The Weird Al Show

Al:
Like I always say, "If you've got blacktop and you've got gelatin, you've got good eatin'!"

Hooded Avenger:
Say, Al, what do you want to do today?

Al:
Well, we could pour maple syrup all over the rug and then lick it off...

Val Brentwood:
Nah, we did that yesterday.

Al as Keith Flint:
(to the tune of "Firestarter") I'm so angry at my idiotic barber! Think I'll stay in here til it grows out a little! Got a lousy haircut! A really stupid haricut! What a silly haircut! I can't believe this haircut!

Announcer:
Can't sleep? Congested? Runny nose? Sore throat, nagging cough? Fever and sinus infection? Dizzy, nauseous, disoriented? Constipated? Memory loss? A little crazy? Can't shake your evil self? Haunted house? Knight in shining armor? CIA agent? Upside down person? Golden retriever? Huge beach ball? Miss America? Flying monkeys?

Huey Toppersmith:
No one likes me!

Al:
I like you! I mean, in theory... If you weren't so bossy... In an alternate universe where you weren't like a tyrant, I like you.

Martha Quinn:
If someone asks you for directions, stop. Think about it for a moment, and if you don't know the best way for them to go, smile and tell them cheerfully that you can't help them and they should ask someone else. Giving someone directions that you're not sure about, even if you're just trying to help, is a bad idea. Don't be a hero. No directions are better than bad directions.

Al:
Hey, Corky, what brings you around here?

Corky:
I was wondering if I could borrow a box of smelly socks.

Al:
What do you need smelly socks for?

Corky:
Actually, it's more the box I need.

Super Harvey:
Don't tell me evil alien pirates who look like giant fish and come from a planet where they use bagels for money are robbing every deli in the area.

Fatman:
Yup!

Super Harvey:
That is just SO typical!

Announcer:
If you thought there were no more natural disasters left to make a movie about, you thought wrong. 60% Chance of Rain, the most horrifying new movie of the season. The weather got out of hand.

Mayor:
We can't go starting a panic, not during tourist season!

Announcer:
Only one man had the courage.

Deputy Al:
Mr. Mayor, I don't care what happens to your tourist season! Someone needs to tell these people that they might need a jacket!

Announcer:
To bring Mother Nature to her knees...

Deputy Al:
C'mon, people, let's go! Everybody in the rec room! We don't know what we're in for. C'mon inside, everybody!

Announcer:
When the barometric pressure increases, so does the terror.

Boy:
So we don't even know if it's gonna rain?

Deputy Al:
No, son, we don't.

Announcer:
60% Chance of Rain. Coming soon to a theater near you, maybe.

Announcer:
Can you imagine a world without dirt? It seems dirt is everywhere. Chances are there is dirt somewhere underneath you right now. Many things grow in dirt. Like carrots. Carrots are good to eat. But you should never eat dirt; it doesn't taste very good and you might get dirt on your uvula. Dirt is dirty, so if it gets on you, wash it off. Rocks are dirty because they're found in the dirt and they have dirt on them. Some people like to study rocks. Whatever.

Hooded Avenger:
Someday, the sledgehammer of injustice will fall upon his big toe.

Tahj Mowry:
What was that?

Al:
"Jurassic Park", smart guy. You were in "Jurassic Park", remember?

Tahj Mowry:
No, no, I wasn't! And besides, that wasn't even a clip from the movie! That was just your music video!

Al:
But without my stuff, what am I? Just another cave-dwelling, accordion-playing, hamster-loving, TV show host. What a cliche!

Al:
[reads a book title] Thirty Seconds To Martial Arts Mastery. This sounds cool. [reads] To begin your martial arts training, look behind you. [looks]

Kuni:
[Kung Fu yell] Hello, little Sensei. My name is Kuni. I'll be your judo instructor for the next thirty seconds.

Al:
Oh, okay. Well, what do I...?

Kuni:
No questions! We are on a very serious schedule here. Now, the martial arts I am to teach you are only to be used for defense, not for attack. Let's begin. Attack me.

Al:
[pause] But you just said that...

Kuni:
I know what I said - attack me!

Al:
Okay... [Al charges at Kuni, but Kuni flips Al across the room] Well, that was kind of painful.

Kuni:
What did you expect? You attacked me.

Al:
But you told me to!

Kuni:
Ah. With pain comes wisdom, little wood tick. [He flips Al again]

Al:
Ow! Hey! That wasn't for defense!

Kuni:
Ah, but it was. You are my opponent, and as my opponent, I correctly assumed that at some time, you would attack me. Therefore, I can anticipate the need for defense.

Al:
[pause] I don't think I want to take judo from you.

Kuni:
But your training has just begun, little dung beetle. [His watch beeps] Oops, sorry, time is up. Course is over.

Al:
What? I didn't learn very much.

Kuni:
That is right, little cockroach. It takes time to master any skill. You did not learn because you did not study. YOU'RE SO STUPID! Bye-bye. [Exits]

Alex Trebek:
Would you like to make more money? Impress your friends? Be like me and know everything in the world? Sure you would! And now the Know-It-All Correspondence School can help. With courses in Molecular Biology... Nuclaer Waste Management... Air Traffic Controlling... Aardvark Training... Bellybutton Lint Recycling... UFO Restoration and Repair... Unleashing Your Inner Robot... Frog Cosmetology... Accounting... and so many more.

[Al dips his arms into a vat of hot, melted chocolate and raises his fists triumphantly]

Al:
I am so cool!

Dr. Philips:
You have a TV show?

Al:
Yeah, in fact, we're on TV right now! Look!

Dr. Philips:
Hi, Mom! Oh, I'm sorry, that cameraman looks just like my mother.

Al:
Oh, no! It's the Yoko Ono alarm! That can only mean one thing - time to go to a commercial!

Miner Mike:
Home, eh? I don't see anything about a home here...

Miner Dave:
No, doesn't say anything about a Hawaiian guy either!

Al:
I should never EVER do another one of those lousy infomercials. I mean, what was I thinking?

Ron Popeil:
That boy was our only hope...

Tony Little:
No... there is another...

Madame Judy:
Oooooh! The anxious man is soon bitten by... radioactive lobsters!

Madame Judy:
Okay, okay! Now me! Ohhhhhh! From my own collection, a crystal ball to guide your path. Look, you can see the future! Swirling in it already!

Hooded Avenger:
Wait a minute, that's not the future. That's "Saved by the Bell."

Corky:
Hey! This thing's picking up cable!