The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show

Gracie Allen:
Well, you see one Christmas my father caught a wild turkey and he fed him corn and chestnuts. But then we didn't have the heart to kill him so we let him get away.

George Burns:
Oh, I see.

Gracie Allen:
But the turkey liked the food so well that he came back each year. And that way we always had...

George Burns:
A turkey for Christmas dinner?

Gracie Allen:
Yes.

George Burns:
Say "Good night," Gracie.

Gracie Allen:
Good night.

Gracie Allen:
I've been helping people for years and I've always been able to do the things I didn't know how to do just as well as the ones I did. Sometimes even better.

Harry Morton:
[to Blanche] Gracie has small feet to match the smallness of her intellect; you have rather large feet, and there the parallel ceases.

Gracie Allen:
You see, George, my mother and father were right. They always said that it takes two to make a quarrel, and nobody was better at it than they were!

Harry von Zell:
You wouldn't fire me three weeks before Christmas!

George Burns:
Oh no, no, no. You're entitled to two week's notice, so I'll fire you a week before Christmas.

Harry Morton:
Von Zell, how could you be such a dupe?

Harry von Zell:
I started as a dope and worked my way up.

Gracie Allen:
You know, there's one thing I don't understand. If eggs are so healthy, why are chickens so anxious to get rid of 'em?

Mr. Connors:
Mrs. Burns, according to a report I have, you had a slight accident in our store yesterday.

Gracie Allen:
Yes, Mr. Connors, I fell down.

Mr. Connors:
Well, we were wondering if you'd mind coming back in today.

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, thanks. Falling down once was enough for a while!

Gracie Allen:
[complimenting George after he sings] Oh, dear, when you sing, it sounds like a songbird has built a nest in your throat.

Harry von Zell:
I'm glad I'm single. I could never afford a dress like that for my wife.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, that's not true, Harry! You'll find when you get married that we wives can afford things our husbands haven't even got the money for!

Harry Morton:
Now personally, I'm looking forward to an escape from Gracie - even for a day - from her inane and feather-headed babbling.

Blanche Morton:
I resent those remarks about Gracie!

Harry Morton:
Do you deny them?

Blanche Morton:
I resent those remarks about Gracie!

Gracie Allen:
Now all I have to do is get Blanche to invite us to Oyster Bay.

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, then you weren't already invited?

Gracie Allen:
Well, yes and no.

Ronnie Burns:
Yes and no?

Gracie Allen:
Well, uh, yes, the Mortons are invited and no, we aren't. But yes, Blanche said she wished we were going and no, at that time it didn't matter to me. But yes, now I'll accept whether she says yes or no.

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, no!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes!

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
[Gracie invites herself to a party] I'd love have you but my house is just disorganized. It's the help, you know. My husband's terribly upset about it but you should understand how the domestic situation is these days, they come and they go.

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, let 'em go. You're still a nice looking woman, you can get another husband.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
I was referring to the butler. He's not very satisfactory.

Gracie Allen:
Well, maybe not as a husband. But since he's also a butler, at least he can help you with the housework.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
I am not married to my butler any more than I am married to my chauffeur or my gardener!

Gracie Allen:
Well, I don't care how many husbands left you, you're a charming woman and I'm sure you'll find happiness with somebody.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
But they didn't leave me! They're all at my house!

Gracie Allen:
Oh! Ohhh! Well, as long as three husbands are living there, no wonder it's disorganized!

Gracie Allen:
Now Pamela, this is the entrance hall, you see. And this is our stairway, and it either goes up or down - but from here it's better to go up.

Ronnie Burns:
Sometimes I wish mother weren't so hard to understand.

Pamela Crawford:
[Gracie tells an outrageous lie] I understand perfectly.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, good! Then you remember because if I have to explain it later, I'll need your help.

George Burns:
It's autumn and the leaves change colors and so does Ronnie - he goes from blondes to brunettes to redheads.

Blanche Morton:
Gracie, everybody that meets you loves you! I don't see why you're so nervous and excited. I'm sure you'll make a good impression on Lady Crawford.

Harry Morton:
Perhaps. But what about George?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I must have made a good impression on George or he never would have married me!

Harry Morton:
This cultured noblewoman will surely want to speak of art and literature, and George contributes nothing to any intelligent conversation but cigar smoke!

Harry Von Zell:
You know, Gracie, I'm really looking forward to your anniversary dinner tonight. Just think, you and George have been married twenty-six years.

Gracie Allen:
Yes - and it only seems like yesterday that my mother tripped him, as he walked down the isle.

Harry Von Zell:
I bet your family didn't approve.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes! In fact, they applauded her when she did it.

Gracie Allen:
Did you know that jealousy has broken up more homes than marriage?

Gracie Allen:
I'll be right back.

George Burns:
Gracie, where are you going?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I, um - I just remembered I left the stove in the kitchen.

Blanche Morton:
Harry Morton, the day I married you was the worst day of my life!

Harry Morton:
I can't choose mine. Since we wed they've all been equally bitter.

Blanche Morton:
[Harry is busy with paperwork] Harry, this is the traveling clock I got for George and Gracie for their anniversary. Isn't it pretty the way I wrapped it?

Harry Morton:
Yes, dear.

Blanche Morton:
Gee, I hope they like it. You know, they have so much, I never know what to get them. Can you think of anything else?

Harry Morton:
Yes, dear.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, what would you suggest?

Harry Morton:
Yes, dear.

Blanche Morton:
Harry, is it alright if I pack my clothes and run away with the elevator boy?

Harry Morton:
Yes, dear.

Blanche Morton:
Maybe he IS listening. Harry, is it alright if I draw all your money out of the bank before I leave?

Harry Morton:
Yes, dear.

Blanche Morton:
No, he's not listening.

Gracie Allen:
Is there anything you want me to say to your Aunt Hazel?

Ronnie Burns:
Who?

Gracie Allen:
Your Aunt Hazel. Your aunt, my sister, Bessie's sister, Pearl's sister, my mother's daughter and my father's, and your Uncle Fred's wife... I wonder how Hazel finds time to do all those things.

Gracie Allen:
How long does it take for a birthday cake to fly to San Francisco?

George Burns:
Well, that's a normal, everyday question, so I'll give you a normal, everyday answer. What are you talking about?

Gracie Allen:
Well, tomorrow's my sister Hazel's birthday and I mailed her a cake this afternoon. I hope she gets it in time.

George Burns:
Hope you didn't light the candles.

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, please! There weren't even any candles on the cake. You know Hazel, how she's always trying to hide her age. With all those candles it would remind her of it.

George Burns:
So what did you do?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I helped her. I baked the candles inside the cake.

Gracie Allen:
I saw this man trying to tie a package, so I said, "Can I help you?" And he said, "Oh, I wish you would. I've been working on this knot so long my tongue is hanging out. Would you put your finger on it for me?"

George Burns:
Gracie, you didn't!

Gracie Allen:
No.

George Burns:
Good.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I couldn't. When I tried, he wouldn't even open his mouth!

Gracie Allen:
[Gracie plans to open a dress shop] You see, my husband is putting up the money, but nobody must know about it.

Gaston Broussard:
Not even me?

Gracie Allen:
Not even him!

Blanche Morton:
Gracie means her husband is a silent partner.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, you see, the less he knows, the more silent he'll be!

Harry von Zell:
Well, I imagine the reason that Harry won't buy Mrs. Morton a car is it's income tax time. He's probably got a problem.

Gracie Allen:
[scoffs] Oh, problem. My brother Willie's got a problem. He has to pay twelve-hundred dollars tax, and he hasn't worked all year.

Harry von Zell:
Then how could that be possible?

Gracie Allen:
Well, he didn't know how to make out his tax, so he went down to the tax bureau, and he stood in line, and he copied from the man in front of him.

[last lines]

George Burns:
[turning to the audience] You know, if this show had ended four lines sooner, I'd have saved fifteen-hundred dollars.

Blanche Morton:
You don't realize how terrible it is to have a husband who despises all your relatives.

Gracie Allen:
Yes, I know I'm lucky. Now, with my husband it's just the opposite.

Blanche Morton:
If there's one thing I love it's a man with a dry sense of humor. It's too bad yours is all wet.

Gracie Allen:
You know, I like round tables better than square ones. When you bump into them the corners aren't as sharp.

George Burns:
[Gracie is on the phone with Blanche] Gracie, can't you talk to Blanche in our bedroom?

Gracie Allen:
No, she's not in our bedroom. If she were she wouldn't call me on the phone, she'd just stick her head out.

The Man in Jail:
Hey, bud! What are you in for?

George Burns:
Stupidity.

Harry von Zell:
It's a big thrill for Julie, she's just been dying to meet the star of the Carnation television show!

George Burns:
Why, thank you.

Harry von Zell:
You know, George is her husband.

[Gracie has wrapped George's Christmas present]

Harry Morton:
What is it, Gracie?

Gracie Allen:
Guess.

Harry Morton:
It could be anything.

Gracie Allen:
That's what it is. Oh, and George has wanted one for a long time!

Harry Morton:
Oh Gracie, I've been looking for you all over! I've got Blanche's Christmas presents here, will you hide them for me?

Gracie Allen:
What is it?

Harry Morton:
I got her a red alligator bag and and shoes to match.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it's lovely, Harry! But I always thought alligators were brown.

Harry Morton:
It's dyed.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, I hope it has if they made a bag and shoes out of it.

Jill Kelly:
Tell us a story, Aunt Gracie!

Gracie Allen:
Well, alright. I know a lot of stories that I used to know when I was a little girl. Now, which one do you want to hear?

Jill Kelly:
Dickens' Christmas Carol.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes. Isn't that the one that starts, "Once upon a time," and it ends with, "and they lived happily ever after?"

George Burns:
Yeah, I think that's the one, yes.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah... Now if I could just remember that part in between.

Gracie Allen:
Once upon a time, on a beautiful Christmas morning, Scrooge and Bob Cratchit and Tiny Tim went for a walk in the woods while their breakfast was cooling. So, while they were gone, a dear little girl came and knocked on the door. And naturally, nobody answered so she went inside to see who it was, and...

George Burns:
Gracie, that's not the way I heard it.

Gracie Allen:
Who told it to you?

George Burns:
My mother.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Well, this is by Dickens... So, this little girl saw the breakfast cooling and she decided to taste it. So she tried the first bowl and it was too hot, and she tried the second bowl and it was too cold, and she tried the third bowl and it was just right and she ate it all up!

George Burns:
That was Goldilocks.

Gracie Allen:
No, it was porridge... Well anyway, this poor little girl had two rich step-sisters and then along came Prince Charming with a glass slipper, so he tried it on the first step-sister and it was too hot, and he tried it on the second step-sister and it was too cold, and he tried it on the poor little girl and it just fit! And she married him and guess who got all the money?

George Burns:
Walt Disney.

Gracie Allen:
Mamie, do you know it was love at first sight? Well, when I saw George walk out on the stage, I said, "There's the man I'm going to marry." Oh, something hit me!

Mamie Kelly:
Really?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, it was my mother.

Gracie Allen:
The thing was, my mother thought that I was too young to marry George.

Mamie Kelly:
Is there much difference between you and George?

Gracie Allen:
Well sure, he's a man, you know.

Mamie Kelly:
No, I mean is there much difference between your ages?

Gracie Allen:
Well, there is now but there wasn't any when we got married.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, you'll love George! Of course I admit that I did fidget a little when he first started beating me.

Mimi:
He beats you?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, oh but you won't mind it. With your beautiful complexion, black-and-blue marks will look stunning!

Blanche Morton:
Would you suspect George Burns of chasing strange women?

Harry Morton:
Chasing them? He caught one and married her!

Gracie Allen:
Harry, Mimi won't believe me when I tell her, so you tell her.

Harry von Zell:
Tell her what?

Gracie Allen:
Well, tell her it's true.

Harry von Zell:
It's true.

Gracie Allen:
Ah, you see?

Harry von Zell:
Well, what's true?

Gracie Allen:
What I just told Mimi.

Harry von Zell:
Well, tell me.

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, Harry! You'd never believe it.

Mimi:
Gracie's been telling me that her husband beats her.

Harry von Zell:
Well, uh, George does have his faults, Miss Watson but, um, in between beatings he's really very tender.

Gracie Allen:
I believe in being absolutely sincere whether I mean it or not.

Ronnie Burns:
Dad, I'm afraid you'll never appreciate our point of view because to you life has always been fun.

Jim Boardman:
And it's not true, Mr. Burns. Life is a series of grim realities. My play will show that life is dull and dreary and monotonous and tiresome and drab.

George Burns:
If you write the way you talk, you got a hit.

Jim Boardman:
Mrs. Burns, your wig might not fit my head. Is it alright if I stretch it?

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, your head's a nice shape! If anything, I'd stretch the wig.

Blanche Morton:
You never know what to expect from Gracie.

Harry Morton:
Yes, that's the only way she resembles other women.

George Burns:
[George is dressed as a swami] I'd better be careful with this cigar. I can just see the headline, "Beard Lights Up and George Burns." This may not be too funny now, but when we did it twenty years ago it was pathetic!

Gracie Allen:
I always say if you have something to say, it's better to come right out and say it instead of waiting to say it until you've forgotten what you have to say, so I'll come right to the point... or have I passed it?

Gracie Allen:
He's a wonderful husband and I've been married to him for years - and the only regret I've ever had is that I'm not a man so I could get to know him better!

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, you're always laughing at George and, believe me, if he was your husband you'd find nothing to laugh about!

Gracie Allen:
You know, some people may dislike George but I want you all to remember one thing. For every five people who don't like George there are fifty who don't even know him, and you can all put that in your hat and smoke it!

Gracie Allen:
Well, then we visited the Metropolitan Museum and the guide showed us the skeleton of this tremendous animal, and he said the bones of this dinosaur were dug up recently in Siberia and it's believed to be the biggest animal that ever lived. So I said, "Well, it couldn't have been the BIGGEST animal. What about the one who buried the bones?"

Gracie Allen:
First we went to Grant's Tomb and then to The Lincoln Tunnel, and I said it was nothing but favoritism.

George Burns:
Favoritism?

Gracie Allen:
Well, yes. I said, "If they could bury Grant in a tomb, they certainly could have found a better spot for Lincoln."

George Burns:
Well, look at where they put poor Washington, under a bridge.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's gratitude for you.

Gracie Allen:
The last place we visited was The Statue of Liberty and, George, did you know that there were steps inside and you could climb right up through the body?

George Burns:
Sure, I knew that.

Gracie Allen:
Well, so I went right up to the top and it was kinda drafty up there and I sneezed and... I had the funniest sensation.

George Burns:
Well, what was so funny about it?

Gracie Allen:
Well, it was the first time I ever caught cold in somebody else's head.

