The Madness of King George

Warren:
One may produce a copious, regular evacuation every day of the week and still be a stranger to reason.

Prince of Wales:
To be Prince of Wales is not a position - it is a predicament.

George III:
Six hours of sleep is enough for a man, seven for a woman, and eight for a fool.

George III:
Push off, you fat turd.

George III:
[crudely staring at Lady Pembroke] Fine cluster there, eh?

[to Queen Charlotte, pointing at her bosom]

George III:
Go on. Look. Look. Go on. You might learn something.

[circles around Pembroke]

George III:
Good arse too.

[rubs his behind against hers]

George III:
And warm, eh, I'll bet. Ahh.

George III:
Good evening, Mrs. King.

Queen Charlotte:
Good evening, Mr. King.

Fox:
Do you enjoy all this flummery, Mr. Pitt?

Pitt:
No, Mr. Fox.

Fox:
Do you enjoy anything, Mr. Pitt?

Pitt:
A balance sheet, Mr. Fox. I enjoy a good balance sheet.

[Pitt has given the King some papers to sign]

George III:
What is this? America, I suppose.

Pitt:
No, sir.

George III:
Oh, America's not to be spoken of, is that it?

Pitt:
For your peace of mind, sir. But it's not America.

George III:
Peace of mind! I have no peace of mind. I've had no peace of mind since we lost America. Forests, old as the world itself... meadows... plains... strange delicate flowers... immense solitudes... and all nature new to art... all ours... Mine. Gone. A paradise... lost.

[the King is reading his speech at the State Opening of Parliament]

George III:
Whereas we, George III, in this year of our Lord 1788, do open this Parliament, giving notice that our will and pleasure is that the following bills shall be laid before this House. A bill for the regulation of trade with our possessions in North America...

[There is a reproving cough from Thurlow]

George III:
Our *former* possessions in North America...

Thurlow:
The cork's too tight in the bottle, that's the trouble. He must be the first King of England not to have a mistress.

Pitt:
Fifteen children seem to me to indicate a certain conscientiousness in that regard.

Thurlow:
I'm talking of pleasure, not duty.

Pitt:
I used to sit with my father when he was ill. I used to read him Shakespeare.

Dr. Willis:
I have never read Shakespeare. [Pitt and Thurlow stare at him in shock] I am a clergyman.

Queen Charlotte:
Come on, smile and wave. That's what you get paid for. Smile and wave.

George III:
What of the colonies, Mr. Pitt?

Pitt:
America is now a nation, sir.

George III:
Is it? Well. We must try and get used to it. I have known stranger things. I once saw a sheep with five legs...

Fitzroy:
To be kind does not commend you to kings. They see it, as they see any flow of feeling, as a liberty. A blind eye will serve you better.

Dr. Willis:
If the King refuses food, He will be restrained. If He claims to have no appetite, He will be restrained. If He swears and indulges in MEANINGLESS DISCOURSE... He will be restrained. If He throws off his bed-clothes, tears away His bandages, scratches at His sores, and if He does not strive EVERY day and ALWAYS towards His OWN RECOVERY... then He must be restrained.

George III:
I am the King of England.

Dr. Willis:
NO, sir. You are the PATIENT.

Dr. Willis:
I have You in my eye, sir. And I shall KEEP You in my eye until You learn to behave and do as You're told.

George III:
I am the King. I tell, I am not TOLD. I am the VERB, sir, not the OBJECT.

George III:
By your dress, sir, and general demeanor, I'd say you were a minister of God.

Dr. Willis:
Oh, that's true, Your Majesty, I was once in the service of the Church. Now I practice medicine.

George III:
Well, I'm sorry for it. You've quitted a profession I've always loved and embraced one I most heartily DETEST.

Dr. Willis:
Our Savior went about healing the sick.

George III:
Yes... but He had not seven hundred pounds a year for it. [laughs] Well, that's not bad for a madman.

George III:
When felons were induced to talk, they were shown first the instruments of their torture. The King is shown the instrument of His... to induce Him NOT to talk...

Thurlow:
The Prince of Wales cannot marry without the King's consent and he CANNOT marry a Catholic. You performed an illegal ceremony.

