The Closer

Hairdresser:
Shouldn't I have a lawyer?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You could call a lawyer... but if you do I'll tear this custody agreement into little pieces and Dean will walk away with your baby the minute it's born.

Sgt. David Gabriel:
You brought your cat to a crime scene?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It's not my cat, it just lives with me and eats at my house.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We are running him down the flagpole and that's all that there is to it. If you want to examine the body, you may do so after I'm done. [Albert's body comes crashing through the window] I'm done.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
Ok, everybody; mark the date. [long pause] I was wrong.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Are you trying to encourage me or make me nervous?

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
I'm just trying to figure out why you're so damn confident you can get this woman to help you.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, because, Will, I know a little something about admiring the boss and finding out he's not the guy you thought he was.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do I look hurt to you, Will?

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
No. Unless I'm mistaken, that's your angry face.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If you don't mind, Lieutenant, I like to have the answers before I ask questions.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Thank you, thank you so much.

[Captain Raydor is investigating the aftermath of a fatal shoot-out between police and suspected drug dealers]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I never discharged my weapon.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Good. At least you won't be the subject of another lawsuit.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Day's not over yet.

Will Pope:
A hooker, dead from an overdose in a hotel, doesn't usually justify a lot of shoe leather.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you know how hard it is to do your job while humoring so many difficult people?

Will Pope:
[taken aback that he's hearing this from Brenda, of all people] I might have some idea. Yeah.

Fritz Howard:
You feel like talking?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I do. Um, I know you had this other life before you stopped drinking. I-I don't like to think about it... but maybe I should.

Fritz Howard:
Okay. What would you like me to tell you?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[painfully] Oh... everything I don't wanna hear.

Andy Flynn:
We're still gonna take this case?

Louie Provenza:
I'm up, I'm dressed, I'm making time-and-a-half. Let's go.

Andy Flynn:
Buzz, check this out. A pink bra and a 12-pack of condoms. Now, that's what I call optimism.

Louie Provenza:
Cannabis, candles, and condoms - sounds like young romance.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It's funny, I... Sometimes I feel like I... pay more attention to what murderers have to say while ignoring the people I really care about.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Last time I saw Mama, she asked me if I had a minute, and I didn't have time just then, and now I'm the one who could really use a minute, and she has no time at all.

Dr. Leonard:
So, then, other than possible early onset menopause, getting engaged, having your parents come into town, buying a new house, and being attacked by a cattle prod then shooting and killing your assailant, there's nothing significant happening in your life.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Why d'you have to say it like that?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're always saying' I need to listen to outside opinions more, and the opinion of our best psychiatrist is that I'm ready to go back to work.

Will Pope:
Really? Ready for work. That's what she said?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yeah, more or less.

Will Pope:
Huh.

Will Pope:
[reading from his computer screen] "To: Chief Pope. From: Dr. Leonard. RE:..." You. "Deputy Chief Johnson is not fit for full investigative duties. She is exhausted, disconnected, distracted, and in denial of deep emotional issues. Allowing Deputy Chief Johnson to resume a full workload could put her and other members of the LAPD at risk."

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, that is just... nuts!

Will Pope:
According to the department shrink, so are you.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Are you seriously giving ME advice on how to handle an interview?

Will Pope:
Yes, I am. Just please don't make news.

Greg Pierson:
Just act natural.

David Gabriel:
She is.

Will Pope:
Chief Johnson believes that you are the best detectives in the building; so, prove her right.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So, how you doin'?

David Gabriel:
I'm, uh... I'm kinda pissed at being shot at.

Vince Kemble:
Well, like Greg used to say, "Sometimes you have to lie to tell the truth."

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Mama, why are you readin' yesterday's newspaper?

Willie Ray Johnson:
Your father has today's. I'll read that one tomorrow.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm alive, but I am NOT okay.

Fritz Howard:
That's not my cat.

Clay Johnson:
It is now, son, and you better make that cat very happy.

Will Pope:
The video you're watching was taken last night by our surveillance cameras at LAX, and the star of our little film is this man here, former real-estate mogul Allan Summers. Now, Mr. Summers has a lot of problems. For example, he's being investigated by the FBI for fraud and embezzlement - selling houses he didn't build and building houses he couldn't connect to power or water supplies. Since this little scheme was uncovered, it's had a fairly negative effect on Summer's finances. In addition to spending a small fortune keeping himself out of jail, he was forced to abandon his latest residential real-estate development. And since his company went belly-up, his partners are taking him court for mismanagement, and his employes are suing him for their lost pensions. Now, just when it seemed like things could not get worse, Mr. Summers flew into LAX from Sacramento last night, was met at Arrivals by a driver from his usual car service and, somewhere between the airport and his home, both Mr. Summers and the chauffeur completely disappeared.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lt. Provenza, I really need that car, and you seem to be awfully frisky this afternoon.

Louie Provenza:
Well, yes, I am. And, Chief, this is perfect weather to organize a grid search for a town car - and I could really go for a nice long walk around LAX. It'd be good for me.

Will Pope:
Okay, do we have a Breathalyzer up here?

Will Pope:
Um, ahem, on the, uh, Summers case, we seem to have blood but no body, a car but no driver, and a ransom but no money to pay it. Is there any chance you figured out who murdered whom?

Mark Yates:
You're every bit the b*tch I heard you were.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I worry when a suspect has extra alibies.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're under arrest for the sexual assault of Michelle Clarke - and if you think that bein' the son of a sheriff's commander made you popular at school, just wait until you get to prison. Convicts even play some of the same games as you and your best buds. I imagine you'll end up in their... "cherry picking' club"... in no time at all.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
One count of rape won't put him away for life.

Russell Taylor:
But establishing a pattern of behavior could.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I worry when a suspect has extra alibis.

Bill Croelick:
It's crazy, you know, having a wildlife park in the center of a city. I look around at your little nature preserve and you know what I see? It's all fuel. And you, and you, and you - rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief, black man, white man, Deputy Chief - fire doesn't care about your name, or rank, or badge number. You're all just bite-sized lumps of flesh and bone in the flaming food chain. God, I'm hungry! How about you?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I had a big lunch.

Dr. Morales:
I see dead people, lots and lots of dead people - two smoked, two extra-crispy, and then... this lady here, the combo platter.

Bill Croelick:
Hello, just plain Brenda.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How about you, Bill? Anyone special in your life.

Bill Croelick:
Oh, no. I'm still carrying a little torch for you.

Bill Croelick:
Now, Brenda, I'm about to settle my lawsuit against the State and take my, uh... four million dollars and leave your jurisdiction forever. And though I'm... you know, I'm flattered by your interest in me, I think we've taken this relationship about as far as it can go, you know? And I think it best for both of us if I regard you as something like... an old flame.

Bill Croelick:
I will think of you often, just plain Brenda, and hope to see you... not at all.

[a group of Chinese tourists are milling around, agitated]

Detective Lt. Provenza:
Oh, Tao, thank God. Could you please tell these people to calm down and step back?

Lieutenant Mike Tao:
[shouting] CALM DOWN AND STEP BACK!

Detective Lt. Provenza:
You don't speak Chinese?

Lieutenant Mike Tao:
No, I don't. I'm fourth-generation American.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
Well, you always sound fluent when we order take-out.

Fritz Howard:
Are you feeling all right?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes, much better.

Fritz Howard:
Then stop leaving me alone with your parents. I mean it.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Now, if y'all excuse me, this old car needs to make another pit stop.

Will Pope:
This may surprise you, but in some cultures supervisors are still shown a modicum of respect, and employees actually try to PLEASE the boss, so lose the attitude. See this guy gets his damn camera back. I don't need any more grief from the Chinese consul and I DEFINITELY don't need it from you! Please tell me I did not just say all that in front of your parents.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
All right, then, um, so I should talk to her.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Um, before you do, I'm trying to avoid creating problems, and if I'm... if I'm overreacting to what I saw, and if I'm wrong about this...

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
But if you're right, then this is an assault on one of our employees, which cannot to be ignored, and which Captain Raydor should not investigate on her own; so, I would like Major Crimes to discretely examine the life of Detective Moore and report back to me.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I-I-I can't start a criminal investigation unless she files a complaint of some kind.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
I was hoping, Chief, that maybe you would be able to see past the obstacles in this particular situation.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
The obstacles that you're talkin' about are the justice system and I can't create charges out of thin air. I need an evidence.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Of course, you do, but you can easily do an oblique interview with that husband.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Uh, I'm sorry, who-who's in charge of this investigation?

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
You are. Captain Raydor, I promise you that Chief Johnson will pursue this inquiry vigorously, but let's leave to her the when and where she will approach the husband.

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
[to Johnson] In the meantime, we will tread VERY LIGHTLY here. Is that clear?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Of course. Um, if we're going to do this by the book, I should start by getting a statement from Detective Moore's immediate superior officer.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
I figured you'd ask that so I prepared one.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
I would also like to say that I'm fully aware that at the beginning of this investigation I was a terrible b*tch.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'd... say it was more in the middle, a-and near the end.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
But I still believe that if you had talked the husband earlier, that he might...

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
He might still be alive. Yes, I thought about that. And about how I might have resisted talking to him, because...

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Because I suggested it.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It's possible. Um, but um, I did want to say that, uh... I-I do think it might be beneficial for the LAPD if we...

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[overlapping Sharon]... were to work a bit better together.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
[overlapping Brenda] If you'd just do as I say.

[both laugh nervously]

Captain Sharon Raydor:
The thing is...

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We just don't like each other.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
No. We don't. Oh, my goodness, no.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No, we don't.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh! That woman!

Fritz Howard:
Who is that woman?

Sharon Raydor:
According to the visitors' log, her name is Maria Flores, and under "relationship" she put down "girlfriend."

Buzz Watson:
"Girlfriend." She's, like, half his age.

Louie Provenza:
Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
My God, this woman!

Andy Flynn:
Wait up, Gavin. Did you learn anything?

Gavin Q. Baker III:
Nothing I didn't already suspect. See, everyone here talks to everyone else here about everything; so, if one person knows something, you all do. So, to that leak that you don't think exists, can you PLEASE tell Mr. Goldman that he can sneak around all he wants to, but if this case ever gets to a courtroom, I win. No matter what he thinks he knows, I win. No matter what lies he gets passed, I win. But, in the meantime, please be safe, everybody. It is a rough world out there, and it's getting rougher every day.

Lieutenant Provenza:
[why Provenza refuses to retire] When my first wife and I divorced, I agreed to split my pension with her from the day I retire. I'll be damned if she gets a nickel

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
[to Provenza] Much as I'd like to see you break your own record for procedural violations in a single shift, I'd prefer if you and Lieutenant Flynn found Mr. Serabian and kept him under surveillance. Do I need to explain how that's done?

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
What I wouldn't give to see the egg she hatched from.

Mike Tao:
Money is exchanged, and so ends another Provenza date.

Fritz Howard:
Brenda, the evidence isn't lost. It's just... out for a joyride.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
I don't need sarcasm. I need the evidence.

Fritz Howard:
Well, don't look at me. The FBI stopped manufacturing evidence in the late '90s.

Alex Serabian:
Where did you get the money?

Angie Serabian:
I entered your picture in the ugly contest and you won the grand prize.

Will Pope:
With me. With me.

Angie Serabian:
I just thank God you're the worst police force in the world.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
[referring to the unrepentant killer] See, Gabriel, that's the kind of people that lawyers hang out with. You better take a long, hard look at your life choices, my friend.

