The Charmings

Snow White Charming:
[referring to Lillian] Mother's spells run hot and cold. Maybe she is going through the change?

Queen Lillian White:
How dare she insult my witchcraft! Oh, is it hot in here?

The Mirror:
Well, Lillian, let's examine the evidence first. You get us stuck here, now you've brought Cinderella. Next I suppose it will be Goldilocks and The Three Bears, then what are you going to do?

Queen Lillian White:
We'll buy some porridge... OK?

Fairy Godmother:
Cinderella always has a happy ending, and so do Snow White and Prince Charming

Snow White Charming:
You mean we can all go back to the Enchanted Forrest?

Fairy Godmother:
Of course, I have my pumpkin coach right outside.

Eric Charming:
Snow, did you hear that?

Snow White Charming:
We can go home.

Fairy Godmother:
Now everyone hurry and pack because the coach turns into a pumpkin at the stroke of 11.

Eric Charming:
I thought it was midnight?

Fairy Godmother:
That's EFT "Enchanted Forest Time"

Eric Charming:
Have I ever told you how I met your mother, son?

Thomas Charming:
A million times. Grandma gave Mom a poison apple, you rode along on your white horse and kissed her, and woke her up.

Snow White Charming:
[to Eric] Honey, somehow it sounds better when you tell it.

Eric Charming:
You left out the best part, that's how I've awakened her ever since.

[Eric and Snow kiss]

Thomas Charming:
Why don't you get an alarm clock like everyone else!

Sally Miller:
After the game these guys usually go out together, they drink beer, eat pizza, tell off color jokes, and have belching contests.

Snow White Charming:
Why?

Sally Miller:
It's what they call male bonding.

Snow White Charming:
Well, Eric will just have to bond another time because he told me he's coming to my meeting.

Sally Miller:
Honey, none of the husbands go to these things. What makes you think you're married to the only prince?

Snow White Charming:
Trust me!

Snow White Charming:
Mother, you shouldn't be doing bad deeds this close to Christmas, you want to be on your best behavior for Santa.

Queen Lillian White:
Santa? You two still believe in Santa? Oh this is rich.

Snow White Charming:
Why shouldn't we believe in him?

Eric Charming:
Hasn't he come every year on Christmas Eve?

Queen Lillian White:
This is not the Enchanted Forrest, this is the Twentieth Century. There are no wishing wells, no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, and certainly no Santa Claus.

Sally Miller:
[knocks on the door, then enters] Hi, you guys want to come to the mall to see Santa Claus?

Snow White Charming:
Has anyone ever told you that you are a cold, heartless woman?

Queen Lillian White:
Yes, but I never tire of hearing it!

Cinderella:
Fairy Godmother, I really want to go home.

Fairy Godmother:
Oh, stop your whining and go look for your shoes!

Fairy Godmother:
Perhaps now you realize that good will overcome evil.

Queen Lillian White:
Oh, blow it out your wand!

Queen Lillian White:
[Lillian has been called in for an IRS audit, and is speaking to herself] They're not going to intimidate me, they're not going to intimidate me, they're not going to intimidate me.

IRS Agent:
Next! [points to Lillian]

Queen Lillian White:
You can't do anything to me, I've done nothing wrong.

IRS Agent:
I hear that all the time. When it comes to tax fraud, everyone swears they're "lilly white."

Queen Lillian White:
But I am Lilly White!

IRS Agent:
Sure, sure, sure. Now sit down!

Queen Lillian White:
I'm warning you, I'm a witch!

IRS Agent:
Oh, yeah? So is my wife. Now, you say you're self employed. Doing what?

Queen Lillian White:
Doing this. [she makes the lamp on the desk levitate]

IRS Agent:
Not bad. But I saw that on a Bud Light commercial. [Lillian then zaps up a huge snake]

IRS Agent:
Any other dependents?

Queen Lillian White:
Tough room! [zaps the snake away]

IRS Agent:
Now look, lady, I've been doing this for 22 years. I've seen it all, I've heard it all. Now where did you get the money?

Queen Lillian White:
I tapped into the credit system through my magic mirror.

IRS Agent:
Ok, I haven't heard it all.

Eric Charming:
Luther, guess what I am getting Snow for our anniversary?

