Women of the House

Natty:
Washington is the only town in America where the appearance of something is much more important than the reality. For instance, if you go into a public restroom and you come out too soon, you didn't wash your hands. If you stay in too long, you molested someone. If you stay in there just the right amount of time, you're slick.

Natty:
Miss Sugarbaker, I want you to know we were all absolutely devestated over your husband's untimely death.

Suzanne:
Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was - he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.

Roseanne:
I always notice at the end of those Black Stallion and Flipper movies, they always have a little card that says: "No Animals Were Hurt or Exploited in the Making of this Film." I guess they don't have one of those for women.

Carol Burnett:
I personally prefer the kind of movies where dog collars are worn by dogs, not women, and a man may break you heart, but never your neck.

Joan Van Ark:
I've played a woman who was stalked, a woman who was raped, a woman who was kidnapped, car-jacked, high-jacked, and sky-jacked. And frankly, I mean, I'm tired!

Stefanie Powers:
Recently, I was asked to portray the sixty year old mother of an actor who played my lover three years ago. Apparently, I'm getting older while he's getting better!

Deidre Hall:
It seems to me that in films today if a man gets killed, it's in the line of duty; if a woman gets killed, it's in her underwear.

Loni Anderson:
I've been asked to play a topless secretary, topless doctor, topless judge. You get the picture: the standard female role models we see every day in our society.

Shirley Jones:
I've played hundreds of descent, caring, women over the years but it took the role of an exploited, used, and abused prostitute in Elmer Gantry to win me an Oscar. I guess you might say nice girls finish last!

Marilyn Chambers:
I've been black-balled by the mainstream film industry, which I find very violent, because I was a porn star. Under the current ratings system, it's more socially acceptable to cut off a woman's breast than to kiss it!

Natty:
There is no such thing as a little mistake in Washington. It doesn't matter that George Bush was never mystified by a supermarket scanner, or that Bill Clinton's haircut never held up any aiplane. All that matters is that it's repeated over and over again until it becomes fact and/or sells enough newspapers and the retractions are printed on page 78!

Suzanne:
My five husbands left me plenty of money! And I'm sure I'll marry again. Or as my grandmother used to say, "Honey, if you ever need a million dollars, just remember, you're sitting on it!"

Veda Walkman:
Newt Gingrich looks like the guy you'd hire to be the baby at a New Year's Eve party!

Representative Kirby Seizmore:
Look, I am sorry, this is not some little beauty contest where you can win me over with your big knockers and dazzling smile.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Really? Cuz I gotta tell you, I have been wondering.

[When her diary is subpoenaed, Suzanne tries to get Anthony to dispose of it]

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Do you know O.J. Simpson?

Anthony Bouvier:
No, I do not know O.J. Simpson. Why do you think all black people know each other?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I don't know. I just think he obviously found a very good place for his clothes and that knife.

Anthony Bouvier:
Alleged clothes and knife.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Whatever. It'd just be so great if I could just stick my diary with his stuff!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I don't care if you're walking down the runway at Miss America or sitting around the Oval Office, nothing will make people turn on you faster than having big, white thighs! And this I know for a fact.

Sissy Emerson:
The only thing left to do now is to take the Jesse Helms route.

Jennifer Malone:
What's that?

Sissy Emerson:
Well, she just says, "First off all, I never said that, and secondly, I meant every word."

Jennifer Malone:
You know, Jerry and I were high school sweethearts and we never dated anyone else, so I'd never seen another naked man until I took this class. Now there's all these male models and, well, they're just magnificent. And I realize now that Jerry was not all he cracked himself up to be. Did I say they were all naked? Well, now I think there's something wrong with me. I just can't stop drawing them - that's all I draw all the time. It's all I think about. Even when I doodle, I doodle naked men! I'm so ashamed of myself.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Emerson, what is this about you being evicted?