Sgt. David Gabriel:
Come on.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Attorneys protect us from people like this, Lieutenant.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
Protect us? How?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Imagine what we would do with a man like this if we didn't know he had an attorney coming.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I may not have done right by everyone in my life, but I have always given my professional best to Will. And I've always, always done everything he told me to do.

Agent Fritz Howard:
[chuckles] You have?

[Brenda glares, he stops laughing]

Agent Fritz Howard:
No, you have. You have.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Um, I need to make an appointment with you.

Dr. Stephen Parr:
You're kidding me. You've just made it abundantly clear what you think of me.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm not looking for a decent human being. I'm looking for a great doctor and... you're it.

Agent Fritz Howard:
It's hurtful, isn't it, when someone thinks their job - I mean, their JOB - is more important than what a... another person might want or need? Is there anyone else we know who you think might sometimes behave like that? Hm? Anyone?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, my gosh. Doctors!

Andy Flynn:
You consider treating cancer a business?

Dr. Stephen Parr:
I'm sorry. Do you wear that badge for free?

Sgt. David Gabriel:
[about Anne] Four days ago we decided to combine our resources, but, uh, we've been dating about a year now. It felt like it was time. You know, I haven't told my family yet. I'd actually appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else around here, knowing what people think about lawyers.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Married one, myself.

Sgt. David Gabriel:
Really?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Well, technically he's a lawyer. First he passed the bar, then he spent the next ten years drinking at one till he gave that up for gambling.

Sgt. David Gabriel:
So, what, you're divorced?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Separated... for twenty years. It's all very Catholic.

[as Dr. Parr explains his circumstance, Brenda's keenly aware how his wording can apply to herself as well]

Dr. Stephen Parr:
The system should work as designed but sometimes we have mistakes, awful mistakes, so last night, after observing Miss Lee's asymptomatic responses to the chemo, I went back to my office and looked at my own files from last year.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
What did you find?

Dr. Stephen Parr:
What I thought I'd find, a period during which many patients seemed not to properly absorb the chemo. When, instead of improving, people died. I felt errors may have been made, but I was afraid that if I brought attention to the problem, that...

Sgt. David Gabriel:
You'd be sued.

Dr. Stephen Parr:
Yes, I'd be sued. I... I deal with life and death on a daily basis. I can be taken to court where, even if I win, I lose. My liability insurance goes up. I have to explain myself over and over to medical boards, my peers... If I ever find myself in circumstances where I can't properly clear my name, nothing is the same after that.

Tiffany:
This is a... tapestry of justice. That's what it is - a complete tapestry.

David Gabriel:
Excuse me, but where's the chief?

Andy Flynn:
She's right over there. I'd recognize those legs anywhere.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you wanna know my symptoms?

Dr. Morales:
Do you have insurance?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes.

Dr. Morales:
Then see your own doctor. If you end up dying, I promise to find out why.

Will Pope:
May I see you for a moment, please?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, I'm just about to head into an examination.

Will Pope:
Let me rephrase that rhetorical question: I want to speak with you - now.

Buzz Watson:
You want me to go out there and pretend to be Lieutenant Tao?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes. Exactly.

Buzz Watson:
Do I have to over-explain everything?

Mike Tao:
Hey!

Rodney Cox:
You're Michael Tao?

Buzz Watson:
That's "Lieutenant" Michael Tao.

Louie Provenza:
He's adopted.

Louie Provenza:
He wrote me up for using curse words - and that's bullshit.

Fritz Howard:
You know, hon, someday when you look back on your life, almost everything you see will be marked off with crime-scene tape because you didn't make time for anything else.

Chief Tommy Delk:
I'd be curious how much farther you get in the next three hours.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Three hours?

Chief Tommy Delk:
Because that's how long the FBI has agreed to share their material before they take over your case. That's what's been arranged.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I did not agree to that.

Chief Tommy Delk:
Well, it's a good thing I'm not taking orders from you.

Chief Tommy Delk:
For two years the FBI has been investigating a federal attack on an IRS office. Now, even if you're right and Mason was aiming at the firemen, they'd be too embarrassed to admit they were on the wrong track for so long.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So we just give the case back to 'em?

Chief Tommy Delk:
We couldn't have said anything to change what happened, but now the FBI can do what they do best - find a missing fugitive - while we use the resources of our combined divisions to investigate your crazy idea that the murdered paramedics were just the first casualties of a larger assault.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So... you don't... wanna tell the FBI that Mason was aiming for the fire department?

Chief Tommy Delk:
It's an untested hypothesis, and I... It would just confuse them. I don't think we wanna send the FBI on a wild goose chase, now?

Dr. Wexler:
Whatever you're thinking Mason might do, think bigger.

Will Pope:
If you cancel this funeral and no bomb is found, you will embarrass the department and you will never be chief.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[after a thought] I'll risk it.

Will Pope:
No, you won't.

Will Pope:
[announcing to all] Everyone, I'm canceling this memorial until further notice. My decision.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
He's right. Sometimes violence is the only way to teach people how wrong they are.

Russell Taylor:
Yet another example, as if we needed one, that life is not fair.

Lt. Louie Provenza:
Are you turned on by movies where a hunky young sailor is stripped to the waist, tied up and flogged?

Sgt. David Gabriel:
What is it with you white people and whips?

Det. Andy Flynn:
And when she disappeared, we all thought she'd committed suicide.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, I suppose she could have lifted Bill Croelick's stainless steel cigarette lighter, making sure his prints were still on it, made a copy of Lisa Barnes' license, stolen a car, pushed it off a cliff - chopping off her hands and feet while discarding them en route - after setting fire to herself. Maybe she trained for her suicide at the Cirque du Soleil.

Sgt. David Gabriel:
You have the right to remain silent! Why don't you use it?

Will Pope:
Why is your whole squad here on a Saturday?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[sighs] Because killers work weekends, too, Will.

Will Pope:
[summarizing the case] An "unidentified" woman may or may not have talked her "unidentified" boyfriend into murdering her, yes, "unidentified" husband.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, there are a few gaps, but we're workin' hard on finding out who these people are, or were, anyway.

Claire Howard:
[using her psychic vision] Oh, the victim, yes, I... I see... I see a river and a bridge and a nearby train... and-and a barking dog in the background... and... and an odd-looking tree.

Andy Flynn:
A river, a train and a barking dog.

Louie Provenza:
Throw in a pick-up truck, we've got a country song.

Louie Provenza:
[seeing Claire go into a trance] You be careful out there.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Will someone please call the paramedics? I want her taken out of here in an ambulance.

Julio Sanchez:
But, Chief, she's dead.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, then, you better hurry.

Louie Provenza:
I don't know if you've noticed, but, um, Gabriel and Daniels can hardly stand to be in the same room together anymore.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I already issued an order for them to sort out their romantic problems.

Louie Provenza:
You-you are an excellent leader, Chief, but... you can't just boss around the human heart.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lieutenant, I'm in the middle of a double homicide investigation. I don't wanna talk about this right now.

Louie Provenza:
Well, I don't wanna talk about it either, but... Look, Sanchez was gone for four months on a disability leave, and then... and then Gabriel took a week off for some training, and Daniels was off at some Homeland Security labs for two weeks. I mean... Look, I may not be a psychic, but as an experienced civil servant, I can tell you this: the brass will not let you do with six people what you'e proven you can do with five.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[thinking] Chief Pope told me this morning that he may have to promote someone from Major Crimes to the CI Division.

Louie Provenza:
Well, there it is, then. There it is. And, I'm telling' you, Chief, h-h-he could take Sanchez, or Tao, or even Flynn, and our problem would still be the same, and it's sitting right out there.

[Brenda and Provenza gaze out at Daniels and Gabriel working at their desks]

Claire Howard:
Skeptics. Some people just won't believe what they can't see.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Like in juries.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[after learning that Lt. Flynn went over her head regarding the Special Master Motion] Have a seat. I should like to state as emphatically as I can how unhappy I am that you went over my head. This idea of yours is a no-go because I don't like waitin' around for two months while a judge determines exactly what a Special Master can do in this case and then maybe lose the hearing. However, if we find ourselves reduced to pursuing alternatives of a dubious legal nature or should the sun explode I promise to reconsider your suggestion. Meanwhile, I expect you to get the kids from the phone dump into this office for interviews. Thank you.

Liz:
Oh, and if you ever wanna just vent, we all get together every couple of months.

Lieutenant Andy Flynn:
Who's we?

Liz:
Louie's other wives. We think of you as the fifth.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I can't believe I had to beg Pope to investigate this murder with ya.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
It's hard being close to people you work with. It's always hard. You've got to be patient with people who drive you crazy. I find that good relationships sometimes depend on what you're willing to overlook.

Jerry Cooper:
[during a sting operation] Viktor Markov is never gonna believe that I would date someone like you.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Why not?

Jerry Cooper:
He's a much better appraiser than I am. And he's never gonna believe that one of me is worth any of you.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Can I see the gold coins?

Agent Fritz Howard:
[teasing] Oh, I'm sorry, miss. That's government property.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So now *all* government property is suddenly off-limits to me?

Agent Fritz Howard:
[Brenda follows as he backs into her office] Well... not all.

Liz:
Were you able to find the right amount of money for the ring?

Detective Lt. Provenza:
I'm buying it from you, since I'm the only one that it meant anything to.

Liz:
Oh, stop! It means something to me. It reminds me of that very special day when we officially went from two people who loved each other to husband and wife. And when I look at it, I... I also see our children and our grandkids. And the life we mighta had.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
But you'll still take the check.

Liz:
Yes.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Mr. Cooper, I'm sorry to inform you that your partner, Milo, died of a heart attack today when your store was robbed.

Jerry Cooper:
What? You're t... t... telling me...

[sobs]

Jerry Cooper:
...we were ROBBED? Oh, my God. Tell me, what did they take?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Did you hear the part about your partner dying of a heart attack?

David Gabriel:
Well, looks like we found Cinderella.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yeah, but who turned him into a pumpkin?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Watching me hunt for whose foot fits the ruby red slipper might just make her realize she's not in Kansas anymore.

Louie Provenza:
Chief, ahem, what are we gonna say in those depositions?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Just the truth, I guess.

Louie Provenza:
Truth, yeah, but first, shouldn't we all agree as to what that is?

Kate Wycoff:
There's more to marriage than fidelity.

Russell Taylor:
I'm not even sure this guy's in a gang, and look how angry he is.

[Brenda has been ill and out of sorts for two months]

Fritz Howard:
'Cause you want it to be stress doesn't mean it's stress. The doctor has to look at your actual symptoms and the blood work and make a diagnosis based on the facts - as... they... are. Does that sound familiar?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If you boys didn't kill off Angel and Jesse, and the One-Fives here have figured out some way to stroll down your streets and knock off anyone they want and then disappear into thin air, well, you're probably better off just shooting yourselves in the head right now and getting it over with. It makes me wonder: Who's the b*tch now?

Will Pope:
Of course I want you to find the murderer, but is it possible for you to collar one killer without destroying the entire city in the process?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sir, your son pulled out a gun and all but threatened you with it. He's obviously not responding well to parental authority.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[In Interview Room] You know, the justice system works pretty well, until someone starts thinkin' that they're smarter than the Sheriff's office, the FBI and the entire LAPD combined. Do you see what happens when you throw away the rule book, Deputy? People die.

Deputy Sheriff Mike Burton:
I'm sorry.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
[In Media Room, speaking to Pope and Fritz] You think she's conscious of what she's saying? Somebody may wanna play back this part of the interview for her when she gets home tonight.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
Oh, my God. I was on the verge of having this entire case thrown out. Now it's up in the air. Where's Capt. Raydor?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sh-she's back in her office. Why?

