The Sandlot

Scotty Smalls:
[voice over] We all lived in the neighborhood for a couple of more years-mostly through junior high school-and every summer was great. But none of them ever came close to that first one. When one guy would move away, we never replaced him on the team with anyone else. We just kept the game going like he was still there.

The Babe:
Let me tell you something kid, everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either 'cause they're too scared, or because they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes. This is your big chance, and you shouldn't let it go by...

The Babe:
Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered, but legends never die. Follow your heart, kid, and you'll never go wrong.

Benny:
Man, this is baseball. You gotta stop thinking. Just have fun. I mean, if you were having fun you would've caught that ball. You ever have a paper route?

Smalls:
I helped a guy once.

Benny:
Okay, well chuck it like you throw paper. When your arm gets here, just let go. Just let go, it's that easy.

[starts to jog away]

Smalls:
How do I catch it?

Benny:
Just stand out there and stick your glove out in the air. I'll take care of it.

Ham Porter:
Hey, you want a s'more?

Smalls:
Some more of what?

Ham Porter:
No, do you want a s'more?

Smalls:
I haven't had anything yet... so how can I have some more of nothing?

Ham Porter:
You're killing me, Smalls. These are s'mores stuff, 'kay? Pay attention. First, you take the graham. You stick the chocolate on the graham. Then, you roast the mallow. When the mallow's flaming, you stick it on the chocolate. Then you cover it with the other end. Then, you scarf. Kind of messy, but good. Try some.

Squints:
Oh, no!

[A snooty rival baseball team, whom the Sandlot kids are enemies with arrive in their uniforms and bicycles. The Sandlot kids soon arrive to confront their rivals.]

Phillips:
Ah, it's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.

Benny:
Shut your mouth, Phillips!

Ham Porter:
What'd you say, crap face?!

Phillips:
I said, you shouldn't even be allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.

Ham Porter:
Come on! We'll take you on, right here! Right now! Come on!

Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!

Phillips:
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.

Ham Porter:
Watch it, jerk!

Phillips:
Shut up, idiot!

Ham Porter:
Moron!

Phillips:
Scab eater!

Ham Porter:
Butt sniffer!

Phillips:
Pus licker!

Ham Porter:
Fart smeller!

Bertram:
[sniffs] Ahh.

Phillips:
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!

Ham Porter:
You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!

Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!

Phillips:
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!

Ham Porter:
You play ball like a girl!

[entire group stands in shocked silence; the Sandlot kids start laughing]

Phillips:
What did you say?

Ham Porter:
You heard me.

Phillips:
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.

Ham Porter:
Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Kids:
Yeah!

Ham Porter:
PLAY BALL! Hurry up, batter. It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch.

[Pitcher pitches and the batter doesn't even swing]

Ham Porter:
Ha-ha! That's one.

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter:
[to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you. I'd shave his butt, and tell him to walk backwards.

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter:
The heater. Here it comes. I dare ya.

[Porter puts the batter off, he swings and misses]

Ham Porter:
Strike three, you`re out.

[cuts to new pitch]

Ham Porter:
Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked.

Phillips:
[enraged] SHUT UP PORTER!

Ham Porter:
Hey, hey, hey, I'm just trying to start a friendly conversation, come on. [two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?

A baseball just got hit over the fence and the game is terminated

Smalls:
How come we have to stop playing?

Ya-Ya:
It is the law of the sandlot. Anything that goes over that fence...

Squints:
...becomes property of the Beast!

[Squints has just kissed Wendy, while she was giving him CPR.]

Wendy:
[offended] Ugh! Little pervert!

Timmy:
Oh, man, he's in deep sh*t.

[Squints is taken to his feet and is escorted out of the pool by Wendy with his friends following him.]

Wendy:
And stay out!

[Once out of the pool, another lifeguard throws their clothes out of the pool. Once away Ham and the boys are getting dressed, while Wendy returns to her post as a lifeguard clearly offended by Squints.]

