The Cat in the Hat

Sally:
Who are you?!

Cat:
Who, me? Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... "meline"... "key lime"... "turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

Sally:
Where did you come from?

Cat:
Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...

Conrad:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you come from?

Cat:
My place, what do you think?

Cat:
[looking at a photo] Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?

Conrad:
That's my mom.

[pause]

Cat:
Awkward.

Fish:
Stop this right now!

Conrad:
Who said that?

Fish:
Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.

Sally:
The fish is talking.

Cat:
Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

Thing 2:
Don't belittle me.

Cat:
Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.

Thing 2:
And all of the above.

Cat:
He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.

Thing 2:
[chuckles] "Ben".

[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]

Cat:
Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

Cat:
[closes the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax, you probably don't wanna do that.

Conrad:
Why not? It's just a crate.

Cat:
This isn't just any old crate. It's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.

Conrad:
But it says there "Made in the Philippines".

Cat:
Yes, but not this Philippines.

[Conrad and Sally notice the Cat's car]

Conrad:
Wow! That's very cool!

Cat:
That's just the dust cover. [removes cover, exposing an unusual car] Here she is! The Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.

Sally:
S-L-O-W?

Cat:
Yeah, SLOW. It's better than the last name we had, Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

Conrad:
Oh! You mean–

Cat:
Oh! Quick to the SLOW!

Fish:
Someone else should drive!

Cat:
All right. You win. Concrete, you drive. [gives Conrad the wheel]

Conrad:
Are you serious?

Cat:
I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea", but I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the 12-year-old drive!" Now punch it.

Conrad:
This is awesome!

Sally:
I want to drive.

Cat:
I think that's a great idea. [gives Sally another wheel]

Conrad:
Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.

Cat:
You're right. We should all drive. [gets his own wheel]

Sally:
Like being in the Circus!

Cat:
Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

Cat:
Nice spread ya got here. Humina, humina, humina, humina! [looking at a photo] Who is this?

Conrad:
That's my mom.

[pause]

Cat:
Awkward. Yeah. [puts the photo in his pouch] Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually. Yeah. Although those drapes are a train wreck. [laughs then sits down] And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on. [begins to bounce] WHO IS THIS DREADFULLY UNCOMFORTABLE WOMAN?!

Sally:
Get off her. That's our babysitter.

Cat:
[sits up] What the? "Babysitter"? You don't need one of those, do ya? [picks up a hangar, then hangs a sleeping Mrs. Kwan on it, Conrad and Sally laugh] Lemme get this straight. You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. [hangs Mrs. Kwan in the closet] I'd do it for nothing. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Fish:
Stop this right now!

Conrad:
Who said that?

Fish:
Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then nothing.

Sally:
The fish is talking.

Cat:
Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

Fish:
Hey, socks, can it! This cat should not be here. He should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out.

Cat:
C'mon, kids! Ya gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees. [laughs]

Cat:
Okay. Section 8, article, 93, subparagraph 834. Right by the chili stain. Heh heh. It reads "If Conrad, aka Concrete, should open the crate (and we know he will), the contract shall be null and void.". [Conrad and Sally look down in despair] "However, if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes, the contract shall be reinstated.". And I think you 2 have satisfied the legal burden of learning.

Both:
YEAH!!!

Cat:
So there's just one last game to play. It's called "clean up the house". Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.

Both:
D-I-R-T?

Cat:
That's right! [wheezing laugh]

Cat:
Okay. We had some good times. We cleaned up the house. We even managed to work in an up-tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important. I guess there's just one last thing to check. [he takes out his phunometer and uses it on Conrad and Sally as it reads "Just Right"] Looks like everything's in balance. [to Sally] But you're still smoking way too many cigars. [to Conrad] And you, lay off the sauce! [he puts away his phunometer]

Sally:
Cat, this day has been...amazing. Thank you, Cat.

Conrad:
[embraces Sally] For everything.

Cat:
Conrad? Sally? Adieu. [leaves for the back door]

Sally:
CAT!

Conrad:
CAT!

Sally:
Wait, Cat!

Conrad:
Don't go!

Cat:
Aw... [hears the front door] Oh!

Announcer:
Live from the kitchen, the following is a paid commercial announcement for Astounding Products.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Hi! Welcome to Astounding Products. [applause] I'm your host, the guy in the sweater who asks all the obvious questions. Now, here to tell us about his astounding product for making cupcakes, all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...

Cheshire Cat:
ME! Hello! [applause] Now... Hello. I'm so excited! Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

The Guy in the Sweater:
I know I do. [laughs]

Cheshire Cat:
[slides appliances off the counter] Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes and say hello... [brings out the Cupcake-Inator] ...to the amazing Cupcake-Inator. I'm so excited! [laughs]

The Guy in the Sweater:
Cupcake-a-what?

