Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This

Tom Junior:
You raised me never to lie.

Tommy Cooper:
Yeah, I know. I was joking.

Tommy Cooper:
Me and my wife just got home and she says "I'm homesick." I said "You're already home." She says "I know I'm sick of it." [Audience roar with laughter]

Miff Ferrie:
You know your problem?

Tommy Cooper:
Wrong agent?

Miff Ferrie:
You've got the funnies. You exhaust yourself being funny off-stage. I mean, you should be boring, like all the others. I mean, look at Tony Hancock. Without an audience he was as funny as cancer.

Tommy Cooper:
He killed himself, you moron. How's that making your point?

Miff Ferrie:
I am fed up covering up for your mistress. Buying hush-hush train tickets, organising passes.

Tommy Cooper:
You should thank Mary. I wouldn't be running round the country earning you money if she wasn't by my side. I'd be out playing golf with Ronnie Corbett.

Miff Ferrie:
[exasperated] There is a reason why monogamy works, Tommy. It's less tiring.

Tommy Cooper:
I can't give up Mary, Miff. I love her.

Miff Ferrie:
And what about Dove?

Tommy Cooper:
You can love two women.

Miff Ferrie:
Until you get caught!

Tommy Cooper:
No, I mean it. I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed, but it's true. Dove has been my life - put me on stage, made a man of me. If anyone hurts her or the family, I'll rip their head off.

Miff Ferrie:
[wearily] Yeah, well that person's going to be you.