George Burns:
I'm a pretty good businessman. A few years ago they wanted me to invest some money in a Broadway show, but I knew a western didn't have a chance on Broadway so I turned it down. They went right ahead and they did "Oklahoma" without me.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.

Harry Morton:
Well you should be. You should be sorry, failing at a task that wouldn't tax the mentality of a maladjusted amoeba!

Blanche Morton:
Maladjusted amoeba! You and your two-dollar words! You know, if you'd cash a few of them, we might be able to buy a pound of hamburger!

Harry Morton:
There's never a shortage of hamburger in this house, you serve it at least four times a week.

George Burns:
[monologue] Skiing is the only sport endorsed by the American Medical Association.

George Burns:
[monologue] Sports can be overdone, too, you know. A friend of mine was crazy about fishing. Every spare moment he had, he went out fishing. Finally, his wife told him - either he gives up fishing or she's gonna leave him. Now, when he speaks about the big one that got away - he means his wife.

George Burns:
My idea of roughing it is playing Bridge in a room with the window open.

George Burns:
I like fresh air, but I like it a warm apartment, not running loose.

Blanche Morton:
I think it's wonderful the way you and Jim share things together.

Mr. Boardman:
Yes, I've always believed in a strong father and son relationship.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, so have I! In fact, if a son and father weren't related to each other, they wouldn't even be in the same family!

Blanche Morton:
Anyhow, I admire what you've done with Jim.

Mr. Boardman:
Well, I felt it was my duty to share his experiences. Of course, I wasn't always able to keep him out of mischief. You know, boys will be boys.

Gracie Allen:
Well, when they're young it's the nicest thing they could be.

Mr. Boardman:
When he joined the Boy Scouts, I became Scoutmaster to the troupe in which he belonged. Oh, I shared many happy moments with Jim and the other lads.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it must have been fun!

Mr. Boardman:
Yes, it was. I taught them how to build campfires, how to boil meat on a stick and how to bake potatoes in their skins.

Gracie Allen:
I hope it was a big campfire.

Mr. Boardman:
Why?

Gracie Allen:
Well, otherwise the boys might have caught cold, sitting around with nothing on, waiting for the meat and potatoes to be cooked.

Mr. Boardman:
No, I meant they were in their jackets.

Gracie Allen:
Well, they could have caught cold from here down too, you know!

Blanche Morton:
Oh no, no, honey, the baked potatoes were in their jackets.

Gracie Allen:
Well, alright, that kept their jackets warm, but from here down they were still in trouble!

Mr. Boardman:
Mrs. Burns, the jackets were on the potatoes.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Then the boys were cold from here up too. What kind of a Scoutmaster were you?

Blanche Morton:
Mr. Boardman's a wonderful father! Gee, George should be more like him. He should do more things with his son and be closer to him.

Gracie Allen:
Why should George do things with Mr. Boardman's son? He's got a son of his own to be close to!

George Burns:
Ronnie, haven't you noticed that marriage is a series of compromises?

Ronnie Burns:
Yes, Dad, and you make them beautifully.

Blanche Morton:
[Reading newspaper] Oh, isn't that awful? Look what happened last night. "Grandmother Holds Up Bank President."

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it certainly is. Wouldn't you think a man with all that responsibility would stay sober?

Gracie Allen:
Are the lambchops good today?

Peter the Waiter:
The lambchops are excellent, so is the leg of lamb. I'd say there was no difference between them.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I wouldn't, and I'm surprised at you for saying so.

Peter the Waiter:
I beg your pardon.

Gracie Allen:
The chops are on the inside of the lamb and the legs are on the outside. If you were a lamb, you certainly wouldn't walk around on your chops!

George Burns:
Gracie told me you were looking for me.

Blanche Morton:
Go ahead, Harry. Tell him what we think of him.

Harry Morton:
No, Blanche, you'd better tell him. I have trouble getting through to him. Once I told him he was abominable and he shook my hand and thanked me for the compliment.

Gracie Allen:
Mr. Vanderlip said you were a music critic. Now just what do you do?

Mrs. Quigley:
Well, the newspaper usually gets me two seats for all the musical events and I go and cover them.

Gracie Allen:
Oh? Oh, you're just being sensitive. You may be a little larger than most women, but you couldn't cover more than one seat.

Telephone Operator:
[Gracie places a telephone call to her mother] Is this a person-to-person call?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I am as far as I know - and I'm sure my mother is!

Telephone Operator:
I mean, will you speak to anyone else at that number?

Gracie Allen:
Well that depends. Who else is there?

Telephone Operator:
I mean, will you speak to anyone who answers?

Gracie Allen:
Well why shouldn't I speak to them? They're my family, we get along fine!

Telephone Operator:
But you do wish to speak to your mother first?

Gracie Allen:
No, she can speak to me first if she wants to.

Gracie Allen:
I think every boy should have a chance to finish college. He'll remember all those wonderful things he learned there long after he's forgotten them!

George Burns:
Gracie, can I have my lunch? I got a lot of work to do this afternoon.

Gracie Allen:
Lunch? Lunch! A boy's future is at stake and all you think of is lunch! Can't you get your mind out of your stomach?

George Burns:
If it was in there, I wouldn't be hungry.

Gracie Allen:
You know, sometimes, George Burns, I don't understand you at all!

George Burns:
Sometimes I can say the same thing.

Gracie Allen:
Well, if you can't even understand yourself, you're worse off than I thought!

Ronnie Burns:
[Brian's been in college for 9 years] I guess you've had every course at S.C.

Brian McAfee:
You name it, I've flunked it.

Ronnie Burns:
You're exaggerating.

Brian McAfee:
No, I'm just naturally stupid. I think it must be my height, I figure it takes too long for the blood to get up to my brain.

Brian McAfee:
Triggernometry! I never shoulda taken that course. It's all Greek to me.

Ronnie Burns:
Maybe you should've taken Greek.

Brian McAfee:
I took Greek onced. It was all triggernometry to me.

Blanche Morton:
[Harry Von Zell has laryngitis] You know something, Harry, you don't need a doctor. Why don't you go home and drink a glass of warm milk after a hot bath?

Gracie Allen:
Oh look, she means alright, Harry, but after you drink a hot bath you wouldn't have any room for the milk.

Mrs. Myers:
Mrs. Burns invited me to bring little Albert over so he could take a picture of Mr. Burns.

Harry von Zell:
A picture?

Mrs. Myers:
Well it's for his school paper. The boy who brings in the most interesting picture of the week wins a prize.

Al Myers:
Last week my friend Charlie won it with a picture of a rat!

Harry von Zell:
Well there's no reason why that shouldn't win two weeks in a row.

Mrs. Johnson:
Shall I wash the curtains in the bedroom?

Gracie Allen:
No, in the laundry. We haven't got a washing machine in the bedroom.

George Burns:
Have you been hitting that blackberry cordial?

Harry Morton:
Certainly not! I speak this way because I'm filled with antipathy!

George Burns:
That must be stronger than the other stuff.

Gracie Allen:
I remember one Sunday my sister Hazel went to the beach, and she took along her two boys, Albert and Ed. Well, we buried Albert in the sand and then Ed would go in the water, and then we'd bury Ed and Albert would go in the water, and then we'd bury Albert and Ed would go in the water. Well, that went on all day.

George Burns:
What was the idea?

Gracie Allen:
They only had one bathing suit.

George Burns:
I see what you mean.

Gracie Allen:
And you know, one time we buried Albert and forgot where we buried him and Ed was arrested!

George Burns:
Why?

Gracie Allen:
Well, Albert was wearing the bathing suit.

Gracie Allen:
The world lost a great man when he was born.

George Burns:
The world lost a great man when he... I pass that line, I wouldn't touch it for a million dollars!

The Cop:
We've had complaints about a large dog that's been disturbing your neighbors, barking and chasing people, damaging property, they say it even ruined a flower bed, and it belongs to you. Is that true?

Gracie Allen:
Well, partly. All these flower beds belong to me, but they haven't been ruined and they certainly haven't been barking and chasing people.

George Burns:
This is a very gentle animal. Did you try to pat him on the head?

Harry Morton:
Just before he pounced on me!

George Burns:
Well that'll do it. Never pat a strange dog on the head! You see, put your hand down below his eyes, show him that it's empty, and then he'll know that you're not gonna hurt him.

Harry von Zell:
That's right. Then when that hand's gone, you can show him the other one!

[first lines]

Gracie Allen:
[finishing breakfast at the kitchen table] Did you enjoy your breakfast?

George Burns:
Delicious.

Gracie Allen:
Would you like some more eggs, Dear?

George Burns:
[extending his cup to Gracie] No, thanks. How about some coffee?

Gracie Allen:
[peering into George's cup] Oh, thanks - but you hardly have enough for yourself.

[last lines]

George Burns:
Why should 'Dragnet' be the only show that has suspense?

Harry Morton:
Those near and dear to me may always count upon my support. For instance, only yesterday you committed a crime and I protected you.

Blanche Morton:
I committed a crime?

Harry Morton:
That roast you prepared for our dinner was a crime in every sense of the word, but I ate it and destroyed the evidence.

[first lines]

Gracie Allen:
[singing while ironing] If you would like to see - the height of hospitality - the cream of kindly welcome - and the core of cordiality - joys of the olden times...

George Burns:
Oh, the fellas in San Quintin, they love him, I guess?

Gracie Allen:
Yes. Do you know that he figured out a way where they could break rocks without working?

George Burns:
What was his plan?

Gracie Allen:
Well, um, you wrap the rocks in packages, mark them 'Fragile' and send them through the mail.

June Higgins:
I've been married to Jim Higgins for twenty-five years and we've been very happy. Now it may end.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, that's nonsense! George and I have been married twenty-five years and, believe me, our happiness hasn't even started!

Harry Morton:
I bet if Gracie were married to a man like me, she wouldn't do anything silly.

Blanche Morton:
Well honey, after she married you, nothing she did would seem silly!

[Blanche gave Joe some books in exchange for mowing the lawn]

Gracie Allen:
What are those?

Joe Hardy:
Oh, those are encyclopedias. I got them for cutting grass.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, you should take 'em back and make them give you a lawnmower!

Gracie Allen:
You know, people are so silly! They're always complaining about the shape the world's in and I think round is a nice shape!

[Gracie looks in a book and plans a world trip]

Gracie Allen:
Oh, here's Italy! Oh, we'll have a wonderful time listening to the beautiful music while we're riding in one of those Gorgonzolas on the canals of Venice.

George Burns:
Gorgonzola is a cheese.

Gracie Allen:
Well, what do you care as long as it doesn't leak?

Blanche Morton:
I just remembered, I have a cake burning in the oven.

[Blanche runs home]

Gracie Allen:
Well, what's she so excited about? That's where I burn mine too.

Blanche Morton:
Harry, you remember I told you that a man cut our grass this morning? Well, he's over at Gracie's now, and she thinks he's Mr. Graham, the business manager.

Harry Morton:
After the man has been there a while, he'll believe it himself.

Harry Morton:
I'm a patient man but this is too much to ask.

Blanche Morton:
I don't know about you being a man but if you don't do this for me you'll be a patient!

Gracie Allen:
I always tell you everything.

George Burns:
What about last week, when you spent twenty-five dollars for a new hat? First you told me you found it on a bus, then you told me you made it out of an old feather-duster, then you said you were passing The May Company and it blew out and landed on your head!

Gracie Allen:
I did?

George Burns:
Yeah, you did. So you see, you don't tell me everything.

Gracie Allen:
It was everything I could think of at the time!

Harry Morton:
Well, Gracie, this is quite a surprise. Eight o'clock, isn't that a bit early?

Gracie Allen:
Well no, it's no surprise. Eight o'clock is always early - unless it's at night, and then it's late.

Harry Morton:
Blanche, will I be rude if I inquire about my breakfast?

Blanche Morton:
Not at all. What would you like to know?

Jean Parnell:
I've been an exchange teacher here for almost a year, but I guess I can't hide my Canadian ancestry.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, that must be very interesting! How does this exchange business work?

Jean Parnell:
It's a very good plan. While I'm here teaching French to American students, one of your teachers is up taking my place with my French-Canadian children.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that sounds like a nice change for your French-Canadian children, but how does your wife like it?

Jean Parnell:
What?

Gracie Allen:
Well, just when your family gets used to this other man, why, you'll be back!

Blanche Morton:
What's wrong with my figure?

Harry Morton:
I don't want to give you a hasty answer, Blanche. May I have an hour to assemble my notes?

Blanche Morton:
Do you remember the quarrel we got into before we were married?

Harry Morton:
Mmm-hmm. When will it ever end?

Gracie Allen:
One time my uncle ran away at 9 to join the circus.

George Burns:
At 9?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, but he missed his wife and children so much that at 9:30 he was home again.

Harry von Zell:
It's funny, I've never heard you mention her before. Is she an old friend of yours?

Gracie Allen:
No, she's younger than I am, but I like her in spite of it.

Harry Morton:
Gracie, have you seen my wife?

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's a silly question. I see her every day - she lives next door!

Harry Morton:
Gracie, will you tell Blanche to come home and fix my eggs?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, well, I'll tell her but it won't pay to fix them. Once they're broken, it's cheaper to buy new ones.

Gracie Allen:
[on telephone] Hello, information? Tell me, if a girl marries a sailor, where's a nice place for them to go on their honeymoon?

Mrs. Nelson:
Oh, because of you, Carol and her husband will be happy for the rest of their lives!

Gracie Allen:
Well, I just hope they live that long so they can enjoy it!

Gracie Allen:
You know, as Benjamin Franklin said, "A scientist shouldn't change his mind in the middle of the stream".

Blanche Morton:
[incredulous] Benjamin Franklin said that?

Gracie Allen:
No, I said it, but I gave him the credit - he hasn't said much, lately.

[first lines]

Blanche Morton:
Well, you're right, Gracie. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I've had that same dream five nights in a row.

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, Blanche, you know dreams *can* be disturbing. I had a dream once that I went to a party with nothing on but a hat. Oh, it was awful.

Blanche Morton:
I can imagine!

Gracie Allen:
Well sure. There was another woman there wearing the same hat.

Harry Morton:
You know, Gracie, speaking with you is quite an experience. It's like shaking hands with an empty glove.

George Burns:
You know, it's a shame to do a story as great as this just for one night on television. All I gotta do is add a little music, take it to Broadway and with the right handling and the right publicity, I got myself a real flop.

George Burns:
Here's one thing parents can't figure out. Why do their children hate school? We parents have loved it ever since our kids were old enough to go to it.

Harry Morton:
My sympathetic nature once led me to become involved with a girl who was not too attractive to the opposite sex and the results were disastrous.

Blanche Morton:
Really? What happened?

Harry Morton:
I married you.

