The Change-Up

Mitch Planko:
Don't back that thing up into me.

Jamie Lockwood:
I need to lay off the Thai food.

Dave:
What if she wants to have sex tonight?

Mitch Planko:
You are not having sex with my wife.

Mitch Planko:
This is a calendar. It has a schedule of everything you need to do of everyday. It is at least 15 hours in a day. This is a grocery store. People buy food here. If you are unsure, call your wife. Always make sure you call your wife first.

Mitch Planko:
I know. You once took your vibrator into the bathtub. You then got electrocuted while using it and now you have a bald spot on your vagina.

Jamie Lockwood:
[slaps Dave] How dare you tell him!

Mitch Planko:
Growing up we both had dreams. Dave wanted to be an astronaut, I wanted to sell dolphins on the black market. But found thats hard to do. We live in Atlanta... dolphins are hard to find...

[first lines]

Jamie Lockwood:
[early morning baby crying] Your turn...

Mitch's Dad:
I'm getting married again and I'd like you to come to the wedding.

Mitch Planko:
When's the wedding?

Mitch's Dad:
Next Saturday. My betrothed, Pamela, would like you to be there to say a few words.

Mitch Planko:
I'll catch the next one...

Jamie Lockwood:
[Mitch at the door] He's early.

Dave:
Yeah, you'd be early too if all you did all day was eat hummus and masturbate.

Cara Lockwood:
What's "hummus"?

Dave:
That is a Mediterranean spread, honey.

Cara Lockwood:
What's "master-ate"?

Jamie Lockwood:
It's a cracker.

Mitch Planko:
We do the Wheelbarrow, the Arabian Goggles, the Lonesome Dove, the Arsenio Hall, the Jelly Donut, the Pastrami Sandwich, the Wolfgang Puck. And let me tell you something, no man is that hungry.

Dave:
What? I don't even know what these are.

Mitch Planko:
You're married. You're married, Dave.

Mitch's Dad:
We should probably go, ya know, take a piss.

Dave:
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Mitch Planko:
You ready to take a piss?

Dave:
You bet your ass I am.

[last lines]

Dave:
Is it weird I miss your penis?

Mitch Planko:
Ah, come on, it would be weird if you didn't...

Mitch Planko:
So I can't sleep with my wife, I can't sleep with other women. What the hell is that?

Dave:
Marriage.

Dave:
[Mitch's line as Dave] "Here's what you do: what you do is you f__k verbal resolution, okay? You put that whore on her back, and you SHANK her. Do you know how to make a shiv? Listen to me: If somebody comes at you with a knife, you put her whole family in the morgue. That is jail-yard justice. Because if you don't come back hard on a b___h, you're going to end up getting sold for a pack of Camel Lights and a Jell-O Cup. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?... Always solve your problems with violence!"

Mitch Planko:
Life doesn't always turn out exactly how you planned it. Sometimes, just sometimes, it turns out better.

Dave:
[in Mitch's body, showing his date outfit comprising of an outdated, ill-fitting shirt and triple-pleated khakis] So, how do I look?

Mitch Planko:
[in Dave's body, cringing at the date look] Well, all you have to do is just grow a mustache and lure a ten-year old kid into your van.

[office phone rings]

Dave:
[puts phone on speaker] Hello?

Mitch Planko:
Penis, sh*t, vagina, cock, wolf pussies!

Dave's Secretary, Patricia:
[stares in shock into Dave's office from her desk]

Dave:
[quickly puts phone off speaker] Mitch. I'm at work.

Mitch Planko:
[wearing a headset while swinging a samurai sword] Did I get you?

Dave:
Yeah. Sure did.

Mitch Planko:
You have me on speaker phone?

Dave:
Yup.

Mitch Planko:
Secretary hear?

Dave:
Yes, the secretary heard. She heard it all.

Mitch Planko:
Ha! That's awesome.

Dave:
Not really. How stoned are you right now?

Cara Lockwood:
[runs toward Mitch] Uncle Mitch!

Mitch Planko:
[hugs Cara and tosses her lightly into the air] How's my favorite ballerina doing?

Cara Lockwood:
Hi, Uncle Mitch!

Mitch Planko:
Hi! Wow! Gosh, you're so light - are you dieting?

Cara Lockwood:
You want to come to my dance recital?

Mitch Planko:
Oh, no, honey... the only style of dancing that Uncle Mitch likes involves a big, shiny pole and a broken woman with daddy issues.

Mitch Planko:
[looks at the two babies, Peter and Sarah] Look at these little... f***ers!

Mitch Planko:
[pokes baby Peter] Hey, what's your name? What's your - what's your name?

Mitch Planko:
[looks at Dave and Jamie] Why can't they talk yet? Are they retarded or something?

Dave:
Now, see, you can't say that.

Mitch Planko:
[points at Peter] Well, at least this one right here seems a little... a little downsy.

Mitch Planko:
[whips out a joint while driving] Wanna hotbox this nutsack?

Jamie Lockwood:
[opens door] Oh hi, Mitch! Your hair looks good.

Mitch Planko:
Thanks! Yeah, I had to cut it for a... f***ing tampon commercial.

Sabrina McArdle:
What do you do Mitch?

Mitch Planko:
Me? For a living?

Sabrina McArdle:
Yeah.

Mitch Planko:
You know, umm... I am... I... I... When I'm not eating hummus and ferociously masturbating, I dabble in light porn.

Mitch Planko:
And at the end of the day, do you now what you get?

Dave:
A f***ing gun with a bullet to blow my head off with!

Mitch Planko:
Sometimes you wish.