Wilfred

Ryan:
[on the phone] Kristen, you gotta stop these secret ninja food drops. We need to talk before things get weird. [Wilfred shows up from under him and he stumbles into the fridge] Weirder.

Wilfred:
Kristen's always busting balls. Why doesn't she try licking them?

Jenna:
This is my friend Ryan.

Darryl:
And this must be Wilfred! Hi, Wilfred! Huh-huh! What is he?

Ryan:
Good question.

Ryan:
Crap! I'm out of gas.

Kristen:
You're kidding.

Ryan:
[laughs] Yeah! I'm kidding.

Kristen:
Don't tease me! When I get stressed, my ankle hurts.

Ryan:
Is that why they call it a stress fracture?

Wilfred:
He's just giving constructive criticism! Don't take it personally.

Ryan:
Well, it doesn't get more personal than I 'play bass like busted vagina'.

Ryan:
All week long I've been clicking this and giving you a treat every time you sat down. Now I don't even have to give you a treat and you still sit down.

Wilfred:
I have to hand it to you, Ryan... You humans do possess the superior intellect.

Wilfred:
Why won't you tell me about Sneakers?

Ryan:
Because I killed him! Okay? I killed him.

Wilfred:
Well. That's a relief.

Wilfred:
Alright. I've been thinking it over, and I know what happened last night. After I went to sleep, you somehow managed to plant some sort of homo chip planted in my brain.

Ryan:
Okay. You caught me. Let's go to the vet and get that removed.

Ryan:
He seems a little... grumpy.

Jenna:
Yeah, sometimes he gets like this when his mommy is getting out of town.

Wilfred:
'When his mommy is getting out of town... ' Like I give a sh*t.

Catherine Newman:
Who is this little doggie friend?

Ryan:
Oh, this is Wilfred. I'm watching him for my neighbor.

[the cat on the chair next to them spits]

Catherine Newman:
Don't be such a grouch! But I know how to turn that frown upside down. Fishsticks in peanut butter tacos, your favorite breakfast!

Ryan:
Thanks, but these days I eat breakfast for breakfast. Can I help you find something?

Catherine Newman:
Uh, let's see... Pork rinds, Funyuns, and a 12-pack of Visine. I was looking for a glass, but now I'm looking for your weed.

Catherine Newman:
I'm dying to catch up on the family gossip! Is Kristen still into black guys?

Ryan:
No, Mom, she's been married to Leo for six years.

Ryan:
Mom, what are you doing?

Catherine Newman:
What does it look like I'm doing, silly? I'm making a statement about corporate greed in the death of selflessness through interpretive movement painting.

Catherine Newman:
Come join me, my child!

Wilfred:
Thought you'd never ask!

[Wilfred runs towards the paint, roll in it and joins her on the painting]

[Catherine and Wilfred dances wildly in front of Ryan and Jenna. Ryan blushes and is slowly building up to a rage explosion]

Ryan:
Enough! Why can't you just act normal?

Jenna:
I have to pee.

Catherine Newman:
But does she really have to pee? I wonder.

Ryan:
I'm not crazy!

Wilfred:
Said the man to the dog.

Ryan:
Where did you get this?

Catherine Newman:
I found Wilfred chewing on it last night.

Ryan:
[to Wilfred] You son of a b*tch!

Wilfred:
How is that an insult? I've never understood that.

Catherine Newman:
Can you ever forgive me?

Ryan:
Can you forgive me for calling you crazy?

Catherine Newman:
Oh, that's okay. I am. You know, a little.

Ryan:
He's a sore loser. Look, all I have to do is beat him at something, and make sure Jenna's there to see him lose his sh*t.

Wilfred:
That's the stupidest, most ridiculous... Actually, that's pretty good. But there's one problem. Drew's a born winner, and you're... you.

Ryan:
Behold... The instrument of Drew's destruction. Bzzmm... My ping pong paddle from when I was all state table tennis champion.

Wilfred:
So, chemistry, biking and ping pong. I guess my only question is, why were you not blowjobbed to death by the entire cheerleading squad?

Ryan:
Wilfred... This thing we have. The way we communicate. Have you ever had this sort of relationship with anyone else?

Wilfred:
Why do you ask?

Ryan:
Have you?

Wilfred:
It happened once before. I was at a party. And this guy looked right at me and said: "Hey! What's up, dog? I see you. And I know what you're up to." And I said, "well, I see you too. If you got something to say, say it." Turns out he was talking to the guy right behind me, who had been banging his wife. Ryan, please tell me there's not been a guy standing right behind me ever since we've met? [laughs nervously]

Ryan:
So nobody else?