Luther:
Wall to wall carpeting?

Eric Charming:
No, we're getting a car!

Luther:
All right! A new set of wheels.

Eric Charming:
No not just the wheels, the whole thing. This is going to be the best anniversary ever! Right, Snow?

Snow White Charming:
Oh Eric, what about what mother said?

Eric Charming:
Honey, I would much rather get you a car than a muzzle.

Snow White Charming:
No. About when it comes to cars, you don't know diddly.

Eric Charming:
Oh, that. Honey don't worry. You know it's like making any decision, you get some good solid advice from someone you know you can trust.

Snow White Charming:
Like who? [Snow, Eric and Luther then watch a commercial playing on their TV]

Honest Abe:
[dressed as Abraham Lincoln] Need help buying a car? Then see me, Abraham Jones, AKA "Honest Abe." The honest used car salesman. Don't be a slave to that old jalopy, let me emancipate you into a beautiful new used car. Take it from me, "Honest Abe." Why, if I can't give you the best deal in town, I'll eat a log cabin!

Eric Charming:
Honey, I think we found our man!

Virginia:
Let's talk about us.

Eric Charming:
I beg your pardon.

Virginia:
You'd look great in Saran Wrap!

Queen Lillian White:
[Lillian casts a spell] Let's see those tramps from Oz top that!

Snow White Charming:
Besides, Elliot's gay.

Eric Charming:
Well of course he is, he's with you all the time!

Snow White Charming:
No, honey....

Eric Charming:
Oh! Oh, you mean like Tweedledum and Tweedledee!

Queen Lillian White:
Well, I've got to find a way to make some money. I couldn't find the goose that lays the golden eggs, I can't spin straw into gold - and where's Midas when you need him?

The Mirror:
Selling mufflers.

Queen Lillian White:
Double, double, toil and trouble. Wilma, Fred and Barney Rubble!

Sally Miller:
Oh, Don, why don't you lend Eric our electric hedge trimmer?

Eric Charming:
Well, thank you very much, but we don't have an electric hedge.

Snow White Charming:
In this world, looks are everything. Oh, how else do you explain Vanna White?

Eric Charming:
Well, does this mean that I have to go to a health club?

Snow White Charming:
No! Sally says men are allowed to be fat. Ugly too, as long as they're rich.

The Mirror:
[Lillian conjures up counterfeit cash] Lillian, this is not what I meant when I said you should make some money.

Queen Lillian White:
What do you think?

The Mirror:
[the mirror studies a bill] Hmmmm... Well, for starters it should be George Washington or Alexander Hamilton, not George Hamilton!

Snow White Charming:
This is called a high-protein drink. You're going to love it.

Eric Charming:
Somehow I doubt that.

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Women and diets, huh? You don't see men so obsessed about their appearance.

Eric Charming:
I know. It doesn't bother me that my teeth are a little too white and my shoulders are a little too broad.

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Right, right.

Eric Charming:
And you don't mind being short and losing your hair.

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Wonder what's keeping Sally.

Snow White Charming:
According to a panel of experts, "you should never yell at your children when you're angry."

Eric Charming:
Why would you want to yell at them if you're not?

Luther:
You are an evil, vicious, spiteful old woman.

Queen Lillian White:
I am not old!

The Mirror:
Who'd want to go out with you?

Queen Lillian White:
Who wouldn't? I'm beautiful, cultured, interesting...

The Mirror:
You poison people.

Queen Lillian White:
Tell me that's not interesting!

Rhonda:
I'm a hairdresser.

Eric Charming:
Really? What exactly do you dress a hare in?

The Mirror:
Confidence is the only thing that stands between a man who succeeds and one who is defeated before he starts.

Rhonda:
Well, I guess you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince, huh?

Snow White Charming:
Mmmm. My cousin did that.

Eric Charming:
Do you know you're as beautiful as the first time I saw you?

Snow White Charming:
Awww, the first time you saw me, I was dead!

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Sally, the man's wearing tights.

Sally Miller:
On him, it works!

Queen Lillian White:
Oh, kids can be so cruel... that's what I like about them!

Eric Charming:
Actually, Don, I could use some advice.

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Shoot.

Eric Charming:
No, no, guns won't help.

