Zoey 101

Dustin Brooks:
[his voice-mail message] This is Dustin Brooks, personal assistant to Logan Reese.

[Logan gets to go to anger management classes for yelling viciously at Dustin, instead of getting in real trouble]

Dustin Brooks:
I knew he'd get away with it!

[last lines]

Logan Reese:
[hollering over loud music] You think that's a little loud?

Michael Barret:
[hollering] No way!

[to Chase]

Michael Barret:
Turn it up!

[turns up music louder]

Dustin Brooks:
Level 99!

Logan Reese:
[to Chase, hollering] Can't you turn it down?

Chase Matthews:
No way, man!

Michael Barret:
Crank the bass!

[turns up louder... power goes out]

Chase Matthews:
Good night, Michael.

Chase Matthews:
Sleep tight, Chase.

Logan Reese:
You guys are the worst!

Dustin Brooks:
Soo close!

[his friends tell Zoey, Chase and Nicole that Dustin got asked out]

Nicole Bristow:
Oh my God Dustin has a girlfriend!

[his friends run]

Dustin Brooks:
Yeah, thanks a lot!

Zoey Brooks:
How come you didn't want me to know?

Dustin Brooks:
Cause you're always buttin' into my life!

Zoey Brooks:
That is so not true! Is that true?

Nicole Bristow, Chase Matthews:
Yeah, it's pretty true.

Chase Matthews:
Okay, ya gotta help me.

Zoey Brooks:
What you couldn't talk Tricia out of dating Dustin?

Chase Matthews:
Oh, I talked Tricia right outta dating Dustin.

Zoey Brooks:
Great, so what's the problem?

Dustin Brooks:
[Dustin comes in] You stole my girlfriend?

Chase Matthews:
Tha-that's the problem.

Zoey Brooks:
You asked Tricia out?

Chase Matthews:
No, gross.

Dustin Brooks:
[pumping his fists] Come on Matthews, let's go, right now!

Chase Matthews:
You see what you get me into?

Dustin Brooks:
I'm standin' here!

Chase Matthews:
I'm not gonna fight you.

Dustin Brooks:
Yeah, you are! [pulls off his shirt]

Zoey Brooks:
Dustin stop acting like a freak right now.

Dustin Brooks:
Alright, but you listen to me Chase Matthews, you stole my girlfriend and you're gonna pay!

[Dustin, still shirtless, puts on his backpack and leaves]

Chase Matthews:
I was just threatened by a topless boy.

Chase Matthews:
You promised Dustin you wouldn't meddle in his life anymore.

Zoey Brooks:
Which is why I'm not gonna.

Chase Matthews:
Good.

Zoey Brooks:
You are.

Chase Matthews:
What...?

Zoey Brooks:
You heard me. Come on, Nicole. [drags Nicole with her and they walk away]

Chase Matthews:
And my nightmare begins... [pauses to check his watch]... now.

Logan Reese:
There's no way Lola could like you.

Michael Barret:
And why not?

Logan Reese:
Because she's met me!

Zoey Brooks:
Just tell me what happened with Trisha?

Chase Matthews:
Well, I was telling Trisha why she shouldn't date Dustin, but then she thought that I meant she should date, you know, me.

Zoey Brooks:
Why would she like you?

Chase Matthews:
Oh, well, I guess she somehow overlooked my terrible personality and hideous face.

Chase Matthews:
Zoey, we gotta talk.

Zoey Brooks:
Okay, one second. [continues to play fussball with Lola. Chase takes the ball out of the game]

Lola Martinez:
Hey!

Zoey Brooks:
Hey!

Lola Martinez:
Give us back our fussball ball!

Zoey Brooks:
Can't you just call it a fussball?

Lola Martinez:
No, fussball's the name of the game, so you call the ball a fussball ball.

Zoey Brooks:
Mm, maybe, but I still think you would...

Chase Matthews:
I'll tell you what, why don't we just call it a fussball ball ball ball ball ball? I've gotta speak with Zoey.

Jesse Freeman:
We're only putting Zoey and Logan on K-Coast.

Zoey Brooks:
But it's The Chase & Michael Show!

Chase Matthews:
And we're kind of Chase and Michael.

Michael Barret:
Michael.

Chase Matthews:
Chase.

