The League

Andre:
What do you mean, there are different levels of friendship?

Taco:
Yeah, definitely.

Ruxin:
Look, there's the United Nations, then there's the Security Council, okay? [Motions to the whole group of Pete, Kevin, Taco, Andre and himself] United Nations... [points to Pete and Kevin] Security Council. [Points to Andre] GHANA.

Andre:
See, I told you Ruxin would wreck the weekend

Pete:
Wrecked? The guy took a punch in the face from Antonio Gates, put it up!

Ruxin:
Well actually I slapped him and then fell running away, but...

Kevin:
Hey, counts!

Claire:
[Pete has invited Andre to go with him on a pre-paid couples weekend originally planned for Pete and Meegan's Anniversary] Welcome to the Lark Meadow Hotel and Spa, you checking in?

Pete:
Yea, Pete Eckhart.

Claire:
Ok, let's see... ahhh, Happy Anniversary Mr. Eckhart.

Pete:
Thank you very much.

Claire:
Congratulations to you both.

Andre:
Oh, thank you.

Claire:
Looks like we have a lot of romantic activities planned for you, um starting with a romantic dinner for two in a private dining room, followed by our candlelight couple's massage. Um, how long have you been together?

Andre:
Fifteen years.

Rafi:
[about a pinball machine in a bar] They're kind of just asking for an accused situation, though, you know?

Dirty Randy:
What's that?

Rafi:
The Accused? The movie?

Dirty Randy:
I've never heard of that.

Rafi:
What? Oh my God, dude it's only, like, the greatest romantic comedy ever made.

Dirty Randy:
I love romantic comedies!

Rafi:
It's like Sleepless in Seattle meets The Proposal meets non-consensual sex.

Dirty Randy:
Who's in it?

Rafi:
Oh my God, that dude. Um, Jodie Foster!

Dirty Randy:
He's my favorite actor!

Rafi:
He's so good in it too!

Kevin:
I've taken dumps before... it's fun, you take a picture of it, you send it out to your friends... you don't pick it up and whip it around your head like a churro!

Andre:
You better be careful m'lady, 'cuz Jack the Ripper's slicing up losers.

Andre:
Where were you at, man?

Taco:
I was just having sex with some girl in a Prius. I love having sex in Priuses, 'cause you're not only having sex, you're saving the environment too.

Taco:
Hey come to think of it, Tiffany's actually my Eskimo sister too, she's Bi.

Pete:
You don't ever think about divorce?

Ruxin:
I've thought about it, but I'd never do it.

Pete:
Why, do you have a moral stipulation...?

Ruxin:
Nah. If Sophia and I split up, 50% of my time, I would have to spend 100% of my time with my kid. Right now, I'm rocking, like, 50% coverage 30% of my time. You cannot beat those numbers. Also, if we got a divorce, she would get half of my money, making me ostensibly poor, yet still paying her to just get pounded by other dudes, which will happen, because she is still smoking hot, whereas I look like a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew.

Pete:
Wow, you have crunched the numbers on this one, my friend.

Taco:
It's your birthday today, what could that mean, I guess I'll try to explain, that five years ago on this day it was the first time your parents saw your beautiful face.??And 9 months before that magical day, your dad prolly took your mom out on a date, and they were having a good time.??Happy Birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday.??And when they got home they were horny as hell and your dad threw your mom down on the bed, and he tore her panties off and his wee wee was hard as a rock.??And at this point your mom wanted to give your dad head, but your dad also wanted to give your mom head, so they formed a 69 and your mom came atleast 3 times.??And then your dad was so excited to get inside your mom that he forgot to put a condom on...

Andre:
Right after graduation, you guys rolled me my first joint. That's it. I kept it. I got crazy high.

Kevin:
Ruxin, you told me you told him!

Ruxin:
I never told him, how do you tell someone that? Do you know what is in that joint?

Andre:
Weed!

Kevin:
No, not weed. Our pubic hair.

Rafi:
I'm day drunk, get ready to see my dick!

Ruxin:
[after being caught looking at an attractive female while at dinner with his wife] No, first of all, I couldn't see down her cleavage from this angle. Second of all, I was looking at her 'cuz I look at everyone, because I as you know am a keen observer of the human experience, right? I'm like a Ken Burns documentary. If anything I was checking her out to see how you stacked up and let me tell you, you just won. This is like the Final Four ok, so you just passed through that bracket and now you're playing Syracuse, which is that surprisingly fit 40 year old a couple booths back.

Ruxin:
[Ruxin washing his hands in what he believes is a sink, in walks an old man who begins urinating where Ruxin is washing his hands] Chinatown urinal, I'm forever unclean!

Taco:
When's Heather getting here?

Andre:
Oh, she can't come. She's eight months pregnant so she can't fly.

Taco:
Oh man, that was gonna be my wedding gift for you!

Andre:
To get my sister pregnant?

Taco:
No. I was gonna not have sex with your sister. I was gonna spare you the awkwardness of knowing that we were rubbing wet spots on your special weekend.

Andre:
Don't... Please don't say wet spots.

Taco:
How did she even get pregnant? She hates it in that hole.