Gavin Q. Baker III:
I have to talk to her before another lawsuit is filed against you by the family of your newest dead suspect. You know, if you could afford it, I could drop everyone else in my practice and defend you for a living.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You know, that man was going to kill me.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
Maybe he thought he'd end up representing you in court.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sir, I've had a terrible day. I'm anxious, I'm stressed, and a little shaky.

Mateo Rios:
[feeling Brenda's gun at the back of his head] Aah...

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So if you don't drop your gun right now, I'm gonna put a bullet through your head. Are we clear?

[Mateo drops his gun]

Mateo Rios:
Why... Why are you arresting me?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Because shootin' you would get us in a lot of trouble.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you have some kind of personal vendetta against me? I mean, have I ever done anything to you or to someone you love?

Peter Goldman:
No. In fact, I'm reasonably sure we've almost never crossed paths, but that's mainly because I'm the conscience of the justice system, which, as far as you're concerned, makes me neary a perfect stranger, but don't worry. By the time I'm done, we're gonna know each other very well, because it's my intention, Chief Johnson, to put an end to you and all your works.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[wearing a wedding dress] Who designed this veil, the Taliban?

Clay Johnson:
[If] That girl had her way, she'd ask a minister to stop by a crime scene and then serve Ho Hos out of her purse.

Will Pope:
When you're a hammer, everything you do looks like a nail.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Look, I don't like this kind of investigation any more than the rest of you, but I want to go to sleep at night knowing that we've buried the killer and not his crimes. Thank you.

Louie Provenza:
You know what would really help me remember? If you would stare at me some more.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
My entire day was filled with fathers who wouldn't talk to me.

Father Jack:
Excuse me, Lieutenant. Do you always begin a murder investigation by assassinating the victim's character?

Buzz Watson:
I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I applied for this federal grant to upgrade our surveillance equipment, and I think I got it but I need help translating this letter.

Mike Tao:
What language is it in?

Buzz Watson:
Government.

Louie Provenza:
Ah, yeah. Here, Buzz. I read government.

Fritz Howard:
You're so great at imagining the worst - that's part of why you're good at your job - but try, just... for a minute... imagining something better.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us.

Enrique Santos:
You're welcome, b*tch.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, so much for hello.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
Do you know why I hate porn? Guy delivers a pizza, it never gets eaten. Girl's refrigerator breaks, it never gets fixed.

[to the EMTs, who bring out a whole gurney just to transport a head and a pair of feet]

Detective Lt. Provenza:
Hey! You guys know something we don't?

[describing the victim based on his severed head]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Could you go back to the office, please, and search the missing persons database for a white male, early thirties, brown hair, brown eyes. Height?

Lt. Mike Tao:
He's at least two feet.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Where's the line for you doctor? You start by cutting up people you *think* committed rape, and who's next? Drug dealers? Thieves? People who cross against the light?

Dr. Luis Navarro:
Listen to me. There are two really bad boys out there that I didn't get to. Why don't you give me a year? See what happens. I can make this place safer than you can.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Who gave you the right to play God?

Dr. Luis Navarro:
Position was vacant, so I took it.

Russell Taylor:
[to Brenda] What on Earth made you apply for Chief?

Will Pope:
I told her to. She was drafted by the LAPD's Women's Work Group, and I thought she should go with it. So now she's one of the twenty-seven billion other people who've applied for the job, which means I'm not the slam-dunk we hoped I'd be - and the last thing I need is for hacked up bodies in garbage bags to be the leading story on tonight's news.

Russell Taylor:
Well, lucky for us, the press doesn't care about murders in that neighborhood.

Will Pope:
And to keep it that way, here's a list of words I'd like to NOT HEAR during this investigation: Mexican cartel murders, bag of bones, serial killer. I do not want these cases sensationalized.

Julio Sanchez:
Ruben's better off with me and my family, and I'm not giving him back.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, that WOMAN!

Fritz Howard:
[outraged] Okay? Okay? You almost got yourself killed! Never, ever do that again! D'you hear me?

Howard Pierce:
Are you in charge?

Agent Fritz Howard:
[gesturing to Brenda] Talk to the lady.

Chief Tommy Delk:
Robbery-Homicide, Counterterrorism, Major Crimes - I've always had my doubts about these specialized divisions - people standing around waiting for a crime that matches the name of their department. And with our hiring freeze, I need every work hour to be well spent, even if I have to move people to do it, like, say, uh... you.

Chief Tommy Delk:
I like to have people in their proper places. You, for example, would make an excellent assistant chief of operations.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
That's Will Pope's job.

Chief Tommy Delk:
And I'd like someone with more hands-on experience in his position.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[viewing robbery footage] They wait for someone to leave. Why don't they enter directly?

Buzz Watson:
Most marijuana dispensaries have electronic security doors that only unlock from the inside.

Louie Provenza:
And you know this because...?

Buzz Watson:
My mom has a prescription for pot.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh. What's wrong with her?

Buzz Watson:
She has insomnia and glaucoma. I-I have to guide her to the door sometimes.

Andy Flynn:
Ever buy anything?

Julio Sanchez:
How do you think he got the name "Buzz?"

Sam Dodson:
Shea's Lounge. It's a... kind of our showpiece strain. Nobody else had it. It's a 40% indica/60% sativa hybrid. It's like a cross between Skywalker and Super Skunk with a little ruderalis thrown in to reinforce the THC content. Shea created it.

Louie Provenza:
Did he apply for the Nobel Prize?

Chief Tommy Delk:
Did you just say "hippies" and "Mary Jane?"

Louie Provenza:
Yes, I did.

Chief Tommy Delk:
How old are you?

Louie Provenza:
Six chiefs and counting.

Louie Provenza:
You can't be serious.

Chief Tommy Delk:
Do I look high to you?

Mike Tao:
See, Provenza? A lot of 'em aren't hippies!

Louie Provenza:
Yeah, well, I promise you, Tao, in every one of their closets, somewhere, there's a tie-dyed shirt.

Fritz Howard:
Why can't you let the undercover detectives handle this?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Because I want these guys alive and SIS shoots first and asks questions never. And I'll be sittin' in a surveillance van the whole time, anyhow.

Fritz Howard:
And the surveillance van's gonna be parked three blocks away.

[Brenda nods]

Fritz Howard:
[insistently] Eh, and the surveillance van is going to be parked...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, for Heaven's sakes, the surveillance van will be parked three blocks away.

Fritz Howard:
Thank you.

[hands Brenda her glass of champagne]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Thank you.

[on stakeout the next day]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[sighs] Can we move the van a little closer?

Mike Tao:
Not without going inside.

Greg Lapham:
Uh, don't treat me like an idiot. Worked on a law show for two years.

Mike Tao:
Well, it must not have been a very good one.

David Gabriel:
Chief, I hate to say this, but I don't think we're gonna be able to get high enough.

Louie Provenza:
I know... I know it's shocking to find drug dealers shooting each other over money Next thing you know, husbands will be killing their wives for being unfaithful. Ooo, what a world.

Dr. Morales:
Now, all I can tell you about the murder weapon is that it's conical in shape, pointy at the top and widening out towards the base.

Lt. Louie Provenza:
Sounds exactly like my second wife.

David Gabriel:
Nice dress, by the way.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Really? Does it make me look like the Queen of England? 'Cause that's how much money you need to be a police officer these days.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[learning abut the dead man] A sex offender?

Lt. Louie Provenza:
Mm. Sure you don't just want to cover him up and call it a day?

Raymond Aguirre:
There are two ways you can contact us. Um, one is with the tip line. The other's by sending an e-mail, like this one: Um, "To whom it may concern. My neighbors are building a retaining wall, and not only does their contractor start work too early..." - which is a very common complaint; we get it all the time, um - "... he doesn't have a permit posted in the front yard." I don't know why people even care that happened. "Could you check on this for me? Sincerely, John David Dale." And that was dated four days ago.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, that is extremely unusual.

Raymond Aguirre:
Why is that?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Because when he wrote this, Mr. Dale was buried beneath the retaining wall he was complaining about.

Fritz Howard:
Why are you interested in a missing gnome?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
'Cause he saw the murder, up close and personal.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
But as we say in my profession: "We'll double-cross that bridge when we come to it."

[Pope sees a garden gnome in the murder room wearing handcuffs]

Lt. Louie Provenza:
[answering Pope's quizzical expression] Flight risk.

Fritz Howard:
Now, do you want the visitors lists to the prisons at Lompoc at Terminal Island or not?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Are you telling' me that you're refusing' to help me with my murder investigation because I can't go househuntin' with you today? Is that what you're saying'?

Fritz Howard:
Yeah. Good. I don't have to explain it to ya.

Eric Wallace:
I wish I was dead! Okay, does THAT help? I wish I was dead! I wish whoever killed my family killed me. Okay? I wish I was dead. KU-AHHHH! Kahhh!

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Those are the magic words.

Justin Darcy:
All right, I think I should get my one phone call and talk to my dad. He's an criminal attorney, okay, so I think I know a bit more about the justice system than the average person you drag in here.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lt. Flynn, would you please hand Mr. Dracy your phone? As I'm sure you're aware, Mr. Dracy, given your vast knowledge of the law, that the age of consent for male-male sex in the state of California is eighteen.

Justin Darcy:
I'm nineteen... in two months.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Many happy returns. Eric Wallace, the boy who you are currently tutorin', is seventeen. Make sure to tell your father that the charges against you will include but will not necessarily be limited to statutory rape and sex with a minor. I look forward to meetin' your family. I can only imagine how proud they'll be.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Okay, just... just give me a second here. Bad lies are confusin' me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Why'd you keep Eric's clothes?

Kim Reichter:
They're nice. His stuff is nice.

Mike Tao:
If you're guilty, then why can't you tell us how you really killed him - because Keith Milano was not strangled with anyone's bare hands? And we haven't found the implement that was used to choke him death.

Russell Clark:
Why do you care so much about that?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, besides a passing interest in the truth, sir, if you brought that implement or weapon with you, intending to kill Dr. Milano, that is premeditated murder, and the DA gave you a parole date that you don't deserve; and, if you didn't kill Dr. Milano, and you're covering up for your son, then I should really be talking to him, sir.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So, Charlie, how are you liking Los Angeles?

Charlie:
I'd tell you, Aunt Brenda, but I'm really not allowed to have my own opinions.

Charlie:
It's okay. I'm used to adults making rules for me they don't live by themselves.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Charlie, which would you rather: museums with Grandma or schizophrenic murder suspects with your Aunt Brenda?

Charlie:
Bye, Grandma.

James Clark:
And did you find me well-behaived?

Julio Sanchez:
Oh, yeah. You were great.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We almost met in court.

James Clark:
Yes. Yes, I remember your hair and your voice. It's odd.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, thank you. That's... Thank you.

James Clark:
So, James, do you remember much about the day that Dr. Milano as murdered?

James Clark:
Oh, yes. Not only do I remember things that happened, I... can also remember things that didn't happen - but I'm not good with chronology. That's the order of things. And sometimes I dream awake; but, otherwise, I have a great memory.

James Clark:
[recalling the last time he visited his doctor's office] There's no one else there. The lady who usually sits behind the sliding glass window was gone - or maybe she was invisible.

James Clark:
When I'm off medication, I have "friends."

Louie Provenza:
Jeez Louise. How many people are gonna confess to this murder, anyway?