George Burns:
[Gracie discusses each of her aunt's nine husbands] Who was number eight?

Gracie Allen:
A doctor, Uncle Leo. Oh, a fine man and very successful.

George Burns:
Oh, finally picked a good one, huh?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, and they were very happy for several days.

George Burns:
Then what happened?

Gracie Allen:
Well, then he began coming home every night and telling her everything his patients had told him that day, and it made her very nervous and so she left him.

George Burns:
Because his patients talked to him?

Gracie Allen:
He was a tree surgeon.

George Burns:
Um, who came after Uncle Leo?

Gracie Allen:
A couple men in white coats.

[first lines]

George Burns:
[looking into the bag of groceries that Gracie brought home] Hey, you did a lot of shopping. What'd you buy?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, some potatoes, and peas, and a bottle of bourbon, some corn...

George Burns:
Bottle of bourbon?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, I'm fixing stewed chicken for dinner tonight.

Blanche Morton:
Gracie, doesn't George have to have those bonds by tonight? And isn't Mark Plumb coming by to pick them up? And if he doesn't pick them up, isn't George going to lose a lot of money? And what is George gonna say about this?

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, whose friend are you?

Blanche Morton:
Yours.

Gracie Allen:
Well then, stop thinking of questions for George and think of a few answers for me!

[opening narration]

Harry von Zell:
Last week Gracie was hypnotized into being the smartest woman in the world. This is the result.

Blanche Morton:
I was going to phone you and ask you to go shopping with me but I thought I better check first and see if your line was busy.

Gracie Allen:
No, it's not, Blanche, so call me as soon as you get home.

Blanche Morton:
I certainly will. And if my line is busy, you call me.

Gracie Allen:
Or vice-versa.

Clara Bagley:
Gracie, when your father fell on his head, what was he doing up in a tree?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well that's because he was nearsighted. You see, there was a woodpecker tapping up in the tree but my father didn't realize that so he climbed up to see who was knocking on the door. Why did you ask?

Clara Bagley:
I-I-I... I don't know!

Gracie Allen:
I'm awfully sorry, but my husband, this gentleman who's going to sleep in the guest room and cook his own meals from now on, is very, very stubborn.

George Burns:
You always said I was a great judge of talent!

Harry von Zell:
Well George, you are. My gosh, only a stupid man would say that you aren't a great judge of talent, and you certainly never have been one. I, uh, don't mean that you've never been a great judge of talent, I mean a stupid man, because you certainly are one. A great judge of talent, that is. Well, if I wasn't a stupid man, I couldn't say this. I mean, if I - if I wasn't a - uh, uh... Well, don't stand there, get me out of this!

George Burns:
[monologue] Once I played with a magician, the Amazing Alberto. He had a beautiful wife. Now, he wouldn't go on the stage, unless his wife was sitting in the front row. I asked him when the superstition started. He said, "About eight years ago, when I caught her kissing the electrician backstage".

George Burns:
[monologue] I've gotta get to Palm Springs. My writers are waiting for me. They've been down there for a week, and so far all they've written is my name on the bottom of all the restaurant checks. Those five guys need me - I'm the only one who can type.

Gracie Allen:
You know, wouldn't you think that they would invent cars with the fenders already dented so if you happen to hit something it would straighten themselves out?

Gracie Allen:
You've got to hold onto what you've got, like my Uncle Frank did. Now how about the time his cow was on the railroad track and the train was coming, and there was no time to get the cow off the track - did he give up? No, he sat right down and milked her for the last time.

George Burns:
Well, that was holding onto what he had.

Gracie Allen:
Well, of course! It wasn't his fault the train knocked her right out of his hands!

George Burns:
Was Uncle Frank badly hurt?

Gracie Allen:
Well, who knows? They buried him without finding out.

Harry von Zell:
[worried that George may try to kill himself] What a terrible situation. Look, Gracie, you've got to hide all the knives in the house - anything he can use as a weapon.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes.

Harry von Zell:
But first, you better get his razor.

Gracie Allen:
[scoffing] Oh, Harry. If he's gonna kill himself, why would he bother shaving?

George Burns:
Say, Blanche, I found out about Gracie and Harry, and I'm going over to kill him.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, well, George, could you wait a little while? He's doing the dishes.

George Burns:
I guess kleptomaniacs run in your family?

Gracie Allen:
They have to.

Dr. Wilbern:
[Gracie fakes amnesia and confuses the doctor] Let me try and follow this. Now, you came here today because you have a friend who has a brother you're trying to help, and this friend has amnesia.

Gracie Allen:
No.

Dr. Wilbern:
Then who has got the amnesia?

Gracie Allen:
You must have it.

Dr. Wilbern:
I do?

Gracie Allen:
Otherwise you'd remember I'M the one who has it.

Dr. Wilbern:
Mrs. Burns, have you ever had any falls or minor head injuries that you can remember?

Gracie Allen:
Well, no, no... I remember when I was a baby my nurse used to drop me a lot.

Dr. Wilbern:
I see. And did your parents do anything about this?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, sure! They hired a shorter nurse.

Dr. Wilbern:
[Gracie fakes amnesia] Do you remember anything else about your childhood?

Gracie Allen:
No, no, I don't remember anything. I can't remember that I was born in San Francisco, I don't remember my mother or Hazel or Bessie or Pearl...

Dr. Wilbern:
And they were sisters?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, but I don't remember whose!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Hazel hasn't been very well. Her feet are killing her so she's gonna have glasses fitted.

George Burns:
She's gonna have glasses fitted because her feet are killing her?

Gracie Allen:
Sure! She couldn't see where she parked the car and she had to walk five miles to get home!

George Burns:
Well, if her eyes are that bad, how can she see where she's driving?

Gracie Allen:
She doesn't have to. She only drives on streets she's familiar with.

Gracie Allen:
Hazel says she's going to an octopus to see if she needs glasses.

George Burns:
She means an oculist.

Gracie Allen:
No. First she'll look at an octopus, and if she doesn't see eight legs, then she'll got to an oculist.

Gracie Allen:
You know, Hazel's eyes have always been bad. The last time I was home she wasted hours sitting in front of her washing machine.

George Burns:
Why did she do that?

Gracie Allen:
Well, there were two suits of long underwear inside and she thought they were wrestlers on television.

Gracie Allen:
Hazel's on a vacation now. She went to one of those islands in the West Indies.

George Burns:
Jamaica?

Gracie Allen:
No, I didn't make her. She wanted to go!

George Burns:
Would you mind repeating that?

Gracie Allen:
Hazel's on a vacation now, and she went to one of those islands in the West Indies.

George Burns:
Cuba?

Gracie Allen:
I didn't make her. She wanted to go!

Mrs. Adams:
I'm a divorcee, but I'm willing to try again.

Gracie Allen:
What happened the first time?

Mrs. Adams:
Well, it was just one of those things. We had a beautiful home, car. I wanted to have a baby, but he wanted to call it off.

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, it's lucky you left him. If he wanted to call the first baby Off, imagine what he'd name the second!

Harry von Zell:
Mrs. Morton, Gracie tells me you're going to New York.

Blanche Morton:
Yeah, uh huh.

Harry von Zell:
Is it a pleasure trip?

Blanche Morton:
Oh, no, no. We're taking our husbands.

[last lines]

George Burns:
[speaking to the audience] Isn't this a sad ending?

Blanche Morton:
[preparing to bite into a spread slice of bread] Gracie, are you sure this is crabapple jelly?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, sure - I used the best crabs and the best apples I could get.

George Burns:
Gracie, look we're getting nowhere with this argument. You think I'm wrong, I think you're wrong. Isn't there some way we can agree?

Gracie Allen:
There are two ways. We can both think I'm right or we can both think you're wrong!

George Burns:
You should give her a piece of your mind.

Harry Morton:
I most assuredly will. The brazen arrogance she displayed when she usurped my authority will not go unrebuked!

George Burns:
Don't give her that piece, it sounds like it might be valuable.

Blanche Morton:
The last time Harry took me to a night club, they wouldn't serve Gloria Swanson because she was underage!

George Burns:
[monologue] I still can't get over Gracie being on the jury. Now I know why Justice has that bandage around her eyes - she doesn't want to see what's going on.

Gracie Allen:
[interrupting examination of the defendant, while she sits in the jury box] Your Honor, I don't see why we waste so much time. Anyone can see this man is innocent, and that hat sale is going to be over at two o'clock.

Judge Strickland:
[angrily waving his finger from the bench] Mrs. Burns, I may hold you in contempt!

Gracie Allen:
[indignantly] Nobody holds me anyplace - I happen to be married!

George Burns:
Well, in about fifteen minutes, Gracie should be home and things will be back to abnormal again.

Blanche Morton:
Honey, you must have misunderstood the man on the train. Now if this Mr. Lindstrom intended murdering his wife, he isn't going to tell a stranger.

Gracie Allen:
But I'm not a stranger, you've known me for years and he told me!

Detective Sawyer:
Mrs. Burns, you say that this man on the train told you he was going to kill his wife. Let's start at the beginning.

Gracie Allen:
Alright. Uh, I was born in San Francisco and my mother and father...

Detective Sawyer:
Hold it! Hold it! That's not the beginning I meant.

Gracie Allen:
Well that's the only beginning I ever had!

Gracie Allen:
Well I remember people I saw when I was only four years old.

Detective Sawyer:
So you've got a good memory for faces then?

Gracie Allen:
Of course I have. When I was for years old I was too short to see their faces but I remember their knees!

Detective Sawyer:
Mrs. Burns, exactly where were you when the man told you that he was going to kill his wife?

Gracie Allen:
You mean when he started to tell me or when he finished?

Detective Sawyer:
What difference does it make?

Gracie Allen:
Ten miles, the train was going very fast!

Harry von Zell:
What are they in jail for?

Gracie Allen:
Well, they locked up Harry on suspicion of murder, and then they locked up George so I guess he suspects Harry too.

Harry von Zell:
Is George getting a lawyer?

Gracie Allen:
He doesn't need one, he's already in jail.

Harry Morton:
I happen to like George's voice.

Blanche Morton:
A frog makes the same noise, and you can eat its hind legs!

George Burns:
You know, Blanche Morton is played by Bea Benaderet, and as Blanche Morton she's not supposed to like me, but off the stage as Bea Benaderet... she doesn't like me at all!

Bill Goodwin:
[Gracie prepares to paint a portrait of George] I have a wonderful idea, Gracie. Why don't you paint him in the nude?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I should say not! I'm gonna wear a smock.

George Burns:
[to audience] Gracie and I will be back again in two weeks - and you were just charming. Now Gracie, what do you think of television?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I think it's wonderful! You know, I hardly ever watch radio anymore.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I guess I'll be going, Harry. I'm sorry Blanche wasn't here. You know, when I phoned her this morning she said there was a salesman at the door with a bald head and I was dying to find out if she bought one!

Harry Morton:
Officer, what seems to be the trouble?

Motorcycle Cop:
She went through a 20 mile zone at 30 miles an hour.

Gracie Allen:
So what? Yesterday, I went through that same zone at 10 miles an hour, so it owed me 10!

Gracie Allen:
George?

George Burns:
Yeah?

Gracie Allen:
Say, tonight after our show can we go see a picture?

George Burns:
Sure. Would you like to see the 'Death of a Salesman' with Fredric March?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I'd rather go with you, but if you're busy, I'll go with him.

Harry Morton:
What are you looking for?

Blanche Morton:
Gracie's diamond ring is missing.

Harry Morton:
That isn't all of Gracie's that's missing.

[Harry raids the Burns' refrigerator]

Blanche Morton:
Harry, did it ever occur to you that Gracie might be planning to serve those cold cuts for dinner?

Harry Morton:
Don't be silly, she's got a big ham.

Blanche Morton:
I know, that's who she's planning to serve them to.

Blanche Morton:
You know, with this diet you're supposed to do bending exercises and drink lots of water.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, well, I tried that this morning, and I kept spilling the water.

Professor Bradford:
Take the carrot, for example. It helps one to improve one's vision. As a matter of fact, it actually helps you to see in the dark.

Gracie Allen:
That's not true about carrots.

Professor Bradford:
I beg your pardon.

Gracie Allen:
They don't help to see in the dark. I took a carrot down the basement one night, and until I lit a match, I couldn't even see the carrot.

Blanche Morton:
I wondered if you wanted to go to The May Company with me. They're having a January linen sale.

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, I don't want any. When I buy linen, I want it to last longer than that.

Blanche Morton:
Say honey, do you mind if I ask you how old George is?

Gracie Allen:
No, go right ahead.

Blanche Morton:
Well, how old is he?

Gracie Allen:
I don't know.

Blanche Morton:
You don't know his age?

Gracie Allen:
Well, how could I? He keeps changing every year!

Blanche Morton:
Oh but, honey, everybody's age changes.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, and it's so confusing! People should do what I do. When you get to the age that's most becoming, stay there!

Blanche Morton:
[Gracie can't remember why she circled a day on the calendar] Maybe you've got a date with the dentist.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Blanche! George wouldn't let me go out with him, he's a married man!

George Burns:
[telling a quick joke to Harry von Zell] Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says to the other, "You're fine. How am I?".

Ronnie Burns:
I have the makings of a fine dramatic actor. I've got everything I need except for one thing.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, what is that?

Ronnie Burns:
A motorcycle.

Gracie Allen:
Do you need a motorcycle?

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, HE had one.

Gracie Allen:
Who?

Ronnie Burns:
He!

Gracie Allen:
He, who?

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, Marlon Brando!

Gracie Allen:
Oh! Oh, well, if Marlon Brando's mother has a motorcycle, I'll get one too.

Gracie Allen:
Ronnie, I don't think you can come right out and ask your father for a motorcycle. Now, for instance, if I want a new dress, I ask him for something very expensive like a mink coat, and then he settles for the dress!

Gracie Allen:
[Gracie tries to help Ronnie get a motorcycle] George, Ronnie wants a locomotive.

George Burns:
Ronnie wants a locomotive?

Gracie Allen:
How about a speedboat?

George Burns:
A speedboat?

Gracie Allen:
Well, he needs something to go to school in. Taxis are very expensive!

George Burns:
How 'bout a pair of roller-skates?

Gracie Allen:
Let's split it down the middle and get him a motorcycle. [Gracie pats Ronnie's chest] See how it works, Ronnie?

George Burns:
[to audience] Blanche just told me that she slugged a masher in a book shop. And Harry Morton is inviting this important executive to dinner tonight to make a good impression on him. Wouldn't it be funny if they turned out to be the same man? It better be funny or I'll certainly speak to my writers!

George Burns:
[Gracie blathers on about her Uncle Harvey] And now, Gracie, say goodnight.

Gracie Allen:
You don't want to hear about the job he had helping that plumber? Well, the only reason he lost the job is because he did what the plumber told him to.

