The Great Muppet Caper

[Kermit is sitting on a bench - a man and his daughter walk by]

Girl:
Look, Dad. There's a bear.

Father:
No, Christine, that's a frog. Bears wear hats.

Miss Piggy:
[to Nicky] You! It was you! Kermit was right! You're a phony. You're a phony! Yes, you are! And you know what, you can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed!

Miss Piggy:
[Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie] Why are you telling me all this?

Lady Holiday:
It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere.

Statler:
I guess all's well that ends well.

Waldorf:
Doesn't matter to me, as long as it ends.

Truck Driver:
What are you doing here?

Oscar the Grouch:
A very brief cameo.

Truck Driver:
Me too.

Kermit:
We're going to catch those crooks red-handed. [Beauregard raises his hand] Yes, Bo?

Beauregard:
What color are their hands now?

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
I suggest we jump.

Fozzie:
Are you crazy? That's at least a hundred feet!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
I didn't say it was a *good* suggestion.

Beauregard:
Maybe we could jump part-way.

Beauregard:
Takes awhile to get to know the town.

Fozzie:
How long have you lived in London?

Beauregard:
All my life.

Kermit:
How come you don't have an English accent?

Beauregard:
Hey, I'm lucky to have a driver's license!

Pops:
Hey, how're you guys fixin' to pay?

Kermit:
What are our choices?

Pops:
A: Credit card; B: Cash; C: Sneak out in the middle of the night.

Fozzie:
We'll take C.

Pops:
Very popular choice.

Fozzie:
[about run-down hotel] If that's the Happiness Hotel, I'd hate to see what the sad one looks like.

Gonzo:
Stop the presses!

News Editor:
Why? What happened?

Gonzo:
I don't know. I just always wanted to say that.

Fozzie:
What does "BSC" stand for?

Kermit:
I don't know.

Kermit:
I hate to be rude, but we're trying to do a movie here.

Statler:
Hey, Waldorf. Wake up. Here come the bikinis!

Waldorf:
Oh, boy! We better synchronize our pacemakers.

[Piggy's truck runs out of gas]

Miss Piggy:
What am I? A glutton for punishment?

Kermit:
We were wondering if you could recommend a nice hotel. Actually, a cheap hotel.

British Gentleman:
How cheap?

Fozzie:
Free.

British Gentleman:
Well, that narrows the field a bit.

[reading from his guide]

British Gentleman:
Let's see. "Places where you can park your carcasses." Bus terminals... River banks... The Happiness Hotel...

Kermit:
Happiness Hotel? That sounds great.

Gonzo:
What's wrong with bus terminals?

Fozzie:
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Holiday, sir. Would you let Kermit go? If you hold him too long, he'll just give you warts.

Gonzo:
[Referring to Big Ben] Is that the Eiffel Tower?

Fozzie:
Yeah!

Kermit:
No.

Fozzie:
No. No.

Miss Piggy:
[about Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem's playing] They don't have to play this loud.

Kermit:
That's okay, they don't mind.

News Editor:
How could you miss a story like *that?* It was right under your noses, practically bit you on the seat of your pants! There's just no excuse!

Fozzie:
I guess this would be a bad time to ask for a raise?

News Editor:
A *raise?* A *RAISE?* Oh, I'll give you a raise, all right! [Bangs his desk, sending them all flying]

Nicky Holiday:
Miss Piggy... You're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin...

Miss Piggy:
Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach.

[Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are in wooden boxes on an airline flight]

Fozzie:
Kermit, can you reach the hostess call button? I'm hungry.

Kermit:
They don't serve food in 9th class.

Fozzie:
What? Twelve dollars and we don't even get a meal?

Air Steward:
All out for England!

Kermit:
Oh, great! The plane is landing!

Air Steward:
[opens cargo door in mid-flight] The plane? No, the plane lands in Italy. *You* land in England!

Air Steward:
All out for the USA.

Kermit:
Great. How close are we?

Air Steward:
About 30,000 feet.

Kermit:
You mean...

Air Steward:
[opens cargo door in mid-flight again] Yep, happy landings.

Sam the Eagle:
You are all WEIRDOS.

[In a hot-air balloon]

Gonzo:
I'd like to try this without a balloon.

Kermit:
Try what? Plummeting?