Michael Barret:
Hello.

Chase Matthews:
Yo.

Michael Barret:
Hey, did you tell Rebecca about the...

Chase Matthews:
[to Rebecca] You think you can tell me who I can and can't talk to?

Rebecca:
You heard what I said!

Michael Barret:
Wow, look at that tree over there.

[walks away and looks at tree]

Zoey Brooks:
I've spent the last three hours with Quinn and Lola, trying to figure out what to get you for your birthday.

Chase Matthews:
You can give me my coffee back. But seriously, you don't need to get me a present.

Zoey Brooks:
You're getting a present.

Chase Matthews:
Oh, thank God!

[Chase is trying to write a paper. Michael's alarm goes off, Quinn starts a drilling tool, and Lola's phone rings, all at once]

Chase Matthews:
Hey! Hey, could you guys quiet it down a little bit? [everyone still make the same sounds]

Michael Barret:
I'm trying! This thing won't... won't stop! [Logan comes in and starts gurgling water in his throat after brushing his teeth, mixed up with all the other sounds]

Chase Matthews:
[exploding] Okay, that's it! You people... are too loud! [the only thing that now makes a sound is Michael's alarm]

Lola Martinez:
Oh, wait! Happy birthday!

Chase Matthews:
BAAAH! [he flees the room]

Stacey Dillsen:
You can sip it in the morning, sip it in the evening, Even at a quarter to three, cause I like sassafras, you like sassafras, we like sassafras tea.

Stacey Dillsen:
My Life is an endless vortex of pain.

Zoey Brooks:
Everything okay?

Dustin Brooks:
Yeah... well no

Lola Martinez:
[whispers] It's working!

Dustin Brooks:
Well you know I wanted to stay here the past couple of nights?

Dustin Brooks:
It wasn't really cause I was scared.

Quinn Pensky:
Hah! Up top! [both snap their fingers]

Zoey Brooks:
You're not scared?

Dustin Brooks:
Well, I was the first night!... for a little while.

Zoey Brooks:
Then why'd you keep pretending to be scared? Why'd you keep wanting to spend the night here?

Dustin Brooks:
Because I missed you.

Zoey Brooks:
What do you mean? I see you around campus all the time.

Dustin Brooks:
Well yeah, we walk by each other and wave, and say Hi, but its been a while since we just hung out and did stuff together.

Zoey Brooks:
Well why didn't you just tell me you wanted to hang out then?

Dustin Brooks:
I tried a couple of times! It's just you're always hanging out with Lola or Quinn or Chase or Michael, never me. That's why I lied about being scared, i just missed you.

Zoey Brooks:
Aww Dustin! [they both hug, Lola and Quinn run in and join the hug]

Lola Martinez:
You can stay here.

Quinn Pensky:
You can move in with us!

Dustin Brooks:
[they are hugging him tightly] I... can't... breath, ahh.

Nicole Bristow:
[Reading her horoscope] Zoey! Look at your horoscope. You will win a major competition. How freaky is that?

Zoey Brooks:
I'm not a Virgo.

Nicole Bristow:
Shh, don't tell people.

Quinn Pensky:
[Showing Zoey, Nicole and Lola the poster she made of Mark] Is this not the face of a great leader or what?

Nicole Bristow:
[Under her breath] What.

Chase Matthews:
Don't you know that girls don't mean half the things they say? Remember that girl you dated a couple of years ago?

Michael Barret:
Oh, yeah. The Karen Franklin incident.

Logan Reese:
What happend with Karen Franklin?

Michael Barret:
Her birthday was coming up, right. So I asked her what she wanted and she said nothing! So I said "uhm, nothing?" and she goes "yeah, nothing" so I said "are you sure?" and she says "yes, I don't want anything". So, I didn't buy her a present.

Chase Matthews:
And?

Michael Barret:
She cried for three days then moved to Wisconscin

Logan Reese:
Wisconscin?

Michael Barret:
It's the dairy state.

Logan Reese:
Oh... [confused] Wait! What was the point of the story?

Zoey Brooks:
[talking to Nicole] Mark's last name is Del Figgalo?

Quinn Pensky:
[walks back in] It means "of the figs".

Dustin Brooks:
Ok, Skooter you're off the hook!

