This Is the End

James Franco:
I f***ed Lindsay Lohan at the Chateau Marmont. She kept knocking on my door, she was high. She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal. I said just call me your Prince of Persia.

Jonah Hill:
A huge earthquake happens, who do they rescue first? They'll rescue Clooney, Sandra Bullock, me. If there's room, you guys will come.

Jonah Hill:
Dear God, it's me, Jonah Hill...from Moneyball...

Craig Robinson:
Welcome to Heaven, mothaf***as!

Seth Rogen:
Just answer me one question: Is Michael Cera's butthole as adorable as I pictured?

Jay Baruchel:
Oh for f***s sake...

Seth Rogen:
I picture it looking like a little donut. A little pink sprinkled donut.

Jonah Hill:
[after the group inventories the remaining food] Can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco:
You can't have the Milky Way. It's my special food, I like it.

Seth Rogen:
I want some of the Milky Way!

Craig Robinson:
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco:
Your mama's p*ssy was the canvas. Your dad's dick was the paintbrush. Boom. You're the art.

Jay Baruchel:
Thank you, James Franco.

James Franco:
Who did this?

Seth Rogen:
Did what? What are you talking about?

James Franco:
Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about.

Danny McBride:
[Raises hand] It was me, Franco. I f***in' made jizz in your magazine.

James Franco:
Why?

Danny McBride:
When I f***in' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude. I'm assuming, the same sh*t works for you?

James Franco:
Real f***in' smart answer! Why don't you f***in' aim, huh?

Danny McBride:
I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere. It's like a f***in' wild fireman's hose - you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth.

James Franco:
The f*** kind of jerking off is that? What, you never had any brothers? You never learned to jizz in a f***in' sock or on a f***in' tissue?

Danny McBride:
You think that's the only thing I jerk off on in here? I've been dropping off loads around this f***in' house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco:
You don't cum on my stuff!

Danny McBride:
I'll cum wherever the f*** I want, James! I'll f***in' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your f***in' art, I'll cum anywhere I want!

James Franco:
I will f***in' cum right on you! I will cum like a f***in' madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride:
Ooh! I f***in' wish you'd cum on me right now! I f***in' dare you to cum on me!

[Both men exchange masturbation gestures at each other]

Danny McBride:
[Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so f***in' hard in here...

James Franco:
This, no more, man! All over your f***in' face!

Danny McBride:
...All over the f***in' floor, all over the f***in' place! I'll cum everywhere!

James Franco:
[Waving gun] No more f***in' jerking off all over my house, McBride!

Emma Watson:
[Holding an axe] Back the f*** up!

James Franco:
I'm not gonna shoot Emma Watson!

Emma Watson:
Give me everything you have to drink!

Seth Rogen:
There are six of us! You cannot rob us!

Emma Watson:
[waving an axe] I'm NOT f***ing around!

[Emma leaves]

Danny McBride:
Hermione just stole all of our sh*t. And Jay suggested that we rape her. I think the only reason he did that is because he knows he's about two minutes away from becoming the house b*tch himself.

Jay Baruchel:
[trying to perform an exorcism] The power of Christ compells you!

Jonah Hill:
[possessed] Guess what? It's not that compelling.

Jay Baruchel:
No, Jesus and God are the same. There's the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit!

James Franco:
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

Seth Rogen:
[taking inventory of the food and supplies at James' house] We got 12 bottles of water, 56 beers, two vodkas, four whiskeys, six bottles of wine, tequila, Nutella, cheese, pizza, eggs, bananas, apples, bacon, steaks, pancake mix, C.T. Crunch, milk, ketchup, a Milky Way, a half-ounce of Sour Diesel, 3 1/2 grams Grand Master Kush, one ounce of 'shrooms, 15 pills of ecstasy, a porno mag, a baseball bat and a video camera from the movie 27 Hours.

James Franco:
[correcting Seth] 127 Hours.

Seth Rogen:
Uh... 127 Hours, and a functioning revolver from the movie Flyboys.

Jonah Hill:
[after the group inventories the remaining food] Um, can I have that Milky Way?