Ham Porter:
Oh, here's your glasses. Did you plan that?

Squints:
Of course I did. Been planning it for years.

Ham Porter:
You guys, he planned that! He knew what he was doing!

Smalls:
[adult voiceover] Michael "Squints" Palledorous walked a little taller that day and we had to tip our hats to him. He was lucky she hadn't beat the crap out of him. We wouldn't have blamed her. What he'd done was sneaky, rotten, and low... and cool. Not another one among us would have ever in a million years even for $1,000,000 have the guts to put the move on the lifeguard. He did. He had kissed a woman. And he had kissed her long and good. We got banned from the pool forever that day. But every time we walked by after that, the lifeguard looked down from her tower, right over at Squints, and smiled.

Squints:
Where did your old man get that ball?

Smalls:
I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. She even signed her name on it... Ruth. Baby Ruth.

All:
BABE RUTH?!

(Everyone screams in horror and rushes to the fence)

Smalls:
I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints:
But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls:
Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter:
WHAT?! WHAT?!

Kenny:
The sultan of swat!

Bertram:
The king of crash!

Timmy:
The colossus of clout!

Tommy:
The colossus of clout!

All:
BABE RUTH!

Ham Porter:
[emphatically] THE GREAT BAMBINO!

Smalls:
[in shock and horror] Oh, my God! You mean that's the same guy?!

Benny Rodriguez:
[referring to the chewed-up baseball] That's really nice of you, but that ball really is signed by Babe Ruth.

Mr. Mertle:
So's this one... with the rest of the 1927 Yankees.

The adventure of a lifetime, the summer of their dreams...the dog of their nightmares.

They're more than a team. They're the best buddies in the entire history of the world.

A piece of paradise a half block wide and a whole summer long.

You're killing me, Smalls !

Squints:
Oh, no!

[A snooty rival baseball team called the Tigers, whom the Sandlot kids are enemies with arrive in their uniforms and bicycles. The Sandlot kids soon arrive to confront their rivals, including the leader, Phillips.]

Phillips:
Ah, it's easy when you play with a bunch of rejects and a fat kid, Rodriguez.

Benny:
Shut your mouth, Phillips!

Ham:
What'd you say, crap-face?!

Phillips:
I said, you shouldn't even allowed to touch a baseball. Except for Rodriguez, you're all an insult to the game.

Ham:
Come on! We'll take you on, right here, right now! Come on!

Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!

Ham:
Yeah, right now!

Phillips:
We play on a real diamond, Porter. You ain't good enough to lick the dirt off our cleats.

Ham:
Watch it, jerk!

Phillips:
Shut up, idiot!

Ham:
Moron!

Phillips:
Scab eater!

Ham:
Butt sniffer!

Phillips:
Pus licker!

Ham:
Fart smeller!

Bertram:
[sniffs] Ahh.

Phillips:
You eat dog crap for breakfast, geek!

Ham:
You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam!

Sandlot Kids:
Yeah!

Phillips:
You bob for apples in the toilet! And you like it!

Ham:
You play ball like a girl!

[the Sandlot kids gasp as the entire group stands in shocked silence; the Sandlot kids start laughing]

Phillips:
[shocked smile] What did you say?

Ham:
You heard me.

Phillips:
Tomorrow. Noon, at our field. Be there, buffalo-butt breath.

Ham:
Count on it, pee-drinking crap-face!

Kids:
Yeah!

Phillips:
Let's go!

[the Tigers ride away, and the Sandlot kids cheer for Ham]

Timmy:
[to Ham; pats his arm] Good job.

Ham:
[about the Tigers] Jerks. [scene fades to Ham putting on Umpire mask] PLAY BALL! [puts on umpire mask] Hurry up, batter. It's gonna be a short game, and I gotta get home for lunch. [Pitcher pitches and the batter doesn't even swing] Ha-ha! That's one. [scene cuts to new pitch] [to the batter] You know, if my dog was as ugly as you, I'd shave his butt, and tell him to walk backwards. [scene cuts to new pitch] The heater. Here it comes. I dare ya. [Ham puts the batter off, he swings and misses] Strike three, you're out. [scene cuts to new pitch] Hey. Is that your sister out there in left field, naked? She's naked.