Gonzo:
Yeah.

Kermit:
I suppose you could try it once.

Prison Guard:
Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
What?

Prison Guard:
Your lawyer is here to see you.

Miss Piggy:
Lawyer? I don't have a lawyer.

Prison Guard:
Och, sure you do. Little green guy.

Miss Piggy:
[short intake of breath] Kermie. Oh. No wonder he hasn't come by to see me. He had to finish law school.

Kermit:
What's wrong with the drummer? He looks a little crazed.

Zoot:
Oh, he's just upset about missing the Rembrandt exhibit at the National Gallery.

Animal:
RENOIR!

[Pops is driving the bus with Electric Mayhem in back]

Pops:
[to Kermit and friends who want to get on the bus] You'll have to sit in the front seat, the back's been quarantined.

Beauregard:
What's your room number?

Kermit:
What?

Fozzie:
I don't know, but we're on the second floor.

Beauregard:
Oh, I'm sorry. I can only take you as far as the lobby.

British Gentleman:
For once the forecast was right. It said it was going to rain cats and dogs.

Kermit:
No, no. We're bears and frogs.

Gonzo:
And Gonzos.

Security Guard:
But I hate pepperoni!

Fozzie:
[sighs] It was nice of the Chronicle to pay for our flight home.

Pops:
Yeah, but a man should be treated better than his luggage.

Scooter:
Yeah, well, my luggage was sucked out the door. Luckily my radio is frozen to my wrist.

Lady Holiday:
I have grave doubts about wearing these jewels. I feel as if thieves are breathing down my neck.

Nicky Holiday:
[breathing down her neck] Thieves aren't breathing down your neck.

Kermit:
Quiet!

[all fall silent except Janice]

Janice:
Look, Mother. It's my life, okay? So if I want to live on a beach and walk around naked... Oh.

Delivery Man:
Mr. Holiday, did you order a gross of flowered socks?

Lady Holiday:
Give Stanley a tip, Nicky.

Nicky Holiday:
For complimenting you on your necklace?

Lady Holiday:
No, because it's customary.

Nicky Holiday:
I haven't any change.

Lady Holiday:
Then give him something bigger.

Nicky Holiday:
*Bigger*? I left my wallet at home.

Lady Holiday:
You left your wallet in college.

Lady Holiday:
Carla, the neckline on that gown is too high, don't you think?

Carla:
I rather like the effect.

Lady Holiday:
You like looking like an ostrich?

Carla:
[miffed] Of course not, Lady Holiday.

Lady Holiday:
And Marla. Too many frills and furbelows, I don't think we should strive for the fan-tailed pigeon look, do you? And you, Darla, that outfit's the pits. Loose where it should be tight and tight where it should be loose, like the folds on a turkey's neck. Why would I design such atrocious looking clothes? [sitting down with a heavy sigh] I *must* be getting senile. [she presses a button on her desk]

Voice over intercom:
Yes, Lady Holiday?

Lady Holiday:
We have to make drastic changes in the new line before the show tomorrow, all my girls are going around looking like barnyard animals.

Miss Piggy:
Ahem!

Lady Holiday:
Good heavens, who are you?

Miss Piggy:
My name is Miss Piggy, and I would like to be a high-fashion model!

Lady Holiday:
Doesn't surprise me. Seems to be the way we're headed.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, Kermy! Oh, I've missed you so!

Kermit:
[stiffly] Please, the name is Rosenthal.

[lowers voice]

Kermit:
I'm your attorney, that's the only way they'd let me in here.

Miss Piggy:
Oh, right! Oh, I've missed you so... Rosenthal. It's been an eternity.

Kermit:
[puzzled] It's been forty-five minutes.

Miss Piggy:
Time goes slow in the cooler.

Rowlf:
Let me talk to them. Woof-woof. Woof-woof.

[guard dogs start to heel]

Rowlf:
It helps to know a second language.

Fozzie:
Kermit, are bears allowed in those fountains?

Kermit:
[bewildered] What?

Fozzie:
Are bears allowed in those fountains?

Kermit:
No, I don't think so.

Fozzie:
I need a bath.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]

Gonzo:
Gee, a lot of people worked on this movie!

Kermit:
Oh, this is nothing. Wait till you see the end credits.