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, it's nothing. I'm sure I can straighten it out. It's all due to a little miscalculation I made when I was working at The Post. I thought that even if I lost that job, I would have enough money to last me for at least a year. But I was drinking then. Turns out I only had enough money to last about, uh - an hour and a half.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Suzanne, you cannot invite someone from a sitcom to have dinner with the President. I mean, if we're gonna do that, why don't we just get the guy who invented Viewmaster?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Suzanne, having dinner with the President is an opportunity only about 1 in 250 million Americans is ever given. I don't think we can afford to make a mistake here.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Excuse me, Natty, but trust me when I tell you this is one thing you do not have to worry about. Just for your information, I have personally hosted over 200 dinner parties while traveling the beauty pageant circuit.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
You know, I have never known anyone like you. It's like your only frame of reference is these beauty pageants, like you were born in that little glass isolation booth in Atlantic City.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, that was Jamie Farr. You know, he used to play Klinger on M*A*S*H. You can put a star next to his name on the guest list, Malone!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Oh, isn't that wonderful? Now all we need to invite is Mr. Ed and our sitcom contingent will be complete.

Sissy Emerson:
Come on, Natty. I'm sick and tired of hearing about how terrible it would be if someone who worked on a sitcom could have dinner with the President. A sitcom is nothing but a little play and, if you ask me, some of them are pretty damn good. In fact, M*A*S*H was better written, more enlightening and entertaining than half the things I've seen at The Kennedy Center or on Broadway.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Oh, who rattled your chain?

Sissy Emerson:
No one. It's just that I've been sober for several weeks now and apparently I'm starting to sound more intelligent.

Jennifer Malone:
Why do you hate Hollywood so much?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Oh, I don't hate it. It's just that it's the only town in America where Kato Kaelin would be considered an appropriate babysitter.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
You know what they're gonna say, don't ya? They're gonna say, "President Taft, the fattest man who ever lived in the White House slept in Lincoln's bed, but it took Suzanne Sugarbaker to break it!"

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Whenever it comes to stopping affairs, never talk to the man. It's just like when the gas company wants to discontinue service, they never turn off an appliance, they always go to the source!

Sissy Emerson:
You know, there was a woman on TV the other day who, I kid you not, has this condition that makes her nipples hard all the time. I mean, come on! Get a life, get a vest! I don't wanna know this! I mean, whatever happened to keeping your dirty little secrets to yourself? What ever happened to shame? I'm sorry, but I think a little shame is healthy. You know, feeling so completely disgusted with yourself that you never want anyone to know how really low and truly wretched you are! I mean, am I the only one left in the world that still treasures the old-fashioned qualities of guilt and self-loathing?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
I wouldn't know, Emerson. I don't know anything about those programs, I only watch PBS.

Sissy Emerson:
Oh sure, Natty, that's what all the people who wear wigs and sunglasses tell their friends. And then they end up on TV with little descriptions under their faces like, "Sandy fears oral stimulation."

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Now my rule is, you've done your job right if a man leaves your house breathin' hard and walkin' funny.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Well I, for one, would like to distance myself from this philosophy. I find it disgusting! It makes women sexual commodities.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, you can call it whatever you like, Natty, but I'm just tellin' you men respect pain. They like it! That's why they watch football. That's why they like me.

Jennifer Malone:
I'm sorry, it's just this story reminds me of my problems with Jerry. But it's not appropriate to talk about them in the workplace. I'm a career gal now and I wanna be professional like the rest of you. So just ignore what I said and, if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go out there and polish the top of my desk and update my Rolodex!

[Malone exits, sobbing]

Sissy Emerson:
I wish she'd tell us when she was gonna get in one of these moods. I'd bring in my laundry.

Jennifer Malone:
You know, Jerry and I were high school sweethearts and we'd never been with anyone else and now he's openly chasing women! It's like I don't know him anymore, like some one or some thing has taken control of his brain!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, I'll tell you exactly what it is. Testosterone. Where men are concerned, testosterone is the root of all evil! Now, my dog Randy was doing the exact same thing. I took him in, had him clipped, never had another problem.

Sissy Emerson:
I know a guy who's suing his ex-girlfriend's boyfriend's girlfriend because she gave them all a social disease. It's kind of like a class action suit without the class.

