The Last Starfighter

Alex Rogan:
There's gotta be a perfectly logical explanation for all this.

Alex Rogan:
[to an alien] I'm sorry, it was an accident. I didn't mean to step on your, uh, whatever that is.

Alex Rogan:
Terrific. I'm about to get killed a million miles from nowhere with a gung-ho iguana who tells me to relax.

Alex Rogan:
[to Grig] Maybe there is a Starfighter left.

Centauri:
[voice in video game] Greetings, Starfighter. You have been recruited by the Star League to defend the Frontier against Xur and the Ko-dan Armada.

Centauri:
I must congratulate you on your virtuoso performance, my boy. Centauri is impressed. I've seen 'em come, and I've seen 'em go, but you're the best, my boy. Dazzling! Light years ahead of the competition! Centauri's got a little proposition for you. Are ya interested?

Centauri:
Alex, I want you to know that it was for the greatest good that I brought you back. Of course... it never hurts to be rich. [dies]

Grig:
Up to your old Excalibur tricks again, eh, Centauri? Did it ever occur to you that it is against the law to recruit from worlds outside the Star League?

Grig:
[After the stunned residents of the trailer park see Grig and Alex land the Gunstar] You should be proud of Alex, Mrs. Rogan. You must all be proud of him. He saved the Star League and hundreds of worlds, including Earth.

Enduran:
Victory or death!

Maggie Gordon:
I love you, Alex Rogan.

Louis Rogan:
[as Alex's ship lands on his return to Earth] Woo! All right! We're being invaded!

Jane Rogan:
Oh, Alex, I always knew you'd leave someday, but I never expected this.

Alex Rogan:
Otis, I just never had a chance to have a good time around here.

Otis:
Things change. Always do. You'll get your chance! Important thing is, when it comes, you gotta grab it with both hands and hold on tight!

Alex Rogan:
The truth is you're scared of leaving this trailer park.

Maggie Gordon:
I'm not scared of leaving this trailer park, Alex.

Alex Rogan:
Hey, listen. Whatever happens, it's you and me forever, right? Right?

Maggie Gordon:
I love you so much, Alex.

Alex Rogan:
I'll always love you, Maggs.

Louis:
[derisively] Diarrhea!

Centauri:
Hello. Excuse me, son.

Alex Rogan:
Store's closed, mister.

Centauri:
I'm not here for cigarettes or bubble gum, my boy. Can you tell me the name of the person who broke the record on that game over there, and where I might find him?

Alex Rogan:
Alex Rogan, and you're lookin' at him.

Centauri:
Alex Rogan. [laughs]

Alex Rogan:
Who are you?

Centauri:
Centauri's the name. I invented Starfighter, which is why I'm here.

Alex Rogan:
It is?

Centuari:
It is. We have to talk about a matter of utmost importance [gestures toward the back seat of his car] Step into my office.

Centauri:
The amusing thing about this is, it's all a big mistake. That particular Starfighter game was supposed to be delivered to Vegas, not some flea-speck trailer park in the middle of tumbleweeds and tarantulas. So it must be fate, destiny, blind chance, luck even, that brings us together. And as the poet said, "the rest is history."

Alex Rogan:
Where are you going? Where are you taking me?

Centauri:
I told you, I want to save it for a surprise. Hey, are you kind of kid who reads the last page of a mystery first? Who pesters the magician to tell you his tricks? Who sneaks downstairs to peek at his Christmas presents? No, of course you're not. [singsong voice] That's why I'm not gonna tell you!

Alex Rogan:
Oh, God.

Centauri:
Besides, I just love surprises, don't you?

Rylan Bursar:
[disgustedly] Rrrr... E sanchay!

Centauri:
E sanchay! Onee mat swella! Preeta! Preeta!

Alex Rogan:
Centauri, what's going on?

Centauri:
He's just saying how delighted he is that you are here, and if there's anything that he can do to make your stay more enjoyable, just give him a ring.

Alex Rogan:
My stay! What are you talking about? Where are we?

Centauri:
Welcome to Rylos, my boy!

Alex Rogan:
Rylos! Wait a minute... you mean, you mean... like in the game?