[Kermit, Gonzo, and Fozzie are in a hot air balloon, flying through the opening credits]

Fozzie:
Nobody reads those names anyway, do they?

Kermit:
Sure. They all have families.

Prison Guard:
TWO MINUTES, PIG!

Gonzo:
[after taking pictures of pigeons outside] Local poultry.

Pops:
[banging on bathroom door] Hey! What's goin' on in there? Lotta folks out here need to use the restroom!

Kermit:
Well, we're developing these pictures, we'll be out as soon as we finish. We're trying to catch a jewel thief.

Fozzie:
A jewel thief!

Pops:
Well, catch him in another room, people are dancing up and down on one leg out here!

Fozzie:
[going over checklist] Whoopie cushion?

Rowlf:
I think it's on the bus.

Kermit:
How are we supposed to cut through the bars if nobody brought stuff to cut with?

Floyd:
I brought some hot mustard, maybe that will eat through the bars.

Kermit:
[on the plane] Someone's coming.

Fozzie:
Oh, maybe they're bringing hamburgers.

News Editor:
Did you read these headlines? Huh?

[reads newspaper]

News Editor:
"JEWEL HEIST ON MAIN STREET!" And it's nice bold print, isn't it?

Kermit:
Yes, it's very easy to read.

News Editor:
Shut up now.

Kermit:
[sheepish] Sorry.

News Editor:
"Lady Holiday's Jewels Stolen," that's what it says in The Times. And here's The Herald, "Fashion Queen Of London Robbed." And last, but not least

[chuckles]

News Editor:
here's our cute little banner story, "Identical Twins Join The Chronicle Staff." Now I ask you, which would you buy?

Fozzie:
I read the one that has "Dear Abby".

News Editor:
OH!

[News Editor pounds fist into desk in frustration, causing Gonzo to jump with fright up to a light fixture]

Fozzie:
[pleading] We'll do better next time.

News Editor:
Next time? Next time!

[pounds fist into desk]

News Editor:
What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?

Kermit:
Well, if there isn't it's gonna be a real short movie.

Kermit:
[on the plane to England] I think I'll read for a while. [turns on his light and looks around] Uh, I wish I had a book.

Gonzo:
[going over the Thames] What's the name of this river?

Kermit:
I don't know.

Fozzie:
I think it's the English river.

Gonzo:
Oh. I'll take a picture of it. Say cheese!

Fozzie:
[Gonzo takes a picture on the bus] Oh, did I get my elbow in the shot?

Gonzo:
Don't worry; it adds human interest.

Fozzie:
But I'm a bear.

Kermit:
[standing outside the Mallory Gallery] How do we get in?

Fozzie:
I suggest we ring the door bell.

Fozzie:
I sure could use something from one or more of the basic food groups.

Gonzo:
[looking at the models] Hubba hubba!

Miss Piggy:
Adios, mon cherie.

Nicky Holiday:
[Lady Holiday's necklace has just been stolen] What do you want me to do? I just spilled ketchup all over my cummerbund.

Dorcas:
What would you buy if you were bored?

Neville:
Uh... a jar of calf's foot jelly.

Miss Piggy:
[at the supper club] Well, what a delightful menu! [Kermit looks at the menu and gasps] What?

Kermit:
[nervously] Oh, hah, nothing, it's just sort of amusing that the roast beef is the same price as an Oldsmobile.

Kermit:
[the Muppets are in a frenzy about Kermit's date] Fozzie, this is all very embarrassing!

Fozzie:
Don't worry Kermit, it won't leave this room.

The Muppet Newsman:
Here is a Muppet newsflash! Kermit the Frog to date Lady Holiday! Details at 11.

Fozzie:
Hey, Kermit, I'm getting hungry.

Gonzo:
Call room service.

Kermit:
There's no phone.

Rizzo the Rat:
That's OK, there's no food, either.

Kermit:
[he, Fozzie, and Gonzo are stuck in the bed, which has closed into the wall; Kermit talks muffled] Could somebody turn out the light?

[bulb switches off as it drops to the floor]

Kermit:
Thank you.

Kermit:
But... Nicky, why are you doing this?

Nicky Holiday:
Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain. It's pure and simple.

Kermit:
Piggy? Piggy, you're overacting.

Miss Piggy:
What?

Kermit:
You're overacting. You're hamming it up!