[his claustrophobic assistant for the 'saw a person in two' act of his magic show runs off screaming]

Dustin Brooks:
He runs like a duck!

Lola Martinez:
It smells like squirrel pee.

Zoey Brooks:
Are roof is lame!

Nicole Bristow:
It has bugs and there is a tree above it with a bunch of squaris so it smells like squrial pee.

[on photosynthesis and Oxygen production]

Mr. Roker:
Which is good for us, because, without oxygen, we'd all die slow and painful deaths.

Quinn Pensky:
[after Zoey she will talk to Chase about leaving] Chase doesn't know about this yet?

Zoey Brooks:
No, and his opinion means everything to me.

Michael Barret:
Well, why haven't you asked him yet?

Zoey Brooks:
'Cause, you know... we're really close friends. And it's just hard to tell him I might be leaving.

Lola Martinez:
Yeah, but you better go talk to him.

Quinn Pensky:
You're his best friend.

Michael Barret:
[coughs] Excuse me?

Quinn Pensky:
[rolls her eyes] His *female* best friend.

Michael Barret:
[satisfied] All right, then.

Logan Reese:
What about me?

Michael Barret:
You're my female best friend.

Zoey Brooks:
I am gonna win, and then I'm gonna take that Blix jet to Milan for fashion week. Hm!

Chase Matthews:
Wow. That sounds horrible.

Zoey Brooks:
Hey, Fuzzyhead.

Chase Matthews:
You promised not to call me Fuzzyhead anymore.

Zoey Brooks:
Curly Sue?

Chase Matthews:
And now I'm liking Fuzzyhead.

Dustin Brooks:
Hey, Quinn, do you think you could fix our model airplane?

Quinn Pensky:
I could fix a real airplane.

Zoey Brooks:
[in response to Logan's come on] It's hard to make out with a guy while he's vomiting.

Chase Matthews:
It's true.

[pause]

Chase Matthews:
That happened to me.

Dana Cruz:
[looking at Zoey's clothing designs] Cool, but how do we buy these clothes?

Nicole Bristow:
How do we buy these b*obs?

Zoey Brooks:
[talking about Logan] Well, you should tell him that money doesn't give him a right to push people around.

Chase Matthews:
Oh, I did.

Zoey Brooks:
And?

Chase Matthews:
He gave me fifty bucks to shut up.

Zoey Brooks:
Dustin, your toes look like raisins.

Dustin Brooks:
You try being in the ocean for six hours.

Zoey Brooks:
Now, tell me how to calculate the area of a trapezoid.

Dustin Brooks:
Will you tell me where babies come from?

Zoey Brooks:
Absolutely not.

Michael Barret:
Now, listen...

Chase Matthews:
You're not gonna ask me out, are you?

Michael Barret:
No, your hair is too bushy for me.

Chase Matthews:
Okay, photosynthesis is the process by which plants use energy from sunlight to produce sugar, which converts into...

Lola Martinez:
You wanna go out with me?

Chase Matthews:
Uh, heh... Wow. That question had almost nothing to do with photosynthesis.

Quinn Pensky:
Now, If you need any extra speed, just push this red button

Chase Matthews:
But i'm afraid of the red button

Quinn Pensky:
Don't be a baby!

[last lines]

Quinn Pensky:
[Zoey and Lola are fighting Logan in the mud] Poor Logan.

Chase Matthews:
He's really getting pounded down there.

Quinn Pensky:
[after a brief pause] Wanna get some coffee?

Chase Matthews:
Sure.

Logan Reese:
[screaming] Let go of me! Let go of me! I'm the judge! I'M THE JUDGE! [the episode ends with Logan struggling under the weight of Zoey and Lola in the mud, while Chase and Quinn casually walk away]

[Dustin asking for money]

Zoey Brooks:
Sorry. I only get 15. And I gotta live.

Dustin Brooks:
[to Chase] What about you?

Chase Matthews:
Sorry, kid, if I had money I'd lend it to myself, which I don't... So I'm outta luck and so are you!

Dustin Brooks:
What did he say?

Zoey Brooks:
No!

[Dustin singing and playing his guitar to get money]

Dustin Brooks:
I got the Gummy Worm Blues. I can't afford to buy shoes. Life can be so mean. I gotta get me some green. I'm feelin down on my luck, Could use a couple of bucks. I got the Gummy Gummy Gummy Worm Bluooues.

