Horse Feathers1932

Wagstaff:
Members of the faculty, faculty members, students of Huxley and Huxley students - I guess that covers everything. Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard this speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself. As I look over your eager faces, I can readily understand why this college is flat on its back. The last college I presided over, things were slightly different. I was flat on my back. Things kept going from bad to worse but we all put our shoulders to the wheel and it wasn't long before I was flat on my back again. Any questions? Any answers? Any rags? Any bones? Any bottles today? Any rags? Let's have some action around here. Who'll say 76? Who'll say 17 76? That's the spirit! 1776!

...

Wagstaff:
[to a woman sitting on his son's lap] Young lady. Would you mind getting up so I can see the son rise? So, doing your homework in school, eh?

Retiring President:
I am sure the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff:
What?

Retiring President:
I said the students would appreciate a brief outline of your plans for the future.

Wagstaff:
You just said that! That's the trouble around here: talk, talk, talk! Oh, sometimes I think I must go mad. Where will it all end? What is it getting you? Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife and, outside of the improvement, she'll never know the difference. Pull over to the side of the road there and let me see your marriage license.

Retiring President:
President Wagstaff, now that you've stepped into my shoes...

Wagstaff:
Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you could do was have them cleaned.