James Franco:
No, you can't have the Milky Way, that's my Milky Way. I went out this morning and specifically bought this Milky Way to eat after my party.

Jay Baruchel:
That's weird.

James Franco:
It's not weird, it's my special food, I like it. Back me up on that, Seth.

Seth Rogen:
I don't think you should get the whole Milky Way. I want some of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson:
I'd be pretty bummed if I don't get at least a bite of the Milky Way.

James Franco:
Oh, now Craig wants a bite of the Milky Way.

Craig Robinson:
Yeah, I want a bite of the Milky Way! It's a f***ing Milky Way.

Jonah Hill:
Guys.

Jay Baruchel:
A fifth of everything is what's fair and reasonable.

Seth Rogen:
Everyone gets a fifth of everything.

James Franco:
[To Craig] I want one fifth of your T-shirt! I want the bottom part. The belly.

Craig Robinson:
I'm not sporting a crop-top in your house.

James Franco:
I'll cut that sh*t off and make a headband.

Craig Robinson:
You couldn't handle my midriff.

Jonah Hill:
Guys, the only issue is...I kinda need the Milky Way.

Jay Baruchel:
For f***'s sake.

Jonah Hill:
No, for real, I have low blood sugar, and if my endorphins drop too low, I'm gonna be a nightmare to be around.

Jay Baruchel:
What?

James Franco:
Your LBS starts acting up, you can have a finger scoop of Nutella, okay?

Seth Rogen:
One finger scoop of Nutella.

Jonah Hill:
Fair.

Jay Baruchel:
Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.

Seth Rogen:
Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.

Craig Robinson:
That's f***ed up. I'm right here man.

Jay Baruchel:
I'm not calling Craig an elephant.

James Franco:
That's racist.

Emma Watson:
[Holding an axe] Back the f*** up!

James Franco:
Emma, what's wrong?

Seth Rogen:
W-W-W-What's wrong?

Emma Watson:
What's wrong? I just heard you guys talking about which one of you's gonna get to rape me.

All:
No! No, no, no, no!

Seth Rogen:
I got it, I got it, no, it's funny, it's funny. We were specifically talking about not raping you... [Emma hits Rogen's nose with the back of her axe] OH!

Jay Baruchel:
Holy sh*t!

Emma Watson:
BACK UP! [swishes her axe around]

Jonah Hill:
It's me, Jonah! It's me, Jonah Hill, America's sweetheart, J-bug, J-bone, your friend! I would never hurt you...

Emma Watson:
GET BACK! GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE TO DRINK, PUT IT IN THE BAG!

Seth Rogen:
There's six of us, YOU CANNOT ROB US!

Emma Watson:
I'M NOT F***ING AROUND! [chops off a fake penis using her axe]

Craig Robinson:
GIVE HER DRINKS!

James Franco:
Okay!

Craig Robinson:
GIVE HER DRINKS! PUT THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Danny McBride:
Oh, God!

[Seth and James rush to the kitchen table and put the remaining drinks away in Emma's bag]

Craig Robinson:
PUT ALL THE DRINKS IN HER BAG!

Emma Watson:
HURRY THE F*** UP!

Jay Baruchel:
Okay, they're getting the drinks, put the axe down!

Craig Robinson:
Don't give the Milky Way away!

Jay Baruchel:
Put the axe down now!

[Seth hands the bag to Emma and she snatches it from him.]

Danny McBride:
Okay? NOW, FRANCO, SHOOT HER FACE, SHOOT HER!

James Franco:
[to Danny] I'M NOT GONNA SHOOT EMMA WATSON! [to Emma] Look, Emma. Just stay here with us, it's a lot safer than out there. [Emma yells while chopping the boards off the boarded door with her axe and leaves]

Danny McBride:
Hermione just stole all of our sh*t.

Craig Robinson:
Little bitty ass, um, 20 year-old jacked us.

Danny McBride:
Then Jay suggested that we all rape her and now she's gone.

Jay Baruchel:
I didn't... I was just... I...

Danny McBride:
I think the only reason why he did that is because Jay knows he's about f***ing two minutes away from becoming the house b*tch himself.

Craig Robinson:
So now, um, motherfuckers is thirsty.

