The Five-Year Engagement

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
This is supposed to be exciting. It's your wedding - you only get a few of these!

Taco Customer:
You're a white guy. You make tacos like a Mexican.

Tom Solomon:
Thanks.

Taco Customer:
Give me a hug.

Tom Solomon:
Really?

Taco Customer:
Give me a hug, now!

Tom Solomon:
Alright.

Taco Customer:
[goes in for the hug] Mmm. You smell like a taco.

Violet Barnes:
Where are you going?

Doug:
Uh... On my way to University of North Dakota.

Violet Barnes:
Oh! Well, that's good.

Doug:
Yeah. No, no, it's great. I'm excited. I'ma be a pioneer. I'll be the first black guy to freeze to death. It's gonna be cool. Yeah, I'm pumped up about it.

Violet Barnes:
Cool.

Doug:
Yeah. It's just like that song, y'know. I get knocked down, except I get up again in North Dakota, which is the worst place on Earth.

Tom Solomon:
How could you do this to me?

Winton Childs:
I haven't done anything to you, Violet did something to you; not me. If a woman wants to kiss me I'm going to f***ing kiss her. Underneath all that polite bullshit we're all running on caveman software. If she's got a husband, or a fianc?, or a boyfriend it's on her conscience, not mine.

Tom Solomon:
You should run.

Winton Childs:
Look Tom, this is ridiculous. Let's just put a stop to this now, please. Come on, I'm sorry. I really am.

Tom Solomon:
Winton, if you feel bad at all for what you did then you'll run from me.

Winton Childs:
Well, okay, I'll keep running. I'm off.

Alex Eilhauer:
I feel like I'm drinking out of Chewbacca's dick.

Tom Solomon:
Chef, I'm trying to propose to my future wife just right now. Literally right now.

Chef Sally:
Wow. Okay. Wow. Congratulations to both of you guys. Live long and prosper. No, that's weird, that's Star Trek.

George Barnes:
The first important thing to remember about marriage is that it requires commitment. The second important thing to remember about marriage is that so does insanity.

Tom Solomon:
I was not flirting, okay?

Alex Eilhauer:
Oh really?

Tom Solomon:
I was being friendly.

Alex Eilhauer:
Yeah, right. You were sending telepathic wiener missiles at her face. And you know it.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
This is your wedding. You only get a few of these.

Violet Barnes:
What is your crossbow doing on the kitchen table?

Tom Solomon:
A crossbow doesn't clean itself, you know.

Alex Eilhauer:
Seeing you chop onions is depressing. It's like watching Michael Jordan take a sh*t.

Violet Barnes:
He kissed me, Tom!

Tom Solomon:
K, you know what? That is a cop out. That is not fair. Yes, he may have been the one who kissed you. But there is a reason that he felt like that was an option. You know that's the truth.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should do what you feel is right.

Violet Barnes:
Well, I don't really know what I think is right. I think just, time will tell.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks time will tell.

Violet Barnes:
Could you mind not doing that because you're repeating what I'm saying.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Elmo thinks you should sh*t or get off the pot.

Violet Barnes:
[Impression of Cookie Monster] But me think that's a really rude thing to say, Elmo.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] But Elmo says it's been almost five years! Almost five years! You either love him or you don't!

Violet Barnes:
[Impression of Cookie Monster] Me love him but it's very complicated. Cookie doesn't get everything handed to him on a silver platter like Elmo.

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Cookie does a career he wanted. Tom moved to Michigan so Cookie could work okay? Elmo wanted to be a kinesiologist but instead, Elmo is cleaning puke off her shirt every day!

Violet Barnes:
[Impression of Cookie Monster] Well maybe as nice as little elmos are, Elmo should have considered using protection! C is for condom! That's good enough for me!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Elmo is very happy with Elmo's little elmos okay? Elmo would just like a break! Once in a while! Elmo never gets a break!

Violet Barnes:
[Impression of Cookie Monster] Fine! This is fine! But this is precisely why Cookie wants to take the time to consider if he's picked the right cookie for his life!

Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer:
[Impression of Elmo] Well maybe Elmo thinks there is no right cookie, you just pick one and take a bite!

Violet Barnes:
[softly] Alright.

Audrey:
Hi! I missed you today.

Tom Solomon:
That's nice. [pauses] Listen, I need to talk to you about something, Audrey.

Audrey:
What's behind those eyes, Tom?

Tom Solomon:
My ex-fiance has been on my mind a lot and I feel like that's something I need to explore.

Audrey:
Well, she's an old b*tch! There, I just explored it for you. Done?

Tom Solomon:
It's hard to have this conversation with you.

Audrey:
You need to explore it, Tom? You were with her for five f***ing years. That's a really long time. What else is there to learn about her? [yells]

Tom Solomon:
I don't really know the answer to that but I just think I need to find out.

Audrey:
What are you thinking? You're so stupid. You're so stupid! You're gonna leave me? You're gonna leave this for saggy tits and a loose vagina? Really? Oh God!

Tom Solomon:
I'm sorry to do this to you.

Audrey:
Shut the f*** up! You know what? You should just go, Tom. Just go! Go! Go have fun with your old woman. Go f***ing read at night together. You can go through menopause together and you can go get your little prostates checked. Check each other for lumps all the time and do those kinds of things together. Then go get some Crocs so your back doesn't hurt. And then you can go walk on the beach and f*** each other with your gross, wrinkly balls. [pauses] That's another thing. You're getting f***ing fat! It's really hard to have sex with someone when you can't breathe underneath them. Can't breathe! Like I feel like I'm going to die every time! [sighs] You should leave. I'm gonna say mean things.

Tom Solomon:
Goodbye.

Tom Solomon:
I think I understand why I have communication issues. Mom, maybe you should slow down on the Bloody Mary's. You don't need any more.

Carol Solomon:
Oh?

Pete Solomon:
Let her have it.

Carol Solomon:
You're going to tell me what to do? No. I am going to ask you again. What are you doing with Violet? You're being dumb! You are being so f***ing dumb, you idiot. You love Violet. I love Violet. Your father loves Violet and you're letting her go. F*** you, you dummy.

Tom Solomon:
Wow. [laughs] Since when do you talk like this?

Carol Solomon:
It's not funny, Tom.

Tom Solomon:
Okay, fine.

Carol Solomon:
What are you doing?

Tom Solomon:
We're not 100% right for each other so there's nothing to be said.

Carol Solomon:
I've got news for you, moron. Your father and I, we're not even 90% right for each other. Not even 60, but he's the love of my life. And right now the love of your life is going to fly away and somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking that she'll always be there if you want to try again. But you know what, she won't because she's the goddamn best. And some lucky guy is going to make it work with her no matter what instead of settling for some 23-year old airhead who probably doesn't know who the f***ing Beatles are.

Pete Solomon:
Had to be said.