Phillips:
[gets distracted and misses] Shut up, Porter!

Ham:
Hey, hey, hey. I'm just trying to start a friendly conversation. Come on. [two seconds later] Think she'll go out with me?

[A baseball just got hit over the fence and the game is terminated]

Ham:
Yeah! That's how you do it, Smalls!

Benny:
Ham, you idiot! Now we can't play no more!

Ham:
It was a heater!

Smalls:
You don't understand! That wasn't my ball!

Squints:
[shocked] What do you mean, that wasn't your ball?

Smalls:
It was my stepdad's. I stole it from his trophy room. It was a present or something. Somebody gave it to him, but we gotta to get it back. He's gonna kill me!

Squints:
Listen to me, Smalls. This is a matter of life and death. Where did your old man get that ball?

Smalls:
What? I don't know. Some lady gave it to him. Why? [the Sandlot kids gets confused] Yeah, she even signed her name on it. Some lady named... Ruth. Baby Ruth.

Everyone else:
BABE RUTH?!

[Everyone screams in horror and darts toward the fence]

Ham:
NO!!!

[Everyone rushes back to Smalls screaming after seeing the ball getting taken by the beast.]

Smalls:
Hey, guys! What's going on?

Kenny:
The beast got it!

Timmy:
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.

Tommy:
You're dead as a doornail, Smalls.

Timmy:
Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home and swiped a ball that was signed by Babe Ruth, and you brought it out here and actually played with it?!

Tommy:
And actually played with it?!

Smalls:
Yeah. Yeah, but I was gonna put back.

Squints:
But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls:
Yeah. Yeah. You keep telling me that! Who is she?!

Ham:
[shocked] What?! What?!

Kenny:
The sultan of swat!

Bertram:
The king of crash.

Timmy:
The colossus of clout!

Tommy:
The colossus of clout!

The Sandlot Kids:
Babe Ruth!

Ham:
[emphatically] The Great Bambino!

Smalls:
[in shock and horror] Oh, my God! You mean that's the same guy?!

Everyone else:
Yes!

Benny:
Smalls, Babe Ruth was the greatest baseball player that ever lived. I mean, people said he was less than a god, but more than a man. Like, Hercules, or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth...well, more than your whole life, man.

Smalls:
[nauseated] Ohh. I don't feel so good. [collapses to his knees]

The Sandlot Kids:
[simultaneously concerned] Uh-oh, fan him. Give him air. Give him air. [fanning Smalls]

Smalls:
We gotta get that ball back.

[Mr. Mertle confronting Benny and Smalls after they brought back Hercules]

Mr. Mertle:
Well, first time anybody gotten the best of old Hercules. Why didn't you just knock on the door? I'd have gotten it for you.

[the gang attacks and yells at Squints]

Other Sandlot Kids:
Squints!

Ham:
Oh, my God! I can't believe you!

Squints:
We got the ball back, didn't we?

Ham:
But we almost got killed!

Squints:
Didn't we get the ball back? [pushes the others] Just shut up! We got the ball back.

Scotty Smalls:
[voiceover] If it weren't for Benny, I never would have made a single friend that summer, because all those other guys thought I was a lost cause.

Scotty Smalls:
[voiceover] Benny would've played ball all day, night, rain, sun, tidal wave, whatever. Baseball was the only thing he cared about, but among the other things we did besides baseball, going to the pool is what he tolerated best.

Scotty Smalls:
[voiceover] Only one kid in history had ever attempted what Benny was about to...and he got eaten. So we were worried, real worried, even when Benny brought out the secret weapon: Shoes guaranteed to make a kid run faster and jump higher—P.F. Flyers.

She knows exactly what she's doin'!