James Franco:
Who did this? Who did this?!

Seth Rogen:
Did what, what are you talking about?

James Franco:
[holds up his jizzed porn magazine] Jizzed all over the pages of this nice magazine I was nice enough to tell you about. Was it you, Seth?

Seth Rogen:
No.

James Franco:
No?

Danny McBride:
[raises hand] It was me, Franco, I f***in' made jizz in your magazine.

James Franco:
Why?!

Danny McBride:
When I f***in' jack off long enough, I end up jizzin', dude, I'm assuming, the same sh*t works for you?

James Franco:
Real f***ing smart answer, why don't you f***ing aim, huh?!

Danny McBride:
I have a particularly explosive ejaculating that just goes everywhere! It's like a f***in' wild fireman's hose, you just got to grab on and pray to God it doesn't get into your eyes or your mouth!

James Franco:
The f*** kind of jerking off is that, what, you never had any brothers, you never learned to jizz in a f***ing sock or on a f***in' tissue?!

Danny McBride:
No, I don't have any brothers, I was raised in a house of women!

James Franco:
I highly doubt they f***in' taught you to f***in' close your eyes and f***in' cum wherever the f*** you want!

Danny McBride:
I mean, you're getting all worked up over a f***in' porno mag! Who has goddamn porno mags anymore?! Welcome to the 21st century, Buck Rogers! You designed a house with f***ing iPads in the walls, yet you're jerkin' your dick like a goddamn pilgrim!

James Franco:
That's right, man. I like to f***in' read!

Danny McBride:
You think that's the only thing I jerk off in here? I've been dropping loads around this f***in' house like a goddamn dump truck.

James Franco:
YOU DON'T CUM ON MY STUFF!

Danny McBride:
I'll cum wherever the f*** I want, James. I'll f***in' cum in your kitchen, I'll cum on your f***in' art, I'LL CUM ANYWHERE I WANT!

James Franco:
I will f***in' cum right on you! I will cum like a f***in' madman all over you, McBride!

Danny McBride:
Ooh! I f***in' wish you'd cum on me right now, I f***in' DARE YOU TO CUM ON ME!

[Both men exchange masturbation gestures at each other]

Danny McBride:
[Grabbing baseball bat between his legs] I'm gonna jack my dick so f***in' hard in here!

James Franco:
This, no more, man, all over your f***in' face!

Danny McBride:
All over the f***in' floor, all over the f***in' place, I'll f***in' cum anywhere I want, I'll f***in' cum on these walls, I'll cum on the f***in' cabinets, on the f***in' furniture, I'LL CUM EVERYWHERE!

James Franco:
[points his revolver] If I see your dick one more time, I'm gonna f***ing shoot it off!

Danny McBride:
You don't have enough bullets, b*tch!

James Franco:
[waving his revolver] No f***in' jerking off in my house, McBride!

Craig Robinson:
Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!

Danny McBride:
What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]

Seth Rogen:
F***, man!

Danny McBride:
What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

James Franco:
That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!

Seth Rogen:
Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.

Danny McBride:
Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these f***ing rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.

James Franco:
You cannot have another glass of water.

Danny McBride:
Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the f*** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.

Jonah Hill:
I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.

Danny McBride:
[mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the f***ing same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE F*** UP, JONAH!

James Franco:
You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.

Danny McBride:
You're making me into a joke right now Franco and you are not gonna like the f***in' punch line.

James Franco:
No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the f*** down!

Danny McBride:
Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.

Seth Rogen:
Good.

James Franco:
All right.

[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]

Danny McBride:
YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY F***ING HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!

James Franco:
[aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA F***ING KILL THIS MOTHERF***ER! [Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]

Danny McBride:
That's what I thought. Nerd.

Seth Rogen:
[discussing the apocalypse] This sh*t's cray cray, guys. I mean, it's like, the real, like Apocalypse, it's like the Revel, Book of Revelations, like that means there's a God. Right? [Jay nods in agreement] I haven't led my life as though there's a God this whole time, who f***ing saw that coming that there's actually a God?

Jay Baruchel:
I-I'd say 95% of the planet.

Seth Rogen:
Jesus f***ing Christ, man.