[as Charlie listens in on Brenda's interview, she finds James' statements oddly describing her own situation as well]

James Clark:
But my father kept looking for things and wouldn't let us go, and... He told me to stop talking to my friends, and that's when I punched in the wall and cried a little bit.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Why did you cry, James?

James Clark:
'Cause my father used to be so proud of me. And now, if I don't behave... If I can't...

James Clark:
[suddenly smiling] I must behave very well or I will be sent away. I must make people comfortable by smiling... and... I can do that; but, also, I can make mistakes. I can slip up, so I must manage my drugs, get rid of my friends, and try to behave, or I might be sent away. But I think... I'm behaving... very well today. Yes?

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs:
Oh, my God. We're about to have more confessions than we know what to do with.

[Sgt. Gabriel is putting handcuffs onto a suspect under arrest for possession of methamphetamine]

Wayne West:
Ow! Be gentle!

Sgt. David Gabriel:
Just don't get junkie on me, okay? This is a new suit.

Louie Provenza:
KEEP IT DOWN! PEOPLE ARE TRYIN' TO SLEEP AROUND HERE!

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Detective, a choice needs to be made regarding your situation, and Lt. Provenza is going to help you make it.

[If Pope becomes Chief and Brenda becomes Assistant Chief, the position as the leader of Major Crimes becomes open]

Will Pope:
What about Taylor?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
What about him?

Will Pope:
You know, for Major Crimes. Well, think about it. He's been very supportive.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So send him a basket of muffins.

Fritz Howard:
Whenever you don't get what you want, you go straight for the jugular, every time. What is that?

Louie Provenza:
Way to go, Julio. If I was in better shape, I'd kick your ass.

Julio Sanchez:
Tell the chief I went to therapy.

Clay Johnson:
Are you deliberately tryin' to kill me?

Willie Ray Johnson:
Yes, and I want you to die with a tan.

Fritz Howard:
You know the interesting thing about illusions? See, the magician rehearses over and over again until it's perfect - but practice doesn't make perfect. It makes a pattern; and, if you have a pattern, you can prove intent; and, with intent, you get... murder.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Try to keep the rabbit in the hat this time, will you?

FBI Agent Jackson:
We're not going to get in anybody's way, trust me.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I stopped believing boys who said, "Trust me" when I was sixteen.

Willie Ray Johnson:
Well, there's something I really ought to tell you. It'll only take a minute.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, can it wait till tomorrow morning? We could have breakfast and talk about whatever you like.

Willie Ray Johnson:
All right tomorrow. Only, honey, you can't keep working like this your whole life. It'll catch up with you.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I expect it will, but not tonight. Bye.

Willie Ray Johnson:
Drive carefully.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
The doctor said we're in no danger of losing Daddy.

Willie Ray Johnson:
I'm not afraid of losing him. I'm worried about how to keep him.

[Chief Pope has filled out a complaint against Brenda]

Sharon Raydor:
At one time he may have been your friend and something more than that, but he is also your boss and he's demanding that you recognize his authority.

Andy Flynn:
So, what are you thinking, Chief? Somebody's trying to make the priest look dirty?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm thinking that, if he didn't take these photographs, it would explain why he went out in the middle of the night to an apartment he didn't know was his.

Julio Sanchez:
Sir. The next time you receive last rites, I'll be there in the viewing room, probably standing next to your two sons - and make sure you wave before they put the needle in your arm.

[about the interview with the mayor to become Chief of Police]

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Chief, if you don't at least attend this final interview, the women of the LAPD will be completely demoralized, and many of them will never forgive you. Ever.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, can I just skip the whole prep part? I'll just go in there and be myself.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
That is a *terrible* idea.

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
So, when you say you're not interested in the job, it's... it's very disappointing.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Didn't you tell me yourself that I had no real chance at being Chief? That you were only permitting me to submit an ap...

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Excuse me? Permission?

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
No, that's - that's - that's not what I said. I did not say that.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes, you did. You permitted me to apply as a sort of stalking horse...

Captain Sharon Raydor:
You did not.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
I think that we should capitalize on your feminine strengths.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Which are?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Uh, don't take this the wrong way, Chief - because I have always admired with how little you care about current fashion. And the - the purse. That... That purse. Come on. That - the - the purse. This purse helps people underestimate you - which I think, you know, is a good thing when it comes to criminals. The Mayor - he's somebody you really want to impress - so I was wondering if we could...

Captain Sharon Raydor:
May I ask you a question?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sure, Captain. Why not?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Do you really not want to be Chief of Police?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No, I don't.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
And as a woman, don't you feel an obligation to at least give it a try?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
As a woman, I feel I've earned the right to options, and one of my options should be to say no.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
You don't think that I wanted to spend my career in Internal Affairs, doing a job that leaves me disliked and mistrusted by my fellow officers every day of my life? No, I chose I.A. because I thought it was the quickest way to achieve rank. And I also thought it'd be good for the department to see a woman in a Captain's uniform. And, of course, you got your job the old-fashioned way.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How's that?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
By sleeping with the boss. That's not an insult. It is a time-honored way of moving forward, but those roads are not open to everyone, and you have the chance to maybe change that a little

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So, you're saying I should take the job whether I want it or not.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Yes. Please make the oh-so-terrible sacrifice of accepting a promotion that offers you more money, prestige, and power than any other job in the city. And, if it will help you with the suffering, you'll not only be a positive role model for little girls all over this country, but I personally will feel very... I will feel very proud to have a Chief that I can truly admire.

Debbie Shriner:
Why are you treating Marc like this?

Andy Flynn:
To be completely honest with you, ma'am, he looks like trouble.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You lied about going on a date, about being in her apartment, and you lied about having sex with her.

Fritz Howard:
When you say it all out loud like that, it sounds pretty bad.

Fritz Howard:
Don't be late. You got a big day tomorrow.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So everyone keeps telling me.

Andy Flynn:
Look, your boyfriend didn't just fall off the wagon. He jumped... with both feet... and then he pushed the wagon over the cliff.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So the baseball bat didn't kill him?

Dr. Morales:
No. Though it probably really annoyed him as he was dying of a broken neck.

Ashley Rogers:
Do you know how to be quiet?

Louie Provenza:
I think so.

Ashley Rogers:
Well, that's too bad, because I only know how to be loud.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes, Lieutenant, it's always good news when suspects in a homicide can point to us for their alibi.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Look, whenever a member of my division stumbles on a body, it is automatically a major crime.

[running gag on word choice]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So how does a criminal with a drug history end up dead in the bathroom of a stewardess's condo?

Julio Sanchez:
Uh, I think they're called "flight attendants" now, Chief.

Russell Taylor:
Thirty years on the force and I get a cubicle. A cubicle!

Will Pope:
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to explain this kind of behavior when you're applying to be Chief of Police?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I might.

[Brenda gives an assignment]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Consider this your chance to prove that the women weren't using you.

Andy Flynn:
And if they were?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Use 'em back.

Det. Julio Sanchez:
You have the right to SHUT UP! Any stupid thing you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If your broke ass can't afford an attorney, one will be appointed to your stupid ass.

[Further utterances travel out of earshot]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[examining the recording device from the victim's chest] Is it one of ours?

Buzz Watson:
Well, that's hard to tell. I mean, you can buy this at any electronics store, though this one looks brand new.

Andy Flynn:
Well, there's your answer. If it's new, it can't be LAPD.

David Gabriel:
Uh... uh... Daniels and I broke up a couple weeks ago and, uh, things have been... awkward... since then. Anyway, I'm afraid that it, uh... the stuff between us might be affecting the cohesiveness of our division, and I'm not sure that we both can stay, and I've been thinking that it might be best if... Daniels transferred out. I mean, I'm not... I'm not angry...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, I can see that.

David Gabriel:
I'm just thinking about what's best for her and what's best for the entire...

Irene Daniels:
[knocking and entering] Uh, excuse me, uh... Chief, is this a good time?

[Having given her report, Daniels exits, and Brenda resumes Gabriel's discussion about having Daniels transferred out]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Tell me, Sergeant, can you do that, what she just did, the forensic accountin'?

David Gabriel:
What do you mean, the stuff with the banks?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
'Cause I need someone with expertise with "that stuff with the banks" on our team, and since you think the cohesiveness of our division is being hurt and one of you absolutely must go, fill out that transfer request and start thinkin' about where you might want me to send you.

Louie Provenza:
I'm telling' you, this is the dumbest snipe hunt the chief as ever sent us on. I'm out here pounding the pavement like some damn rookie.

Andy Flynn:
What's the matter? Your Medicare shoes don't like to walk uphill?

Louie Provenza:
One of 'em's about to walk up your ass!

Louie Provenza:
Flynn, what in the hell are you doin'?

Andy Flynn:
I'm using my head as an antenna. You wanna try?

Ricardo Ramos:
Do you really want the killer to know that you've got him on tape?

Brenda Leigh Johnson, Will Pope:
[together] No comment.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you know why your father tried to kill you?

Armand Marku:
It's a long story. You want the one that starts in the 14th century or today?

Sharon Raydor:
In the interest of time, just as far back as necessary.

Fritz Howard:
Is there anything special you want from Santa this year?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Maybe an Albanian translator.

Fritz Howard:
Oh, you are so hard to shop for.

Dr. Morales:
You know that moment every year when it suddenly begins to feel like Christmas?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes?

Dr. Morales:
Not happening for me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Uh, any luck gettin' my present from you?

Fritz Howard:
You didn't really think I was gonna find an Albanian translator on Christmas day, did you?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, I ask you for one thing...

Louie Provenza:
I hate to interrupt, but it is a holiday and, any minute now, we're gonna be bombarded with suicides, and I... I don't want to see this dinner go to waste.

Clay Johnson:
Now, then, who wants to carve the turkey?

Dr. Morales:
Oh, yeah, yeah, let me do it.

David Gabriel:
Oh, come ON.

Dr. Morales:
Don't worry. I do this all day long.

Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How'm I gonna tell that man his wife was eaten by coyotes?

David Gabriel:
Chief, are you SURE you've recovered enough from your surgery to be doing this?

Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I have a note from the doctor, Sergeant. You can read it if you'd like.

Mike Tao:
It seems like she accelerated right off the cliff.

David Gabriel:
If she's from D.C., she might have been lost, didn't see the turn.

Andy Flynn:
Or she did it on purpose.

Louie Provenza:
A woman so concerned about the planet that she rents a hybrid to kill herself in?

Andy Flynn:
I don't know. Maybe she saw a tree down there she wanted to hug.

Dr. Morales:
Notice anything unusual about your vic's face?

Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Don't make me guess.

Dr. Morales:
Coyotes always feed on the body's soft tissue first. My guess is they left her face alone because of the seasoning.

Dep. Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Excuse me?

Dr. Morales:
Someone doused your vic with pepper spray, which might explain why she drove off the cliff in the first place.

Dr. Morales:
[to his Morgue assistant busying himself with an exhumed body] Can you give me a hand?

[the Morgue assistant breaks off the right hand from a body and hands it to Dr. Morales]

Dr. Morales:
Thank you. Moving on.

Andy Flynn:
[about the former Det. Andrews] Oh, yeah. He's a real lady.

D.D.A. Andrea Hobbs:
And I can't put Det. Andrews on the stand like that.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Why not? We need her testimony, not her testicles.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You want ME to talk Det. Andrews out of his dress?

Louie Provenza:
You know, Andrews, when those doctors cut your balls off, they should have pulled the stick out of your ass at the same time!

Fritz Howard:
Have a nice murder.