Centauri:
Oh, he's quick! He's quick! He's very quick! He's speechless! So long, Alex! Have fun! May the luck of the Seven Pillars of Gulu be with you at all times. [muttering] Oh, someday these cheapskates will thank Centauri, trust me. [out loud] BOOLA!

Rylan Bursar:
Return the money, Centauri.

Centauri:
Return the money?! Are you delirious?! Do you know how long it took to invent the games? To merchandise them? To get them in the stores by Christmas?

Grig:
It must be terribly embarrassing for you and I do sympathize, however--

Centauri:
But I saw him fight! He could be the greatest Starfighter ever!

Alex Rogan:
That was just a game, Centauri!

Centauri:
A game! Well, you may have thought it was a game - but it was also a test! Aha, a test! Sent out across the universe to find those with the gift to be Starfighters. And here you are, my boy! Here you are!

Alex Rogan:
Right, here I am, about to be killed!

Centauri:
Killed! You don't seriously think it's dangerous, do you? Don't be silly! Trust me!

Xur:
[on image] Yes, Father. Your mighty Frontier grows weaker by the moment.

Enduran:
Do not call me father! You are no longer my son! You are an outcast! Why have you returned?

Xur:
I have returned for the good of all Rylans.

Enduran:
With an armada of Ko-Dan warships behind you?

Xur:
There are some Rylans who would welcome me, Father.

Enduran:
Star League justice put down your Xurian cult! Your followers are few and scattered!

Xur:
[angry] Star League?! A refuge for weak worlds not worthy to be our equals!

Enduran:
That is for the Rylans to decide! And not for a dangerous and evil child such as yourself!

Xur:
And yet, it is this child who caught your master spy!

Xur:
Hear me, Rylans! When the green moon of Galan is eclipsed, Ko-Dan Armada will invade! And not ever your mighty Starfighters will be able to save you!

Enduran:
[defiantly] We shall see, Xur! We shall see!

[Xur laughs evilly as his image fades]

Centauri:
[laughs, to Alex] You still want to go? And miss all the excitement? [mutters to himself, in the Starcar on the way back to Earth] Little brat! I invent the game, find the kid, drag him up there and he doesn't want to be a Starfighter, I give up!

Ko-Dan Officer:
[aside, to Lord Kril] How long must we endure this fool?

Ko-Dan Controller:
We have a break in the Frontier

Lord Kril:
Fire the meteor gun!

Xur:
My dear Ko-dan friends, lest we forget! It was your own emperor who granted me command of this armada. For only I hold the secret to the Frontier. Only I know the location of the Starfighter base. And therefore, only I will give the order to fire!

Lord Kril:
Forgive me, Xur.

Xur:
[smirks] You are forgiven, Commander Kril. Meteor gunner... fire!

[He does so, destroying the Starfighter base]

Xur:
At last, it is done! Soon the Frontier will be down, and they will bow to their new emperor! Or I will darken the sky with their ashes.

[Beta places his head on Alex's desk to make repairs]

Louis Rogan:
[startled] Alex, what the hell's going on?!

Beta:
Louis, you are having a terrible nightmare. Go back to sleep.

Centauri:
Alex, Alex! You're walking away from history! History! Did Chris Columbus say he wanted to stay home? No! What if the Wright Brothers thought that only birds should fly? And did Galoka think that the Yulus were too ugly to save?

Alex Rogan:
[confused] Who's Galoka?

Centauri:
[realizing his mistake] Never mind.

Alex Rogan:
Listen, Centauri. I'm not any of those guys, I'm a kid from a trailer park.

Centauri:
If that's what you think, then that's all you'll ever be!

Alex Rogan:
[calling out] Maggie! You're never going to believe this!

Maggie Gordon:
[slaps him, angrily] I told you, Alex! Me and my- how did you put it- "strange sexual urges" aren't talking to you anymore!

Alex Rogan:
[shocked] Hey, you look like me!

Beta:
Of course I do. I'm a beta unit.

Alex Rogan:
What the hell is a beta unit?!

Beta:
A beta unit is a simuloid. An exact duplicate of you, only not as loud.

Alex Rogan:
Huh????

Beta:
I was in the Starcar, remember? We shook hands. I became you, unfortunately.