Miss Piggy:
I am not! I am trying to save this movie.

Kermit:
Yeah, well save your performance instead!

Miss Piggy:
Well, as you can see from this small sampling, modeling is my life. It is my destiny, I shall accept nothing less.

Lady Holiday:
I can offer you a job as a receptionist.

Miss Piggy:
[jumping up and down and shouting] AAAAAAAHHHHH! I'll take it! I'll take it! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, you won't be sorry, I promise. I can type, I can take shorthand, I can make coffee, I can do it all!

Lady Holiday:
Sit.

[Miss Piggy immediately sits down and calms herself]

Miss Piggy:
I can sit. I'm very good at sitting.

Sam the Eagle:
It's times like these, I'm proud to be an American.

Gonzo:
Photography's an art. You gotta have the right film, you gotta have the right exposure, and you gotta scream just before they get the food to their mouth.

[last lines]

Gonzo:
Wait a minute! Hold it right there. Don't go home yet. [holds up his camera] Say cheese! [takes a picture and the screen goes black] I'll send you each a copy.

[going over the checklist]

Fozzie:
Peanut butter?

Floyd:
Animal ate it.

Animal:
Sorry!

Kermit:
Excuse me.

Pops:
[awakes from his nap abruptly] What?

Kermit:
We'd like a room.

Pops:
Really?

Kermit:
Yeah, we'd like to check in.

Pops:
Somebody's checking in!

[dings his service bell]

Happiness Hotel Guests:
[emerging from their rooms] SOMEBODY'S CHECKING IN?

Pops:
[after Beauregard crashes his cab into the Happiness Hotel] You can never find a cab when you need one.

Fozzie:
[drinking champagne] You know, if you put enough sugar in this stuff, it tastes just like ginger ale.

Lady Holiday:
Nicky, that's my new secretary dancing out there.

Nicky Holiday:
Which one?

Lady Holiday:
The pig.

Fozzie:
[going over a checklist] Wax lips?

Zoot:
Aw man, I just had 'em.

Dr. Teeth:
Did you leave 'em in your other pants?

Zoot:
I don't have no other pants.

Fozzie:
[going back to the checklist] Yo-yo?

Janice:
Fer sure.

[First lines]

Kermit:
[In a hot air balloon] Pretty nice up here, isn't it?

Fozzie:
Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning?

Gonzo:
That'd be neat.

Kermit:
Listen, nothing's gonna happen. These are just the opening credits.

Fozzie:
Oh. Where are they?

[Title card appears]

Fozzie:
Wow!

Kermit:
The Great Muppet Caper.

Fozzie:
Nice title.

Gonzo:
I wonder how far you could plummet before you blacked out.

Kermit:
Uh, don't try it, Gonzo. We need you for this movie.

Gonzo:
Sure is tempting.

[Statler and Waldorf are watching a fashion show]

Statler:
Nice lines!

Waldorf:
Yeah! And the dresses aren't bad either!

Kermit:
Now, we're about to embark on a potentially dangerous mission. There could be physical violence, there could be gunplay, and there is the slightest chance that somebody might even get killed. So if anybody wants out, now is the time to say it.

Floyd:
I'm out.

Rowlf:
Me too.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Ditto.

Beaker:
Meep meep.

Zoot:
Hey, don't we have a gig around here, or something, or somewhere?

Pops:
Sorry, I got a dental appointment.

Janice:
It's like this, Kermit, I have to go to work all day...

[everyone starts talking at once]

Fozzie:
[shouting] Hold it! [everyone stops talking] Shame on you! I thought we were in this thing together. I'm just as scared as you are, but this has to be done! We don't want the bad guys to win. We gotta do this f-f-for justice! For freedom! For honesty!

Kermit:
[shouting] Uh, taxi! Taxi! [to Fozzie] I don't know why the cabs won't stop.

Gonzo:
Just leave it to me. [throws himself in front of a cab] Taxi!

Kermit, Fozzie:
Aaaaahhh!

[the cab stops]

Kermit:
Uh, that's very effective.

Gonzo:
Yeah, it's great when it works!

Miss Piggy:
[rides on a motorcycle] I'm coming, Kermie!

[the police chase her as the sirens get her attention]

Miss Piggy:
[to the audience] Well, you wanted excitement.