Tortoise Wins by a Hare

Bugs Bunny:
[bitter] Yeah, the turtle always wins. How does he do it? I can't understand it. It's against the laws of nature. Why, it just ain't in the cards. A turtle beating me, a rabbit! A natural speed merchant! Why, I'm in the pink. Yeah, I'm an athlete. I've got an athlete's physi-que. Sure! I've got an athlete's legs. Certainly! I even got athlete's foot. How does that moron do it? I'll find out his secret if is the last thing I ever do! And I will, too.

[Bugs is at Cecil's door, disguised as an old man]

Cecil Turtle:
Hello, old timer.

Bugs Bunny:
Hello, Johnny. Tell me, Johnny. How come you always beat that rabbit?

Cecil Turtle:
Clean living, friend. Clean living.

Bugs Bunny:
That ain't the way I heard it, Johnny. The way I heard it, you have a secret way of winning. What is it, huh?

Cecil Turtle:
Well, I'll tell you. The secret is modern design. You know, streamlining. Yup, we turtles are built for racing. [Bugs types on a typewriter hidden on his beard]

Cecil Turtle:
[Pulls out a blueprint of his shell] You can see for yourself, we got an airflow chassis. Yes siree, Pop. An airflow chassis. [Taps his shell] Now take rabbits. They're built all wrong for racing. [Bugs types some more] Those ridiculous ears. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Wind resistance, son. Just wind resistance [Bugs types some more, then Cecil resets the typewriter for him; He closes the door, then comes back out again] Another thing: rabbits aren't very bright, either. [Closes door]

Bugs Bunny:
Oh, that little so-and-so!

Mrs. Turtle:
Who was it, Cece?

Cecil Turtle:
Well, sweetie face, it was that rabbit again. I think he's about ready for another race.

Rabbit Bookee:
We're betting everything we got on the rabbit to win. In fact, we don't even think that the turtle will finish. Do we, boys?

Rabbit Thugs:
[Brandishing weapons] Eh, no, boss. No.

Cecil Turtle:
Time's a-wasting, speedy.

Bugs Bunny:
Hey, look, folks! I'm ahead! I'm in the lead! I'm gonna win, yeah! Hooray for the rabbit! Hooray! Look at me go! Look at me go!

Bugs Bunny:
You fools! What are you doing? I'm the rabbit! The rabbit! Look, I'm the rabbit!

Rabbit Thugs:
Eh, now he tells us. [shoot themselves in the head]

[Bugs, who is disguised as the turtle, gets ambushed and attacked by the thug rabbits, who think he really is the turtle]

Rabbit Thugs:
[attacking Bugs] Take that, ya doity toitle! Take that!

Bugs Bunny:
Toitle, shmoitle! I'm the rabbit!

Rabbit Thugs:
You're da toitle!

Bugs Bunny:
Rabbit!

Rabbit Thugs:
Toitle!

Bugs Bunny:
Rabbit!

Rabbit Thugs:
Toitle!

Bugs Bunny:
Rabbit!

Rabbit Thugs:
Toitle!

[Cecil is standing nearby, dressed as a rabbit and chomping on a carrot]

Cecil Turtle:
Yep, that's the toitle all right.

[Cecil continues on with the race, hopping along and cheered on by the thug rabbits]

Rabbit Thugs:
Hooray for the rabbit! He's my boy! Woohoo!

Cecil Turtle:
[to audience] I told you rabbits aren't very bright.

Rabbit Thugs:
[after spotting Bugs run by in his turtle suit] Uh, duh, duh hey you's guys here comes the toitle!