, ordering Chinese food while drunk; repeated line] Moo goo goo goo!

Dr. Robert Hartley:
[on telephone, ordering Chinese food while drunk;] More goo to go!

Dr. Robert Hartley:
[while on phone ordering Chineese food, turns to Mr Carlin] Next!

Elliot Carlin:
I'll have the sweet and sour pork.

Dr. Robert Hartley:
Make up your mind, Mr Carlin!

Elliot Carlin:
Ok, I'll have the Moo Goo Gai Pan.

Howard Borden:
I'm all thumbs when it comes to hitchhiking.

Emily Hartley:
We're certainly looking forward to meeting your wife!

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
...and her lover.

Alan Durocher:
That may be difficult... they are usually on the Riviera this time of year.

Emily Hartley:
Bob, that boy just winked at me.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
You want me to beat him up?

Howard Borden:
Are we gonna chit-chat all night or are we gonna play Scrabble?

Emily Hartley:
Well of course we're going to play Scrabble ,Howard... it's your turn.

Howard Borden:
Good! I win ,I used all my letters.

Emily Hartley:
[Looks at it doubtfully and spells] Z-O-O-P-H-Y-T-E?

Howard Borden:
[Firmly] Zoophyte! [zoo-fight]

Corrine Murdock:
I challenge you Howard Borden,there's no such word as Zoophyte!

Howard Borden:
There is so! Zoophyte... uh ,a disagreement between 2 or more animals in a zoo.

Corrine Murdock:
Excuse me Howard ,I don't mean to doubt you... but that's bull. Words were my business ,I used to work in a library.

Howard Borden:
[Defensive] Well, I've been to a lot of zoos!

Emily Hartley:
[Checking dictionary ,then surprised] I don't believe it ,there is such a word.

Corrine Murdock:
[Timidly] It was a very small library.

Emily Hartley:
[to Howard]... but it doesn't mean two animals fighting ,it's a kind of sponge.

Howard Borden:
W-well ,that's what I meant. The last time I was at the zoo ,the sponges were going at it hammer & tongs!

Howard Borden:
[pause as the ladies can't believe it] Well! Let me see that's 368 points for me and ZERO for you two. Tough noogies! Ha-ha!

[repeated line]

Joan Rossi:
Typical, that's typical.

Dr. Robert 'Bob' Hartley:
Where does the time go?

Cliff Murdock:
Cleveland.