The New Adventures of Winnie the Pooh

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh, bother.

Winnie the Pooh:
I am Winnie the Pooh, but you can call me...

Bruno:
Ah ha ha ha ha! You're killing me. A Pooh named Winnie? Ha ha ha.

Tigger:
Don't look now but I think this ape's 1 banana short of a bunch

Christopher Robin:
Silly old bear.

[the animals are acting out a chess game, and Piglet will be sent to fight a dragon]

Piglet:
[trying to get away] Excuse me. I think my horse is double-parked.

Gopher:
Ah-ah-ah! Doesn't seem so likely since horses haven't been invented yet.

Tigger:
Where's the propeller?

Rabbit:
Tigger, trains don't have propellers. Although it does seem to be missing its rudder.

Rabbit:
How about an alibi?

Winnie the Pooh:
Why thank you, Rabbit, but I'm not sleepy yet.

Tigger:
C'mon! Now's our chance! Let's take the train for a little ring-a-ding spin.

Winnie the Pooh:
But I thought Christopher Robin said not to touch it.

Tigger:
I'm not going to touch the train, I'm gonna touch the controls!

Winnie the Pooh:
But aren't the controls part of the train?

Tigger:
Nah, they don't even know each other.

[the gang is trying to break open a treasure chest by dropping it on a very large anvil]

Piglet:
Where'd it go?

Tigger:
In the basement.

Piglet:
But I don't have a basement.

Tigger:
You do now.

Gopher:
I'll cut him down! Might be painful, but it could hurt a lot, too.

Winnie the Pooh:
If I knew how much you all cared for me, I would've moved away a long time ago!

Tigger:
Help! We're sinking! Abandon ship! Tiggers and tiggers first!

Piglet:
What about piglets?

Tigger:
Umm... it's their duty as captain to go down with the ship.

Piglet:
Oh, dear. In that case, my last act as captain is: Tigger, you're captain.

Tigger:
And as captain of his ship, I proclaim you captain.

Piglet:
No, you are.

Tigger:
No, you.

Tigger:
Head for the hills! Head for the hills!

Winnie the Pooh:
But Tigger, this *is* a hill.

[after a flood]

Tigger:
Gone! Everything I had! Nothing left!

[cries]

Winnie the Pooh:
But Tigger, you didn't have anything.

Tigger:
Say, you're right, kiddo! Save by circumchances.

Rabbit:
I suggest we call a team meeting.

Winnie the Pooh:
But haven't we met each other already?

Rabbit:
[slightly embarrassed] Oh my...

Piglet:
And for the longest time I thought Rabbit didn't like her.

Winnie the Pooh:
Sometimes people care too much. I think it's called love.

Piglet:
Oh... Do you think we should tell Rabbit?

Winnie the Pooh:
No, I believe he already knows.

Piglet:
[while at a wishing well] I wish I had... a penny! [Tosses penny in well] Oh...

[Roo is missing]

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh, I'm sure he's alright. You see, Tigger's with him.

Kanga:
Oh dear! Now I *know* he's in trouble!

Kessie:
Daddy sad?

Rabbit:
Daddy? No, no, no! I'm Rabbit.

Kessie:
Rabbie!

Rabbit:
Rabb-it! Rabb-it!

Tigger:
Hey Kesserino! Before you go, how about a little S.O.T.T.? Smooch on the Tigger!

[Kessie kisses him on the cheek]

Tigger:
Hoohoohoohoohoo! That's what Tiggers love best!

Rabbit:
Have I... hit yet?

Winnie the Pooh:
No Rabbit. Kessie saved you.

Rabbit:
Kessie? But how?

Kessie:
[giggles] I flew Rabbie! [giggles again]

Rabbit:
You what?

Kessie:
Oh yes! Aren't you proud of me?

Tigger:
Yay!

Kessie:
Oh now I can fly south!

Tigger:
Hey that's right you soloed! Oh boy, kiddo! There's nothing holding you down now

Rabbit:
Don't you think I know?

[Rabbit sadly walks away and a deflated Kessie hugs Pooh. Cut to Rabbit's house later in the evening]

Kessie:
Rabbie? Um, Rabbie? Could you read me one last bedtime story?

Rabbit:
You mean... before you... leave?

Kessie:
Oh no, I didn't mean that, I meant...

Rabbit:
You don't need me to read you a bedtime story. You don't need me... for anything.

[Rabbit exits and shuts the door. Kessie sets the book on a table and sits in a rocking chair by the fire, and starts crying]

Winnie the Pooh:
My, Rabbit! You certainly are a friend.

Rabbit:
Indeed, Pooh. Indeed.

Rabbit:
Silly old bear.

Piglet:
Pooh, you saved me. And you got rid of my hiccups!

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh, so that's what was wrong. You had the hiccups. Why didn't you say so?

Piglet:
I couldn't. I had the hiccups.

Winnie the Pooh:
When was that?

Piglet:
When I wasn't saying so.

Winnie the Pooh:
Oh.

Nasty Jack:
You are gonna try and stop me? What ya got in there for brains?

Winnie the Pooh:
Stuffing, actually.

Nasty Jack:
Ya better reach for it, fur face, I got me a quart of ice cream and I'm not afraid to use it

[last lines]

Winnie the Pooh:
On March 16th, Christopher Robin was found guilty of leaving his bed when he shouldn't have, and was places in the custody of his friends. Everything you've seen is a dream. Only the names of the animals have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Winnie the Pooh and friends are interrogated after getting arrested]

Tigger:
Me? It was all Pooh's idea!

