Trainwreck

Gordon:
Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Monogamy isn't realistic. Say it.

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Monogamy isn't realistic.

Gordon:
Again!

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Monogamy isn't realistic!

Amy:
[voice-over] I didn't understand that word at the time but now, I know exactly what he was talking about.

Dianna:
I like you, Amy. You're clever but you're not too brainy. You're prettyish but you're not too gorgeous. You're approachable.

Amy:
Thank you.

Dianna:
I'm giving you an assignment. I need a profile on a sports doctor.

Amy:
What am I doing? I slept at the doctor's place last night.

Nikki:
You never spend the night. What were you, blackout drunk?

Amy:
No, I had like two drinks... Three, max... Four, now that I'm tallying.

Nikki:
Cause you're on antibiotics or something?

Amy:
Oh my god, he's calling me.

Nikki:
Why would he call? You guys just had sex.

Amy:
[answers phone] This is Amy. I think you butt dialed me.

Aaron:
No, I dialed you with my fingers.

Amy:
[to Nikki] He called me on purpose.

Nikki:
Hang up! He's obviously like sick or something.

Aaron:
I was calling to say I had a really good time last night and was wondering if you wanted to, um, hang out again.

Nikki:
I'm going to call the police.

[from trailer]

Amy:
Ooh, I like Tom's sweater. Does he teach computer in a church basement?

Kim:
Don't get all threatened just because you don't understand the concept of marriage!

Amy:
You dress him like that just so no one else wants to have sex with him? That's cool.

Amy:
[remarking on Oli's extra large genitals] Have you f***ed before? Where is she buried?

LeBron James:
When are you gonna come to Cleveland?

Aaron:
I'll... I'll come when I have the time. I just don't have the time right now. I'll come when I have the time. I've been really busy.

LeBron James:
You visit me in Miami all the time.

Aaron:
Yeah, but that's Miami.

LeBron James:
What's the difference between Miami and Cleveland? It's the same.

Aaron:
You're right. It's the same.

LeBron James:
Exactly.

LeBron James:
Do you know Cleveland is great for the whole family?

Aaron:
Yes, yes. Yes I do. You tell me that all the time. You randomly just text me that.

LeBron James:
Man, What's wrong with that?

Aaron:
It's just weird. It's weird.

LeBron James:
I got free texting.

Guy in Back of Theater:
This has to be the corniest muscle white dude I've ever seen in my f***in' life.

Steven:
Okay, Koko B. Ware, you know what? You're being an a**hole! Alright? You know what I do with a**holes? I lick 'em!

The Dog Owner:
I need help with my dog.

The Dogwalker:
I can see that. I would love to be the one to help you with your dog.

The Dog Owner:
What's your technique?

The Dogwalker:
I put them on a leash and walk them.

The Dog Owner:
You talk a big game.

The Dogwalker:
That's because I walk a big dog.

Steven:
[whispering] Amy, is that wine in a box?

Amy:
Mhmm. I have red too.

Guy in Back of Theater:
What the f***, is this guy ever going to shut up?

Amy:
[drunkenly] Please watch the movie.

Steven:
[whispering] Please stop. No, that's not right, don't do this to me.

Amy:
Why is he yelling?

Steven:
Listen, you always do this to me. You show up to these places, you put me in a situation... I'm a big guy - everybody wants to fight the big guy.

Amy:
Yeah you are!

Guy in Back of Theater:
Hey, Mark Wahlberg. Shut your b*tch up.

Steven:
Mar... Mark Wahlberg? Me?

Guy in Back of Theater:
Who else looks like Mark Wahlberg? Your girl?

Steven:
Mark Wahlberg is like 150 pounds! I'm 250 lean - I look like Mark Wahlberg *ate* Mark Wahlberg!

Guy in Back of Theater:
Your muscles aren't the f***in' problem; it's your yapping girlfriend!

Amy:
[to Steven] Just say "f*** you".

Steven:
I will *f**** you! Alright? I will enter you!

Guy in Back of Theater:
You're... you're gonna enter me? Did you hear what he said?

Amy:
What are you talking about right now?

Steven:
I'm just trying to intimidate him.

Amy:
You're just talking about raping him.

Guy in Back of Theater:
You're not about that life, champ. I can see it.