Clergyman:
[indignantly] And they only give me ten pound for it.

Thurlow:
Here's another ten pounds. Keep this to yourself.

[He gives the clergyman money and starts tearing the page from the register]

Clergyman:
Here, you can't do that, it's against the law.

Thurlow:
I *am* the law.

Footman:
The government is still in bed.

George III:
[to William Pitt] You'll have to speak up, I don't see very well.

Thurlow:
[to Dr. Willis] King Lear; do you think that is wise?

Dr. Willis:
I did not know what the play was about.

George III:
What's happened to Mr. Fox?

[Pitt arches one eyebrow significantly]

George III:
Such a dodger. Reform! And too many ideas. Not like you, Mr. Pitt. You don't have ideas.

[Pitt grits his teeth]

Pitt:
We consider ourselves blessed in our constitution. We tell ourselves our Parliament is the envy of the world. But we live in the health and well-being of the sovereign as much as any vizier does the Sultan.

[Pitt exits]

Thurlow:
[to Dundas] The Sultan orders it better. He has the son and heir strangled.

Fox:
God rot all royals! Give us the wisdom of America!

Prince of Wales:
Assaulted by both one's parents in the same evening! What *is* family life coming to?

Fox:
You see that the King did not write his own speech, Mr. Pitt.

Pitt:
The King will do as he's told, Mr. Fox.

Fox:
Then why not be rid of him? If a few ramshackle colonists in America can send him packing, why can't we?

Prince of Wales:
Do you like music, Warren?

Warren:
[tonelessly] If it's played, sir, I listen to it.

Thurlow:
[referring to the Prince of Wales] It takes character to withstand the rigours of indolence.

George III:
[behind his piss-pot, struggling] Do it, England, do it!

Prince of Wales:
[pointing to medal] What's that one?

Duke of York:
Oh, I found out the other day that I'm Bishop of Osnabruck. [pause] Amazing what one is, really.

[Margaret Nicholson has attempted unsuccessfully to kill the King]

Margaret Nicholson:
I have a property due to me from the Crown of England!

George III:
The poor creature's mad. No, do not hurt her, she has not hurt me.

Margaret Nicholson:
Give me my property or the country will be drenched in blood!

George III:
Will it indeed, madam?

[He picks up her extremely small knife]

George III:
Well, not with this. It's a fruit knife, wouldn't cut a cabbage.

Greville:
No, I... I cannot do it ma'am. Besides, if Her Majesty sees him, he-he-he-he still utters such improprieties.

Lady Pembroke:
About what?

Greville:
About... uh... about you madam.

Lady Pembroke:
Tell me.

Greville:
I cannot say.

Lady Pembroke:
What is it His Majesty dreams of doing, Mr.Greville, hmm? Is it this?

Greville:
Please madam.

Lady Pembroke:
This?

Greville:
Ooh!

Lady Pembroke:
Or this?

George III:
[Signs document] Married yet, Mr. Pitt, what what?

Pitt:
No, sir.

George III:
[Blows excess pounce off document] Got your eye on anybody then, hey?

Pitt:
No, sir.

George III:
[Holds out document, which Pitts retrieves while handing the king another one] A man should marry - yes, yes. [Looks at new document] Best thing I ever did. And children, you see, children. Great comfort, of course. [Indicates paper] This fellow we're putting in as professor at Oxford - was his father Canon of Westminster?

Pitt:
I've no idea, sir.

George III:
Yes! Yes. Phillips. That's the father, this is the son. And the daughter married the organist at Norwich Cathedral. Sharpe. Yes, and their son is the painter. And the other son is a master at Eton. And he married somebody's niece.

Pitt:
Your Majesty's knowledge of even the lowliest of your appointments never ceases to astonish me. [the king laughs as he signs the document]

George III:
No life is without its regrets yet none is without its consolations.

George III:
[after his recovery, on seeing his medical bill] Is it any wonder a man goes mad?

Baker:
[shown the King's discoloured urine, evidence of his porphyria] Medicine, young man, is a *science*! It consists of *observation*! Whether a man's water is blue is neither here nor there.

George III:
[walking past a row of bowing courtiers] Elbow people! Knee gentlemen! Bending persons! Hand kissers!