Andy Flynn:
I mean, if we had any priors, we wouldn't need Osgood's confession.

Louie Provenza:
But we HAVE Osgood's confession. It's just because Empty Pants here won't bite the bullet and put on the clothes that he was BORN TO WEAR. Doesn't mean that we can't have somebody read his testimony in court.

Mike Tao:
I believe you can only do that if he isn't available.

Louie Provenza:
HEEEEEE... ISN'T available.

Will Pope:
Uh, and what makes you think that... "George" can get your confession?

Georgette:
Let's call it "woman's intuition."

Andy Flynn:
So, you ready to go - Louie?

Louie Provenza:
[chuckles] Call me that just once more and Georgette won't be my only ex-partner without a penis.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Killin' someone's not my idea of closin' a case, anyway.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You know what?

Fritz Howard:
What?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm so glad not to be datin' ever again. I mean, really, really glad.

Lt. Andy Flynn:
It's over, Chief! It's over.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No, it isn't. I still have a notification to do.

Charlie:
[to Brenda] He thinks I'm a youth volunteer.

Fritz Howard:
And the nurses think you're his sister.

Charlie:
They only allow family members in the ICU. Thank God I heard you use his mom's name. Obviously Jake knows I'm not his sister, so I told HIM I was a youth volunteer. It was easier than explaining you're my aunt.

Fritz Howard:
[to Brenda, laughing] You two are so related.

Charlie:
[learning her privacy was invaded] Recording me!

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm only doing this to protect Jake.

Charlie:
No one believes that, including you.

[Charlie exits]

Fritz Howard:
[glaring at Brenda] Including me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
There is no substitute for sugar.

Sharon Raydor:
Just keep your eye on the ball, everyone, and ignore me like you usually do.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Uh, Lieutenant, when did I arrive?

Louie Provenza:
From Atlanta or tonight?

Sharon Raydor:
Asking all these questions at every one of your crime scenes for the past two months, I am feeling less like a captain and more like a hall monitor every day. I understand the importance of the federal lawsuit we are facing, but I am not convinced that my constant presence in your division is necessary; and, there is something else. There is something else that I've been meaning to tell you.

Sharon Raydor:
I've had a job offer - Director of Internal Threats and Corporate Security at the Los Angeles Convention Center.

Russell Taylor:
You're quitting?

Sharon Raydor:
I'm eligible to collect my captain's pension, and I feel like it's time to work someplace where people might be glad to see me.

Will Pope:
Captain, do not feel that you are unappreciated.

Sharon Raydor:
I walk into a room, it goes silent. I can't say hello to anyone outside the Professional Standards Bureau without provoking a defensive response. Between that and a few things in my personal life, I feel that it's time for me...

Will Pope:
Captain, you can not retire tight now. No one else is nearly as familiar with this federal case against us; and, with all due respect to your issues, Major Crimes is run by a deputy chief and three lieutenants. Replacing you with a lower ranking officer, it's... i-it's not even possible. I have no one else for this job.

Sharon Raydor:
Can't do it anymore. I'm sorry, sir.

Will Pope:
All right, when the promotions freeze is over, I will make you a commander.

Russell Taylor:
Wow. That's quite an offer, Captain.

Sharon Raydor:
Thank you, Chief... but I feel I've have enough.

Louie Provenza:
Apropos of nothing, really, when can Major Crimes start planning your retirement party? I wanna bring the balloon animals myself.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[hearing about Raydor's retrement] But she hasn't found the leak yet.

Fritz Howard:
You don't believe there IS a leak.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It doesn't mean I'm... right.

Fritz Howard:
Amazing.

Sharon Raydor:
As good as Coach Carr's intentions are, his actions were illegal.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Or you could say that the challenges he faced at work forced him to look for unorthodox solutions; and now, for goin' above and beyond the call of duty, he'll probably lose his job.

Sharon Raydor:
Well, maybe it's time for him to move on.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I don't know. He seemed to be doin' important work... even if it wasn't fully appreciated by his boss and fellow teachers. There's something about that I find... admirable.

Sharon Raydor:
Me, too.

Fritz Howard:
Just hand me the damn angel.

Grady Reed:
Gary doesn't lie.

Will Pope:
Commander, sometimes being a team player means sitting on the bench.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Say something Southern.

Grady Reed:
Well, uh, what do you want me to say?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, I don't know. Something about kudzu or a peach tree.

Clay Johnson:
I hope we didn't cancel our plans to spend our holiday in Florida just so we can listen to our daughter talk on her cell phone the whole week.

Clay Johnson:
Brenda, don't make things worse by tellin' stories. Now, your mother and I canceled plans to go to St. Augustine, where we were gonna meet up with your brothers, sisters-in-law, all your nieces and nephews - you understand? - because you said that you were gonna be home for Christmas.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
But I WAS comin' home.

Clay Johnson:
But not to see us.

Willie Ray Johnson:
Maybe you'll find out yourself one day: The child who comes home to visit the least is the one you want to see the most. We just miss you, is all.

Willie Ray Johnson:
Wesley? Don't think about anything else for a second. Just give me your hand.

Clay Johnson:
If you don't pull it altogether, Grady's gonna think something's wrong.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Something IS wrong, Daddy. I have to tell that boy, tomorrow, that his brother's dead.

Clay Johnson:
No, you do not. You're gonna tell him that Wesley's working with the police, undercover, until the kid gets used to not seein' him.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How much longer do you think Grady's gonna believe that?

Clay Johnson:
You told your mother you were a professional liar. I think you could figure out something to tell him. Make him believe it.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I hate to say this, Will, but this whole chief-selection process, it has not brought out the best in you, and if this is how you intend to run the department, I'm not even sure it's a job you should have.

Will Pope:
Well, you think you could do better?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't.

Lieutenant Andy Flynn:
[waking up in the hospital to see Provenza holding a balloon] So there is a hell.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're not there yet, Lieutenant.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
[Flynn glances at the balloon, which says "It's a Girl", Provenza shrugs] It's the only one they had in the gift shop.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Good, 'cause I've got some questions for you.

Lieutenant Andy Flynn:
Like who would want to kill me?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lots of people, I'm sure, but who would actually go to the trouble?

Sgt. David Gabriel:
Chief, I just ran into Captain Raydor out in the hallway and she said "hello" to me.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
She's up to something.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[showing a cell phone picture to Lt. Flynn] Is this the man who attacked you?

Sharon Raydor:
I should mention that if you positively ID the victim, then this case becomes mine, right now. On the other hand, if you don't recognize this man, then this case will be investigated by Major Crimes; so, bearing all that in mind, is this the man who tried to kill you?

Lieutenant Andy Flynn:
[obviously lying] It is hard to say. It all happened so fast.

Sharon Raydor:
Very good.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Someone paid this guy to kill Lt. Flynn.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
I'm in violent agreement.

Rick Zuman:
You know it's illegal to question me without my attorney present, although I LOVE that you guys are doing something illegal.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Always nice to meet someone who understands their rights.

Rick Zuman:
Mm, once you've had them taken away, you appreciate them more.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You just drove around for an hour, passed thirty hospitals until he bled out, and then you dumped his body in San Bernardino. If it's not murder, it's the worst case of littering I've ever seen.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'll tell you what, I'll give all this money back to the FBI and you spend the rest of your life on Death Row and we'll call it even.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Our dead... paparazzo may have taken some compromising photos.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
Why do we think this?

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Because there was no camera.

Captain Taylor:
Who's your witness?

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Elvis Presley. He's also a suspect.

Captain Taylor:
Let's just tell the press, "No Comment".

Agent Fritz Howard:
There is no joint investigation. I'm afraid you'll have to return Deluca to Agent Hecht.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
I'm sorry. Deluca stays here.

Agent Tim Hecht:
What? Where do you get the authority to hold him?

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
He's in my building surrounded by hundreds of police officers. I think that's all the authority I need.

Agent Tim Hecht:
That's extortion.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
Yeah. Take a minute and get over it.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I never bluff, Sergeant. I merely express my optimism forcefully.

[from trailer]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If I liked being called a b*tch to my face I'd still be married.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If I liked being called a b*tch to my face, I'd still be married.

Phillip Stroh:
Most criminals, they do their time, and when they get out of prison they go on about their lives anonymously. Sex offenders are registered until the day they die. They're branded, like animals. Now, if the state is going to punish them more harshly than other criminals, then it also assumes a special burden to prove their continuing threat to society. It's MY job to make sure the state demonstrates that threat.

Phillip Stroh:
Look on the bright side, Chief. At least it's over.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It's not over.

Phillip Stroh:
It is.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
What makes a child go bad? Nature or nurture?

Lieutenant Mike Tao:
Unfortunately, Chief, by the time we get involved, it really doesn't matter.

Theresa Monroe:
You're so worried about what someone might be doing to Sergei? I think you should be more worried about what Sergei is doing to someone else.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Cut out the actual wound, please. Thank you.

Dr. Morales:
Would you like that for here or to go?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If I may, I'd like to offer some advice. When investigatin' shootings like this, I question the criminals first before my fellow officers.

Sharon Raydor:
When I have an unarmed civilian sprayed by bullets from a member of the LAPD, I expect cooperation. It encourages me. And if I could offer YOU some advice, uh, while I am investigating this shooting, be careful where you place your sympathies.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Chief.

Sharon Raydor:
Excuse me?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
"Be careful where you place your sympathies, CHIEF." You are a captain, and a subordinate officer, and you will remember that when addressing me. Do I make myself clear, Captain?

Sharon Raydor:
Perfectly... Chief.

Sharon Raydor:
Clearly, Chief Johnson wants to combine my case with her murder in order to protect a well-liked member of her division.

Louie Provenza:
I remember Raydor back when she was a sergeant. Filed a complaint against my old partner George Andrews. Said he was misogynistic, heh. We had to look it up. Got both of us four months of sensitivity training.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, that was a complete waste of time.

Louie Provenza:
A relationship based on love is worth fighting for. Isn't it?

Andy Flynn:
Who ARE you?

[repeated line]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh! That WOMAN!

FID Officer Randall:
Hey-hey-HEY! What're you doin'?

Louie Provenza:
We're headed for the newsstand, pick up a paper, read about the two FID guys who got fired because they disregarded orders from the Pope.

FID Officer Randall:
Listen, I'm not gonna...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Tone, tone, tone. That's no way to talk to a lieutenant, or a deputy chief for that matter. Sir, if you do anything to interfere with my murder investigation, I'll see to it you spend the next month on unpaid leave. Is that understood? Okay, Buzz. Buzz, start filming everything over here, including the unhappy officers over there.

David Gabriel:
But I do want to thank you, Chief, for being there for me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, If I'm gonna be upset with you when you're wrong, Sergeant, the least I can do is stand up for you when you're right.

Fritz Howard:
Anyway, I don't know how to break this to you, but you are gonna have to spend some time alone with your parents.

Fritz Howard:
[to Brenda] Thank you so much.

Dr. Morales:
You all right? You seem a little down and you haven't interrupted me yet.

Clay Johnson:
If I am tired. it's because I'm tired of people telling me I'm tired - especially you, Willie Ray! I am bone-weary of the word "tired!" Now, y'all can go back to ignoring me because now I am going to bed.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Look, whether or not you like it - whether or not I like it, frankly - I have to finish this audit, which means I need to speak to your people.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No, you don't. You're questioning my investigation and my orders. That audit should begin and end with me.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
But it won't.