Coco:
...Zoey Brooks, Chase Matthews, and Stacey Dippsen.

Stacey Dillsen:
It's Dillsen

Boy #2:
I've noticed that your hair is really bushy. Did you know that?

Chase Matthews:
Yeah. I know that.

Boy #2:
So do people ever talk about it?

Chase Matthews:
Uh... It's come up.

Dean Rivers:
I'm not going to ask again. Who did this to my father's statue?

Chase Matthews:
Technically sir, you did just ask again.

Michael Barret:
You two people are gonna lo... not win the bet.

Logan Reese:
No. You will... not win. For I... can go longer... without... invoking... the letter... after R.

Chase Matthews:
Wrong. I... will win the bet... for one of you... will... talk... the bad letter... before me do. Be-before me. No need for the do.

Mr. Pensky:
Hey! Chase! Michael, Logan. You guys have been whispering this whole class.

Chase Matthews:
I-I-I apologize.

Logan Reese:
Ha!

Chase Matthews:
Z.

Logan Reese:
Oh.

Miles Brody:
I shall bathe like I've never bathed before.

Chase Matthews:
If I don't get a big cookie, I'll die.

Logan Reese:
Some guys are geniuses. Others are good-looking. I just happen to be both.

[Chase tries to convince Zoey she doesn't know everything about him]

Zoey Brooks:
Look I've got to go to class. We'll talk later.

[Zoey walks away]

Zoey Brooks:
Don't be sad.

Chase Matthews:
[shouts] Did you know that, when I was little, I thought babies came from outer space?

Boy:
[walks up to Chase] Don't they?

Chase Matthews:
[sighs] Run along.

Michael Barret:
Well, I think you want to smell nice for a certain young lady who goes by the name of Zoey!

Chase Matthews:
Maybe I want to smell nice for you. Ever think of that?

Michael Barret:
You know what you oughta do on the spring break trip?

Chase Matthews:
What should I do?

Michael Barret:
Tell Zoey you love her.

Chase Matthews:
Man, go do your underwear math.

Michael Barret:
It's the perfect time. Spring break, Santa Barbara, right by the beach, it's very romantic.

Chase Matthews:
So.

Michael Barret:
So, when's the perfect time to tell Zoey you love her?

Chase Matthews:
Would you stop saying that so loud?

Michael Barret:
Why?

Chase Matthews:
I don't want people to know, okay?

Michael Barret:
Dude, everyone on planet Earth knows you love Zoey. The people on Neptune know it. Yeah. They're up there right now on Neptune saying "Hey, did you know that Chase loves Zoey?" "Why yes I do, the whole galaxy knows" Nnah.

Michael Barret:
Remember that saying we learned in Latin class? "Carpe Doom" Seize the day

Chase Matthews:
I think that's Carpe Diem

Michael Barret:
Then what's Carpe Doom?

Chase Matthews:
Stupid.

[the kids are watching a boring documentary on TV]

Nicole Bristow:
Okay. why are we watching this?

Michael Barret:
I hate grass.

Dana Cruz:
Yeah well, change the channel.

Chase Matthews:
On it.

[Chase uses the remote control, but it's not working]

Michael Barret:
Make it stop.

Chase Matthews:
I'm trying. The remote's not working.

Nicole Bristow:
Ooh, my grandfather said that when he was a kid, he would just walk up to the TV and change the channel by turning a dial or something.

Chase Matthews:
So I have to get up?

Dana Cruz:
Just do it.

[Chase does and tries to find another way to change the channel, but admits... ]

Chase Matthews:
I see no dial.

Nicole Bristow:
[shocked] Paw-Paw lied to me?

Dustin Brooks:
Zoey!

Zoey Brooks:
Hey, Kiddo.

Dustin Brooks:
Is it true?

Zoey Brooks:
What?

Dustin Brooks:
That you're going to get Drake Bell to perform at Spring Fling?

Dana Cruz:
Sorry, kid. Drake's not coming.

Dustin Brooks:
How come?

Nicole Bristow:
His manager wants 5,000 bucks.

Dustin Brooks:
So, get it.

Dana Cruz:
[sarcastically] Sure, we can just go but it at the 5,000 dollar store.