Steven:
Oh, I am about that life. No no no, I will get *crazy* up in here! You like movies? We'll make a movie! We'll make "Mama Say Knock You Out" starring my fist and your dick hole!

Guy in Back of Theater:
Oh, sh*t. What the f*** is wrong with this dude?

Woman in Back of Theater:
He wants you.

Amy:
Babe, your threats. I'm telling you, they're super gay.

Steven:
Too sexual?

LeBron James:
What I'm sayin' is you gotta go for it. You need to focus if you want to take it to the next level.

Aaron:
Right.

LeBron James:
You have to, like you have to give it everything you got if you want this one, man. It's like, when I lost the championship in 2011, I worked on my game twice as hard; worked on my post-up game, and we wound up winning the championship. Twice.

Aaron:
Yeah, yeah... I don't feel like that applies to me but I... I appreciate the... the thought.

LeBron James:
You gotta take a risk.

Aaron:
Yeah, no, you're right.

LeBron James:
You have to. It's like when I decided to go back to Cleveland. I wasn't totally sure they were going to welcome me back, man. But they did. They welcomed me back with open arms and an open heart.

Aaron:
Yeah, they did... Again, I feel like that applies more to you... um... like I don't even live in Cleveland... but again, I appreciate the thought.

Amy:
I've been with a lot of guys.

Aaron:
I don't care!... How many?

Amy:
I don't know. How many girls have you slept with?

Aaron:
I've slept with three women.

Amy:
Me too. I have slept with three women too.

Aaron:
How many guys?

Amy:
What, like, this year?

[opening lines]

Gordon:
Girls, your mother and I are getting divorced. Don't cry. I know you're upset, I know you're confused. I don't know what your mother told you, but let me explain it from my side in terms you can understand... You got your doll, right? You got your doll there.

Five Year Old Kim:
Yeah.

Gordon:
You got your doll and you like your doll, right? You love your doll.

Five Year Old Kim:
Yes.

Gordon:
Yes, you love the doll. But what if I told you that was the only doll you're allowed to play with the rest of your life. How would you feel?

Five Year Old Kim:
Sad.

Gordon:
You'd feel sad, of course, 'cause there are a lot of other dolls on your shelves. And if you play with the other dolls, you can't have that doll anymore. Even though that doll doesn't want to play with you at this point. You're both living a lie. There's other dolls you like, and they're making new dolls every year. You want a stewardess doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Yeah.

Gordon:
How about a slightly overweight cocktail waitress doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Yeah.

Gordon:
What about a doll who happens to be best friends with your main doll?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Yeah.

Gordon:
It could happen, right?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Yeah.

Gordon:
What about a doll you only play with one day and never see again?

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
Yeeeah.

Gordon:
What about a doll where your friend's playing with a doll and he needs you to, you know, kinda man up with the other doll? You don't even wanna play with that doll but you do it cause your friend's playing with that doll and you don't want to sit there and look at the other doll unattended.

Nine Year Old Amy, Five Year Old Kim:
...yeah.

Gordon:
So that's why me and mom are getting divorced.

Amy:
Hello. Thank you for coming. Gordon David Townsend, not that great of a guy. He was kind of racist, and homophobic. He was a drunk. He was a drunk. He once apologized to me for missing a volleyball game that he was at. He had, umm, made signs with my name on them. When I was eleven, this kid, Brandon Lipinsky. Remember Brandon? He stole my bike, and maybe he was just borrowing it, but our dad went over there and beat the sh*t out of Brandon's dad, and his grandpa, and Brandon. I bet he personally offended everyone here. Right? Raise your hand if our dad ever offended you. [Most attendees raise their hand] Yeah. He was an a**hole. When I asked him to tell me the story of how he proposed to our mom, his response was "Who?". I know he was joking, he loved her a lot, but, uhhh... He was really sick for a really long time. Which isn't fair, because, I don't think anyone else was more alive than him when he was younger. He thought it was payback. he thought it was karma, and that's why he got sick, but I don't think so. I think he was the greatest dad. He always made me feel loved and important. I know he f***ed up. I know he probably hurt everyone here. But raise your hand if he was one of your favorite people. [Most attendees raise their hand] He was my favorite person. Thank you.