Winnie the Pooh:
[scenes will switch back and forth] Uh, the night of the 32nd? I was sleeping... I believe.

Tigger:
Then it was Piglet's idea!

Piglet:
I don't remember a thing; I was young and foolish. I blame society!

Tigger:
Eeyore! Eeyore's the one!

Eeyore:
Might as well confess - got one of those guilty faces anyway.

Tigger:
No, no, it was Tigger! It was Tigger! It was Tig...

[Tigger freezes realizing what he did]

Tigger:
...ger... I want my lawyer!

[scene switches to the animals in court]

The Judge:
I find you guilty of first-degree causing noise! And I'm throwing the book at you!

[the judge does so, literally]

Winnie the Pooh:
It's too bad I can't read.

[a cell door is heard opening]

Christopher Robin:
Oh, no! Stop! Stop! I confess! I confess! I - I left my room and went downstairs, and - and then I went next door to look for the slusher. It was all my fault.

Piglet:
[with the other animals to aid Christopher Robin] I'm certain he can reform if given the chance.

Winnie the Pooh:
He's not a bad boy; he's just a little confused... like me.

Tigger:
Go ahead, pal, throw yourself upon the 'mercenary' of the court.

Christopher Robin:
[goes on his knees] Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm...

[Christopher Robin, who actually dreamed the whole thing, falls off the couch]

[a doorbell is heard]

Tigger:
Gasp! The slusher is back!

Eeyore:
Didn't know slushers use the doorbell.

Tigger:
Oh, yeah, they can be awfully tricky.

[Christopher Robin and the animals go to the door]

Pizza Delivery Guy:
Uh, did anyone order a pizza?

[Christopher Robin goes speechlessly blank]

Christopher Robin's Mother:
Christopher Robin!

Tigger:
[Jumps into the cab of the engine] I am the Tigger with No Name

Pooh:
I am the Pooh with a Name! If only I could remember it [His hat falls over his eyes, he puts it back up] Oh, bother!

Tigger:
Say, how'd you get here so fast?

Pooh:
It's a fantasy.

Tigger:
Say, how do you run this choo-choo? Doesn't look too complicated. [Pooh nods and jestures to the levers. Tigger tries pulling them but nothing happens] Must take that delicatessen touch. [Pooh nods. Tigger picks up a hammer and bangs it on the levers. The train starts moving at a very fast speed]

Piglet:
Oh, Pooh Bear, why did you do it?

Pooh:
I don't know, Piglet. Why did I do it? Um, what exactly is it that I did, exactly?

Rabbit:
You took a train without asking you... you... train robber! Now, how about an alabi?

Pooh:
Why, thank you, Rabbit! But, I'm not sleepy yet.

Piglet:
If you don't confess soon, you'll have to face the... judge.

Gopher:
[Pooh, Rabbit, and Piglet look at the judge, who happens to be Gopher. He is playing a harmonica. In a sing-song voice, he says] And guess who gets to play the judge. [Normal voice] Looks like there's gonna be a swingin'! [Cackles maniacally]

Pooh:
A swinging? Oh, how wonderful! I love to swing!

Piglet:
Oh, d-d-d-dear!

Tigger:
I can't take it! I'm going ster-crazy! I want out! Out I tell ya! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Pooh:
But, Tigger, we've only been in here for five minutes.

Tigger:
Oh, yeah. Seems like six.

Piglet:
[Sniffling] I... I'm disappointed in you, Pooh.

Pooh:
[Allowing Piglet to blow his nose on his shirt] I am, too, Piglet. I shouldn't have done what I did. Even if I didn't know what I did.

Tigger:
Go easy on him, sherrif. I think he ate too much honey and couldn't help himself.

Rabbit:
It's too late for that! You two are going to get just what you deserve! [He points to where Gopher "the Judge" is sitting, playing the harmonica]

Gopher:
Looks like there's gonna be a double swingin' tonight! [Cackles maniacally]

Pooh:
Oh, how wonderful! May I go first?

Tigger:
No! No! I cannot do it! [Getting on his knees] I confess, sherriff! I did it! I took the train! Pooh had nothing to do with it.

Piglet:
You mean Pooh's innocent?

Tigger:
Yes! He told me not to take the train, but I wouldn't listen. He was just a fall-bear in all this.

Piglet:
[Lets Pooh out of jail, and gives him a big hug] Oh, Pooh! I'm so glad you're not a low-down, no-good, lousy train robber!

Pooh:
Why, thank you, Piglet. I'm glad to hear it, too.

Rabbit:
Well, where is the train then? It's not like it could have just gone off by itself! [He hears the train whistle and sees the train coming] On the other hand... [shouting] *Run*!

Tigger:
[to Pooh] What a great idea, Buddy-Bear! We'll hide out. They'll find the train, and we're home free. They'll never find us out here in the high country.

Piglet:
[Bumps into Tigger and Pooh. He is carrying two boxes of ice cream. He sets them down, puts two scoopers in them, and shakes them at Pooh and Tigger] Stick 'em up, outlaws, if you please. I-I've got you covered.

Tigger:
[Whispering, to Pooh] Maybe we should've hid out in the low country.

Rabbit:
No, not dynamite again.

Rabbit:
Your right, better use nitroglycerin. Wait. How about a U2-35?