Cheshire Cat:
[the crowd joins in] CUPCAKE-INATOR! Alright, this amazing device can instantly make cupcakes out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Wait a minute, did you say "anything"?

Cheshire Cat:
Anything!

The Guy in the Sweater:
Anything?

Cheshire Cat:
Yes, anything.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Anything?

Cheshire Cat:
Anything.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Anything?

Cheshire Cat:
[turns to the guy in the sweater] I'll get you and it'll look like a bloody accident! [the crowd laughs] Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid. [says what he puts in the Cupcake-Inator] You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs.

The Guy in the Sweater:
[amazed] What?!

Cheshire Cat:
How about a pack of hot dogs?

The Guy in the Sweater:
[laughing] That's incredible!

Cheshire Cat:
Why not some ketchup?

The Guy in the Sweater:
Yes, why not?!

Cheshire Cat:
How about...? I know what you're thinking. Even a fire extinguisher. There we go. [closes the lid] Now, close the lid and Bob's your flippin' uncle.

The Guy in the Sweater:
What an astounding product! [laughs]

The Cat in the Hat:
Oh yeah!

Cheshire Cat:
Open the drawer. [drawer open] Fill the patented Cupcake-Inator tray. [a purple solution pours out] Close the drawer. [drawer closes] Then place it in a conventional oven. [applause while the guy in the sweater dances and the Cupcake-Inator is placed in the oven] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Did you just say "minutes away"? [the crowd joins in] That's impossible!

Cheshire Cat:
You're not just wrong, you're stupid. [the crowd groans]

The Guy in the Sweater:
Now wait just a minute...

Cheshire Cat:
And your ugly, just like your mum.

The Guy in the Sweater:
Did you just call my mother ugly?

Cheshire Cat:
[holds up a meat cutter] OH, SHUT UP! I MEAN IT! I WILL END YOU!!! [grunts as he cuts off his tail, leaving Conrad, Sally and the Cat staring in disbelief]

Sally:
Um, Cat, your tail.

Cheshire Cat:
What about me? Oh, I see. I've chopped it off. Well, that's interesting because... [sees his tail cut in half] SON OF A BI- [a loud and long bleep is heard, along with The Cat covering Conrad and Sally's Eyes, the Guy in the Sweater makes the screen go to the "Hang in There, Baby!"]

The Cat:
[holding Joan's dress] Look, I'm a girl. [purrs and wipes the purple stuff off the wall, Sally and Conrad get mad]

Sally:
STOP! THAT'S...

Conrad and Sally:
MOM'S DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Cat:
[shocked] This filthy thing?

Sally:
She was gonna wear that tonight, and you ruined it!

The Cat:
Honey, it was ruined when she bought it. [snaps his fingers two times] mmmm, mmmm, yeah [snaps his fingers two times again] mmm, mmm, yeah, mmmmm-mmmmmm...

The Fish:
I told you all of this would happen. But no one listens to a fish! [the Cat groans] A dog goes woof-woof and everybody knows that a little Timmy's trapped under a log, but a fish speaks plain English.

The Cat in the Hat:
A monster? Where? [Conrad and Sally scream] That could've gone better [laughs wheezingly]

The Cat in the Hat:
There is a third option. [plays 3 dramatic chords on the keyboard] [Conrad and Sally: There is?] Yes. It involves...murder. [plays 3 more dramatic chords on the keyboard]

The Cat in the Hat:
[as Cheshire Cat, after cutting off his tail] SON OF A BI- [bleep]

The Cat in the Hat:
[repeated line] OH YEAH!!!!!

Conrad Walden:
Mom, that guy's a total phony! You can't let Larry-

Conrad Walden:
Sally! Everything's disappearing up there! HELP!

Conrad Walden:
I wish I had a different mom.

Sally Walden:
Well, this is just great, Conrad. The whole house is destroyed, the party is ruined, and now Nevins is gone.

Sally Walden:
Nevins? Nevins, come back!!!!!!!

Larry Quinn:
NOBODY LIKES A SUCKUP!!!!!!!

Larry Quinn:
I'm sending Conrad awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... [Nevins pees on his taco] OH! OH! [Nevins starts barking, and sniffs his taco that Nevins peed on] OH! [Nevins barks] I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!

Larry Quinn:
[sneezes] Why am I sneezing? [Cat touches him by his shoulder] [Cat: That'd be me. BOO!] You're a giant- [sneezing] CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [screaming, tears the wall paper falls off the cliff, his last words] JUUUDAAAAAAS PRIEEEEEEEEEEST!!!!! [splashes in the purple river]

The Fish:
Children, this cat is currently in the violation of [counts to 17] seventeen of your mother's rules! [phone rings] [Cat: City Morgue!] [loses it] EIGHTEEN!