George Burns:
That's why he LOST it?

Gracie Allen:
Well, yes. You see, what happened was they were trying to hammer some pipe through a hole in the wall, so the plumber held it and he said to Uncle Harvey, "Now, when I nod my head, you hit it with that big hammer."

George Burns:
So?

Gracie Allen:
So the plumber did and Uncle Harvey did.

George Burns:
And Uncle Harvey isn't working for the plumber anymore.

Gracie Allen:
There is no plumber anymore!

Harry Morton:
Von Zell, perhaps you can help me. You seem to comprehend George's psychology.

Harry von Zell:
Yeah, well, you can't be fired by a man three or four times a day without getting to know him pretty well.

Geraldine Bojus:
My, your better looking than people say you are, Mr. Burns.

Bill Goodwin:
Oh, I'm not Mr. Burns; I'm Bill Goodwin.

Geraldine Bojus:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Bill Goodwin:
I'm not.

Geraldine Bojus:
Uh, what does Mr. Burns look like?

Bill Goodwin:
George? Oh, for a man his age who's been through as much as he has, he looks terrible.

Harry Morton:
Why doesn't she [Gracie] stay home with her husband?

Blanche Morton:
If you had that husband would you stay home? Well, I wouldn't! I'd take him back to the judge that married me, and I'd say look, I know I took him for better or for worse, but this is ridiculous!

George Burns:
My idea of an exciting evening is to curl up in a chair with a good book and a glass of warm milk. And the excitement comes from trying to turn the pages of the book without spilling the milk.

George Burns:
[to camera] If you think I'm double-crossing Harry Morton, you're right. I know I'm acting mean but next week I come off real kind. Through the entire show I pat a little dog on the head while he's biting me in the ankle.

Mr. Jansen:
Whenever a doctor examines me, he always says, "Your blood pressure's too high!"

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, you're tall enough so if it's no higher than you are it won't show.

Mr. Jansen:
What's wrong with the pipes?

Gracie Allen:
Well, there's one that's leaking and I don't know which one it is.

Mr. Jansen:
Oh, well, I'll find it. I've had problems like this before, but I always lick them.

Gracie Allen:
To see which one is leaking, huh?

George Burns:
You know, Ronnie, I hate to say this but you tell jokes badly. You don't take after your mother.

Ronnie Burns:
No, I guess I take after you.

Blanche Morton:
I think I'll wear my long pink gown with a very simple necklace, and pink gloves, and - oh, what about shoes?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, no matter how long your gown is, I still think you should wear them!

Mr. Jansen:
Ah, Mrs. Burns, I have something for you. I only give these to my very best customers. It's a new calendar.

Gracie Allen:
Well, thank you! Oh, you're such a reliable plumber, I'm sure your calendar will be accurate.

Mr. Jansen:
I hope so! Aren't you gonna hang it up?

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, you see, the bank already sent me one for next year so I'll save this one for the year after that.

Mr. Jansen:
You having trouble with your pipes again?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, the water won't go down the sink.

Mr. Jansen:
Oh, then it must be your drain. Well, that's Beverly Hills for ya. Above the ground it's a lovely community... but below the ground it's no better than anyplace else.

Gracie Allen:
That is true. And vice-versa.

George Burns:
Gracie has got a little system, first she does something and then she figures out how she's gonna do it. And to make it just a little more interesting, she never figures out how she's gonna do it until she does it. Now that kind of figuring might be a little confusing to you, but I've been married to Gracie for a lot of years and I know why you're confused. Because so am I.

Jack Benny:
You know, I think that it's about time I answered his wild accusation. See, Burns claims that I stole his opening joke and that it was a very good joke. Well, that isn't true. That's the worst joke I ever stole in my life!

Harry Morton:
Blanche, when I woke up this morning there was twenty dollars missing from my pocket. I'm sure the maid took it.

Blanche Morton:
We don't have a maid.

Harry Morton:
I know.

[George and Gracie are on a train]

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, I'm on a diet, do you mind if I ride backwards while I eat?

George Burns:
What's that got to do with a diet?

Gracie Allen:
Well, when you ride backwards, the train keeps pulling you away from the food and you don't eat too much!

[Blanche calls out to Gracie from the living room]

Blanche Morton:
How is everything up in San Francisco?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I'm not up in San Francisco, I'm up in the bedroom.

Gracie Allen:
George and Jack Benny had a terrible fight.

Blanche Morton:
George and Jack Benny, after all these years?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, isn't it awful? And they're not even talking.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, I just can't believe it. Why, I thought they were closer than Damon and Pythias!

Gracie Allen:
Damon and Pythias? Are they as close as Minneapolis and St. Paul?

Blanche Morton:
No, no, honey, they're in mythology.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Blanche! They're in Minnesota!

George Burns:
How do you like that, Jack Benny stealing my opening joke - and a great joke! I can't understand it. We've been friends for years, we've been friends all our lives, we started in vaudeville together. Why, I knew Jack when he was really 39! We had quite a fight up in San Francisco last night, I was gonna take a swing at him but I didn't wanna hit a man with gray hair... but wait 'til I catch him without it!

George Burns:
I've been trying to make a call for the last hour and somebody is using our telephone.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it's Blanche.

George Burns:
I'm gonna lose my temper, hasn't she got one of her own?

Gracie Allen:
Oh yeah, she has a very bad temper, so don't say anything to upset her or she'll never get off the phone.

George Burns:
If Gracie thinks that I believe the barbecue is gonna be at the Vanderlips', she must think I'm a bigger sap than I ever thought she thinks I am.

George Burns:
My hobby is singing - I love to sing! Now there's a hobby that gives me a lot of pleasure. And it costs me nothing but all of my friends.

Harry von Zell:
I never heard George talk like that before - why, nothing he said made any sense! Haven't you noticed it?

Gracie Allen:
I hadn't noticed a thing, he seems just as normal as I am.

George Burns:
People are always asking, "What's the right age for marriage?" That's like asking, "What's the right age for appendicitis?" When it hits you, it hits you.

Blanche Morton:
Gracie, let's go in and cheer Ralph up.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, and I know how to do it! Isn't there a saying that misery loves company?

Blanche Morton:
Yeah.

Gracie Allen:
Well, come on, Blanche! We'll be so miserable he'll have to cheer us up!

George Burns:
[monologue] I'd say that the majority of all domestic arguments start at the breakfast table. I knew a fellow who kept his face buried in the newspaper every morning- he never even looked up. His wife finally left him, and he didn't know it, until he read it in the paper four days later.

[last lines]

George Burns:
Well, Gracie, now that everything is peaceful and quiet, would you like to go to a movie?

Gracie Allen:
Why, I'd love to!

George Burns:
Would you like to see 'Hans Christian Andersen' with Danny Kaye?

Gracie Allen:
I'd rather see it with you.

Gracie Allen:
[a new actor plays the part of Harry Morton] You know, George, I've been confused all day.

George Burns:
I don't believe it.

Gracie Allen:
There's something entirely different about Harry Morton this week. I finally figured out what it is. He never wore brown shoes before.

George Burns:
Say goodnight, Gracie.

Ronnie Burns:
Remember last winter, I thought I lost my skis? Guess where they turned up.

Gracie Allen:
Where all skis turn up, in front!

George Burns:
I don't want to be anything that I'm not. Now, I'm a singer, that's a talent I was born with... and that's the one I'm dying with.

Mrs. Sohmers:
Actually, I had no right to lose my temper and start pounding with my gavel on the table. I should have used my head.

Blanche Morton:
No, no, Gracie, she...

Mrs. Sohmers:
Shhh! Well, go ahead, Mrs. Burns. Aren't you gonna say that I would be foolish to bang my head on the table while I had a gavel?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, no! It would be rude to say anything that silly - but it's alright for you to say because you're president of the club.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Blanche, would you keep this egg in your kitchen? Because I have the other one in mine.

Mrs. Sohmers:
Why did you want Mrs. Morton to keep the egg here?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, I'm making some cupcakes for Ronnie and the recipe said, "Separate two eggs."

Blanche Morton:
Say Gracie, did the Beverly Hills Uplift Society ever get a musical group for the concert Saturday night?

Gracie Allen:
Oh yes, we've got the Monetti String Ensemble.

Blanche Morton:
Oh really? They're a very famous sextet.

Gracie Allen:
Oh? Well, as long as they behave themselves at the concert.

George Burns:
If husbands and wives would be absolutely honest, cut out all dissension and tell each other everything, there'd be very few unhappy marriages. Also very few marriages.

Jerry Hannigan:
Haven't I seen you someplace?

Gracie Allen:
I don't think so.

Jerry Hannigan:
I'm sure I've seen you somewhere before.

Gracie Allen:
Well I may have been there, but we must have been there at different times.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I wish you had heard what my mother said about friendship to my father when he came home late at night.

Ralph:
Mrs. Burns, well, what did she say?

Ronnie Burns:
Yeah!

Gracie Allen:
Well, I don't know. They used to chase me out of the room - I was too young to listen!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, now you see, George, you're not married to an ordinary woman!

George Burns:
I know, that's why I love you.

George Burns:
Gracie, why does your mother ask you to do her shopping here? Aren't there any stores up in San Francisco?

Gracie Allen:
Well sure, but I can't keep running up there every time she wants something.

George Burns:
I'm going down to the store to get some cigars and stamps.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, who are you gonna mail them to?

George Burns:
I'm gonna smoke them myself.

Gracie Allen:
Oh.

George Burns:
Aren't you gonna ask me why I'm gonna smoke stamps?

Gracie Allen:
Why should I? I've done one or two silly things in my life too!

Blanche Morton:
Harry, I think it's very nice of George to let them stay there. It's more than you would do.

Harry Morton:
Blanche, what did you have in mind?

Blanche Morton:
Well, I thought it would be nice if my brother came down.

Harry Morton:
With what?

Blanche Morton:
You're just mad at my brother because you had to pay a dental bill for him once. It was only eighty dollars. Besides, anybody could have trouble with his teeth.

Harry Morton:
Well he wouldn't if he'd learn to open beer bottles with an opener!

Blanche Morton:
You just don't like anybody in my family. Take my mother, she was here for a whole month and you didn't say one single word to her!

Harry Morton:
I didn't want to interrupt her.

Blanche Morton:
Don't know why I had to marry you.

Harry Morton:
I know why. You wanted a handsome, intelligent man who was gonna amount to something.

Blanche Morton:
I know, but answer my question. Why did I marry you?

Pete:
Who's the nice looking old guy who lives in the white house on the corner?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, that's Mr. Henderson. He lives there alone with his dog.

Pete:
Does he bite?

Gracie Allen:
No, he's a nice old man, he wouldn't hurt a fly!

Perry:
He meant the dog.

Gracie Allen:
No, he wouldn't do that. The dog might bite him back!

Perry:
You have a lot of interesting neighbors around here.

Gracie Allen:
Yes, especially the ones who live in the neighborhood.

Gracie Allen:
I was just talking to Mr. Henderson a little while ago, and he told me the Vanderlips' silver had been stolen and his dog was missing. So I said, "Oh Mr. Henderson, that's silly. I'm sure your dog didn't steal the Vanderlips' silverware!"

Perry:
Say Gracie, we were wondering, where's your wall safe?

Gracie Allen:
Where's my wall safe? Well, it's safe everyplace. The ceiling's a little weak though.

Gracie Allen:
You know, George used to be attentive.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, Harry too, but no more. Last night we were hurrying to go to a movie and do you know that Harry wouldn't zip up my dress?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, he should be ashamed of himself!

Blanche Morton:
Well, George is just as bad.

Gracie Allen:
Well, if your own husband won't do it, why should George? He won't even zip up mine.

Gracie Allen:
You know what's wrong with you husbands? You're all thoughtless. If you'd been a husband when I met you, I bet I never would have married you.

Gracie Allen:
A wife has to break down her husband's resistance, and I'm gonna keep working on you until you're broken down. [Gracie walks away]

George Burns:
She's a little late for that.

Ronnie Burns:
Goodnight, goodnight. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Gracie Allen:
That I shall say goodnight 'til it be morrow.

Ronnie Burns:
I didn't know you knew Shakespeare.

Gracie Allen:
Shakespeare? Your father told me he wrote that!

George Burns:
The trouble with Women is they want all the courtesies of their sex and all the privelidges of ours.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Getting back to these questions, now this is a very general literary quiz which you must pass to qualify for our club.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I love quizzes! Do the questions have to be answered correctly?

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
It would help.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
In order to be sure to make you a member of our club, I brought you these questions and these answers, and before the other members of the committee come, you can take a peek at them.

Gracie Allen:
Well, peeking at the other members wouldn't do any good - but peeking at these answers will!

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
I wanted to be sure that you'd memorized the information I left for you so that we could destroy the list before the committee got here, if you know what I mean.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes! Oh, you think of everything, Mrs. Sohmers. Your mind is so wonderfully crooked!

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
[Gracie is supposed to memorize the answers to a quiz but she instead memorizes the questions] You didn't learn the answers?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I thought the questions were much more important.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
How did you arrive at that conclusion?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I've been watching a quiz show and I noticed that people who know the answers come and go but the man who knows the questions comes back every week.

Harry Morton:
Really, Blanche, the hold Gracie has on you is incredible! Would you give me a truthful answer to a hypothetical question?

Blanche Morton:
Well, sure.

Harry Morton:
Suppose the three of us were on a ship. Gracie and I were swept overboard. Now, you are at the rail with two life preservers. To whom would you throw the first one?

Blanche Morton:
To Gracie.

Harry Morton:
I thought so!

Blanche Morton:
Then I'd throw her the second one in case she might've missed the first one.

Harry Morton:
And leave me to my fate?

Blanche Morton:
Oh, Harry, you don't have to worry! You have enough hot air in you to keep you floating for days!

Gracie Allen:
In school, I got very good marks in literature and I would've done much better if I wasn't distracted by that little Ernie Bergman.

George Burns:
What did he do to distract you?

Gracie Allen:
Well, how would you feel if the boy who sat in front of you kept dipping his pigtails into the inkwells?

George Burns:
The boy - and he had pigtails?

Gracie Allen:
He used to bring them to school; his father was a butcher.

Gracie Allen:
I bought two lovely pairs of brown leather shoes, and two beautiful navy blue dresses with white lace collars, and two hats exactly alike, and two red blouses.

Peter the Waiter:
Mrs. Burns, why do you buy two of everything?

Gracie Allen:
To make my husband happy.

Peter the Waiter:
I beg your pardon?

Gracie Allen:
Well, you see, when I come home with a lot of packages, he always says, "Gracie, send half of them back." So I do!