Jennifer Malone:
You know, Jerry and I were married when we were 18 and it's been 20 years since I even had a date.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, fortunately for you, you got us, and I would venture to say that we have a hell of a lot of experience and good advice under our belts to share with you. Wouldn't you all agree?

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, sure. I've never had a successful relationship, you've been married five times and her boyfriend's in prison. When it comes to finding the wrong men we're like scud missiles.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
When a man puts his hands somewhere, there should be consequences depending on the location.

Sissy Emerson:
I thought we were here to warn Malone about the lines that guys give you. I mean, this is something that a person like her would be very susceptible to.

Jennifer Malone:
Oh, I know about that. You mean, like, "What's your sign?"

Sissy Emerson:
"What's your sign?" No, you poor kid, no one uses that one anymore. I mean stuff like, uh, "Hi, my name is Frank, I work in advertising. My wife died last year of a brain tumor and until I met you, I haven't really wanted to be with anyone, except for my two small children, Max and Kara." Then later you find yourself in his apartment in Watergate... He's wearing a fur speedo and asking you to beat him with a broom because he's been naughty. Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Gee, Emerson, this sounds oddly specific.

[Natty walks in and finds Malone dusting]

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Excuse me, is this Suzanne Sugarbaker's office?

Jennifer Malone:
Why yes, it is. However, I don't really work here. I'm just waiting to apply for a job. There wasn't anyone around and the place needed dusting. Luckily I carry a can of lemon Pledge in my purse for just these kinds of emergencies!

Jennifer Malone:
Jerry and I were high school sweethearts. We've never been with anyone else, we've never even dated anyone else, so I guess he's going through this kind of midlife crisis thing and it's completely thrown our two boys who yesterday were suspended from junior high for wearing the devil's insignia on their clothes! And I'm the one who sewed it on for them! I didn't know what it was! I didn't even know the devil had an insignia!

Sissy Emerson:
Men are so stupid.

[Malone stares at her]

Sissy Emerson:
Something wrong?

Jennifer Malone:
No, I was just waiting for you to finish the sentence.

Sissy Emerson:
No, I find that makes a very nice icebreaker just as it is. Of course, if you'd like me to elaborate, I could talk about the pantyhose I'm wearing which were purchased by my ex-boyfriend who never really did catch on that those charts aren't accurate. So now I'm walking around with a crotch at knee-level, looking like a penguin trying to catch an elevator.

Sissy Emerson:
Look, I am a little tired of everything and I am drinking - but I'm not drunk, okay?

Sissy Emerson:
What time is this Sugarbaker person getting here, anyway?

Jennifer Malone:
Well I'm sure any minute now, she must be running late.

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, of course she's running late, everybody says she's stupid. Or she's a lesbian. I forget which, she's either stupid or she's a lesbian... or she killed a man. No, you know, maybe that was somebody else. You know how it is, so many rumors.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Yes, and so little time to check them all out.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
And by the way, Miss Sugarbaker, I just want you to know we were all absolutely devastated over your husband's untimely death.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, I'm not sure how untimely it was, he was 76! Anyway, there's no reason to be sad. He lived a wonderful life and never suffered unless I wanted him to.

Sissy Emerson:
I'm Sissy Emerson, and I'm applying for the job of press secretary. Or lint-picker or dog-walker, whatever you have open. I'm not proud, obviously, or I wouldn't be here!

Jennifer Malone:
You know Miss Sugarbaker?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
No, I knew her husband. When I found out the old man died and that his big ol' dumb beauty queen wife was coming to fill his seat, I said, "Natalie, why wait until the body is cold? This is Washington and nobody else is going to. Get yourself over there and fill that vacuum; seize this chance to mold somebody in your own image, put America right again and kick a little butt!"

Jennifer Malone:
I'm applying for receptionist. I've never had a job interview before. I've never even had a job before - well, I worked at home. My husband's an assistant football coach for The Washington Redskins. Well, he was 'til about three months ago...

