The Jerk Theory

Clinton:
Wait. Isn't Ricky Martin Cuban?

Adam Dynes:
There's only one thing girls want more than professional athletes - rock stars.

Honest Girl:
Nobody will be, like, honest with me like you will. Are we really over?

Adam Dynes:
Honestly... you're kind of slutty and annoying - but I'll call you if I ever get lonely.

Honest Girl:
You're irresistible.

Adam Dynes:
Okay, look, I don't care if you do like her. You just went out with her last night. You do not call her for four days.

Chester:
Come on...

Adam Dynes:
Not-not-not four days, all right? After four days you don't call her, she'll be excited.

Molly Taylor:
We're OVER, Marc. I can't believe you talked me into this.

Marc Dixon:
You can't do this to me today. It's game day.

Father Bailey:
Okay, perverts, I got it. Get a haircut, kid.

Clinton:
Is it true nuns are married to God?

Father Bailey:
Yes. Yes, nuns have taken a vow of celibacy.

Clinton:
Didn't YOU?

Father Bailey:
Yes. Yes, I did.

Clinton:
So, are you married to God, too?

Father Bailey:
I think I know where you're going with this, Clifford, and I... I-I'm not gay. And neither's God. Ask Sister Vasquez. Of course, you know, the wife's usually the last one to find out.

Dudley:
Cooking butt-biscuits and pulling the covers over your head is NOT an intestinal disorder.

Molly Taylor:
Do lines like that usually work?

Adam Dynes:
B'ah... Well, I've... I've experienced a fair amount of success with them, yes.

Adam Dynes:
She seems like a good time.

Molly Taylor:
Yeah, your delivery was fine, but it's the sincerity that was lacking. See ya later.

Danny Bonaduce:
I'm here for a couple of reasons. One, I'm here to make up for a few hours of community service that I ACCIDENTALLY overlooked, but also I'm here 'cause I'm sure a few of you have heard that I've had problems in my past relationships due to alcohol, drugs, anger management issues, steroids, infidelity, and my inability to tell a transvestite from an actual woman.

Dudley:
Ever take a dump naked?

Chester:
I sleep naked.

Dudley:
It's liberating.

Adam Dynes:
Ah, good to hear the usual intellectual banter.

Molly Taylor:
Tell me this is a coincidence.

Adam Dynes:
No, no, it's penance.

Adam Dynes:
So, what's your favorite animal?

Molly Taylor:
My favorite mammal is the dolphin. I got to swim with them last year in Hawaii.

Adam Dynes:
You know, the dolphin is the only animal to actually, uh...

Molly Taylor:
...have sex for fun? I know.

Adam Dynes:
That's why they're in my top five.

Darcy:
Why don't you love me?

Chester:
Shh. I love everybody.

Darcy:
Why don't you love me differently? Is it because I like to look in your window and watch you sleep? Because I thought we had moved past that.

Darcy:
As soon as you're ready to board this crazy-train, you let me know. You let me KNOW!

Chester:
I get so nervous around that girl. Why is that?

Adam Dynes:
Hm. Grow a pair, will you?

Adam Dynes:
You're the most amazing girl I've ever met, so, um, tonight I thought we could get a little closer.

Molly Taylor:
Adam, we've talked about this.

Adam Dynes:
Yeah, that's all we ever do is talk about it. I think I've been really patient with you.

Molly Taylor:
Patient? You think you've been "patient" with me?

Jerry:
That was different, but... You've shown me attitude and humor, and now anger, but you've never shown your soul. I just don't see enough to sign you guys.

Cynthia Swensen:
Why do I get the feeling that there's three of us in the car?

Amy:
So, how is it, um, dating a block of wood?

Adam Dynes:
[in the confessional] Father, do you ever wonder what it would be like to have a normal life?

Father Bailey:
If by "normal life" you mean finding my soulmate, falling in love, and she's kind and nurturing and she loves me just as much as I love her, in spite of my flaws, and we get married and have children, and... and I coach my son's baseball team and one day walk my daughter down the aisle - they have kids and so we're grandparents - and then we retire early and I buy one of those huge RV's, like at least a sixty-footer, with satellite TV, and we travel around the whole country together... no, I... I've never thought of that. Besides, I have you kids to take care of. So, what's up?

Clinton:
[dressed gayly and getting hit on by a guy] Scram, loser. I'm as straight as they come.

Bartender:
Sure you are, yummy boy.

Clinton:
This closet's closed.