George Burns:
Well, Gracie's got another surprise for me. Since we've been in New York she's done nothing but surprise me. First day she bought a white dress, and the second day she bought a blue dress, and the third day she bought a green dress. So I told Gracie, instead of spending all of her time shopping, she ought to go around and see some of the sights. So she finally took my advice; the next day she bought a black dress and went to Grant's Tomb.

Ronnie Burns:
I don't want to do comedy, I wanna take a crack at serious drama.

Gracie Allen:
But Ronnie, we've done comedy all our lives and we're proud of what we've done, and we thought you were too. Well, all our lives we've hoped and dreamed that someday you'd join us. Well, this comes as quite a shock. I - I don't know what to say.

Ronnie Burns:
Dad, did you hear that? What a reading, what feeling, what emotion! What a dramatic actress she might have been if you hadn't put her in comedy.

Gracie Allen:
Really, Ronnie?

Ronnie Burns:
Sure, mother!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, George Burns, you ought to be ashamed of yourself! You've wrecked my career!

Velma Rogers:
So you're Ronnie's mother. It's hard to believe - you look so young!

Gracie Allen:
Well, thank you!

Velma Rogers:
I'm sure people must mistake you for sister and brother.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I have been taken for Ronnie's sister - but never his brother!

George Burns:
The biggest surprise I ever got was last Saturday. I asked Gracie to do a couple of things for me cuz I had to go downtown. I said, "Gracie, put this ribbon in the typewriter and sew this zipper on my slacks." When I came home, I couldn't believe my eyes. She put the ribbon in the typewriter and sewed a zipper on the slacks! You know, if she continues making mistakes like that, we won't have a television show!

George Burns:
Ronnie, you don't have to knock yourself out. If you want to get into showbusiness and you want a little experience, you can come on our television show.

Ronnie Burns:
But you - you do a comedy show.

George Burns:
Well?

Ronnie Burns:
If I got laughs, all my time at the Pasadena Playhouse would be wasted. I could never face those kids again!

George Burns:
Um... laughs are no good?

Ronnie Burns:
I know it's hard for you to understand, Dad, but I want to be something worthwhile. I don't want comedy. Laughs have ruined a lot of actors - look what it's done to you! [George gets up and studies himself in the mirror]

George Burns:
Solid gold collarpin, silk tie, monogrammed shirts, never out of cigars. If you're gonna be ruined, that's the only way!

Gracie Allen:
[to Ronnie] I know showbusiness will be just as good to you as it has been to your father and me!

George Burns:
He doesn't mean comedy showbusiness. He wants to be a dramatic actor. He doesn't want to be funny, doesn't wanna get laughs.

Gracie Allen:
Wonderful! That means you can step right into your father's shoes!

Gracie Allen:
Now, if you two are planning to continue your fight about Ronnie coming home late, don't you dare do it! You fought enough last night! And especially you, George. You have no right to talk to Ronnie the way you did, after all, he's your son, not your husband.

George Burns:
So you, um - you have your own checking account?

Ronnie Burns:
Well, I'm saving up a little money. It's sort of an old age emergency fund.

George Burns:
Old age?

Ronnie Burns:
Well, yes. When you get older you might not be as easy to get money from.

George Burns:
You know, Ronnie, if you don't pass your exams I might age before your next allowance.

Gracie Allen:
Thanks to you, Ronnie has rented an apartment.

George Burns:
Ronnie rented an apartment?

Gracie Allen:
His landlord just phoned. Ronnie give him a check with the wrong date.

George Burns:
Gracie, if I explain this, will ya listen?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, you don't have to explain it. I know what it is to put a wrong date on a check, I do it every day!

George Burns:
Well, there goes Gracie, full speed ahead and running the wrong way.

George Burns:
You heard of Instant Milk and Instant Coffee? Well, I'm putting a new product on the market called Instant Confusion. You take any situation, you add a little Gracie, and there you are. And if you know where you are, you haven't taken enough.

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, I feel uncomfortable lying to Dad.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, I understand. Our honeymoon was almost over before I felt comfortable doing it.

Gracie Allen:
Remember what your father says. "Whether a man knows anything or not he should have an education to go with it."

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, that doesn't make sense.

Gracie Allen:
Sure, that's why your father wants you to have an education so you won't say things like that.

Blanche Morton:
You always get away with it, but don't you ever tell George the truth?

Gracie Allen:
Of course! But only when I wanna confuse him.

George Burns:
Oh by the way, Sam, if you're thinking of making a musical and want somebody that can sing, somebody who's got a style and has had it for a long time - in fact, he's had it so long that his style is back in style again - I'm available.

George Burns:
[Ronnie is cast in a movie] I've always been known as Gracie Allen's husband but now things'll be different, I'll also be known as the father of Gracie Allen's son.

George Burns:
A lot of people think I have no talent at all but that's only because they've seen me perform.

George Burns:
You know, when I was Ronnie's age I could've been a movie star if movies had been invented. So I went into vaudeville instead and that's why they invented movies.

George Burns:
[Ronnie worries that his parents will embarrass him] When Mr. Fletcher gets here, there'll be no jokes and no attempts at being funny.

Gracie Allen:
Well, it would be silly for Mr. Fletcher to tell jokes. You know, laughs are very hard to get. Ask your father, he's been trying to get them for years!

George Burns:
Ronnie, I'm your father and I know best.

Ronnie Burns:
But, Dad!

George Burns:
I don't care what Mr...

Gracie Allen:
Now, wait a minute! None of these family arguments! One of you is guessing and the other one knows what he's talking about, and you can benefit by his experience. So George, why don't you listen to Ronnie?

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, don't you think I'm old enough to make my own decisions?

Gracie Allen:
I certainly do. You're very grown up and I'm proud of you.

Ronnie Burns:
I wish Dad felt that way.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, sure. He doesn't remember, but you're much older than he was when he was your age.

George Burns:
That's the best way to avoid a quarrel, run away from it. Never have an argument with your wife because in the end you must lose. I learned that when I first married Gracie. We'd have arguments and I'd always win, then to make up I had to buy her a present. So I stopped arguing when I found out I couldn't afford to be right all the time.

George Burns:
I gotta handle things for my family or there'd be a lot of confusion. You know, I once happened to say to Gracie, "The way to lose friends is to borrow money." She went to the bank and borrowed a thousand dollars and gave 'em a list of friends she wanted to lose.

Ronnie Burns:
You know, Mom, it's real swell of you and Dad to give this dinner for Sally tonight.

George Burns:
Oh Ronnie, any friend of yours is a friend of ours.

Ronnie Burns:
And to include her parents.

Gracie Allen:
Well, why wouldn't we include them? Any parents of a girlfriend of yours are friends of our parents's girlfriend too!

George Burns:
You can't make records for his company, unless he okays it, and I don't want to be late. Have you seen my car keys?

Gracie Allen:
No, Dear, but since you're in such a hurry, you can show them to me when you get back.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, isn't youth wonderful? I'm so glad Ronnie and I have it.

George Burns:
Goodbye, dear. And if everything works out with Mr. Stanley, when I come back I, uh - I might have a surprise for ya.

Gracie Allen:
Well, if it's what I think it is, don't tell me because I already know. And if it isn't, don't tell me because I hate to be wrong!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, what a blow this is gonna be to George! Fate has kicked him in the face while his back was turned.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Ronnie, you're a wonderful son! If I ever have children again, I hope you're one of them.

Ronnie Burns:
Thanks, Mother.

Norman Granz:
In the record business, we're looking for youth.

Gracie Allen:
Well, if you're looking for youth, George is practically the first one to ever have it!

Gracie Allen:
Ronnie may be a chip off the old block, but why take the chip when you can get the block?

Gracie Allen:
George has a voice that is second to nobody's.

Norman Granz:
Including Sinatra and Como's?

Gracie Allen:
Well, they're not exactly nobodies... But you just name any singer who is nobody and I'll guarantee George's voice will be second to it!

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, you're a wonderful husband! If we ever have any more children, I hope you and I are the parents.

George Burns:
Gracie, that's pretty hard to believe.

Gracie Allen:
Well, believe as much as you can and don't pay any attention to the rest.

Blanche Morton:
When Gracie says to do something, we must do it!

Harry Morton:
Gracie, Gracie! Who comes first in your life, Gracie or me?

Blanche Morton:
Gracie. She also comes second, third and fourth.

Harry Morton:
Oh, I see. I have been relegated to fifth position in your affections.

Blanche Morton:
No, that's where my mother comes. And then comes my brother Roger, and then my Aunt Martha, and then my Uncle George, and then my neices and nephews.

Harry Morton:
Where, may I ask, do I come?

Blanche Morton:
Well, I'm not quite sure but it's somewhere between my beauty operator and the paper boy.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, dear! Are these the smallest olives you could get?

Peter the Waiter:
Yes ma'am, but why do you want the small ones? The large ones are so much better!

Gracie Allen:
I know, but the little ones make the sandwiches look bigger.

George Burns:
Ronnie, why don't you get into something nice? Do you always have to wear that leather jacket and those sneakers?

Ronnie Burns:
All the kids in school dress this way, Dad. It's part of the Stanislavsky method.

Gracie Allen:
Well, just because Stanislavsky is a sloppy boy, that's no reason for you to be!

Gracie Allen:
Ronnie, will you come in here, please? As soon as your father figures out what to say, he wants to talk to you.

George Burns:
Louise must have been a very popular girl.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, she was! You know, Barney isn't the only man she could have married. She was once engaged to a nearsighted Scotsman, but - oh, they would have been married except he disappeared.

George Burns:
What happened to him?

Gracie Allen:
Well, who knows? One day while he was in a rowboat he mistook an octopus for his bagpipes, and when he started blowing them, he...

George Burns:
Never mind.

Gracie Allen:
I think I know a way of finding out about Ronnie without him knowing I'm there.

Blanche Morton:
Look, Gracie, before you do whatever it is you're thinking of doing, would you take a little friendly advice?

Gracie Allen:
Well, sure.

Blanche Morton:
I think it's going to be silly.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Blanche, this is no time to give me silly advice when I'm worrying about Ronnie!

George Burns:
Gracie, Harry has enough on his mind, he doesn't need you to drive him crazy.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I know but until he gets a wife, at least I can help!

Harry Morton:
Is there no end to your extravagance? I labor hard for my money. Why must you labor even harder to impoverish me? Have you no thought of the future? You are like the proverbial grasshopper, chirping away with no thought that winter is coming!

Blanche Morton:
I know winter's coming, I can hear all that wind.

Harry von Zell:
I know I've been doing a lot of raving but when you meet Vivian tonight you'll understand why I'm so excited about her. What a gorgeous doll!

Gracie Allen:
Well, thank you, Harry, and I'm sure Vivian is too.

George Burns:
Are we dressing tonight?

Harry von Zell:
Yeah, I'm wearing my dinner jacket.

George Burns:
Then I will too.

Gracie Allen:
George, you'd better wear your own because if he keeps eating there'll hardly be enough room in his dinner jacket for him!

George Burns:
Gracie, when we go out tonight, Von Zell told his girl he's only 32, so let's keep it that way.

Gracie Allen:
How did you happen to tell her a thing like that?

Harry von Zell:
Well, I - I didn't exactly tell her that, Gracie. You see, I just said that I'm about 4 years older than she is, and she turned out to be 28, so what could I do?

Gracie Allen:
Well, you were certainly a gentleman to lie to her like that because if you told the truth, the poor girl would have to be about 46!

George Burns:
Isn't Gracie wonderful? Ya know that she's not the least bit jealous of me? It's true. When I was first courting her we were walking down the street and a pretty girl passed and I whistled at her. You know what Gracie did? She liked what I was whistling and she joined in.

George Burns:
Pretty women have caused trouble all through history. Look at Cleopatra and Helen of Troy, they lived back in uh - in um - in um... oh, way back... far, far back. That's part of the trouble they caused in history, they made me flunk.

George Burns:
There's a saying that married couples fight because it's wonderful to make up. The Mortons have been married for 12 years, they haven't made up yet, but when they do it ought to be a beauty.

Gracie Allen:
[Blanche and Gracie look at dinner menus] Everything looks so good. Blanche, what are you gonna have?

Blanche Morton:
I don't know. I think I'll have just what you have.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, wonderful, I'll have the same thing.

Blanche Morton:
Peter, what would you recommend?

Peter the Waiter:
That couple over there just had some lobsters.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, lobsters.

Peter the Waiter:
They're here from Baltimore, they're here to see the sights.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Well, if they're here to see the sights, it would spoil their fun if we ate them.

Gracie Allen:
Oh you know, sometimes we women get so sick and tired of the kind of men we married, we wish we hadn't married them. And if there were any other kinda men, we wouldn'ta married them either!

George Burns:
What have we rats been doing now?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, dear, I don't mean you. I was talking about men, so don't take it personally.

Gracie Allen:
Here's the twenty dollars you asked me to get for your date tonight. I got it from your father.

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, I better go thank him.

Gracie Allen:
Oh no, you don't have to - I left a note in his pants pocket thanking him.

Harry Morton:
Blanche tells me you're going house-hunting this morning.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Yes, I hope soon to be a California resident.

Harry Morton:
I can't tell you how delighted I am, Mrs. Sohmers, that after one week's visit with us you have decided to find a home of your own.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Mr. Morton, I had no idea my presence here had been so objectionable!

Harry Morton:
California is the garden spot of the nation, rich in industry, teeming with natural resources and blessed with the diversity of climate and scenery unsurpassed throughout the nation. Left as it is beside the blue waters...

Blanche Morton:
Will the distinguished Representative from California yield long enough to eat his eggs?

Harry Morton:
Do forgive me. When I'm on the subject of California, I get carried away.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
But not far enough.

Blanche Morton:
By the way, Harry, Mrs. Sohmers and I'll need the car today to go house hunting.

Harry Morton:
Well, I'm sure you'll find many charming places here in Beverly Hills.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Yes, I'm going to locate in Pasadena.

Blanche Morton:
By the way, Mrs. Sohmers, how come you decided on Pasadena instead of Beverly Hills?

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Well, there's nothing wrong with Beverly Hills. If I had lived next door to her as long as you have, I'd get used to it too, but I haven't and I'm too old to start.

Harry Morton:
You and Gracie and your meddling are just as much responsible for my recurrent dilemmas as Blanche is herself. Oh, it's useless to try to reason with a person of your mentality. You are not just a man, you are a hopeless buffoon, a clod, a bungling oaf!

George Burns:
Thanks, and I sing and dance too, y'know!

Gracie Allen:
It's a mother's duty to worry about her children and if there's nothing to worry about, you might as well eliminate us mothers!

Gracie Allen:
If I give him some silly prepared story, he'll be able to tell by the expression on my face that I'm lying. But if even I don't know what I'm gonna tell him, how can he possibly know I'm lying?

Blanche Morton:
I can't get over the fact that Ronnie's 21 now.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, he's a man now, we'll have to treat him as one.