[She lets out an enormous sob]

Jennifer Malone:
...then he ran off with an interpretive halftime dancer! I'm sorry, I know it's ridiculous of me to be telling this to a total stranger but I'm too humiliated to tell it to anybody I know!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Oh by the way, I had to let the air out of somebody's tire, he was parking in Ray's old spot. Now, it was a blue Chevrolet with a little handicapped sticker in the back. If anyone calls about it, you tell them not to park there again, that's our spot.

Jennifer Malone:
You let the air out of a handicapped person's tire?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Yes, I did. You know, they have thier own parking spaces now, so they certainly don't have any business pulling into dead people's spots!

Jennifer Malone:
Somebody from the White House called and said the President wants you to go jogging with him.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I can't go, I don't jog.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Why not?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Because I'm very voluptuous! I mean, there's enough stuff going on just when I walk. If I JOG, I might take out a couple of Secret Service agents!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
If you go on Crossfire and they're gonna start asking you those questions like, oh - do you pay social security taxes on your maid?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, I just pay her cash. What she does with it is her own business.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Oh, please! Now that's gonna be in every paper in the country! Sapphire will tear you apart.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I don't think so, I don't think she even takes the paper.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Who are you talking about?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I'm talking about my maid, Sapphire. Who are you talking about?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Oh, I'm talking about Bill Sapphire, the columnist. You have a black maid named Sapphire?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Yes, I do.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Are you aware that that is a racial stereotype, like Amos 'n Andy?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Look, I can't help what it is. Sapphire's her damned name and she's too old to change it now!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
We've got to return that "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" tape. We were looking at that the other night and that Jimmy Stewart is just as cute as a button!

Sissy Emerson:
Ha! Obviously you don't know that he used to whip those boys of his unmercifully.

Jennifer Malone:
I thought that was Bing Crosby.

Sissy Emerson:
Oh. Yeah, right. Oh then - oh, it was Jimmy Stewart that did not have any friends. Or maybe that was Martha Stewart.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Yes sir, maybe that was Martha Washington!

Sissy Emerson:
She was a lesbian, right?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Have you ever heard of The Donner Party?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
No. It doesn't mean I wasn't invited though, I get lots of invitations.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
The Donner Party was this group of settlers who traveled way out West and, well, they got all bogged down in the snow and the mountains. Anyway, the real horror of their story is not that they were forced to eat their dead friends and relatives, but rather that when they got back, the press said that they enjoyed it!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
When we're dealing with the media, we have to be very, very careful. You see, Washington is the only town in America where the appearance of something is much more important than the reality. For instance, if you go into a public restroom and you come out too soon, you didn't wash your hands. If you stay in too long, you've molested someone. If you stay in there just the right amount of time, you're slick!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
There is no such thing as a little mistake in Washington. Even a tiny little thing can be made into a great big thing. I mean, it doesn't matter that George Bush was never mystified by a supermarket scanner or that Bill Clinton's haircut never held up any airplanes. All that matters is that it's repeated over and over again until it becomes fact and/or it sells enough newspapers and the retractions are printed on page 78. You tell her, Emerson, you're a reporter.

Sissy Emerson:
It's true, look at what they did to poor old Betty Ford. For 40 years they told the world that she was a cold, brittle, humorless woman, and then on the day they buried her, they stood atop her grave and said, "Oh by the way, she was really very warm and funny."

Natalie Hollingsworth:
That was Pat Nixon.

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, what's the difference?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
The difference is Pat Nixon is the one who died and Betty Ford is the one who has the clinic where you're going.

Sissy Emerson:
You know, it's becoming increasingly clear to me that we're not just some loosely banded together group of losers anymore. This feels bigger than that. I think we're all participating in some sort of cosmic Olympics and are now apparently all strapped down, spread eagle, no blindfold, on the big luge heading for Hell.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
There's at least 30 Congressmen calling for a full investigation and/or resignation, not to mention The Journal, The Times and The Post.