Craig Robinson:
You might wanna stay away from saying that.

Seth Rogen:
"Jesus f***ing Christ"?

Craig Robinson:
Yes.

[Jay does the Holy Cross]

Seth Rogen:
Why? Why can't I say that?

Craig Robinson:
One of the 10 Commandments: "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain".

Seth Rogen:
Jesus isn't the name of the Lord. God is the name of the Lord.

Craig Robinson:
Jesus, God. It's all the same.

Jay Baruchel:
It's the trinity.

Seth Rogen:
Jesus...

Craig Robinson:
Father, Son, Holy Ghost.

James Franco:
It's like Neapolitan ice cream.

Seth Rogen:
I don't even know what the f***ing Commandments are.

James Franco:
Guys, I think this is sort of bullshit, because...we're all good people. I can look at each one of you in the eye, I know you're good.

Seth Rogen:
I'm good.

James Franco:
We're four actors, we bring joy to people's lives!

Jay Baruchel:
Yeah, but we don't do it for free, we get paid handsomely, much higher than the average profession.

James Franco:
It's not like it was just handed to any of us, we've worked really hard to be here.

Craig Robinson:
Yeah, pretend like it's hot when it's cold.

Seth Rogen:
Oh.

Craig Robinson:
You sitting on the beach, it's freezing, you in your drawers, talking about something, everybody's surfing.

Seth Rogen:
[whispering] I think God might've just f***ed up, made a mistake and left us behind by accident! I mean, he's got a lot of sh*t on his plate!

Craig Robinson:
It's not oversight, it's not a mistake. Okay, we gotta face facts, we're here and there's a reason we're all here.

James Franco:
Wh-Why you so sure?

Craig Robinson:
I've- [sighs] I've done things, man, I... I gouged a man's eyeballs out.

Jay Baruchel:
What the?

Seth Rogen:
Oh, f*** off.

James Franco:
Craig.

Craig Robinson:
Well I was a kid, man, it was a f***in' bar fight. It was a bad football game, he said I didn't call spinneys and I f***in' called spinneys, he got all in my face and I smashed a bottle across his face...

Jay Baruchel:
[exhales deeply]

Craig Robinson:
And the first eyeball was an accident, but then I was, like, f*** it. And I went for the second one.

Seth Rogen:
[exhales deeply]

Craig Robinson:
It was f***ed up, but you know what? That sh*t happens, I'm saying that's... I think that's why I'm here.

James Franco:
I gotta admit something. I, uh.... I f***ed Lindsay Lohan. She was f***ed up, she was high. It was at the Chateau Marmont, she kept banging on my door.

Jay Baruchel:
[grunts]

James Franco:
She kept calling me Jake Gyllenhaal.

Seth Rogen:
That's f***ed up.

James Franco:
Yeah, I said, uh, "Call me the Prince of Persia".

Craig Robinson:
See, that's what I'm saying, man. We've all done bad sh*t, you know? We've done more bad sh*t than good in our lives and... [sighs] It's time to pay the piper.

[the power suddenly goes out]

Seth Rogen:
Whoa.

James Franco:
Oh, sh*t! Something's wrong! [whispers] God did this. [lights lighter] He gave us light, and then he took it away.

Jonah Hill:
[growling]

Jay Baruchel:
You hear that?! It's the soundtrack of us going insane.

Craig Robinson:
[worried about Jonah, whispering] Damn, I wish there was something we could do to help him.

Jay Baruchel:
I know what we can do. [blows out lighter]

Jay Baruchel:
[after he, Seth, and James are attacked by a group of cannibals and everything comes to a halt when Danny comes out of the truck] Danny?

Danny McBride:
What the f***?! You guys are still alive?!

Seth Rogen:
Yeah!

Danny McBride:
Holy sh*t, I didn't expect that. [tugs on his leash] F*** out here. [On the other side of the leash is a gimp complete with a luchador mask, hockey pads and a thong coming out of the truck] Sh*t, I can't believe you guys are here! That's f***in' crazy! And your timing couldn't be more perfect. It's been a long time since any of us have eaten and you three gentlemen look delicious.

