Trading Places

Billy Ray Valentine:
You know, you can't just go around and shoot people in the kneecaps with a double-barrelled shotgun because you're pissed at them.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Why not?

Billy Ray Valentine:
Because it's called assault with a deadly weapon, you get twenty years for that sh*t.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Listen, do you have any better ideas?

Billy Ray Valentine:
Yeah. You know, it occurs to me that the best way to hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people.

Coleman:
You have to admit, sir, you didn't like it yourself a bit.

Louis:
Looking good, Billy Ray!

Billy Ray:
Feeling good, Louis!

Louis:
My God! The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!

Ophelia:
Unless somebody stops them...

Coleman:
...or beats them to it. Eggnog?

Billy Ray:
Merry New Year!

Beeks:
That's "happy." In this country we say "Happy New Year."

Billy Ray:
Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

Randolph Duke:
Mother always said you were greedy.

Mortimer Duke:
She meant it as a compliment.

Even Bigger Black Guy:
It ain't cool being no jive turkey so close to Thanksgiving.

Big Black Guy:
Yeah!

Pawnbroker:
Burnt my fingers man.

Louis Winthorpe III:
I beg your pardon?

Pawnbroker:
Man, that watch is so hot, its smokin'.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Hot? Do you mean to imply stolen?

Pawnbroker:
I'll give you fifty bucks for it.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Fifty bucks? No, no, no. This is a Rouchefoucauld. The finest water-resistant watch in the world. Singularly unique, sculptured in design, hand-crafted in Switzerland and water resistant to three atmospheres. This is *the* sports watch of the '80s. Six thousand, nine hundred and fifty five dollars retail!

Pawnbroker:
You got a receipt?

Louis Winthorpe III:
It tells time simultaneously in Monte Carlo, Beverley Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.

Pawnbroker:
In Philadelphia it's worth 50 bucks.

Louis Winthorpe III:
I had the most absurd nightmare. I was poor and no one liked me. I lost my job, I lost my house, Penelope hated me and it was all because of this terrible, awful Negro.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Think big, think positive, never show any sign of weakness. Always go for the throat. Buy low, sell high. Fear? That's the other guy's problem. Nothing you have ever experienced will prepare you for the unlimited carnage you are about to witness. Superbowl, World Series - they don't know what pressure is. In this building, it's either kill or be killed. You make no friends in the pits and you take no prisoners. One moment you're up half a mil in soybeans and the next, boom, your kids don't go to college and they've repossessed your Bentley. Are you with me?

Billy Ray Valentine:
Yeah, we got to kill the mother - we got to kill 'em!

Louis Winthorpe III:
He was wearing my Harvard tie. Can you believe it? My Harvard tie. Like oh, sure he went to Harvard.

Louis Winthorpe III:
Nenge? Nenge Mboko? It is me, Lionel Joseph!

Billy Ray Valentine:
Lionel! From the African Education Conference!

Louis Winthorpe III:
Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

Billy Ray Valentine:
I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!

Billy Ray Valentine:
Oh, memories!

Billy Ray Valentine:
Get the f*** out!

Randolph Duke:
Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

Billy Ray Valentine:
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy low. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are saying, "Hey, we're losing all our damn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now, I can feel it.

Randolph Duke:
He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Billy Ray Valentine:
Hey, sorry about that.

Randolph Duke:
It's perfectly alright William. It was your vase.

Billy Ray Valentine:
That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake?

Randolph Duke:
I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, the insurance company valued it at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.

Billy Ray Valentine:
You want me to break something else?

Randolph Duke:

Coleman:
NO!

Even Bigger Black Guy:
You beatin' 10 cops. How come I don't see no bruises on you?

Billy Ray Valentine:
'Cause I'm a karate man, see! And a karate man bruises on the inside! They don't show their weakness. But you don't know that because you're a big Barry White looking motherf***er!

Officer Reynolds:
Strip you little sh*t before I tear you a new a**hole!

Billy Ray:
When I was growing up, if we wanted a Jacuzzi, we had to fart in the tub.

Billy Ray Valentine:
What if I can't do this job, Coleman? What if I'm not what they expected?

Coleman:
Just be yourself, sir. Whatever happens, they can't take that away from you.

Billy Ray Valentine:
Hey that's the motherf- I mean... that's the gentleman that got me me arrested.

Duke & Duke receptionist:
Yes Mr. Valentine, they're waiting for you in the last office down the hall.