Alex Rogan:
Let me get this straight, you're a robot?

Beta:
I beg your pardon. I'm a state-of-the-art, top-of-the-line beta unit, put here as a courtesy replacement for while you are away. Lucky me. Wait a minute... what are you doing back?!

Alex Rogan:
Are you kidding? It's war up there!

Beta:
Oh, save the whales, but not the universe, huh?

Alex:
Why don't you go up there and fight?

Beta :
Simuloids can't fight, we're not allowed.

Alex Rogan:
What did you do to Maggie?!

Beta:
Do to her?! We were looking up at the stars and she sticks her tongue in my ear. I screamed. I'll apologize to her tomorrow, okay?

Alex Rogan:
You're not gonna be here. You're going back to Centauri right now!

Louis Rogan:
[trying to sleep, angry] What's up, Alex?

Alex Rogan:
Back to sleep, Louis, or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!

Beta:
[as Alex is walking out] You're blowing it, Alex.

Louis Rogan:
[looks down from the bed, shocked] What the sh*t?!

Beta:
[imitating Alex] I said back to sleep, Louis, or I'm telling Mom about your Playboys!

Beta:
Good luck, Alex.

Alex Rogan:
You too... Alex.

Alex Rogan:
[as they prepare to launch] Wait a minute... when did the hanger go up?

Grig:
I told you, when Xur attacked!

Alex Rogan:
And where were the Starfighters?

Grig:
In the hanger!

Alex Rogan:
You mean they're dead?

Grig:
[scoffs] Death is a primitive concept; I prefer to think of them as battling evil, in another dimension!

Alex Rogan:
In another dimension? How many are left?

Grig:
Including yourself?

Alex Rogan:
Yeah!

Grig:
One!

Alex Rogan:
ONE?!

[The Gunstar takes off]

Alex Rogan:
Hold it! There's no fleet, no Starfighters, no plan? One ship, you, me and that's it?

Grig:
Exactly! Xur thinks you're still on Earth. Classic military strategy: surprise attack.

Alex Rogan:
It'll be a slaughter!

Grig:
That's the spirit!

Alex Rogan:
No, MY slaughter! One ship against the whole armada?

Grig:
Yes, one Gunstar against the armada. I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against incredible odds.

Maggie Gordon:
Alex in space? Is this for real?

Beta:
Yes! That's what I'm trying to tell you - it's ALL for real.

Maggie Gordon:
Well, then don't talk, DRIVE!

Beta:
There he is. When I get the signal, we're gonna jump, okay?

Maggie Gordon:
What do you mean jump?

Beta:
We're gonna ram him.

Maggie Gordon:
[shocked] What?

Beta:
Are you ready? Jump!

Maggie Gordon:
Alex! [jumps off the truck]

Beta:
[grimly smiling] You owe me one, Alex. [sacrifices himself]

Ko-dan Officer:
Commander Kril, we're getting a signal on the alert frequency.

Lord Kril:
Acknowledge.

Ko-dan Officer:
Extermination Emissary Zeta Six, one message. "The last Starfighter..." Transmission pulsars have stopped, Commander.

Lord Kril:
The last Starfighter...

Xur:
[confidently] Is dead! The last Starfighter is dead! Nothing can stop us now! Ahead full to Rylos!

Alex Rogan:
This reminds you of home???? [they are inside an asteriod, hiding from the armada]

Grig:
Aaah yes, I live below ground with my wifeoid and six thousand little Griglings. At least, until Xur turns them into slaves. Where does your kind live?

Alex Rogan:
In houses, mostly, that's caves above ground. I live in a mobile home.

Grig:
What is that?

Alex Rogan:
It is like a cave that goes places. Only we never went anywhere.

Grig:
A mobile cave that never went anywhere. Fascinating.

Grig:
Remember, Death Blossom delivers only one massive volley at close range, theoretically.

Alex Rogan:
What do you mean "theoretically"?

Grig:
After all, D.B. has never been tested. It might overload the systems, blow up the ship!

Alex Rogan:
What are you worried about, Grig? Theoretically, we should already be dead!

Grig:
[shrugs and chortles, confirming Alex's last comment was probably true] Open Death Blossom petals, switch is on.

Alex Rogan:
We did it.