Queen Lillian White:
Why did I have to wake up? I should never have got out of bed. I was having such lovely nightmares!

Queen Lillian White:
Oh, you're kissing, how lovely! Do you know how many germs there are in the human mouth?

Eric Charming:
There's not gonna be a happy ending...

Snow White Charming:
Now, remember when Jack traded his cow for those magic beans? Everyone thought that he got cheated, but the next day, there was that beanstalk to prove they were wrong.

Eric Charming:
Snow, the man got stepped on by a giant!

Cory Charming:
Boy... dad's really upset! He's using words I've never heard him use before... like 'Fiddlesticks'.

Snow White Charming:
The 'F' word!

Eric Charming:
Lillian, guess what I'm getting Snow for our anniversary.

Queen Lillian White:
A muzzle?

Snow White Charming:
Sometimes I'm so silly, I just can't see The Enchanted Forest for the trees!

Snow White Charming:
Now, what would you have done in The Enchanted Forest, say, if peddler Tupper had cheated you?

Eric Charming:
Well, he never would have. The town crier would have spread the word and no one would ever again buy Tupper's wares.

Queen Lillian White:
Tupper's wares! I always hated his parties!

The Mirror:
But the food was so fresh.

Queen Lillian White:
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all? Mirror! I know you're in there!

The Mirror:
Give it a rest, Lillian! I'm trying to plan a little vacation here yet you persist in asking me this same stupid question over and over and over and over! Don't you ever get tired of it?

Queen Lillian White:
No.

The Mirror:
Okay, you want to know who's fairer than you? [Picks up phone book] Now, this is just the greater Los Angeles area...

The Mirror:
[Lillian enters her magic spells into the computer] You're gonna throw away your book and trust your spells to that machine?

Queen Lillian White:
Why not? It has spell-check!

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
I can't believe it. You really are Prince Charming! And you're Snow White! I wonder if Alf is real too.

[When a juggler throws balls into the air, Lillian magically makes them vanish]

The Mirror:
Lillian, give the nice man his balls back!

Snow White Charming:
Mother, aren't you going to play with us?

Queen Lillian White:
I'd rather be burned at the stake!

[Snow White and Prince Charming are asked to play Trivial Pursuit]

Snow White Charming:
What are we going to do? Our knowledge of trivia ends with the maiden names of the Three Blind Mice!

Queen Lillian White:
I just wanted to say I'm sorry I ruined your party, and as peace offering I've baked you a pie.

Eric Charming:
Oh Lillian, that's very thoughtful of you. We accept your apology. And now let's all try and think of this as a new beginning in our family relationship.

Snow White Charming:
Eric! This is an apple pie!

Eric Charming:
Is this pie poisoned?

Queen Lillian White:
Try it and find out.

Don 'King of Carpets' Miller:
Well, maybe you kids ought to think about finding a man for Lillian. You know, fix her up.

Eric Charming:
We'd have to fix her up. No one'd want her the way she is now.

Snow White Charming:
What kind of men would be right for Mother? He'd have to be dashing.

Eric Charming:
He'd have to be stupid.

Snow White Charming:
He'd have to be handsome.

Eric Charming:
He'd have to be blind.

Snow White Charming:
He'd have to be powerful, exciting, mysterious...

Eric Charming:
And out of his fiddlesticking mind!

The Mirror:
They just want to see you happy.

Queen Lillian White:
Then they should spontaneously combust!

Snow White Charming:
I'm a great matchmaker. After all, who set up Jack and Jill?

Eric Charming:
Oh, you did, Snow. Then they went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown, sued the water company, got a huge settlement and then ran off with that slut, Little Bo Peep!

The Mirror:
You may think you're hot stuff, but you're taking Lillian to Hell over my dead body!

Jack:
Okey-doke.

The Mirror:
Let me rephrase that.

Snow White Charming:
So, did you two go out for breakfast this morning?

Jack:
No, we just came in from dinner last night.

Snow White Charming:
Mother, we just wanted you to find someone and get married, not suffer eternal damnation.

Jack:
What's the difference?

Queen Lillian White:
Mirror, mirror, let's get down. Who's the hottest witch in town?

The Mirror:
Hey! Not while I'm eating.