Randolph Duke:
Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.

Ezra:
Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.

Mortimer Duke:
Half of it is from me.

Ezra:
Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.

Ezra leaves table

Ezra [talking to himself quietly]:
Morons.

Louis:
Randolph. Mortimer.

Mortimer Duke:
Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?

Louis:
Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!

Mortimer Duke:
We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.

Louis:
[laughs] Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.

Randolph Duke:
Money isn't everything, Mortimer.

Mortimer Duke:
Oh, grow up.

Randolph Duke:
Mother always said you were greedy.

Mortimer Duke:
She meant it as a compliment.

Billy Ray:
[Billy Ray is in jail] I wish my b*tches would get here. I ain't got time to be sitting in this cell with you.

Big Black Guy # 1:
Where are your b*tches, Mr. Big-Time Pimp?

Billy Ray:
[to Cellmate #2] Didn't I tell you that the phone in my limousine is busted, and I can't get in contact with my b*tches?

Cellmate #2:
[to Big Black Guy] Yeah! The phone in the limo was busted. What is ya, ignorant?

Billy Ray is in the Jacuzzi; Coleman takes Billy Ray's street clothes and closes door

Billy Ray [from Jacuzzi]:
When you think of love, does your heart go round and round?

Mortimer:
What's he doing in there?

Coleman:
I believe he is singing, sir.

Randolph:
They're very musical people, aren't they?

Coleman:
What should I do with his clothes, sir?

Mortimer:
Send them to the laundry. He'll want something nice and clean to wear to the ghetto...after I've won the bet.

Coleman:
Your … friends seemed to enjoy themselves, sir. In all, I'd say it was quite a success.

Billy Ray:
[disgusted] They wasn't no "friends" of mine, Coleman. Just a bunch'a freeloaders treatin' my house like it was a goddamn zoo.

Coleman:
Why don't you retire, sir? You've got a big day ahead of you tomorrow.

Billy Ray:
Yeah...I think I will, uh, "retire."

Heritage Club President:
May I have your attention please? There is something vile that has never reared its ugly head in our two hundred and seven years of existance. There is a thief in the Heritage Club. And by "thief," I do not mean the ordinary street punk our own Winthorpe had the courage to stand up to yesterday. Mild applause No, this thief is 100 times lower. And without further ado, may I introduce Mr. Clarence Beeks of Lyndhurst Security?

Billy Ray:
No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.

Mortimer:
This is not a meal, Valentine. We are here to try to explain to you what is we do here.

Randolph:
We are commodities brokers, William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products. Like coffee, that you had for breakfast, … wheat, which is used to make bread, … pork bellies, which is used to make bacon - which you might find in a bacon, lettuce, and tomato sandwich! [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera] And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice, … and gold. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges. [He chuckles] Clear so far?

Billy Ray:
[who isn't but is nodding and smiling as though he understands, which he doesn't] Yeah.

Randolph:
Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy, or sell, their gold for them.

Mortimer:
Tell him the good part.

Randolph:
The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

Mortimer:
Well? What do you think, Valentine?

Billy Ray:
Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies!

Randolph:
[chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back] I told you he'd understand.

Randolph:
Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

Billy Ray:
Okay, pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody is waiting for it to hit rock bottom, so they can buy cheap and go long - which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' batshit. They're thinking, "Hey, we're losin' all our goddamn money, and Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife ain't gonna f... my wife ain't gonna make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming, "SELL! SELL!" 'Cuz they don't wanna lose all their money, right? They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!

[on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping]

Randolph:
He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

Billy Ray:
I'd wait till you get to around sixty-four, then I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

Randolph:
(on telephone) This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at sixty-four. Mr. Valentine has set the price.

[Billy Ray overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom]

Randolph:
Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.

Mortimer:
Here, one dollar.

Randolph:
[chuckling] We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer! [laughs] Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

Mortimer:
I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.

Randolph:
You mean, keep Valentine on as managing director?

Mortimer:
Do you really believe I would have a n*gger run our family business, Randolph?

[Valentine's eyes widen with outrage]

Randolph:
Of course not. Neither would I.

[Louis attacks and starts choking Billy Ray, thinking he's responsible for ruining his life]

Coleman:
Oh, dear!

Billy Ray:
[Choking] It … was … the … Dukes! It … was … the … Dukes!