Blanche Morton:
Well, as I was telling Harry, Ronnie seems like the same sweet little boy he always was, but Harry disagrees.

Gracie Allen:
Oh?

Blanche Morton:
Yeah, Harry feels he's more mature, that any day now he'll be swept away by some pretty face and fly the coop.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, dear. I know how you feel, dear, but someday I expect Ronnie to do the same thing.

Blanche Morton:
What?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I wouldn't worry. If Harry gets tired of you, he could also get tired of a pretty face too!

Blanche Morton:
No, honey, you didn't understand - I meant Ronnie!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Blanche! Why would Ronnie get tired of you? He isn't your husband! He's a friend, and he loves you just as all of us do!

Gracie Allen:
That's life. Time passes and the baby bird must leave its nest, the butterfly its cocoon and the little sardine its can, and all we mothers can do is stand by the shore and wave goodbye.

George Burns:
To the bird, the butterfly or the sardine?

Blanche Morton:
[returning home from the beauty parlor] My operator's a very clever girl. I wouldn't let *anybody* else touch my hair. In fact, you know what she told me today? Women are going to wear their hair longer.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, that's ridiculous. I'm *already* wearing my hair twenty-four hours a day.

Gracie Allen:
You know, one night George came to visit me, and he brought me a bag of jellybeans, and we were sitting on the sofa and my mother came in and turned out all the lights, and...

Blanche Morton:
Your MOTHER turned out the lights?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, she couldn't stand to look at George.

Blanche Morton:
Oh. Well, I'll bet George didn't waste any time when the lights were out.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I'll say he didn't! He ate all the black jellybeans!

Gracie Allen:
George, could I have the car keys? I have to go downtown.

George Burns:
Oh, you haven't renewed your driver's license. If they catch you without a license, they'll throw ya in jail.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I'll drive so fast they can't catch me!

George Burns:
What's that?

Gracie Allen:
Electric cords, I had them shortened. This one's for the iron and this one's for the floor lamp and this one's for the table lamp...

George Burns:
Well, why did you shorten them?

Gracie Allen:
To save electricity!

George Burns:
I'd be glad to drive you downtown but I've got some work to do.

Gracie Allen:
Well, then let me use the car. I'm a very careful driver, its the other people who are careless.

George Burns:
Look, Gracie...

Gracie Allen:
You know, last week I was driving down a one-way street and every car I met was going the wrong way!

Gracie Allen:
I don't approve of bowling! It can't be nice if you have to do it in an alley!

Bill Goodwin:
I've got a date to eat with the producer and you can't be late when you're having Pasternak for lunch!

Gracie Allen:
Won't they warm it up for you?

Bill Goodwin:
You know, girls, I'm gettin' a little tired of those small car jokes. Now, it's a British car and they make 'em smaller because there's a shortage of gasoline in England. Or, I guess I should call it petrol.

Gracie Allen:
No, that might confuse me. Call it England.

Gracie Allen:
Did you get the paint all off your hands, Blanche?

Blanche Morton:
Oh yes, thank you, honey. But Gracie, if you had the back gate painted, why didn't you hang up a wet paint sign?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I did! I hung it on the tree. The gate looked so pretty now that it's freshly painted, I didn't want to spoil it with a sign.

Gracie Allen:
You know, that man at the store was so silly! When I told him I wanted to paint my garden gate, he asked me if I wanted white paint or cream.

George Burns:
And you said, "You don't put cream on gates, you put it on strawberries."

Gracie Allen:
How did you know, dear?

George Burns:
I think the way you do.

Gracie Allen:
Oh sure! You know, when two people are as close as we are, we only need one brain between us.

George Burns:
It's lucky we've got that.

George Burns:
[Aside] That must have been Gracie's idea. She's about as subtle as a gravy sandwich.

Silky Thompson:
[to Gracie] Look, lady, your time is runnin' out. Don't waste it!

Silky Thompson:
[exasperated] I've come here to blow a dame's brains out, and I find out somebody beat me to it!

George Burns:
[monologue] You know, when I went to school I flunked in American History, but I had a legitimate reason. I failed in it because of bad penmanship. The girl I was sitting in back of knew all the answers, but her handwriting was so bad, I couldn't read them. Imagine me flunking in American History. When I was a kid, there was so little of it.

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, you're awful! It's not fair of you to put something over on me when I'm trying to put something over on you!

George Burns:
If anybody wants me I'll be up in the den.

Gracie Allen:
Alright, dear. And if you leave without telling me, be sure to let me know.

Ralph Grainger:
Mrs. Burns, it's spring and I hate to get cooped up in one place. I kinda get itchy feet.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well then your underwear must be even longer than Harry Morton's.

Ronnie Burns:
Look, Mother, I think I'm gonna go up and tell Dad before he finds out - and I think I'm gonna tell him the truth.

Gracie Allen:
Well, why not? There's nothing wrong with the truth unless... you can't think of anything else.

Blanche Morton:
You know, Gracie, I think we got carried away with these new expensive spring outfits. I went over my budget and I'm sure you went over yours.

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, that's half the fun of shopping. The minute I realized I couldn't afford this dress, I bought it.

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, it's the duty of every woman to spend more than she can afford so that her husband will go out and earn more than he's able to.

Gracie Allen:
Grandma Mamie could do tricks shooting with pistols, rifles, shotguns, revolvers, bows and arrows - and she could even shoot with a porcupine!

George Burns:
A porcupine? How did she do that?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it was easy. She'd just aim the porcupine at whatever she wanted to hit and then she'd pinch it in the right spot until it shot all its quills.

George Burns:
That sounds like a pretty dangerous weapon.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, but she had trouble reloading it.

George Burns:
Well, how do you reload a porcupine?

Gracie Allen:
How do you load it in the first place?

Harry von Zell:
Gracie, I've got something to tell ya.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, what is it?

Harry von Zell:
I'm in love with the most beautiful, wonderful woman in the whole world!

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, I'm flattered, Harry, but I wish you hadn't said that. After all, you're one of George's dearest friends!

Harry von Zell:
No, you've got the wrong person.

Gracie Allen:
Well, you might think I have but I wouldn't change George for anybody!

Harry von Zell:
How old do you think I look?

Gracie Allen:
Well, it doesn't matter, but I'm sure you're much younger than that!

George Burns:
The only game I remember playing when I was a kid was Cops and Robbers. Of course, in my neighborhood we used real cops.

Gracie Allen:
Now children, it's cold today so if you're going swimming, wear your sweaters.

George Burns:
[Aside] You know, universal military training is a great idea. It prepares a kid for marriage.

Gracie Allen:
[to Emily] Say something to me in geometry.

Blanche Morton:
[about Harry] I wouldn't kiss him with borrowed lips.

Harry von Zell:
I'm great at character stuff! I'm what you might call a man-of-a-thousand-faces.

George Burns:
You couldn't be, or you wouldn't have picked that one.

Blanche Morton:
Honey, look, the best way to handle George is tell him the truth.

Gracie Allen:
Oh! Now I see why you and Harry have so many fights.

Colonel Bradley:
I'll never forget my first safari.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, did you shoot it or capture it alive?

Colonel Bradley:
No, no, Mrs. Burns, we travel on a safari.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, then it's a domestic animal.

Ronnie Burns:
I've, uh - I got a problem.

George Burns:
When'd you meet her?

Ronnie Burns:
Who?

George Burns:
The problem. When'd you meet her?

Ronnie Burns:
How'd you know I met a new girl?

George Burns:
Well, it's a new week, isn't it?

Ronnie Burns:
It seems that everything happens in this house. Last time I brought a girl home, Mr. Von Zell showed up with an Indian in full war paint. And another time, mother locked my professor in the closet!

George Burns:
Ronnie, if those things didn't happen in this house... we wouldn't have one.

Gracie Allen:
Any more questions?

George Burns:
Yeah, just one. Who's the man upstairs in his underwear?

Gracie Allen:
Any more questions?

George Burns:
No, I like that one. Who is he?

Gracie Allen:
Well, he's Colonel Bradley, a famous African hunter who spoke at our club meeting and I asked him to stay with us for a week.

George Burns:
For a week? Don't you think you should have asked my permission?

Gracie Allen:
Why?

George Burns:
I'm the head of the house.

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, I'm so relieved! You know, I thought you were mad at me, and here you are making jokes!

Harry Morton:
Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time you and your wife have ruined my marriage!

George Burns:
Harry, don't blame me for spoiling your happiness.

Harry Morton:
I didn't say "happiness." My marriage ruined my happiness and you and your wife are ruining my marriage!

George Burns:
A guest is just a host trying to get even.

Colonel Bradley:
Time certainly flew - I must have been telling you of my adventures for the last two hours! I hope you weren't bored.

Gracie Allen:
Well, if I was, I was so interested I didn't even notice it.

Blanche Morton:
I'll fix lunch for the girls while you're gone.

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, how about some sandwiches and maybe a salad?

Blanche Morton:
Alright. But you know, half the girls are on a diet. Do you think I ought to make it without dressing?

Gracie Allen:
Well, as long as you're alone and pull down the shade, whose business is it?

Blanche Morton:
That reminds me of something cute Gracie said. You know, she went to the Carnation farm, and she said that all of their cows are especially equipped to fill four cans at one time!

George Burns:
Mrs. McEveety's very rich though. Her husband left her a beautiful home in Bel Air, two Cadillac cars, plenty of money. He left her practically everything, the only thing he took with him was the upstairs maid.

Reporter #1:
Gracie, I interviewed you two years ago. Was that the last time you were here?

Gracie Allen:
No, this is the last time. That was the time before this.

Blanche Morton:
I'll never learn that dance!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, of course you will. The Hula is nothing but swaying and shaking and wiggling in a lot of different places at the same time. Now, I've watched you walk and you look like you've got most of it down pat!

Harry Morton:
Why George, I'm covered with mortification!

George Burns:
Under that shirt, nobody'll notice.

Blanche Morton:
He spent a fortune on his foreign stamp collection but when I needed a new fall wardrobe, did he get it for me? No! I was down to the point where I didn't have a stitch on my back, and he went out and bought a bunch of foreign stamps!

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, he must be out of his mind! Granted, you can stick those on you, but how do you get 'em off if you want to slip into something more comfortable?

Harry von Zell:
You were the intercollegiate middleweight boxing champion. Why don't you beat this fella up and throw him out?

Harry Morton:
Well, I tried that once but that stupid Roger had never heard of my record and he knocked the stuffing out of me.

Harry von Zell:
George, what about you?

George Burns:
Oh, I wouldn't hit Harry Morton. I know about his record.

Gracie Allen:
I'll put Roger next to George. You know, George is crazy about Roger.

Blanche Morton:
George?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, he even told me he wanted Roger to stay later than anybody else!

Blanche Morton:
He said that?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, he said, "Gracie, the last person I want to see at our party tonight is Roger!"

Roger Baker:
Oh Gracie, I would like to bring a girl tonight if she wouldn't crowd your table.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, I'm sure she wouldn't. But if she does, I'll have her sit on a chair like the rest of us.

George Burns:
Harry, I'm a little worried about you. How are you gonna feed those two faces of yours now that you're out of a job?

Mr. Curtis:
You're a widow?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, I have been ever since I've been married.

Mr. Phillips, the Gardener:
Say, this certainly is a nice day today, isn't it?

Gracie Allen:
It certainly is but that's one of those things we can do nothing about.

Gracie Allen:
You know, last time I was to a game I sat next to Harry and he explained football to me.

Blanche Morton:
That was the last time he went too.

Gracie Allen:
My husband says he wants the leaves out of the pool every morning. I've got a whole garage full, I don't know what he's gonna do with them.

[Gracie picks up a can of Carnation milk]

Gracie Allen:
Do you know something? Cows are smarter than people.

Sgt. Harris:
Some people, yes.

Gracie Allen:
And you know why? They're smart enough to put their milk in these little cans and you can't even get it out without punching a little hole in it!

[George picks up a thermos]

George Burns:
What have you got in here?

Gracie Allen:
Hot coffee for the game tonight.

George Burns:
All you've got in here are brown ice cubes.

Gracie Allen:
Sure, that's my own idea. You see, the minute the coffee starts to boil, I freeze it. Then when it melts it's nice and hot!

Gracie Allen:
Ronnie, why don't you and Kay go out to the garden?

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, alright.

Gracie Allen:
And while you're out there, you might tell her some of the things every young bride should know.

Ronnie Burns:
No, mother, those things I don't think I'm qualified to tell a bride!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, stop being so modest! You make wonderful coffee and toast - tell her how you do it!

Blanche Morton:
[a young man evades military enrollment by getting wed] Oh, I see your problem. You can't go to Westpoint if you're married.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, that can't be true. I happen to know that President Eisenhower went to Westpoint - so how do you explain Mamie?

George Burns:
Comedy is out, it's finished, it's over, it's through. Take comedians like Jackie Gleason and Sid Caesar, they made a horrible mistake last year - they were funny, they got laughs! Thank goodness that during my career I never made that mistake.

Gracie Allen:
Don't just sit there and mope, cheer up! Things are always the darkest before the dawn... and the dawn must be very near, cuz I've never seen things look blacker.

Gracie Allen:
Ronnie, would it make me conceited if I said you're probably the handsomest boy in Beverly Hills?

Ronnie Burns:
Well, no. It might make me conceited but why should it do it to you?

Gracie Allen:
Well, because I'm your mother and everybody says you look just like me.

Ronnie Burns:
Thank you, Mother. And you are the most beautiful woman in Beverly Hills.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, now you see, you are getting conceited!

Ronnie Burns:
I'm getting conceited?

Gracie Allen:
Well, sure! If I'm the most beautiful woman and you look like me, then you're the handsomest boy!

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, we just went around in a complete circle.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, but didn't we have fun going around together?

George Burns:
I told my wife to stay out of this and she always listens to me so she went right over to see you.

Harry Morton:
What is this I'm attempting to eat?

Blanche Morton:
That's a breaded Viennese cutlet, I got it out of the cookbook.

Harry Morton:
You forgot to remove the cover!

Blanche Morton:
You and your constant complaints. What happened to the warm, kind, romantic man I married?

Harry Morton:
Practically everything!

Gracie Allen:
I know I've got a wonderful idea but I can't think of it.

Blanche Morton:
Well, maybe I can help you think of something. You know what they say, "Two heads are better than one."

Harry Morton:
In this particular case, I don't believe they are even the equivalent of one.

Blanche Morton:
Well, why don't you help us? With four heads we can't miss.

Harry Morton:
Blanche, dear, your sense of humor is like your figure. Even when it reaches a point it is never in the right place.

Gracie Allen:
I know nine different ways to get money out of your father.

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, really? Well, I just ask him for it.

Gracie Allen:
Ask him? Oh, now I know ten ways!

