Tommy Cooper: Not Like That, Like This2014

Miff Ferrie:
I am fed up covering up for your mistress. Buying hush-hush train tickets, organising passes.

Tommy Cooper:
You should thank Mary. I wouldn't be running round the country earning you money if she wasn't by my side. I'd be out playing golf with Ronnie Corbett.

Miff Ferrie:
[exasperated] There is a reason why monogamy works, Tommy. It's less tiring.

Tommy Cooper:
I can't give up Mary, Miff. I love her.

Miff Ferrie:
And what about Dove?

Tommy Cooper:
You can love two women.

Miff Ferrie:
Until you get caught!

Tommy Cooper:
No, I mean it. I'm not proud of it. I'm ashamed, but it's true. Dove has been my life - put me on stage, made a man of me. If anyone hurts her or the family, I'll rip their head off.

Miff Ferrie:
[wearily] Yeah, well that person's going to be you.