Tom Goes to the Mayor

Mike Fox:
[the Mayor is watching "Scared Straight" on TV] My name is Mike Foxx and I've lost thirteen of my own children - four to wind poisoning, two to sand rash, five to deadly crickets, and at least six to a mysterious drifter who looks and sounds like this guy:

Mysterious Drifter:
This is the sound of my voice!

The Mayor:
Oh, no!

[repeated line]

Tom Peters:
Oh crickets.

Tom Peters:
I had just an idea I wanted to run past you about children's safety...

The Mayor:
That's interesting, Tom. I just had a meeting with my TV about that. Let me hear your thoughts.

Tom Peters:
Well, uh, child safety, uh, right... the first and, uh, last step is to establish a perimeter surrounding our, you know, parks and zoos and, uh, nurseries, and day-care centers, and elementary...

The Mayor:
Bear traps.

Tom Peters:
[long pause] Uh... uh, okay, uh...

The Mayor:
You're talking about using bear traps to surround these safe zones, right? I love it.

Tom Peters:
Well, no, I-I...

The Mayor:
You sold me on this idea.

Tom Peters:
Oh. Wow.

[Tom and The Mayor are delivering a proposal to the city council]

Tom Peters:
Well, basically, I've done a lot of research, and, um, we think that the best way to protect our youngest citizens in Jefferton here is to... surround them with, uh, bear traps.

The Mayor:
Wonderful, Tom, wonderful.

Tom Peters:
It's basically for their protection, so I don't know why you wouldn't want to do that. Of course, obviously there's a little bit of risk, so, um... actually, a lot, uh, a tremendous amount of risk, um... I hate to say it, but I will guarantee that a number of kids will be injured or possibly, um... killed in the project...

Tom Peters:
[a long beat] Thank you.

The Mayor:
[Tom is unconscious in a dumpster] Thomas! Tom-boy! Tom! Tom, are you okay?

Tom Peters:
Oh, wow...

The Mayor:
It's okay... I'm gonna hold up your head for you.

Tom Peters:
...think I hit my head... wh... where am I? What time is it?

The Mayor:
Well... I've been keeping you in this dumpster for weeks now. Found this vest on a hobo and put it on you to keep you warm, 'cause you've been way too tender to move.

Tom Peters:
Oh. Okay. What's that smell?

The Mayor:
Tom, what you're probably smelling is the cat food. I've been coming by every night to feed you, and since you're unconscious, I would take a dollop of the wet cat food and stick it in your mouth and then move your jaw up and down like a chewing motion. [Tom gags] But in that process, some of the cat food fell out onto your lips and your face and it hardened a little bit in your hair and on your shirt.

Tom Peters:
Okay. Right.

The Mayor:
C'mon now, don't worry. I'll carry you over.

Tom Peters:
I think I have B.M. in my pants.

[repeated lines]

Tom Peters:
Hi, I'm Tom Peters.

The Mayor:
Hello, Tom.

Wizzard:
Wizz! Totally wizzed out - bass fishing with my motherf*****g son. Wizz! Totally wizzed out - he's dead but that does't mean we can't have fun. Wizz! Yo, it's Wizzard! Meet me at this year's Jefferton Bass Fest - join the "Bass Circle' - meet bass techs and pros! - join me as I attempt to hit the low G, three octaves lower than any man has ever played.

Trapper JB:
[singing] Traps all day and traps all night. Traps can snap and rip and bite. Put a bear trap here. Put a bear trap there. Traps can go most everywhere.

Trapper Kyle:
[singing] Traps all day and traps all night. Me love traps with all my might.

Trapper JB:
[singing] You can set it and forget it.

Trapper Kyle:
[singing] But don't ever let it get you in the arm, oh no.

Trapper JB:
[singing] It happened long ago

Trapper Kyle:
[singing] Careful with that trap in tow

Trapper JB:
You know traps are real and forged in steel. Papi taught me on the trapping wheel. These bear traps, she be my master? They clink and clank like a stab from a shank. Suddendly there hence a stank, it was I. What a disaster.

Towns People:
[singing] Child safety is our code!

Trapper JB, Trapper Kyle:
[singing] Put some beartraps in the road!

Towns People:
[singing] Never shall we fear or fight!

Trapper JB, Trapper Kyle:
[singing] We guarantee they'll snap real tight!

Trapper JB, Trapper Kyle, Towns People:
[singing] Well, you must admit that it's a real mans trade. We'll admit that it's a real mans trade. Well, you must admit that it's a real mans trade. We'll admit that it's a real mans trade.

Trapper JB, Trapper Kyle:
[singing] Admit it's a fair tade.

[repeated line]

The Mayor:
Mayor's office!

Tom Peters:
Oh. These are uh, Joy's friendship skirts for men. They're, ya know, meant to worn in tandem.

The Mayor:
[immediately after Tom enters] Uh, security, there's a baboon in my office.

The Mayor:
In the name of Zeus, amen.

The Mayor, Dr. Ian Black:
Ricka ticka tick tock tick tock tock! Ring! Ringa ding ding ringa ding ding! Ricka dick rick ricka dick rick! Ringa dinga ding ding dong! Rim rim rim rim rim!

The Mayor:
Michael! How long has it been old friend?

Dr. Ian Black:
Too long, you sassy devil.

The Mayor:
You crabapple!

Dr. Ian Black:
You delicious horseshoe crab!

The Mayor:
Ohhh I'd grab you with my claws if I had any! [giggles]

Dr. Ian Black:
I'd pinch you so hard! [spots Tom] Who's this guy?

The Mayor:
Oh shoot that's torn, tash, tenis, tens, tango, cash, taaaaaay...

Dr. Ian Black:
He looks like a Steven to me! [Mayor and Black laugh]

The Mayor:
[laughs] Steven.

Dr. Ian Black:
Steven.

The Mayor:
Hello Steven.

Dr. Ian Black:
Hello Steven!

Tom Peters:
It's actually Tom Peters. It's good to meet you. [Silence]

The Mayor:
So, Michael. They tell me you're a doctor of energy now?

Dr. Ian Black:
Yeah, it's a great gig. You are not gonna believe the company car they just gave me.

The Mayor:
Not a LeBaron?

Dr. Ian Black:
A LeBaron!

The Mayor, Dr. Ian Black:
Rick a dick a tick tock tick tock tock! Riiiing ring a ding ding ring a ding ding! [Whispered] Ring a ding ding ring a ding ding! Ring! [Normal] Rick a dick rick rick a dick rick! Ring a ding a ding ding dong!