Assistant Chief Will Pope:
Look, I don't know exactly what happened that day, but obviously dropping Turell Baylor off in front of angry gang members was not Chief Johnson's finest hour.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
And insisting on immunity for a child killer was not yours.

Professor Alex Banks:
Of course, the real irony here is, if I had actually been having an affair with Ashley, if I had walked her to the door and gone inside, she might still be alive.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, that's the best justification for adultery I've heard in a long time.

Andy Flynn:
How long do you think the Commander is gonna stare into that grave?

Fritz Howard:
You guys might wanna consider putting Taylor on suicide watch.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Ashley was babysittin' for one of her professors, a Mr. Alex Banks, the man who drove her home the night she died; and, according to his wife, the professor had an affair with another student ten months ago.

David Gabriel:
How'd the wife find out?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
The professor paid for the young woman's abortion on his credit card.

Dr. Morales:
Mm, careless. That's why it's a good idea to keep cash around the house.

[Brenda's investigation leaves Alex's personal life in ruins, with strong parallels as to how the lawsuit may affect Brenda's professional life as well]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I certainly know how hard it is to be accused of things you haven't done.

Professor Alex Banks:
Yeah. I'm not exactly innocent, though, am I? That's the trouble. I cheated on my wife and my family - more than once, honestly, because I thought I could get away with it - but not every mistake can be fixed with an apology, no matter how sorry you are.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, you're owning up to what you've done. That's a start.

Professor Alex Banks:
At what?

Will Pope:
Before we go any further down this Gail Myers road, let me point out to you that, when you aim at a police commissioner's wife and miss, there are consequences.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[turning on the "stolen" car's radio] Ah. Classic music station.

Louie Provenza:
Playing Beethoven - as everyone knows, the favorite composer for nine out of ten car thieves.

[Buzz plays a recording of Gail and a patrolman]

Long Island Police Officer:
Step out of the car, please.

Gail Meyers:
What? Why?

Long Island Police Officer:
I need you to step out of the vehicle right now.

Gail Meyers:
You were waiting in that parking lot. This is entrapment. Do you know who my husband is?

Long Island Police Officer:
Step over here...

Gail Meyers:
Do you know who my husband is?

Long Island Police Officer:
...right now.

Gail Meyers:
DO YOU KNOW WHO MY HUSBAND IS?

Long Island Police Officer:
Step right over here.

Will Pope:
Okay. I've heard enough. Wow. How'd she get THAT expunged form her record?

Andy Flynn:
[wryly] Don't you know who her husband is?

Louie Provenza:
Do NOT... leave this room!

Buzz Watson:
Why not?

Louie Provenza:
Because Sgt. Gabriel is about to make a break in the case.

Louie Provenza:
Thirty-year-old single man lives alone with no pornography. THAT'S suspicious.

Roger Stimple:
You don't understand. If they put me back in general population, they'll beat me. They'll beat me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No, Roger, I do understand. What I'm tryin' to tell you is - I don't care.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
[about video of Brenda online] Oh, and congratulations, Chief Johnson! You've just become the most downloaded, fully-clothed woman on the Internet!

Det. Lt. Provenza:
[looking at the blonde who has just rolled out of Ray Hodge's dropped casket] Wow. Looks like you *can* take it with you.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
[with a mouth full] Nothing tastes better than somebody else's wedding cake. Mine tasted like prison food.

[last lines]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[handing the bride her cake topper] Oh! Oh! I'm sorry. I almost forgot. You know, giving this back to you, is almost as sweet as... the icing on your cake.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
[pall-bearers are having trouble carrying the casket] God, Hodge! How much weight did you put on?

Michelle Morgan:
[a body is blocking the stairs leading to the church where she is about to be married] Excuse me! I don't know WHAT is going on here, but this is MY day and I want that body moved this INSTANT!

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Detective Sanchez! Stop that bride!

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you think he might have been... involved with her?

Maggie Hodge:
With Ray's heart, he couldn't raise a flag - and viagra would have been suicide.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Detective, what do you think of my lipstick?

Det. Irene Daniels:
Uh... you asking me as a friend or the Chief?

Andy Flynn:
In the seven and a half years that, um, Ray and I were partners, we never knew where the shift was gonna take us, but when it was done, we always had a hell of a story and a good collar, and today he's riding shotgun with the apostles, and St. Peter can rest easier knowing that Ray Hodge has his back.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza - with me, with me, with me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
And as soon as the coroner has finished with his autopsy, I'll have Mr. Hodge's body returned to you for reburial.

Maggie Hodge:
Don't bother. As far as I'm concerned, you can burn them - and I'm not talking some fancy cremation, either. I'm talking... gasoline, paint thinner... and strike a match.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
I am looking for some instant shut-up - NOW!

Mr. Eckert:
That casket left my funeral parlor with one body in it. Only one, I swear.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
And how can you be sure of that, sir?

Mr. Eckert:
Because at Sheffield and Eckert I'm what's known as the closer.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Scuse me?

Mr. Eckert:
I'm the last person to view the body, and then I close the coffin - tight.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, I was thrown off when he threw up!

Commissioner Andrew Schmidt:
Odd, isn't it, how our enemies never change. During World War II, they recited "Mein Kampf" while shoving people into gas chambers. And during most of my professional life, they quoted Marx and Engels while they shot you in the back of the head. And now, they misuse the Qur'an. Same people. Different books.

Commissioner Andrew Schmidt:
Odd isn't it, how our enemies never change. During World War II, they recited Mein Kampf while shoving people into gas chambers. And during most of my professional life, they shot you in the back of the head, quoting Marx and Engles. And now, they misuse the Koran. Same people, different books.

Det. Andy Flynn:
Tarpits in the middle of the city; they say LA has no center.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I remember once hearin' a speech about what it meant to be an officer of the CIA and the man who gave this speech talked about the struggle to control civilization and how we're always fightin' the same fight, and he used the dark ages as an example. And he talked about how on the one side you had the pragmatic king who was greedy and power hungry and basically took advantage of people whenever he could. And on the other side you had the idealistic church forcin' everyone to follow the same rules, believe the same thing, and all that. Neither the king nor the church was ever completely right or wrong, both sides ended up doin' terrible things to get what they wanted, really terrible things. The point of the story was this, that this struggle from the dark ages had been goin' on forever, and the church and the king might take on different philosophies but they would always fight each other, pragmatists and idealists, and at most times, you're better off standin' on the sidelines, lettin' them duke it out. But every once in a while, one side or the other decides it might be better just to blow up the whole world just to get its own way and when that happens you can't stand on the sidelines any more. You have to pick a team. So for tonight anyway, we're servin' the king.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
I like it right there, your picture.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lt. Provenza, what're you doin' here, it's late! Why aren't you home?

Det. Lt. Provenza:
Course ideally, you'd hang it up right now and put it where it belongs, or pragmatically you might just set it down on the floor. But see, your instinct is to split the difference so that even if it's not perfectly placed, you can still see it.

Agent Fritz Howard:
Is this official?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, of course. Yeah. I'm just a little behind on my paperwork, that's all.

Will Pope:
Okay, look, solving the murder is job one. Job two is making sure that Goldman doesn't wind up dead in the process, and I think you need to address the leak in your division openly; so, find the killer, but be aware of all the moving pieces on the board.

Julio Sanchez:
The important thing here, Chief: J-Rock was killed by his own gang.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Like Turell.

Julio Sanchez:
Like Turell. That's not done without permission.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So, who's the shot-caller inside the One-Ten-Crips? Is there a way to follow the money trail on an inside gang killing?

Julio Sanchez:
It's all cash business, but we could look back to see if any of the One-Ten-Crips spent a lot of money after Turell died, but that's only gonna help get the kids who did the dirty work and not the guy in charge.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If whoever ordered the hit on J-Rock also ordered the hit on Turell, then all this violence goes back to the convenience store Turell robbed, the owner and his grandson that he shot to death.

Julio Sanchez:
Looking at that store - s'a good idea. It was protected. There's gotta be a reason for that.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Maybe we should also find out who paid for the funerals of that poor old man and that little boy.

Julio Sanchez:
Not we. You.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Whadda you mean?

Julio Sanchez:
Chief, Goldman's here, in this print shed, right now. Everything that you say and everything that you do will get back to him. You need to follow up without us. When you're not sure who you can trust, Chief - don't trust anyone.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
But, Julio, these people are my friends.

Julio Sanchez:
That's what J-Rock was thinking when he parked the car.

Marvin Evans:
So, you're an idiot, or does that accent just make you sound like one?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[to Sergeant Gabriel, on notifying relatives of a homicide] Now watch carefully. You're about to become a main character in someone's story of their worst day ever.

Andy Flynn:
Chief, we're calling him Jack, like in "Jack-in-the-Box." You get it?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Yes, Lieutenant, I get it. What I don't get is how Mr. Box got in my office!

Dr. Terrence:
Uh, sorry it's taken' so long but, uh, I'm having a hard time getting this guy out of your box.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
All bets are off, gentlemen.

Russell Taylor:
Why?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It turns out our killer is our victim.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
These... are the very BEST BROWNIES I have ever had in my entire life!

Charlie:
It's not my fault you're a drunk.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I thinking that whoever killed Doug Courtney's gonna be very surprised when he pays them a visit.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Is all this bettin' necessary?

Andy Flynn:
Uh, no, ma'am.

Louie Provenza:
But it makes staring at blank screens for three hours a hell of a lot more interesting.

Fritz Howard:
She's inconsiderate, she is difficult, she's completely self-centered, she's disrespectful...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
She's sixteen. What else would she be?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're the one who wants kids.

Fritz Howard:
I wanna be ignored and alienated by my own children, not someone else's. She's going home - tonight.

Fritz Howard:
Would you really have arrested her?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No.

[kisses him]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I would have let you do it.

[repeated line]

Mike Tao:
Walk with me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sometimes good people are capable of bad things. There have to be consequences for that.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We really just wanted to eliminate you and your wife as suspects.

Davis Mayhan:
You want to eliminate me as a suspect?

Laura Mayhan:
All right, honey.

Davis Mayhan:
Was it a long painful death? Was he brutally tortured before he died?

Will Pope:
No.

Davis Mayhan:
Then it wasn't me.

Russell Taylor:
Congratulations. I've never seen you handle the press better.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I didn't say a word to 'em.

Russell Taylor:
Exactly.

Karen Silva:
Well, a good deed is its own reward.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sure, but a good deed and a life insurance policy is even better.

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
And now to finish up here, on behalf of the entire LAPD, allow me to say how sorry I am that you lied to us so much, and that you knocked your wife around to such an extent, that we considered you a suspect in her murder.

Ryan Hughes:
That's your apology?

Asst. Police Chief Will Pope:
[nods affirmatively] Mm-hmm.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Who else is comin' to breakfast, Switzerland?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You don't understand my daddy. When he wants something, he will not stop until he gets it. Trust me on this.

Fritz Howard:
So it runs in the family, then.

Fritz Howard:
Sometimes the only way to deal with a control freak is to lay down the law.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I totally agree.

Fritz Howard:
Which is why I'm saying I wanna be married by the end of January or February of next year at the latest. And the next time we talk about it, you better have a date in mind.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I have a waffle iron?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Lieutenant Flynn... Your resignation surprised me most of all. The whole time I've been here you've never said one complimentary thing about or to me.