Sissy Emerson:
And don't forget, Penthouse wants to know if she has any wedding night videos.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, I'm sorry but I just don't see what the big deal is. I mean, it's not like I went out and whacked some ice skater on the knee!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Nobody tells the truth in Washington unless they're in an underground parking lot and terminally ill!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I thought being rich was the American dream, you know, something to aspire to. My goodness, rich people are the ones who built this country! At least they built most of the really nice stores.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Now I've been told that Washington is a place where you have to fit in. Well, I'm a person who likes to stand out.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
If Mr. Smith came to Washington today, you people would beat the hell out of him!

Jennifer Malone:
I just wanted you to know I think you're wonderful. And I know it isn't true, but if you were a lesbian, I'd be proud to be your lover - and I'm not even gay!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Well, that's enough of that kinda talk!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
My five husbands left me plenty of money! And I'm sure I'll marry again. Or as my grandmother used to say, "Honey, if you ever need a million dollars, just remember, you're sitting on it!"

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I've gotta find somebody to do my makeup and hair. I sure don't want that two-dollar guy Ross Perot uses. He's always braggin' about the price; he looks like a damn leprechaun!

Jennifer Malone:
Listen to this.

[Malone reads a passage from the newspaper to Suzanne Sugarbaker and her colleagues]

Jennifer Malone:
"Considering the flamboyant, zaftig Miss Sugarbaker's ample cleavage and her breathless assurances that she is, quote, 'too rich to steal,' it was difficult to tell if she was playing Miss Kitty or Miss Ellie from The Beverly Hillbillies."

Sissy Emerson:
You know, basically there are four things they really hate in this town. The newly rich, happy people, movie stars and hicks. You never had a chance.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
This is not scandal! I mean, look at that Prince Charles over in England. Now, I'm sorry but I think what he said is a whole lot worse than what I said!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
What are you talking about?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I'm just making a comparison, Natty. The man apparently told that Camilla Parker whatshername that he wants to be a tampon. Now I'm sorry, but I think once you've said something like that, you give up your right to be the King of England!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Suzanne, you know since coming here you have, hmmm... diminished all women as sexual commodities, slandered homosexuals, insulted blacks and bragged about being rich. Now, while it is true that you did not express a desire to be a tampon, I fail to see how that's a cause for rejoicing or a negation of your other comments.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Now I've said a lot of things this week that are politically incorrect, but then so am I. My maid is black, my daughter's adopted, my brother's retarded and I myself am five-times married, fat, not zaftig, big-mouthed, Southern and rich! Newly rich which, if you ask me, is the best kind to be because it means you earned it yourself.

[Natty's been talking on the phone to her imprisoned boyfriend]

Sissy Emerson:
So how are things going at old Rancho Minimum Security?

Natalie Hollingsworth:
You know, Emerson, I can do without the sarcasm.

Sissy Emerson:
Sorry, Natty, I'm just trying to cheer you up. I guess just being in love with your ex-boss-Congressman who's also married and serving time in prison on fraud and bribery charges might be making you, oh I don't know - a little bit blue. But then if you're happy, I'm happy.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Emerson, I'm curious about what you've been doing in the bathroom for 45 minutes every morning this past week. I mean, is there some reason you are unable to perform your toiletries at home?

Sissy Emerson:
You know, I never really thought of it as "performing my toiletries!" But actually, if you are referring to brushing my teeth, yes, sometimes when I'm running late I do it here.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Please, you have been in there long enough to have a baby!

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, right. You caught me. I was in there having Newt Gingrich's love child.

Sissy Emerson:
I haven't even had a date since 1956. If it wasn't for the occasional crowded elevator, I wouldn't have any sex life at all!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
She even made that cute little rodeo shirt for my dog, Randy. He loves it too, wears it all the time!

Sissy Emerson:
Did it ever occur to you that it might be because he can't undo the buttons?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I tried my best to be charming. They asked me about the crime bill and I gave what I thought was a real cute answer.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Why are my palms beginning to sweat?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I just explained that I'm all for that three strikes thing, but I think we should be just as hard on the women as we are on the men - especially all those Lorena Bobbitt imitators. I mean, I'm sorry but fair is fair. I say, two balls and you're out!