[George turns on his TV and spies on Jack Benny]

Jack Benny:
George, have you got me on that silly television set of yours?

George Burns:
That's right, Jack.

Jack Benny:
But I'm not on tonight, I'm on Sunday night.

George Burns:
I know, but my set is a day slow.

Jack Benny:
Oh. Well, as long as I'm here, my fee for a guest appearance is...

[George turns off the TV]

Jack Benny:
Now, cut that out!

George Burns:
Remember, if he sues me, you didn't see him. I can't afford it.

Ralph Hanley:
I've finished you income taxes.

George Burns:
[reads the sheet] We owe the government 3 refrigerators of whipped Carnation?

Ralph Hanley:
For medical you put down one full length mirror, $50.

Gracie Allen:
That's right, I got it for my father so he won't get pnuemonia.

Ralph Hanley:
How's that?

Gracie Allen:
Well you see before he only had a half-length mirror, so when he went outside he forgot his pants.

Gracie Allen:
Do the Republicans have to pay for Mr. Truman's salary?

Ralph Hanley:
Yes they do.

Gracie Allen:
Isn't that just rubbing it in?

Ralph Hanley:
I'm here to help you with your income taxes.

Gracie Allen:
Oh we're glad, we got tired of paying them all ourselves.

Harry Morton:
[speaking to Blanche about Gracie] Our dear friend's brain is like the eye of a hurricane. It is a vacuum, yet wherever it goes, havoc is wreaked.

Mr. Jenkins:
How do you do, Mrs. Burns? I've often watched you on television and it's a pleasure to meet you.

Gracie Allen:
Well, thank you.

Mr. Jenkins:
I've gotten many a laugh from that zany character of yours.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, so have I - and he's a good husband too!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, it's so nice of you to come and visit us here in California.

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Well, it was on impulse, I just decided to come at the last moment.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's the most fun. You know, I never make up my mind to go anywhere until I'm there!

Blanche Morton:
By the way, Mrs. Sohmers, did you have a pleasant trip?

Mrs. Millicent Sohmers:
Oh, oh, oh yes! The only difficulty I had was getting a taxi at the airport.

Gracie Allen:
Well, while you were at the airport, why didn't you take a plane? They're much more comfortable than riding in a taxi all the way to California!

George Burns:
Well, Gracie, Halloween'll be here the day after tomorrow. What do you think we ought to do?

Gracie Allen:
What's the difference? No matter what we do, it'll be here the day after tomorrow anyhow.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, your Texas accent isn't so bad. When I'm speaking to you, I hardly noticed it except when you answer me.

Gracie Allen:
I'll make George do it.

Blanche Morton:
Well, what if he says no?

Gracie Allen:
Look, that might stop me but I'm sure you'll never take no for an answer.

Blanche Morton:
Gracie, you're giving a dinner party tonight to celebrate your tenth?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah.

Blanche Morton:
Your tenth what?

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, one thing at a time. Look, I thought of the number and I'm sure when the time comes I'll be able to think of something to go with it.

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
I'm as nervous as a heifer at branding time.

Gracie Allen:
What is it?

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
Well, it's my career as an actress. I'm mighty discouraged cuz I don't seem to be gettin' anywhere!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, Bonnie Sue, some people don't get famous until after they're dead, so cheer up - you've got lots of time for that!

George Burns:
You see, to be a straight man you have to have a talent, you have to develop this talent, then you gotta marry her like I did.

George Burns:
A book salesman. Hmm. Going up to our house? Is he silly enough to try to sell Gracie a book? Yes he is - if he was smart he'd turn around and run. You heard of that play "Death of a Salesman"? Trying to sell something to Gracie is what killed him.

Ronnie Burns:
It's no use, Mother, we just can't surprise him. Dad, why are you always so calm? Why doesn't anything ever startle you?

George Burns:
For a boy with a mother like yours, that's a pretty silly question.

Gracie Allen:
George, did you know that male and female skunks fall in love with each other because of thier sense of smell?

George Burns:
Oh, really?

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, they don't have any.

Mr. Colton:
[on the phone] This is Edward Colton down at The Colton Theatrical Agency. Is Mr. Burns there?

Gracie Allen:
I don't know. He's not here, but whether he's at The Colton Theatrical Agency, I couldn't say.

Blanche Morton:
Harry, you're the most wonderful husband in the whole world! Let me kiss you!

Harry Morton:
Why? What have I done now?

George Burns:
You're gonna retire?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, this hard work is too much for me. You see, you're a man and you're strong, but I'm a woman.

George Burns:
Isn't this decision kind of sudden?

Gracie Allen:
No! No, I decided to be a woman when I was still a little girl.

Mendoza The Great:
I'm sure you'll have no trouble learning the trick. The equipment's outside the door. Would you like to run through it?

Gracie Allen:
Well, maybe you can, you're a magician, but you'll have to open the door for me.

Blanche Morton:
That George Burns must have lost his mind!

Harry Morton:
I'm surprised that such a small object wasn't misplaced long ago.

Gracie Allen:
Blanche, Harry, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Harry Morton:
Oh no, no, nothing of the kind. We were just having a friendly litte discussion, weren't we, dear?

Blanche Morton:
Yes, darling.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well then I'm glad I waited outside and didn't come in in the middle of that awful fight.

George Burns:
Singers that imitate Crosby are a dime a dozen. You couldn't get anybody to sing like I do for a million dollars!

George Burns:
[singing] She wakes me up when I'm in slumber deep to ask me if I really am asleep. Why do I stand for it? I love her, that's why!

George Burns:
[singing] She calls the doctor when I need some bread and calls the baker when I'm sick in bed. Why do I stand for it? I love her, that's why!

George Burns:
[singing] She'll make a date with me then make me wait. And then she'll bawl me out for being late! Why do I stand for it? Oh, I love her, that's why!

Gracie Allen:
[singing] Life with him is so lugubrious, whatever that may mean, I'm sure. He calls me sweetie-pie but never tells me why - now you see what I must endure!

Blanche Morton:
Lucky George! Everything he touches turns to gold!

Harry Morton:
Why Blanche, one would think you were jealous of our friend's success.

Blanche Morton:
You mean you're not jealous?

Harry Morton:
Of course not. There's not a jealous bone in my entire body. I'm delighted at this furtherance of his prosperity.

Harry von Zell:
Well, so am I. I mean, George really deserves everything he gets. But it's - it's really amazing how he just keeps on getting it.

Harry Morton:
Yes, George has been briskly favored by fortune despite his lack of talent and I, for one, am tremendously gratified.

George Burns:
[singing] Life with her is unpredictable but I'm a guy who knows no fear. Her jibber-jabbering may puzzle you and me, but to her it's perfectly clear.

Gracie Allen:
[singing] He serenades me with that gravel voice. I have to listen cuz I have no choice. Why do I stand for it? I love him, that's why!

Gracie Allen:
[singing] He'll keep repeating all his corny jokes and makin' snide remarks about my folks. Why do I stand for it? I love him, that's why!

Gracie Allen:
[singing] He'll start a quarrel over silly things like wreckin' cars or losin' diamond rings! Why do I stand for it? I love him, that's why!

Harry Morton:
You know, I cannot understand why the Vanderlips allowed Emily to come to New York by herself. She's a grown girl but they treat her as if she were a baby.

Gracie Allen:
And they've been doing it ever since she was born!

Harry Morton:
Now Blanche, Emily has led a very sheltered life and unfortunately there are too many of my gender who might be tempted to take advantage of her unworldliness. You may not realize it but all men are not like me.

Blanche Morton:
Oh I've realized it... but too late.

Emily Vanderlip:
[Gracie catches Emily kissing Frank] I just happened to trip and I fell into his arms.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I hope you didn't bruise your lips!

Gracie Allen:
Mr. Maddis, I have a complaint. I don't think you should allow a man to hang around the hotel and flirt with girls!

Mr. Maddis:
Mrs. Burns, we all understand Mr. Von Zell. He's harmless.

George Burns:
We'll eat downstairs at Rumplemeyers.

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, I'll be right with you, I just wanna take these slacks off.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Ronnie, when you take the slacks off be sure and put on something else because we won't be alone in that restaurant.

George Burns:
Acoustics are bad in an empty room, you can hear yourself sing.

Gracie Allen:
And to think I believed him! Why, he doesn't even have the courtesy to believe half the lies I tell him!

Harry Morton:
A relationship that has endured for so many years should not be disrupted because George had one last little fling.

Blanche Morton:
What makes you think it's his last?

Harry Morton:
When a man his age has flung, there is scant likelihood of further flinging.

Gracie Allen:
Mr. Jansen, you can depend on me. Didn't I think of the idea?

Mr. Jansen the Plumber:
Yes!

Gracie Allen:
Well, it's dependable because it's out of my head - and I am too!

George Burns:
Gracie, what's going on?

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, that's a very good question! Now see if you can think of a very good answer.

Gracie Allen:
Maybe soon she can call you by your first name.

Mr. Jansen:
Oh I hope not, my first name is ridiculous.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, now why would your parents give you a silly name like that? Ridiculous Jansen!

Mr. Jansen:
Oh no, no, no, Mrs. Burns, my name is Cuthbert.

Gracie Allen:
Cuthbert?

Mr. Jansen:
It was my father's name and he gave it to me when I was baptized.

Gracie Allen:
Oh? Well, that was hardly worth getting wet for!

George Burns:
[Referring to his monologue] On radio I could have done this entire bit sitting on a chair.

Gracie Allen:
Walking is good for you. It contains vitamins.

Harry Morton:
Geooorrrge Burrrns!

George Burns:
Harry, you're the only man I know that makes my name sound like you're stepping on it.

Harry Morton:
You are a despicable scoundrel, a venal egocentric, a contumacious and meretricious rapscallion! There aren't enough words in the English language to describe you!

George Burns:
Sounds to me like you made up a few of your own.

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
I'm madder than a bull caught in a barb-wire fence!

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
Why, if a boy made sport of a girl that way down in Texas, we'd run him out of the country and - and into Oklahoma!

Gracie Allen:
[Bonnie Sue plans to give up acting and marry Ronnie] Oh believe me, Bonnie Sue, the day you were born the stage lost a wonderful woman!

Ronnie Burns:
Oh yes, you could have been another Helen Hayes, or a Sarah Bernhardt, or - or...

Gracie Allen:
How about Louise McNabb?

Ronnie Burns:
Right!

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
Ms. Burns, ma'am, I never heard of Louise McNabb.

Gracie Allen:
Well of course, nobody ever heard of her because she gave up her career and got married.

Blanche Morton:
Been doing some baking, huh?

Gracie Allen:
Mmm-hmm, macaroons. Have one.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, I don't know. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my shape.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Blanche, how could a cookie possibly change your shape? They're both round, so it'd be a perfect fit!

Barbara Westrope:
Edie, I want you to come home right away. You haven't done your homework all week.

Edie Westrope:
My dear sister, love and homework don't go together.

Gracie Allen:
Don't tell Ronnie that. Let him think up his own excuse.

Blanche Morton:
That's a brilliant idea but I don't think it'll work.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Blanche, you're my very best friend, so as long as you think it's a brilliant idea and if it doesn't work I'll give you credit for it.

Gracie Allen:
Here you are dear, the morning paper.

George Burns:
It's sorta all wrinkled up.

Gracie Allen:
Well, we get our paper from a very old delivery boy.

Harry Morton:
Young Ronald has married this Texas female Bonnie Sue.

Blanche Morton:
Oh, I can explain that. Sit down and have your beef stew.

Harry Morton:
What a horrible thing!

Blanche Morton:
What's wrong with two kids getting married?

Harry Morton:
I was referring to the beef stew. What a day! This culinary atrocity on top of young Ronald's marriage.

Malcolm Rogers:
Women! I'm gonna forget them 'til I'm 16!

Gracie Allen:
Oh, women can't be so bad. Remember that more than half of the babies who are born decide to be us instead of you.

George Burns:
[monologue] You know, when I was breaking into show business, I figured out a little stunt, myself. I had a lot of cards printed to give out to booking agents and theater managers, and they were made out of fine linen with engraved lettering, and it said, "Be the first one to hire George Burns." My friends thought they were too expensive, but they weren't. Those cards lasted me seven years.

Ronnie Burns:
On such short notice, I didn't know what to tell Kathy so I told her I was staying at the studio and working late.

Gracie Allen:
Shame on you, Ronnie! There's no excuse for telling such a silly lie, even on such short notice!

Ronnie Burns:
Should I have told Kathy the truth?

Gracie Allen:
Well, you should be able to think up something better than that too!

Ronnie Burns:
What?

Gracie Allen:
Unless the truth was interesting. Was it?

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, Mother!

Gracie Allen:
Well, come on and tell me! Your father is dying to know!

Ralph Grainger:
Why is it all those Italian actresses have such beautiful shapes?

Gracie Allen:
Well, it's because of their diet. You know, the Italian people eat a lot of olives, and you know how round olives are.

Ralph Grainger:
Well, the girls I end up with must eat nothing but celery.

Ronnie Burns:
I don't know what to do. She's beautiful and sweet and charming, but sometimes she mixes me up so I just don't know where I am.

George Burns:
Why don't you do what I did? Marry the girl!

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, don't give Ronnie wrong advice. You know you married ME!

Harry Morton:
Do you know that his father boasts that young Ronald was born backstage in a trunk?

Mrs. Sohmers:
Really? How uncomfortable for Mrs. Burns!

[last lines]

George Burns:
[breaking the 4th wall] Surprised how it came out? We had another finish, and it was funnier, - but the show was two minutes too long.

Gracie Allen:
Don't worry, Brian. You're not going back to Texas. You're gonna take that examination, and you're gonna pass.

Brian McAfee:
I don't know how, ma'am. My grades have been lower than a hog's stomach at feedin' time.

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, while you talk to Brian, can I take Bonnie Sue out in the garden and show her how nice the lawn looks now that it's been mowed?

Gracie Allen:
Well, of course! Oh, Bonnie Sue, do you close your eyes when you get kissed?

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
Always, ma'am.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's alright, you can see our lawn some other time.

Gracie Allen:
[George comes into the room] So, as I was saying, Bonnie Sue, have you noticed how much weather we've been having lately?

Bonnie Sue McAfee:
Yes, and most of it's been nice too!

Gracie Allen:
Yeah!

Ronnie Burns:
Yeah, except for the days that it's been raining.

Gracie Allen:
You know, people are funny, they can have weather 24 hours a day and never get tired of it!

George Burns:
This is a real interesting conversation.

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, I'm glad you like it, dear, because as long as you stay in this room, that's what you're gonna hear.

George Burns:
I'm still not leaving.

Gracie Allen:
I've noticed when it gets down below 40, the rest of me is cold too.