Louis:
You're a DEAD MAN, Valentine!!! [Coleman and Ophelia pull him off Valentine]

Billy Ray:
[Gasping] It was an experiment! They used us as guinea pigs, man! [Louis calms down] The Dukes used us as guinea pigs, to see how our lives would turn out. They made a bet.

Coleman:
I'm afraid it's true, sir.

Ophelia:
I believe him, Louie.

Louis:
The Dukes … ruined my life … over a bet. For how much?

Billy Ray:
A dollar.

Louis:
One dollar. Fine. That's the way they want it? No problem.

Billy Ray and Louis:
[in perfect unison, as they both suddenly stand} CLARENCE BEEKS!!!

Billy Ray:
The Dukes just gave that guy ten grand!

Louis:
Ten grand?!? I saw an outlay to him in the payroll for fifty thousand! Mortimer said it was for research.

Billy Ray:
Yeah, research on how he can get his hands on that top-secret crop report two days before it goes public!

Louis:
[whispering in shock, horror, and realization] My God. The Dukes are going to corner the entire frozen orange juice market!

Ophelia:
Unless somebody stops them.

Coleman:
[carrying tray] Or beats them to it. [all turn and look at him] Eggnog?

Coleman:
[offering Billy Ray a sip from his flask; they are both in Halloween costumes] Would you like a sip of whiskey?

Billy Ray:
I do not drink, it is against my religion!

Coleman:
Religion is a good thing I say, taken in moderation.

Louis:
Nenge! Nenge Mboko, from Cameroon? Do you remember me? It's Lionel Joseph!

Billy Ray:
Lionel! From the African Education Conference!

Louis:
Yah, mon, I was Director of Cultural Activities at the Haile Selassie Pavilion.

Billy Ray:
I remember the pavilion - we had big fun there!

Both:
Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha! Boo bwele boo bwele boo bwele ah ha!

Billy Ray:
Oh, memories!

Louis:
[after giving the secret knock] Who is it?

Billy Ray:
Open the door, man!

Mortimer:
That's not right! How can the price be going down?

Randolph:
Something's wrong! Where's Wilson?

Mortimer:
[sees Louis and Billy Ray] What are they doing here?

Randolph:
They're selling, Mortimer!

Mortimer:
Why, that's ridiculous! [Something occurs to him] Unless that crop report …

[They look at each other in shock and horror]

Randolph:
God help us!

[Randolph and Mortimer Duke are both on their way to the pits, panicking at the idea that their plan could fail]

Mortimer:
I told you we shouldn't have committed everything, you a**hole!

Randolph:
We've gotta get Wilson! And tell him to sell!!!

Louis:
[after ruining the Dukes] Happy New Year!

Randolph:
[hoarsely] Winthorpe.

Mortimer:
[stunned] Valentine.

Billy Ray:
Hey! How'd y'all make out today?

Mortimer:
How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?

Billy Ray:
Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here! See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.

Louis:
[grinning] I lost. One dollar! [Produces a one dollar bill and hands it to Billy Ray]

Billy Ray:
Thank you, Louis.

Louis:
After you.

Billy Ray:
Certainly.

[Billy Ray and Louis depart exchange to the stunned silence of the Dukes]

Wait, Wait, wait................................now buy, buy, buy.

Billy Ray Valentine:
[while acting blind and legless] Hey, baby, what's happening? How are ya doing? Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'. You seen "Porgy and Bess"? [the woman begins to walk away] We can make it, baby! Me and you!... You B*TCH!

Billy Ray Valentine:
[after demonstrating some fake karate moves while in jail] That's called the "quart of blood" technique. You do that, a quart of blood will drop out of a person's body.

Billy Ray Valentine:
[watching cops subduing an unruly suspect] May I suggest using your night stick officer?

Billy Ray Valentine:
[introducing himself] Billy Ray Valentine, Capricorn.

Louis Winthorpe Iii:
[to Penelope, as he is leaving jail] Those men wanted to have sex with me!

Ophelia:
[noticing Louis watch her undress] By the way, food and rent aren't the only things around here that cost money. You sleep on the couch.

Corrupt Cop:
[Takes some PCP out of a baggie and tastes it] That's PCP! Phenycyclidine. Angel dust! You ever seen what this stuff does to kids? You're looking at 3 to 5 mandatory... Louis!

Bunny:
And she stepped on the ball.

Harvey:
Monkey? MONKEY! I'm a gorilla, you clown!

Beeks:
Hey. Back off! I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.