Sissy Emerson:
And this was not well-received?

Jennifer Malone:
I'm worried about Sissy. She hasn't come in yet, and she came by my house last night and she just stayed and stayed, and if my son hadn't shot her in the butt with an air-rifle, I believe she would have spent the night.

Jennifer Malone:
Also an Ann Gilroy called, she said she'll be in town next week and plans to stop by.

Sissy Emerson:
No, not now! How did she find me here?

Jennifer Malone:
Who is she?

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, she's this woman that told everyone at The Post that I was drinking even before I was drinking. I just hate people who can predict a shortcoming.

Sissy Emerson:
Probably the only reason she's stopping by here is because she smells that things aren't going well for me. She's got a nose like a pig hunting truffles.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
Emerson, I want to know what's going on with you. Are you drinking again?

Sissy Emerson:
No, Natty, I am not drinking again! If I were drinking I'd be in a good mood!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
I know it's gonna sound crazy and I know Emerson's first response is going to be no, but I just want you to promise me that you'll think about it because though it sounds bad, it's really completely innocent.

Sissy Emerson:
Okay, I've thought about it and the answer's no.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
But you haven't even heard it!

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, I don't have to hear it. Any time that anybody says that something's gonna be not as bad as it sounds, it always turns out to be horrible. Like when somebody tries to fix me up on a date and they always try to preface it with some kind of a disclaimer like, "I know just because he has a hole in his head you're gonna think it means something bad..."

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
In case you haven't noticed, breasts like these don't grow on trees!

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
So that's basically it, I mean, there's nothing left to say. It was just one of those things!

Natalie Hollingsworth:
One of those things? I ask you to do me a simple favor, you end up molesting my boyfriend and burning his cottage to the ground!

Sissy Emerson:
You know, Natty, you really were born at the wrong time. You should have been running one of those summer camps in the Alps for Hitler youth.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Why don't you just sit down over here and tell us all about yourself, Velma?

Veda Walkman:
It's Veda. Like "Vegas" but with a "d" and without the "g" and the "s."

Veda Walkman:
I was in trade school working and training to be a manicurist, which is actually a lot more involved than you might think. I mean, it is not just for any chick with a toe-separator.

Veda Walkman:
I worked in this four-by-four cubicles for the phone company for a couple weeks but it totally freaked me out, you know, I felt like I was in one of those veal fattening pens.

Natalie Hollingsworth:
And remember, Veda, we have a date tonight.

Sissy Emerson:
So, you're dating Natty too?

Veda Walkman:
Oh no, I'm not gay. I mean, unless somebody wants me to be.

Veda Walkman:
Look, I know this is, like, not cool but I wore this totally short skirt to work today and I don't have time to go home and change before I go to this Young Republican thing with Natty, and she said there's gonna be, like, dancing and I do wanna make a good impression...

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, don't worry about it. The Republicans don't really dance, they just of tilt back and forth.

Veda Walkman:
Yeah, well just the same, it's slit in back up to here and, I mean, if I bend at all...

Sissy Emerson:
So what do you need?

Veda Walkman:
Your underpants?

Veda Walkman:
What was your name again?

Sissy Emerson:
Oh, it's Sissy. Like "Mississippi" except with an "s" and a "y" and without the "issipipi."

Veda Walkman:
I'm not one of those Generation X buttheads who sits around whining about the future and watching dead TV shows all day. No, I wanna work and own my own BMW someday.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
So, Vega, what's the deal here? You got lunch or what?

Veda Walkman:
Vega! You kill me! That's hi-larious. It's "vay-duh." Why do you have so much trouble with my name?

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Cuz your name's weird and so are you.

Suzanne Sugarbaker:
I just don't understand young people today. I mean, why would you want a ring stickin' through your nose or your navel? Like some of those models who get stuff shot in their lips. I mean, I don't understand that either, where does that come from? Do you just wake up one morning and look in the mirror and go, "You know, I think I'll make my lips the size of Florida"?