George Burns:
Gracie, I'm always warm because I've been over 40 for years.

Gracie Allen:
[Ronnie needs a story for the school paper] I've got just the thing! It was a big surprise to the Vanderlips when it happened. Thier cat had six kittens!

Ronnie Burns:
No, mother, but I need a story that's exciting.

Gracie Allen:
The cat's name is Henry.

George Burns:
Well, Ronnie, if you don't use it, I'm sure Walter Winchell will grab it.

Gracie Allen:
Oh! If Winchell dares to grab Henry in his condition, he'll hear from me!

George Burns:
In our house it works this way: Gracie reads the home section, Ronnie the sports section, and I the entertainment section. Of course, once in a while I do read the front page to see how long we'll be here to enjoy those other three sections.

Ronnie Burns:
How long is your father gonna keep letting you go to college?

Brian McAfee:
Oh, he don't never want me to quit. I guess you might say it's a matter of family pride.

Ronnie Burns:
Family pride?

Brian McAfee:
Yeah. He says if'n I went home, I'd be known as the dumbest boy in Texas. Why, he'd rather have me stay here and be known as the dumbest boy in California because it is a smaller state.

Ronnie Burns:
You know, Mother, it's a strange thing that your schemes always seem to work out.

Gracie Allen:
Well, try it anyway. Maybe this one will.

Blanche Morton:
I'm sorry to bring our troubles over to your house, Gracie.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's alright, Blanche. You know, it's a good idea for a husband and wife to do all their quarreling somewhere else, it keeps their own home nice and happy.

Blanche Morton:
Gracie, do you think it's right for us to keep putting these things over on our husbands?

Gracie Allen:
Well, always remember, Blanche, it's the battle between two different ways of life. Men and women.

Blanche Morton:
A battle of the sexes.

Gracie Allen:
Sex has nothing to do with it. We have to use tricks because who gets pushed around?

Blanche Morton:
Right! And who has to beg for money?

Gracie Allen:
Right! And who has to do all the work?

Blanche Morton:
Right! And who has to take all the orders?

Gracie Allen:
Right! So if we didn't use trickery, they'd have us doing these things!

Blanche Morton:
Ri...

Harry Morton:
George, my spouse has gone berserk!

George Burns:
Well, why don't you go with her? I understand you can get a family rate.

George Burns:
There's nothing like being the boss in your own house. And Gracie is.

Harry Morton:
[Gracie brings home some plants from Central Park] Those bulbs are property of the city. You have committed larceny - petty, it's true, but larceny nevertheless.

Gracie Allen:
Well, I'm sorry it was so petty, but it's the first time I ever tried it.

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, you gotta be very careful because Bonnie Sue's very upset.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, you can trust me! Most of the people I help are upset!

George Burns:
Take this new star, Sophia Loren... Did ya notice that every time you see a picture of her, she's always wearing wet clothes? They must do nothing but pour water on her!

George Burns:
You know, this country has become so foreign that it's hard to realize that it was first discovered by that great American, Christopher Columbus.

Blanche Morton:
You don't love me and you never did!

Harry Morton:
That is not true, Blanche. I did.

Harry Morton:
Oh, this association with Gracie has gone too far! Blanche, I am afraid that now you too are a point off-center!

Harry Morton:
George, I have something I feel you should know.

George Burns:
Oh, well, have a stool pigeon. I mean, take a chair.

[There's confusion about the guest of honor at Harry Morton's birthday party]

George Burns:
So here's what happened. See, Blanche wanted to give Harry a surprise party, but she wouldn't tell it to Gracie because she knew Gracie couldn't keep a secret...

Gracie Allen:
I couldn't keep a secret? Why, I can keep a secret better than anybody in this room! Why, when I went down to change Ronnie's presents, I bought myself three dresses and I'm gonna keep it a secret from George until... until...

George Burns:
Until when?

Gracie Allen:
Until I get him in a room with a crowd of people around and he can't do anything about it.

[Ronnie introduces his mother to Felicia]

Ronnie Burns:
She's staying here at the St. Moritz, her father's a very big government engineer.

Gracie Allen:
Oh? Well, when we go to Washington, we'll certainly ride on his train.

Yvette:
This Mrs. Sohmers, she is wealthy?

Ronnie Burns:
Oh yes, she and her husband are very rich. They have a big house on Long Island full of servants, and every winter they go to Florida on thier yacht.

Gracie Allen:
Well, that's nice for the servants, but where do Mr. and Mrs. Sohmers go?

Ronnie Burns:
Mother, THEY go to Florida on the yacht I was mentioning.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Well, then they can't be so wealthy if they have to borrow thier servants' yacht.

Harry von Zell:
You had Mario fix Mildred all up, and then you got her a beautiful dress, huh?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, and George got her a date with Ronnie, and she'll be here soon, Harry - and oh, will Ronnie be surprised when he sees her!

Harry von Zell:
You know, I just think it's wonderful, Gracie. And tonight, like the picture of Cinderella, she'll don a pair of glass slippers and be off to the ball in a pumpkin coach! You remember, Gracie, it was drawn by four little white mice?

Gracie Allen:
I thought Walt Disney drew it!

Blanche Morton:
When I think of my husband going out with Mr. Von Zell, prospecting for uranium, I can't believe it!

Gracie Allen:
Well, you ought to believe it by now. They've been gone for over two days.

Blanche Morton:
[Harry Morton and Harry Von Zell are prospecting for uranium] You know, when he told me he was going to camp out in the desert with Mr. Von Zell, I told him he was crazy!

Gracie Allen:
Well, Harry Von Zell is a little peculiar, but you shouldn't say that about him... Although he says the same thing about your husband.

Blanche Morton:
Oh no, no, no, honey, I meant MY Harry was the one who was crazy.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Well, if you and Harry Von Zell both think so, then it must be true.

Gracie Allen:
He's pulled things like this before. For instance, take my birthday - signing a check and telling me to buy anything I want! Naturally, I had to tear it up!

Blanche Morton:
Why?

Gracie Allen:
Why? Well, he signed the check but he didn't fill in the amount, that's why.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, you know, I thought you looked terribly young to know so much, but as long as you know so little, then you look just the right age for it.

Gracie Allen:
It's like I told him, he doesn't look old enough to know very much but, on the other hand, you couldn't possibly know enough to be as old as you look, so you make a perfect pair!

Mr. Hartford:
During the tests at Las Vegas, we scientists learned a great deal about the effects of radioactivity from goats and mice and rabbits...

Gracie Allen:
Oh, isn't it amazing to think those little animals knew more about it than you did?

Gracie Allen:
You know, we had a dog once and he was so smart! He could sit down by himself! And we taught him to bark whenever he wanted to.

Blanche Morton:
[to George] Why you ought to be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of your neighbors and your friends! Why that's downright dishonest.

Gracie Allen:
Now wait a minute, Blanche. You can't come over here and say a thing like that to George! How would you like it if I came over to your house and said things like that about my husband?

George Burns:
Thank you, dear.

Gracie Allen:
If you can have secrets from me, I can have secrets from you.

George Burns:
Secrets? What secrets have I got?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, don't play so innocent, George. How would you like it if you heard me talking to somebody on the phone, and saying "I've got something but don't tell George?" And after being happily married for 25 years, I wouldn't, but you did.

George Burns:
Whatever that is, I did that today?

Gracie Allen:
Well don't forget, two can play that game as well as I can.

George Burns:
Do you know what you're talking about?

Gracie Allen:
Well, of course I know what I'm talking about. And even if I didn't, it wouldn't be the first time.

Harry von Zell:
I'll just say this to you, Mr. Burns. I'm certainly glad I'm not working for you anymore. Why you're selfish and underhanded. You're not fit to associate with decent people!

Gracie Allen:
Now Harry, I realize you're our friend, but you can't say things like that to George. I don't even like it when my family says it!

George Burns:
Gracie, will you please stop helping me?

Harry Morton:
George, as a rule I'm an unemotional man, but on this occasion I feel I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't assure you straightforwardly that you are an unparalleled example of camaraderie and possess all the instincts of a true Samaritan.

George Burns:
I've been so nice to you, why are you getting so nasty?

Harry Morton:
George, you are an encouragable buffoon!

George Burns:
Now, that's better!

Gracie Allen:
I knew Ronnie was trying to get rid of me so, naturally, I listened outside. The next time you try to fool me, remember two things. That's a thin door and this is not a thick head.

George Burns:
If my wife can't get you out of this mess, I'm sure she can get you into a few that she can't get you out of.

Harry Morton:
Blanche, this is no time for amorous dalliance.

Blanche Morton:
When is the time?

Harry Morton:
In the far distant past.

Blanche Morton:
Don't you remember when I used to sit on your lap and snuggle? You were once romantic!

Harry Morton:
You were once twenty pounds lighter!

Gracie Allen:
Isn't it a lovely day? I'm glad we're having lunch out in the garden.

George Burns:
Yeah, it was a good idea.

Gracie Allen:
Yes! Isn't the air wonderful?

George Burns:
Yeah, and I notice that we get more of it outdoors than we do indoors.

Gracie Allen:
Yeah, you know, and it's surprising because we've got more windows indoors.

George Burns:
That's because the man who designed our house built the outdoors better.

Gracie Allen:
Well, naturally! He had more room to work in.

George Burns:
[to camera] I'm sorry I started it.

George Burns:
What's Ronnie studying?

Gracie Allen:
Greek philosophy.

George Burns:
Oh, like Aristotle, Plato, Socrates?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I don't know the professor's name, but it must be one of those three.

Gracie Allen:
Isn't it wonderful, the interest he's taking in his studies?

George Burns:
Gracie, I think Ronnie's studying the same thing I studied when I was his age.

Gracie Allen:
Oh George, you never went to college!

George Burns:
Yeah, but I used to stand outside and whistle at them as they walked in!

George Burns:
[to camera] I'm supposed to say something funny to cover Gracie's walk to the front door, but I won't have time to say it because she's already there. So why don't you laugh and I'll owe you a joke.

Prof. Maynard Henderson:
Mrs. Burns, I'm Professor Henderson and, if you don't mind, I think I should talk ONLY to the head of the household.

Gracie Allen:
Oh.

Prof. Maynard Henderson:
Is Mr. Burns home?

Gracie Allen:
Well yes, he's in the garden - but if we whisper he won't hear us.

Prof. Maynard Henderson:
I... I would like to talk to Mr. Burns.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, alright. It's sweet of you to want to include him. You know, he likes to know what's going on!

Gracie Allen:
My, you're so helpful! I may be able to talk to you without using my brain at all!

George Burns:
[Gracie hired models to pose as servants] Where did you get these girls?

Gracie Allen:
From a model agency.

George Burns:
What does that cost?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, about a hundred-thousand dollars. You see, it's a four-story building and it's very modern, and it has glass all the way...

George Burns:
No, not what the building cost. What do the girls cost?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, they each get twenty-five dollars an hour.

George Burns:
This is murder! Who's got that kinda money?

Gracie Allen:
Well, they'll have it as soon as you pay them.

George Burns:
Gracie! Dr. Johnson is here with Mary Benny's dog!

Dr. Johnson:
Oh Mr. Burns, please, we never use the word d-o-g in front of them.

George Burns:
Well, what do they think they are, c-o-w's?

George Burns:
Guess what Gracie is taking with her. Twelve dark blue water tumblers! Blanche told her that the sun in Palm Springs is very bright and she better take some dark glasses.

Gracie Allen:
You know, every time I see Errol Flynn, he reminds me of George.

George Burns:
Really?

Gracie Allen:
Yes, he always says, "How's your husband?"

Gracie Allen:
[speaking to Mr. Fitzpatrick, whom she has mistaken for Uncle Clyde] I'm sure he won't know you, because Aunt Clara always said that nobody recognizes you sober, and George doesn't drink.

Gracie Allen:
Men are so deceitful. They look you right in the face while they're doing things behind your back!

Mr. Vanderlip:
George, if you don't mind, there's something I've always wanted to ask you.

George Burns:
Because I happen to love her, that's why.

Gracie Allen:
What are you doing, Ronnie?

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, I'm going skiing.

Gracie Allen:
Oh. Well, then you better get these skis straightened out. The way they're bent up in the front you're liable to trip and hurt yourself.

George Burns:
Gracie, Ronnie and some of the kids are going up to Big Bear and they're looking for a chaperone.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, well, I doubt if you'll find one up there. You'd be better off taking one with you.

George Burns:
Uh, they want me as a chaperone.

Gracie Allen:
Oh Ronnie, you couldn't have made a better choice! On our honeymoon he chaperoned my mother and me and we had a wonderful time!

Harry von Zell:
After being with George for seven years, imagine him paying me that salary for the work I do - it's disgraceful!

Gracie Allen:
Well, if you think your work is that disgraceful then you shouldn't ask for a raise.

Harry von Zell:
Gracie, that's a wonderful idea!

Gracie Allen:
Well, of course! They're the only kind I ever have!

Gracie Allen:
Well, you'll love Honolulu. Oh, when George and I were there, we had a wonderful time.

Jane Adams:
Really? Did you go by plane or by boat?

Gracie Allen:
Well, I don't know - George bought the tickets.

George Burns:
How are you coming along with your college work this term?

Ronnie Burns:
Oh, great! Better than last year.

George Burns:
That bad, huh?

Gracie Allen:
George, there's a very lovely dinner-dress at Magnon's that I'd like to buy, but if you raise Ronnie's allowance, I won't get it.

George Burns:
Say no more. Ronnie, your allowance is raised five bucks a week.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, so that's the kinda of a man you are, huh? You're willing to squander money on your son, but your wife can go around in rags!

Professor Henderson:
I believe Mrs. Burns and I can find a solution.

Gracie Allen:
Well, of course! When we put our two brains together, we'll wind up with one.

Gracie Allen:
I'd better call my friend, Blanche Morton.

Professor Henderson:
Will she help you?

Gracie Allen:
Oh, yes! After I think of the plans, she explains them to me.

Ronnie Burns:
I can't go on letting you work and slave for my education. Dad, you're getting old!

George Burns:
Well, I've been doing it for years and nobody cared before.

Gracie Allen:
Now, do you know what to do?

Blanche Morton:
No!

Gracie Allen:
Oh well, don't worry. I've got a plan, so whatever I do you follow me, but if it isn't right, you start and then I'll follow you.

Ronnie Burns:
I guess I'm just not smart.

Harry Morton:
Well Ronald, you can't fight heredity. After all, you do have a parent with a somewhat addled brain.

Ronnie Burns:
Mr. Morton, I'll thank you not to talk about my father that way.

Harry Morton:
Well, it wasn't he... however, it does seem to fit just as well.

Gracie Allen:
Oh, operas are such fun! You know, you keep thinking the music'll turn out to be a tune and it keeps fooling you!