The Trip

Steve Coogan:
So, is this all right? Do I look OK?

Emma:
Yeah, you like nice, yeah. You look a bit like that guy off Top Gear.

Steve Coogan:
What? What, Jeremy Clarkson?

Emma:
No, no, no. The other one.

Steve Coogan:
Richard Hammond?

Emma:
Yeah, yeah.

Steve Coogan:
That's worse.

Rob Brydon:
Why are we self-catering?

Steve Coogan:
We thought we would go and stay the night at Greta Hall, when Mischa was going to come with me originally, because we thought we could make love in the bed that Coleridge slept in and made love in, and it would lend a poetic, romantic frisson to our congress.

Rob Brydon:
Still be romantic, just the two of us?

Steve Coogan:
We can be chummy.

Rob Brydon:
Yeah, exactly, chummy.

Steve Coogan:
Yeah.

Rob Brydon:
Chummy.

Steve Coogan:
Without the bum.

Rob Brydon:
Bumless chums.

Steve Coogan:
Bumless chums.

Rob Brydon:
Do you think we just have the same conversation in every restaurant?

Steve Coogan:
Um, yeah, of course we do, we're bound to.

Rob Brydon:
We are essentially having the same conversation every place we go to.

Steve Coogan:
We start out being a bit awkward with each other, have a little bit of wine, exchange a few frivolities...

Rob Brydon:
Loosen up, enjoying each other's company.

Steve Coogan:
To enjoy each other's company, have a bit more wine. Get cantankerous. And...

Rob Brydon:
Pick faults with each other.

Steve Coogan:
Pick faults with each other. And it descends into a sort of a bitter, unhappy end to the meal.

Rob Brydon:
It was not to be supposed the Mr Coleridge could keep on at the rate he set off... [mimicks Alan Partridge] "Ah-ha!"

Steve Coogan:
Is that written down?

Steve Coogan:
Duck fat lolly. Well, why not? This is like my comedy, it's like, it's familiar, like we all know what a lolly is, but there's something very different about it.

Rob Brydon:
And, like lollipops, something that we enjoyed a long time ago.

Rob Brydon:
[reading a newspaper] Listen to this, it's about Warren Beatty, right - "Peter Biskin, Beatty's new biographer, estimates that the famously seductive star of Bonnie and Clyde has notched up 12,775 sexual conquests. He slept with an average of 246 women a year."

Steve Coogan:
Well, 365 days a year, that's about 120 days a year off. That's every weekend off. If he does it every weekday, he gets his weekends off. It's achievable.

Rob Brydon:
Well, Port Talbot has a population of 30,000 people, that means he's slept with half the women in Port Talbot.

Steve Coogan:
Well, no, half the population are men, so...

Rob Brydon:
So he's slept with all the women in Port Talbot. Which I wouldn't wish on anybody.

[a waiter with a hard-to-understand French accent is showing them a wine]

French Waiter:
Light, fruity and easy to follow. [Steve and Rob thank him and he leaves]

Rob Brydon:
Easy to follow? That's rather ironic.

Steve Coogan:
They are breaching the trade descriptions act.

Steve Coogan:
God, I wish you were Mischa.

Rob Brydon:
God, I'm glad I'm not.

Steve Coogan:
Someone overheard Nick Stevens at an Endeavour meeting where someone brought my name up and he said "I wish I'd gotten hold of Steve Coogan when he was 35." And I thought "Crikey, is that it? Is it game over?" I mean, I'm 41, you know.

Steve's US Agent:
You're not 41.

Steve Coogan:
I'm not, no, I'm 44. I've been 41 for 3 years, I've been telling people I'm 41 for 3 years.

Steve's US Agent:
[sighs] Look, you know how old Jack Lemmon was when he won the Oscar for Save the Tiger?

Steve Coogan:
No.

Steve's US Agent:
He was... 48.

Steve Coogan:
Yeah, but he'd been a movie star for f***ing 20 years, dude.

[Yelling across the water]

Rob:
You're stuck in a metaphor!

Steve Coogan:
Lady in Red - terrible song.

Steve:
No, that's been done, Rob. That's been done before.

Rob:
It's 2010! Everything has been done before. All you can do is do something someone's done before, but do it better, or differently.

Steve:
To some extent that's... correct.

[Steve and Rob are booked into a double room at the Inn]

Rob Brydon:
This is a huge bed. We could easily share this bed.

Steve Coogan:
It might be huge to you, it's average size to me.

Rob Brydon:
Oh that's right, I forgot, you're considerably taller. What's the problem, anyway? What do you think's gonna happen? Eh?

Steve Coogan:
You might touch my bottom.

Rob Brydon:
Oh, all right. Were you an altar boy?

Steve Coogan:
Yes, I was.

Rob Brydon:
Seriously?

Steve Coogan:
Yes.

Rob Brydon:
Oh, all right. Well, I'll go on the sofa if you want, if it's... Sorry, I didn't realise we were into Oprah Winfrey territory. Are you seriously saying you were abused as a child when you were an altar boy?

Steve Coogan:
Only verbally, and physically. Not sexually. Just punched by a priest.

[In a restaurant, Rob has ordered scallops, Steve has ordered tomato soup]

Rob Brydon:
Mmm. What's your's like?

Steve Coogan:
Well, it tastes of tomatoes.

Rob Brydon:
Not a connoisseur, are you, with food?

Steve Coogan:
Look, the reason I was doing this trip was to bring Mischa along. She's passionate about food, she loves food.

Rob Brydon:
She's the food buff then, out of the two of you?

Steve Coogan:
She's a very confident foodie and I thought she could help me, and I wanted to show Mischa the... you know, the North. Show her a piece of me.

Rob Brydon:
You're from Manchester. You could take her round and show her the gun crime sites.

Steve Coogan:
[after another of Rob's impressions] I think anyone over 40 who amuses themself by doing impressions needs to take a long, hard look in the mirror.

Rob Brydon:
[as Al Pacino] Maybe you're right. I don't know. But I see a guy who has something stuck up his ass, who's too uptight to let go.

Steve Coogan:
No, I like humour, I like levity, I like brevity. I just like to...

Rob Brydon:
Gravity? Where do you stand on that?

Steve Coogan:
Firmly. On terra firma.

Steve's UK Agent:
[over the phone] Where exactly are you at the moment?

Steve Coogan:
I'm in the Trough of Bowland. Rather appropriately, Greg, I'm in a trough. Literally and metaphorically.