The Producers

Max:
[TELEVISION EDIT: reading post-show telegrams]..."Congratulations - it's the biggest hit on Broadway!"..."Congratulations - 'Hitler' will run forever!"..."Congratulations..." "Congratulations...!"

Leo:
[looking queasy] Max! Please don't say that word again.

Max:
What word? You mean, Congra--

Leo:
DON'T SAY IT! [calmer] I'm scared that, if I hear it just once more, I'll start getting sick to my stomach and I won't be able to stop. [At that moment, Roger DeBris comes in with a tray of champagne and glasses]

Roger:
CONGRATULATIONS! [Sure enough, Leo whirls and bolts into their office lavatory; we hear him throwing up] Have you seen the lines at the box office? It's a torrent! It's an avalanche! It's the BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY! [Now it's Max's turn to look queasy]

Max:
LEO! MOVE OVER! [He charges into the bathroom; we hear him vomiting, followed by Leo groaning loudly] ...Sorry about that, pal.

Max:
...So, in order for this scheme to work, we'd have to find a surefire flop!

Leo:
[completely changing his tone in mid-sentence] Yes! That's exactly WHAT SCHEME!?

Max:
Why, your scheme, you bloody little genius!

Leo:
I meant no scheme. I merely posed an academic accounting theory. It was just a thought.

Max:
[classic expression] Bloom, worlds are turned on such thoughts.

Leo:
...You say you've found a flop?

Max:
[referring to "Springtime For Hitler"] Oh, no. Calling THIS a flop would be an INSULT to flops. We've found a disaster, an apocalypse, a catastrophe, an outrage, a career-buster, a guaranteed-to-close-before-it-opens beauty! Read it and weep; it's practically a love letter to Nazi Germany!

Leo:
Wow...This won't run an hour!

Max:
An hour!? That's being generous. This play promises to close on Page 4! Don't you, play? [comical voice] "Yes, Mr. Bialystock; I promise to close on Page 4."

Max Bialystock:
You lousy fruit! You RUINED ME!!

Singers: Springtime for Hitler and Germany (two rifle shots) Goosestep's the new step today. (machine-gun fire) Bombs falling from the skies again (explosion) Deutschland is on the rise again! Springtime for Hitler and Germany U-boats are sailing once more. Springtime for Hitler and Germany Means that soon we'll be going to war!

Leo:
Mr. Bialystock, I cannot FUNCTION under these conditions! [pulls out his blue blanket and hugs it] You're making me extremely nervous.

Max:
What is that, a handkerchief?

Leo:
What? [hides his blue blanket behind his back] Oh, it's nothing.

Max:
Nothing? Then why can't I see it? [grabs Leo's blue blanket out of his hand]

Leo:
[gasps] M-MY BLANKET! MY BLUE BLANKET!! GIMME MY BLUE BLANKET!!! [goes crazy]

Max:
Sshhh! Here, here, here! Don't panic! Don't panic. [hands Leo's blue blanket back to him. Leo calms down]

Leo:
[sighs] I'm sorry. I don't like people touching my blue blanket. It's not important, it's a minor compulsion. I can deal with it if I want to. It's just that I've had it ever since I was a baby, and I find it very comforting. [kisses his blue blanket and puts it back in his pocket]

Leo:
Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man.

Max:
[classic expression] Assume away.

Leo:
You're gonna jump on me.

Max:
Huh?

Leo:
You're gonna jump on me! I know you're gonna jump on me! Like Nero jumped on Poppaea!

Max:
Who?

Leo:
Poppaea!! She was his wife, and she was unfaithful to him! So, he got mad! AND HE JUMPED ON HER, UP AND DOWN, UP AND DOWN, UNTIL HE SQUASHED HER LIKE A BUG! PLEASE DON'T JUMP ON ME!!

Max:
I'M NOT GONNA JUMP ON YA!!!

Leo:
AAAAH!!

Leo:
I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYSTERICAL! I'M HYS-

[Max splashes a glass of water on Leo]

Leo:
...I'M WET! I'M WET! I'M HYSTERICAL AND I'M WET!

[Max slaps Leo across the face]

Leo:
...I'M IN PAIN! ...AND I'M WET! ...AND I'M STILL HYSTERICAL! No, don't hit, don't hit! It only increases me sense of danger.

Max:
What can I do? You're making me hysterical.

Leo:
Go away, go away. You frighten me.

Franz Liebekind:
You know, not many people knew it, but the Fuhrer was a terrific dancer.

Max:
Really, I never dreamed that...