Grig:
Yes, we actually did, didn't we?

Alex Rogan:
The command ship!

Lord Kril:
Damage report!

Ko-dan Officer:
Guidance system out. Auxiliary system out.

Lord Kril:
Divert! Divert!

Ko-dan Officer:
She won't answer the helm! We're locked into the moon's gravitation pull. What do we do?

Lord Kril:
[his eyepiece swings over left eye] We die.

Alex Rogan:
Centauri, I thought you were dead!

Centauri:
Me, die? And miss all the excitement? [laughs] No, I was merely dormant while my body repaired itself. No, I won't bore you with details. Suffice it to say, you're on Rylos, my boy. Stop thinking human, that's lesson number one. [leans in] Lesson number two: You've got a good thing going here. Keep smiling, don't blow it. Lesson number three: Always trust Centauri.

Jane Rogan:
[gestering to Alex's ship, shocked] Alex, what is all this?

Alex Rogan:
I, uh, I've been to another planet, Ma.

Grig:
You must be Louis. I hear good things about you.

Louis Rogan:
Hear that, you slimes? I'm famous!

Maggie Gordon:
[as Alex is leaving, she is unsure if she should go with him] Granny?

Granny Gordon:
[nods] Be sure to write... or whatever it is they do up there.

Maggie Gordon:
[kisses Granny] Alex! Wait, Alex! [runs and joins him on his ship]

In his wildest dreams, Alex never suspected that tonight, he would become... The Last Starfighter.

Alex Rogan is a small town teenager with big time dreams. Dreams of college... of success... of marrying his girlfriend, Maggie. He's just like everybody else, except Alex has a very special talent... that no one on Earth can appreciate. But tonight, a mysterious stranger has called on Alex. He's come from a galaxy that's under attack from an alien force. And Alex's unique ability is their last hope.

He didn't find his dreams... his dreams found him.

He's got the extraordinary chance at the dream of a lifetime.

Xur:
[admiring his scepter] Just like your Ko-Dan Emperor's, isn't it, Commander Kril?

Lord Kril:
It takes more than a scepter to rule, Xur. Even on Rylos.

Xur:
You're right, Kril. It does take more than a scepter.

[Xur springs the bayonet from the scepter in front of Kril's face, maniacal laughing to himself as he walks away]

Ko-Dan Officer:
[aside, to Lord Kril] How long must we endure this fool?

Ko-Dan Controller:
We have a break in the Frontier

Lord Kril:
Fire the meteor gun!

Xur:
My dear Ko-dan friends, lest we forget! It was your own emperor who granted me command of this armada. For only I hold the secret to the Frontier. Only I know the location of the Starfighter base. And therefore, only I will give the order to fire!

Lord Kril:
Forgive me, Xur.

Xur:
[smirks] You are forgiven, Commander Kril. Meteor gunner... fire!

[He does so, destroying the Starfighter base]

Xur:
At last, it is done! Soon the Frontier will be down, and they will bow to their new emperor! Or I will darken the sky with their ashes.

Ko-Dan Officer:
Commander, Xurian spy reports that one starfighter has escaped.

Xur:
Escaped?!

[angry, Xur springs the bayonet from his scepter]

Ko-dan Officer:
Unidentified craft.

Lord Kril:
What is it?! [takes a look at the computer scanner and he recognizes a familiar ship] Wait...

Xur:
Gunstar?!! [Lord Kril and the Ko-dan officer look at Xur] But...but that's impossible! We destroyed them all!!

Lord Kril:
[finally realizes the truth] So...the last Starfighter is dead. This has gone far enough! [to the Ko-dan guards] Seize him!!

Xur:
How dare you do this?! I am the emperor of Rylos!! I, and I alone, command this entire arm—! [the Ko-dan guards seize him and remove him from the bridge] Release me! I command you! You will pay for this!!!

Lord Kril:
All guns, fire!!

[Beta places his head on Alex's desk to make repairs]

Louis Rogan:
[startled] Alex, what the hell's going on?!

Beta:
Louis, you are having a terrible nightmare. Go back to sleep.

Louis:
Alex, your head...

Beta:
I said back to sleep Louis, or I am telling Mom about your Playboys!