Det. Andy Flynn:
Chief, you have really great legs.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'd like to start with you, Ms. Powell. I'd like to say how sorry I am that I was unable to ignore your general level of incompetence in the wrongly obtained conviction in the case of Bill Croelick. And I'm sorry if you felt hurt and defensive about putting a man on death row for the wrong crime and I certainly hope that that will never ever happen again. Agent Jackson, I, I deeply regret that the FBI handed over two million dollars to a man on a terrorist watch list without the capacity to trace it, or managed to follow him for months without knowing his wife was having an affair with the doctor. And I hope you do much better in the future. Captain Taylor, I suppose I should apologize to you for not having been born in Los Angeles, but, having seen your work up close now for several months, I can honestly say that, try as I might, I can't think of *any* fair and reasonable system on Earth where I wouldn't outrank you. There, I hope that clears everything up. Well, excuse me, I mean, uh, I have to go. Thank you very much, Thank you.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
So you both work for the Pruitts?

Gardener #1:
Yes.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
And were you working at the Pruitt's house two evenings ago?

Gardener #1:
Yes.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
And did you climb Mount Everest in your underpants?

Gardener #1:
Yes.

Detective Julio Sanchez:
Maybe this would go a little quicker if I handled it, Chief.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You think?

Detective Julio Sanchez:
Yes.

Peter Goldman:
[happy and seeing the others crying] Was it something I said?

Will Pope:
Pepper spray. Sorry we can't offer you any.

David Gabriel:
So, Mr. Perez, we're investigating Mr. Michael's death and...

Bruno Perez:
I know. And you have to start admitting it was an accident instead of acting like he offed himself.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Is that what we're doin'?

Bruno Perez:
Well, you're being very tight with the details, and in this new media environment - which is very difficult to explain to someone your age - Missy's about to become a star; so, going around saying her dad jumped off a cliff because he gambled everything on her and thought he lost - that's not good. I mean, I totally get it looks better for you guys to call it a suicide, but why should Missy be punished because it took you five days to find him? It's not her fault.

Andy Flynn:
[delivering the coroner's findings] Mr. Michaels, missing for five days, had just eaten some kind of blue candy and a pizza.

David Gabriel:
So - what? - he got lost on Mount Pepperoni?

Sharon Raydor:
[to Pope about Goldman's settlement offer] There's something here we're missing. I don't trust Goldman. And when it comes to this agreement, I don't trust you, either.

Beth Michaels:
You lied to me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Welcome to Hollywood.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
The way you led her down the garden path, just telling her what she wanted to hear... so simple.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, when someone is guilty, they're pretty easy to lead.

Gavin Q. Baker III:
How right you are. That's why...

[casts Goldman's settlement offer to the floor]

Captain Sharon Raydor:
I usually go first.

Commander Taylor:
Then this should be a change for you.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[to Capt. Raydor] I'm not goin' anywhere with you. I can't stop FID from interfering, but if you wanna be involved, you're gonna have to follow me.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Knowing and understanding your rights as I've explained them to you, are you willing, Mr. Kretchner, to answer a few questions without an attorney preset?

Edward 'Teddy' Kretchner:
Eat me.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Is that "eat me" as in "I wanna talk" or "eat me" as in "I'm unwilling to cooperate?"

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Officers Stern and Duran have been completely exonerated.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
And because of the way Force Investigation Division operates, I'll be investigation' the murder of more good cops just like them.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Excuse me?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
When officers are shot and killed in the line of duty, they're investigated by me; when they shoot back, they're investigated by you. That means that they'll think twice before defending themselves. That hesitation will mean that more good cops will die, and I have to ask: Have you ever considered what your principles cost?

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Seventy million dollars. That was the settlement in the Rampart case. One hundred - that's how many convictions were overturned due to renegade policing and lack of oversight in one division alone, not to mention the loss of trust the LAPD needs to remain effective.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[taking it in] There has to be a better way.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Well... until then, you've got me.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It's just the six of us again, Lieutenant.

Louie Provenza:
For now.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We're already nowhere, Sergeant. It's hard to imagine how things could get much worse.

Louie Provenza:
[seeing reporter Ricardo Ramos enter] I don't think you should've said that out loud, Chief.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Commander, you are still our liaison to the press, are you not?

Russell Taylor:
Right.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, then, could you please... "liaise?"

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[interviewing a beaten man] Nobody ENCOURGED you to come talk to me?

Miguel Garza:
Absolutely not. I am here on my own violation.

Puppet:
You know why people shoot people in my neighborhood? 'Cause it's Tuesday. 'Cause it's too hot. 'Cause you look at 'em funny.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[upon learning the victim seduced eight women for his TV show] He did this to eight women and he only got shot once?

Marie Morgan:
Oh, my God. I just realized I never had sex with a dead person before.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, presumably he wasn't dead when you had sex with him. Was he?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Ugh, excuse me. Chief, um, am I to understand that you and, uh, Lt. Flynn and Lt. Provenza handed over all the evidence from the crime scene, including the gun, to a Detective... DICK... TRACY?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Did you even ask to see his badge?

Will Pope:
No, I didn't.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Then how could you have been so certain that he was an actual LAPD detective?

Will Pope:
He knew my mission statement!

Andy Flynn:
That should've been proof that he didn't work here. How did we miss that?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[summarizing] So, we have a tainted crime scene, a murder weapon and casings out of the chain of custody... We... we HEARD that there were witnesses from someone who could quite possibly be the killer, and if not, a pathological liar.

David Gabriel:
This? This is the Hook-Up King? This method must really work.

Julio Sanchez:
[smiling] It does.

Richard Tracy:
A parking garage: cold, dank, unforgiving. As mundane as evil itself, and yet...

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[interrupting] Detective, just the fact pattern, please.

Richard Tracy:
I demand to see my union rep!

Andy Flynn:
You don't HAVE a union rep!

Richard Tracy:
Oh, well, no wonder I'm so poorly represented!

Richard Tracy:
[to Brenda] Eh, you ever get tired of always playing the bad cop?

Will Pope:
But what will your division think of me if I submit this untruthful report to the chief?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
That you are exactly who you said you wanted to be - just one of the guys.

Will Pope:
Well, what does THAT mean?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We lie to you all the time. Everybody does. Robbery Homicide, Vice, Narcotics, even Traffic, heh-heh. It's the one thing that unites every division of the LAPD. We... we all lie to our boss.

Will Pope:
I-I don't... What am I supposed to say to that? What? "Thank you?"

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're welcome. And, um, as far as the respect that my division has for you, I-I-I can assure you, Will, that nothin's changed from yesterday to today.

Will Pope:
Honestly?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Honestly.

[while watching a broadcast of the press conference]

Lieutenant Andy Flynn:
So, that's the big announcement, huh? We're getting a new chief. Who do you think it's gonna be?

Commander Taylor:
Oh, I think we already know.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Do you really think that Will... Chief Pope is going to take over the entire department?

Commander Taylor:
I do.

Agent Fritz Howard:
From the look on his face, so does he.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
THAT'S why he loves this building so much. He thinks it's his!

Will Pope:
Lt. Provenza, your desk from Parker Center is city property. It was supposed to be sold at audition.

Louie Provenza:
It was. I bought it. This desk is the longest relationship of my adult life and I am NOT giving it up.

Will Pope:
Cops aren't happy unless they're miserable.

Will Pope:
A poor workman always blames his tools.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Nice place.

Detective Daniels:
Except for the murder.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, we all have a past.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
I've been waiting my entire career to say this... [long pause] The butler did it.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
Uh... I'm not saying we don't do good work around here, but we *rarely* get a confession out of a dead guy.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
I'm glad he's dead. Cuz that would've really hurt.

Rusty Beck:
Bad men are how I make a living. I hang out where all the bad men go. Bad men like to talk to me, and it doesn't hurt anybody to listen.

Rusty Beck:
It's just easier if we all just pretend I'm eighteen, all right? Please? If I'm eighteen, I'll help you guys out, deal?

Phillip Stroh:
You always lie. Who can trust you?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Let's talk a little about last night. Why were you in that particular part of Griffith Park?

Rusty Beck:
I like the view from up there.

David Gabriel:
There... was no view from where you were.

Rusty Beck:
That's what I like about it.

Rusty Beck:
[frustrated with Brenda's focus on the murdered women] They're dead! Don't you get it? They are dead! You can't help them anymore! Or is it just that you don't want to bother with ME? Is that is? You just want to use me like everybody else?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Don't say that. That's not true.

Rusty Beck:
Isn't it? I mean, you haven't even asked one real question about my life, not even a, you know, "Gosh, Rusty, what a crappy situation you've got having to spend your sixteenth birthday working as a street treat."

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
It looks like love. That's what it looks like. Looks like love.

David Gabriel:
The gangs keeps recruiting them younger and younger.

Louie Provenza:
Yeah, and we keep getting older and older.

Will Pope:
You know what this sounds like to me? A major crime. Is there any way I can help you that won't cost thousands of dollars from another division or interrupt an ongoing investigation?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
No.

Fritz Howard:
[at home] Joel misses you. He's purring. Can you hear that?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[at the office] Well, tell Joel I slept here last night because I had a 12-year-old murder victim in the morning, my two primary suspects turned up dead in the afternoon, and last night when I found the killer, it turned out she'd been gang-raped for the last three days.

Fritz Howard:
Well, I'm not telling Joel any of that. He's still just a kitten.

[Sgt. Gabriel, suspended for beating a suspect, finally returns to the office]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[on her way out with Lt. Provenza] Oh, Sgt. Gabriel... uh, if you could, please, babysit the suspect while I'm gone?

[Gabriel silently accepts]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Thank you.

[Johnson leaves]

Detective Lt. Provenza:
[in passing Sgt. Gabriel] There's no need to beat information out of this old man. He's been confessing all morning.

[Gabriel silently goes on about his duty]

Judd Whaley:
[put in handcuffs] No, no, hold on, one moment! I thought you said mercy killing and first degree murder were very different crimes!

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[Matter-of-factly] They are, but the punishment for both is exactly the same.

Judd Whaley:
Are you actually talking about putting me in prison?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[softly] Don't worry. It's not that different from Summerview, really. You have to sign in to visit people, friends and relatives tend to forget you exist, and, at some point, the state of California might just put you out of your misery.

Judd Whaley:
Well, I certainly don't deserve THIS.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
You're right, Mr. Whaley. Unfortunately... it's the worst I can do to you.

Julio Sanchez:
Kills me. White people pay all this money to store their family in places like this. We throw some carpet in the garage - everyone's welcome.

Detective Lt. Provenza:
[going through the suspect's room] Wait a minute. I do recognize him. Yeah, Baxter. Donald Baxter. He had the police beat on the newspaper when I was first starting out, Chief. How did he end up here?

Julio Sanchez:
Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll come visit you.

Donald Baxter:
So now you're ready to believe maybe I really did murder those seven people?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm starting to, yes.

Donald Baxter:
Then I'd like to withdraw my confession.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How 'bout this? Sign off on our overtime today and I promise I won't dig up any of those other dead bodies. We'll just find some other way to solve this thing.

Will Pope:
[thinking it over, unaware that Brenda is hiding the cremated remains of "those other dead bodies" behind her] Deal, but I'm holding you to that.

Doris Donnelly:
It's so difficult to meet people in Los Angeles. I tried going to AA for a little while, but it turns out you have to quit drinking completely, which seemed extreme.

David Gabriel:
So, now is not the best time to pick a battle with the Catholic church.

Louie Provenza:
Let's fight one Pope at a time.