Logan Reese:
It's all your fault

Michael Barret:
No, its not! It was a freak accident.

Lola:
Like Logan's birth

Lola:
Jeannie, can you come here?

Jeannie:
What's up?

Lola:
Blank is in love with Zoey. Fill in the blank.

Jeannie:
[matter of factly] Chase.

Lola:
[briskly] Thanks for playing.

Chase Matthews:
[Looking at an old PCA yearbook] Mr. Bender, you used to be a cheerleader?

Logan Reese:
So, what are you guys putting in the time capsule?

Chase Matthews:
Well, you know. We're writing a song about our lives here at PCA.

Michael Barret:
Yeah, I'm doing the music.

[twirls drum sticks]

Chase Matthews:
And I'm writing the lyrics.

Logan Reese:
Oh, so, I guess it goes, "I love you Zoey from my head down to my toe-y"?

Chase Matthews:
[snickers] No.

[Logan leaves, Chase grabs notebook and proceeds to write]

Michael Barret:
Don't write that down.

[Chase sets aside the paper]

Michael Barret:
You were gonna write that down, weren't you?

Chase Matthews:
Maybe.

Roger at tech support:
[Speaking with a THICK Indian accent on the phone with Chase around 3 a.m] Sir, please try pressing CONTROL G again.

Chase Matthews:
OK, I pressed CONTROL G three times and nothing happened.

Roger at tech support:
You must hold down the CONTROL key WHILE pressing the G.

Chase Matthews:
I know. I did that.

Roger at tech support:
Then your computer should be working.

Chase Matthews:
I know it SHOULD be working, but it's not!

Roger at tech support:
Sir, please do not shout at me. I am trying to help you.

Colin:
[Chase's roommate, Colin, who is trying to sleep, snaps] Will you please hang up and go to sleep?

Chase Matthews:
No!

Roger at tech support:
[Thinking HE is being spoken to] Why do you want me to hang up and go to sleep?

Chase Matthews:
[Panics] NO! No, I... I just want you to help me get my video chat back up.

Roger at tech support:
Have you tried pressing CONTROL G?

Chase Matthews:
[Rolling his eyes in disbelief] YES!

Roger at tech support:
Did that work?

Chase Matthews:
No!

Colin:
[From bed] Why don't you press CONTROL G with your bum?

Roger at tech support:
Sir... if you're going to INSULT me...

Chase Matthews:
I didn't insult you. It was my roommate - Colon!

Colin:
[Yelling in frustration at having to correct his name yet again] COLIN!

Chase Matthews:
[to Colin] I don't care!

Roger at tech support:
[Thinking HE is being spoken to] If you don't care, then why have you called Tech Support?

Chase Matthews:
What are you talking about?

Roger at tech support:
[Hostile] Sir, I DO NOT appreciate your aggressive tone!

Chase Matthews:
[Close to tears] I just want my video chat to work.

Roger at tech support:
HAVE YOU TRIED PRESSING CONTROL G?

Zoey Brooks:
Why did you go there?

Chase Matthews:
Because you wouldn't go there! To PCA. Or I thought you wouldn't go there. Which clearly you did. Why did you?

Zoey Brooks:
I missed you.

Chase Matthews:
I missed you too.

Zoey Brooks:
And, um... I... kind of overheard you... say something.

Chase Matthews:
What do you mean?

Zoey Brooks:
Well... A few weeks ago, when I was there, and you were here...

Chase Matthews:
Yeah?

Zoey Brooks:
I guess you and Michael and Logan left your video chat on.

Chase Matthews:
Okay.

Zoey Brooks:
And I heard you say something.

Chase Matthews:
Uh, could you be more specific?

Zoey Brooks:
I heard you say you're in love with me.

Chase Matthews:
[pauses] Oh. That's, uh, pretty specific.

Zoey Brooks:
Uh-huh.

Chase Matthews:
And that's why you went back to PCA?

Zoey Brooks:
That's why.

Chase Matthews:
Uh... Could you just hold for one sec?

Zoey Brooks:
Sure.

Chase Matthews:
Good. [clicks the mouse] OH MY GOD! [clicks the mouse again] I'm back.

Dustin Brooks:
Tough Chunks!