Jay Baruchel:
What does that have to do with us?

James Franco:
The f*** you talking about?

Danny McBride:
[laughs] I'm a cannibal hombre! We're gonna f***ing eat your ass!

Seth Rogen:
F*** you, you can't eat us, f*** that, man!

Danny McBride:
I do whatever the f*** I want, WHEN I WANT! I've butt-f***ed this dude. See that? I f***in' slide right in that sh*t, I do whatever I want. This is my gimp! Channing, introduce yourself.

[The gimp lifts his mask, revealing himself as Channing Tatum]

Channing Tatum:
Hey, wassup guys? Y'all cool?

James Franco:
That's Channing Tatum!

Seth Rogen:
That's Channing Tatum, dude, what the f***?!

Danny McBride:
Channing f***ing Tatum, I found him wandering on the freeway, I collected him and made him my b*tch, get off my dick. I call him "Channing Tate-yum."

James Franco:
Hardcore, man.

[after James taunts Danny, the rapture beam disappears and James falls back down on the ground]

Seth Rogen:
Oh sh*t.

James Franco:
[horrified] What happened?! What did I do?! Take me back! WHAT DID I DO?!

Danny McBride:
I'll tell you what happened, Franco! You don't get to get sucked up into Heaven 'cause you were being petty! Tom Petty. You may not have invited me to your party, but you're the guest of honor at mine.

James Franco:
What? NOOOOOO! [Seth and Jay watch in sheer horror and disgust as Danny and Channing bite down on Franco's face and rips off his nose]

Danny McBride:
[holding up James' severed nose] HOW F***ING CRAZY IS THIS?! [shrieks]

James Franco:
[last words] DANNY, NOOOOOO!

[the cannibals then eat Franco up to his death]

Danny McBride:
SETH! JAY! [three of the cannibals begin to chase Seth and Jay]

Jay Baruchel:
Oh sh*t, they're running after us!

Seth Rogen:
Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t. Oh sh*t, run!

Danny McBride:
[last words] BRING THEM TO ME!

James Franco:
Dude, look. Helicopters, helicopter. The good guys are here. We're fine, we're gonna be fine.

[helicopter crashes and propeller flies through the window and sticks into the wall where Craig is]

Craig Robinson:
[screaming and jumping] Goddamn! Oh, goddamn!

James Franco:
You okay?

Craig Robinson:
No, I'm not okay. [shows his damaged finger] F*** yo house, Franco!

James Franco:
My house didn't do that!

Danny McBride:
Stupid. Stupid mother--!

[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]

James Franco:
F***ing psychopath! It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?

Danny McBride:
You were gonna send me out there with a f***ing gun filled with blanks?

Seth Rogen:
Oh, f*** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you f***ing d*ckhead!

James Franco:
F***ing murdering motherf***er!

Danny McBride:
Whatever. F***ing civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so f***ing high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious f***ing nerd.

James Franco:
F*** you.

Danny McBride:
Jonah... you f***ing c*nt. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You f***ing disappoint me.

Craig Robinson:
Bro.

Danny McBride:
Seth... you duplicitous taint.

Seth Rogen:
What?

Danny McBride:
And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, cock-sucking, two-faced backstabber.

Jay Baruchel:
What the f*** are you talking about?

Danny McBride:
I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a sh*t about us.

Jay Baruchel:
No, no, no, no. That-that's f***ing twisting that sh*t around, you're f***ing lying.

Danny McBride:
Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.

Craig Robinson:
Ooh! Jay.

Seth Rogen:
F***, man.

Danny McBride:
It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back in. Don't be cocky.

[backs out of the double doors]

Jonah Hill:
This is no dream! This is really happening! NO!

Jonah Hill:
Something, um, not that chill happened last night.

Jonah Hill:
You will drown in a river of blood. The end of days is here. You will quiver in the shadow of Kingdom Come. Judgement Day is upon you. The Apocalypse is NIGH!

Jonah Hill:
I'm gonna titty-f*** you, Seth. [Seth Rogen: DON'T TITTY-F*** ME!] What are they, big B's or small C's? I'm gonna push your titties together. PUSH 'EM TOGETHER!