The Wizard of Speed and Time

Mom Jittlov:
You got a job today?

Mike:
Yeah, almost; I sold my car.

Mom Jittlov:
[aghast] Your wonderful car?

Mike:
Mmm-hmm. Sold my property to pay property taxes.

Dora Belair:
Look, you work with me, I expect a pro. You don't even shake hands; you oughta see a shrink!

Mike:
Miss Belair, if you feel compelled to grab part of my body and shake it before you can even be friendly, you've got far worse problems than you think I have.

Steve:
Lights, camera, and anguish.

[Cindy recognizes Mike when they are both in a crowded elevator]

Cindy Lite:
I beat you here! I'm your cheerleader, remember?

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
What?

Cindy Lite:
This morning, in the car. I gave you the clap.

[Cindy claps her hands as everyone else in the elevator gasps and takes a step away from both of them]

[Mike tries to join other film industry unions:
]

Mike:
Well it's only a dozen little animated lights...

Union Clerk #1:
No no no, you can't *move* 'em; gotta join the Grippers' Guild.

Mike:
I have to be an apprentice first?

Union Clerk #2:
For three consecutive years, but ya can't be over twenty-five years old.

Mike:
This is simple back-projection!

Union Clerk #3:
Go see Union Projectionists!

Mike:
But it's just projected to a painted matte!

Union Clerk #4:
Then also join the Painters' Guild.

Union Manager:
Get his number!

Union Clerk #5:
He doesn't have a number.

Union Manager:
Then give him a number and take it away!

[ Mike and friends try to hide from police helicopters under a green day-glo tarp]

Police Officer #1:
[sarcastically] Gee whiz, they just disappeared.

Police Officer #2:
I can't see 'em anywhere. Hey! Let's land on that big green plastic rock!

[Mike tries to join the Directors' Union:
]

Mike:
Hello, hi.

Directors' Union Clerk:
Can I help you?

Mike:
Yes, how do I join the Directors' Union?

Directors' Union Clerk:
You need to bring in a copy of the deal memo by your studio producer before you can pay your initiation fee and be cleared by Union Council, thank you...

Mike:
Uh, excuse me, what is the initiation fee?

Directors' Union Clerk:
Seven thousand dollars, with a hundred dollar application fee, two hundred dollars every quarter, and ten percent of your salary.

Mike:
Uhhh, seven thousand dollars, what is that for?

Directors' Union Clerk:
That's the amount you pay to get into our union.

Mike:
What is it, like Social Security? I get it back when I retire?

Directors' Union Clerk:
Absolutely not! What is your classification?

Mike:
Uh, well, I'm directing special effects with a small crew.

Directors' Union Clerk:
Well, then you must have an Assistant Director, a Second AD, and a UPM, all signed with the DUA.

Mike:
All I'm directing is animation!

Directors' Union Clerk:
Well then discuss that with the Animators' Union.

[Mike tries to join the Animators' Union:
]

Animators' Union Clerk:
(*gul-yuk-hoohoo!*) So, uh, what's your animation classification, huh?

Mike:
Well, a lot of everything. Cartoon, kinestasis, rotoscoping, stop-motion...

Animators' Union Clerk:
WOAH! Well, cartoon animation alone is twenty-one hundred dollars, plus a fifty dollar entry fee, and a hundred dollar quarterly dues.

Mike:
Well, what about filming animation?

Animators' Union Clerk:
(*ubbidy-ub*) Well then ya go to the Camera Union.

[Mike tries to join the Camera Union:
]

Camera Union Clerk:
No sir, the studio hires the next man on the roster.

Mike:
Well, how do I get on the roster?

Camera Union Clerk:
You have to be in the union.

Mike:
Well, how do I get *in* the union?

Camera Union Clerk:
When you're on the roster.

Mike:
You mean I can't join unless I'm already a member?

Camera Union Clerk:
That's correct. Then you need thirty consecutive days camera operation, a complete physical exam, the producer sends a letter, and *you* pay your fees.

Mike:
Well, fine, I've done ten years of camera work!

Camera Union Clerk:
Then you've worked in violation of seniority! You'll have to start allll over, as a film loader.

Mike:
Look, I'm just building a small set and filming it!

Camera Union Clerk:
That's entirely another union. Set and Modelmakers. Next door!

[the Piano Choreographer stomps off in a huff]

Choreographer:
This is the most unprofessional job I've ever had! What is this? Why, nobody knows where they're going or what they're doing, of course except for... me!

[the piano choreographer trips and falls into pile of film cans]

Canadian Thug:
Gee, I never drove a stick shift before.

American Thug:
This is automatic!

Canadian Thug:
Well then how come it's not drivin' itself, eh?

American Thug:
Where'd you learn to drive?

Canadian Thug:
The Autopia at Disneyland.

Harvey Bookman:
Now I want... Big Bang all around the rocket girls, I wanna see video explosions everywhere. I wanna see little meteors shooting out into space; space everywhere!

Video Editor:
Look! I don't do miracles.

Brian:
Cash.

Bookman:
Cash? Whaddaya mean, "Cash?"

Brian:
You know. [holds up a dollar bill] This stuff.

Mike:
It's green with little president's pictures on it.

President:
Now to make sure we get the best government that money can buy, Congress has passed a new one hundred percent withholding of all wages and earnings. But at least twenty-three percent of that will be returned to you, the taxpaying citizen - minus of course state surcharges, subsidies, handling taxes, and dealer's prep.

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
[thinking to himself] All the big things I should have done by now, but I was so busy doing little things. I wonder how many other people are out there? Writing stories and scripts that nobody else may ever read, making movies that nobody may ever see... discovering secrets, important things that could help everybody. Maybe I shouldn't make movies for a living... I could deliver Steve's pizzas... [knocks over a jigsaw puzzle box and, via stop motion animation, the puzzle assembles itself] Oh, if only I could do that for real. If we could live on hopes and wishes, make movies at the speed of thought, all the movies that could have been, all the dreams that I could spin...

Canadian Thug:
[after getting into his police costume] Hey like, I think it's illegal you know to like, impregnate an officer eh?

Harvey Bookman:
What the hell do you want to do?

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
What do I want to do? I'll show you what I want to do! I want to do this... [hands over a script]

Harvey Bookman:
What is this, a cartoon?

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
No, it's a live-action feature film with a real story.

Harvey Bookman:
A real story? With real people?

Mike 'The Wizard' Jittlov:
Yes! And Special Effects that mean something. They aren't just frosting on the cake.