Franz Liebekind:
That is because that you were taken in by that verdammte Allied propaganda! Such filthy lies! They told lies! But nobody ever said a bad word about Winston Churchill, did they? No! 'Win with Winnie!' Churchill! With his cigars. With his brandy. And his rotten painting, rotten! Hitler - there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two Coats! Churchill. He couldn't even say 'Nazi'. He would say 'Noooo-zeeehz, Nooooooooooooo-zeeehz!' It wasn't Noses! It was Nazis! Churchill!...Let me tell you this! And you're hearing this straight from the horse. Hitler was better looking than Churchill. He was a better dresser than Churchill. He had more hair! He told funnier jokes! And he could dance the pants off of Churchill!...Churchill!

Leo:
Just think! Yesterday I was a meaningless little accountant...and today, I am the producer of a Broadway flop!

Max:
[raising his glass] To failure!

Leo:
[raising his glass in return] To failure!

Drunk at the end of the bar:
Oh, thank you. That's very kind of you.

[Max forcefully wrestles Leo's books out of his hands and laughs triumphantly. Leo angrily pinches Max's cheeks hard]

Leo:
[enraged, shrieking] FAT!!!!!!!! FAT!!!! FAT!! [punches Max in the stomach, knocking him to the floor, making him groan in agony] FAT!!! FAT!!!!! YOU FATTY!! [launches himself onto Max, attacking him] Just gimme those books, you fat walrus!

Max:
Never!

Leo:
Give 'em, quick! Grr-rrr! YOU FAT FATTY! GIMME THOSE FAT BOOKS!!

Max:
NO! No!

[At the trial of Max, Leo, and Franz, the jury has reached a verdict]

Jury Foreman:
...We find the defendants incredibly guilty.

Leo:
I would like to say something, your Honor. Not on my behalf, but in reference to my partner, Mr. Bialystock...Your Honor, Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, Max Bialystock is the most selfish man I ever met in my life.

Max:
Don't help me.

Leo:
Not only is he a liar and a cheat and a scoundrel and a crook, who has taken money from little old ladies, but he's also talked people into doing things, especially me, that they would never in a thousand years have dreamed of doing. But, your Honor, as I understand it, the law was created to protect people from being wronged. Your Honor, whom has Max Bialystock wronged? I mean, whom has he really hurt? Not me. Not me. I was... This man. No one ever called me Leo before. I mean, I know it's not a big legal point, but even in kindergarten, they used to call me Bloom. I never sang a song before. I mean with someone else. I never sang a song with someone else before. This man, this man, this is a wonderful man. He made me what I am today. He did. And what of the dear ladies? What would their lives have been without Max Bialystock? Max Bialystock who made them feel young and attractive and wanted again? That's all that I have to say.

[The ladies stand and applaud]

Max:
And may I humbly add, your Honor, that we've learned our lesson and that we'll never do it again.

Max Bialystock:
How humiliating. Max Bialystock. Max Bialystock. You know who I used to be? Max Bialystock! King of Broadway! Six shows running at once! Lunch at Delmonico's. $200 suits. You see this? This once held a pearl as big as your eye! Look at me now. LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! I used to have thousands of investors begging, pleading to put their money in a Max Bialystock production. Look at my investors now. [He opens a cabinet with pictures of wealthy, elderly women] Voila! Hundreds of little old ladies stopping off at Max Bialystock's office to grab a last thrill on the way to the cemetery! [To Leo] You have exactly 10 seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect. One, two... Do the books. Do the books...Window's so filthy, can't tell whether it's day or night out there.

Max Bialystock:
That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!

Max Bialystock:
That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart.

Max Bialystock:
How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right?

Max Bialystock:
Bloom, look at me. Look at me, Bloom! Bloom, I'm drowning. Other men sail through life. Bialystock has struck a reef. Bloom, I'm going under. I'm being sunk by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure. Bloom, I'm reaching out to you. Don't send me to prison. [bellowing] HELP!!!

Max Bialystock:
Next time I produce a play, no author.

Max Bialystock:
I was so careful... I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast... where did I go right?

Singers:
I was born in Dusseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf!

Singers: Don't be stupid! Be a smartie! Come and join the Nazi Party!

Leo Bloom:
[reading the title of the play for the first time] "Springtime for Hitler: A Gay Romp with Adolf and Eva at Berchtesgaden"... Wow...

Franz Liebekind:
I am the author. You are the audience. I outrank you!

Franz Liebekind:
Adolf Elizabeth Hitler