Wilfred:
You're one of a kind, Ryan.

Bruce:
Just ask yourself this: How well do you really know Wilfred?

Ryan:
I don't know who to believe anymore.

Wilfred:
23 inches, Ryan!

Bruce:
It's not too late for you, Ryan. Get rid of Wilfred. Get your life back.

Ryan:
Get rid of him? Do you mean, kill him?

Bruce:
What's wrong with you? You don't kill him! You take him out in the middle of nowhere and ditch him!

Ryan:
But he's not even my dog, I...

Bruce:
Shhh! He's not your dog. But he's your problem.

Ryan:
[Wilfred and Bruce are fighting] Stop! [fires a shot up in the air]

Wilfred:
Not up there, you idiot! He's down here!

Ryan:
I really think I'm gonna be alright.

Wilfred:
Of course you are. I'm not going anywhere.

Wilfred:
I met Bruce while I was infiltrating the police department for some Irish mobster.

Ryan:
The Departed?

Ryan:
What do you want?

Wilfred:
I want my goddamn ball.

[first lines]

Ryan:
What are you doing?

Wilfred:
I'm writing my will. After I'm gone, I don't want you and Bear fighting over my sh*t. Or any of my other stuff.

Ryan:
Who are you? What are you? WHY are you?

Wilfred:
Are you sure you want to know?

Ryan:
Is this a joke?

Wilfred:
It's not. Ryan, remember the night before we met? The pills you took?

Ryan:
Yes...?

Wilfred:
They worked, mate. I'm sorry, Ryan. They worked. You must have notived things here are... different. Seems a little... off, right?

Ryan:
Am I...?

Wilfred:
No. You're somewhere in between. Your future depends on the outcome of that settlement meeting tomorrow. If Jenna gets her job back, well... you get to move on.

Ryan:
So none of this is really happening?

Wilfred:
Everything on the island is real. The rest is an illusion.

Ryan:
What island?

Wilfred:
Ah, forget the last bit.

Ryan:
WILFRED!

Wilfred:
Shhh! Smoke monster!

Ryan:
I've seen Lost, Wilfred.

Wilfred:
What did you think of the ending?

Ryan:
Why can't I get a straight answer out of you?

Wilfred:
Come on, Ryan! These are big existential questions, best left for boring Russian novelist and teenagers on acid! Real people don't think about this sh*t.

Ryan:
This is nothing compared to some of the sh*t you've pulled.

Wilfred:
Yeah, but you're not me! You're a good person! And you're a person!

Jenna:
Hey! How was your trip?

Ryan:
What trip?

Jenna:
Oh... Well, your curtains have been drawn, I haven't seen you for three days... I just assumed.

Ryan:
Oh, no... I have been here. Just took a little 'stay-cation'.

Wilfred:
Turn your back on the pack, and the pack will turn on you. Any dog would tell you that.

Ryan:
I would never...

Wilfred:
Never what? Sh*t in your neighbor's boot? Have sex with a stuffed giraffe in front of a small child? You'd be surprised what we're capable of once we put our mind to it.

Ryan:
Our mind?

Wilfred:
[about Trashface] He got what he wanted.

Ryan:
To be remembered as a dead homeless junkie who stole their stuff?

Wilfred:
Exactly. To be remembered.

Ryan Newman:
Wilfred, I know you're having trouble remembering who I am. But I hope that with time...

Wilfred:
I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind with two touchdowns in the fourth quarter. It comes back.

Jenna Mueller:
I like the suit. You look nice.

Ryan Newman:
You too.

Jenna Mueller:
What, in my mustard stains sweatpants?

Ryan Newman:
Mustard stains are the new black.

Ryan Newman:
What do you want me to say? I need your help.

Wilfred:
What about my problems? You don't think I'm dying inside right now, because Drew thinks I'm a loser?

Ryan Newman:
Uh, I guess I never thought about it.

Wilfred:
If this bromance is gonna work, we need to have an equal relationship. Like those two guys over there. [points to a man and his dog]

Ryan Newman:
Those... guys?

Wilfred:
Yeah. See that one guy? He's scratching the other guy behind the ear. And the first guy, he's aight, because he's helping the other guy. He's his friend. And now the first guy, he's throwing that ball. And the other guy, the naked hairy guy, he's running and bringing it back, 'cause that's what's bros do for each other. It goes both ways, R-r-r-ryyyy-cherona.

Kristen:
Uh! It must be 90 degrees in here. Turn on your air conditioning.