Father Chris Donahue:
I celebrate mass three days a week at the county jail, and I take confession from the Border Brothers and the Sinaloan Cowboys and members of every Latino street gang in Los Angeles, all of whom, one way or another, are connected to dope, which means the Ochoa cartel. They're waiting for you to arrest somebody named Manuel Rivera or Mateo Hernandez. They've been told a former Tijuana commandant of that name's gonna show up, and whoever kills him earns an instant $50,000 for his family. Miss Johnson, Manuel has a price on his head. He's not gonna last an hour in the county jail.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
How do you know he was killed in Mexico? It doesn't say so on the photograph.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

Father Chris Donahue:
How long has it been since your last confession?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, I almost got one last night, but the suspect, Manuel Rivera, a.k.a. Mateo Hernandez, was killed in the county jail.

Father Chris Donahue:
You say Manuel is dead?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Officially... yes.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
If the autopsy report reads accident...

Will Pope:
Yeah. Or suicide. Suicide would be great.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
...I'll be sure to let you know.

Will Pope:
Don't make work for yourself.

Fritz Howard:
[summarizing Brenda's drowning victim, called an accident by the defendant's lawyer] So, Henry gave himself a knockout drug, cleaned out the glass or buried the vial, walked quickly to the pool, fell, hit his head, knocked itself out, and then dragged himself into the water. Well, that sounds reasonable.

Louie Provenza:
Family Law Attorneys Real Property Lien - FLARPL.

Andy Flynn:
Sounds like something you'd get at a Dairy Queen - in India.

Fritz Howard:
Taylor's throwing you to the wolves... or maybe just giving them a map to your body.

Eugene 'Topper' Barnes:
[smugly] So, do I have to talk to you guys?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Absolutely not, but I'd really like to hear about your sailing trip with Dr. Schafer.

Eugene 'Topper' Barnes:
Mm-hm.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Because there's nothing worse than putting the wrong man on trial, especially for murder, and around here we like to learn from our mistakes.

Eugene 'Topper' Barnes:
Yeah? Well, you guys should be geniuses, then, all the mistakes YOU make.

Fritz Howard:
But you had a lot of nerve, Brenda, calling me a liar. A lot of nerve.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
What's THAT supposed to mean?

Fritz Howard:
It means it's funny being accused of being dishonest by someone who lies all the time.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I do not lie all the time.

Fritz Howard:
You lie all the...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
When?

Fritz Howard:
When? You lie to your parents. In fact, you lie to your parents so much we had to have an extra phone line installed for over a year so they wouldn't know I was living here. You lie to Pope CONSTANTLY about what you do at work. You lie to me now when you say you're gonna do something like "look for a house" when you know you're not! You lied when you said you'd put THIS place on the market. You promised you'd do that three months ago and you never did it.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
That is not a lie! It's just... I get busy, that's all. It's not the same thing!

Fritz Howard:
You know, you're right. It's not the same thing. You and I, we have different flaws, Brenda, but I have been more... I have been MORE than patient with yours because I am pretty aware of how bad mine are; but, for you to say that you don't trust me, to suggest that our whole relationship is on the line because of mistakes I made before we started dating?... You throw the word "if" at me while you're wearing that ring?...

[silence]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
"If" is a very hard word to live with.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
[as she's carried down the stairs over the shoulder of a bomb squad member] I could walk this, you know.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
The school's not the target. We're IN the target.

Julio Sanchez:
Yeah, the neighbor who called in the "shots fired" knew him as Darren. Last name on the mailbox is Melman.

Louie Provenza:
Well, my vast experience as a detective tells me that his name is... Darren Melman.

Andy Flynn:
Chief, you get upset with us when we break the rules, you get upset with us when we follow the rules. If you wanna beef us for pulling you out of a bomb scene, be my guest!

Russell Taylor:
I-I would really hate to see you get blown up by a pipe bomb just as I... I've gotten used to you.

David Gabriel:
I, uh, pulled the file on the, uh, vandalism bust, and apparently Mr. Melman broke into his high school, where he, uh... defecated on the principal's desk.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Ew!

Louie Provenza:
Which means he's been dropping bombs his whole life.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
We could wait here all day.

John McFadden:
[amused] No, we can't. You're running out of time.

John McFadden:
See, I didn't create... I didn't create this bullshit world. I just want to do as much damage as I can before I go.

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Just... go home.

Det. Lt. Provenza:
Is that how they say "You're fired" in the South?"

Det. Andy Flynn:
Hey, relax! How about we pretend like we're police officers?

Deputy Chief Brenda Johnson:
Did I ever once imply that I would allow y'all to make up the rules as you went along?

Louie Provenza:
[whispering] How'd you like to make a quick two-thousand bucks, cash?

Andy Flynn:
No, thanks. Anything that begins with you whispering always ends with other people shouting.

Buzz Watson:
Is what we're doing even legal?

Andy Flynn:
Look, we're law enforcement and we're doing it, so that makes it legal, heh-heh-heh.

David Gabriel:
He fell from up there down to here?

Andy Flynn:
Yeah. Back dive and a half-twist. And, would you believe, the Russian judge only gave him an 8.5?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
With Capt. Raydor conducting a transparency audit on this entire division, you thought it was a brilliant idea to use one of our civilian techs to track a private citizen without a warrant?

Louie Provenza:
Well, I wouldn't say "brilliant."

[repeated line about Commander Taylor making a public fool of himself]

Fritz Howard, Will Pope:
I can live with that.

Louie Provenza:
Yeah, yeah, I'm off duty and I flashed my badge. I flashed it. Sue me.

Buzz Watson:
I would, but I don't want another body landing on my car.

Andy Flynn:
[entering a seedy motel room] Oh, look. You can still see the chalk outline from the last person who stayed here.

Scott Esposito:
[looking at the motel menu] Is anybody besides me getting hungry?

Louie Provenza:
No. Sit down and shut up.

Scott Esposito:
Oh, it's an UNCATERED kidnapping.

Will Pope:
Commander, if you can't put a positive spin on our arresting a murderer, I gotta wonder if it might be time for you to move on.

Sharon Raydor:
Did you know that there was a strong likelihood that after you dropped Mr. Baylor off at his home he'd be beaten to death by his fellow Crips?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I did not know that... but I do like happy endings.

Sharon Raydor:
And that answer is exactly why we're not recording this interview.

Sharon Raydor:
Calling Turell's murder "a happy ending" is not something that you want a jury to hear you say.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Sure we do, after they see this interview with the so-called victim?

Sharon Raydor:
After they see this interview, they'll understand you were stuck with a confession of a brutal murder of an elderly man and his grandchild that you couldn't use at trial, and lacking legal recourse, you dropped Turell Baylor off at his home where you knew he was likely to be executed. This interview is not your friend - it is your motive!

Mike Tao:
Go to the break room, get yourself a snack, watch some TV, okay?

Kevin Tao:
Yeah, okay.

Kevin Tao:
I'm sixteen years old, Dad, and you still treat me like I'm a little kid. It's not about my grades or the SATs. It's like you're trying to protect me from... I don't know what, but you can't hold on to me forever. You just can't.

Mike Tao:
[hugging Kevin] Yes, I can. I'll be holding onto you for the rest of your life.

Sharon Raydor:
You say that your responsibility ended the moment Turell left your custody, and the Warren Rule frees you from criminal liability, but in a civil trial, the jury may very well decide that you behaved with a callous disregard to the suspect's life, and if the city attorney starts to think that he's losing this case...

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
He could settle?

Sharon Raydor:
He could settle and leave you to take the blame, and you will be entirely on your own.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[taking awhile to think it over] So, what should I do?

Sharon Raydor:
For your own sake, GET... YOUR OWN... ATTORNEY.

Captain Sharon Raydor:
Chief Johnson, did you know that Mr. Baylor would be murdered after you dropped him off at his house?

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I'm not a fortune-teller. He asked me to take him home. I took him there.

[Delk, Raydor, and Pope exchange unsettled glances; Brenda glares at them]

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I did *nothing* wrong.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
[after hearing about the lawsuit] How about I just quit?

Chief Tommy Delk:
Then I'll tie this lawsuit around your neck and tell the city attorney that whatever happened to Turell Baylor was a consequence of your own personal actions. If that's what you want, go ahead. Quit.

Chief Tommy Delk:
[in her ear] I'm doing what's best for everyone here. Try to be helpful, Chief Johnson... for your own sake.

Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Oh, that woman!

Fritz Howard:
When I said I wanted kids, I

Jesse Ray Moore:
Killing's like having sex, you know? Only you don't have to talk to 'em after you're done.

[laughs]

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Daddy, you wanna know why I'm late? I been listening to a man tell me how he stabbed sixteen women to death!

Clay Johnson:
Well, I love you, too.

Charlie:
Do you not want me here?

Will Pope:
What's wrong?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
I just, uh... I just forgot to take Kitty out of my purse this morning.

Louie Provenza:
What's this?

Andy Flynn:
We're joining the FBI, but it's only temporary - like love.

Louie Provenza:
Uh, Buzz, would you mind, uh, escorting Lauren into the electronics room while we have our briefing?

Buzz Watson:
Not at all.

Louie Provenza:
Thanks, man. Oh, oh, and, Buzz, ahem, why don't you, uh... why don't you show her one of my old interviews?

Buzz Watson:
Sure. How about the one with you and John Wilkes Booth?

Fritz Howard:
Are there any questions?

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Well, yeah. How did Austin Blair end up dead?

Special Agent Jerry Moore:
We don't know.

David Gabriel:
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. We track this guy down, we find the body, and you guys tell us nothing? I mean, this-this-this is our big briefing?

Will Pope:
Yeah. Welcome to the FBI, everyone.

Lauren Hines:
Okay, you be careful out there.

Louie Provenza:
Oh, tell that to the bad guys.

[Buzz keeps his face buried in his hand]

Buzz Watson:
You should watch how you kiss her. Your gun almost went off.

Louie Provenza:
You have no idea.

Will Pope:
You know, maybe you should not bring your dead pets to work.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
For Heaven's sake, Fritzy, if we all stop lyin' to each other, how will we ever get to the truth?

David Gabriel:
The doctor will see you now.

Russell Taylor:
Chief, the fact that you made the short list for Chief of Police and Pope didn't, well, he's, um... he's a little bit off-balance.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Then straighten him out, please. I'm not about to let the killer of three American soldiers go free just because his nose is out of joint.

Brenda Leigh Johnson:
Low-functioning autistics have no language skills; they cannot survive independently by themselves. Keith is not like that. According to his school records, he's very intelligent but he does have issues : he's unemotional, frequently says inappropriate things, he's literal-minded, he gets fixated on minor details, he gets agitated when his routine is altered and he's extremely uncooperative when anything or anyone gets in the way of him doing what he wants.

Det. Andy Flynn:
Does he have a Georgia accent?

FBI Special Agent Fritz Howard:
I never get tired of saying this: you have the right to remain silent, you have the right to an attorney, anything you say can and may be used against you in a court of law.

Julio Sanchez:
This is a lot of Christmas cheer, Chief. Drugs, cash... add in the elf sex.

Casey Watson:
Oh, that's wonderful. You're helping parents delay the moment children realize they've been lied to about Christmas their whole lives. That must make you very proud.

Brenda:
WHERE ARE PROVENZA AND FLYNN?!!! That's not a rhetorical question, ( hitting stapler on desk) WHERE ARE FLYNN AND PROVENZA!

Det. Daniels- Off duty.

Brenda:
CLEARLY THEY ARE NOT, BECAUSE THEY ARE TAKING OVER CRIME SCENES!!!

"Hell, Hell, Hell"

Best line on The Closet with Kira Sedgwick

Suspect, "I said GO TO HELL!"

Brenda Lee "YOU FIRST!"