[Zoey starts walking off, and Dustin is standing there staring at Lola]

Lola Martinez:
Stop staring at my bathing suit!

Dustin Brooks:
I'm not, you have a bug on your stomach.

[Lola starts screaming and panicking]

Quinn Pensky:
Give them some pizza, and let's get this party started, yo!

[Everyone stares at her]

Quinn Pensky:
What?

Dustin Brooks:
Psst, Zoey! Psst!

Zoey Brooks:
Dustin?

Dustin Brooks:
Yeah, I can't root for you.

Zoey Brooks:
Why not?

Dustin Brooks:
Because the guys said if I root for the girls, they'll shave my eyebrows off!

Zoey Brooks:
Don't let them scare you.

Dustin Brooks:
Too late. I'm way past scared. Anyway, good luck!

Dustin Brooks:
[opening lines, on road to PCA] Punch buggy red.

Mr. Brooks:
[punch sound] Ow!

Zoey Brooks:
I don't think that was a buggy.

Dustin Brooks:
Oh, Sorry dad!

Mr. Brooks:
Yeah, tell that to my bruise!

Zoey Brooks:
[sees the sign] There it is dad hurry!

Mr. Brooks:
Relax we're almost there.

Dustin Brooks:
Uh, we better pull over gotta pee!

Zoey Brooks:
Come on Dustin can't you wait I wanna get there!

Mr. Brooks:
Zoey calm down, I've never seen you so excited to go to school before!

Zoey Brooks:
Cause I never went to school with cool dorm rooms, a swimming pool and a beach across the street!

Mr. Brooks:
Ya know they also have some of the best teachers in the country.

Zoey Brooks:
Yeah, whatever, turn turn. [starts distracting her dad]

Mr. Brooks:
You're gonna make me have an accident.

Dustin Brooks:
You don't let me outta this car I'm gonna have an accident!

Mr. Brooks:
Ya can't hold it for just five more minutes?

Dustin Brooks:
I've got 20 ounces of water in a 10 ounce bladder. Stop the car!

Zoey Brooks:
What you're gonna go behind a tree?

Dustin Brooks:
Beats my pants!

Mr. Brooks:
[Mr.Brooks pulls the car over, Dustin hops out and proceeds to go on a tree] So first day in a new boarding school, living on your own, away from home, it's okay to be nervious.

Zoey Brooks:
I'm not nervious. Come on where you this nervious when it was Dustin's first year? I'll be okay.

Dustin Brooks:
[hopping up and down] Stupid zipper, come on, come on!

Dustin Brooks:
Go, go, go, go!

Zoey Brooks:
What happened?

Dustin Brooks:
Hungry squirrel, don't wanna talk about it, just drive!

Michael Barret:
Plus we heard you guys got pizza.

Chase Matthews:
And cake.

Zoey Brooks:
Oh, so you guys want pizza.

Chase Matthews:
And cake.

Rebecca:
[directed to Zoey] You made Chase break up with me!

Quinn Pensky:
No! Chase broke up with you because you're a bucket of nuts!

Chase Matthews:
[nervously] What are you talking about, there was no two year crush on Zoey... Right Michael?

Michael Barret:
[sarcastically] Oh yes, there was no crush, you silly people.

Chase Matthews:
I have to say it, I'm a little embarrased for you!

Michael Barret:
This is a sports related injury, that makes me cool!

Chase Matthews:
Dude, tripping over a basketball, on the way to the bathroom, is not cool!

Zoey Brooks:
Let's shake on it

Logan Reese:
Or we could kiss on it?

Ms. Bromwell:
Oh, Zoey? You're friends with Chase.

Zoey Brooks:
Mhm.

Ms. Bromwell:
Is his hair naturally that way or is it a perm?

Zoey Brooks:
Um... No, I think it's natural.

Ms. Bromwell:
[slight pause] Fascinating.

Chase Matthews:
I've known Zoey since the first day she came to PCA, and I know she'd never date a jerk like Logan!

Lola Martinez:
Who's one of your best friends.

Chase Matthews:
Which is how I know he's a jerk!

Logan Reese:
The truth is... Zoey and I are... dating.

Chase Matthews:
Liar!

Logan Reese:
It's true!

Chase Matthews:
Zoey would never date you. You're... you're you!