Ryan:
Wish I could. It's broken. [Kristen turns it on] Oh, I guess it's fixed now!

Kristen:
Are you having money problems?

Ryan:
No! Just waiting for funds to clear.

Wilfred:
I don't know, Ryan. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe Bear isn't the one.

Ryan:
Maybe you need to spice things up. Take Bear to a nice restaurant.

Wilfred:
Did you forget what we did last night?

Ryan:
It's Monopoly. It's not real money. How many times do I have to tell you that?

Wilfred:
One more times.

Ryan:
It's not real money.

Wilfred:
Sh*t! [throws the money out of the car]

Ryan:
May I speak with you? Privately.

Wilfred:
Anything you wanna say to me, you can say in front of Bear.

Ryan:
Okay. So, last night at Beth's...

Wilfred:
Woah! Let's take it upstairs. Not cool, dude!

Ryan:
You said I could say anything. I assumed it was an open relationship.

Wilfred:
It is! But Bear doesn't know that!

Dr. Eddy:
[to orderly] Sedative.

Dr. Eddy:
[to Ryan] It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

Ryan Newman:
Wait... that's from Good Will Hunting. Holy sh*t, you're Robin Williams.

Dr. Eddy:
Where's the goddamn sedative?

[one orderly sedates the other]

Dr. Eddy:
What the hell. What are you doing?

Orderly #2:
Clear. [orderly touches the defibrillator paddles to Dr. Eddy's head]

Dr. Eddy:
Shazbot.

Jenna:
I'm glad you were able to come out to lunch with me.

Ryan:
Well, Mondays are usually pretty light.

Jenna:
Um, it's Thursday.

Ryan:
Well, here we are.

Wilfred:
Woah! You said we were going for a walk. A walk, Ryan - which by definition means 'no destination'! Even a cat knows that.

Lisa:
Oh my God! Your dog.

Wilfred:
Officer, I swear! She told me she was straight.

Ryan:
I'm sorry, I'll get him out of...

Lisa:
No, no, no! He... He sensed that Mr. Gordon leaving us, and he... He didn't want him to die alone. Your dog did a beautiful thing.

Ryan:
He did? [Lisa nods] Well, compassion was the first thing I taught him.

Ryan:
Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean we can't still be friends.

Wilfred:
Friends? What, you thought we were actually... [laughs] That is hilarious. And a little embarrassing for you, because I never really saw us like that.

Mr. Patel:
How much for this piece of sh*t flatscreen TV?

Wilfred:
You're selling the TV? That is the coldest end of our friendship!

Wilfred:
[in Ryan's dream] Ryan Newman. You stand accused of ditching out on the cable guy, not coming up with anything better than undies on the face.

Ryan:
Wha... what is all this?

Wilfred:
And the gravest of all charges: selfishly refusing to make a sacrifice for the one you love. These charges are, uh, very serious. They're very serious... charges. As for the seriousness of these charges... They are, well, they're deadly serious. And they are charges.

Ryan:
What are you talking about?

Wilfred:
Mr. Newman. It would be wise to let your council speak for you. [Ryan looks over at the council table, where Bear sits]

Ryan:
Bear?

Wilfred:
[in Ryan's dream] Who is the Archaeologist?

Ryan:
That's in the past.

Wilfred:
The witness will answer. Who is the Archaeologist?

Ryan:
I am!

Wilfred:
That's what they used to call you at your father's firm, isn't it? Because you used to dig up dirt of the opposition.

Ryan:
Alright! I admit it. What I did was completely unethical! But I was only trying to please my father!

Wilfred:
You wanna talk about ethics? Is it not unethical to desert the woman you love in her time of need?

Cinzia:
Me.

Jenna:
No, me.

Drew:
Bro!

Ryan:
These are... I just wanna be happy!

Wilfred:
How can you be happy, knowing that Jenna's life will be ruined if you abandon her! We all have to make sacrifices for the people we love. It's time to make a choice. What are you going to do?

The Attendance:
Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna! Jenna!

Ryan:
Please...

Wilfred:
What are you going to do? [the attendance continues to call Jenna's name. Ryan wakes up, freaked out. He looks at Cinzia with pain in his face]

[last lines]

Ryan:
I guess we all have to make sacrifices.

Wilfred:
Yes, we do. I'm curious, Ryan. What changed your mind?

Ryan:
[looks over at Jenna] I had a dream.

Wilfred:
Well. Never underestimate the power of a dream.

Wilfred:
If you dumped a tidy piece like that over the saintly act of knuckle busting your anus hole I'd say that makes you the freak.